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Author	Topic: "THE STARR WORS" - (from the Beautiful Mind of a retarded squirrel)
1Yodimus_Prime Registered: Mar '04	Date Posted: 5/2/07 11:20pm Subject: "THE STARR WORS" - (from the Beautiful Mind of a retarded squirrel) - Date Edited: 1/10/08 12:43am (5 edits total) Edited By: 1Yodimus_Prime
	I've been doing too many serious things lately. I need to get back to my roots. No proofreading, no planning ahead, no queve of chapters, no character developement, no well-rounded OCs, no moments of lucidity. ...This is probably not a good idea. Title: "Lady and the Tramp" or "Mr. Jeeves Takes the Train" (aka THE STARR WORS [ - U.S. import title]) Author: Don't look at me. It was...uh...that guy. I swear. Timeframe: ESB, opening scene, first take, no rehersals, Bollywood stand-ins only. Characters: Everyone from ESB, but in ways you'll never want to see 'em. Keywords: Luke/Leia, Han/Jabba, 3PO/Fett, Lando/Mothma, Chewie/Yoda (have I completely disgusted you out of reading this yet, or should I go on?) Summary: Imagine "Star Wars" Imagining it? Is it everything you remember from your childhood and more? Yes? Good. Now imagine Hitler crawling out of his grave, lurring "Star Wars" into his house with candy, molesting "Star Wars," and then handing it back to you with glasses and a goatee scribbled on its front. This fic is kinda like that. In other words, it is an insane, INSANE parody of "Star Wars", randomly beginning with ESB. And don't worry, Hitler will not be involved. Now, ON WITH THIS TRAVESTY!! THE STARR WORS: Episode 85: ... .................. .................. ................... ////We appologize for the delay. Please be patient as we think up a subtitle for this instalment of THE STARR WORS! thank you/// Episode 85: ...The Empire Strikes Back! (...Nah. been done) The Empire Strikes Back AGAIN! (Meh.) The Empire Smites Brak? The Empire Shoots Crack? The Empire’s Broke Back? The Empire State Building? The Umpire Strikes Three? Lucky Strikes can Cause Cancer? The Empire’d Like a Snack? The Emperor’s Tights are Black? The Entire Bottle of Jack? The Attack of the Hack? The Donalds of Mac? The Emperor Likes Your Six Pack? “Hey there stud, what’s happenin’…” wink (quiet, you) The… (damn it I give up) The, I don’t know, The…Dudes Do Stuff In Retaliation. Good enough. THE STARR WORS: Episode 85: The Dudes Do Stuff In Retaliation It was a time of things. Things that happened. The PEOPLE were desperately in the middle of trying to be desperate. Meanwhile, the DUDES were up to stuff. Stuff that they were planning. In retaliation. THAT GUY from the other one, you know…the Guy, he and the other People went somewhere after doing that thing to the THING, during that one thing that happened. Now that OTHER GUY is doing something in order to make something happen for some reason, which he hopes to unleash somehow, at some point, on the People, maybe. He searches the place to find them for some purpose. That’s what I hear, anyway. I could be wrong. LOCATION: The Hyperspace lane between Coruscant and the Hoth System. 0800 hours. (rush hour) The Dark Lord held a still, stoic pose over the enormous viewscreen at the front of the Bridge. His towering presence looked like an alter of Evil, adorning the ship’s overlook like Christmas decorations. Evil Christmas decorations. Other officers scampered by acting busy, talking in hushed, clipped tones. He ignored them. The Dark Lord of Evil Christmas stood there and beheld the great Epic before him. The grand space opera that was Hyperspace, in all its blue, thinly-veiled-metaphorical glory. And this man. This man machine. This machine. Of death. Nay, of ruination. He was Darth Vader, the greatest, most terribly evil thing to ever exist, ever, with the exception of only Emperor Palpatine himself. And Darth Bane, the original Sith Lord. And Darth Malak, the Original original Sith Lord. And Darth Revan, the original Original original Sith Lord. And Exar Kun, the Original original Original original Sith Lord. And Naga Sadow, the ORIGINAL Original original Original original Sith Lord. And Ewoks. And Shaft. Okay, so he wasn’t the greatest, most terribly bad mofo to ever exist. But he was most certainly the associate to such mofoes. Or at least chaos and ruination, if nothing else. Gotta give him that. The Dark-Lord-and-Associate-to-Such-Mofoes was bedecked in what could only be described as ‘totally sweet threads’. With his suit, everything was automated. His breathing was automated. His voice was automated. His eyes were automated. His muscles? Automated. His bones? Automated. His hair? Automated. His clock radio? Automated. His emergency inflatable escape shuttle? Automated. Plus he had a helmet that was scary, plus he had boots, and a mask, and awesome gloves. And he had flashing buttons on his chest. His chest, dude. That’s badass. Not only that, he was tall as hell. And to top it all off, everything was black. So, like the description said: totally sweet threads. But what really caught the eye was the cape and helmet. The helmet itself looked like a skull. A black, eyeless skull that seemed to stare straight into your soul. Yes, stare deep, deep into your very soul, then rip it out and have it for dinner, then make your soul pay for the meal like a jerk, because it so knows your soul didn’t bring cash, and this restaurant doesn’t accept credit cards, and it totally just ordered the most expensive dessert, even though your soul explicitly stated that it was full and wasn’t interested in any tiramisu, hell it doesn’t even like things flavored with coffee, which it’s allergic to, and to top it all off the car is double-parked and now there are three parking tickets on the window and the cop’s threatening to have it towed. All because of Vader’s black, eyeless skull mask. Heh, sucks to be your soul. The cape totally surrounded the rest of him. It flared out like a black tree trunk as it reached the ground. A black tree trunk of death. Christmas death. Vader liked having a cape that covered him up like that. It made him feel warm. Warm and snuggly. Not that he enjoyed that of course, his mind added quickly. Behind him, he sensed a barely-sentient brain pattern betraying the existance of a stormtrooper, trying with all his might to not look like he was urgently aproaching the Dark Lord-and-Associate-of-Chaos-and-Ruination. He was failing miserably. Vader would’ve smirked if he still had a lower jaw, but it remained in R&D having it’s operating system updated. The Dark Lord of Introspective Character-building idly hoped it would have some kind of spam filter this time. “The armor and rank of a stormtrooper is designed to inspire fear…” his harsh, tinny voice barked. He spun a one-eighty to face the soldier, or meant to, but accidentally pulled a three-sixty, which put him back where he started. He decided to just keep turning till he faced the trooper again, and act like he meant to do that. To complete the façade of premeditation, when he finished the turn Vader did a quick hand-clap and struck a pose. Then the Dark Lord-and-Associate-of-Chaos-and-Ruination-and-Definitely-not-stupid-mistakes picked up where he left off, “…not be inspired by it!” The man dressed in white death withered. A barely audible, electronic wimper escaped the mask. Vader’s breathing permeated the room. Things got very quiet. He menacingly held the disco pose, waiting. And then, the sound of water dribbling onto plastic drifted in. The Dark Lord made a formal gesture to check his watch. “A new record. Most impressive.” he said to himself, then addressed the trooper, “On the up side, since you will no longer be needing a bathroom break, I’ll let you live this time.” The trooper very clearly sighed in relief, “Permission to speak, granted.” “Sir-“ “Lord.” Vader wondered where the trooper’s head was. Had the guy honestly not been paying attention to all the times the Narrator had used the title ‘Dark Lord’ in just the first several paragraphs? Ridiculous. “-LORD!” the trooper jumped on the blunder, unconsciously grabbing his neck for protection, bracing himself. Nothing happened. Everything remained quiet save for the breathing. Always there was breathing. He went on, “Lord, it’s about what we’re searching for sir-LORD.” Neck-grab, “I…I found it.” (dun dun DUN) -----signature----- Rule 12: A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head. --- http://boards.theforce.net/b/b1/26481069 - The Wise http://boards.theforce.net/B/b1/21283317 - Planet Hopping
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palpyisgod2 Registered: Aug '05	Date Posted: 5/3/07 2:50am Subject: RE: "THE STARR WORS" - (from the brilliant mind of a retarded squirrel)
	wets herself laughing officially No 1 on the PM list! -----signature----- "Oh, Janette...I didn't know you could do that... I think I feel an election coming on..." -John Howard "Keating" - The Musical We Had To Have
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MsLanna Title: CR GSFF Central = Offizieller Burger Brater Registered: Jul '05	Date Posted: 5/3/07 4:25am Subject: RE: "THE STARR WORS" - (from the brilliant mind of a retarded squirrel)
	rotfl Yeah, back to the roots with you, Yodimus. This is already hilarious and I can't wait to see how all the rest gets mangled. He was Darth Vader, the greatest, most terribly evil thing to ever exist, ever, with the exception of only Emperor Palpatine himself. And Darth Bane, the original Sith Lord. And Darth Malak, the Original original Sith Lord. And Darth Revan, the original Original original Sith Lord. And Exar Kun, the Original original Original original Sith Lord. And Naga Sadow, the ORIGINAL Original original Original original Sith Lord. And Ewoks. Didn't that bother me forever. officially No 2 on the pm list, to almost cite Ish. -----signature----- I give up. Fett is great. "What would you have me do?" "Endure." Cuyir adate jate, bal droten ori'dush Proud Master and buir'ika of Commander_Ducky. My New Title: Lords and Ladies of the Empire
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Luna_Nightshade Registered: Jan '06	Date Posted: 5/3/07 6:49am Subject: RE: "THE STARR WORS" - (from the brilliant mind of a retarded squirrel)
	That was priceless. A Christmas tree and disco poses. Brilliant. Much , Yodimus, and please sign me up for this pm list. This is great. -----signature----- It’s dark now and I am very tired. I love you, always. Time is nothing.
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1Yodimus_Prime Registered: Mar '04	Date Posted: 5/7/07 8:30pm Subject: RE: "THE STARR WORS" - (from the brilliant mind of a retarded squirrel)
	palpyisgod: I'm gonna need to start offering free diapers at the door. Just think of it like a 3D Movie, but for your pants. MsL: I can't wait to see how it gets mangled too! I've got my sledgehammer all ready and set!! Luna: Your applause at my brilliance is greatly appreciated. That said, the triplets are going to have to go. I'm sorry Luna_Nightshade posted: I don't serve their kind here. (Now, if they brought a friend to even it out... ) As for this so-called PM list, consider your collective souls all signed away! -----signature----- Rule 12: A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head. --- http://boards.theforce.net/b/b1/26481069 - The Wise http://boards.theforce.net/B/b1/21283317 - Planet Hopping
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jedi_of_ennth Registered: Mar '05	Date Posted: 5/7/07 9:33pm Subject: RE: "THE STARR WORS" - (from the brilliant mind of a retarded squirrel)
	If you're anything like the squirrel that managed to electrocute himself on the power lines near my house, I am totally assured of your brilliance. Love this. You win at life. PM list, please? -----signature----- "I'm your friend. I love you." -- Zekk to Jaina, LotF: Fury
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Raptor517 Registered: Sep '06	Date Posted: 5/7/07 10:00pm Subject: RE: "THE STARR WORS" - (from the brilliant mind of a retarded squirrel)
	Add me to the PM list! That was hilarious! Raptor517 -----signature----- Piercing the Darkness http://boards.theforce.net/the_saga/b10476/28010631/p1/?1 His Brother's Words http://boards.theforce.net/the_saga/b10476/26020497/p1/?3 Metamorphosis http://boards.theforce.net/the_saga/b10476/24997946/p5/?7 Intelligence vs Canon htt
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Bale Registered: May '05	Date Posted: 5/7/07 11:05pm Subject: RE: "THE STARR WORS" - (from the brilliant mind of a retarded squirrel)
	OMG! That is comedy genius. I woke the whole house up from laughing so hard. Brilliant work, Yod. -----signature----- Missing scene: Vader in the meditation chamber: http://boards.theforce.net/the_saga/b10476/26817395/p1/?4 Decoy teaser trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vvDksDPJoyk
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1Yodimus_Prime Registered: Mar '04	Date Posted: 5/8/07 8:06pm Subject: RE: "THE STARR WORS" - (from the brilliant mind of a retarded squirrel)
	GREAT! I'm glad everyone's liking this. ...I suppose that means I'll have to think up a second chapter, hm? Oh, and Enth, trust me, I am JUST like that squirell that managed to electrocute himself. In fact, I'd go so far as to say I'm twice the electrocuted squirell that that critter was. Bale, I now want to keep this story going, simply to torment your family. You've given me the ultimate motivation. Thank you. You've all been addified. See yas in a couple! -----signature----- Rule 12: A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head. --- http://boards.theforce.net/b/b1/26481069 - The Wise http://boards.theforce.net/B/b1/21283317 - Planet Hopping
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Yodas-evil-twin Registered: Jun '05	Date Posted: 5/8/07 8:25pm Subject: RE: "THE STARR WORS" - (from the brilliant mind of a retarded squirrel)
	Add me please. -----signature----- "Who watches the Watchmen?" "The JCC is pretty much Lord of the Flies without the healthy outdoorsy atmosphere." -soitscometothis
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1Yodimus_Prime Registered: Mar '04	Date Posted: 5/10/07 11:11pm Subject: RE: "THE STARR WORS" - (from the brilliant mind of a retarded squirrel)
	Okay, so we go off in a strange direction, but don't getcher pantiehose in a bunch, gents. I promise that the events of the film will not be messed with tooooo much. They'll just happen differently. And out of order. And probably to different characters. I may or may not include a musical number in the future. Until then, here's chapter 2 of THE STARR WORS enjoy “I don’t get it Chewie. I had these great plans and now they’re all” * hic* “ruined!” Chewie said something reassuring to his drunk companion. “Now” hic “Han’s gone and I’m stuck with you – no offense –“ He said something similar to ‘none taken’ “- on this stupid broke-down junker, and I feel all…” hic “I dunno…” “Ghrrarrraghraah?” Chewie offered. “Yeah. I feel like that.” The Wookiee nodded in sympathy. Leia and Chewie were piloting the Millenium Falcon (LLC) away from the ice planet Hoth. Or rather, Chewie was piloting and Leia was steering a bottle of Whyren’s and making “woosh”ing noises. They were on their way to Who-knows-where, which was a far better choice than Nowhere-useful: the place they were just leaving. For the past several years, Hoth had played host to the Rebel contingent. That is, until the Rebels realized that it was cold and miserable and boring. The minute someone caught on and spoke up to the fact that, “Hey, I don’t think we can actually do very much on an uninhabited ice planet that’s fifty-freaking-million-lightyears from civilization!!” the party was over. It specifically occurred to Luke, around this time, that honestly the only reason they were there at all was to instigate the Empire, who had yet to notice their existence. He promptly took his foul-mouthed R2 droid and ran off. Then there was Han. One day, while Mothma and others were arguing over whether there was any planet in the galaxy that could possibly suck less, Leia bumped into Han in an empty room. A locked empty room. A locked empty stockroom, that was conveniently mislabeled as the men’s room. A locked empty stockroom conveniently mislabeled as the men’s room, in an area that had been cordoned off for cleaning, specifically unbeknownst to Han, at Leia’s direct orders. It was do or die. This was the moment. The fates had chosen this moment, so this moment it would be. ("fates" here being Leia's obsessive and stalker-like preparations.) She stood there in that stock room, innocently blocking the only way out. Han looked at her quizically. It was a ‘is my life in danger?’ sort of quizicallness. “Han?” “Yeah, Princess?” he replied in that swarthy, sarcastic way that Leia just couldn’t stand, but loved anyway. “I…I love you.” He left on the first evacuation shuttle. Soon, all the Rebels were taking off, heading to secret bases on planets that weren’t boring and sucky (ie – absolutely any other planet, ever). That left Leia and Chewie as the last holdouts of hope. Leia because she believed in the Cause. She saw their base on Hoth as the last, best bastion of safety for their desparate struggle to survive the cruel clutches of the evil Lord Vader and his Empire, knowing that only here in this place would they be able to plan in tandem so that one day, one day they could take this fight to the Emperor himself. For Leia, this was more than a base, this was a symbol of the very Freedom their cause was striving for. Chewie stayed behind because he was high. Once it was clear that nobody at all was going to stay, they reluctantly packed up. It took them three months. Chewie had lost the Falcon’s keys, and every time he felt he was close to finding them, he took a hit of spice to celebrate, which made him immediately forget what he was looking for. Leia whiled away this period of time by perfecting her shooting. Getting it right had been difficult and slow-going. Then she started using pictures of Han Solo for target practice. Her aim improved dramatically. But only when shooting for the crotch area. Oh, and then there was the drinking. That was new. Chewie would have been concerned but, again, he was high. They dragged along C-3PO too. They drew the long straw, you see. So they got to wait as 3PO walked the twenty feet to the ship for three hours. Is it really that hard, Leia thought, to build droids with kriffin’ knees?? And he talked the entire way. How do you talk for three straight hours when the only exciting thing that happened to you in the past quarter of a year was a slightly warm day in October when a bit of the snow melted and seeped into the base, making all the Welcome Mats wet, which, to be perfectly honest, the rest of the freakin' Alliance got over months ago Goldie. Leia swore at one point he started gossiping about what one of the x-wing pilots had been wearing. She recalled shouting, "THEY ALL WEAR THE SAME CLOTHES YOU IDIOT!" but it did little good, and in the end they waited until he began a stint of explaining (poorly) newly released movies he'd seen, but in such a manner that unavoidably gave away their twist endings, and took the moment of a distracted pause while he fought to call up the name of the supermodel who was dating the costar of "We'll Always Have Ruusan" to ambush and deactivate him. Chewie would have taken the liberty of carrying him into the ship, but, of course, he was too high. So Leia dragged him up herself. Which brings them to the present hour, on their way to whatever. “Where are we going,” hic “anyway?” Chewie shrugged, then giggled. Behind them, a gold robot stirred. “Heey, I thought we turned that pile of scrap off!” Leia slurred, leaning rather far in the wrong direction, “See this…this is s’what we get for listening to that stupid man of your’s, Chew.” She took a moment to think about the improvised nickname, then patted the Wookiee’s shoulder, “haha, ‘Chew’. Like munching, but quieter!” she shouted triumphantly, then fell off her chair. The Wookiee growled something similar to ‘speaking of the munchies…’ right as Threepio came fully awake. Scared and confused at the lack of Hoth, the droid collided fully into the large hairy stoner just as the creater was getting up to find some snacks, knocking the both of them down. “Oh dear.” Threepio gulped mechanically. --- Which is where this chapter ends, which in turn, is dumb. Why is this a cliffhanger? We know what’s going to happen: Chewie’s gonna beat the not-technically-living crap out of Threepio until the bot’s in several more managable pieces, and then the big lug’ll be on his way to find snacks, as he intended. How hard is that really to predict? This is such a non-cliffhanger cliffhanger, it makes cliches look surprising. I’ve seen more suspense in that Andy Warhol film that's just a long shot of the Empire State Building for twelve hours. Honestly! In the next chapter, we’re gonna check on Luke, in case you were on the edge of your seat about that. And while I’m at it: He loses his hand in the end, the Rebellion doesn’t win yet, and Vader’s actually Luke’s father. There, now try pulling a decent cliffhanger out of THAT spoilered mess. Booyah. My work here is done. DISCLAIMER: the ideas and opinions expressed by the Narrator in this chapter are his, and his alone, and Author Corp™®© does not endorse the spoiling of upcoming and future plot-related revelations. Thank you. -----signature----- Rule 12: A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head. --- http://boards.theforce.net/b/b1/26481069 - The Wise http://boards.theforce.net/B/b1/21283317 - Planet Hopping
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MsLanna Title: CR GSFF Central = Offizieller Burger Brater Registered: Jul '05	Date Posted: 5/11/07 5:10am Subject: RE: "THE STARR WORS" - (from the brilliant mind of a retarded squirrel)
	I'm not quite sure what to say. Of course, it is funny, in a weird sort of way. But it is also - weird, proabably even in a funny sort of way. But still... [face_helpless_shrug] Loved the meta-text, though. I'm interested in the kind of cliff-hanger we will get. Proabably been stapled to the rock... Booyah! Booyah? goes to get herself a sand puppy Um, and me being a foreign speaker and generally undereducated in the field of idioms, what does it mean to get your pantiehose in a bunch? -----signature----- I give up. Fett is great. "What would you have me do?" "Endure." Cuyir adate jate, bal droten ori'dush Proud Master and buir'ika of Commander_Ducky. My New Title: Lords and Ladies of the Empire
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Bale Registered: May '05	Date Posted: 5/11/07 2:01pm Subject: RE: "THE STARR WORS" - (from the brilliant mind of a retarded squirrel)
	Brevity and a twisted sense of humor are the keys to wit, and you are a Master at both. Great comic relief, Yod. -----signature----- Missing scene: Vader in the meditation chamber: http://boards.theforce.net/the_saga/b10476/26817395/p1/?4 Decoy teaser trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vvDksDPJoyk
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Lola64 Registered: Mar '05	Date Posted: 5/11/07 2:54pm Subject: RE: "THE STARR WORS" - (from the brilliant mind of a retarded squirrel)
	This is so completely whacked! I love it! Now everytime I think of Vader I'll think of Christmas decorations, evil Christmas decorations. “I…I love you.” He left on the first evacuation shuttle. How to get rid of a guy in 10 seconds. They dragged along C-3PO too. They drew the long straw, you see. That poor droid. Unwanted. Unloved. Unplugged. You're making me feel bad for him. Stop that! This story is hilarious. I'm definitely keeping my eye on this. -----signature----- Kyp/Nurse Lola: the new ship I stalk people. It's a Lola thing. Been gone and is now back. Did you miss me?
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oqidaun Title: Manager Emeritus Registered: Jul '05	Date Posted: 5/11/07 4:36pm Subject: RE: "THE STARR WORS" - (from the brilliant mind of a retarded squirrel)
	How'd I miss this? Holy I isn't 2 observant. Give me a second to locate my buttocks for I have laughed them off. This was brilliant! The grand space opera that was Hyperspace, in all its blue, thinly-veiled-metaphorical glory. And Ewoks. Word. Damn straight, disco is menacing. To complete the façade of premeditation, when he finished the turn Vader did a quick hand-clap and struck a pose. I see that you're correcting some of GL's characterization blunders. He left on the first evacuation shuttle. I like your version better. PM me when you update? sil vous please? -----signature----- . . . . I'm so bad, I banned myself.
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Raptor517 Registered: Sep '06	Date Posted: 5/11/07 4:38pm Subject: RE: "THE STARR WORS" - (from the brilliant mind of a retarded squirrel)
	That was funny. Moving on, hope a PM comes soon. Raptor517 -----signature----- Piercing the Darkness http://boards.theforce.net/the_saga/b10476/28010631/p1/?1 His Brother's Words http://boards.theforce.net/the_saga/b10476/26020497/p1/?3 Metamorphosis http://boards.theforce.net/the_saga/b10476/24997946/p5/?7 Intelligence vs Canon htt
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