Allowances (Qui-Gon POV vignette, during TPM)

For lack of a better phrase, I decided to try on Qui-Gon's cloak and walk a mile in his oversized boots. Or, rather, a page-and-a-half in his boots. I tried to zoom in on how I saw Qui-Gon--so many people don't like him, or they worship him, and I tried to just... see him.

Quite possibly I failed. But, nevertheless, I'll be brave...

*dum-dum-dum* Here's the story!

_________________________

It is very hard for a Jedi to remain wholly innocent. It?s hard for me to even define what the word means. Certainly, I?m sure, it doesn?t mean me, or anything in the carefully catalogued archives of my soul. I?ve always defined the word by looking to Obi-Wan, who was always a child, who had never given up on the moral chessboard. He wouldn?t like it if he knew I thought of it that way?that, in the end, all that mattered was what side you chose and who well you could play the game. Obi-Wan believes, as he should, that there is something more?he believes that an individual can make a difference. If he constructed a chessboard, he?d remove all the pawns.

I haven?t been innocent for most of my adult years, and if there once was a speck of innocence inside of me, it has long since been eroded away into nothingness. If I?m lucky, its dust has managed to fall to Obi-Wan, who needs something between him and the outside world. He had the brightest eyes of any child that I?ve ever seen, and whatever lanterns burned inside of them didn?t dim as he went through his apprenticeship. The glow didn?t even falter when all I could offer him was a pat on the shoulder and a callused hand that was clumsy as he shook it.

That glow never faltered until today, when I put my hands on Anakin?s shoulders in a warm gesture that was allowed, and chained that boy into my footsteps. I didn?t have to turn around to see his eyes dim, all I had to do was hear his voice, absent of any dry humor that it had contained before.

?I am ready to face the Trials.?

He is cooler with me now, as he tries to walk with a Knight?s crisp, staccato stride, trying to sever his allegiance to me before I sever his braid. Before, he had been angry, and that had been something, there had been some spirit to tether him to his body, but now, he is far from me, and he offers only facts, things I could have seen for myself. I will miss his insight on the missions, and I suspect that I will have a hard time reigning in young Anakin, who burns all over but refuses to glow. Quite the fireball, my new ?pathetic lifeform.? Obi-Wan eyes him with noticeable distrust, fighting back his natural inclinations to be friendly, because he is jealous of this young one. He sees that I show far more affection to a sunburned child of the sand than I ever have to him.

Poor child?but not my child. That is the most important distinction that any Master can make. The Council remains disdainful of connections, and to consider an apprentice (nothing more than an employee, really) to be your child is beyond their collective belief. You must be joking, Qui-Gon, surely. And when they find out that you are not, in fact, joking, they become outraged. Compassion is fine, but how dare you value that one life above the others? Why in the galaxies, when it comes to it, would you chose to lose everything else for this one single person? Because you love them.

They remind you with that cold condescension that a Jedi shall not know love, and then they watch you from that tower, judgmental and waiting for you to make a mistake. And you will, of course. I did.

I tried to pretend like I?d been wrong, for a while, but there?s only so long that you can pretend that you don?t love this child that?s been so neatly inserted into your life. I spent so many nights putting my pillow up to my ears so that I wouldn?t hear Obi-Wan crying in a nightmare, but I finally got up and showed him that I was his father, that I was his Master, that it was going to be okay.

And it was a mistake. Then, Obi-Wan knew that I cared, and he waited for further signs?he waited for a hug,

 

I cannot stress enough the beauty of this vignette. That is powerful. In this, we truly see how cold the Jedi can be, and we even see the faint stirrings of why Anakin turned. He was like Obi-Wan - he got that comfort, for a brief time, and then he lost it. And then he lost his mother. I also loved how you presented Obi-Wan - that he doesn't believe in pawns. And I find it ironic, somehow, that Obi-Wan is right - because Luke and Anakin do change it all. An individual effects the universe.

And in Qui-Gon's lack of belief in this, we see a tired, somewhat cynical man who doesn't show his feelings, because he can't.

Even more ing is that Qui-Gon never lives to tell Obi-WAn that he wanted to be his father. He wanted to, but knew he had to wait until Obi-WAn's knighthood. But the future is uncertain, and that opportunity never arose. And I wonder - if that last touch across Obi-Wan's cheek by Qui-Gon was him saying, in his own way, what he could.

I don't know if I'm babbling, but that was beautiful. Amazing, beautiful work there, Lady_Moonbeam.

Wow.

[edit] You should submit this to the archive!

 

Aaww! It was beautiful! But so sad.... Thank you for sharing this vignette with us!

 

Wow, obaona. I can't tell you how much your spectacular feedback means to me. I was trying to un-romanticize my view of the Jedi for this story, and show that they can have serious failings, and from your lovely feedback, it seems that I succeeded.

I don't know if I'm babbling, but that was beautiful. Amazing, beautiful work there, Lady_Moonbeam.

Oh, feel free to babble! Detailed feedback is a wondeful thing.

I actually was thinking about trying to get this into the Archives. I still need someone to beta-read it, and I'm not sure if it would make it, but it's certainly worth a try!

Thank you, Nat. I'm glad I achieved effect--especially since this was one of the hardest things for me to write. Qui-Gon's pysche is exhausting!

 

*Sneaks in and foists her thread to the top*

At the risk of being cliche: Up!

 

That was one of the most spectacular things I have ever read, and I say that honestly.

You showed perfectly the dilemma that Qui-Gon faces, how much love is too much. And how much the council pressures him into not showing the affection that he would like

Bravo and keep up the fabulous work

 

Thanks, Arwen-Jade_Kenobi. I'm very flattered! I tried my best to show how Qui-Gon was conflicted.

 

Oooh, excellent, Moonbeam! I don?t usually wander into Qui-Gon stories, but I thought I better check it out and give it a chance. Considering I?ve never been able to relate to the character, at one or two parts in the vignette, things were hazy. The ending was perfect, as was the insert of a few one-liners in there. The Jedi seemed almost to the point of becoming a totalitarian society. The definition is freedom is being allowed to do what you wish, and the council seems to ignore this and introduce rules. I?d say it was kind of chilling.

You did an astounding job. And it?s very worthy of praise.

Am

 

*Grins happily* Feedback! And from Am! I consider myself honored--especially since, as you said, Qui-Gon isn't one of your favorite characters. Thank you. I tried to squeeze in a few one-line surprises, including the end--though my favorite was, Poor child--but not my child. In this, I attempted to form a less welcoming Order, and I hope I succeeded!

 

Wonderfully written! A very insightful look into Qui-Gon's feelings for Obi-Wan and the Council's rules that seem to create more problems than they solve.

Beautiful job.

 

Awsum vignette Lady Moonbeam

I am such a sucker for Qui & Obi...

I'm glad you put this in the index or I wouldn't have seen it.