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Author	Topic: What the Heart Hides. Siriwan. Drama. Humor. Update 090208 All is revealed, ready to move on
Romola1138 Registered: Oct '07	Date Posted: 7/4 11:15am Subject: RE: What the Heart Hides. Drama, h/c. Siriwan, Ani. 0704 The Demons Came Out to Play. Thanks for no
	I am really addicted to this story...Thank you for writing it!
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dianethx Registered: Mar '02	Date Posted: 7/4 11:29am Subject: RE: What the Heart Hides. Drama, h/c. Siriwan, Ani. 0704 The Demons Came Out to Play. Thanks for no
	You write Siri as abrasive and ironic and with deep feelings of love for Obi-Wan hidden from public view and I agree 100% with that. You shouldn't change Siri one iota, imo. She rings very true. Same with Anakin and Obi-Wan (although I like to write him with more emotion on the surface but that's really nuance more than anything else). Don't change how you've written them. They are just great. As for noms, it will come. For Saga you needed 4 votes to move on so they lowered it to 3 in some cases to get at least 3 stories (I also go in because of the lowering of the vote tally). Look at it this way. Three people thought your story or characters were the BEST of all the wonderful stories out there. How cool is that! As you look at who you are up against, oh my. Some really great writers and you're included in that list. Another yippee! So no matter who wins, you've already won. Onto the story. Oh, get out the poor Obi-Wan icon! He seems to be having a flashback and it's really getting to him. I loved, loved, loved that he was hearing Qui-Gon and that Qui was glad that he was being heard. But I can certainly understand why he would think he was going crazy. I’m not ill! Merely crazy, for a sane man would not converse with the dead. Get out of my head, false master of mine – I try, Force I try, but I cannot live in the moment – I can’t, I’m so sorry, but I just can’t. Oh, padawan mine…I know. Listen for once to your own mind, to others, not words from your past. Don’t cling to what you know for what you think is saving you is only hurting you. Go back – there - and face it, so you can free yourself of it. Find the truth and it shall set you free. No…just shut up. Jedi – I’m Jedi. Won’t be – won’t be – if go back there. A really emotional time for him. I have to wonder why he thought he was going to kill Siri. Did he think he was so weak that the darkness would take him? Not our Obi-Wan! The final part was so sweet, too. After all that turmoil, Obi was peeking through. She sat down at Obi-Wan’s side, smoothing his hair back from his eyes with one hand as he tightly held onto the other. “Don’t worry, Obi. I’m not going away. I promise. I’ll be at your side as long as you need me, probably far longer than you’ll want me.” “Forever works,” he mumbled, tightening his grip even more. “See, there is a romantic hidden somewhere inside you, Kenobi,” she whispered, dropping a light kiss on his forehead. “Forever, huh? Sounds nice.” Great job. Loved it. -----signature----- Betrayal - http://boards.theforce.net/s/b1/10935143 updated 6/28/08 Fragments of Illusion- http://boards.theforce.net/bts/b10475/28456473 updated 8/16/08 Freeze frame - http://boards.theforce.net/s/b10476/27820434 Master to jedidas3 Impeach Bush!
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smoke20ts Registered: Jun '05	Date Posted: 7/4 4:34pm Subject: RE: What the Heart Hides. Drama, h/c. Siriwan, Ani. 0704 The Demons Came Out to Play. Thanks for no
	Wow, what a terribly chilling picture for Obi-Wan. The thought and sight of killing his fellow Jedi had to have been incredibly painful for him. With such awful things clawing at him, it's no wonder he thought he might be going crazy when he heard Qui-Gon. “Go ‘way, please – go ‘way before I – I don’t want to hurt you, Siri.” Despite his words, he was holding on for dear life, using Siri as a lifeline. If a heart could break, Siri’s would be shattered into a million pieces. Only the Force and her love for this tormented man kept her in one piece, to be Obi-Wan’s anchor. “Whatever this is, release it, Obi, cry.” “I can’t,” Obi-Wan whispered, trying to pull away but Siri wouldn’t let him go. She cradled his face within her hands, then leaned forward so her face rested on his forehead. “Why not?” “I have no tears left within me. She took them – she took them away – too, the screams and the tears until there’s nothing left. Nothing left to hold onto, nothing. No tears, none left, none.” “Then I will give you mine.” Siri no longer tried to hold back her own tears, letting them spill forth. If only tears had the power to heal. “Oh, love, hold on to me. It’s time to let it out, let it all out and hold on to me.” Ever so gently, she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him. At first he was stiff and resisting, then with a soft cry of “Siri,” fingers clutched at her tunic as he buried his face in her shoulders - and all the tears she offered became his to spill forth; crying, finally crying. Silently, letting loose all the tears that had been bottled up inside. What a wonderful gift for Siri to give to Obi-Wan -- offering him her tears until he could finally let go and cry his own. Siri's heart wasn't the only one breaking -- mine was aching for Obi-Wan as well. I'm glad that she could be there to comfort and support him when he really needed help. She sat down at Obi-Wan’s side, smoothing his hair back from his eyes with one hand as he tightly held onto the other. “Don’t worry, Obi. I’m not going away. I promise. I’ll be at your side as long as you need me, probably far longer than you’ll want me.” “Forever works,” he mumbled, tightening his grip even more. “See, there is a romantic hidden somewhere inside you, Kenobi,” she whispered, dropping a light kiss on his forehead. “Forever, huh? Sounds nice.” This was such a wonderful and beautiful scene after the earlier trauma. And yeah, forever does sound nice. Well done!
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Veloz Registered: Aug '04	Date Posted: 7/4 8:25pm Subject: RE: What the Heart Hides. Drama, h/c. Siriwan, Ani. 0704 The Demons Came Out to Play. Thanks for no
	Awww this was an amazing update Poor Obi, he couldnt even believe that it was Qui-Gon trying to help him but it's good he's there, even if Obi-Wan doesnt believe it...now “Whatever this is, release it, Obi, cry.” “I can’t,” Obi-Wan whispered, trying to pull away but Siri wouldn’t let him go. She cradled his face within her hands, then leaned forward so her face rested on his forehead. “Why not?” “I have no tears left within me. She took them – she took them away – too, the screams and the tears until there’s nothing left. Nothing left to hold onto, nothing. No tears, none left, none.” “Then I will give you mine.” Siri no longer tried to hold back her own tears, letting them spill forth. If only tears had the power to heal. “Oh, love, hold on to me. It’s time to let it out, let it all out and hold on to me.” Ever so gently, she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him. At first he was stiff and resisting, then with a soft cry of “Siri,” fingers clutched at her tunic as he buried his face in her shoulders - and all the tears she offered became his to spill forth; crying, finally crying. Silently, letting loose all the tears that had been bottled up inside. this was so great The padawan gently stroked a hand through his master’s hair, his touch both tender and uncertain. Confusion and worry, as well as affectionate caring, radiated through the Force, bringing a faint smile to Siri’s face. Awww and mine too... it's great to see them like this. Cant be easy for Anakin to see the cool and collected Obi-Wan like that. Together they removed his outer layers, with Siri discretely turning away as Anakin stripped him down to his underclothing. come on Siri, u know u wanna have a look Obi-Wan clutched at her hand as Siri stood to leave. “Stay with me. Please,” he mumbled. “Safe…with you.” “Stay with him,” Anakin urged, his earlier fears turned to amusement at the sight of his master all but begging that someone keep him company as if he were a crechling who’d woken from a bad dream. “I’ll fix some tea for us.” “Good idea,” Siri said, trying to smile at the young man. “Call the healers, too, will you?” She sat down at Obi-Wan’s side, smoothing his hair back from his eyes with one hand as he tightly held onto the other. “Don’t worry, Obi. I’m not going away. I promise. I’ll be at your side as long as you need me, probably far longer than you’ll want me.” “Forever works,” he mumbled, tightening his grip even more. “See, there is a romantic hidden somewhere inside you, Kenobi,” she whispered, dropping a light kiss on his forehead. “Forever, huh? Sounds nice.” Lovely, just lovely Fantastic chapter as usual... i really hope this is a step forward for Obi-Wan to start to get back to his usual self... and well, maybe a step towards Siri too Thanks for the pm... i cant wait to read the next update! -----signature----- "Hello there!" "Remember the Force will be with you..always" - Obi Wan Kenobi, ANH "Who's the more foolish...the fool or the fool who follows him?"- Obi Wan Kenobi, ANH
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jedidas3 Registered: Apr '07	Date Posted: 7/5 6:39am Subject: RE: What the Heart Hides. Drama, h/c. Siriwan, Ani. 0704 The Demons Came Out to Play. Thanks for no
	I may know what's coming, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm still on the edge of my seat. This entire scene was so powerful. It makes me want to weep with Obi. I agree with Diane in that your characterizations of Siri, Obi, and Ani are perfect. Well done, my dear friend, well done indeed! -----signature----- The Past Revisited http://boards.theforce.net/the_saga/b10476/28440949 Lessons Learned http://boards.theforce.net/the_saga/b10476/28580784 Remembrance http://boards.theforce.net/before_the_saga/b10475/28009025 Padawan to dianethx
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Bastet Registered: Dec '99	Date Posted: 7/5 12:18pm Subject: RE: What the Heart Hides. Drama, h/c. Siriwan, Ani. 0704 The Demons Came Out to Play. Thanks for no
	Oh, Obi-Wan! Is this the first time Obi-Wan has been aware of Qui-Gon talking to him? Too bad it made him think he was going even more crazy. I'm glad Siri was there to help Obi-Wan, that part where she offered him her tears was so wonderfully sweet and sad! I'm glad Obi was finally able to let go of some of his emotions and cry a little. I felt bad for Anakin, though, witnessing his normally-stoic master break down like that. I'm really looking forward to more of this! -----signature----- "Oh yeah. Ooh, aah. That's how it always starts. But then later there's running, then...screaming." --Dr. Ian Malcolm "Okay fine. Go ahead and scream. Then when that tricycloplots attacks you, don't come crying to me." --Paul Kirby
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Raptor517 Registered: Sep '06	Date Posted: 7/5 1:41pm Subject: RE: What the Heart Hides. Drama, h/c. Siriwan, Ani. 0704 The Demons Came Out to Play. Thanks for no
	Another emotional-heart-tugging post! How do you keep churning these out? Raptor517 -----signature----- Piercing the Darkness http://boards.theforce.net/the_saga/b10476/28010631/p1/?1 His Brother's Words http://boards.theforce.net/the_saga/b10476/26020497/p1/?3 Metamorphosis http://boards.theforce.net/the_saga/b10476/24997946/p5/?7 Hunter's Vendetta http://
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Magier Registered: Jul '07	Date Posted: 7/6 12:16pm Subject: RE: What the Heart Hides. Drama, h/c. Siriwan, Ani. 0704 The Demons Came Out to Play. Thanks for no
	Got behind on this again. I really hate that the Council is pushing Obi-Wan along. I know it is a war and they need to know, but I agree with Obi-Wan that if they are questioning his integrity they need to remove him and allow him time to heal. At least it bothered Adi. This last post tore me apart. I love how Siri could allow him to cry and could cry with him, but that Anakin couldn't handle seeing Obi-Wan cry. I think it speaks to how close Siri and Obi-Wan really are. I am afraid that this is only going to push those involved to look for answers. -----signature----- No Legacy So Rich : Xan,OC, Obi, Qui (8/08) Seekers, Not Saints: SW/TB crossover (8/12)
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Darth_Teacher Registered: Jun '08	Date Posted: 7/6 12:45pm Subject: RE: What the Heart Hides. Drama, h/c. Siriwan, Ani. 0704 The Demons Came Out to Play. Thanks for no
	Wow. I'm really, honestly baffled! The approach you have in revealing the depth of his despair leaves me wrecked every time... I really related to the "I want you to leave, but stay forever" scene. Reminded me of myself through some rough patches. Excellent, touching work once again! -----signature----- I have a bad feeling about this... You smell like... bantha poodoo! Nono, like the innards of a frikkin tauntaun! Nono, you smell liiiike... A JABBA FART!
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ObiWans_Gurl86 Registered: Nov '06	Date Posted: 7/7 11:48am Subject: RE: What the Heart Hides. Drama, h/c. Siriwan, Ani. 0704 The Demons Came Out to Play. Thanks for no
	Aw that was such a great chapter Obiwan is soo cute "forever". Excellent post!!!! can't wait until his pain ends. -----signature----- ObiWans_Gurl86 Obi Wan is the best Jedi Ever!!!! "The meaning of life is change."-Obi Wan Kenobi "Do or do not there is no try."-Yoda "Patience exists to be tested."- Count Dooku
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Valairy_Scot Title: PT Rewrite Winner Registered: Sep '05	Date Posted: 7/9 12:19am Subject: RE: What the Heart Hides. Drama, h/c. Siriwan, Ani. 0709 One Demon is Named. Thanks for noms!
	earlybird-obi-wan: Siri will be the one to get through to Obi-Wan and not so very far ahead in this story, either. Gkilkenny: If only he could believe his master is there for him, in his time of need. Ah, but Siri is there, and he is clinging to her. No one in the GFFA has ever seen, heard, or experienced disembodied voices or blue ghosties – of course Obi-Wan thinks he’s hallucinating. I’d be worried if he didn’t, actually. JediMasterJessica: You’re really going to like what’s coming up – in bits and pieces, that is. I love this story so much Aw, thanks so much. Charie: Hmm... how soon is soon enough? Should I just dump the rest of the story on the boards – nah, don’t think so. romola1138 I am really addicted to this story...Thank you for writing it! . Thank YOU for reading it! Dianethx: You write Siri as abrasive and ironic and with deep feelings of love for Obi-Wan hidden from public view and I agree 100% with that. You shouldn't change Siri one iota, imo. She rings very true. That’s good to hear. Oh, get out the poor Obi-Wan icon! That made me LAUGH OUT LOUD! Sarcastic wonderfulness, there, my friend. Should I provide buckets for the tears? A really emotional time for him. I have to wonder why he thought he was going to kill Siri. Did he think he was so weak that the darkness would take him? Not our Obi-Wan! Hmm…you’ll see in just another few chapters, but the word is “hurt” not “kill” – he’s afraid this person he is only hurts those who care for him. Perhaps he is pushing them away to protect them from his pain and anguish…. We’re rapidly moving forward to seeing Obi-Wan’s “final fears” - he’s just about hit bottom and he’ll be starting to claw his way back up to normalcy. He just needs one last push while he’s at the bottom…and he’ll get it. I can hardly wait to post the next, oh, five to six chapters. Smoke20ts: Wow, what a terribly chilling picture for Obi-Wan. The thought and sight of killing his fellow Jedi had to have been incredibly painful for him. With such awful things clawing at him, it's no wonder he thought he might be going crazy when he heard Qui-Gon. The secret of who he is killing will come out shortly – bodies everywhere! Say, has anyone seen Padawan Terzah recently? What a wonderful gift for Siri to give to Obi-Wan -- offering him her tears until he could finally let go and cry his own. Siri's heart wasn't the only one breaking -- mine was aching for Obi-Wan as well. I'm glad that she could be there to comfort and support him when he really needed help. Siri is a woman who sees her own tears as a weakness – but she’s finding plenty as she deals with Obi-Wan. She’ll find plenty more, and what’s more, she realizes how unlike her all her tears are. Between her tears, common sense practicality – and yes, sharp tongue – she’ll get through to Obi-Wan far faster than anyone else could. Tough love and a kick of reality is just what the doctor ordered. Siri is just what Obi-Wan needs – and to a certain extent, Anakin. When she’s present, she sees the emotional turmoil of an Anakin too caught up in his emotions to stop and think – and is able to smack a sense of reality into him that Obi-Wan couldn’t, because Anakin either hid those emotions from or was physically separate from Obi-Wan when that brake was needed. You’ll see that in this chapter. Poor Anakin – in canon he needed that other person to both be there and to make him face reality before jumping into action. Veloz: Cant be easy for Anakin to see the cool and collected Obi-Wan like that. Rather devastating for Anakin – good thing Ventress wasn’t nearby or he’d pull a Tusken massacre on her. come on Siri, u know u wanna have a look. Why, whatever do you mean? Maybe, just maybe…she’ll get her chance…one never knows. It may just be that I want to postpone her first real sight of at least a partially unclothed Obi until her reaction to his lingering scarring is appropriate for that part of the story, as well. i really hope this is a step forward for Obi-Wan to start to get back to his usual self... and well, maybe a step towards Siri too. Yes, he’s hit bottom. As for Siri – just keep reading. You might like – or not – what’ll be coming up later on. Jedidas3: I may know what's coming, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm still on the edge of my seat. This entire scene was so powerful. It makes me want to weep with Obi. Your suggestion was that I include more of what they were feeling rather than concentrate on what they were saying – I really didn’t add much where you suggested because I thought the dialogue spoke for itself. You think it still worked? Bastet: Is this the first time Obi-Wan has been aware of Qui-Gon talking to him? Yes. Supposedly (AoTC novelization) Qui-Gon didn’t have enough knowledge or power to directly contact any of the Jedi after death until he and Yoda finally connected in ROTS because his knowledge of the Whills was a bit incomplete and he died without much preparation. So he can’t reach Obi because of his lack of strength and because Obi’s not listening and reaching back – but that close to insanity (or death, only Obi’s not dying), the wall between the living and the dead thins. I'm glad Obi was finally able to let go of some of his emotions and cry a little. I felt bad for Anakin, though, witnessing his normally-stoic master break down like that. Cry a little? Try emotional breakdown. It’s funny how on one hand I get the feeling that some readers think Obi-Wan needs to show emotion in front of Anakin, then when he does, others think it wasn’t good for Anakin to see his emotions. <Scratch head moment.> I really think witnessing this was good for Anakin – it reinforces his growing knowledge that Obi-Wan is a real human being with real emotions under his serene exterior. He won’t be so quick to dismiss his master as someone who “doesn’t understand.” Unfortunately, too little too late, but there is now a possibility that Anakin may never take that final step to Vader. He can’t undo the Tusken massacre that was his first step. Killing Dooku is a future event, if events in this story don’t play out differently in the future. In this story he will confront Ventress – that may be a step towards Vader – or away. You’ll just have to stay tuned. Raptor517: Another emotional-heart-tugging post! How do you keep churning these out? Umm, don’t know? Actually, I guess I channel some of my own repressed personality by “letting it hang out” in my stories. Writing is an outlet. Magier: This last post tore me apart. I love how Siri could allow him to cry and could cry with him, but that Anakin couldn't handle seeing Obi-Wan cry.. More than anything, it shows how Siri will endure anything she thinks is necessary for Obi-Wan (as we’ll see a bit later, too), but how Anakin hasn’t reached that level yet. Anakin wants to fix things, make them better – now! So if he is able to stop Obi-Wan’s tears he’s accomplished two things: made Obi-Wan better (uh huh) and made Obi-Wan closer to the man he is familiar with. I am afraid that this is only going to push those involved to look for answers. You might be surprised who pushes and why – and what those answers are. Not this next chapter though, but it starts with the one after. Darth_Teacher: I really related to the "I want you to leave, but stay forever" scene. Reminded me of myself through some rough patches. Probably all of us – you want anything but to talk about whatever bothers you while at the same time you wish desperately someone, anyone, would ignore what you’re saying and clue in on what you are afraid to voice…yup, been there. ObiWans_Gurl86 I believe after 7 chapters we can pronounce Obi-Wan over the worst and well on his way to normalcy. He’ll have moments here and there (who wouldn’t after everything), but he will have faced and resolved what he needs to face – oh, except for Siri. That’s still a problem he’s, ah, ‘er, feeling out ( tender kiss by gentle hugs. Note to all my readers: I just have to thank all of you – each and every one – for all the feedback, suggestions, and sometimes incredible time and thought. Not only do I have a handle on pretty much the rest of the story, but I’m letting some things go that need to be let go. You’re helping me become more an author than just a writer, and you deserve a big thanks and all my gratitude. This is still my story – with plot details that will dismay some of you – but a much better one than otherwise. I lost my way for a while – I have been greatly discouraged at times – but you’ve always kept that spark alive – that determination to be better. And additional note: I got the nicest complimentary PM today from someone who read the excerpts and wanted to let me know what they thought of my style. That really made my day! And a quick note in response to tallie_tachi, the chapter past: this story exists in Word and can be emailed to any whom so request it. Question of the day: did anyone, anyone at all, pick up on the fact that I copied, word for word, some of the “ghost whispers” from Rattatak? Are we yet wondering where all these demons came from? A clue: tears of a Jedi. I almost overlooked that when I got so caught up in details, but it’ll turn out to be very important to the story. Chapter 56. A Clue Surfaces A slight commotion in the outer room brought Siri to her feet, still tightly clasping Obi-Wan’s hand. He had been too tired to speak, resting with eyes closed though shudders still shook his body from time to time. It was hard to tell what reality sheltered him, for he had been silent since his whispered request for Siri to stay. Despite her doubts and fears, Siri had been relieved beyond measure when her gentle pressure on his hand was returned with a soft caress of a finger: if nothing else, Obi-Wan knew he was safe and who was with him. Despite the questions pouring from the padawan’s lips, Neille and Cielan gently brushed off his questions and ushered Siri out of the bedroom. The door shut with a solid thud. The two Jedi looked at each and with a soft sigh and shake of his head, Anakin made another pot of tea. At his questioning look, Siri just shook her head. She didn’t know what caused that reaction anymore than the padawan did. “I should have been here,” he mumbled. He stood up and balled his fists, looking as if he wanted to kick something, anything. Instead he rubbed his eyes and let Siri pull him back down into a seat. He looked at her, then away and added softly, “He left me a message he wouldn’t be here tonight, but he didn’t give any explanation. I thought – I thought it was okay….” A virile young man like Anakin Skywalker – Siri had little doubt what the padawan had been doing and who he had been with didn’t concern her. Any number of female padawans may have caught his eye. To those who indulged in physical pleasures, he was a sought after prize, if one believed accidentally overheard gossip. “You came when he needed you…remember that, Anakin.” “This time,” he whispered and fell silent. Anakin was the first on his feet when a tired Neille came out. “What’s wrong with him?” Neille hesitated. “Other than exhaustion, nothing’s really wrong with him. Not physically. It’s an emotional reaction. After Cielan’s session with him earlier, she wanted to keep an eye on him for just this kind of reaction. She asked that he stay overnight in the Ward and he agreed. When the night duty healer checked on him, he wasn’t there. He called Cielan at almost the same time your comcall came in.” “Watch him – why? He was almost hysterical.” “Sit down, Anakin, give Neille a chance to explain.” Siri tugged Anakin down beside her. She wasn’t feeling much more charitable, but blew out her fear and frustration into the Force. Neille accepted a cup of tea from Siri and sat down. “I can’t really say more; I wasn’t present. Cielan was exploring his memories, I gather. For various reasons she shielded them from his conscious memory. Cielan will have to explain what happened. Obi-Wan is,” he hesitated, “he should be fine after a long sleep.” Should be. “No!” Siri said sharply to Anakin, noting the tenseness in his shoulders. He had picked up that same phrase. “Think about Obi-Wan.” “I am,” Anakin protested, surging to his feet once more. “You’re thinking from the wrong angle. The healers didn’t try to hurt Obi; don’t blame them. They may have hurt him, I don’t know, but if they did it was in trying to help him. Ventress is the one responsible for what Obi-Wan’s going through. Focus, Padawan. Obi-Wan needs our love and understanding; he does not need your anger even if on his behalf.” Anakin sat. “I’m upset, too, Anakin, but being upset doesn’t help your master, okay?” To the surprise of each, Neille, who had been sitting there regarding them gravely, added, “I’m upset, too, I just don’t know what to be upset at.” That just about summed up the entire situation. With remarkable control, Siri thought, Anakin jumped to his feet and without accusation, quietly asked when the door opened, “What happened – can I see him, is he okay?” “Do you want the technical explanation, or just an explanation?” Cielan looked as tired as everyone else, pulling her cloak around her nightclothes as if to ward off a chill. “First of all, let me say I’ve sedated him and he’s sleeping comfortably. He should be fine when he wakes, but that may not be for a day or so. He can stay here if someone stays with him.” “What happened?” “We all know Obi-Wan is repressing at least some of his memories until he’s ready to face them. The strain of that is putting a lot of pressure on his mind, hence the little things we’ve all noticed. For reasons I will not go into without specific consent to reveal, I was –in his mind - and sealing his mental blocks back up as I moved on.” “They didn’t stay sealed,” Neille guessed. “Didn’t you realize the risk you were taking?” “Obi-Wan accepted the risk; I suggested he – refuse permission,” Cielan said cautiously. “Patient-healer confidentiality means I cannot and will not say more than that. He should have been entirely unaware of what was happening, but to be safe, I wanted to keep an eye on him. I had him stay overnight in the Ward for observation. He must have woken confused and wandered back to his quarters – at this time of night, it’s not too surprising he didn’t encounter anyone.” “What caused - that reaction?” “The human mind is a strange thing. Those memories want out. Deep inside, Obi-Wan wants to release them, but he doesn’t know how to access them or handle them without the Force. I think his mind grasped my touch with the Force as the Force returning to him, so a few of the gates opened until another part of his mind realized it wasn’t the Force returning to him, but another being using the Force to touch his mind. In short, his mind felt violated a second time, for realize, his mind was violated while in captivity.” Violated! Siri and Anakin looked at each other as if wondering why they hadn’t ever realized just how serious. “He wouldn’t mention that, would he?” Cielan hadn’t even realized the depths of that violation herself until now. Had she known, she would never have allowed the Council’s request; Obi-Wan would never have known of it. Another piece of the puzzle was slotting into place. “We won’t know the full extent of that until he tells us, or I force him to release it. I will not do that to him unless it’s, well, necessary for his sanity.” Cielan suddenly stopped, as something registered, really registered for the first time since she’d heard it. She had heard it once; then a second time and putting that together with “violation” spurred something worth investigating. She glanced at Neille and saw that he caught her excitement, but was willing to let her keep her silence for now. Perhaps, just perhaps, she had picked up on a clue that would help solve the mystery of Obi-Wan’s erratic Force ability. Whether or not that would be sufficient to restore a tortured mind was less certain. ** As soon as the two healers left, Neille asked the question he’d been holding back. The gleam of anticipation shone in his eyes. “What did I sense you discovered in there?” “First thing in the morning let’s get Bant and all the notes together,” Cielan said, furrowing her brow. “Obi-Wan has mentioned a mask twice now, and there was – a void – in his memory when his vision seemed to go blank with horror. I couldn’t probe too deeply – he pushed me out of his mind at that point and just shut down. The Force tells me we’re on the right track – something about that mask explains his midis, at least in part.” That mask – I wear it still…that whisper would haunt her until she found an answer. “Well, hi, there,” Siri said softly as Obi-Wan’s eyes fluttered open. He had slept nearly a day and a night, with Anakin and Siri, occasionally Yoda as well, taking turns sitting with him despite the healer’s assurances that he would sleep uninterrupted. Hearing from Anakin of Obi-Wan’s continued nightmares and remembering his breakdown in her arms, Siri was vigilant to every twitch and minor movement. She had just relieved Anakin not long ago as the new day started, up far earlier than she preferred, but she would arise early without complaint to be at Obi-Wan’s side. Confused eyes blinked at her, and with a soft sigh, one of Obi-Wan’s hands came up to rub his head. “Who did I kill?” he whispered. “Don’t want – don’t want to…hurt anyone.” He closed his eyes and drifted back to sleep. I don’t want to hurt anyone. Who did I kill? What would prompt Obi-Wan to say such a thing, a Jedi who always tried his best to avoid inflicting harm whenever possible? Siri was roused from her thoughts when Yoda stopped by. “Still sleeping he is,” the little master noted. He had been looking troubled ever since hearing of Obi-Wan’s emotional breakdown, arriving right as the healers had left. “He woke for a moment and mumbled something,” Siri said, her hand lightly caressing the Jedi’s forehead. She had grown comfortable touching Obi-Wan in such little ways as this, even in front of other Jedi. The aged Jedi master’s eyes calmly appraised her, waiting silently for her to continue. She shrugged and sighed. “’I don’t want to hurt anyone’ – what would prompt him to say such a thing?” “Know that I do not.” A hint of sadness and guilt passed across the wise eyes, before Yoda added, “Expected this was not – more than we know locked inside his mind.” “Worse than – what we already know or suspect?” Her hand sought Obi-Wan’s, blindly gripping it. “Told you once I did, that driven to experience the darker emotions Obi-Wan must have been, that incomplete his release must be. Now that physically safe he is, horror of situation surfaced and turned to shock, add now shame and guilt. Buried them he did to cope, but buried they stay not. Turbulent his emotions are – add to that violation of his mind – trust in the Force I must that a good man has not been irreparably harmed by what we asked of him.” The last part of Yoda’s words slipped by Siri’s cognition. Irreparably harmed. Had Cielan told Yoda this was possible? The man crying in her arms that heart-wrenching night barely past was not the Obi-Wan Kenobi she knew, every vulnerability exposed and raw emotion pouring out. The little Jedi settled on the bed next to the sleeping Jedi and placed his hand over the two entwined hands, sending comforting waves of Force through her hand to his. “Bonds we both share with Obi-Wan,” he said softly. “Need no explanation they do – they are. Give Obi-Wan what he needs we will; ask for our help he will not but give it we shall.” Siri’s free hand reached out to caress Obi-Wan’s forehead with the brush of a finger, a kiss of a touch but not with lips. “You didn’t see him, Master Yoda, before he was sedated. I – he – it was like there was something “foreign” in his mind, battling for dominance. He seemed to be doing so well - it’s so hard to see him struggle now that he’s home and free.” “Free he is not just because home he is. Thinks this he does; know better we do. Know everything he endured we do not. Know enough we do to know that deeply scarred he is; wounds not visible he has, wounds we do not yet understand and perhaps he is unaware of as well or trying to deny. Understand he must that lack of control of his emotions is not a sign of failure, but of success – survived he has. Fighting to be free he still is, but fighting so hard unable to see that now is the time to stop fighting. Stop fighting he will when safe he feels.” “Safe – but he’s back where he belongs, with people who care about him and want to help,” Siri protested. “Safe in body only; safe yet in his mind he is not. Surrounded he is by people who want him to be who he was, so who he was he is trying to be. No longer that Obi-Wan he is. Accept who he is and he will find himself again. Support him you can, reconstruct him you cannot. That he must do himself.” ** From turmoil to calm, from tears to smiles in just days. It still amazed Siri how resilient a human mind could be, for Obi-Wan’s smile greeted Siri when she walked in just as Anakin and Bant were leaving. “Let me pour you a cup,” the Jedi offered with a dry smile as he stood and made his way to the caf pot. This had become their daily routine after just after two days. Obi-Wan refused to stay in his bed and be fussed over, but other than that he seemed content to rest quietly in his quarters. Little hint of his emotional turmoil lingered, that of just several days ago. It might never have been, but Siri had witnessed it. Traces lingered, if one looked carefully enough, though Obi-Wan had no memory of that night, or so he claimed. “You’re still having nightmares, Kenobi,” Siri gently accused, noting Obi-Wan’s red-rimmed eyes as he handed her a cup. “No, Anakin is not tattling on you, either, anyone with eyes can see it.” “Yeah, well,” Obi-Wan shrugged, running his hand through his hair. He had accepted his padawan’s and Siri’s hovering with minimal fuss, making light of their concern but unwilling to push them away as if he weren’t totally convinced there wouldn’t be a repeat episode. It was a game of pretend that fooled none of them yet kept the pretense of self-sufficiency and well-being intact. “There’s little I can do about that, it’s my subconscious still playing around at night. I’m fine otherwise.” There was no playful denial of her words this time and Obi-Wan avoided her eyes for the first time since that night. The stubborn, self-sufficient man - one who wouldn’t lighten his burden by sharing it with others. He was finally accepting the comfort of his friends – their physical presence – but not yet their emotional comfort. Siri wondered if he ever would. “I’m fine, I’m fine,” Siri mocked him, not unkindly. “You’re not fine, Obi-Wan, not if you look like this during the day. Yes, you’re doing much better, but you are not fine. Maybe you should consider telling someone –Cielan – what those nightmares are about –you’re remembering them, now, aren’t you?” Long lashes swept down to cover eyes that otherwise looked steadily at her. “What makes you say that?” “The shadows in your eyes, Kenobi.” “Oh.” He blinked and looked down, at a sudden loss for words. “You gundark,” Siri said tenderly. “Cielan says remembering is good, that you need to share them to understand them. Tell me, tell Anakin, Yoda – tell Cielan, will you.” “I can’t.” “Sure you can. You say I dream that Ventress is hurting me -.” “No.” The words were a whisper, Obi-Wan’s head shaking in denial. “No?” “No. I can’t. I don’t.” Siri raised an eyebrow. “You don’t dream about Ventress hurting you?” After a long moment’s silence where Obi-Wan merely stared at her, he finally dropped his eyes and shook his head. His words, when they came, were so soft she had to strain to hear them. “I dream that I hurt them.” “Who?” He swallowed. “Everyone. Anyone. They die, over and over.” “And you…?” He stared down into his caf cup, unable or unwilling to speak. Perhaps both. A muscle worked in his jaw as he fought to break his silence, or to maintain it. It was hard to say which. Finally the man’s desire to let the pain free overcame the Jedi’s reluctance to share the same. “I’m the one killing them.” Who did I kill this time? I don’t want to hurt anyone. Obi-Wan had whispered that, that brief first awakening after his breakdown. Tears were struggling to escape from his closed eyes. He wiped a shaking hand across his brow. “It doesn’t make any difference who they are. I kill them, over and over, but they won’t stay dead. I kill them with my hands; I kill them with the Force. They still come back to life. I kill everyone, Siri, but they won’t leave me alone.” Instinct guided by the Force told Siri to dig deeper, that as horrifying as the Jedi’s nightmares were to both him as well as to her, there was more there, a reason the nightmares reoccurred, a reason why the dead wouldn’t leave Obi-Wan alone. She deliberately spoke in a calm voice as if they were merely discussing the weather. “Who do you kill, Obi-Wan? Do you know who they are – do you see their faces?” “What difference does it make who I kill – isn’t it bad enough that I’m killing others?” “Maybe,” Siri replied calmly, ignoring the sudden spark of anger. “But maybe those you kill have a symbolic meaning and if you understand that, perhaps you’ll understand these dreams, at least in part.” Obi-Wan couldn’t deny that; he nodded curtly as Siri wrapped her hands around his in reassurance and encouragement. Sensing his reaching out to the Force, Siri sent the Force to him, subtly encouraging him to let go and speak. After a moment, his hands tightened and he sighed, closing his eyes. “Jedi. They’re Jedi, all of them.” Jedi? “What else?” His eyes flew open; anger in them – and fear. “I don’t know; what difference does it make? Isn’t the killing bad enough – do I have to know the victims as well!” “Maybe you do need to know who– so you know what. Kenobi…,” she held her breath, not daring to move no matter how much she wanted to take his face between her hands and will him to speak. He needed a push, but a light one only or she would only push him away. “Kenobi, you’ve told me this much – tell me the rest and get it out in the open, where we can face it. Together.” With a weary sigh of resignation, Obi-Wan’s shoulders slumped as he closed his eyes. After a moment, he nodded and spoke slowly as if feeling his way through the dreams. “They’re male, only males… all ages. Human males – oh, dear Force!” “Whose face?” Siri was insistent now. “Mine.” Shuddering with realization, he stared at her. “Oh, Force, I’m killing myself.” A squeak of laughter came from him suddenly. Much to Siri’s relief, Obi-Wan’s laughter did not turn into pure hysteria. For several long minutes she was sure it would – he was sure, too, it turned out – when he finally regained control. He had enough presence of mind to realize as she had that his dreams meant only that his experiences were manifesting themselves in a symbolic, rather than a literal way. This breakthrough, if it was truly one, was not as illuminating as either had hoped. It was one more clue, not the answer. ** Once again, Adi Gallia sat in Council, waiting to report on her fellow Council member. She felt slightly unclean, though ultimately the result was worthwhile, it was not without pain or repercussions in the future. She had spoken to all three of the healers; they giving her what information they had and asking in turn for a transcript of Alpha’s meeting with the Council. Adi had given them as well a copy of her report on Sith torture techniques and devices, feeling the healers had as much need of that as she had need of their information. She had also spent time with her padawan. Siri had needed to talk after Obi-Wan’s breakdown, and so Adi had listened: of how Obi-Wan seemed to be getting better, but still suffered from nightmares and flashbacks. Of his utter loss of control, and how he had clung to her as an anchor in an emotional storm. Now Adi was full of conflicting emotions – of shame and guilt, if not deceit. There was no doubt in her mind that she had been the one to precipitate that reaction, by being the voice of the Council. As bad as that was, now she felt like she was betraying her padawan’s trust. Siri had come to her as a padawan to a master, now Adi took some of that information and would pass it to the Council by incorporating it into her report. That information only confirmed Cielan’s conclusion. It was for Obi-Wan, Adi had to remember. It was to lie to rest valid concerns and to assure a good man’s future. But no matter the good intentions, the means left a dirty taste in her mouth. Only her padawan’s forgiveness and the Force’s, as well, would help to heal that. The full report had been provided to the Council; it was time to summarize the conclusion. “I, the healers as well, we are confident that though Master Kenobi is scarred by his ordeal, he is no more tainted by it than any Jedi who has passed through an ordeal of touching the dark side. Master Yoda admits his brush with it – more than once I believe, Master Windu as well.” Both nodded in agreement at her words. “I admit that I have freely taken advantage of my padawan’s friendship with Master Kenobi – without her knowledge – to back up this assertion. I hope she will forgive me when I ask her forgiveness, as will Master Kenobi himself. No, not hope for I know both will forgive us – and I fear that makes both of them better beings and better Jedi than the rest of us sitting here in judgment.” “Did what must be done you did,” Yoda murmured. “Continue you will.” Yoda was reminding her that she had volunteered to be the liaison between the Council and the healers regarding Obi-Wan. Once the issue had been brought up in Council, once the doubts were on the record, and once she recognized that Council could not be persuaded to postpone discussion of the issue, Adi had volunteered, for she would exercise her duty with tact and discretion, and with as little invasion of personal privacy as possible. In time of war a Jedi’s loyalty could not be in doubt. “I have already said a victim of Sith torture, pushed far enough, loses the ability to distinguish between what is right and what is wrong and is forever lost. “Master Kenobi still has the capacity to distinguish light from dark. His very struggle is towards the light, a light that continues to shine despite the darkness he endured – and endure he did. He is struggling to hold onto something he never lost. He has only lost the ability to recognize the difference between what is within him and what was nearly imposed upon him. “Obi-Wan Kenobi fears he is not the Jedi he has striven all his life to be – that he continually proves himself to be. Because of his reactions to his ordeal, he sees himself slipping away from his teachings and the further he thinks he slips, the more he proves what he values above all else by struggling to hold on. “In the midst of his struggles, he still reaches out to others – to the smallest of the small, to the most broken of the broken. In his self-doubts he proves his loyalties. Not only is Obi-Wan Kenobi more than worthy to remain a member of this Council, but he is perhaps more worthy than many of us. He would disagree; to him his very struggles are proof of his lack of fitness. To us, his very struggles prove the opposite.” Yoda grunted. “Unfit indeed, thinks this he does. Persuade him otherwise we shall. Remain on this Council he will.” This time, not one member objected. -----signature----- http://boards.theforce.net/fan_fiction_resource/b10304/25405090/p3/?52 Prolific Author thread: list & links there. Muse fueled by coffee. Often AWOL despite frequent sipping. Writes on inspiration, not a schedule. I'm a writer, not a storyteller.
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Gkilkenny Registered: Mar '04	Date Posted: 7/9 3:22am Subject: RE: What the Heart Hides. Drama, h/c. Siriwan, Ani. 0709 One Demon is Named. Thanks for noms!
	Ah, one by one the council members are coming around to seeing Obi-Wan as a surviver. Maybe Obi-Wan feels it was his own fault for being caught, he has to forgive him self for being human. wonderful -----signature----- Padawan to p_stotts Peace over anger - honour over hate - Strength over fear. Links to Stories in my Bio. Obi-Wan forever.
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Lolly_Tolly Registered: Apr '08	Date Posted: 7/9 3:23am Subject: RE: What the Heart Hides. Drama, h/c. Siriwan, Ani. 0709 One Demon is Named. Thanks for noms!
	Yeah! You tell 'em, Adi! Wonderful update. Sorry for not replying last time... I did read it, just ran out of time. Thanks for the PM! -----signature----- Proud to be Padawan of ZaraValinor! Siriwan shipper! Rise and Fall - (Good character bad) ROTS AU http://boards.theforce.net/Message.aspx?topic=28470791&brd=10476&start=28584936 Remember Stressed backwards, is DESSERTS!
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Darth_Teacher Registered: Jun '08	Date Posted: 7/9 5:19am Subject: RE: What the Heart Hides. Drama, h/c. Siriwan, Ani. 0709 One Demon is Named. Thanks for noms!
	Exquisitely done, once again! The scene that particularly presented me with food for thought was the one in which Obi discovers he's killing himself over and over again. In my clinical psychology studies it is described as a very common occurrence with strong, driven but guilt ridden individuals... hmmmm.... ring any bells?! . Also a very good hommage to the cave scene with Luke in Dagobah. Superb! -----signature----- I have a bad feeling about this... You smell like... bantha poodoo! Nono, like the innards of a frikkin tauntaun! Nono, you smell liiiike... A JABBA FART!
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jedidas3 Registered: Apr '07	Date Posted: 7/9 5:39am Subject: RE: What the Heart Hides. Drama, h/c. Siriwan, Ani. 0709 One Demon is Named. Thanks for noms!
	Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! This chapter was exquisite. It just keeps getting better and better. As for your previous question, I think that what you did worked exceptionally well. Great job with this and I can't wait for more. You know me, I can't get enough Obi angst and I definitely can't get enough of Obi and Siri. -----signature----- The Past Revisited http://boards.theforce.net/the_saga/b10476/28440949 Lessons Learned http://boards.theforce.net/the_saga/b10476/28580784 Remembrance http://boards.theforce.net/before_the_saga/b10475/28009025 Padawan to dianethx
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