Jedi Council Forums - Where Did It All Go Wrong? (A New Dope) - Humor/Diaries; Obi/Vader; FINITO and apologies!

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Author	Topic: Where Did It All Go Wrong? (A New Dope) - Humor/Diaries; Obi/Vader; FINITO and apologies!
cdmcc Registered: Apr '05	Date Posted: 2/6/07 12:41pm Subject: Where Did It All Go Wrong? (A New Dope) - Humor/Diaries; Obi/Vader; FINITO and apologies! - Date Edited: 1/19/08 8:18pm (10 edits total) Edited By: cdmcc
	Title: Where Did It All Go Wrong? Author: cdmcc Characters: Obi-Wan and Anakin etc Genre: Humour/Diary Format Timeframe: Pre ANH and onwards Description: Follow up to 'Hairdressers of the Force', 'In The Lair Of The Gilded Lilly', 'For Whom The Bell Pings' & 'From Here To Over There'. Now it's the OT through the diaries of our heroes.... Hairdressers Gilded Lily Pings Over There Disclaimer: The usual Oh, and a lollipop man is the equivalent of a crossing guard....... Monday From Obi-Wan's Diary I started work on my autobiography today. That's how bored I am. I was never one for the bright lights, but this place is as dull as dishwater. I spent four and a half hours on the opening line and I'm still not happy about it. That's as far as I got. Did a bit of a clean, the place was looking a bit shabby and one must keep up appearances, even if one is stuck in the wilderness with no company. Thanks for that Skywalker. Perhaps I should have taken that little two bedroom hovel in town, but the rent was astronomical. As it stands I pay the grand sum of ten potatoes a month for the pleasure of living in a mud hut with one window. Empire update: Helmet head was on the holo again. All he does is stride about purposefully. I'm positive he can't see properly. Mind you, I did leather him all those years ago. Served him right. It is his life day today and I thought of sending him a card but couldn't be bothered. His performance last year when he went on the holo and offered to fight me in a ring in Coruscant during prime time was degrading. I won't go into the threats to my various body parts. Juvenile. I think I shall go into town tomorrow for the weekly shop and a tipple at the local. Given the fact that my local is approximately 42.7 miles away, it's a good job I don't have an alcohol problem. A jawa came round today trying to sell me a droid. I was that desperate for company I grabbed him in and made him a cup of tea and a scone. Couldn't understand a word he was saying, but he seemed a pleasant fellow, if a bit whiffy. To top it all off, after he had gone I realized I was out of air freshener. I spotted that brat of a teenager (are there any other kind? Maybe it's in the water here) with the big head that Luke hangs about with while I was out gardening. I'm sure he was the one that egged my house last month. I shall investigate this and tear him a new one if I get some hard evidence. On the bright side of life, I haven't spoken to Qui-Gon for precisely five years now. Which is a relief. I think he took the huff when I beat him at scrabble. Between that and the fact that the local post office on Dagobah has closed, I'm one happy bunny. I caught sight of my reflection in the tinfoil holder for my nerf dinner-for-one (utterly appalling – I'm confused as to which 'one' the manufacturer is aiming this particular piece of trash at. Memo to self, write letter complaining about food). Anyway, I really have gone quite white now. It gives me an air of quiet dignity. From Vader's Diary Boring, boring, boring. Had a migraine today which lasted hours. Couldn't get the top off the asprin. Damn these gloves! Went to inspect the new recruits. What a rabble. The standards are definitely dropping alright. One of them is apparently allergic to me and promptly sneezed all over my good suit. I got his application form and ticked Kessel in the 'Preferences For Station' box. Tarkin and Palpy were in conference all day. I'm sure they talk about me. There's a problem with the hyperdrive on my ship. We're going slower than Kenobi on an exercise bike. Speaking of Kenobi, the usual round of spy reports came in. I'm paying these morons a fortune and they can't find the lowlife. What a coward though. He chops me up and won't even show for a rematch. I've tried everything. I really thought that advert on the holo would have worked. I still have it on tape somewhere, I really should clean my quarters. Or get bigger ones. You could fit a star destroyer in Tarkins' quarters. On another note, I believe it was my (old) life day today. I wonder what I would have got. Tuesday From Obi-Wan's Diary Got up early. In fact I never went to bed. Went into town and got my shopping for the month. Talk about inflation. They were out of air freshener as well. My finances are a slight source of worry to me, considering I don't have any. I don't trust myself with credit cards after I went a bit mad with that store card seven years ago. Six months of being a lollipop man was enough to test anyone's patience. It did pay for my folly mind you – I don't think I wore more than two pairs of the hundred and fifty shoes I had purchased. It is so difficult to find anything remotely worthwhile in a size 9 here. Stopped off at the local. Dear me, the place was rammed. Does anyone do any work around here? Half two in the afternoon and I couldn't even get my favorite seat. I read the papers and had a fair to middling lunch which quickly dive bombed into an awful one when I found something crawling in the salad. Arthur, the well meaning dolt who owns the place was most apologetic. I informed him that his apology was hardly sufficient and demanded a freebie. Went home. Was in the middle of a nap when two sandpeople came to the door. Really, this is too much. They're round every two days trying to convert me. Their technique leaves a lot to be desired. It consists entirely of waving a stick in the air and making a donkey sound. On a whim I had purchased some hair dye. I thought that if I restored myself to my natural glory it would help with the autobiography. Unfortunately I had picked up the wrong color. After three hours of sheer torture I unwrapped the towel from my head to find myself with a blue rinse. To top it all of the beard dye came out jet black. I now look like a walking bruise. Made up for the disappointment by concocting myself a delightful dinner. I sat and read a book called, 'The History Of Our Glorious Empire'. Pressurized hack work and totally inaccurate. It's the last time I get a pop-up book, the page with a beaming Palpatine almost took my eye out it was that big. He's an absolute megalomaniac. If I had dealt with him instead of the letting the frog have a go, he would have been smiling on the other side of his pop-up face. From Vader's Diary The hyperdrive completely failed today. I got upset and Force choked a technician. I'm getting good at it now. As we were static, I decided to shred some of my old documents. You can't be too careful. Anyway, I was looking through my pay slips – I've not had a raise in thirteen years! On top of that he's only gone and placed me just over the threshold for 'You're earning too much for doing too little' tax, which means a further whopping 15% going bye bye. If only the Sith had a Union. Pretty difficult when there's only two of you though, and I think we can guess who'd win the negotiating. Speaking of negotiating, while I was rummaging I found a dreadful picture of the goat who ruined my life. He had signed it, “To Ruby, all the best from the negotiator. XX.” Who is Ruby? And why do I have this picture? I chucked it up on a holo auction site. It's not moved from half a credit in ten hours, and there are losers who spend all day bidding on this junk. I noticed an Anakin Skywalker glove went for two thousand last week, although I don't recall wearing an elbow length pink silk glove with fur trim. Would have been rather impractical. I really need to get a new suit. The helmet especially is a total let down. It's just not me, so dull! I need to be feared, not commented harshly upon. I did ensure that '50 worst dressed people in the galaxy' column will never again have me in all of the top ten positions. This is the problem with being half mechanical – no respect. I expect to rust when it rains, given the fact that it was a botched job in the first place. It only took those stupid med-droids two months to work out they had put my leg on back to front. No wonder I was walking funny. Come to think of it, this really isn't how I expected to be seeing in my middle years. When I was young I was able to go to the fresher without it taking a week. I got that sorted, but even then I had to fight for that droid. Palpy, oh sorry, His Most Wonderful Emperor Of The Entire Galaxy, Bar None (as I have to call him) isn't one for upgrading. If it was up to him we'd all be riding about on banthas, throwing rubble at each other. A natural distrust for all things technical, that man. You should have seen his face when he found out the Death Star was real. He was sure it was an April Fool. Moron. Oh well, time for my bath. By the time I get out it will be Wednesday - due to the fact that I need to wear the suit. Palpatine and his insurance policies. Wednesday From Obi-Wan's Diary I often wonder about Leia, Padmé and Anakin's child. Poor cow, she doesn't stand a chance with that lunatic Organa. I read somewhere that every citizen of Alderaan has to follow his fashion lead which should make for a horror planet if ever there was one. What is it with royalty? Qui-Gon called them inbreds and I suspect he was onto something. Organa was on the holo the other week when I was in the local. I say he was on the holo, but all I could make out was a large crushed velvet pair of green hipsters and a pink ruffled shirt. I'm sure he wears a corset. He was complaining about everything under the sun that the Emperor was doing. Well, I mean how stupid is that? He's a Sith, rules the galaxy and hates your guts and you're on complaining about the rise in parking fines for Senators? As for Luke, well, let's just say he's his Father's son and leave it at that. On second thoughts, no. I've been holding this back for a while now and there's no easy way to say it. The boy is as thick as a bantha omelette. It did faze me when I caught him licking the railings. That would be bad enough but he was twelve at the time. He had a pet once, Force alone knows what it was, some weird thing that wasn't suppose to be domesticated anyway. Naturally enough, the pet died. Given that it shared a hovel with the Skywalkers, I think it got off lightly. I caught him walking it about two months later. Or dragging it as it was. He was his naturally cheery self as he advised me that he had changed it's name from 'Fluffy' to 'Stumpy'. Speaking of the Skywalkers, the walking bore that is Owen remains to this day a particularly moany thorn in my flesh. You know, I don't think that man washes. You can smell him a mile away. As for Beru, she's on about ten of those blue pills they tranquilize farm animals with. I saw her picking up a prescription once and they must have been wearing off because she directed a volley of language at me which was quite astounding. When she pops them though, she walks about all day in a trance. I'd have been better with the girl and given Luke to Yoda, although what a thought. The two of them on a planet together with no other company. From Vader's Diary Palpy called me today in a foul mood. Some mad Bothans have legged it with the plans to the Death Star. If I've told him once about leaving things lying around, I've told him a thousand times. Does he listen to me? Me, a mere humble servant who would gladly rip his head off at the blink of an eye? Anyway, he wants me to clear the mess up. That's right, that's all I'm good for, isn't it you wrinkly old wimp? Well, I turned the tables, several large tables as it happens. I got a raise and a ship that actually goes somewhere. Change the name and it's like working for the Jedi Council again. On the bright side, Tarkin (who is sooooo jealous of me) is only a pay grade above me now. And I don't need to bow to him either. Anyway, action again! The smell of the chase is fresh. Well, at least that's what my sensors tell me. I will crush the rebellion and be a super duper hero again. -----signature----- I, for one, do not think the problem was that the band was down.I think that the problem may have been that there was a Stonehenge monument on the stage that was in danger of being crushed by a dwarf.
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General_Kenobi_66 Registered: Oct '06	Date Posted: 2/6/07 12:47pm Subject: RE: Where Did It All Go Wrong? - Humor/Diaries; Obi/Vader; Pre ANH - First Post 06.02.07 - Date Edited: 2/6/07 6:03pm (3 edits total) Edited By: General_Kenobi_66
	Edited because I had to get off in the middle of this reply, and because I can't spell Yay, a new one I just recently read the other four, and I loved all of them, and now this Had a migraine today which lasted hours. Couldn't get the top off the asprin. Damn these gloves! I loved that Somehow I could just picture him trying to get the top off an Asprin bottle On the bright side of life, I haven't spoken to Qui-Gon for precisely five years now. Which is a relief. I think he too the huff when I beat him at scrabble. Between that and the fact that the local post office on Dagobah has closed, I'm one happy bunny. Scrabble... Local post office... Hilarious! We're going slower than Kenobi on an exercise bike. And that's definitely saying something! Unfortunately I had picked up the wrong color. After three hours of sheer torture I unwrapped my head from the towel to find myself with a blue rinse. To top it all of the beard dye came out jet black. I now look like a walking bruise. Sounds like he's reliving his hairdressing days Made up for the disappointment by concocting myself a delightful dinner. I sat and read a book called, 'The History Of Our Glorious Empire'. Pressurized hack work and totally inaccurate. It's the last time I get a pop-up book, the page with a beaming Palpatine almost took my eye out it was that big. He's an absolute megalomaniac. If I had dealt with him instead of the letting the frog have a go, he would have been smiling on the other side of his pop-up face. Pop up book Man, I'm awed by your work once again Definitely looking forward to more If you have a PM list, could I be added? -----signature----- Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
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Ascal_Elessar Registered: Feb '04	Date Posted: 2/6/07 12:55pm Subject: RE: Where Did It All Go Wrong? - Humor/Diaries; Obi/Vader; Pre ANH - First Post 06.02.07
	Oh well, time for my bath. By the time I get out it will be Wednesday. That was hilarious, can't wait for more. I was hoping you'd write an OT one. Is there a PM list? -----signature----- "HELLO THERE!" Member of the Obi-Wan Kenobi Fan Club "He's like fire and ice and rage. He's like the night and the storm and the heart of the sun. He's ancient and forever, he burns at the centre of time and he can see the turn of the universe."
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Jade_Pilot Registered: Dec '05	Date Posted: 2/6/07 1:55pm Subject: RE: Where Did It All Go Wrong? - Humor/Diaries; Obi/Vader; Pre ANH - First Post 06.02.07
	...wait let me catch my breath! I'm SO glad you decided to do this! I haven't laughed so hard since.....your last diary series! Loved the two Tuskens trying to convert Obi! Spit my drink moment: "Helmet head was on the holo again" Hooray!!! More diary entries to look forward to! If you've got a PM list please add me to it. Thanks. Bravo! -----signature----- I'm so adjective I verb noun.
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VA_Parky Registered: Aug '05	Date Posted: 2/6/07 3:59pm Subject: RE: Where Did It All Go Wrong? - Humor/Diaries; Obi/Vader; Pre ANH - First Post 06.02.07
	Oooooooooh! Obi-wan thought he was happy the day the Dagobah post office closed? Well, that's NOTHING compared to how I felt when I saw you had posted this, my friend! I LOVE these diaries and you know what? This may have been the best start yet! It's awesome how bored Vader is - his snippy little comments are hilarious. I suppose being a Sith isn't all it's cracked up to be, huh? Especially loved his nickname for our beloved Emperor. I think I must have read it about four or five times before I could continue on. Heeeeeeeeeeeee! This part almost caused me to fall off my chair: Went home. Was in the middle of a nap when two sandpeople came to the door. Really, this is too much. They're round every two days trying to convert me. Their technique leaves a lot to be desired. It consists entirely of waving a stick in the air and making a donkey sound. On a whim I had purchased some hair dye. I thought that if I restored myself to my natural glory it would help with the autobiography. Unfortunately I had picked up the wrong color. After three hours of sheer torture I unwrapped the towel from my head to find myself with a blue rinse. To top it all of the beard dye came out jet black. I now look like a walking bruise. Oh, cdmcc - I'm so glad you decided to continue this. I LOVE your writing - I'm addicted, honestly! Between Obi-wan and Anakin... I don't know who's funnier - I love both of the POV's. I'm already anticipating their showdown. rubs hands together This is gonna be GOOD! -----signature----- Currently on hiatus Awash in Broken Promises (RotS AU): http://boards.theforce.net/the_saga/b10476/23913704/p1/ Our 1st - Matthew - arrived 1/1/08
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VaderLVR64 Title: Manager Emeritus Registered: Feb '04	Date Posted: 2/6/07 4:32pm Subject: RE: Where Did It All Go Wrong? - Humor/Diaries; Obi/Vader; Pre ANH - First Post 06.02.07
	You're in trouble! I am pretty sure I told you to PM me if you did any more stories in this series. I feel unloved. You can make it up to me by putting me on the PM list for this one. Now. Boring, boring, boring. Had a migraine today which lasted hours. Couldn't get the top off the asprin. Damn these gloves! Went to inspect the new recruits. What a rabble. The standards are definitely dropping alright. One of them is apparently allergic to me and promptly sneezed all over my good suit. I got his application form and ticked Kessel in the 'Preferences For Station' box. Tarkin and Palpy were in conference all day. I'm sure they talk about me. There's a problem with the hyperdrive on my ship. We're going slower than Kenobi on an exercise bike. Speaking of Kenobi, the usual round of spy reports came in. I'm paying these morons a fortune and they can't find the lowlife. What a coward though. He chops me up and won't even show for a rematch. I've tried everything. I really thought that advert on the holo would have worked. I still have it on tape somewhere, I really should clean my quarters. Or get bigger ones. You could fit a star destroyer in Tarkins' quarters. On another note, I believe it was my (old) life day today. I wonder what I would have got. -----signature----- R.I.P John, Alex, Jason, and Christian Never forgotten Soldiers' Angels http://soldiersangels.org/ 2114 soldiers waiting for someone to care
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Valairy_Scot Registered: Sep '05	Date Posted: 2/6/07 8:57pm Subject: RE: Where Did It All Go Wrong? - Humor/Diaries; Obi/Vader; Pre ANH - First Post 06.02.07
	As we were static, I decided to shred some of my old documents. You can't be too careful. Anyway, I was looking through my pay slips – I've not had a raise in thirteen years! On top of that he's only gone and placed me just over the threshold for 'You're earning too much for doing too little' tax, which means a further whopping 15% going bye bye. If only the Sith had a Union. Pretty difficult when there's only two of you though, and I think we can guess who'd win the negotiating. Speaking of negotiating, while I was rummaging I found a dreadful picture of the goat who ruined my life. He had signed it, “To Ruby, all the best from the negotiator. XX.” Who is Ruby? And why do I have this picture? I chucked it up on a holo auction site. It's not moved from half a credit in ten hours, and there are losers who spend all day bidding on this junk. I noticed an Anakin Skywalker glove went for two thousand last week, although I don't recall wearing an elbow length pink silk glove with fur trim. Would have been rather impractical. I really need to get a new suit. The helmet especially is a total let down. It's just not me, so dull! I need to be feared, not commented harshly upon. I did ensure that '50 worst dressed people in the galaxy' column will never again have me in all of the top ten positions. This is the problem with being half mechanical – no respect. I expect to rust when it rains, given the fact that it was a botched job in the first place. It only took those stupid med-droids two months to work out they had put my leg on back to front. No wonder I was walking funny. I almost quoted the whole thing back to you! YOu'd better be adding me to the PM list for this one! Just threatening. -----signature----- http://boards.theforce.net/fan_fiction_resource/b10304/25405090/p3/?52 Prolific Author thread: list & links there. Muse fueled by coffee. Often AWOL despite frequent sipping. Writes on inspiration, not a schedule. 2007-2008 the quality years
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LuvEwan Registered: Mar '02	Date Posted: 2/6/07 9:30pm Subject: RE: Where Did It All Go Wrong? - Humor/Diaries; Obi/Vader; Pre ANH - First Post 06.02.07
	I started work on my autobiography today. That's how bored I am. Best first lines, ever! I loved Palpatine's title, especially the 'Bar None' and the Jawas trying to convert Obi-Wan. Great start! -----signature----- What Light Breaks-AU Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon Anakin angst (collaboration with Spiritweaver) http://boards.theforce.net/the_saga/b10476/29979222/p1/?0 You want an Obi-Wan epic? We've got it right here.
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AnakinsFavorite Registered: Apr '06	Date Posted: 2/7/07 11:11am Subject: RE: Where Did It All Go Wrong? - Humor/Diaries; Obi/Vader; Pre ANH - First Post 06.02.07
	As it stands I pay the grand sum of ten potatoes a month for the pleasure of living in a mud hut with one window. Snorts I can see the rent collector already asking for his potatoes… falls over laughing Helmut head???! I think I shall go into town tomorrow for the weekly shop and a tipple at the local. Given the fact that my local is approximately 42.7 miles away, it's a good job I don't have an alcohol problem. Falls out of chair And the Jawa! Too funny! Went to inspect the new recruits. What a rabble. The standards are definitely dropping alright. One of them is apparently allergic to me and promptly sneezed all over my good suit. I got his application form and ticked Kessel in the 'Preferences For Station' box. Tarkin and Palpy were in conference all day. I'm sure they talk about me. Awww… you’re just being paranoid! On a whim I had purchased some hair dye. I thought that if I restored myself to my natural glory it would help with the autobiography. snorts Natural glory… you wish! It's the last time I get a pop-up book, the page with a beaming Palpatine almost took my eye out it was that big. giggles And where can I find a copy of this book at? The hyperdrive completely failed today. I got upset and Force choked a technician. I'm getting good at it now. I’m sure… but is that something to be really bragging about? The boy is as thick as a bantha omelette. It did faze me when I caught him licking the railings. Starts sobbing You’re killing me here! Of course I want to be on your list- I don’t want to miss a post! AF -----signature----- "I want not fame, beauty, love, or money- all I desire is to make a difference and be remembered for it. Life demands this of me, and I am its humble servant." ~Me
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jasonnels Registered: Sep '06	Date Posted: 2/15/07 2:09pm Subject: RE: Where Did It All Go Wrong? - Humor/Diaries; Obi/Vader; Pre ANH - First Post 06.02.07
	Man, this is great! I love these diary things that you do. Please keep me on the PM list!
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rocketscientist Registered: Nov '05	Date Posted: 2/15/07 7:37pm Subject: RE: Where Did It All Go Wrong? - Humor/Diaries; Obi/Vader; Pre ANH - First Post 06.02.07
	Ok - I spent a couple of hours reading the ones before this and just about wet my pants twice. Yoda playing Charades completely did me in! Are you doing PMs for this? I'd love to be on the list if you are. -----signature----- I write to find out why I’m writing what I’m writing. M.J. Harrison WIP - Doppelgänger - http://boards.theforce.net/Message.aspx?topic=24328635&brd=1 my fan art- http://boards.theforce.net/fan_art/b10020/25738915/p1
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cdmcc Registered: Apr '05	Date Posted: 2/16/07 8:01am Subject: RE: Where Did It All Go Wrong? - Humor/Diaries; Obi/Vader; Pre ANH - First Post 06.02.07 - Date Edited: 6/28/07 4:18am (1 edits total) Edited By: cdmcc
	General_Kenobi_66- Thanks for a wonderful response. . Ascal - I'm glad you like. Consider yourself on! Jade - I didn't take much in the way of convincing, did I? Parky - I thought you might like it! Vadey - Apologies for the lack of the PM. That minor technical issue has been resolved via some Force chokes. And get Dear Master back on the go! Valairy - I respond well to threats LuvEwan - Thanks! Nice to see you around again (mainly due to my lazy attitude to life) AnakinsFavorite - Thankyou for the great review. Hope you like the rest of it. jasonnels - Glad you like it! Thanks! rocketscientist - I really should have put them all together, shouldn't I? It's a bit tricky hopping from one to another. Good job there's hardly any continuity Thursday From Obi-Wan's Diary Made a decision to paint the house. I'll need to get a ladder mind you, and some paint. I'll do it next week. It's the rainy season at present which lasts for an hour. These people don't know they are born. I'd like to see them on Kamino. Have come to the inevitable conclusion that I may well see my last days here. What a place to go, me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, the only Jedi worth his salt, left to rot on Tatooine because his Padawan broke every rule in the book getting frisky with a walking wardrobe and the Council had only one brain cell to bounce between them. It is quite depressing. I should be billeted in a comfy apartment on Coruscant, amassing a ludicrous pension and sipping cocktails on a roof terrace. Even the AgriCorps would have been better than this. Attempted to meditate although that skill seems to have left me now. I find it rather boring although the ability to go into a trance for a week would be handy on this planet. Truth be told, I always cheated a lot and just pretended to do it when Anakin was annoying me, which was most of my life really. I put it down to the abysmal training I myself had, which included such brilliant innovations as 'The Drinks Dispenser' and the 'Get My Dinner NOW!' moves. I call it indentured service. I suppose I rocked the Jedi boat a bit with Anakin in terms of treating him like a human. Mind you, that didn't half fail as well. I should keep that part out of my autobiography and focus on slandering as many people as possible. Speaking of which I managed a large chapter on Mundi last night. Oh well, at least it's soaps night tonight on the holo. I'll make a start on the Windu chapter afterwards although I may run out of paper. From Vader's Diary Had a look through the files of those suspected of being anti-Emperor. Took me seven and a half hours. He's really, really paranoid now, there were even two dogs profiled in it. One of them, a beagle called Mitzi, was accused of fostering Jedi sympathies. At least it got its day in court. The largest parts were on Organa, unsurprisingly. What a boring man. There must be something lurking under the surface. I've seen these so-called peaceful societies. When the sun sets they go mad. It's a sham. Given the quality of the people at the helm, I'm astonished that the Rebellion has lasted so long. It almost reminds me of the Jedi Council. It was oaf central there as well. The new ship is just super, it's fast and I'm in control. I'm at a bit of a loss as to find the plans though. I've got the staff photocopying some leaflets I wrote. Reward 10,000 credits for return of stolen plans, last seen in the vicinity of the Emperor's shaving kit. Return them or die. D.Vader PO Box 234252 Coruscant It was a good idea but one wag had changed it to say, 'Answers to the name Fifi'. I must take steps to halt such disgraceful behavior. As commander, I must set an example. I think I'll confiscate the ping-pong table. That will show them who's boss. Speaking of which, another super Tarkin idea has arrived. Something called yearly staff appraisals. As if I don't have enough to do, I've got to fill out endless forms. What's wrong with promoting the ones who aren't imbeciles? There's about two thousand men on this ship, how am I going to get through that? By the time I finish I'll have to start again. I started looking through his new proposals but it's mindless drivel straight from the mind of a buffoon. What exactly is 'family friendly working hours'? You couldn't make it up! I've only made one suggestion in all my time here - more female workers. Tarkin had the audacity to call me a pervert! If it hadn't been in front of Palpy I would not be responsible for my actions. As it was, I got one of my men to substitute the really rough Imperial issue stuff for his silky toilet paper in the hatchet faced gits fresher. The drinks dispenser outside my quarters is playing up. If there's one thing I can't abide (apart from Kenobi) it's cold caf. It's like drinking warm mud. I had to take my helmet of for it as well, and it was my last credit. I choked a technician for that. Friday From Obi-Wan's Diary Something is afoot. I can smell it in the air and this time it's not that nice Jawa family who moved into the nearest hovel. Although they do come round quite often to borrow a cup of sugar. At least I suspect it's sugar although he does always seem a bit disappointed when he leaves. No, this time the Force is telling me to stand ready. Why can't it leave me alone? I'm an old man for pity's sake. Haven't I done enough to be allowed to retire gracefully. If I'm being honest, I did hope that the Emperor would croak it without me having to train the boy. How old is that old wretch anyway? I'll need a ship as well at some stage, although I don't know how I'll afford it. I've been skint ever since the House of Organa cut my credit line with no explanation three months after I got here. That was a shock. I couldn't pay the window cleaner and my name became dirt. Oh well, I suppose I better get on with it. Where did I put that lightsaber? From Vader's Diary The posters worked! We've got a tip off that the rebellion has got the plans, although they are completely thick and won't be able to make head nor tail of them. It appears that they are winging their way to the greasy mitts of Organa. I knew it! The men are complaining about the ping-pong table so I confiscated the last two shuttlecocks as well. That will teach them. I have called red alert, which was quite exciting. Everything is a nice shade of Sith now. I think the last time I saw action was when we were called back to Coruscant by a hysterical Palpy. We must have broke all records in getting there only to find it was a spider in the bath. I was well hyped up for a rumble as well. Tarkin phoned four times. I just let it go onto the answering droid. He was getting a bit hysterical, and resorted to threats. Just because he came up with the idea of the Death Star he gets to do whatever he wants. Well, sorry mate, but while you were sitting with a cuppa and doing mad geometry, I was the one chopping the Jedi up. You know, the dangerous job? The one you couldn't do? I ordered the intelligence sector to focus entirely on the house of Organa. If he so much as breathes in the wrong way, he's nabbed and Alderaan will be looking for a new tailors dummy to lead them. Saturday From Obi-Wan's Diary Went through some exercises this morning. Have come to the conclusion that I should have stayed in shape on the off chance. I pulled a muscle putting the kettle on, I must remember to warm down. Now all I can do is sit and wait. The Force is annoying in that respect. It should really just get on with it and tell you what to do, but no, it's like a cryptic crossword puzzle. Perhaps that's what drove Yoda into the mad psychobabble which constituted advice. After junking my Windu chapter, I must move quickly to complete the autobiography. 40,000 words a night should do it. I haven't even contemplated Anakin's chapter yet mind you. There is a fatal flaw in my plan in that I don't remember anything before the age of seven, so I'm torn between making it up or moving straight into the action scenes. I shall trust the Force and fix it at the editing stage. Made a stew which is quite top notch. I did have the idea of opening a restaurant here but given the caliber of palate at Tatooine's disposal it was a foolish pipe dream, right up there with Anakin attempting to purse his own range of new age meditation holos. I must admit to being apprehensive about the boy. The mental age is right for training but I fear he will be worse than useless. I take it for granted that he got Anakin's genes. He certainly hasn't taken much from his Mother. He's been wearing that cloak for the past three years. His best friend Biggs something or other disappeared recently. A rather hairy chap who could grow a beard at will. I liked him. From Vader's Diary It's all systems go. Intelligence reported back that Organa's daughter, the one who publicly called me a depraved monster in the Senate (banned for two weeks for inappropriate language– haha), is en route to Alderaan with the plans. We have set course to intercept and I plan on taken them to the cleaners. Palpy sent a message stating that once I have the plans I've to rendezvous with the Death Star. So Tarkin has been whining again. The time is coming when I will be forced to take that man to bits, and it will be a pleasure. Which reminds me, I haven't had a serious think about taking over this whole Empire operation for a while. I do recall when I was in charge one time (Palpy had the flu) and it was absolute murder having to deal with all the muppets in the Senate. Maybe that put me off. I'm a bit skeptical about this Death Star thing anyway. It's taken about twenty years to build and it breaks down all the time. I did warn him about cheap labor. Fourteen Rodians and a battalion of the stupidest stormtroopers does not a garrison make. When I arrive there, with the plans, I shall kick some serious bottoms into shape. PM LIST - If you want off, say the word! General_Kenobi_66 Ascal_Elessar Jade_Pilot VA_Parky Vadey Valairy_Scot AnakinsFavorite jasonnels rocketscientist -----signature----- I, for one, do not think the problem was that the band was down.I think that the problem may have been that there was a Stonehenge monument on the stage that was in danger of being crushed by a dwarf.
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AnakinsFavorite Registered: Apr '06	Date Posted: 2/16/07 8:42am Subject: RE: Where Did It All Go Wrong? (A New Dope) - Humor/Diaries; Obi/Vader; Update 16.02
	It's the rainy season at present which lasts for an hour. snrk I always wondered if it rained on Tatooine- I guess I now know! I should keep that part out of my autobiography and focus on slandering as many people as possible. I love your Obi-Wan’s sense of humor! Reward 10,000 credits for return of stolen plans, last seen in the vicinity of the Emperor's shaving kit. Return them or die. D.Vader PO Box 234252 Coruscant Hee! I wonder if anyone would be brave enough to… wait!!! The Emperor shaves???! What! 40,000 words a night should do it. Uh…huh… Keep dreaming, Obi-Wan! Try to hit a thousand! Gasps at how much paper that would be Excellent post! Keep them coming! AF -----signature----- "I want not fame, beauty, love, or money- all I desire is to make a difference and be remembered for it. Life demands this of me, and I am its humble servant." ~Me
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VA_Parky Registered: Aug '05	Date Posted: 2/16/07 9:06am Subject: RE: Where Did It All Go Wrong? (A New Dope) - Humor/Diaries; Obi/Vader; Update 16.02
	Oh my word! Looks like I may have to get in some additional exercise alongside Obi - I think I pulled something laughing at this masterpiece! Obi-wan's disdain for the entire situation has me giggling. Loved his offhanded remark that Luke has been wearing the same cloak for three years now. Hee! Kinda sweet though - it shows that he has been looking out for him... you know, in between writing his autobiography (can only imagine what those chapters on Mace and Mundi said), and picking out paint colors for the house... oh, and trying to solve the Force's riddles! And Darth Vader's flyers almost put me over the edge! Classic Anakin behavior there! While I loved each and every paragraph, this one will always hold a special place in my heart: Speaking of which, another super Tarkin idea has arrived. Something called yearly staff appraisals. As if I don't have enough to do, I've got to fill out endless forms. What's wrong with promoting the ones who aren't imbeciles? There's about two thousand men on this ship, how am I going to get through that? By the time I finish I'll have to start again. Holy smokes! I work for Tarkin in DRL!!!!! Bravo, cdmcc! What can I say? I adore the way you write humor! -----signature----- Currently on hiatus Awash in Broken Promises (RotS AU): http://boards.theforce.net/the_saga/b10476/23913704/p1/ Our 1st - Matthew - arrived 1/1/08
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Ascal_Elessar Registered: Feb '04	Date Posted: 2/16/07 12:04pm Subject: RE: Where Did It All Go Wrong? (A New Dope) - Humor/Diaries; Obi/Vader; Update 16.02
	I can't make up my mind which of the pair is the funniest. Great job, looking forward to more. -----signature----- "HELLO THERE!" Member of the Obi-Wan Kenobi Fan Club "He's like fire and ice and rage. He's like the night and the storm and the heart of the sun. He's ancient and forever, he burns at the centre of time and he can see the turn of the universe."
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Jade_Pilot Registered: Dec '05	Date Posted: 2/16/07 12:53pm Subject: RE: Where Did It All Go Wrong? (A New Dope) - Humor/Diaries; Obi/Vader; Update 16.02
	Just what I needed to start the weekend. Loved the one hour rainy seaon! But my favorite part was: Reward 10,000 credits for return of stolen plans, last seen in the vicinity of the Emperor's shaving kit. Return them or die. D.Vader PO Box 234252 Coruscant Literally laughing our loud! Must rest stomach muscles... -----signature----- I'm so adjective I verb noun.
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