Perle_Des_Antilles posted:""Please hit me with as much criticism as you dare"" Do you really mean that? The general range of comment on this board seems to be from warm to fulsome, so I'm a little skeptical. 8) OK, here goes: I like the feel of the interactions between the two main characters. The idea of using the hypnotic sky lanes as a focus for meditation is very good. Like a lot of inexperienced writers you tend to go for overly fancy words (witness the use of "cerulean" in many stories to describe blue eyes). In this case you write "traverse across. " "Traverse" means to cross, so the phrase is redundant. But it's also too fancy to describe crossing a balcony. Notice you paint a very good picture of the changing sky with rather simple color words. Use the right word for the context, not the "literary" word. When being sarcastic we say the opposite of what we're really thinking. So Qui-Gon is not being sarcastic when he's says "they're all cowards." He's being candid about his beliefs. Had he said "they're all very brave," when he obviously thought the opposite, *that* would be sarcastic. I hope you find this helpful.
DaenaBenjen42 posted:I'm not going to do a total critique here, but... I liked these two talking about where they were and how the negotiations would go, if there were negotiations at all. "Now, my young padawan, clear your mind of questions and gaze at the hypnotic skylanes." That was my favorite line. It was all good, but that one stood out for me. Well done.
Perle_Des_Antilles posted:OK, I'm very glad you didn't take offense; certainly none was intended. I think writers feel as if their stories are their babies and the least criticism feels as if they're being told "your baby is ugly!" But everyone wins when writers improve. About "experienced," it would certainly include someone who has had work published or at least critiqued by a professional. But it can also mean someone who's been writing long enough and gotten enough feedback that her style has developed and matured. (I have only written non-fiction myself.) About fancy writing, I'll give you the same example a professor gave my husband. "don't write: "the conflagration consumed the edifiice." Do write: "the house burned down." The two sentences convey the same information but the first one is polysyllabic, and some readers might not know the words. The second is punchier, conveys the information and keeps the story moving. Similarly "cerulean" would send people off to the dictionary. (Except it's become almost a joke to describe Anakin's eyes that way.) A character who always speaks that way can sound pompous. If everyone speaks that way then you don't have varied characters. Synonyms aren't really interchangeable in all contexts: consider smell, stench, stink, odor, aroma, fragrance, perfume, olfactory sensation. Certainly there's a time and a place for the "literary" and I thought your description of the sky was right in that way. But "traverse" seems to me to convey great distances: "the pioneers traversed the plains in covered wagons." It seems awfully fancy for a mere crossing of a balcony; save it for a majestic vast space that needs to be covered, perhaps over many days. In any case, I'm certainly looking forward to learning the truth about Master Sifo-Dias. Is he humanoid?
GuNgAnFaN3090 posted:I liked it. I don't think there is anything bad to say. I really liked how you showed the relationship between Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan. Keep up the good work! When do you plan on updating? I would like to read more.
GuNgAnFaN3090 posted:Great job once again! There were a few parts I liked: "Politely nodded to those who were not meditating." That is a great line. "he couldn't suppress his laughter, letting out a quiet chuckle." I loved this line because it reminds me of after Qui-Gon and darth maul fight on tatooine, Qui-Gon gets away and introduces Obi-Wan and Anakin. Then Qui-Gon lets out a little chuckle. The last one I really liked was "'rebellious nature'". That just struck me as funny.
GuNgAnFaN3090 posted:I can't wait! I forgot to add: If you have a PM list please add me!