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Author	Topic: Never Look Back. Obi, young Ani. Drama. More author's thanks
Flipside82 Registered: Jan '06	Date Posted: 12/30/06 2:08am Subject: RE: Never Look Back. Obi, young Ani. Drama. 122706 Ch 3 posted. Ani's rescued.
	Oh, this is Tragic! Please don't let this be the end of the Obi-wan and Anakin Partnership. It's barely begun. Great start though.
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amidalachick Registered: Aug '03	Date Posted: 12/30/06 6:16pm Subject: RE: Never Look Back. Obi, young Ani. Drama. 122706 Ch 3 posted. Ani's rescued.
	Noooo! Obi-Wan can't really be dead! This is so beautiful, and heartbreaking, and just incredible. I'm hoping Obi-Wan's alive somehow, but either way, I can't wait to see how things unfold. Have you read Jon Krakuaer’s Into Thin Air about the big disaster years ago? Yep, I have. It was the book that got me into...mountain adventure reading. Thank you for the PM! -----signature----- "We figured if it wasn't skimming off the top, tax evasion, or unwed mother death sports, it had to be insurance fraud." "No! It was for someone who needed it!" "You were serious about that?"
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Valairy_Scot Title: PT Rewrite Winner Registered: Sep '05	Date Posted: 12/30/06 6:34pm Subject: RE: Never Look Back. Obi, young Ani. Drama. 122706 Ch 3 posted. Ani's rescued. - Date Edited: 12/30/06 7:57pm (1 edits total) Edited By: Valairy_Scot
	VA_Parky: Poor, poor Anakin. I'm so glad that Garen was there - he was such a good friend to Obi-wan and it's clear that Anakin respects him. Is there any hope for our Obi? I'm starting to get reeeeeeally nervous over here! I want to post the next chapter on New Year's Day because, um, the start of a new year should be the start of a new chapter in Anakin's life, right? He's learning to face up to, and perhaps let go of, his emotions, but will he learn to let go and move on? earlybird-obi-wan: Will Obi come back? Come back? He’s in every chapter, isn’t he? Maybe he’ll come back as a ghost. Yeah, I like that…I’ll have to bring him back as a ghost. Flipside82: It is such a tragedy when fate intervenes - or was it fate that brought them to this point? amidalachick: Noooo! Obi-Wan can't really be dead! No? This is so beautiful, and heartbreaking, and just incredible. I'm hoping Obi-Wan's alive somehow, but either way, I can't wait to see how things unfold. The New Year is coming, is all I can say. Maybe it'll be a happy new year. Chapter 4. Ghosts of the Past This final loss was devastating. Now Anakin had no one who really cared for him. He hadn’t made any real friends at the Temple yet. Obi-Wan had told him it would take time, to stop trying so hard, that his age mates didn’t quite know how to react to him. He felt like an intruder dropped into a close-knit family and expected to fit right in. It was awkward, and not just for him. Anakin heard the wary congratulations, brief words of condolences, and uneasy respect that met his master in all too many situations. A padawan who lost his master; a Jedi who killed a Sith, the young master to a boy of prophecy – and always, the one that Qui-Gon Jinn had tried to cast off for another. All Anakin had to do to decipher the gestures was to look at Obi-Wan’s eyes to see what color they were. His master never spoke of it, his own uneasiness in this new role. Yet speak of his padawan’s unease he would do and try to reassure him that he would find his place shortly. Because the same could be said of his master, Anakin would agree: shortly, it wouldn’t be long now. And he would hurt inside, just a bit, when he understood what was not said about Obi-Wan, for it could so easily be not said about him. Words, spoken or not, he was sensitive about, quick to react to, even if his master told him to just let it be and give it – them - time. And now words carried on the wind, more words to flay his already bleeding heart. Aneil had lit a glow rod and in its light, he and Mace were conferring as Garen carried him to warmth and food, to the ship not far away. Anakin vaguely heard Mace say to Master Aneil, back at the crevasse edge, “We’ll try to recover Obi-Wan’s body tomorrow for a proper funeral. If we can’t, we will have to leave it behind.” It was a calm voice bare of inflection, not sorry and not sad. Spoken as if Obi-Wan was a thing, an object to be recovered. The spirit may have flown the shell, but the shell was the spirit made visible, and thus had meaning. So Anakin stiffened at the words, “body,” and especially, “it,” in reference to his master. No, it wasn’t reality, it wasn’t, it wasn’t. Garen tucked him closer to his own warmth and used his comlink to call Bant to expect a patient. “Bant’s here?” A tiny voice asked, and Garen looked down and nodded. Bant Eerin was another of Obi-Wan’s childhood friends, a healer, and Anakin sniffed. First Garen, then Bant. He didn’t want to face either one, not without Obi-Wan, for he was sure that neither of them wanted to face him, without Obi-Wan. He clung to Garen’s neck, wishing it were his master’s neck he was hanging onto; the arms around him, his master’s arms. Obi-Wan had never held him, seemed uncomfortable with so many physical gestures that Anakin craved. His mom had kissed him, Qui-Gon had lifted him onto his shoulders – and Obi-Wan had – he had – wrapped an arm around him that night on Hoth. Would his master have ever held him, had he lived? Tucked Anakin’s head between his head and his shoulder, and patted him on the back, as Master Garen was doing? Would he have had the chance to feel safe and protected within his arms, feeling the strong, steady beat of a heart against his? He pressed his nose into Garen’s shoulder and sniffled. He wanted his master’s arms, no matter how comforting Master Garen’s were. Warm light spilled from the ship’s open entryway. Home, safety, it beckoned, but to a small boy it seemed only to emphasize the dark emptiness surrounding his master. Anakin twisted his head to look back over Garen’s shoulder. He was being taken away from his master, taken to the light while Obi-Wan was left to the dark. He kept his eyes focused on the darkness even as Garen hurried him up the ramp and inside the ship. It seemed warm inside, even to his chilled body, and the ship, while large, was so much smaller than the expanse outside. A ship, fast and nimble, with two small cabins, one set up like a mini-medical ward; a ship built for quick extractions from dangerous situations. In normal circumstances, Anakin would have jumped to explore it; he only buried his head against Garen. What fun was exploration, when he couldn’t try his master’s infinite patience with a hurried tale of his discoveries? “I’m cold and I’m hungry,” he mumbled into Garen’s shoulder as the Jedi set him down on a ready bunk. “I know,” Garen soothed as Bant stepped forward and quickly took charge. She threw a quick questioning look at Garen, and the slow shake of his head drained the color from her skin. In that wordless exchange, she knew that if she were to see her friend again, it would be only the body he had once inhabited. Obi-Wan was now a part of the Force, a part of them, always there, but never visible and never heard - near, but always far away. “I want Master.” A simple statement, full of longing and empty of hope. “I know,” Garen hushed him, as he fumbled to loosen Anakin’s grip on him. “We need to get him out of those wet clothes,” Bant instructed her fellow Jedi, and Anakin flushed. “Like master, like padawan,” Garen teased, before a frown from Bant shut him up. She wrapped a warm blanket around Anakin as the Jedi pulled off the boy’s boots and wet clothing. After taking Anakin’s vital signs and checking for signs of frostbite, Bant let Garen slip Anakin into dry clothing before rewrapping him in blankets and allowing him to lie back against the pillow, several glasses of warm liquid near at hand. Through it all, Anakin was strangely silent, with only a slight quiver of his lips betraying his emotions. Bant asked no questions, for which Anakin was grateful. He couldn’t talk about Obi-Wan, not now, how he had waited and waited, and how a part of him still rebelled against the idea that his master was dead. He closed his eyes and shut himself away from Bant and Garen, still fighting reality. He huddled miserably in his bunk, grateful when the other Jedi went away and left him alone. Tears were elusive, for which Anakin was grateful. Tears would only emphasize how alone he was, for tears always brought his master to his side. That night on Naboo, he had woken from sleep sobbing as he had never before sobbed, knowing his mother wasn’t there to hug the tears away. He had opened his eyes and Obi-Wan was padding barefoot to his side, his eyes red and disheveled, looking as he had never before or since seen his master. With a backhanded swipe across his eyes and a catch in his throat, Obi-Wan had dropped to his knees beside the bed and hesitantly extended his arms – and Anakin had turned away from him that time, too. Now he regretted those times he had not allowed Obi-Wan to comfort him – and suddenly wondered - had Obi-Wan also needed Anakin’s comfort, only to be rejected? Maybe that was why his master kept his distance; would only come and lay a hand on his arm when Anakin’s tears woke him and brought him padding in barefoot. Obi-Wan never said anything, just sat at his side and maybe, if Anakin allowed, brushed a tear from his cheek, waiting until after Anakin fell asleep before leaving. No, tears would only emphasize how alone he was, for tears always brought his master to his side. Tears tonight would not, tonight tears would only show how empty that spot beside him was. There was too much emptiness already, all within him. Once he had had nothing but hope, then he had been given hope in abundance. Now…even that had been taken from him…unless he believed…and wished…and continued to hope…. Once away from Anakin and in the small corridor, Bant stopped and looked at her friend. It would hurt, but she needed to know how Obi-Wan’s life had ended. “Tell me,” she requested, her voice soft, and Garen nodded. Folding his arms, he leaned against a bulkhead, looking infinitely weary. “From what I gather, they fell into a crevasse and Obi-Wan was able to stop their fall. He was hurt from their crash landing already, and I guess didn’t have the strength to use the Force to reinforce the anchor which was slipping. He had grabbed Anakin and both of them were hanging on one line. He sent Anakin up first, but I gather he thought there wasn’t time and he – well, he cut the cable. He fell – it was a long way down, Bant. Obi – he – it’s been two nights now.” “Oh, Obi,” Bant breathed. “He’s truly dead, then – there’s no chance….” “Practically none,” Garen said, shaking his head, his brown eyes full of pain. “No, he’s dead, Bant, even if he somehow survived the fall – two nights without shelter, already hurt? Obi-Wan has rejoined the Force. Just look into Anakin’s eyes if you have any doubt. He knows.” While Obi-Wan had been far more capable of concealing and dealing with his emotions, his expressive eyes had reflected the same grief and disbelieving comprehension after his master’s death on Naboo. The mirthful and wry friend they knew had been submerged in solemnity, but they had understood why, as details of those last few days had slowly surfaced. Few knew all the details, Obi-Wan had kept much to himself, as he usually did, but his two closest friends had coaxed some of the story from him, knowing that to speak of it would help release the internalized emotions that their friend had not yet been able to release. Shamed of his reaction, Obi-Wan reluctantly admitted to having been hurt by and angry at his master for what he took as his casual dismissal in front of the Council, and though the two Jedi had repaired the breach in their relationship before Qui-Gon’s death, the scars had only begun to heal. Neither friend could comprehend Qui-Gon’s actions in front of the Council and were surprised that Obi-Wan wasn’t entirely devastated by it: to be dismissed before one’s knighting was tantamount to declaring the padawan unworthy, though their friend was considered one of the best padawans in the Order. They knew Qui-Gon was more than satisfied with Obi-Wan’s abilities; his pride restrained but obvious. Qui-Gon would never deliberately hurt his padawan, yet, he had. It was possible that the master had been preparing to put his padawan up for the trials, but reluctant to let go until forced to take a stand. If that were so, Obi-Wan had had no idea and only thought his master had dismissed him in favor of another. Then so shortly after, witnessing his master’s death while unable to intervene, fighting for his very life while trying to stay in the light, taking a life…his sudden promotion to knight…even Obi-Wan’s steady temperament had been all but overwhelmed. Only long years of Jedi training had helped the new knight deal with everything. Anakin had no such training to fall back on: he was a boy who clung to what he knew. Though Bant was sure he had not had the same deep emotional connection to his master that Obi-Wan had - at least yet - she knew he had developed a deep affection for his master, as Obi-Wan had for him. “It’s going to be hard on Anakin…I know Obi’s been trying to teach him detachment and how to release his emotions, but with Obi struggling so hard after Qui-Gon’s death… poor Obi, I knew he felt he wasn’t much of a role model to his apprentice.” “I thought he was handling it well,” Garen protested. “I mean, I know he misses Qui-Gon, but he slips so easily now into acceptance. That whole business on Naboo just put him into such alignment with the Force -.” “You saw how quiet he was when Anakin wasn’t around and how his eyes would get so unfocused,” Bant corrected Garen, shaking her head. “He was so tired, because every time he fell asleep he saw Qui-Gon dying in front of him and knew he was helpless. He told me for a week he’d wake up every night crying or to the sound of Anakin crying, sometimes both. Why did you think his eyes were so red?” “Because Anakin would wake him up in the middle of night and he – oh! I knew he wasn’t sleeping well that first week.” Garen sucked in his breath and shook his head. “That’s what he meant – is that why you and Yoda were talking to him that first morning after his return just outside the Room of a Thousand Fountains?” “He’d gone there to meditate and Yoda found him sound asleep on a bench. He’s pretty fond of Obi; I think he was keeping an eye on him. He gave Obi an ultimatum: one week and if he wasn’t sleeping, he’d be given a sleep suggestion or sent to the healers, and how would that look to his padawan. You should have seen Obi’s face; then Yoda actually patted him on the arm and hobbled away.” The words, or the threat, had seemed to help, perhaps the countless hours Obi-Wan spent in meditation as Anakin was in class. The growing bond between the master and apprentice had also helped, and as Obi-Wan gradually started some one-on-one training with Anakin, some of the scars had begun to heal as he settled into his new life. “He finally left it behind him and was happy,” Bant said. “After he and Anakin went to Hoth he laughed again, his eyes twinkled when he smiled…Garen, I’ll miss him, but if Obi could finally let go of his master, we can let go of Obi, right?” Garen pulled Bant into his arms and the two friends hugged, consoling each other before facing the other two Jedi. They would allow themselves this moment of weakness before releasing their grief into the Force, as Obi-Wan would want. They would need to be strong and help Obi-Wan’s padawan deal with his loss. Aneil and Mace sat silently in the other cabin, hot drinks in hand. Mace rubbed a hand over his eyes, and asked calmly as the two friends entered, “How is young Anakin?” “Medically, he’s fine,” Bant said, sitting down. “I don’t know how he’s handling Obi’s death; he’s not talking. I’m not sure he accepts it; I don’t know if you should – let him see Obi-Wan or not, once you recover his body.” “If,” Mace said. He nodded stiffly at Bant’s soft exclamation. “We won’t risk losing anyone to recover his body. We don’t even know if we can get to it.” The Council member was correct, of course. No one should be placed in danger to recover a body. It wasn’t Obi-Wan lying out there, somewhere. That life was back in the Force. Still, Bant closed her eyes; she couldn’t imagine leaving Obi-Wan’s body behind, alone on a strange planet. It seemed like a cruel abandonment. Just then Garen caught her eyes; he laid a hand over his heart and looked steadily at her: Obi-Wan continued to live, in their hearts, and that was what was important. She nodded and touched her head: They would keep their friend alive in both their hearts and minds. The four Jedi sat with little conversation amongst them. What was there to say? The words would be said at the service – the funeral pyre most likely empty, the spirit already traveled to the Force. The weather, as well as night fall, had precluded them getting a good look down the crevasse. Unspoken was the thought: was it possible, no matter how unlikely, for Obi-Wan to be still alive? And if so, could he possibly survive another night? Could they recover his body? After this time, they knew there was little chance of his being alive. The odds were against it, and only that fact gave them a bit of hope, for only Obi-Wan Kenobi beat impossible odds. Their heat sensors had found only one sign of life: Anakin, a weak signal indeed. That and the emergency code on the comlink had zeroed them in to his location; no such signal came from elsewhere. Obi-Wan’s comlink was as silent as he was, as silent as the Force regarding his fate. Garen shivered and wrapped his arms around his body. “I’m sorry,” he muttered, when Mace looked at him. “We grew up together. It’s hard.” Bant leaned her head against him and nodded. Surprising the others, Mace nodded also. If anything, he looked sterner than usual. “I know. I watched him grow up – pushed him hard – I had expected someday he would sit on the Council.” He frowned at their looks. “Obi-Wan always showed he had the potential to become a great Jedi, even with his somewhat rocky early years. Yoda and I – we both had high expectations for him. I know it’s hard, but as Jedi we all know what we need to do.” Garen’s eyes were drawn to Mace’s hand, fingers slowly tapping against his knee. The Council member seemed perfectly calm and accepting, but his hands had betrayed him. Mace stilled his fingers when he noticed Garen’s look and stared at his hands, now clasped in his lap. “I will miss young Kenobi, as I missed Qui-Gon Jinn when he died. It does take some time to accept the loss of a – friend. Don’t think I do not understand.” He would have stepped in as surrogate master to Obi-Wan, had the padawan not proven himself ready to be knighted on Naboo, following Qui-Gon Jinn’s death. Instead, he had offered the young knight his counsel if he ever wished it. Obi-Wan had, not unexpectedly, been surprised by the offer and humbled by it, for he had felt the sting of Mace’s censure several times during his younger years. “You will someday rejoice at his return home to the Force,” Master Aneil said softly. “I did not know Obi-Wan Kenobi well, but I know he accepted death when it came. Cutting the cable to save his padawan proves that. I lost my first padawan, quite young; I too grieved for a time. You will of course mourn the young man, but then you will release it, and one day you will rejoice for having known him and for his return home.” “One day…,” Bant echoed, and fought back tears. One day her memories would comfort her, now, they only hurt. “Someday. I should go check on – on Obi’s padawan. Then I think I will be going straight to my bunk. Good night.” None of them moved as she left. Master Aneil sat with eyes closed in meditation, Mace Windu sat silently with quiet face and frown, and Garen sat with his head in his hands – all still, all quiet, all alone with their thoughts. Seeking release, each in his own way. Bant entered the medical cabin quietly in case Anakin was sleeping. Stars twinkled faintly through the cabin’s transparisteel panel and cast no light, but there was faint illumination from outside. In the dim light, Bant could see that Anakin was awake and staring at, apparently, nothing, as she approached his side. “Hi, kiddo, how are you feeling?” Bant sat by his side, ignoring the slow tears trickling from the boy’s eyes. “I’m sorry, Bant,” and the heart break in the young voice mirrored that in Bant’s heart. She drew the blanket up to his chin and patted him on the shoulder. “For what? You did nothing wrong.” Anakin shifted uneasily and his eyes finally met Bant’s; he shrugged. Wasn’t just being alive, when his master was dead, wrong? When the two of them had committed to each as master and padawan, they had sworn to protect each other. Their oath was not idle words, as Obi-Wan had already proved. Obi-Wan had promised to protect his padawan with his life, and he had. Anakin had promised to protect and save his master – and he had not. He knew he was born to save people. After Qui-Gon’s death he had vowed he would never lose anyone he cared about again. Never. He had let himself down, as well as Obi-Wan. “I’m supposed to save him.” To his surprise, Bant nodded and touched a finger to his cheek, wiped a tear away and for a moment he was reminded of his mother and her gentleness. He wanted his mother to gather him into her arms and kiss his tears away, to share his grief, and he realized he missed his mother not just for herself, but her help in dealing with Obi-Wan’s death. As much as he missed his mother, at the moment he missed his master more, for this loss was irrevocable and his death was his fault. “You did save him, though, Ani. In a way. Obi died knowing you were safe, because you obeyed him, and he knew if you listened to him, you would be alive when rescue came. He would have died happy knowing his death had purpose. He died so that you would live.” Anakin’s fingers tightened on the edge of the blanket. As if that was supposed to make him feel better. Obi-Wan was still dead. Obi-Wan couldn’t forgive him, but maybe Bant would. He had an urge to confess, now, while he could speak of it. Let Bant get upset with him, so then he wouldn’t feel so dead inside. Was this how guilt felt, or was the numbness he hated actually keeping the pain away? He didn’t want to feel worse, he didn’t deserve to feel better, and he most certainly didn’t merit Bant’s understanding. “I killed him,” he suddenly blurted out. “No, Ani. You didn’t.” Bant didn’t understand. If she did, even mild-mannered Bant would be upset with him, even perhaps raise her voice as she scolded him. He didn’t want to see the scorn and anger in her eyes, but something within him demanded he speak the truth, now, or forever hide it inside. Anakin drew a deep breath; then spoke in a rush before he changed his mind. “Master pointed out a safe route; then he trusted me to lead the way. I was worried, ‘cuz he didn’t look well and I thought this other way would be quicker down, and that way too, I could get a look in that crack that he wanted us to stay well away from. Master didn’t seem to notice when I got near the edge, maybe because he had his hand to his head like it hurt. I don’t really remember what happened next – I think I slipped and – and I think Master came running. I remember – I just remember Master stumbling and then he was flying over the edge and since we were tied together I fell after him and then he stopped and then I stopped when he grabbed me.” He fell silent, waiting for the condemnation he was sure he was going to hear. He disobeyed a lot – not really on purpose – and Obi-Wan always said something in that tone that made him feel bad and decide to be better – but he had never disobeyed to the extent of actually harming anyone. And now his master was dead, and Bant was going to punish him. He finally dared to look at her; the look on her face both humbled and stung him. Stunned comprehension predominated; shock and horror were quickly replaced by compassion. Only the hitch in her voice betrayed her as she swallowed hard before speaking. “You were wrong to disobey Obi, but you didn’t kill your master, Ani. It was an accident. You know that, don’t you? And you obeyed him after he fell -.” Anakin’s eyes fell away from the soft silver eyes facing him as he interrupted. “I didn’t obey him, though, Bant – I was supposed to keep going, down to the forest, build a fire. He told me to keep going, but I didn’t. I only sat – I didn’t even look for him. I just waited for him to come to me, because I knew – he would. But he won’t, will he?” The silence drew his eyes back up. This time he saw tears glistening in Bant’s silver eyes, and he knew he wasn’t the only one who missed his master. “No. He’s not coming back. He’s gone, Anakin.” Anakin nodded, and scrubbed his eyes. “I think I know that. I think I always knew that, but he promised. He promised he would hang on; he promised to be there for me and I – I miss him.” He would not cry. He would not. Jedi didn’t cry. Obi-Wan would not cry; neither would he. Even if his heart was broken. “It’s okay to cry, Anakin.” In the darkness, Anakin couldn’t see Bant’s face. He knew only that her fingers softly stroked his hair and her voice was gentle and understanding. He shook his head. She felt the movement under her fingertips, his denial. “Why not?” “Master doesn’t – didn’t cry. Not ever. Even when he wanted to. ‘Cuz Jedi don’t cry.” He was gathered in arms smelling faintly of salt, the smell he always associated with Bant and therefore all Mon Calamarians. “Obi-Wan cried,” she assured him. “Usually inside, where the tears would not be seen; he thought no one knew. He never cried in front of you because he thought he needed to be strong in front of you. He knew your opinion of him, that you were – ah – didn’t want to be his padawan.” “He didn’t want me, either.” It was a truth that had turned around, but a truth all the same. The healer searched for words. It was all too evident that Anakin thought and felt differently than Jedi raised in the Temple from birth. Explaining the trying circumstances that brought Obi-Wan and Anakin together, something neither one had initially wanted, was difficult. “He thought he was losing his master to you. He had a very human reaction; even Obi was never a perfect Jedi. No Jedi is. He and Qui-Gon reconciled before – before everything that happened later, and suddenly your master’s life had turned totally around.” She could still hear the underlying note of bewilderment in Obi-Wan’s voice when she and Garen had met him on his return from Naboo. He was back in familiar surroundings, and nothing was familiar. He was a knight, with a padawan, back in a place where he had never been anything but the padawan himself. “Obi-Wan was just a padawan himself, a padawan without his master, and suddenly he was responsible for you and in a life he hadn’t expected yet. He had killed for the first time, and he didn’t take that lightly. And yet, he said one of the hardest things he ever had to do was to tell you that Qui-Gon was dead.” “I thought I hated him then,” Anakin admitted, something he had never before said out loud. He wouldn’t tell Bant, as he had never told his master, but that day he had wished that Obi-Wan had been the one to die and Qui-Gon had been the one to live. He would have accepted that with few regrets and no real sorrow. Instead, Obi-Wan had come into the room where he celebrated success with Padme, her guards, the other pilots. Anakin had jumped up, looking for Qui-Gon behind that young man that Qui-Gon would have given up for Anakin, but Obi-Wan was alone. He was solemn and calm, every inch of him a Jedi – until one looked into his eyes and saw how vulnerable he was underneath. Obi-Wan had come straight to him and kneeled before him, placing his hands on the boy’s shoulders. “I’m sorry, I – I couldn’t save him. Qui-Gon Jinn is dead.” He swallowed hard, and slowly stood up as Anakin turned away from him and turned to Padme for comfort. “He knew, Anakin, he knew exactly what you thought of him, but it didn’t matter. What Qui-Gon asked of him didn’t matter. You were what mattered to him at that moment. He told me that was when he released his doubts – about his ability to be a master to a boy who didn’t want him as a master – when he told you about Qui-Gon’s death. He said when he looked in your eyes, he saw into your heart – and into his. Not even being knighted meant as much to him as when you accepted him as your master.” “Really, Bant?” He was hearing things about his master that he had never dreamed of. Obi-Wan rarely showed what he felt. He hadn’t been terribly certain about his place in the new knight’s life – that night under the stars on Hoth had been the most intimate moment they had shared. “Really, Anakin.” “I love him.” The admission came easy, with Bant’s hand still stroking him. “He loved you.” “He died because of me,” a weary sigh, an admission of loss. “He died for you.” -----signature----- http://boards.theforce.net/fan_fiction_resource/b10304/25405090/p3/?52 Prolific Author thread: list & links there. Muse fueled by coffee. Often AWOL despite frequent sipping. Writes on inspiration, not a schedule. Proud master of several padawans
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dianethx Registered: Mar '02	Date Posted: 12/30/06 7:09pm Subject: RE: Never Look Back. Obi, young Ani. Drama. 123006 Ch 4 posted. Ani confesses..
	I don't know what to say. It's written beautifully but has torn my heart into shreds. I keep hoping that he's alive but it's not likely at this point. I feel terrible for poor Anakin and, in a way, with Obi-Wan, when he was hesitantly opening his arms to Anakin and the boy turned away. That must have really hurt him terribly. And Anakin, knowing that he made a mistake and it cost Obi-Wan his life. I can only imagine how much guilt he must be feeling. Wonderful job. I figured he was dead when I was reading your replies earlier. I kept hoping.. but sometimes the story demands sacrifice. Loved it. -----signature----- Betrayal - http://boards.theforce.net/s/b1/10935143 updated 9/22/08 Fragments of Illusion- http://boards.theforce.net/bts/b10475/28456473 updated 11/20/08 jedidas3's Master At last - Hope for our country
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Cole_Kenobi Registered: Aug '05	Date Posted: 12/30/06 8:27pm Subject: RE: Never Look Back. Obi, young Ani. Drama. 123006 Ch 4 posted. Ani confesses..
	Gah, why does this have to be so heart-whrenching(sp?) sad? Oh, I know why, because this is Obi we are talking bout. And gosh, Anakin's childish innocence, sayng he killed him,and going through his memories to when he first became Obiwan's apprentiene, and not letting Obiwan comfort him but not wishing that he had his Masters arms to hold him. Gah its just all so touching. And there seems to be no hope for Obiwan still being alive. And I would have thought there would have been more grieft out of Garen and Bant. Awesome update, thank you so very much! It was a delight to get the PM saving there is a new chapter awaiting me. I apologize for my misspellings and possibly inncoherent sentences, I'm utterly tired and sleepy but I couldn't pass up the oppertunity to read and review.
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joanne_jinn Registered: Jan '06	Date Posted: 12/31/06 1:48am Subject: RE: Never Look Back. Obi, young Ani. Drama. 123006 Ch 4 posted. Ani confesses..
	I never thought I'd be in a position where I felt sorry for Anakin, but poor kid, convinced that he killed Obi-Wan. And poor Bant and Garen, faced with the death of their friend and then faced with perhaps not recovering his body. I'd say poor Mace, but I'm not going to 'cos I don't like the guy.
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JediMasterJessica Registered: Jul '05	Date Posted: 12/31/06 7:31am Subject: RE: Never Look Back. Obi, young Ani. Drama. 123006 Ch 4 posted. Ani confesses..
	I love this story. I usually lurk but I figured I'd post on this one. I miss Obi, He's too awesome to die! I love your writing, it's very visual -----signature----- Proud lover of A/P, Siriwan, L/M, & TK/J Yo mamma is so stupid, she thought Jar Jar came with Pickles Pickles
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Healer_Leona Registered: Jul '00	Date Posted: 12/31/06 7:58am Subject: RE: Never Look Back. Obi, young Ani. Drama. 123006 Ch 4 posted. Ani confesses..
	I'm still in denial that Obi-Wan's dead. Wonderful job of showing us Anakin's fear and and pain over the loss of his master. -----signature----- I'm older now and still running against the wind
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Luna_Nightshade Registered: Jan '06	Date Posted: 12/31/06 11:29pm Subject: RE: Never Look Back. Obi, young Ani. Drama. 123006 Ch 4 posted. Ani confesses..
	You beautifully and painfully portray loss in so many different ways--from a Jedi, from a child, from a best friend, from someone like an adopted son. It is gorgeous and always so very sad to read. I suppose I can hold out hope because I can be idealistic at times... but I agree with dianethx; sometimes stories require sacrifice. This is a beautiful one. Much , VS. Loved it as always. -----signature----- You can learn a lot about things if you just step back and look. Catching up. Please be patient.
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Valairy_Scot Title: PT Rewrite Winner Registered: Sep '05	Date Posted: 1/1/07 12:18am Subject: RE: Never Look Back. Obi, young Ani. Drama. 123006 Ch 4 posted. Ani confesses.. - Date Edited: 11/10/07 2:08pm (2 edits total) Edited By: Valairy_Scot
	Happy 2007 everybody. So, is this or is this not a chapter you've been waiting for - a new chapter for the new year! Dianethx: I feel terrible for poor Anakin and, in a way, with Obi-Wan, when he was hesitantly opening his arms to Anakin and the boy turned away. That must have really hurt him terribly. Well, considering that was the night after Qui-Gon’s death, Obi-Wan was still a padawan and uncertain of his future and Anakin was in shock and grieving, and not all that familiar with Obi-Wan other than as a rival for Qui-Gon...I think it was less hurtful than it might have been later on. And Anakin, knowing that he made a mistake and it cost Obi-Wan his life. I can only imagine how much guilt he must be feeling. For now, but he doesn’t handle guilt well either. He’ll find a way to transfer it off his shoulders. I figured he was dead when I was reading your replies earlier. I kept hoping.. but sometimes the story demands sacrifice. Sometimes…. Cole_Kenobi: And gosh, Anakin's childish innocence, saying he killed him, and going through his memories to when he first became Obi-Wan's apprentice, and not letting Obi-Wan comfort him but now wishing that he had his Master’s arms to hold him. Yeah, that pretty well demonstrates the progression of their relationship, from uneasy and reluctant acceptance to recognition that they wished their relationship were closer. And I would have thought there would have been more grief out of Garen and Bant. Well, as tempting to write as that was (and it WAS tempting) they are Jedi and I think it would be out of character for them to burst into tears and wail and weep, and also two older Jedi were there, including Mace. Though I didn’t write it, you can imagine the memories interrupting their sleep and how they mourned in private. Heck, I hesitated when I had Obi-Wan admit to waking up crying for a week, etc. as he looked pretty calm at Qui-Gon’s funeral and pretty determined when Yoda told him of his promotion (movie) – it’s awfully easy to project our universe and our normal reactions onto the GFFA Jedi. joanne_jinn: Well, Anakin will, as always, find a way to rationalize that things that went wrong do because of other’s actions or inactions. For now, he’s pretty devastated. And poor Bant and Garen, faced with the death of their friend and then faced with perhaps not recovering his body. I'd say poor Mace, but I'm not going to 'cos I don't like the guy. I’m actually starting to like Mace’s character a bit more than I originally did, so I’m using him sometimes. Bant and Garen – it’s tough on them, really tough, but they do their Jedi stoicism well. JediMasterJessica: Welcome, lurker! I miss Obi, He's too awesome to die! I definitely agree. I love your writing, it's very visual. Healer_Leona: I'm still in denial that Obi-Wan's dead. Oh, you and that Anakin, just can’t really wrap your minds around Obi-Wan’s death. Luna: You beautifully and painfully portray loss in so many different ways--from a Jedi, from a child, from a best friend, from someone like an adopted son. It is gorgeous and always so very sad to read. Aw, thanks, writing is a way to inhabit a different reality and different character; it's a way to explore anguish and stuff that I probably would never express in real life. I suppose I can hold out hope because I can be idealistic at times... but I agree with dianethx; sometimes stories require sacrifice. I know, I know...but still... Well, I believe I mentioned I might have a ghost show up…read on. Also, the one movie that I mentioned that had a similar fate for a character was Into the Void. I saw that movie once and I really don’t remember the details, just that the climbing partner had to cut the rope to save himself which dropped his friend into the crevasse and then…. So...I hope you all like the present in this chapter.... Chapter 5 Visions of the Dead Under the clearing skies, the ship sat on its blanket of white, hull silently gleaming with reflections from running lights that were left on, though no one could say why – perhaps, it was unimportant, distant from thought on this mournful night. None of the Jedi looked forward to the morning, for none truly wished to find confirmation of their worst fears: finding Obi-Wan pale and still in death and snow dusting unseeing eyes that had once shone so brightly. None of them, either, wished to leave him behind, those same eyes staring forever sightlessly into eternity. They were Jedi, but they were also human, all except Aneil, and there was something deep within them that demanded certain duties to the dead. It was human of them to wish to close those once luminous eyes, to say a final goodbye, to bring Obi-Wan home so that his fellow Jedi could pay their final respects and release their grief as the body was sent to join the spirit in the Force. Jedi or not, there was still something in them that wished for the impossible and dared to dream of the unlikely – finding Obi-Wan, somehow, alive. He wasn’t, of course, could not be, but – still…they needed confirmation of his death to move on, before they moved on, for once they left this planet, they would not return. Should they be forced to leave without finding his body, it would always be a haunting fear: had they left one of theirs behind, still alive, only to die. Aneil and Mace were sound asleep, years of experience in dealing with tragedy and grief serving them well. Garen and Bant each slept restlessly, thoughts of Obi-Wan over the years intruding on their rest. Weariness and grief pushed Anakin, finally, to sleep, his arms unconsciously reaching out for his master, giving Obi-Wan something to come home to. Anakin dreamed that night of his master. Obi-Wan was here, coming to him…feel his presence, reach out to him. Obi-Wan! Master! He could feel him: the tiny glow in his mind that was the training bond, open; feel him, the certainty of his presence nearby. The dream pulled him awake, positive that Obi-Wan sat by his side, watching over him as he did when Anakin was sick or had nightmares, a warm hand resting on his arm and a gentle smile creasing his face. “Master!” he whispered, waking with a joyful smile, collapsing back on his pillow with tears in his eyes. There was no warm weight on his arm and no smiling face at his side. He lay alone, shivering under the weight of several warm blankets, and wondering illogically if the dead also shivered. He was cold, far colder than the temperature warranted. Cold, like a man outside in the snow for far too long. Cold, like the chill of death that had claimed his master. The cold called to him and he had to obey, for the cold was of the Force. Go, you must go, for tomorrow you leave. By his side you must be tonight. There would be no funeral pyre for Obi-Wan, for no body would be found; no body recovered. The depths had swallowed all sign of his master and forever would Obi-Wan slumber deep within his tomb. Anakin knew this in a way he couldn’t explain and knew that he had to spend that final night in vigil as the Force whispered, far above where his master lay below. He could not sleep, warm and whole, inside, as his master lay dead and broken, outside. He dressed, wrapped blankets around him, slipped on his now dry boots and carefully jumped from a cargo access, not daring to lower the ramp and awaken the sleeping Jedi. He needed to be alone for this and he needed to be allowed to do this. Anakin trudged forward, careful where his footsteps led him, yet not caring if one misstep took him to his master’s side. A master and a padawan belonged together, but Obi-Wan hadn’t wanted his padawan to die with him. He had chosen to leave his padawan alone, grieving and in pain – leaving Anakin in the same pain that Obi-Wan had been left in when his master had died. Even if Obi-Wan had tried to hide it from him, he knew how much his master had suffered: the sorrow and the grief he tucked within his heart and that shone deep within his eyes. It had lightened a lot, that trip in the snow, but it had not entirely disappeared. How could his master wish that same fate for him? His master had not just allowed, but chosen, to leave his padawan alone once more, abandoning him to both fate and the Force. He was a child of prophecy, but a child of destiny as well – a destiny of being left behind, adrift and alone. At last, the forlorn anchor stood before him, leaning at an impossible angle, the only marker to his master’s final resting place. It mocked him, standing in the snow: here you failed, I stand here as witness. Anakin whimpered, for if he hadn’t stopped to catch his breath, if he had directly thrown himself on the anchor the very moment he came over the edge, he would have given his master another second or two to hang on, another second or two which would have saved his life. His foot suddenly lashed out, knocking the anchor free, but without any weight on it, it merely fell over and lay there, accusing him with its presence. “It’s your fault! You didn’t hold! If you had just stayed in place, Master would not have needed to die!” He kicked it again, a second time, and it flew into the air and disappeared. What if it landed on Obi-Wan? Sharp edges digging into flesh, shredding clothing, piercing an eye? Noooooo! His master didn’t need that indignity added – and what would Garen, Bant, say when they found his master’s crumpled body with an anchor stuck in him? His fault. Everything was his fault! Obi-Wan would be alive if he hadn’t been so curious. Obi-Wan would be alive if his padawan had just been faster and more focused. Obi-Wan would be alive if Anakin just followed instructions and listened to his master. Anakin dropped to his knees in the snow, meaning to apologize, hoping the Force would carry his master’s forgiveness to him. He had been truly worried about Obi-Wan, the way he stumbled behind Anakin and the slightly glazed look in his eyes; the way he had not protested when Anakin changed course. He had allowed a boy who had only been on snow once to shepherd him down the mountain, an injured man. He had allowed Anakin to lead them both into danger, because of both concern and curiosity. He had allowed Anakin to lead them into danger where Obi-Wan had no choice but to die, to save his padawan. It was Obi-Wan’s fault that his padawan was alone and grieving. It was Obi-Wan’s fault that his body would remain buried forever within ice, and it was Obi-Wan’s fault that Garen and Bant hurt as much as he. “I hate you!” His hate was unanswered, alone in the night. That was when Anakin finally and irrevocably knew that Obi-Wan was dead. He had not truly known it before, as he did now. Before – before he had come to admit it, in his mind if not his heart. Now – now he knew it. Obi-Wan would not allow his padawan to hate. Obi-Wan had seen hate, felt its fingers touch him and nearly take him, and would not allow it anywhere near his padawan. Facing hate, feeling hate, renouncing hate – that was Obi-Wan’s trial; that had been his passage to knighthood. Obi-Wan knew hate and Obi-Wan would not allow it. “I – hate – you!” The words rang in the air, echoed amongst peaks and came back untouched – Obi-Wan was not there to fight the hate with him. Obi-Wan would never be with him again. “I hate you,” he repeated, softly this time. That was when the tears came, and the words were the opposite of truth. As if the words had the power to summon the dead, a shimmering apparition built of ice stumbled and wavered into view. Anakin scrubbed his eyes hard; for a moment he thought that Obi-Wan was coming towards him, a ghost, or a demon, clad in white robes and pale of skin, crowned by a halo of blood. The dead, summoned by his mind; the dead, summoned by his hate. A specter, a ghost, something his mind created to torment him in his grief and anger. “Go away,” he shrieked. “My master is dead, I don’t want to see you, go away, go away, go away.” The ghost fell to its knees and one arm reached out weakly, its lips moved like it was trying to utter words, but it neither spoke or went away. “Go ‘way!” For a startled moment, Anakin thought the ghost had obeyed, for it had vanished from sight. He stood up, and saw that the ghost was collapsed on the ground. It was trying to trick him. It wanted to lure him to its side. He could see an arm, reaching – reaching for him. He was a Jedi, and he wasn’t scared of ghosts. He would make that ghost disappear. “Go ‘way, go ‘way,” Anakin shouted, running to the ghost and pummeling it with his fists, striking blow after blow as the ghost stared at him with dead eyes. “Master’s dead, Master’s dead – I don’t want to see you – leave me alone…,” and he screamed as one chilly arm of death reached him, wrapped itself around him, and squeezed. Yeah, I know this was a fairly short chapter, but it was such an irresistible chapter ending. -----signature----- http://boards.theforce.net/fan_fiction_resource/b10304/25405090/p3/?52 Prolific Author thread: list & links there. Muse fueled by coffee. Often AWOL despite frequent sipping. Writes on inspiration, not a schedule. Proud master of several padawans
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earlybird-obi-wan Registered: Aug '06	Date Posted: 1/1/07 1:28am Subject: RE: Never Look Back. Obi, young Ani. Drama. 010107 Ch 5 posted. The ghost shows up
	So Obi-Wan is becoming a ghost after all? Great update -----signature----- writer and Star Wars fan FANART [link=http://boards.theforce.net/fan_art/b10020/25793899]fanart[/link] stories in my bio
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Princess_Arulmozhi Registered: Nov '04	Date Posted: 1/1/07 2:57am Subject: RE: Never Look Back. Obi, young Ani. Drama. 010107 Ch 5 posted. The ghost shows up
	Cruel, cruel author. Is it really a ghost? or is Obi-Wan after all? <begs and pleads> Bring him back, please? Poor Ani, though. Forced to so much distress - but as the Chosen One, that has always been his fate.Not at the expense of Obi, though. More soooooon! PS: I rather agree with the idea of Jedi not showing much grief. It's in keeping with their training and character. They would mourn him in their heart of hearts, not display it. -----signature----- Perceptions (Xanatos/Obi/Qui/Anakin) AU:http://boards.theforce.net/the_saga/b10476/25276178/p1/?7 - vignette Stones (Li'l Obi/Qui) - http://boards.theforce.net/before_the_saga/b10475/23371821/p1/ Best Author, WFFA (BtS) 05/06 Lore-Master to 7
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Luminara_Kenobi Registered: Sep '06	Date Posted: 1/1/07 3:34am Subject: RE: Never Look Back. Obi, young Ani. Drama. 010107 Ch 5 posted. The ghost shows up
	Sorry I didn't reply to the last chapter--two great updates! Poor Anakin, having to deal with this...I certainly can't blame him for going a little nutty-I am, too! I'm with P_A, I'm still holding out that it isn't necessarily a ghost...force apparitions aren't tangible, and Ani was hitting him, and if it was Obi, he still seemed injured...can't wait for the next update! -----signature----- Oafie & Lulu Long Live the original JA series-- why did it go out of print?! Long Live Freedom of Speech!!! Constantly thinking of new and innovative ways to shave Obi-Wan I miss you, too.
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Healer_Leona Registered: Jul '00	Date Posted: 1/1/07 5:41am Subject: RE: Never Look Back. Obi, young Ani. Drama. 010107 Ch 5 posted. The ghost shows up
	Oh poor Anakin. So full of pain and guilt. We still don't know who the ghost was, but that was darn creepy!! Superb post. -----signature----- I'm older now and still running against the wind
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joanne_jinn Registered: Jan '06	Date Posted: 1/1/07 6:42am Subject: RE: Never Look Back. Obi, young Ani. Drama. 010107 Ch 5 posted. The ghost shows up - Date Edited: 1/1/07 6:46am (1 edits total) Edited By: joanne_jinn
	Actually, y'know that thing I said about feeling sorry for Anakin? Forget it. Yeah, it really was Obi-Wan's fault that you screwed up, right Anakin? And I wonder, is this ghostie Obi-Wan or Anakin-hallucinating-ghostie-Obi-Wan?
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