| Author |
Topic:
Patience - It's Not Just For Padawans - Obi/Ani, humor. Completed 6/16
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p_stotts
Registered:
Jan '01
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Date Posted:
6/10 10:42am
Subject:
Patience - It's Not Just For Padawans - Obi/Ani, humor. Completed 6/16
- Date Edited:
6/16 10:01am (4 edits total)
Edited By:
p_stotts
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Title: Patience - It's Not Just For Padawans
Author - p_stotts
Characters - Obi-Wan, Anakin, and a bunch of Amazon women
Genre - humor (at least I hope so)
Setting - somewhere between TPM and AOTC. Anakin is around 16 or 17.
Summary - What happens when a sexually frustrated Obi-Wan encounters a PG fanfic author? Read on and find out.
Part 1 – Deep Breath In, Deep Breath Out
Anakin knelt in meditation…well an attempt at meditation. He let loose with a heavy sigh. His hand came up, seemingly of its own volition and slapped at an insect that settled on his neck, intent on making a meal of his blood. Who am I kidding? I’m not even close to meditating.
Okay, deep breath. In, out, in, out. A small bead a sweat tickled the side of his face as it meandered from his hairline to his jaw. Again, the offensive hand came up to swipe away the distraction.
Focus! Another deep breath. Clear your thoughts! Focus on the Force. Almost there… almost nothingness… almost… an itch between his shoulder blades. No doubt brought on by another trickle of sweat making its way in agonizing slowness down his back.
Anakin scrunched up is shoulders and wriggled his back against his soaked tunic in an errant attempt to stop the torment. Sighing in disgust, he opened his eyes to find his master staring at him, an amused expression on his face.
“Padawan, your fidgeting is enough to distract Master Yoda’s meditations,” he gently scolded. “What’s wrong? Can’t you sit still?”
“Sorry, Master,” Anakin mumbled, his eyes downcast. “The climate on this moon is… is… well, it’s hot, sticky, and uncomfortable. How can you concentrate?”
“Years of practice,” Obi-Wan said in a tone that made Anakin want to smack him. “Come.” He rose to his feet. “Let’s check the scanners and have some lunch. If all is clear after that, we’ll take a quick dip in the lagoon.”
“Really? You mean we don’t have to meditate anymore today?”
“I didn’t say that, Padawan.” Obi-Wan smiled. “But a swim would be a welcome break from the heat. Then we can try again.”
“Yes, Master,” Anakin mumbled. He followed the older man up the jungle path that led to their makeshift hut. Anakin was accustomed to heat, having been raised on Tatooine, but intense heat and humidity was something entirely different, and it was beginning to wear on his nerves.
The master/padawan pair had been dropped off on this small, remote, and very primitive tropical moon so they could covertly monitor unusual shipping traffic in the area. The assignment itself was pitifully easy and rather boring. Keep track of whomever and whatever passed by and report to the Council. A month-long assignment -- one that rotated among various master/padawan pairs. This month it was their turn, and, unfortunately, Obi-Wan saw it as a prime opportunity for one-on-one training time instead of the rest and relaxation Anakin had hoped for.
*****
*CRUNCH* Someone is eating an apple right by my ear and hovering close to my shoulder. A padawan braid brushing gently against my cheek a moment later tells me the identity of my nosy interloper.
I swat it away. "Do you mind?"
"No, not at all," Obi-Wan responds, taking another bite of the apple he’d evidently procured from my refrigerator. "What are you writing now?"
"Just something a little different for a change… an Obi/Ani fic."
Obi-Wan scrunches up his face. "Not another slash fic with the prepubescent snot-nosed Chosen One!"
It takes a moment for what he says to register, since I’m only half listening to him. “Ew! Gross! That’s disgusting, and I’m insulted that you think I’d stoop to writing about you and your underage padawan doing the nasty!”
"So, he’s an ‘of age’ snot-nosed Chosen One. It’s still disgusting.”
I sigh in exasperation. "We’ve been through this before, but you evidently weren't listening. I don't write smut."
“Then what's with pairing me with the kid? You’ve never written about Anakin before.”
I look at Obi-Wan, giving him an exasperated look. "I needed a distraction for a while and this came to mind."
His face lights up with a big smile. "I have an idea for a distracting fic. Why not let me have sex?”
"I told you, I don't do smut! If you want to get laid, go ask one of those fanfic writers who frequent the NC-17 sites. Now let me write!"
I turn back to my computer keyboard. Obi-Wan leans close to my ear and whispers, "You sure there's nothing I can do to change your mind?" He voice sounds so sexy. His warm breath tickles my neck. I’m certain he thinks he’s making headway, but... I blow out a disgusted sigh. "That doesn't work on me, remember? Besides, I'm married... and old enough to be your mother."
Obi-Wan graces me with his most charming smile. "Only if you were scandalously young when you had me. Come on, just one short smut scene? It's been so long, and I've been so very patient. Please?"
"I told you..."
"I know, you don't do smut." He crosses his arms and pouts. "You could if you tried."
"I could do Obi-torture too! You haven’t had that in long time either."
"NO!" he says, backing away. "No, that's okay. Go on with what you were doing. Forget I was ever here."
I smile and turn back to my computer. "Now, let's see," I murmur softly. "I think what this fic needs is a tribe of Amazons searching for a sacrifice."
Obi-Wan groans. "I have a bad feeling about this."
TBC
-----signature-----
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans for your life.
Proud master to Gkilkenny!
Stories in my bio.
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azizah
Registered:
Sep '06
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Date Posted:
6/10 11:48am
Subject:
RE: Patience - It's Not Just For Padawans - Obi/Ani, humor.
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 That was hilarious. Very clever.
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Valairy_Scot
Title: PT Rewrite Winner
Registered:
Sep '05
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Date Posted:
6/10 12:07pm
Subject:
RE: Patience - It's Not Just For Padawans - Obi/Ani, humor.
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Obi-Wan graces me with his most charming smile. "Only if you were scandalously young when you had me. Come on, just one short smut scene? It's been so long, and I've been so very patient. Please?"
"I told you..."
"I know, you don't do smut." He crosses his arms and pouts. "You could if you tried."
"I could do Obi-torture too! You haven’t had that in long time either."
"NO!" he says, backing away. "No, that's okay. Go on with what you were doing. Forget I was ever here."
I smile and turn back to my computer. "Now, let's see," I murmur softly. "I think what this fic needs is a tribe of Amazons searching for a sacrifice."
Obi-Wan groans. "I have a bad feeling about this."
Well if that author won't - there are other authors out there.   
-----signature-----
http://boards.theforce.net/fan_fiction_resource/b10304/25405090/p3/?52 Prolific Author thread: list & links there. Muse fueled by coffee. Often AWOL despite frequent sipping. Writes on inspiration, not a schedule. Proud master of several padawans
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earlybird-obi-wan
Registered:
Aug '06
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Date Posted:
6/10 12:37pm
Subject:
RE: Patience - It's Not Just For Padawans - Obi/Ani, humor.
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Nice first post
-----signature-----
writer and Star Wars fan
FANART [link=http://boards.theforce.net/fan_art/b10020/25793899]fanart[/link]
stories in my bio
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Lady_Misty
Registered:
Mar '07
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Date Posted:
6/10 12:57pm
Subject:
RE: Patience - It's Not Just For Padawans - Obi/Ani, humor.
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Sounds good, if I don't like it I'll ask to be taken off the pm list.
-----signature-----
'Lumious beings are we, not this crude matter.' Kenneth Cope and Yoda
The Clone Wars is wicked good!!!!
I got Kenneth Cope's autograph!!!
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ClaudiaR
Registered:
Jun '07
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Date Posted:
6/10 1:52pm
Subject:
RE: Patience - It's Not Just For Padawans - Obi/Ani, humor.
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I have a feeling this will be a very fun!fic!
I love Obi!
let us see what those amazons will do eh!
-----signature-----
LURK&STALK
It takes a specialist to do it right
" Getting to stalk around importantly was quickly becoming the best part of pretending to be a Sith. "
Obi-Wan in Deptions by Amrita_Glittersong
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Lolly_Tolly
Registered:
Apr '08
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Date Posted:
6/10 2:18pm
Subject:
RE: Patience - It's Not Just For Padawans - Obi/Ani, humor.
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This is hilarious! Poor Obi! Stuck with Ani for a month... 
If you have a PM list, may you please add me! 
-----signature-----
Proud to be Padawan of ZaraValinor! Siriwan shipper! Rise and Fall - (Good character bad) ROTS AU http://boards.theforce.net/Message.aspx?topic=28470791&brd=10476&start=28584936 Remember Stressed backwards, is DESSERTS!
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Sabriel_Orion
Registered:
Mar '08
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Date Posted:
6/10 2:55pm
Subject:
RE: Patience - It's Not Just For Padawans - Obi/Ani, humor.
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LMAO! This is going to be interesting. I just know it. XD
Please keep me on the pm list. XD
-----signature-----
"Does the Walker choose the Path, or the Path the Walker?" from Sabriel, by Garth Nix Sabriel: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v409/sabriel_orion/PadawanSabrielOrionColored.png
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Bastet
Registered:
Dec '99
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Date Posted:
6/10 4:34pm
Subject:
RE: Patience - It's Not Just For Padawans - Obi/Ani, humor.
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Ha ha ha ha!!!
Poor Obi, no one lets him have any fun.  
I can't wait for the tribe of Amazon women to show up! 
And of course please keep me on your PM list!
-----signature-----
"Oh yeah. Ooh, aah. That's how it always starts. But then later there's running, then...screaming." --Dr. Ian Malcolm
"Okay fine. Go ahead and scream. Then when that tricycloplots attacks you, don't come crying to me." --Paul Kirby
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Gkilkenny
Registered:
Mar '04
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Date Posted:
6/10 4:52pm
Subject:
RE: Patience - It's Not Just For Padawans - Obi/Ani, humor.
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*CRUNCH* Someone is eating an apple right by my ear and hovering close to my shoulder. A padawan braid brushing gently against my cheek a moment later tells me the identity of my nosy interloper.
I swat it away. "Do you mind?"
"No, not at all," Obi-Wan responds, taking another bite of the apple he’d evidently procured from my refrigerator. "What are you writing now?"
"Just something a little different for a change… an Obi/Ani fic."
I am so glad you added this, as I thought oh no! How can I get through listening to
Anakin whine about himself for the whole story. 
You might tell I am not an Anakin fan, however, providing it has copious
amounts of Obi-Wan in it, I will love it.  
Thanks for the pm. 
-----signature-----
Padawan to p_stotts
Peace over anger - honour over hate - Strength over fear.
Links to Stories in my Bio. Obi-Wan forever.
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p_stotts
Registered:
Jan '01
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Date Posted:
6/11 6:26am
Subject:
RE: Patience - It's Not Just For Padawans - Obi/Ani, humor. Part 2 posted 6/11
- Date Edited:
6/11 6:28am (1 edits total)
Edited By:
p_stotts
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azizah posted:
That was hilarious. Very clever.
Thanks very much!  Glad you like it. There's more where that came from.
Valairy_Scot posted:
Well if that author won't - there are other authors out there.
Now, now, Valairy. Read on for more.
earlybird-obi-wan posted:
Nice first post
Thanks! 
Lady_Misty posted:
Sounds good, if I don't like it I'll ask to be taken off the pm list.
 No, don't go away! It's all slight of hand and inuendo. I promise!
ClaudiaR posted:
I have a feeling this will be a very fun!fic! I love Obi! let us see what those amazons will do eh!
The Amazons don't show up quite yet, but don't worry, they're coming... much to Obi-Wan's frustration. 
Lolly_Tolly posted:
This is hilarious! Poor Obi! Stuck with Ani for a month... If you have a PM list, may you please add me!
My pleasure, Lolly, and welcome!
Sabriel_Orion posted:
LMAO! This is going to be interesting. I just know it. XD Please keep me on the pm list. XD
Glad you're enjoying it, and yes, I'll pm you.
Bastet posted:
Ha ha ha ha!!! Poor Obi, no one lets him have any fun. I can't wait for the tribe of Amazon women to show up! And of course please keep me on your PM list!
Obi is always so straight-laced and serious. I thought it would be fun to portray him as a typical guy. I'm glad everyone is enjoying the humor in this.
Gkilkenny posted:
I am so glad you added this, as I thought oh no! How can I get through listening to Anakin whine about himself for the whole story.
You might tell I am not an Anakin fan, however, providing it has copious
amounts of Obi-Wan in it, I will love it.
Thanks for the pm.
Don't worry, Anakin doesn't get a lot of page time in this. It's mostly Obi, so enjoy! 
Part 2 – Please Don’t Pester the Fanfic Author
“Anakin,” Obi-Wan said, his tone indulgent, “I know you think these meditation exercises are a waste of your time, but they do serve a purpose.”
Anakin shoved a forkful of fruit salad in his mouth, washing it down with a cup of cold water. “And what purpose would that be, my master?”
Obi-Wan frowned at his padawan’s tone of voice, which bordered just this side of sarcastic. However, the boy’s expression was serious. “You must be able to concentrate on the Force in any situation, regardless of the discomforts,” he said finally. “In a fight for your life, your opponent is not going to give you time to get rid of the distractions. You must be able to work around them and through them.”
“Yes, Master.” The teen sighed and took another bite of fruit.
Obi-Wan smiled as he got up from the table, taking his plate and cup over to wash them in the small basin that served as both sink and tub for them. “A Jedi must accept distractions and discomforts as they come, absorb them, and then release them into the Force. In that way, you don’t waste energy fighting against them, but yet, they do not impede you from achieving your goal.”
Behind his master’s turned back, Anakin frowned. He still didn’t get it.
“Don’t worry, Padawan,” Obi-Wan assured him, as if he had picked up on his confusion. “I don’t expect you to get it all at one time. With practice, you’ll get better.”
Obi-Wan turned from the basin and smiled. “You’ve already come a long way since you began your training. You’ve caught up to, and in some cases surpassed your age-mates in many skills. Don’t worry about it. It will come.”
Anakin ducked his head, smiling as he looked up at his master.
“Now, how about that swim I promised you?”
*****
As I reach over to grab my mouse so that I can highlight a line I want to delete, a warm hand suddenly descends over mine. I look up and frown. “You again? What do you want now?”
He gives me his best puppy-eyed expression. “Please, me so horny.”
I shake my head emphatically. “No, Obi-Wan. I’m sorry, but this is a PG site. No smut allowed.”
He stomps his foot. “That’s not fair! Other sites allow explicit sex! I know; I’ve checked them out. Did you know that at this very moment, Qui-Gon is having incredible sex with a woman who’s half Falleen. Mace and Adi are so tangled up they look like a Twi-lek on spice. Even Xanatos gets to do it whenever, wherever, and with whomever he wants! Meanwhile you and every other sith-spawned prudish fanfic author want me to spend the next ten to fifteen years looking after the Chosen One. And do it celibate!” His tone of voice raises a notch. “I’m still a young man. I’m in the prime of my life, for Force sake!”
I shrug my shoulders and turn back to the keyboard. “Sorry, Obi-Wan, but you're out of luck.
Obi-Wan's hands fist at his sides. “I swear, if I weren’t a Jedi Knight…”
I smile sweetly at him. “Well, for one, you’re not a Jedi Knight -- at least not yet. And for two, even if you were, well, I am the writer, after all. I may be a little rusty at Obi-torture but…” I make a show of cracking my knuckles. “I’m sure I could come up with something that would put that ‘lightsaber’ of yours out of commission for quite some time to come."
Obi-Wan’s hands jerk to his groin. “You wouldn’t dare!”
“Oh, wouldn’t I?” I flash him my best evil grin. “Now, go away, Obi-Wan. I have a lot of work to do, and I don’t need a hormonal padawan distracting me.”
Obi-Wan stares at me for a long moment, and I find myself mesmerized by those delectable blue-gray eyes. An impish grin forms on his face. He moves closer and lifts an eyebrow while waving his hand slowly from one side of his body to the other. “Having second thoughts, are we?” he asks softly.
I shake my head to clear it. “Cut that out! You know the rules. No illicit use of the Force to influence the author!” I deliberately turn my back to him. “Try that again and I’ll report you to the Jedi Council.”
“Big deal! They don’t scare me.”
I grin. “Okay, then I’ll report you to the fanfic admins, and you know what they’ll do.”
I hear him gasp. “I completely forgot about them!”
Silence reigns in the room. I glance around and find him gone. “Good. Now maybe I can get some writing done.”
TBC
-----signature-----
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans for your life.
Proud master to Gkilkenny!
Stories in my bio.
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earlybird-obi-wan
Registered:
Aug '06
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Date Posted:
6/11 9:06am
Subject:
RE: Patience - It's Not Just For Padawans - Obi/Ani, humor. Part 2 posted 6/11
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And no mindtricks Obi-Wan?  to distract your fanfic writer. You can do it and (s)he will comply to your wishes. 
Nice update
-----signature-----
writer and Star Wars fan
FANART [link=http://boards.theforce.net/fan_art/b10020/25793899]fanart[/link]
stories in my bio
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Valairy_Scot
Title: PT Rewrite Winner
Registered:
Sep '05
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Date Posted:
6/11 10:26am
Subject:
RE: Patience - It's Not Just For Padawans - Obi/Ani, humor. Part 2 posted 6/11
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“I’m sure I could come up with something that would put that ‘lightsaber’ of yours out of commission for quite some time to come."
Obi-Wan’s hands jerk to his groin. “You wouldn’t dare!”
“Oh, wouldn’t I?” I flash him my best evil grin. “Now, go away, Obi-Wan. I have a lot of work to do, and I don’t need a hormonal padawan distracting me.”
Obi-Wan stares at me for a long moment, and I find myself mesmerized by those delectable blue-gray eyes. An impish grin forms on his face. He moves closer and lifts an eyebrow while waving his hand slowly from one side of his body to the other. “Having second thoughts, are we?” he asks softly.
I shake my head to clear it. “Cut that out! You know the rules. No illicit use of the Force to influence the author!” I deliberately turn my back to him. “Try that again and I’ll report you to the Jedi Council.”
“Big deal! They don’t scare me.”
I grin. “Okay, then I’ll report you to the fanfic admins, and you know what they’ll do.”  What an evil  threat!
Are mods as deadly as Sith?
-----signature-----
http://boards.theforce.net/fan_fiction_resource/b10304/25405090/p3/?52 Prolific Author thread: list & links there. Muse fueled by coffee. Often AWOL despite frequent sipping. Writes on inspiration, not a schedule. Proud master of several padawans
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Lolly_Tolly
Registered:
Apr '08
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Date Posted:
6/11 1:40pm
Subject:
RE: Patience - It's Not Just For Padawans - Obi/Ani, humor. Part 2 posted 6/11
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Don't listen to her Obi! She'll get in trouble, not you!
Nice update! Good to see a lack of Anakin!
Thanks for the PM!
-----signature-----
Proud to be Padawan of ZaraValinor! Siriwan shipper! Rise and Fall - (Good character bad) ROTS AU http://boards.theforce.net/Message.aspx?topic=28470791&brd=10476&start=28584936 Remember Stressed backwards, is DESSERTS!
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Sabriel_Orion
Registered:
Mar '08
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Date Posted:
6/11 2:31pm
Subject:
RE: Patience - It's Not Just For Padawans - Obi/Ani, humor. Part 2 posted 6/11
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shake my head to clear it. “Cut that out! You know the rules. No illicit use of the Force to influence the author!” I deliberately turn my back to him. “Try that again and I’ll report you to the Jedi Council.”
“Big deal! They don’t scare me.”
I grin. “Okay, then I’ll report you to the fanfic admins, and you know what they’ll do.”
I hear him gasp. “I completely forgot about them!”
Silence reigns in the room. I glance around and find him gone. “Good. Now maybe I can get some writing done.”
LMAO! That whole part, especially about the admins, is great. XD
I love the little extra parts that isn't quite part of the story that you've added.
-----signature-----
"Does the Walker choose the Path, or the Path the Walker?" from Sabriel, by Garth Nix Sabriel: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v409/sabriel_orion/PadawanSabrielOrionColored.png
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Bastet
Registered:
Dec '99
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Date Posted:
6/11 4:30pm
Subject:
RE: Patience - It's Not Just For Padawans - Obi/Ani, humor. Part 2 posted 6/11
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My my, Obi-Wan is getting desperate, isn't he?
I think the author had better guard her computer, in case a certain 'hormonal Padawan' decides to take matters into his own hands!
-----signature-----
"Oh yeah. Ooh, aah. That's how it always starts. But then later there's running, then...screaming." --Dr. Ian Malcolm
"Okay fine. Go ahead and scream. Then when that tricycloplots attacks you, don't come crying to me." --Paul Kirby
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