Before - Legends FIC: Day Trip (JA Humor) *Completed 6/16/03*

Here's the first part of my newest humor story. To be posted over the course of several days.

Enjoy!



TITLE: Day Trip
AUTHOR: Obi the Kid (hlnkid@aol.com)
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: Humor. Pre-TPM. Obi-Wan is 13. Non-Slash. A day of shopping turns out to be a little more entertaining than anticipated for Qui-Gon and his nutty apprentice.
ARCHIVE: Please ask me first.
FEEDBACK: Always appreciated.
MY WEBSITE: http://www.angelfire.com/movies/obithekid/
DISCLAIMER: The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas Films Limited. The characters not recognizable from this venue are copyrighted to Tracy C. Knight. The story is the intellectual property of Tracy C. Knight and is copyrighted to her. She makes no profit from the writing or distribution of this story.

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Day Trip
=========


Obi-Wan Kenobi sat on the couch, staring thoughtfully at his master before speaking. ?How are your hands, Master??

?The same as yesterday. Useless, for the most part. And these huge bandages that Terran is making me wear. Could he find something a little less obvious? I look like a boxer.?

Qui-Gon Jinn had suffered severe burns on both hands two days ago when he had foolishly attempted to fix a blown engine on the shuttle that brought them home to Coruscant. Once landed, Qui-Gon insisted that he had heard a soft clicking sound right before engine 1 blew. Fixing it was no problem. Or so he thought. The master stuck his hands into the engine without thinking and the intense heat wasted no time in engulfing and burning both hands. The healers had worked quickly to treat the burns, but the damage had been done. Now as he sat across from his apprentice in the common area of their quarters he berated himself for his actions as he?d been doing since the accident happened.

?Master, I tried to tell you. But you?ve never listened to anything I?ve said before. Why start now, right??

?Obi-Wan, I don?t need a lecture. Thank you. Healer Terran had already provided that service.? The big man got up and moved to the kitchen, suddenly hungry. He sighed as he realized that he would need help today as he had for the past two days. Hands?useless indeed.

?Padawan, I need your help. Could you make breakfast for us??

Obi-Wan followed Qui-Gon into the kitchen. ?You treat me like dirt and then ask for my help. Is there something wrong with this picture??

?Without the commentary please.?

Reluctantly, the boy fixed breakfast. He then had to assist his master in getting the food from the plate to his mouth. Holding a fork with a large bite of pala-cake on it, Obi-Wan amused himself.

?Okay, Master. Open up. Here comes the speeder. Wait, you want a single engine or a double engine speeder? You know the difference is very distinguishable.?

Qui-Gon glared hard at his student. ?Obi-Wan??

?Come on, Master. You have to make the best out of a tough situation. You did something stupid. Deal with it and move on. Open your mouth before this pala-cake ends up on the floor.?

Once breakfast was over, Obi-Wan cleaned things up and then sat and exchanged bored glances with his master.

?So, what do we do now? I?m tired of sitting in our quarters and doing nothing. Let?s go somewhere, Master. You said the council is granting you temporary leave until your hands are better. Oh, I know, that new shopping plaza. It?s only a half hour from here by transport. Everyone keeps telling me about it. Can we go? Can we? Can we? Can we??

Qui-Gon sighed and rolled his eyes. Something he often found himself doing with his overzealous apprentice. He thought about it and could not come up with a valid excuse not to go. So he gave in. Rather easily to Obi-Wan?s surprise. ?Okay, we can go. But we have to take a public transport. Parking is horrible there. And I?m not up to walking three miles from the parking lot to the plaza just to go shopping.?

The boy slouched into his chair. ?Master, a public transport? Those people scare me. And they stare at me all the

 

"Open your mouth before this pala-cake ends up on the floor."
Funny ,funny I love it.

 

*cheers* Yay! A new Obi fic!! OTK, I just love all your stories, humor, angst, drama, whatever!

?Okay, Master. Open up. Here comes the speeder. Wait, you want a single engine or a double engine speeder? You know the difference is very distinguishable.?

The image that that scene brings to my head is too funny. I can already sense that this will turn out to be a great fic, as they always do. *gets on a seatbelt* Presuming this fic is going to be half as funny as your others, I do not want to be "rotfl," I want to stay in my chair laughing.

 

Thanks Pattty and Jess. Hmm, strapping on the seat belt already? Play it safe, that's always important! We can't have people falling out of chairs now, can we?

Thanks for reading! More to come.

Obi

 

?Master, I tried to tell you. But you?ve never listened to anything I?ve said before. Why start now, right??



Great start so far! Can't wait to read more!

EDIT:

I am so freaking sorry, OTK! I am so, so sorry! I didn't mean to post like that! I AM SO SORRY!

 

[nm]

 

[nm]

 

Hehe! Thats okay, Krystal! I figured you were having edit problems there! Thanks for reading!

Here's the next part!

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The transport ride was not a smooth one. The driver was fond of quick stops and sudden accelerations after a pick up. Obi-Wan had to hang on to Qui-Gon to keep from flying onto the floor.

//Padawan, let go of me. People are staring.//

//I told you they stare. I can?t let go. My young body can?t take this kind of abuse. I?ll end up on that nasty floor. That?s worse than the floor at the holo-theater. Look at that guy over there. He has five eyes, and you see where they are all pointed. He can look at me and you at the same time.//

//That?s not hard to do considering that you have plastered yourself to my side. Can you move over just a bit?//

The transport slammed on it?s brakes and Obi-Wan, despite the death hold he had on his master, landed onto the floor with a thud. The five-eyed alien moved towards him to help him stand. Obi-Wan flipped out.

?AHHHHHHHH! NO!! I don?t want to be your padawan. I wouldn?t know how to look you in the eye. Please go away. NOW!?

The stranger walked away, shrugging his shoulders and looking at the older Jedi.

Qui-Gon felt the need to say something. ?You?ll have to excuse my apprentice. He?s a bit on the abnormal side. I?ve known him for over a year now and I still haven?t figured him out.? //Obi-Wan get in this seat now. Stop embarrassing me.//

//I warned you about taking public transport, didn?t I? One day you?ll learn to listen to me.//

//Do you want to turn around right now and go home?//

//No, Master. I?m sorry. It?s just, having five eyes it?s kinda unnatural. I mean couldn?t they make it an even number? Like four? Or six?//

//Please be quiet for the rest of the trip.//

//I love you, Master.//

//Only because I have an even number of eyes.//

**********

The plaza was packed. People and aliens from all walks of life. Obi-Wan?s mouth dropped in awe as he saw the size of the place when he and his master walked inside.

?Master, can you believe this place? This is great. I?d like to live here.?

?We are just visiting. Hmm, which way should we go first??

Grabbing Qui-Gon?s robe, Obi-Wan pulled him to the left. ?This way. They have everything here. Can I get a job here, Master??

?No, you have a job as a peacekeeper of the galaxy. That will take up enough of your time.?

?But I could work at Cinny Buns. Or Siths R Us. Or?whoa. Trolldiva Chocolate. They have the best chocolate in the entire universe. Can we get some??

Obi-Wan peeked in the window at all the chocolate varieties laid out before him.

?Padawan, you are drooling.?

?Huh? Oh, sorry. These robes sure do come in handy sometimes.?

?Do not wipe your drool on your robe.?

?To late. Master, I want some of that chocolate. Please??

Qui-Gon glanced at the prepackaged boxes in the front window. Then he got around to the credit tag. ?Fifty credits for a box of twelve candies? They have got to be kidding. Unless this chocolate sprouts legs and walks home under it?s own power, there is no way I am paying that much for candy. We?ll find a cheaper store, Obi-Wan. Besides these are all shaped like little sith trolls.?

?Oh, they are. Why didn?t I notice that??

?You were to busy drooling into your robe. Come on, much more of this place to see, let?s not spend all our time staring at chocolate.?

They walked for a few minutes before stopping in a small store called TVS. It was part drug store and part basic needs store. Qui-Gon was quite limited with browsing since he could not use his hands, so he spent a lot of time staring at things. Obi-Wan had detached himself from the older Jedi?s side to roam around the store. He came running back a few moments after he?d vanished.

?Master! Chancellor Val?Vel?Valu?rum?whatever is back there. I think he?s buying that sleeping drug.?

?Valium??

?Yes, that?s it. Chancellor Valium. He?s trying to keep a low profile I think

 

I always enjoy your fics!! LOL, Obi and Qui on a shopping spree....got to love it.

And the public transport...poor Qui-Gon. Obviously they should let the initiates out more often if they are afraid of using public busses although I can understand Obi's discomfort.

Looking forward to more....

 

Thanks, Diane! I agree. Get these youngsters out into the world, so nutty things like this don't happen!

Thanks for the comments!

Obi

 

Your stories never stop to amuse me! Funniest thing I have read in a long time... since your last fic, in fact. Great job, I can't wait to read more.

 

TOO cute! Now I know how my mom used to feel with me!

 

Krystal and Jeanie, Thank you!

Nothing like a good take your padawan out shopping story to get ya going!

 

//No, Master. I?m sorry. It?s just, having five eyes it?s kinda unnatural. I mean couldn?t they make it an even number? Like four? Or six?//

//Please be quiet for the rest of the trip.//

//I love you, Master.//

//Only because I have an even number of eyes.//

You never fail to make me laugh, Obi. I loved Obi and Qui out shopping. And the trasport scene was hilarious. Awesome, purely awesome.

 

Ah, Thanks Jess! You make me laugh first thing in the morning here at work! Here's the next part!

=====================


They continued their stroll, stopping next at a pet supply store. Obi-Wan stopped in his tracks when he glanced in the window. He saw Master Adi inside. ?Master, can I go say hi??

?Sure, harass a council member. Why not??

Obi-Wan entered the aisle where he saw Master Adi and yelled from where he was at the end of it. ?Master Adi! Hi.?

?Ah, Kenobi. Hello. What brings you to the plaza??

?A public transport, why??

?No, that?s not?oh never mind. How are you??

?Great. What are you shopping for??

?Snake food.?

It took all of Obi-Wan?s will power to not burst out laughing in the councilor?s face. ?I see. That?s nice. I have to go now. Bye.?

?Such a strange child,? she replied to herself before turning back to the task at hand.

Meanwhile, Obi-Wan had run out to Qui-Gon who was waiting on the bench in the middle of the aisle. He slid to a stop and then quickly sat down.

?Obi-Wan, do you realize how pathetic all these men look who are sitting on these benches all up and down this plaza? They are all holding purses and have this look to them that they?d much rather be some place else. This is sad.?

?Pathetic life forms. Right up your alley. Anyway, I said hi to Master Adi. Do you know what she?s doing in there??

?Should I??

?She is buying snake food. Her hair is hungry! Oh man. That just about killed me. Snake food. They don?t call her Medusa for nothing.?

Qui-Gon managed his large frame from the bench and ushered his apprentice towards another store. ?If you insist on making fun of council members, please do so when they are not nearby. Keep moving.?

*********

?Master, what are all these little kiosks in the middle of the plaza? Are these people to cheap to be able to afford an entire store??

?No, Obi-Wan. I am sure they are all fine retailers. It?s just cheaper this way and takes fewer employees to run a small stand like this.?

?Then they are to cheap. I told you.? He stopped moving his lips long enough to see a familiar gray haired man two stands down. ?Healer Terran! And he?s at the glove stand. Oh, smart move. Mr. Cold Hands will be no longer. Warm them suckers up.?

Qui-Gon was looking elsewhere. A salon had caught his attention.

?Master, you can get your hair done there. I bet they have those curlers that you love so much. Did you want to go in and see??

The master didn?t answer, but moved towards the shop. The place was booming with business. Everyone seemed busy with something. The Jedi pair took a look around and began to see familiar faces.

In the back corner, Obi-Wan spotted a dark figure with a numerous strips of cloth covering his bald head. ?Is that?that?s Master Windu. Is he getting his head waxed? That?s how he gets his head so shiny. To bad I didn?t bring my image recorder with me. A picture of that would make me the most popular padawan in the temple.?

?Oh, they?re going to rip the strips off?OUCH!!!!?

?I don't care what universe you're from, that has GOT to hurt! Master don?t ever let me go with the bald look. It?s just?painful. At least we know now why Master Windu is so unhappy and cranky all the time. If I had to go through that, I?d be cranky too.?

Qui-Gon moved towards the display rack where the salon products were being sold. He eyed the curlers as his padawan continued to watch Mace suffer in pain. Several high voices startled the master.

?Qui-Gon? Qui-Gon Jinn? That is you. Hi, honey! Where have you been? Oh, your hair looks very nice. Doesn?t it girls??

The short, round woman reached up and touched his hair and turned to the others who were just behind her. Three other women. All of whom seemed to know Qui-Gon very well. They giggled when he turned around. ?Ladies. It?s uh?good to see you all again.?

?It?s good to see you too, you sexy thing you. How do you keep your hair so soft and manageable??

By now, Obi-Wan had stepped

 

OTK this is great so far I always love your humour stories, you have this wonderful way of portraying Obi and Qui in a humorous light

Looking forward to the next post

 

Immediately the women attacked Obi-Wan with cheek pinches and hair ruffles.

?He?s adorable.?

?He?s so cute. Can I take him home with me??

//This is angst, Master. I expect mush to follow.//

?Where did you find this one, Qui-Gon? He?s so handsome.?

Obi-Wan?s face was contorted in pain from all the pinches. Finally the group moved back a few steps. //Master, they DO travel in herds.//

//Quiet. They are nice ladies. Yappy too. You?d get along nicely with them.//

?So, sweetie, how?s that sexy Qui-Gon dance of yours coming along??

//MASTER! You danced for them? Give me something to chew on quick, before I start laughing my butt off.//

//Shut up, Obi-Wan.//

//Should I dance for them too?//

*starts to fall off chair, but seatbelt holds her in* Too funny! The hair curlers for Qui were hilarious!! And the ladies?? Obi-Wan is cute and adorable, though. Great update, Obi. I just love these fics.

 

Ginger and Jess, THANKS! Stay IN your chairs!

Next part...coming up here!

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Once again they strolled into the main part of the plaza. They walked past the salon again just in time to see Mace getting the wax strips yanked off his legs. Qui-Gon nodded.

?So that?s how he gets his legs to match his head.?

?You should try that, Master. You have more hair on your legs than??

?Obi-Wan!?

?Sorry. Let?s get away from this place. I need candy.?

?You just told me that you wouldn?t be eating anymore sugar.?

?Not to eat now. For later?tomorrow. Candy store alert. Right there. And it?s not expensive like that Trolldiva place. Uh oh?is that Poofy? He?s looking at the lollipops. He must think they are relatives or something. Look, he?s mocking them. Baaaack and forrrrrrth. On second thought, I don?t need candy that badly.?

While Obi-Wan was yapping, Qui-Gon remembered that he was out of duct tape. And the store just ahead was the perfect place to buy a new roll. Troll Depot.

?Obi-Wan, over here. I need to buy something here.?

They walked in and stood for a second, allowing their eyes to adjust to the green color that abounded throughout the store.

?This place smells like Master Yoda?s quarters. What do you need here, Master??

?Duct tape. I thought I had bought two rolls a couple weeks ago, but I can?t find them. You haven?t seen them, have you??

?Lalalalalala.?

?That?s what I thought. Excuse me, sir, could you tell me where you have duct tape??

The clerk who stood at the customer service desk looked up at Qui-Gon. ?On aisle C-3 it is. Go there you will.?

?Thank you.?

Obi-Wan whispered to his master as they wandered away from the desk. ?He sounds like Master Yoda, but he?s not a troll. What?s up with that??

The paging system went off: ?Clean up on aisle B-4 there is. Fall on my butt I did. Clean it up now you will.?

?Now THAT sounds like Master Yoda. You think he works here? What aisle did they say the clean up was on??

?B-4.?

?Before what??

?No, B-4. Wait, never mind. You?re just trying to play with my mind. Ah, here we are. Duct tape. So many colors. I thought it just came in gray. What color would you like, Obi-Wan??

?Why are you asking me??

?You are the one who will end up wearing it. What color won?t clash with your pale face??

?Funny. How about plaid.?

?No, who makes plaid tape anyway?

?Red.?

?Sith.?

?Green.?

?Troll.?

?White.?

?Pale on pale is not a good idea.?

?Pink.?

?Matches my curlers.?

?Blue.?

?Reminds me of death.?

?Purple.?

?To pimpish.?

?Orange.?

?Frog-like.?

?Master! Then you pick it.?

?Let?s just go with traditional gray.?

?You make things so complicated sometimes. Can we look around before we pay for this??

?No. Grab that gray roll there. Let?s move.?

********

The day rolled on and the hours passed by. Qui-Gon?s legs were tired, but Obi-Wan was still bouncing.

?Master, can I get a new pair of boxers? My troll head ones are worn out.?

?I suppose that?s okay. That store there would sell them. Here, grab some credits and go ahead in. I?ll wait out here. I need to rest my feet.?

?But I need to try them on and need your opinion.?

?Find someone in there to ask.?

?You want me to ask a complete stranger about my underwear??

?Yes.?

?Okay. Bye, Master.?

Obi-Wan hurried into the store and wasted no time finding the boxers. So many different designs and materials he was unsure which to try. Finally he decided on a pair with small blue ghosts on them. He grabbed the hanger and found the fitting room. He got the boxers on before he realized that there was no mirror in the stall he was in, so he had to go out into the main area of the fitting room. The boy stuck his head through a small crack in the door to make sure there was no one around who would see him. Then he snuck out. As he posed in front of the mirror, he felt a creepy presence behind him. He turned around to see a man standing i

 

That was definately the funniest installement yet!!

?Red.?

?Sith.?

?Green.?

?Troll.?

?White.?

?Pale on pale is not a good idea.?

?Pink.?

?Matches my curlers.?

?Blue.?

?Reminds me of death.?

?Purple.?

?To pimpish.?

?Orange.?

?Frog-like.?


And Obi-Wan trying on boxers? Hahahahahahaha!!! I loved it when Palpatine was trying them on too, and Obi ran out of the store screaming. I can't wait to see the next store they go to. You know, these laughing faces ----> , don't do justic to how much I was laughing during that part...

 

Obi saw Palpatine in boxers!?!?! poor boy!

Great update OTK!

 

Thanks Jess and Ginger! Palpy in boxers is a SCARY thing, ain't it?


Obi

 

at least it wasnt briefs....

 

GAH! What a horrible thought, PaddyJuan!


Here's the next part. The last part will post tomorrow morning.

=======



********

Qui-Gon was beyond tired now. He legs were moving slower and slower. But since the encounter with Palpatine and the boxers, Obi-Wan was much more subdued. So Qui-Gon decided he?d stick things out at the plaza as long as Obi-Wan wanted to stay.

?Master, I have to go.?

?I thought you wanted to shop some more.?

?No, I have to GO.?

?Oh, I see. Okay. Where is the restroom around here??

?I don?t know. But I really need to find one and soon. I think my Barrel O Baja juice has caught up with me.?

?I told you.?

?Please, Master. This is no time for an ?I told you so? lecture. We need to find a restroom.?

They stopped at a map of the plaza. Qui-Gon traced his hand bandage to the place where it said: You are here.

?Padawan, we are here.?

?Where is here, Master? Is here near a restroom? Please say yes.?

Obi-Wan had crossed his legs and bent his waist over slightly to try and quell the urge. But it wasn?t working.

?According to this map, we are here, and the closest restroom is way over here. I think it?s back near that Cinny Bun place.?

?WHAT? It may as well be on Alderaan then. Why can?t they put one on this end of the plaza? I won?t make it there, Master. This is getting ugly.?

They quickly made their way back in the direction that they believed Cinny Bun?s to be. But things were looking bleak. They were lost in the plaza.

?Master, please just ask someone. I will become a human sprinkler soon if you don?t.?

?I don?t need to ask anyone. I?m not lost. Jedi have an superb sense of direction. The Force will lead us to the restroom.?

?Just admit you are lost and ASK! PLEASE!?

?Okay, okay.? He left Obi-Wan cross legged on a bench and stuck his head into the nearest store. Obi-Wan watched him nod and point a few times before turning to come back.

?Well??

?Uh, you remember that ?You are here? map that we looked at before??

?Yes.?

?See that map across the aisle??

?Master! That?s the same map. You took me in a circle! Superb sense of direction, huh? That?s it. Just give me a cup or a potted plant. I can?t hold it any longer.?

?You are NOT doing such a thing. We will find this restroom.?

?I can?t get up, Master. I mean it. If I do, it?s all over.?

?Okay, just sit there until things uh?calm down.?

Loud laughing and giggles descended on the pair as they sat there. Qui-Gon turned and saw Ralana and her small group closing in.

?Qui-Gon, honey! You?re still here. And there?s that adorable boy of yours. What?s wrong with him? Is he in pain? Why does his face look like that??

?To much baja juice and the restroom is?elusive.?

?Oh, come with me sweetie. I know all of the employees at Siths R Us. You can use the employee restroom there.? Ralana took Obi-Wan?s hand and slowly led him to the store not to far away.

When Obi-Wan returned, he looked like he was about to fall over.

?Padawan??

?Wow. Master, I feel soooo much better. Like a transport bus has been lifted off of my bladder. Thank you, Ms. Ralana. I owe you. Any time you ever need a hug, you look me up.?

?You are so cute. You definitely need to keep this boy, Qui-Gon. But anyway, we have to go. Bye now.?

Once they were gone, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan began the plaza walk again.

?Are you tired, Master? You look exhausted. We can go home now if you want to.?

?We can stay a bit longer.?

They slowly made their way down the center of the plaza. Eventually they stumbled onto a place that did ear piercing. The pair stopped to watch the next customer in line. Obi-Wan had wanted an earring since Master Brazo had appeared with one the previous year.

?Can I get one today, Master??

?Obi-Wan I told you no earrings. I don?t care what Brazo has. You will have hole-free ears while you are my apprentice.?

?Can I at least watch how it?s done? I think that guy there is gonna have his do

 

I swear I've been to that mall. Can never find a bathroom when you need it!

As for Master Bren buying Qui-Gon a thong...well, that's a visual that I will keep for a while.

So Master Bren loves Qui-Gon's "sexy Master" dance...LOL.

Keep it coming...

 

omg hilarious stuff!! good stuff! ow...my sides...are aching...