[Vader goes into his cubicle. He picks up papers, turns on the computer and sits down]
MON MOTHMA: Corporate Counsels Payroll, Mon Mothma speaking. Just a moment.
[repeats that over and over]
[Palpatine comes up to Vader]
PALPATINE: Hello, Vader. What's happening? Uh… we have sort of a problem here. Yeah. You apparently didn't put one of the new coversheets on your TPS reports.
VADER: Oh, yeah. I'm sorry about that. I, I forgot.
PALPATINE: Mmmm..yeah. You see, we’re putting the coversheets on all TPS reports now before they go out. Did you see the memo about this?
VADER: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've got the memo right here, but, uh, uh, I just forgot. But, uh, it's not shipping out until tomorrow, so there's no problem.
PALPATINE: Yeah. If you could just go ahead and make sure you do that from now on, that will be great. And Uh, I'll go ahead and make sure you get another copy of that memo Mmmm, Ok?
[He walks away.]
VADER: Yeah, yeah, I've got the memo, I've got -
[He picks it up but Palpatine's at another cubicle.]
PALPATINE: Hello, Greedo. What's happening?
[Vader tries to read his papers, but a loud holonet projector [news] is bothering him. He stands up and sees its Jabba.]
VADER: Jabba? Uh, could you turn that down just a little bit?
JABBA: Uh, they said I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven while I'm collating….
VADER: But, no, no, no. I know you're allowed to, I was just thinking, like a personal favor, y'know?
JABBA: I, I told Palpatine that if Mara's going to listen to her headphones while she' working, I can listen to the radio while I'm collating -
VADER: Ok.
JABBA: So I don't see why -
VADER: Ok.
JABBA: The radio, I can't -
VADER: Yeah! All right!
[He sits down.]
JABBA: I enjoy listening to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven.
[Tarkin walks up.]
TARKIN: Hello, Vader. What's happening? [Big smile] We need to talk about your TPS reports.
VADER: Yeah. The coversheet. I know, I know. Uh, Palpatine talked to me about it.
TARKIN: Yeah. Uh, did you get that memo?
VADER: Yeah. [holds it up] I got the memo. And I understand the policy. The problem is, I just forgot this time. And I've already taken care of it so it's not a problem anymore.
[Tarkin nods.]
TARKIN: Yeah. It's just that we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports before now before they go out now. So I'd really appreciate it if you could just remember to do that. from now on. That'd be great.
[He walks away. Vader's phone rings and he answers it.]
VADER: Darth Vader.[listens] Yes.[listens] I have the memo.
[Another part of the room. Paper jams in the printer.]
LANDO: Oh no! Not again! Why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam?!! I, I swear to God, one of these days, I, I, I just kick this piece of **** out the window!!!
HAN: You and me both, man. The thing is lucky I'm not armed.
[Lando grabs the paper out, tearing off the bottom part of it.]
LANDO: Piece of ****!!
[Leia comes with papers]
LEIA: Laa...nahdo...Cal...Cal...Calrish...
[Lando gets it]
LEIA: Uh-huh!
LANDO: Please.
[He sits in his and Han's cubicle]
LEIA: Han… - [Han reaches for it] Solo?
HAN: That's me.
LEIA: Wow! Is that your real name?
HAN: Yeah.
LEIA: So are you related to that singer guy?
HAN: No, it's just a coincidence.
LANDO: How come no one in this planet can pronounce my name right? It's Lan-do Cal-ris-ian. Lando Calrissian.
HAN: At least your name isn't Han Solo.
LANDO: Han, there's nothing wrong with that name.
HAN: There was nothing wrong with it. Until I was about nine years old and that no-talent assclown became famous and started winning grammys.
LANDO: Well, why don't just go by just Han, instead of Han Solo?
HAN: Why should I change it? He’s the one who sucks.
[Vader comes up to their cubicle]
VADER: Hey guys.
HAN: What's up G?
VADER: Wanna go to Chotchkie's, get some coffee?
LANDO: It's a little early...
VADER: I gotta get out of here. I think I'm gonna lose it.
LEIA: Uh oh. Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays.
[Chotchkie's. They're sitting at a booth thing]
VADER: Boy. I tell ya, one of these days... One of these days it's gonna be like pyoo-pyoo.
[He mimics a blaster rifle. Thrawn, a waiter, does it too, in Vader's face]
THRAWN: [Laughs] So can I get you gentlemen something more to drink? Or maybe something to nibble on? Some pizza shooters, shrimp poppers or extreme fajitas?
VADER: Just coffee.
THRAWN: Oh. Sounds like a case of the Mondays.
[He goes to take some more orders]
VADER: What if we're still doing this when we're 50?
LANDO: It could be nice to have that kind of job security.
VADER: Palpatine's gonna have me work on Saturday, I, I can tell already. I'm doing it because, because, uh, I'm a big pussy. Which is why I work for the Empire to begin with.
HAN: Uh, I work for the Empire and I don't consider myself a pussy, ok?
LANDO: Yes, I am also not a pussy.
HAN: They’re gonna find out the hard way that I'm not a pussy if they don't start treating us officers better.
LANDO: That's right.
HAN: They don't understand. I could come up with a slice that could rip that place off big time… big time.
VADER: Yeah.
[Cut to Padme, a pretty waitress]
[Cut back to the guys]
VADER: Oh, there she is.
LANDO: Vader, you, you always talk about this girl. If you're so obsessed with her, why don't you just ask her out?
VADER: Because I'm just another **** Plus, I'm still trying to work it out with Aayla. Oh, that reminds me. I'm not going to be able to play poker with you guys on Friday.
HAN: Why not?
VADER: Uh, I have to see this occupational hypnotherapist with Aayla.
HAN: Dude! An occupational hypnotherapist?!
VADER: Aayla wants me to go. She thinks it might help. Y'know, sometimes I just think, I keep thinking that she's cheating on me.
HAN: Yeah. I know what you mean.
LANDO: Yeah.
VADER: What is that supposed to mean?
HAN: Nothing. Why don't you just tell Aayla you're not into hypnosis and you want to play poker with us?
VADER: Ah, I can't do that. She might get all pissed off at me. Besides, I think the guy might be able to help. He did help Aayla lose weight.
LANDO: Vader, she's anorexic.
VADER: Yeah, I know. The guy's really good.
HAN: An occupational hypnotherapist isn't going to help you solve any of your problems. And speaking of problems, what's this I hear about you having problems with your TPS reports?
LANDO: Yeah. Didn't you get that memo?
[Vader sighs]
[Outside the Imperial Palace. Chewbacca, another employee, runs across the street, towards Lando, Vader and Han]
CHEWBACCA: Hey! Hey, guys! Lando!!
LANDO: Is that Chewbacca?
VADER: What's he doing?
HAN: Oh, probably working on another heart attack.
CHEWBACCA: Have you guys seen this?
[He hands them a piece of paper]
HAN: What? It's the staff meeting. So what?
CHEWBACCA: We're all screwed, that's what. They're gonna downsize the Empire.
LANDO: Oh, what are you talking about Chewbacca? How do you know that?
CHEWBACCA: They're bringing in a consultant - that's how I know. That's what this staff meeting is all about! That's what happened at the Rebel Alliance last year. You have an interview with a consultant they call them efficiency experts. But what you’re really doing is interviewing for your own job!
HAN: Chewbacca, every week you say you're losing your job and you're still here.
CHEWBACCA: This time it’s for real. I'm going to be the first one they're gonna lay off. Just the thought of having to go to the Imperial Unemployment Office and having to stand in line with those scumbags!!!
[Han and Lando's cubicle. They're sitting there worrying.]
HAN: ****. ****.
CHEWBACCA: You know there are people in this world who don't have to put up with all this ****? Like that guy that invented the pet rock. You see, that's what you have to do. You have to use your mind and come up with some really great idea like that and you never have to work again!
HAN: You think the pet rock was a great idea?
CHEWBACCA: The guy made a million credits! Y'know… I had an idea like that once. It was a Jump… to Conclusions-mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor and it would have different
conclusions written on it that you could…jump to.
HAN: That is the worst idea I've ever heard in my life, Chewbacca.
LANDO: Yes, yes, it's horrible…this idea…
VADER: Our High School guidance counselor used to ask us what you would do if we had a million credits and didn't have to work. And invariably, whatever we would say, that was supposed to be our careers. If you wanted to build speeders, then you're supposed to be an speeder mechanic.
LANDO: So what did you say?
VADER: I never had an answer. I guess that's why I'm working for the Empire.
HAN: No, you're working for the Empire because that question is bullshit to begin with. [The printer is not working] If that quiz worked, there would be no janitors, because no one would clean **** up **** if they had a million credits.
LANDO: Well, I would invest half of it in Mutual Funds and give the rest of it to my friend, Lobot, in Securities.
HAN: Lando, the point of the exercise is that you could figure out what you want to do. And then…
[reads the printer's display] "PC load letter"?!! What the **** does that mean?!!
[He knocks off the paper tray, then looks around clearly embarrassed]
[Vader's apartment. He enters, tired, and sits down on the couch. He then turns on the TV]
OBI-WAN: [From next door] Hey Vader-man! Check out channel nine! It’s the breast exam! Check out this chick!
VADER: Obi-Wan, can't you just pretend like we can't hear each other through the wall?
OBI-WAN: Oh! I'm sorry man, is Aayla over there or something?
VADER: No! But if you just want to talk to me, just come over.
[Obi-Wan does so; it takes him like three seconds]
OBI-WAN: Hey man. Check this out, dude.
[He changes channels a bunch of time. Pepsi commercial, a soap opera and another show. He stops on breast exam]
VADER: Oh geez, Obi-Wan.
OBI-WAN: I'm sorry, man. I thought you'd wanna see this. Doesn't this chick look like Aayla?
VADER: Yeah, a little bit.
OBI-WAN: Hey, she hasn't been over here in a while. You two still going out?
VADER: I guess, yeah. I, I don't know. Sometimes I get the feeling that she's cheating on me.
OBI-WAN: Yeah, I get that feeling too, man.
VADER: What do you mean by that?
OBI-WAN: I don't know , man, I just get that feeling looking at her, like - I'm sorry, man. Look, I, I, I, I, I, I'm talking out of my ass. I don't know.
[He gets up]
VADER: It's ok. I just had a rough day.
OBI-WAN: Tell me about it, man. [sits on the couch] I gotta wake my ass up at six AM every day of this week and drag myself up to Tatooine. Yeah, I'm doing the drywall up there at the new pod-racer arena.
VADER: Let me ask you something. When you come in on Mondays, and you're not feeling too well, does anybody ever come up to you and say "sounds like someone's got a case of the Mondays"?
OBI-WAN: No. No, man. **** no, man! I believe you get your ass kicked for sayin' something like that, man.
VADER: Huh.
OBI-WAN: We still going fishing this weekend?
VADER: Nah. Palpatine's gonna make me come in this Saturday. I know it.
OBI-WAN: Well, you can get out of that easily.
VADER: Yeah, how?
OBI-WAN: [Gets up] Well, when you work on an Saturday, he generally asks you at the end of
the day, right? [gets a beer] So all you have to do is avoid him – [Vader offers him a bottle cap remover]
That's all right, I got one – [he gets one from his pocket] The last few hours of the day. And turn off your answering machine, you should be home free then.
VADER: That's a really good idea. [sits on the couch] Obi-Wan, what would you do if you had a million credits?
[He sits down]
OBI-WAN: I'll tell you what I'll do, man--Two chicks at the same time.
[Vader laughs]
VADER: That's it? If you had a million credits, that's what you'd do, two chicks at the same time?
OBI-WAN: Damn straight, man. I've always wanted to do that. I figure if I were a millionaire, I could hook that up. Chicks dig guys with money.
VADER: Well not all chicks….
OBI-WAN: Well, the type that double up on a guy like me do.
VADER: Good point.
OBI-WAN: Now, what would you do?
VADER: Besides two chicks at the same time?
OBI-WAN: Oh yeah.
VADER: Nothing.
OBI-WAN: Nothing, huh?
VADER: I would relax, I would sit on my ass all day, I would do nothing.
OBI-WAN: You don't need a million credits to do nothing, man. Take a look at my cousin. He's broke and don't do ****.
[Vader's room. He's in bed and he keeps hearing voices.]
MON MOTHMA: Corporate payroll, Mon Mothma speaking. Just a moment. Corporate payroll, Mon Mothma speaking. Just a moment. Corporate payroll, Mon Mothma speaking. Just a moment.
[Vader buries his head in his pillow]
[The staff meeting. Vader's watch reads Friday 12, 10:37. Everyone's standing outside their cubicles. There's a banner that says "Is This Good for the EMPIRE?"]
PALPATINE: So you should ask yourself, with every decision that you make [points to the banner] Is this good for the Empire? Am I helping the best way that I can for the empire…
VADER: Is that the guy?
CHEWBACCA: Yeah...
PALPATINE: Good. Well, uh, I'd like to, uh, welcome a new member to our team. Uh, Jango Fett. Yeah. Uh, he is, uh, a consultant. Yeah. He is a consultant. [Chewbacca shakes his head] He'll be helping us out a little here, asking some questions, making sure things go a little more smoothly. Yeah. Oh and remember, next Friday is Naboonian shirt day! So, y'know, if you want to, go ahead and uh, wear a Naboonian shirt and jeans.
[Jabba's cubicle, under the banner. He's on the phone with Vader]
JABBA: I, I don't care if they, if they lay me off either, because I, I told Palpatine that if he moves my desk one more time, then, then I'm quitting. I'm going to quit. And I told Tarkin too because they've moved my desk four times. I used to be by the window, where I could see the squirrels and they were merry. But then they switched from the Swingline to the Ord Mantell stapler, but I kept my Swingline. [he's holding his red Swingline] They have my staples for the Ord Mantell and I kept the staples from the Swingline stapler.
VADER : Ok, Jabba.
JABBA: And if, if they take my stapler, I will, I will set this building on fire.
VADER: Oh, that's great. I will talk to you later.
[He hangs up and looks at his watch. 4:45. Vader looks around and sees Palpatine. He ducks and peeks to see Palpatine talking with some workers. He quickly tries to save his files, but the computer is slower than hell. Palpatine is talking to other guys]
VADER: Oh, come on! [it finished saving, but starts to save another file] Oh, for crying out -!
[He peeks over the wall again. The computer finally finished saving and he turns it off. He peeks over the wall but Palpatine's not there. He gets ready to leave and almost runs into Palpatine]
PALPATINE: Hello Vader. What's happening? Um, I'm gonna need you go ahead and come in tomorrow. So if you could be here around nine, that would be great. [starts to walk away] Oh, oh, yea… I forgot. I'm gonna also need you to come in Sunday too. We, uh, lost some people this week and we need to
sorta catch up. Thanks.
[Outside the clinic. A sign says Hypnotherapist; Dr. Porkins, CCS; Anxiety, Depression, Marriage, Weight Loss, Smoking, Insurance]
[Aayla is with Vader. Opposite them are Porkins and two other patients]
VADER: So I'm sitting in my cubicle today and I realized that ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So it means that every single day you see me, that's on the worse day of my life.
PORKINS: What about today? Is today the worse day of your life?
VADER: Yeah.
PORKINS: Oh, that's really messed up… I'm sorry.
VADER: But is there any way that you, you could just conk me out so there's no way that I'll know I'm at work? Right here? [points to his head] Can I just come home and think I've been fishing all day or something?
PORKINS: That's really not what I do, Vader. However, the good news is, I think I can help you. I want you to do something for me, Vader. [dims the lights] I want you to try and relax. I want you to relax every muscle in your body, from your toes to your fingertips. Now I want you to relax your legs. You're going to begin to feel your eyelids getting heavy as you slip deeper and deeper into a state of complete relaxation. the air of concerns to you is disappearing. [Porkins starts to struggle] Deeper, way down, your concerns about your job melts away. Way, way down. Now when I count backwards from three, you'll be in a state of complete relaxation. your worries, cares and ambitions will be gone. [Porkins is starting to look very bad] And you will remain in that state until I snap my fingers. Three. Deeper and deeper. Way down, way down. Two. Way down. [Porkins struggles to get the word out] One.
[He faints out of the chair and everyone rushes to his aid]
AAYLA: Oh my God, Dr. Porkins! Ooh! Ooh! Is he dead? Oh!
[She runs to get help. Vader just sits there and smiles. The hypnosis thing apparently worked...]
[Vader's bedroom. Saturday morning, 8:00. His alarm clock beeps and he sits up. He looks at the clock and decides to go back to sleep]
[Cut to later. Vader's still asleep. The phone rings and the answering machine picks up]
PALPATINE: Yeah, hi. It's Emperor Palpatine. It's about ten o' clock, uh, wondering where you are.
[later. Vader's still asleep. The phone rings again]
PALPATINE: [On machine] Yeah, hi, it’s Emperor Palpatine again. I just wanted to make sure you knew that we, uh, did start at the, uh, usual time this morning. [Vader rolls over…] Yeah, it isn’t a half day or anything like that. So if you could get here as soon as possible, that would be terrific.
[later. Vader finally gets up. The answering machine has seventeen messages. He listens to them]
PALPATINE: Yeah, hi, it's Emperor Pal-
[Next message]
PALPATINE: Yeah, it's -
[Next message]
PALPATINE: Yeah, hi, it's Emperor Palpatine-
[Next message]
PALPATINE: Yeah, it's me again. Uh, I was away from my desk for a minute. Just checking in case you called while I was gone.
[The phone rings. Vader answers it]
VADER: Hello?
AAYLA: Vader, what's going on?!
VADER: Huh?
AAYLA: It's 3:30. Why aren't you at work?!
VADER: Because I didn't feel like it.
AAYLA: Vader, what is wrong with you?! First, you sit there while Dr. Porkins dies and you just walk out to the car and embarrass me in front of my friends. Don't blame this on hypnosis either. That's total bull!
[Vader hangs up but Aayla calls back]
AAYLA: [Answering Machine] Listen, **** No one hangs up on me. We’re through!!! And –HA- one more thing. I'VE BEEN CHEATING ON YOU!!!! [BEEP]
[Vader gets back into bed]
[The Imperial Palace. Another staff meeting]
PALPATINE: From now on, you use the new time sheets if you work on two or more job codes and you need the extra columns to fit it all in. Otherwise, use the old time sheets...
CHEWBACCA: Where's Vader? How come he didn't show up this weekend?
HAN: I, I don't know.
PALPATINE: ...it would really, really help us out.
HAN: [Points] Who’s that guy?
PALPATINE: So, uh, any questions?
[Chotchkie's. Vader enters and goes up to Padme at the counter]
VADER: Hi, I'm Vader.
PADME: Hi. How can I help you?
VADER: What are you doing for lunch today?
PADME: Well, our specials are barbecued chicken - it's actually right over there on the board. [points] Excuse me.
[She goes to take orders]
THRAWN: Hey! Look who's back! Table for three, to -
[Vader shoves him out of his way and goes over to Padme]
VADER: I was asking what you were doing for lunch. Would you like to have lunch with me?
PADME: Oh, are you serious? Yeah, I don't, I don't think I'm supposed to do that.
VADER: Oh. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go next door and get a table and if you'd like to join me, no big deal. All right? And if not, that's cool too. Ok?
[He starts to walk away]
PADME: Uh, when you say "next door", do you mean Chili's or Flingers?
VADER: Flingers.
PADME: Ok.
[The Imperial Palace. Jango Fett and Boba Fett are interviewing Chewbacca.]
JANGO FETT: So what you do is you take the specifications from the customers and you bring them down to the software engineers?
CHEWBACCA: That, that's right.
BOBA FETT: Well, then I gotta ask, then why can't the customers just take the specifications directly to the software people, huh?
CHEWBACCA: Well, uh, uh, uh, because, uh, engineers are not good at dealing with customers.
JANGO FETT: You physically take the specs from the customer?
CHEWBACCA: Well, no, my, my secretary does that, or, or the fax.
JANGO FETT: Ah.
BOBA FETT: Then you must physically bring them to the software people.
CHEWBACCA: Well...no. Yeah, I mean, sometimes.
JANGO FETT: Well, what would you say… you do here?
CHEWBACCA: Well, look, I already told you. I deal with the goddamn customers so the engineers don't have to!! I have people skills!! I am good at dealing with people!!! Can't you understand that?!? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!!!!!!!
[Cut to the cubicles. A harried looking Chewbacca exits the interview room and Han enters]
JANGO FETT: Let's see. You're Han...Solo?
[He nods]
BOBA FETT: Is that your real name?
HAN: Yeah.
BOBA FETT: Are you in any relation to the singer?
HAN: It's just a coincidence.
JANGO FETT: [LAUGHS] To be honset with you, I love his music. I do. I am a Han Solo fan. For my money, I don't think it gets any better than when he sings When a Corellian loves a Hapan.
BOBA FETT: I mean you must really love his music.
HAN: Yeah. Yeah… he, he, he's pretty, he's pretty good, I guess.
JANGO FETT: You're GOD DAMN right he is.
[They laugh]
BOBA FETT: So tell me. What's your favorite song of his?
HAN: Hmm. I, I, I don't know. I mean, I guess, I sorta like 'em all.
[The Fetts laugh]
JANGO FETT: HA HA! I feel the exact same way, but it must be hard for you, I mean, having the same name as him. I celebrate the guy's entire catalogue. But anyway, let's get down to business, Mr. Solo!
HAN: You, you know, you can just call me Han.
[They stare at him]
[Flingers. Vader is saving a table and Padme enters.]
PADME: Hi.
VADER: Hey.
PADME: I wonder if they will let me wear this in here.
VADER: I think it would be ok. Would you like to sit down?
[He motions to a chair]
PADME: Ok. [does so] Wow. This place is really nice.
VADER: Yeah, is it?
PADME: Oh my God, compared to Chotchkie's. I like the uniforms better anyways.
VADER: I like yours.
PADME: Nah. [makes a face]
[Vader looks at the buttons she’s wearing on her suspenders. One says “We're not on Dantooine anymore”. The one underneath says “POOF”]
VADER: "We're not on Dantooine anymore."
PADME: Yeah. Really. [laughs]
VADER: It's on your- [points]
PADME: [Embarrassed] Oh! That's, uh, that's uh, my pieces of flair.
VADER: What are pieces of flair?
PADME: That's where you know, suspenders and buttons and all sorts of stuff. We're, uh, we're actually required to wear fifteen pieces of flair. It’s really stupid actually.
VADER: Do you get to pick them out yourself?
PADME: Yeah. Yeah. Although I didn't actually choose these. I, uh, I just grabbed fifteen buttons and, uh, I don't even know what they say! Y'know, I don't really care. I don't really like talking about my flair.
VADER: Ok.
PADME: So, where do you work, uh, Vader?
VADER: The Empire.
PADME: And, uh, what do you do there, Vader?
VADER: I sit in a cubicle and I issue orders to massacre politically opposed factions for the Imperial switch.
PADME: [Nods] What’s that?
VADER: You see, they wrote all these laws to protect civil liberties and insure basic liberty for all citizens of the Republic, like anti-slavery laws. So I kill all those who would oppose the repealing of this legislation. I, uh, I don't like my job. I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.
PADME: You're just not gonna go?
VADER: Yeah.
PADME: Won't you get fired?
VADER: I don't know. But I really don't like it so I'm not gonna go.
PADME: [Laughs] So you’re gonna quit?
VADER: No, no, not really. I'm just gonna stop going.
PADME: When did you decide all that?
VADER: About a week ago.
PADME: Really?
VADER: Oh, yeah.
PADME: Ok. So, so you're gonna get another job?
VADER: I don't think I 'd like another job.
PADME: [Laughs] So what are you going to do about money and bills?
VADER: Y'know, I never really liked paying bills? I don't think I'll do that either.
PADME: [Laughs] So what do you want to do?
VADER: I want to take you out for dinner and then I wanna go to my apartment and watch Jedi. Do you ever watch Jedi?
[Padme gets a weird look on her face]
PADME: I love Jedi...
VADER: Channel 39.
PADME: Totally...
VADER: You should come over and watch Jedi tonight.
PADME: Ok...
VADER: Great.
PADME: Ok. Can we order lunch first?
VADER: Yeah.
PADME: Ok.
[Jabba's cubicle. He hears Palpatine talking and eavesdrops]
PALPATINE: ...stapler off my desk...
[Jabba puts his Swingline stapler somewhere else. The Fetts laugh]
PALPATINE: ...anyway, sounds great, Fett. I'll see you in a few. [the Fetts walk off] Hey, Jabba, what's happening?
JABBA: Uh...sir...
PALPATINE: Uh, I'm going to have to ask you to move your desk. Now, if you could get it to go as far back against that wall as possible, that would be great.
JABBA: No, no, because I was, I was -
PALPATINE: That way, we'll have some room for more boxes and things we need to put in here.
JABBA: No...sir...
PALPATINE: Uh [sees the Swingline] Oh there it is.
JABBA: No. No.
PALPATINE: Let me just get that from ya. [picks it up] Great. So if you could get to that as soon as possible, that would be terrific. Have a nice lunch, Jabba. Bye.
[He walks off]
JABBA: Ok. I'll set the building on fire.
[Hallway at the Imperial Palace. Vader enters in casual armor. Han walks up to him.]
HAN: Vader!
VADER: Han!
HAN: What the hell's going on, man? I thought you were going to come in here and start shooting.
VADER: I just came to get my address book. I'm not gonna stay. I've got a number I don't wanna lose.
HAN: What?! Vader, you're in deep ****! You were supposed to come in on Saturday. What were you doing?
VADER: Han, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing and it was everything that I thought it could be.
HAN: Well, I hope you have a better story than that for Palpatine. You know, you're supposed to be having your interview right now with the consultants.
VADER: Who?
[He writes down Padme's number]
HAN: What has gotten into you?
VADER: Oh yeah. Right.
HAN: Vader, Vader you, gotta postpone it man. Tell them you were sick. Make something up.
VADER: Ah, no way. I feel great.
[The interview room.]
BOBA FETT: The next person looks like a… Darth Vader.
[Vader enters]
JANGO FETT: Aha! All right. We were just talking about you. You must be Darth Vader. Uh huh. Terrific. I'm Jango Fett and this is my associate, Boba Fett.
VADER: Hi, Fett. Fett. [Vader grabs a pitcher and pours himself a glass of water]
BOBA FETT: Why don't you grab a seat and join us for a minute?
[He does so]
JANGO FETT: Y'see, what we're trying to do here, we're just trying to get a feel for how people spend their day. So, if you would, would you just walk us through a typical day for you?
VADER: Yeah.
JANGO FETT: [smiles] Great.
VADER: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late. I use the side door, that way Palpatine can't see me. Uh, and after that, I just sorta space out for about an hour.
BOBA FETT: Space out?
VADER: Yeah. I just stare at my desk but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too. I'd probably, say, in a given week, I probably do about fifteen minutes of real, actual work.
JANGO FETT: Uh, Vader, would you be a good sport and indulge us and tell us a little more?
VADER: Let me tell you something about TPS reports...'
[Cut to later. Vader is more relaxed]
VADER: The thing is, Fett, it's not that I'm lazy. It's just that I just don't care.
BOBA FETT: Don't, don't care?
VADER: It's a problem of motivation, all right? Now, if I work my ass off and the Empire slaughters a few extra dissidents, I don't see another credit. So where's the motivation? And here's another thing, Fett. I have eight different bosses right now!
JANGO FETT: I beg your pardon?
VADER: Eight bosses.
JANGO FETT: Eight?
VADER: Eight, Fett. So that means when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That's my real motivation - is not to be hassled. That and the fear of losing my job, but y'know, Fett, it will only make someone work hard enough not to get fired.
JANGO FETT: Bear with me for a minute.
VADER: Ok.
JANGO FETT: Believe me, this is hypocritical. [The Fetts and Vader laugh] But what if you were offered some kind of stock option and equity sharing program?
VADER: I don't know. I guess. Listen, I'm gonna go. It's been really nice talking to be of you guys.
[He shakes their hands]
JANGO FETT: [smiles]Absolutely. It's all on this side of the table, trust me.
VADER: Good luck with your layoffs. I hope your firings go really well.
[Vader leaves]
JANGO FETT: [continues smiling] Wow.
[Vader continues to the hallway to the front door where Palpatine happens to be]
PALPATINE: Hey, Vader, what's happening? Listen, uh -
[Vader walks right past him, which leaves a perplexed look on Palpatine’s face]
[Chotchkie's]
BIB FORTUNA: Padme? Would you come here for a moment, please?
PADME: I'm sorry. I was late. I was having lunch.
BIB FORTUNA: I need to talk about your flair.
PADME: Really? I have 15 buttons on. I, uh, [shows him]
BIB FORTUNA: Well, ok, 15 is minimum, ok?
PADME: Ok.
BIB FORTUNA: Now, it's up to you whether or not you want to just do the bare minimum. Well, like Thrawn, for example, has 37 pieces of flair. And a terrific smile.
PADME: Ok. Ok, you want me to wear more?
BIB FORTUNA: Look. Padme.
PADME: Yeah.
BIB FORTUNA: People can get a cheeseburger anywhere, ok? They come to Chotchkie's for the atmosphere and the attitude. That's what the flair's about. It's about fun.
PADME: Ok. So, more then?
BIB FORTUNA: Look, we want you to express yourself, ok? If you think the bare minimum is enough, then ok. But some people choose to wear more and we encourage that, ok? You do want to express yourself, don't you?
PADME: Yeah. Yeah.
BIB FORTUNA: Great. Great. That's all I ask.
PADME: Ok.
[The Conference room. Tarkin and Palpatine are talking to the two Fett's.]
JANGO FETT: Right. So there's three more people we can easily lose. Then there's Chewbacca.
BOBA FETT: He's useless.
JANGO FETT: Gone.
TARKIN: Sounds good to me.
JANGO FETT: Here's a peculiar one. Jabba.
TARKIN: Who's he?
FETT: You know, squirrely looking guy, mumbles a lot.
TARKIN: Oh.
JANGO FETT: We can't find a record of him being a current employee here.
BOBA FETT: I looked into it more deeply and I found what happened was he got layed off about five years ago and no one ever told him about it. But through a glitch in Payroll, he still gets a paycheck. I went ahead and fixed the glitch.
PALPATINE: Great.
TARKIN: So, um, Jabba has been let go.
JANGO FETT: Just a second there, Professor. We, uh, we fixed the glitch. So he won't be receiving a paycheck anymore. So it'll just work itself out naturally.
BOBA FETT
We always like to avoid confrontation whenever possible. The problem is solved from here on, then.
[They laugh]
JANGO FETT: Uh, we should move on to a Darth Vader. I had a chance to meet this young man and boy does he have Straight shooter, Upper Management written all over him.
PALPATINE: Ooh, uh, yeah. I'm going to have to go ahead and sort of disagree with you there. Yeah. Uh, he's been real flaky lately and I'm not sure that he's the, uh, caliber person you want for upper management. He's also, uh, been having some problems with his TPS reports.
[Jango seems angry]
BOBA FETT: I'll handle this. We feel that the problem isn't with Vader.
JANGO FETT: Um-hmm.
BOBA FETT: It's that you haven't challenged him enough to get him really motivated.
JANGO FETT: There it is.
PALPATINE: Yeah, I'm not sure about that now.
[the Fetts look to each other]
JANGO FETT: All right, Palpatine. Let me ask you this. How much time each week would you say you deal with these TPS reports?
PALPATINE: Yeah...
[Vader parks in Palpatine's usual spot and goes into the building. He takes a drill and removes the metal door handle.]
[outside, Palpatine has to park in the handicap spot]
[inside. Vader tears down the banner]
[outside. Palpatine's Porsche is being towed away. They only manage to pull off the bumper]
[Cut to Vader’s apartment. Vader and Padme watching Jedi. They're about to kiss.]
OBI-WAN: Hey Vader man! Check out channel nine! It's a breast exam! Whoo!!
[Vader's cubicle. Palpatine checks his watch because Vader's still not there]
[Cut to a lake. Obi-Wan, Vader and Padme are fishing. Vader holds up a big fish]
[Cut to the Imperial Palace. Vader enters with an Igloo cooler]
TARKIN: Hello, Vader.
VADER: Hey Tarkin!
[Vader slaps him on the back]
[Cut to Vader's cubicle. He puts the fish on his desk and starts to gut it. He throws its entrails on a stack of TPS reports.]
[Cut to Vader removing the screws in the cubicle wall. He pushes it over. It reveals a window and Vader relaxes]
[Vader's cubicle, now with only one wall. he's playing Tetris as Palpatine walks up.]
PALPATINE: So, Vader, what's happening? Now are you going to go ahead and have those TPS reports for us this afternoon?
VADER: [Vader keeps playing] No.
PALPATINE: Uh, yeah. So I guess we should probably go ahead and have a little talk, hmm?
VADER: Not right now, Palpatine. I'm, I'm kinda busy. In fact, I'm going to have to ask you to go ahead and just come back another time. I have a meeting with the Fetts in a couple of minutes.
PALPATINE: Uh, I wasn't aware of a meeting with them.
VADER: Yeah, they called me at home. [Vader walks off]
PALPATINE: That sounds good, Vader. Uh, and we'll go ahead and, uh, get this all fixed up for you later.
[Jabba's cubicle. He's organizing papers.]
JABBA: F...C...P...
PALPATINE: Hi, Jabba. What's going on?
JABBA: I, I, I, I, I didn't receive my paycheck this week.
PALPATINE: Uh, you're gonna have to talk to Payroll about that.
JABBA: I, I did and they, and they said -
PALPATINE: Uh, we're gonna need to move your desk downstairs into Storage B.
JABBA: No...I...I...
PALPATINE: Uh, we have some new people coming in and we need all the space we can get.
JABBA: No...no...no...no...but...but...but...I, I, I -
PALPATINE: And if you could go ahead and get a can of pesticide and take care of the roach problem we've been having that would be great. [He walks away]
JABBA: I can't...Excuse me. I believe you have my stapler?
[The meeting between Vader and the two Fetts.]
BOBA FETT: It looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately.
VADER: I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Fett.
[They laugh]
JANGO FETT: That's terrific, Vader. I,I, I'm sure you've heard some of the rumors around the hallway about how we're just going to do a little [finger quotes] housecleaning with some of the software people.
VADER: Well, Fett, you gotta do what you gotta do.
BOBA FETT: Well, these people here. First, Mr. Lando Cala...Cala...
JANGO FETT
Cala...
BOBA FETT
Cala-n’t work here anyway!
[The Fetts laugh. Vader half-smirks]
JANGO FETT: Mr. Han Solo. We're certainly won’t miss him.
VADER: You're gonna layoff Lando and Han?
BOBA FETT: We're gonna bring in some entry level graduates for us to work in Singapore, that's the usual deal.
JANGO FETT: Standard operating procedure.
VADER: Do they know about this yet?
JANGO FETT: No! No, of course not. We always find it's better to fire people on a Friday. It's statistically shown that there's less chance of an incident if we do it at the end of the week. Anyway, Vader, what we
would like to do is put you into a position where you would have as many as four people working right underneath you.
BOBA FETT: This is a big promotion, Vade.
JANGO FETT: Huge.
VADER: So you're gonna fire Lando and Han and give me more money?
JANGO FETT: Umm-hmm.
VADER: Wow!
[Han is messing with the printer.]
HAN: Yeah. Yeah. That's it. That's exactly what I need. Just give it to me. Come on. Come on, you little **** Let's go! That's what I need. Let's do that. Let's do exactly that, you little, fu-
[Vader walks up to him]
VADER: Listen... Well, what are you doing tonight?
[Vader's place. Han, and Vader are there.]
VADER: There comes a place in a man's life and, uh, maybe that time for you is now, when it doesn't hurt to think about the future.
HAN: Uh, no offense, there, Vader, but think about yourself, sport. You're the one who's been flaking out at work. Whatever that religious experience or whatever the hell it was, you better snap out of it, or you're gonna get canned.
VADER: Yeah. I, I, I...Listen, that virus you're always talking about. The one that could rip off the Empire for a bunch of money...
HAN: Yeah? What about it?
VADER: Well, how does it work?
HAN: It's pretty brilliant. What it does is where there's a police action order issued, and the budget is computed, in the thousands a day, it adds superfluous but extremely minor necessities. What this does is it inflates the budget by a percentage of a credit and puts the surplus into your account.
VADER: This sounds familiar.
HAN: Yeah. They did this in Gungan Parade III.
VADER: Yeah.
HAN: Underrated movie actually. And a bunch of hackers tried it in the Old Republic days and one of them got busted.
VADER: Well, so they check for this now?
HAN: No, you see, The Empire's so backed up with all the police actions we're ordering for the Imperial transition, they'd never notice.
VADER: You're right. And even if they wanted to, they could never check all that code.
HAN: Thumbs up their asses.
VADER: So, Han, what's to keep you from doing this?
HAN: It's not worth the risk. I got a good job.
VADER: What if you didn't have a good job?
[A bar. Han and Vader are there]
HAN: **** Lando and I are the best programmers in that place. And you, you haven't even been showing up and you get to keep your job.
VADER: Actually, I'm being promoted.
HAN: What?!!!
VADER: Yeah, I know, Han. It's completely unfair. And I realized something today. It's not about me and my dream of doing nothing. It's about all of us together. I don't know what happened at that hypnotherapist the other day; maybe it was just shock. It's wearing off now, but when I saw that fat man keel over and die, Han, I realized that we don't have a lot of time on this earth. We weren't meant to spend it this way. Living beings weren't meant to sit in little cubicles, starring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about mission statements.
HAN: I told those fudge-packers that I like Han Solo's music. God.
VADER: That is not right, Han. For five years now, you've worked your ass off for the Empire, hoping for a promotion or some kind of profit sharing or something. Five years of your mid-20s now, gone. And you're gonna go in tomorrow and they're gonna throw you out into the street. You know why? So Emperor Palpatine's stock will go up a quarter of a point. Han, let's make that stock go down. Let's take enough money from that place that we never ever have to sit in a cubicle ever again. Your software works right?
HAN: Of course it works. That's not the point. Look, even if it could work, I don't know how to install it. I don't know the mission budgetary software.
VADER: Yeah? But Lando does.
[Vader's apartment. Lando's there, along with Han and Vader]
LANDO: But that's not much money, I -
VADER: That's the beauty of it. Each withdrawal is a fraction of a credit. That's too small to notice. Take a thousand withdrawals a day, space it out over a few years, that's a couple hundred thousand credits.
HAN: Just like Gungan Parade III.
LANDO: Gungan Parade III? That's it, I have to leave now, ok? [gets up] I have to get my resume ready.
VADER: Get your resume ready for what? Another job where they can fire you for no reason?
LANDO: That's right! If I'm lucky.
VADER: Look, I don't know about you guys, but I'm tired of being pushed around. Aren't you?
LANDO: Yes, Vader, but I'm not going to do something illegal.
VADER: Illegal? Lando, this is Coruscant! Come on, sit down! Come on! This isn't N’zoth! They're not gonna saw your hands off, all right? The worse they can do is put you for a couple of months into a while collar, minimum security resort! ****, we should be so lucky! Did you know they have conjugal visits there?
LANDO: Really.
VADER: Yes.
HAN: ****, I'm a free man and I haven't had a conjugal visit in six months.
LANDO: So what do you think?
HAN: This thing actually is pretty fail-safe, Lando.
VADER: You came here looking for a world of opportunity. And this is the knock of that opportunity. tomorrow's your last day at the Empire. You have two options unemployment or early retirement. What's it gonna be?
LANDO: I have a question.
VADER: Yes.
LANDO: In, in these conjugal visits, you can have sex with women?
VADER: Yep. You sure can.
LANDO: Ok. I'm gonna do it.
VADER: That's what I'm talking about! I'm talking about Coruscant!!
HAN: Vader Let's discuss the plan, all right?
VADER: All right.
HAN: All right. It works like a computer virus. All right? So all we have to do is load it anywhere into the military budgetary mainframe and it'll do the rest.
VADER: Ok, you guys give me that disk and I'll take it from there. Oh, but listen. Before we go any further, all right, we have to swear to the Force, Yun’Yuuzhan, whatever that nobody knows about this, all right? No family members, no girlfriends, nobody!
LANDO: Of course.
HAN: Agreed.
OBI-WAN: Don't worry man! I won't tell anybody about this either!
HAN: Who the **** is that?!
VADER: Uh, don't worry about him. He's cool. All right. Now here's how I see it all going down...
HAN: What did you do with the -
YODA: Hey guys.
VADER: Oh, hey Yoda.
YODA: Chewbacca you guys hear about?
HAN: Yeah he got laid off?
YODA: No, man, check this out.
[Flashback. Chewbacca's getting drunk in his kitchen.]
YODA: [V/O] Last week, he found out laid off was he, so tries to kill himself he does, by running his speeder in his garage.
[Cut to Chewbacca in his car]
HAN: [V/O] Is he dead?!
YODA: [V/O] No. His wife came home early and found him she did. Attempted to play it off as if nothing happened he did.
CHEWBACCA: [COUGH] I was having some trouble with the shifter here. It’s jammed. I, I couldn’t get it into drive. I, I, I mean, reverse.
MALLATOBUCK: Are you ok, Chewbacca?
CHEWBACCA: Yeah.
YODA: [V/O] And then, looking at her he is, decides he wants to live does he. [Yoda scoffs]
CHEWBACCA: I'm ok.
MALLATOBUCK: Right.
CHEWBACCA: It seems to be working now. See ya later, honey. Love ya.
[He backs out]
YODA: [V/O] But then as he backs out, slammed by a drunk driver he is.
[We hear a bang from behind the closing garage door]
[Cut back to the Imperial Palace, present]
VADER: Well, is he ok?
YODA: Sort of. Broke both his wrists, his legs, a couple of ribs, his back. But check it out. Huge settlement he’s gonna get. Seven figures I think. Out of the hospital he’s getting this weekend. And throwing a big party to celebrate he is. Gonna take that new chick from logistics, I think. Show her my O face I will. Oh! Oh! Oh! Know what I’m talking about do you. Oh! Yeah. Right. See you guys there I will.
[Vader's car. Lando and Han are with him.]
HAN: Wow, our last day at the Imperial Palace.
LANDO: I can't believe they had security escort us out. Not like we're gonna steal something.
VADER: I stole something.
HAN: Oh yeah. I guess we all did.
VADER: No, I stole something else.
LANDO: What did you steal?
VADER: We'll call it a going away present.
[A field. They drop the printer. Lando stomps on it four times and Han, eight times. Vader hands Lando a bat. He hits the printer twice and Han takes over. He starts to punch it. Lando and Vader pull him away, but he runs back to destroy the evil printer]
[Vader's place. Lando's trying to break dance.]
[Outside Vader's place.]
VADER: Everything is going to be ok. Ok?
LANDO: The one I see is -
VADER: I can see this working. I gotta go. I gotta go. Padme's coming over. Don't worry! You're worrying! All right? Monday morning we're gonna check the account balance and everything will be all right. Don't miss Chewbacca's barbecue. I'll see you there.
[Vader goes inside]
[The Imperial Palace. Vader shakes the Fetts' hands.]
JANGO FETT: Vader, congratulations. This is one heck of a promotion.
BOBA FETT: And we'll go ahead and get some people under you right away.
[They give a thumbs up]
[Lando and Han's cubicle. They look at each other. Han copies the virus and looks around. Just in time to see Leia walk by and she says “Hi Han Solo”. He gives it to Lando. Lando walks by Vader and gives it to him in a pseudo-secret hand-off. He puts it into his computer and copies the file. He goes to Lando and Han's cubicle.]
HAN: Well, that was easy.
VADER: Yeah, I guess it was.
LANDO: [RAPPING] Back up in your ass with the resurrection…
[Scene Vader's place, morning. Padme sees all the empty liquor bottles.]
PADME: Hey, what were you guys celebrating last night?
VADER: Um, I'm not really at liberty to talk about it. I really can't.
[Vader's car. He and Padme are going to the barbecue.]
VADER: So when the subroutine compounds the budget, right, we slightly inflate the budget and drop the extra into an account that we own.
PADME: So you're stealing.
VADER: Ah, no. No. You don't understand. It's, uh, very complicated. It's, uh, it's, it's aggregate so I'm talking about fractions of a credit that, uh, over time, they add up to a lot.
PADME: Ok. So you're gonna make a lot of money, right?
VADER: Yeah.
PADME: Ok. That's not yours?
VADER: Well, it, it becomes ours.
PADME: How's that not stealing?
VADER: I don't think, I don't think I'm explaining this very well. Um, this Jawa Store-a, right? If you take a credit from the tray -
PADME: From the crippled children?!
VADER: No, that's the jar. I'm talking about the tray. The credit's for everybody.
PADME: Oh, for everybody. Ok.
VADER: Yeah, well, those are whole credits.
PADME: Yeah.
VADER: Right. I'm just talking about fractions of a credit here, but we do it from a much bigger tray. A couple of million times. So what's wrong with that?
PADME: It seems wrong.
VADER: It's not wrong. The Empire is wrong. The Empire is an evil corporation, all right? Chotchkie's is wrong. Doesn't it bother you that you have to get up in the morning and put on pieces of flair?
PADME: Yeah, but I'm not about to go in and start taking money from the register!
VADER: You know, the Yuuzhan’Vong had pieces of flair that they made native sentients wear.
PADME: What?!
VADER: Look, we don't - I, I - we don't have to talk about this. Let's just go to the barbecue, all right?
PADME: Ok.
[Chewbacca's house. Lando and Han open the front door. Chewbacca is in a wheelchair, head brace, and a full body cast and is hooked up to a bunch of stuff]
CHEWBACCA: Han! Lando! How are you doing?
HAN: Hiya Chewbacca.
LANDO: Hi Chewbacca.
CHEWBACCA: Yeah, I'd like you to meet my lawyer, Mace Windu. [they shake hands] Mace, Han.
MACE: Hello Han.
CHEWBACCA: Lando.
MACE: Hello -
LANDO: Lando.
MACE: ...Lando.
[Vader and Padme enter]
CHEWBACCA: Vader!! How are ya? I'm glad you could make it.
VADER: Chewbacca! Hi! This is someone I'd like you to meet. This is Padme.
PADME: Hi.
CHEWBACCA: Hi. Forgive me for not getting up. [He starts laughing and everyone joins in nervously, they continue till Chewbacca stops in obvious pain] Ooh...Ooh... Uh, Vader, Vader, come here a minute. I want to show you something.
[They go into the kitchen. There's a Jump to Conclusions mat. It says “??? ; Jump Again ; Strike Out ; Could be ; Loose one Turn ; Yes! ; No! ; Accept it ; Go wild ; One step back ; Think Again ; Moot!” On the
bottom are footprints, under the word “Start”]
CHEWBACCA: Well, what do you think? It's a prototype.
VADER: Well, that's exactly as you described it. Uh, listen, I, I heard about your settlement. Congratulations.
CHEWBACCA: Well, thanks, Vader. y'know, I'm glad you're here because I wanted to talk to you. I know how you get depressed about your job and all, and I just wanted you to know that's how you feel. I used to be the same way.
VADER: Really?
CHEWBACCA: Sure. Oh maybe I didn't whine as much, but I hated my job as much as you and I've been doing good for over thirty years!
VADER: Wow.
CHEWBACCA: Just remember. If you hang in there long enough, good things can happen. I mean, look
at me.
[He laughs]
VADER: Thanks Chewbacca.
CHEWBACCA: Aw, sure.
[Scene The backyard. Lando and Han are talking to Mace]
MACE: Conjugal visits? Not that I know of. Now, a minimum security prison is no picnic. I have a client in there right now. You see, the trick is, kick someone's ass the first day or become someone's bitch. Then
everything will be all right. Why do you ask, anyway?
HAN: Oh, no, we were just seeing -
[His cup flies out of his hand and ice cubes go everywhere]
[Cut to Vader and Yoda]
YODA: Hey Vader.
VADER: Yoda.
YODA: That's something about old Chewbacca, huh?
VADER: Yeah.
YODA: Lucky bastard. [sees Padme] Hey, the Chotchkie's girl she is?
VADER: Yeah.
YODA: Hmm, with who is she with I wonder?
VADER: She's here with me.
YODA: Really?
VADER: Yeah.
YODA: All right, Vader! Ooh! Ooh! Right on. A rubber you must wear.
VADER: Why's that, Yoda?
YODA: Kidding me are you? Around gets she.
VADER: She does, does she?
YODA: Oh yeah. A holodisk she’s like.
[Padme waves]
VADER: With who?
YODA: Well, let's see. **** her Palpatine did. Ah, let me see who else...
VADER: Palpatine?!
[Vader's car. He and Padme are leaving the party.]
PADME: Oh, what if you get caught? Oh, I, I, I, I just don't know if this is such a good idea.
VADER: [ANGRY] Yeah? Well, maybe it wasn’t such a good idea for you to sleep with Palpatine!
PADME: What?! What are you - Oh! All right, Palpatine...
VADER: ARGH!!! AH GOD! PALPATINE!!
PADME: Vader! What is wrong with you? That was like two years ago! What, do you know him?
VADER: Yeah, I know him!! I know him! He's my boss!! He's my unholy, disgusting, pig of a boss!!
PADME: Oh, he's not that disgusting.
VADER: He represents all that is evil and wrong! And you slept with him!
PADME: That is none of your business, ok? I didn't ask you who you slept with before we were together. I don't care!
VADER: Well, I didn't think you would sleep with a guy like Palpatine!
PADME: Listen to you! Who do you think you are? How dare you judge! Do you think you're an angel or something? No! You're this petty, partial-credit-stealing, wannabe criminal...man!
VADER: Well, I may be. But at least I never slept with Palpatine!!
PADME: Ok. That's it. I'm done. I want to get out of the car. Stop. I wanna get out.
VADER: Fine.
[He stops and Padme gets out]
PADME: Why don't you call me when you grow up? Oh, wait, that's probably never gonna happen so just… don't call me, all right?
VADER: Say hello to Palpatine for me!!!
[She slams the door and he drives off]
[Vader's room. He's having nightmares again.]
YODA: Palpatine **** her...Palpatine **** her...Palpatine **** her...
PALPATINE: Oh that's great…great…
YODA: I'm gonna see the O-face again. Oh! Oh! Oh! Ooh! Ooh!
[That dissolves into Palpatine, naked, holding a foot in one hand a cup of coffee in the other]
PALPATINE: Why don't you move it a little to the left? That's right. Great. Oh, hello, Vader. What's happening? Uh, could you give me those TPS reports ASAP? Mmmkay?
[Vader wakes up and breathes deeply]
[Chotchkie's. Bib Fortuna approaches Padme.]
BIB FORTUNA: Padme?
PADME: Yeah?
BIB FORTUNA: We need to talk. Do you know what this is about?
PADME: My, uh, flair.
BIB FORTUNA: Yeah. Or, uh, your lack thereof. I'm counting and I only see fifteen
pieces. Let me ask you a question, Padme.
PADME: Umm-hmm.
BIB FORTUNA: What do you think of a person who only does the bare minimum?
PADME: Huh. What do I think? Let me tell you what I think, Bib. If you want me to wear thirty-seven pieces of flair like your pretty boy Thrawn over there, then why don't you just make the minimum thirty-seven pieces of flair?
BIB FORTUNA: Well, I thought I remember you saying you wanted to express yourself.
PADME: Yeah. Yeah. Y'know what? I do. I do want to express myself. Ok? And I don't need thirty-seven pieces of flair to do it. [gives him the finger] All right? There's my flair! And this is me expressing myself. [holds up her hand] There it is! I hate this job! I hate this goddamn job and I don't need it!!
[She storms out]
[An ATM machine. Vader gets out a receipt that says he has $305,326.13]
[Vader's car. Lando and Han have obviously seen the receipt]
LANDO: ****, ****, ****, ****. Son of a bitch! ****! This is a - **** Son of a bitch! ****!
HAN: What happened?
VADER: You tell me, Han, it's your software!
LANDO: Yes, it's your software!
VADER: Corporate accounting is sure as hell going to notice 305, 3 [grabs the receipt] 26.13!! Han!!
HAN: Oh ****! They, they probably won't notice it's gone for another two or three days.
VADER: Han! Han! You said the thing was gonna take two years!
LANDO: What happened?!
VADER: You said the thing was supposed to work.
HAN: Well, technically it did work.
VADER: No it didn't!
LANDO: It did not work, Han, ok?!
HAN: Ok! Ok!
LANDO: Ok?!
HAN: Ok! Ok! I must have, I must have put a decimal point in the wrong place or something. ****. I always do that. I always mess up some mundane detail.
VADER: Oh! This is not a mundane detail, Han!!!
HAN: Ok quit getting pissed at me, all right? This was all your idea, ****.
VADER: All right. Ok. All right. Let's try not to get pissed off at each other, all right? We'll figure this thing out together, ok? And the first thing we gotta do is we gotta close that account down before it gets any bigger.
[The Imperial Palace. It's Palpatine's 41st birthday. All the employees are singing the birthday song to him in a flat monotone. He blows out the candles and everyone claps.]
PALPATINE: Mmm. All right, Kate, you wanna get everybody started there. [he gets a
slice of cake] Mmm. That is terrific. That is just terrific. I really, really appreciate it.
[A slice is handed to Jabba]
LEIA: Jabba, don't be greedy. Let's pass it along and make sure everyone gets a piece.
JABBA: Can I keep a piece? Because last time I was told that -
LEIA: Just pass.
[He does so]
JABBA: But this, this, it, it, it's a little cake...
[Everyone gets a piece and Leia gets the last one. Jabba has to watch everyone enjoy their piece]
[Vader's apartment. They're trying to figure out what to do.]
LANDO: Is, is there a way to just give the money back?
VADER: What? We just hand them a check with the exact amount they're missing? I, I think they'd figure that out.
LANDO: Well, we have to do something.
HAN: May-maybe we launder the money.
VADER: That's a great idea. Ok, how do we do that?
HAN: I don't know, I don't know. I don't even know what it means. It's something I think, I think spice dealers do.
VADER: Ok. Do we know any spice dealers?
HAN: My, my cousin's a spicehead. We're in deep ****.
LANDO: Yes. We are in very, very deep ****.
[Jabba's new "office" - the basement. Palpatine enters with a piece of cake.]
PALPATINE: Jabba?
JABBA: Yes.
PALPATINE: What's happening?
JABBA: I wanted to see you because -
PALPATINE: Say, you know what would be a great idea?
JABBA: No...no.
PALPATINE: Since you're already down here, it would be great if you could get a can of pesticide and take care of the cockroach problem we've been having in here.
JABBA: I...I...that's really not my job and I haven't received my -
PALPATINE: For now, why don't you get a flashlight and a can of pesticide and -
[Tarkin enters]
TARKIN: Palpatine! We need you upstairs right away. Some major glitch in the accounting. A lot of money missing.
[They go upstairs and Palpatine turns off the light]
JABBA: Excuse me? Excuse me? Ok, that's the last straw.
[Vader's place. Han is looking up "money laundering" in the dictionary.]
HAN: Laundering. To clean… no, uh, here it is. To channel money through a source or by an intermediary.
LANDO: It doesn't really help us, Han.
VADER: I can’t believe what a bunch of nerds we are. We're looking up money laundering in a dictionary.
HAN: Yeah, well, you guys can both eat my ass, ok?
VADER: My girlfriend slept with Palpatine, that's what I can't believe.
LANDO: Yeah, you didn't know that?
HAN: It happened two years before he moved to Mon Calamari.
VADER: You mean, Ron Palpatine, the airshow guy?
HAN: Yeah, who did you think she slept with, Emperor Palpatine? [He and Lando start laughing] If she **** him, their children would have hooves!
VADER: [He half-laughs] Ron's not related to Palpatine, is he?
[Someone rings the doorbell]
HAN: Who is it?
[He hides the checks while Vader goes to the door]
VADER: Don't panic. It's probably just the mailman.
[He opens the door]
LUKE: [MONOTONOUSLY] Hello sir. My name is Luke. I came from a rough area. I used to be addicted to spice but now I’m off and trying to stay clean.
VADER: Ok.
LUKE: That is why I am selling magazine subscriptions.
VADER: No -
LUKE: I was hoping you would help me out.
HAN: Wait, wait, wait, wait! You used to be addicted to crack?
LUKE: Yes, but not anymore.
[Cut to later. They've got Luke in an armchair, trying to get him to help]
LUKE: Look, I'm sorry. I do not know anything about money laundering.
HAN: Look, we're not asking you if you know about money laundering, we're just trying to see if you can hook us up.
VADER: He doesn't know anything, all right?
LANDO: Wait, wait, wait a minute. Wait a minute. You just give us the name of one drug dealer. I could talk to him. I have good networking skills.
LUKE: [NORMAL] I lied. All that stuff about me being a spicehead was to help me sell magazines. I’m a fighter pilot
VADER: You're a fighter pilot?!
LANDO: Working must be, must be very hard for you.
LUKE: I made more money selling magazine subscriptions than I ever did working at the Rebellion.
HAN: Huh? You worked at the Rebellion?
VADER: You can't tell anybody about any of this stuff I told you. I mean, we know a lot of the same people.
LUKE: Actually, that all depends.
[He holds up his clipboard]
[Cut to later. Vader closes the door]
VADER: What am I going to do with forty subscriptions to Vibe ?
HAN: I wish we had never done this. What are we going to do? You know what I can't figure out? How is it that all these stupid, Neanderthal, Black Sung guys can be so good at crime and smart guys like us can suck so badly at it?
LANDO: We're new to it, though. If we had more experience -
HAN: No. No. Y'know what I think? I think we're screwed. I think there's evidence all over that building to link it to us. Even if we could launder money, I wouldn't want to. If we're caught while laundering money, we're not going to go to white-collar-resort-prison. No, no, no. We're gonna go to federal-reserve-pound-me-in-the-ass-prison.
LANDO: I don't want to go to any prison! Why the hell did I do this?! I've never done anything wrong in my whole life! We weren't thinking clearly because you told us we were losing our jobs! And look at us now, we're, we're worried about going to prison!
VADER: Don't worry about it. I'll think of something.
LANDO: Ass. I'm going home. You are a very bad person, Vader.
[Lando and Han leave. Vader knocks on the wall]
VADER: Obi-Wan! You awake?
OBI-WAN: Yeah, man!
VADER: You wanna come over?
OBI-WAN: No thanks, man. I don't want you **** up my life too!
[Vader's room. He dreams that they're in court, with Mace as their lawyer.]
JUDGE: And now the sentence for these heinous crimes committed against the Empire. I hereby sentence you, Han Solo and Lando Ca...Calrishinian...to a term of no less than four years in federal-pound-me-in-the-ass-prison. Darth Vader, you've lead a trite and meaningless life. And you're a very bad person.
[The judge bangs the gavel and Vader wakes up]
[The living room. Vader is up, feverishly writing a confession. He tears it out and puts it into an envelope with the checks]
[Flingers parking lot. Vader sits on the hood of his car, trying to figure out what to do. Padme comes out]
PADME: Hey.
VADER: Hey. You're not working at Chotchkie's anymore.
PADME: No, no, I got fired.
VADER: What happened?
PADME: I flipped off my boss. And some customers - actually a line just happened to be standing there, so...
VADER: I'm going to go away for awhile. Uh, to jail. Yea, about that computer scam, you were right…it was a bad idea. I'm going to take the blame for it, I decided. I'm going to return the money and leave the confession under Palpatine's door. Padme, I wanna apologize. I had no right to get pissed off at you, Palpatine isn't my problem. It wasn't even the right Palpatine. I don't know why I can't just go to work and be happy, like I'm supposed to like everybody else.
PADME: Vader, most people don't like their jobs. But you go out there and find something that makes you happy.
VADER: Yeah. I may never be happy with my job. But if I could be with you, I think that I could be happy with my life. But if you could give it another shot, I promise, Padme -
PADME: Oh shut up.
[They hug and and are about to kiss]
THRAWN: Hey, what's going on here? Get a room you two!
[He makes an annoying noise and gives them the finger]
PADME: I hate that guy.
[The Imperial Palace. Vader drives up.]
[Cut to inside. Vader sticks the envelope under the door of Palpatine, Galactic Emperor. He walks away but frantically runs back and tries to get the envelope. He can't reach it and finally gives up]
[Next morning. Jabba is talking to an secretary. Palpatine hasn't gotten to work yet]
JABBA: ...to Emperor Palpatine and he told me to talk to Payroll and then Payroll, they told me to talk to Emperor Palpatine. And I still haven't gotten my paycheck and they stole my stapler and they told me to move my desk to Storage Room B and there was garbage all over it and I don't appreciate that.
SECRETARY: Um, why don't you go and sit at your desk. Emperor Palpatine should be here any minute.
JABBA: Emperor Palpatine -
SECRETARY: Just go and sit at your desk.
JABBA: But -
SECRETARY: Oh?
JABBA: Ok, I, I, I'm going to set the building on fire. I tell him, if I don't
get my stapler. [Jabba shambles off]
[the secretary leaves]
[Jabba returns]
JABBA: I'm going to have to get my stapler back because it is my stapler. [he goes into Emperor Palpatine's office] It's my stapler, the Swingline. It's been mine for a very long time.
[Vader's room. He's packing his clothes. He goes outside and knocks on Obi-Wan's door.]
VADER: Hey, Obi-Wan, are you there?
OBI-WAN: Hey, Vader, man.
VADER: Hey. So, I may be going away for awhile.
OBI-WAN: Yeah, I know, man. It's a bummer, dude, what can I say?
VADER: Yeah. Well, it's time to go face the music. You take care of yourself, cause I don't wanna see ya.
[They shake hands]
OBI-WAN: You too, man. Take care. [Vader starts to leave] Hey Vader! Watch out for the corn-hole ok?
VADER: Ok, Obi-Wan.
[Vader's car. He's driving along when he sees something.]
[The Imperial Palace. It's on fire, big time. Vader joins the crowd of his co-workers and watches. Jabba shambles around muttering then walks away quickly. A structure falls and Vader laughs]
[Cut to inside, a burning cubicle]
[The burned ruins of the Imperial Palace. Vader is now a construction worker, working alongside Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan digs up Jabba's burnt Swingline]
VADER: Let me see this.
OBI-WAN: Aw you don’t want that man. That's toasted, man.
VADER: I know someone who might want this.
[A car horn beeps. Han and Lando step out of the car]
HAN: Hey man! Wanna go out to lunch?
VADER: I brought mine in a pail. [they shake hands] Plus, Padme's supposed to come by later.
LANDO: So, how do you like your new job?
VADER: It's not too bad. Not too bad. How's the cerebellum?
HAN: The Rebellion.
VADER: The Rebellion.
LANDO: It's work.
VADER: Yeah. Yeah.
HAN: I could probably get you a job if you want.
VADER: No, thanks. I'm doing good here.
HAN: So, uh, we're gonna be ok, right?
VADER: Yeah. I think the fire pretty much took care of everything.
LANDO: But what if the money burned up? It's too big shame.
VADER: Yeah...
LANDO: Are you sure you don't want us to get you a job?
VADER: That's the one thing I'm definitely sure of.
HAN: All right, G.
VADER: You guys take care!
LANDO: Ok.
HAN: Stay in touch, man!
VADER: Ok, will do. [They get in the car and leave] This isn't so bad, huh? Making bucks, getting exercise, working outside.
OBI-WAN: **** A.
VADER: **** A...
[A beach. Jabba is relaxing and a waiter comes up to him]
JABBA: Excuse me. Excuse me, Senor. May I speak to you please? I asked for a mai tai, a margarita, and a pina colada. I asked for no salt, no salt in the margarita. But it had salt in it. [the waiter leaves] If you do that again, I won't be leaving a tip. I won't be putting one down. Sir? I could check into a competing resort... I’ll put strychnine in the potato salad. Call the health department and have you shut down.
END
Mike Judge deserves over 9000% of the credit since he wrote the whole thing and I only modified it. But its lulzy and I thought I'd share.
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"It was by the actions of one person, the Jedi Revan, that you prevailed." - Canderous Ordo
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