Saga A New Pope, The Umpire Strikes Out, and The Return of the Cheddar, as told in a humorous lump by Obi

Yo ya'all!! Yes, this is a repost of my SW spoof, not that there are likely to be many repeat readers, since I posted all five episodes in one sunday afternoon!!! I was a newly joined member and I got...erm, carried away by enthusiasm. But I've been feeling low today, and I wanted to reread this, and I thought, 'what the heck' and so I'm reposting it. The title of the story will change when I post a new episode, so don't be surprised when the title is different!!

Okay, Ep. 1 is told from Qui-Gon's point of view, so we can all see how really horrible darling Obi-Wan is!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Real Story Of Star Wars
as told by Qui-Gon Jinn
The Dancing Menace



Qui-Gon: My old apprentice got to tell every body the ?real? story of the original trilogy, so I decided to tell the real story of TPM, because I didn?t really die either. I want you to know, I was the really cool guy in the whole story, I was completely in charge the entire time, and nobody gave me all the credit I deserved. It?s not fair. I work and slave and nobody ever says thank you or...never mind. This is the real story....

Episode MMCXXXIV

The galaxy is, as usual,
in trouble.
the Sith have again risen,
the Jedi are confused,
the galactic senate is in turmoil,
and Naboo has placed a fourteen year old girl in charge of everything.

Everyone desperately needs some help,
normal Jedi are useless,
no one knows what to do,
then two Jedi are called in,
one, the young and incredibly handsome
Obi-Wan Kenobi,
the amazing hero,
he can and will save them all,
and also Qui-Gon,
who Obi-Wan just brought along to pay expenses
and drive the speeders, since Obi-Wan is under age.

So everyone waits, confused and hopeless,
wishing for the legendary Obi-Wan Kenobi....




Qui-Gon: Captain, tell them we wish to board immediately.
Captain: I don?t want to board, they?ll just blow me up.
Obi-Wan: Board!!!
Captain: Yes, sir.
Qui-Gon: Just for the records, I told Obi-Wan (nine years ago) I wanted him to feel what it?s like to have a little leadership.
Obi-Wan: Did I say you could speak?? Be quiet you piece of filth.
Qui-Gon: It was a bad idea.

*we boarded, and went to a little ugly room, I gave Obi-Wan a serious talking to that ended, as usual, with him bursting into tears and asking for a hug*

Obi-Wan: Heh heh, speak!
Qui-Gon: Woof.
Obi-Wan: That?s great, now beg.
Qui-Gon: Can?t I have something different for my reward?? These dog biscuits really increase my dentist bill.
Obi-Wan: Shut up, you tomato stem.
Qui-Gon: That?s a really weird insult....

*Obi-Wan threw his rock at me, then the room filled with poisonous gas*

Obi-Wan: Man, I hate it when this happens.

*Obi-Wan fought us out, using all the techniques I taught him*

Obi-Wan: Hey! I just discovered I can walk on the ceiling. How come you can?t do that Qui-Gon??
Qui-Gon: Uh, Walk-on-the-ceiling-like-a-fly phobia. And I?m afraid of wasps.
Obi-Wan: How many wasps are on the ceiling of a Nimodian cruiser??
Qui-Gon: Uh......

*then we ran (Qui-Gon Jinn on the floor, Obi-Wan Moroni on the ceiling), we tried to capture the head Nimodian type peoples, but completely failed, thanks to Obi-Wan*

Obi-Wan: Qui-Gon, you idiot, why are you running away, we?ve almost won!!
Qui-Gon (from a very far away distance): I?m allergic to destroyer droid laser fire, come on!!

*poor Obi-Wan was scared, so we left, and hid. then we hid in two different ships and smuggled down to the planet, Naboo*

Qui-Gon: Ahhhhhhhh! Obi-Wan!!!! Shoot these droid off me!!!!!!
Obi-Wan (couple of slices and they?re smoking on the ground): How many times have I told you not to tease battle droids. They just can?t take a joke!
Qui-Gon (little kid ashamed voice): I only threw a couple of rocks at them.....Oooo, look at that, a big frog man. Can I keep him??
Obi-Wan: No, shut up and follow me.
Qui-Gon (whisper): Come on frog man, I?ll smuggle you along in my sl

 

ROFLOL Yeah! I get to respond first!!!! This is so cute!!!

I love the frogman/peanut butter part, really cute.

LOL yes, we all knew that the REALL reason for landing on Tantooine wasn't to pick up some random hyperdrive...That only controls the ship...

 

Hey Klea, girlfriend! Sorry I haven't been in touch, but school is dragging my life like a pair of milstone earings!!

Oh, sure, we all know that girls really control the universe, we just let guys have the titles because we like them!!

-Nio

 

i like that ending a lot better. And I definitely think the tatooine situation went a lot better in this version. Funny story!

 

I like it. It was funny and clever I thought.

 

A Tax On The Clones


A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far far away...

Star Wars

Once again, everyone is in trouble
once again, a hero is needed
once again, the incompetent idiots put in charge are failing fast.

Two hearts beat as one,
two people can save them all,
two hearts in love,
will they save everyone?? Of course not.

Jedi aimlessly shoot at things,
Obi-Wan is still in the middle of things
Yoda is learning Kung-Fu,
Ani is turning to the dark side,
and Padme isn?t getting any younger.

What do they do?? Read on and find out....

(My ship flies into Corascant, ship puts down, explosion happens, queen decoy dead, blah blah you?ve seen it)

Padme: No!!!
Corde: My....queen....I?ve....failed you.....I...ate....rocky road ice cream.

(My handmaiden dies)

Padme: No...no....these handmaiden thingys are expensive!!! Captain, call in Obi ?n Ani, I want revenge!!!
Captain: Right-oh.

(while later, after I had changed)

Ani: I?m so nervous, what if she?s changed??
Obi: Uh, shut up and quit concentrating on your heart, your feelings, your thoughts, and your mind. Of course she?s changed.
Ani: Oh, sorry. Yes master.
Obi: And quit calling me master. You?re just trying to make me feel my age.
Ani: Yes master.

(Ani and Obi came in. Ani was twice my height, and just as ugly as usual.)

Obi: Yo! You?re looking well. You want revenge?? Revenge you?ll get!!
Padme: Good. Ani, close your mouth and quit drooling.
Ani: My....angel...
Padme: Yeah yeah yeah. Whatever. Back to business, can you catch this guy??
Obi: Yes. By the way, he?s a gal, not a guy.
Padme: How do you know that??
Obi: Jedi instinct, genius, feelings, the force, and she left her driver?s license on the platform.
Padme: Ah.

(So anyway, Ani ?n Obi promised to protect me, and catch this idiot.)

Obi: Ani, why are you watching a movie??
Ani: I was bored.
Obi: Huh??
Ani: She turned off the screen so I couldn?t watch her any more.
Obi: She stupider than I thought.

(This remark nettled Ani, and he and Obi got into a fist fight.)

Ani: Dim-witted toydarien!!
Obi: Love-struck bantha!!

(They quit fighting for a moment, to save me from some bugs, and then went back to fighting.)

Padme: Hey!! Aren?t you going to catch that droid???
Obi: I?m a little busy.
Padme: Ani, get your fist out of your master?s mouth, and quit smacking him with that iron lamp. Obi, go fetch.

(Obi leapt out of the window, but (being a little late in his cue) fell into empty space)

Padme: Go save that oaf you call master, and catch that droid!!!!!!
Ani: Yes my sweet Eago angel.
Padme: Huh??

(Ani didn?t answer, but ran out of the room, first falling over a stool.)

(--narrative is switching over to Ani--)

Ani: Ooo. Cool speeder.

(I stood there for about five minutes, just staring into space. After all, this was the best chance I?d had in a long time to lose that Cretin (Obi))

Ani: I choose.......the orange and poka-dotted blue one!

(I flew it at neck breaking speed, and.....was too late.)

Obi: (rubbing neck) I hate it when you do that.
Ani: I knew there was sticker bushes underneath you, that?d break your fall.
Obi: Break is right. AND YOU DID NOT KNOW THERE WERE STICKER BUSHES UNDERNEATH ME, THEY ONLY COVERED A SQUARE FIVE INCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ani: Okay, okay. I wanted you to die. Happy??
Obi: Uh.....not really....

(We chased the droid about fifteen minutes, then, with out warning, the droid blew up.)

Obi: Uh, was it supposed to do that??
Ani: Not sure.

(Then a shot flew right past us, and singed my beautiful hair...oh yeah, and Obi?s, too.)

Obi: Well, I?ve been meaning to get mine cut for the past nine years anyway...

(I lost the gal, and then leapt out of the speeder to catch her the hard way.)

Obi: Actually, I tipped him out, but he never admits that.
Ani: Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *thud* Obi, you could have told me she was right underneath us!!!
Obi: I?d rather let you think you were about to die.
An

 

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!

That was hilarious! I laughed from the title to the end! Great job!

 

That was funny.

 

This is hilarious! I love it! And your jokes are obviously subtle. I love it!

 

replies after the 1st post:
DarthIshtar: Thanks! Sometimes a different ending is refreshing...or just pathetic. But I usually crack myself up, so I keep going.

CrystalKenobi: Clever?? Funny?? Guess which sweet compliment I aspire to more often!! My priorities aren't straight, they're dancing a jig in alternate universes.

replies to post 2:
amidalachick: I love making people laugh. I mean intentionally, but accidental is sometimes okay too. I got a mental block on the ATOC title because all that ever would pop in my mind was Attack of the Clowns, which has been used, I think I thought up this title at 12 o'clock while lying in bed and imagining Palpatine doing the paper work for all those clones...

CrystalKenobi: Thanks again!!!!!

Laine_Snowtrekker: Hilarious?? Moi?? Merci beaucoup!!!!! You should ask my friend about my subtle jokes. I do bad puns, subtle jokes, jokes as subtle as a mamuk break dancing with a gorgon, and untiring refurences to inside jokes that make some laugh, some ignore me, and some stare in disbelieve at though I'm growing a third head.

Oh I do so all you sweet readers!!!! I will try to post tonight, because I'm going to see Master and Commander!!!!!

-Nio the one and only bumblebee with a driver's license

okay, okay, that's not till January 1st

 

*dies laughing* That was hilarious!!!

 

ROFLOL! Once again, you have made me laugh until my sides hurt, excellent job!!!

 

No, actually, I didn't forget about this...I just sorta...forgot about it.

Now these three were all lumped together as a single story by Obi-Wan. This was first in the series I wrote, so go easy on me about my spelling and whatnot.

-Nio

The Real Story Of Star Wars
A New Pope

Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you?re my only hope....... *kcerrrr* Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you?re my only hope....... *kcerrrr* Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you?re my only hope.......

Me: Boy....that recording sounds familiar. I have head it many times, first because I needed to play it....and afterwards in my nightmares. I am Obi-Wan Kenobi. And I?m here to finally set you all ?straight? on what really happened, in ten short points:
1. I was the real hero of the story.
2. George Lucas got it all wrong.
3. The whole story wasn?t really so ?hero-ish?.
4. I was the only cute guy in the whole story.
5. In the end, nobody was really killed. We just all ate some of my great peanut-butter cookies and called it quits.
7. Did I mention I was the real hero??
8. I didn?t really die.
9. I was the hero.
10. In the end, everyone (but me) was really saved by my a teddy bear, Baby Booboo.

Now you know the whole story. But maybe you?d like it in a little more detail. ?K, here goes......

Star Wars

Episode MMCXXXVII (believe me or not, this is correct)

The evil empire has

taken over everything.

The galaxy is

in great danger.

A lone hero

is needed. Someone,

who can save

them all....
__________________________________________________________________


*noise, ship being attacked*
Vader: Wee!!! This is fun!
Leia: I am a diplomat to Alderan!!
Vader: Oops.
Leia: Trust me, that ?oops? wasn?t nearly big enough wiener man.
Vader: Wait a minute, I don?t think you?re really a diplomat, a diplomat would have been nicer. Take her away!
Leia: Darn, my one chance, and I blew it.

*luckily, someone, much smarter than Leia, had already sent two droids with a secret message for you?s truly*

C-3PO: I hate sand, I hate heat, I hate flying, and I hate you.
R2-D2: Bloop. (Well, ditto for you too you mean old monkey brain. What do we do now??)
C-3PO: Dunno. Wait, by some amazing coincidence, there is a sandcrawler coming straight towards us, even though there is nothing for miles to promote them to come this way, and they can?t possibly see us.
R2-D2: Beep bop squeal whistle beep bloop bloop. (Oh good.)

*the droids were picked up by this sandcrawler, and were sold to a weird old farmer and his nephew*

Jawa: Coo da nima.
Owen: You say they are the best made in the world?? No, I still don?t want them.
Jawa: Bi num ta ca rola.
Owen: You say they can reduce the risk of skin cancer by two-hundred and seventy percent?? No. Sorry.
Jawa: Bucha.
Owen: You?ll throw in a free hersey?s bar?? I?ll take them.
Luke: Uh, this one?s broken!
Owen: Shaddup.
Jawa: Yeah!
Owen: Fine, I?ll take that blue one instead.
C-3PO: Oh man. *muttering* I was this close to getting rid of that stupid little....
Owen: Luke, go give these droids a bath.
Luke: WHY?!?!?!?!
Owen: I want to keep you home today to be mean. Get going.
Luke: I never get to do anything.
Owen: You have no life anyway, so why do you care.
Luke: Dunno. Come on you weird semi-intelligent life forms.
C-3PO: Yes, sir.
Luke: Don?t call me sir.
C-3PO: Yes, Master Luke.
Luke: You?re rubbing in the fact that I have no life....aren?t you.
C-3PO: Yup.
R2-D2: Bloop bloop kcerrr kcerrr. (Heh heh.)

*R2 hated Luke so much, he ran away to find me because he remembered I was nicer, but, unfortunately, he was caught. I had to keep the story going, so I went and found him, accidentally saving Luke in the process.*

Luke: Man, I thought that sand guy thingy had me!
Me: I know. *muttered* Darn. Come to my place and I?ll poison, I mean, we can have a drink!
Luke: Sounds great!! Maybe you can help me get a life!!
Me: I doubt it, but your, I mean my, droid has a secret message from a prin

 

*gasps out between bursts of laughter* Nice...icon!

Whoa, that was too hilarious! You've got great taste in titles. And the ten short points, and the teddy bear, and the poison ivy...priceless!

Great job!

 

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