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Author	Topic: Grá máthar (October OC Challenge)
correllian_ale Title: Manager Emeritus Registered: Jun '05	Date Posted: 10/21/07 6:22pm Subject: Grá máthar (October OC Challenge) - Date Edited: 10/21/07 8:23pm (1 edits total) Edited By: correllian_ale
	Title: Grá máthar Author: correllian_ale Characters: (OCs) Rory Sonnader (male Mando-Anarti mercenary), Monagan (male Anarti warrior), Lyvia MigLoughy(female Anarti school teacher) Summary: Response to the October Essential OC Challenge: When you’re a child anything can make you happy: ice cream, a trip to the grocery store, running with scissors. For adults it’s a bit more complicated. With stress and worries beating down on you, it takes something really exciting to cause that happy, giddy, lighter-than-air, run around and break stuff happiness. So lock up the good china, and give your adult OC something to smile about. A/N: As a thread master, please remember that this entry is not eligible for voting. [face_smile] Keep in mind that the Anarti people have a very Celtic quality when you’re reading if your having problems with the dialogue. Grá máthar (Mother’s Love, roughly translated) He flicked his tongue back and forth, up and down; and made every effort to dig into the crevasse between his teeth. It was stuck, and there nothing his tongue muscles or shortened fingernails was able to do to fix it. He ran his hands through his tousled orange hair in frustration, scratching his scalp as he tried to devise a way to dislodge the piece of fish stuck between his back teeth. Throwing caution to the wind, he reached for the dulling knife he had used more to separate, rather than cut his meal with, and proceeded to work at picking the morsel his teeth. The robust fellow across from him gulped the rest of his ale before releasing an echoing belch throughout the hall empty of life; save for the two diners. “Yer remembers Tia MigLoughy, Roar? Heard she married someone from the Sonndaul Clan not two weeks ago.” Rory grunted in response, not too interested with the daily gossip Mony dolled on him at every evening meal. He only cared if there were real issues within his clan that needed attention, not the mindless chatter Monagan picked up at the women’s laundry drying lines. “Member her sister? Our olen’ school teacher, the one who up an’ ran away one night, withouten a word. Member you usin’ to be real sweet on ‘er, heh.” Rory pulled the knife from inside his mouth with the chewed piece of meat resting on the dull tip and a small trickle of blood running past from digging to deeply into his gums. He gazed at the knife a bit more, remembering that long ago time in his life, when everything seemed so much more care free. “Aye, she was a bee-yoot, was she not Roar?” Rory looked up from the oddity and stared at his only living confidant. “Aye.” It was more of an answer than Mony had expected from him. Rory rarely acknowledged the past… Twelve years prior “Do'nutta slip, these stairs kin git slick with moisture the deeper below da’ ground we go.” He warned. Despite the diminishing light, he could almost see her smile at his concern. “Well’en ye should slow down me thinks.” A singsong voice returned. She knew as well as anyone the dangers of old limestone stairs in these ancient castles. They had been traveling in a downward spiral for several minutes, due to the Shilindalé dar Caislean having been built on a hillside. The castle’s bowels ran deep into the Shilindalé highlands, containing hundreds of meters of underground passages and chambers. Although she frequented the Sonnader home, she had never toured the catacombs. She was surprised anyone was even able to travel them so deftly. Lyvia smiled to herself again. Who would have ever thought she would be traveling the depths of the old Sonnader castle, led by the boy who could trace his lineage right back to the great Nar Sonnader himself? Her friends would be so jealous. “Almos’ there!” Rory cried out with glee. She didn’t care what the kids in the middle school thought about him. Outside of the classroom where everything he says or does is compared to the legend of his namesake, Rory was a bright, enthusiastic lover of life. He definitely wasn’t the weird outcast the other children made him out to be. As they traveled further down, she noticed that in a few more steps ahead of the boy, the dimly lit staircase was to be swallowed up by darkness. She had only finished the thought when the boy, still giggling, ran steadfast into the black maw that was the castle's belly, causing her to pause in fear as if she was walking down its gullet. "Come on! We're almost there!" he yelled up from the darkness, with no hint of fear or trepidation in his voice. Lyvia resumed her descent, this time more cautiously. Even if Rory did could travel the passages in the dark, didn't mean she had to blindly follow him. Unfortunately her careful pace didn't stop her from slipping on one of the damp stone stairs, causing her to lose her footing; just for a moment before she felt her foot slam hard into puddle covered floor. The splash echoed the jolt of pain that shot up through her calf, knee and thigh at the sudden impacting of her leg. Lyvia cried out as her knee buckled and she fell to the floor, her tailbone just barely missing the edge of the final step. "You a'right?" the boy's voice wafted near her ear in the darkness, as she rubbed her knee. "I slipped n' hurt me knee," she complained, realizing she sounded like a little child, "You?" The dark space before her suddenly grew into the glowing mask of a gleeful child as Rory appeared before her with a torch in hand. The light cast upon his face deepened the dark circles under his eyes, and gave his otherwise childlike grin an air of dementia. The suddenness of the demonic look gave Lyvia a start, causing her cry out again. "Sorry. Din' mean ta’ frighten you." he offered, and although she knew in normal light his face would look apologetic, by the light of the old fashioned torch, he looked pleased at her distress. As Lyvia struggled to get to her feet, she realized how dank and oppressive the air was below the old fabled castle. Careful of the dark stairs, she hadn’t paid mind to how her hair had become damp and matted. Now though, with her sweat soaked hair clinging to her neck and cheeks, she cursed the bowels of the caislean. The smell of mold and stagnant water pushed her nose into a wrinkle. Her curiosity over the surprise Rory wanted to share with her had diminished immensely, but the thought of traveling back up all those stone stairs, even without a lame knee; and not satisfying the boy’s excitement pushed her to go on. She looked into his brown eyes, and saw all the reasons he was so hard to resist, especially when his enthusiasm was so contagious, “How far Rory? I don’ want to hurt me knee by walking on it any more than I half to.” “When you see wa’ I foun, I swearen’ you’ll forget your knee.” He announced proudly. Feeling more than a bit doubtful at this point, but sure it was the pain talking, Lyvia forced herself to go on. “A’right then. Lead away.” Taking her hand to lead her, Lyvia couldn’t help but remark how big his hands were for a fourteen-year-old boy, even if he did come from rather large stock. She felt her cheeks redden in shame as she thought how he would make some woman a magnificent husband some day. Maybe to her younger sister Tia, they were about the same age. Maybe then she could deflect some of his adolescent infatuation from herself towards her sister. Lyvia tried her best to keep up with Rory, despite her bad knee, but the boy’s enthusiasm kept him walking at an unrelenting pace along the cobblestone flooring of the dark narrow passage. Eventually she let her hand fall away from his when the uneven ground began wreaking havoc on the cartilage in the joint. “Yer to be keepin' yer light high in the air where I can'a see it and I’ll follow.” She offered to Rory before he could complain or question. “Yell if'n ya lose sight, I can’t wait to get there!” he returned, the excitement barely contained within his voice. Lyvia watched as the boy’s silhouette, barely visible even with his torch in hand, started to melt into the dark passage without so much as a sound. Soon all that remained before her was an utter blackness, save for the dim twinkle of Rory's dim torch bobbing along ahead. As she felt her way slowly along the walls, keeping the glint of Rory's torch before her, she came to the conclusion that the walls were little more than tunnels mined out from beneath the mountain. They were jagged and uneven, much like that of a cave. No sooner had the thought occurred to her than a sharp stabbing pain raked along her flattened palm. Hissing with the pain, Lyvia immediately put the wound to her mouth and tasted the strong trickle of blood from her hand. Lacking any true medical supplies, she wrapped the hem of her tunic around the wound like a bandage. Looking down the corridor she cursed to herself as she realized the boy's light had disappeared. "Rory!" she called out, not panicked, but certainly tense. "Rory Sonnader, I've had enough of yer game! Me knee is twisted, me hand all bloody, git back here an' help me outta' this dank hole!" The youngster's voice echoed around her as he called out, "Don'na get too far behin'!" The eeriness of the echo sent chills through her, "RORY! No more games youngin'!" She tried taking the weight off her injured knee by leaning against the wall with her good hand she continued down the passage more cautious of the wall, calling out for the boy. "Rory! Rory!" Suddenly, the wall was gone and she felt herself falling forward where the rock used to be, hitting the stone floor hard. Instinctively she put her hands down in front of her to break her fall, tearing the wound further and deeper. Her forehead hit the ground, snapping her neck back so hard she thought she had broken it. Lying on her belly on the cold floor, she smelled mildew and rot as it burned her nostrils and sent her into a fit of tears. "Rory Sonnader, this isn't funny ani'more! You come back here or I'll tell yer da' what'n you've done!" The hiss of the flame torch coming to life right before her eyes startled her enough that she yelped in surprise. Young Rory sat on his haunches right before her, his eyes gleaming in a way that sent a chill along her spine, but it was the cold tone his young voice that she was completely unprepared for. "Miss Lyvia, you fallin' down." "Rory. It's time we wen' back up. I'm hurt, an' you'll be needin' to help me back up them ol' staircase." The immediate dark look on his face as the firelight danced on his skin told her that she had just insulted the boy in some fashion. "But Miss Lyvia, you ha'en even seen me surprise yet." he stated coolly, with a demented version of the glee she had seen in him only a few minutes previous. "rory..." "Eh? haven' you no respect for tha' Sonnader legacy, me legacy? Don'acha know where ye are woman?" he asked without curiosity as he waved the torch about, lighting the area briefly enough that Lyvia could tell that they were no longer in a hallway, but a much larger chamber. As she followed the reaches of the light, she became convinces the room was more of a dome than a room. Flickers of light bouncing off the curved walls showed faces carved into the stone, as if captured in carbonite; yet more relaxed and serene in the fact. "Don'cha?" "Le'ac on'sonnader uaigh'te, the Sonnader tomb..." she whispered both in awe and sudden mind-gripping fear. In any other situation she would have been honored to have visited the sacred hall, because it meant that it had she had been accepted into the Sonnader clan, even if only on an honorary status. "I can't be here Rory..." His eyes fell to the floor in shame. "you're right..." he whispered, "I thought you'd be impressed..." Her heart sank. She had destroyed his pride by betraying his trust, and dismissing his apparent crush on her. She felt just shamed as he looked. "Rory...I'm sor...” His hand lashed out at her with a flash of steel sending unrelenting pain through her cheek. "Shut-up! I was'n a talkin' to you." He lowered his voice and let his eyes fall to the floor again, "I'm sorry mother..." In that moment everything made sense to Lyvia, the boy's infatuation with her, the way he lashed out at other children. The boy wanted a mother, and saw Lyvia as a prime candidate. "Rory, I'm flatt'red," she cooed compassionately, "but I can no be your mother sweets." Rory looked up from the floor, and watched the blood she didn't even know was flowing from her cheek drip to the ground below her. she didn't even realize how mistaken she was. And it angered him. It angered him that she wasn't willing to accept him. It angered him that she didn't see the honor he presenting her. And worst of all, she was right about her. "She said you could no be me mum. She was righ'. Your'en no good enough, or strong enough. She told me so, an ah did no listen. She was righ'." Ignoring his disjointed thoughts, and confused at the levied insults, Lyvia tried to prop herself up, looking up at the boy perched above her, "Who was right sweets?" He looked into her eyes, wildness flashing at her like a caged animal. "Me mum said so. She's buried here, under the stone floor, righ' beneath you." Lyvia couldn't help but push away from him, his words shocked him so much. Her twisted knee wasn't giving her the push to scramble away from the area of floor. How could it be? Sonnaders were entombed, not buried... "Me da'. He killed her you know. Then buried her, right here. He thinks I know naught, but I do. An she tol' me you were'n good enough, an I did no believe her. Now I know." His irrational claims mixed with his terrifying tone sent her mind into a panic. "Rory, sweets, you've got to get me back into the castle. I'm hurt, I need a medic." Rory smiled at her and laughed, mockingly child-like, very sinister. "Mum was righ'. You're very pretty Miss Lyvia. But your'en a bad, bad person. You let the others hurt me. You probably laugh when they do." Lyvia could see in his eyes his mind slipping away; her heart was breaking despite the fear that filled it. "Sweets, you mus'n understand..." "No!" he bit back, calmly and quietly, "you'll never understand. People love you. You'ren beautiful. People laugh at me, an me mum can't hug me and hole me like the others. No one to touch. Jus' her voice filterin' up from this cold stone." he looked at her sadly with tears in his eyes, as he pressed his lips together but couldn't hide the quivering in his chin. "An' you jus' used me to get a grande tour of me family's home...” Forgoing the pain in her body for the pain in her heart she reached out to the boy, "Swe...ack... " but she never got to offer it fully as Rory reached out, and swiped his hand beneath her chin. She clamped her hands around her throat in vain, hoping to stop the sudden flow of blood. She looked up into his eyes pleadingly, only to find that his eyes held no remorse, no sympathy, no soul. Just a sadistic smile as he watched her life bleed out of her and onto the very cobblestone floor his mother was buried beneath. -FIN- -----signature----- Consider this my "throw back" jersey... I govern my life around my own personal code of ethics, and I suggest that you do the same.
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oqidaun Title: Manager Emeritus Registered: Jul '05	Date Posted: 10/21/07 8:18pm Subject: RE: Grá máthar (October OC Challenge)
	Holy !!!! That was vicious! I kept waiting for the ice cream and happiness, but no! that was brutal. Of course you know I loved it from start to finish!!!! -----signature----- . . . . I'm so bad, I banned myself.
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Luton_Plunder Registered: Jun '06	Date Posted: 10/29/07 3:18am Subject: RE: Grá máthar (October OC Challenge)
	Ale! What the hell is the point of being a Mod AND the CEO of OCs around here if nobody sees your good work? For a start, great handle on the dialogue. I was able to understand it immediately, which is a plus , and it really gave the characters...character. How bout that? And your way of making this particular OC happy was both chilling and original. A little sadistic smile conveys all it needs to, especially to the soundtrack of life bleeding out of whatnot This character is really complex, and I'm really interested to see what you're going to do with him throughout the project Brilliant response, Ale! P.S - Oh, and seeing as I'm miles away and have no conception of any World Series', I'll just say this: Go Sox? -----signature----- The Essential Guide to OCs. Say No to Mary. http://boards.theforce.net/fan_fiction_resource/b10304/25562370/p1
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VaderLVR64 Title: Manager Emeritus Registered: Feb '04	Date Posted: 10/29/07 4:43am Subject: RE: Grá máthar (October OC Challenge)
	Wow. Just...wow. That was sort of painful - in a very visceral way, of course. And completely satisfying! "No!" he bit back, calmly and quietly, "you'll never understand. People love you. You'ren beautiful. People laugh at me, an me mum can't hug me and hole me like the others. No one to touch. Jus' her voice filterin' up from this cold stone." he looked at her sadly with tears in his eyes, as he pressed his lips together but couldn't hide the quivering in his chin. "An' you jus' used me to get a grande tour of me family's home...” Forgoing the pain in her body for the pain in her heart she reached out to the boy, "Swe...ack... " but she never got to offer it fully as Rory reached out, and swiped his hand beneath her chin. She clamped her hands around her throat in vain, hoping to stop the sudden flow of blood. She looked up into his eyes pleadingly, only to find that his eyes held no remorse, no sympathy, no soul. Just a sadistic smile as he watched her life bleed out of her and onto the very cobblestone floor his mother was buried beneath. Just my kind of story! -----signature----- R.I.P John, Alex, Jason, and Christian Never forgotten Soldiers' Angels http://soldiersangels.org/ 2114 soldiers waiting for someone to care
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Corran_Fett Registered: Jan '05	Date Posted: 11/1/07 7:47am Subject: RE: GrÃ¡ mÃ¡thar (October OC Challenge)
	Wait... you say we may not write our new OC into a story, yet, and break the rule yourself? All riiiight. No, just kidding, ale. This was a wonderful read, and it gives us a great insight into a masterfully crafted OC. The setting and the dialogue are brilliant, and all the slang indeed adds a lot of character, as Luton already pointed out. It reminds me of Cormac McCarthy's No Country for Old Men, which I'm currently reading, and which is pretty dialogue- and character-driven as well, and filled with loads of Texan slang. After reading the "flashback", I read the first part again, and it gave the whole thing a new sense. It appears as though Rory hasn't really changed that much, since he still revels in the joy he felt back then. A chilling, eerie read, brilliant job. -----signature----- The other side of the NJO, featuring Mandalorians, Vong, and Peace Brigaders in a thrillride full of betrayal and intrigue... When Few Stood Against Many \| http://boards.theforce.net/b/b10477/25253415/ - http://corranfett.deviantart.com -
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The_Face Title: Ex-Manager Registered: Feb '03	Date Posted: 11/1/07 12:51pm Subject: RE: Grá máthar (October OC Challenge)
	Wow! Dark, creepy, brutal, and twisted. I liked it. The storyline has almost a Poe-type vibe, though the execution isn't necessarily like his. Instead, you bring it across in this neat Celtic-inspired world you've built. I think the dialect added a very unique mood to the story. The characters all came across as fully developed and well-rounded, with Rory himself the most complex. And the most absolutely bugnuts. Like Corran_Fett, I went back and really appreciated the misdirection of the fic. This is one of those you get a lot from reading it twice. Nice work, ale! -----signature----- "Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia." - E.L. Doctorow
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Thumper09 Registered: Dec '01	Date Posted: 11/4/07 11:29am Subject: RE: Grá máthar (October OC Challenge)
	Wow. My list of "things to never do" has now been revised to include "go into dark castle catacombs with a seemingly bubbly, enthusiastic boy." Very cool story, ale. Extremely creepy, but cool. The dialogue really worked here and helped add to the setting. I would love to learn to write accents as well as you do. ...and although she knew in normal light his face would look apologetic, by the light of the old fashioned torch, he looked pleased at her distress. Looking back over the story now like others have done, I like how subtle hints like this which at first seemed totally innocent through Lyvia's eyes began to show a transition to the true creepy side of Rory. Great job! -Thumper -----signature----- "Like anything worth writing, it came inexplicably and without method." -Karen Eiffel, _Stranger Than Fiction_ "Adamantine"--Rebel OC vig http://boards.theforce.net/the_saga/b10476/30390799
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correllian_ale Title: Manager Emeritus Registered: Jun '05	Date Posted: 11/4/07 2:22pm Subject: RE: Grá máthar (October OC Challenge)
	Heh, thanks... Well oqi, a particular bumper sticker forced my hand on this one, except I thought: What would oqi do? L_P, I believe your faith in the Sox won us another world series! I'm glad the dialogue wasn't as tough as I had feared. MamaV appreciates sadistic children?!? Remind me to never follow Meg down a dark alley. Corran...see, I know already which way the "OC Project" is going, and I just wanted to write something because I hadn't in awhile...so too bad. Face, I wanted there to be subtle hints that the kid was a nur job, but not enough for you to truly get it until the end, glad it worked. Ahh, Thumper, the key is that you don't want to "go into dark castle catacombs with a seemingly bubbly, enthusiastic boy" who is also a "loner"... Thanks for the great mojo guys! -----signature----- Consider this my "throw back" jersey... I govern my life around my own personal code of ethics, and I suggest that you do the same.
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1Yodimus_Prime Registered: Mar '04	Date Posted: 11/4/07 7:01pm Subject: RE: Grá máthar (October OC Challenge)
	"Mother, Oh my God mother: Blood! What have you done?!" heheheheh. Hey, it doesn't count as murder if no one ever learns about it. But being a psychopath requires no witnesses at all -----signature----- Rule 12: A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head. --- http://boards.theforce.net/b/b1/26481069 - The Wise http://boards.theforce.net/B/b1/21283317 - Planet Hopping
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