| Author |
Topic:
Apologize - V/P - Songfic
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jmsbndgrl
Registered:
Dec '04
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Date Posted:
6/30 6:37pm
Subject:
Apologize - V/P - Songfic
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Title: Apologize
Author: JmsBndGrl
Genre: Songfic, Angst, and Alternative Universe
Characters: Vader, Padmé
Summary: Vader is tormented by his thoughts during Padmé’s funeral.
Timeframe: ROTS
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars. I’m just borrowing George Lucas’s characters for a bit. I also do not own the song "Apologize," performed by OneRepublic.
Note: For my regular readers, I know that I have three WIP that need updating, but I got this song stuck in my head and with it this plot bunny. This fic flashbacks in a couple places, so I decided to put those in italics and the lyrics in bold to delineate the two.
***
Sunset is fast approaching, my love. The crowds are lighting their candles and gathering just for you. They have gathered here to celebrate your life, but the same cannot be said for me. I am here to tear open the wounds you inflicted the day you decided to betray me.
I told myself that I would not set forth on this planet again, but I could not stay away. I can feel in the Force that you are gone and although I know my heart cannot bear it I must see for myself that you are resting in eternal slumber. For a while I blamed myself for your death, but now I know it was your fault. You should have listened to me and stuck to my plan. I alone would have protected you from harm, but you still decided to slip away.
I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
You do know that things did not need to be this way. I know I told you that once, but it is true. However, this time we would not have had to keep any secrets. We could have shown our love to the universe. Nothing would have stood in our way. You would have ruled by my side as queen and peace would reign across the galaxy. Our child would have had every privilege and grown strong to one day take on the rule of our Empire. However, you stole that dream from me because you are gone and you took our child with you.
Peace was what you wanted. It was all you ever worked for in the Senate. However, when I found the means to give it to you, you threw it in my face. Or you could say you drove it through my heart and shattered it. You should have listened to me!
And I'm hearing what you say
But I just can't make a sound
Now we are forever parted. They are going to bring your carriage towards a large stone structure and while all eyes are searching for you, no one sees that I am standing on one of the decorative arches on the structure. Even the mechanical rasp of the machinery that keeps me alive does not draw anyone’s attention as their focus is solely on you. I will not join the spectators vying for one last glimpse of you, but I am certain that from my vantage point, I will have the best view. I can see everything, the sea of people, the vista of the city, and when it begins its journey I will see the procession that brings you to your final resting place.
I think I can see the procession coming right now. Two of your loyal handmaidens appear to be leading the way. I would think such loyalty should be commended, but had you given the same to me, there would be no reason for them to perform their grim task. I hope that wherever you are you know the pain you are inflicting on those that cared for you.
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down
But wait...
Do you even remember that day on Mustafar? I will admit I was surprised to see you, but at the same time pleased to have you near. Everything I was doing was for us and it seemed fitting that you should join me at my side. I can still remember telling you of my plan.
“Can’t you see? We don’t have to run away anymore. I have brought peace to the Republic. I am more powerful than the chancellor. I… I can overthrow him. And together you and I can rule the galaxy, make things the way we want them to be.”
You said you did not believe what you were hearing, but I had the same reaction to your response. Even worse was when Obi-Wan showed up. How could you even spout off your lies to me when you knew you had brought him to kill me? Not even the fires that burned my body caused the same pain as your treacherous plea. Even to this day the memory clutches at my heart as I recall, “Stop. Stop now. Come back. I love you.”
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say...
Liar! The truth was I loved you and was too blind to see you for what you truly were. I called you my angel, but in reality you were a serpent waiting for the right time to strike and kill me. You of all people must have known what your betrayal would do to me. I never hid my feelings from you, I never could.
I hope you know that as your carriage passes over me, I will curse you. If you did not love me, you should have told me. Maybe my heart would still have broken, but I could have spared myself my injuries from Mustafar, injuries that were ultimately caused by you.
That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
Maybe my heart is finally hardening to you, because even now I can see your carriage and make out the flowers that are scattered in your hair. It was not long ago I cried out in pain when I heard of your death, but now I remain silent, watching with cool disdain as you pass below me. There is still pain, but it is muted from the rest of the galaxy. It is my pain and not to be shared, but regardless, I curse the day I met you.
Angel, I had called you then for I was naïve to what you really were. It was love at first sight, despite my age. I thought you were the most beautiful and kind creature to grace the mortal plane, blind to the darkness that lurked around you. I gave you my heart within minutes and made you a gift to prove it. A tiny pendant of japor, not as elegant as the jewelry a queen or senator would normally wear, but built with all the love in my soul. A gift that…
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
No! In your hand, it cannot be. I can see it from here, despite its small size, that pendant I made for you all those years ago. I’ve seen it round your neck in life, and now it is clutched in your lifeless hand. Are you trying to mock me from beyond the grave and pretend that you actually cared.
“Come away with me. Help me raise our child. Leave everything else behind while we still can.” No! Why do my memories of you torment me. My eyes burn with tears that want to fall, but can’t. My body if fighting against the steady cadence of the machinery that is keeping me alive, deep in my soul I know I just want to die, to be with you. Why do you still have this effect on me?
“I’m so in love.”
“No. No, it’s because I’m so in love with you.”
Despite my injuries, I think I do feel tears now, my love. I want to blame you for everything, but my heart won’t let me. I want there to be some darkness that shrouds you that justifies what happened, but the truth is… I was the darkness.
I'd take another chance
Take a fall
Take a shot for you
If you only listened to me and waited, everything would have been all right. I was trying to protect you, my angel. You must have known I could not bear to lose you. You were always my light, guiding me to all the joys and beauty of our world and in one careless act I destroyed you. It was my hand I raised to you in anger and my hand that took you from me.
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But that's nothing new
Yeah yeah
I’m struggling to keep my balance and I am forced to look away from your carriage because it is too painful. I have nothing without you. My life is meaningless and inconsequential. You were the only thing that kept me going all through the Clone Wars, but I will never get to enjoy the end of the war with you for fate has mocked me.
All that I loved, my mother and now you are gone. My mother’s death was hard, but yours is unbearable, particularly since your murderer is not some faceless desert animal, but the very hand that longs to caress your face once more.
I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue
And you say
"Sorry" like the angel, heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...
I am sorry, my angel. You did not deserve this, you deserved better than me. You must know that I loved you, I still love you….
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I am sorry I ever doubted you, but I wish you would have listened to me. If I could rewind time I promise I would never strike you.
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
The sun is now set and your carriage must have passed by long ago because there are no more spectators. The ceremony must be over and you are truly gone. I pray the Force will give you peace, while I have none. I do not deserve it after all that I did to you. Now I will live out the rest of my tormented life without you as a penance for my crimes. Your light is gone and the darkness will be my companion now.
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah
It is late now and I cannot bear to stay here any longer. I will never return to Naboo, my Angel. This is not a place for a monster like me. It might be a meaningless gesture now that you are gone, but it is one I will live by. I know there is nothing I can do to make up for what I have done, so I will just go.
I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground...
You do not have to forgive me, my Angel. I do not expect you to. However, please know that despite all that has happened and the accusations I tried to throw at you, I love you and I always will.
-----signature-----
"Even accountants have imagination." - Vesper Lynd - Casino Royale
Angel #3 - An Obi-Wan fan lost in a world of Anakin fangirls!
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Lisbev
Registered:
May '08
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Date Posted:
7/1 11:06am
Subject:
RE: Apologize - V/P - Songfic
- Date Edited:
7/1 11:08am (1 edits total)
Edited By:
Lisbev
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No! In your hand, it cannot be. I can see it from here, despite its small size, that pendant I made for you all those years ago.
Amazing how the tiniest tokens of endearment can bring forth such powerful emotions. I’m glad it helped him realize Padmé didn’t betray him.
“ … the truth is… I was the darkness.”
Just WOW! First I was so angry at him for being so pigheaded, then every single word starting from when he saw the japor snippet made me all emotional and teary! 
 BEAUTIFUL and so very poignant. 
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ROTSFan
Registered:
Jul '06
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Date Posted:
7/1 11:37am
Subject:
RE: Apologize - V/P - Songfic
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Wonderful and so sad! You made a brilliant transition from Vader not believing she deserved his forgiveness to him knowing he didn't deserve hers. I always love it in a fic when he gets real and takes responsibility for his actions.
Despite my injuries, I think I do feel tears now, my love. I want to blame you for everything, but my heart won’t let me. I want there to be some darkness that shrouds you that justifies what happened, but the truth is… I was the darkness.
So true.
The sun is now set and your carriage must have passed by long ago because there are no more spectators. The ceremony must be over and you are truly gone. I pray the Force will give you peace, while I have none. I do not deserve it after all that I did to you. Now I will live out the rest of my tormented life without you as a penance for my crimes. Your light is gone and the darkness will be my companion now.
God, how very sad. He stayed there so long because he was in shock. All those years of pain and darkness certainly were an even price to pay for the crimes he committed.
-----signature-----
Reincarnation: (post ROTS V/A/P AU) Vader encounters a cloned Padme. http://boards.theforce.net/message.asp?topic=21382105&replies=7 Nominated--Best Collaborative Work FanFic Awards 2007 Fics in profile; ask me to unlock
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Gina
Registered:
Jun '03
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Date Posted:
7/1 1:23pm
Subject:
RE: Apologize - V/P - Songfic
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The ceremony must be over and you are truly gone. I pray the Force will give you peace, while I have none. I do not deserve it after all that I did to you. Now I will live out the rest of my tormented life without you as a penance for my crimes. Your light is gone and the darkness will be my companion now.
Heartbreaking!
Beautiful job showing the turmoil of emotions he was going through - all the rage, anger, guilt, love.
Again, lovely work! 
-----signature-----
A long time ago in a house far away, there was a mother who was strong in the ways of the Force.
She "forced" her sons to clean their room, she "forced" her sons to behave.
- Part of a story written by my 9 yr. old sons I found while cleaning their desks
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Anakin_Heartbreaker
Registered:
Sep '04
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Date Posted:
7/1 2:23pm
Subject:
RE: Apologize - V/P - Songfic
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WOW! 
That was just...WOW!
Do the words Totally Blown Away make any sense to you?
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jmsbndgrl
Registered:
Dec '04
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Date Posted:
7/2 5:25pm
Subject:
RE: Apologize - V/P - Songfic
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Lisbev: Yes, this one was pretty angsty, but aside from that I am glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading.
ROTSFan: I have a lot of "delusional" Sith Lords in my fics, so it was time to write something where one realized they did some dumb things. Of course, it would have been better if he renounced Sidious then and there and did not torment the galaxy through episodes IV-VI, but then there would be no Star Wars and then where would we all be.  Thanks for reading.
Gina:  Thank you!
Anakin_Heartbreaker: Yes, but I'm not sure if I deserve them.
To Everybody: Thanks for reading. I know this one was much darker than some of my other stuff, so I appreciate the support. 
-----signature-----
"Even accountants have imagination." - Vesper Lynd - Casino Royale
Angel #3 - An Obi-Wan fan lost in a world of Anakin fangirls!
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little_miss_jedi
Registered:
Aug '05
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Date Posted:
7/3 12:27am
Subject:
RE: Apologize - V/P - Songfic
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Liar! The truth was I loved you and was too blind to see you for what you truly were. I called you my angel, but in reality you were a serpent waiting for the right time to strike and kill me. You of all people must have known what your betrayal would do to me. I never hid my feelings from you, I never could.
Graaah! That is brainwashed Vader at his...well, most-brainwashed.
very well done! You tore my heart out completely! Beautiful work!
-----signature-----
"You power crazed, obnoxious, ludicrous little jerk." Don't Go: http://boards.theforce.net/Message.aspx?topic=28203894&brd=10476&replies=0 Jacen? Caedus? Doesn't matter! I love him anyway!
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tamiki
Registered:
Jul '05
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Date Posted:
7/3 2:27pm
Subject:
RE: Apologize - V/P - Songfic
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Loved this. Very welldone description of Vaders growing insight in his own self-inflicted tragedy.
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jmsbndgrl
Registered:
Dec '04
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Date Posted:
7/4 10:07am
Subject:
RE: Apologize - V/P - Songfic
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little_miss_jedi: For Vader it is easy to be angry and blames his problems on someone else. He's in pain on multiple levels over what he did, so he's trying to push some of that aside. He comes around eventually. Anyways, glad you enjoyed it, thanks for reading.
tamiki: Thanks for reading.
-----signature-----
"Even accountants have imagination." - Vesper Lynd - Casino Royale
Angel #3 - An Obi-Wan fan lost in a world of Anakin fangirls!
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HandmaidenVeme
Registered:
Jun '04
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Date Posted:
7/6 9:47pm
Subject:
RE: Apologize - V/P - Songfic
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He talked a mean talk until he saw the snippet...and then the flood wall opened.
Great job!!!
(again today it was Vader's voice on the GPS-LOL!!!!!!!...and our journey to the darkside was once agian complete...)
-----signature-----
Angel #1 the "Mischievous" one
"Anakin Skywalker's Towel Girl"
Team Edward!
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Helen_Taft
Registered:
Mar '08
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Date Posted:
7/8 3:11am
Subject:
RE: Apologize - V/P - Songfic
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I am all choked up! I have this lump in my throat. What an excellent songic. You've ripped out my heart with this. *speechless* Having Vader go through such tortorous mental processes of shifting blame, railing at her and then mentally humbling himself for having destroyed everything, and knowing that his life is now nothing more than a punishment. Wow! Beautifully done.
You do not have to forgive me, my Angel. I do not expect you to. However, please know that despite all that has happened and the accusations I tried to throw at you, I love you and I always will.
I now need to go and have a good cry!
-----signature-----
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jmsbndgrl
Registered:
Dec '04
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Date Posted:
7/8 8:39pm
Subject:
RE: Apologize - V/P - Songfic
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HandmaidenVeme: Yeah I did make Vader pretty angsty in this one. And by the way, I was not surprised that you had a GPS system with Vader's voice, I did after all aide and abet is a certain someone's chase of various Vaders and Anakins at C4. However, I was more surprised that your family let you have said GPS system. 
Helen_Taft: I'm glad you enjoyed it despite how dark it was. Thanks for reading.
-----signature-----
"Even accountants have imagination." - Vesper Lynd - Casino Royale
Angel #3 - An Obi-Wan fan lost in a world of Anakin fangirls!
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