Before - Legends The SITH Shall Rise Again (AU crossover (Qui-Gon)) -- Completed 31 January! --

The holo, years old now, showed a skinny youth standing next to a bearded man, both of them smiling broadly. It was a happy scene, but all it generated now was hatred.

"Vallowing?" the figure in the doorway asked.

The teen, no longer as joyful or as skinny as he had been, sat up straight. "No sir, I was just, umm..."

"Looking back at vhat you vonce vere."

"No!" the young man yelled. "This wasn't me. It was someone who no longer exists. Obi-Wan is dead; now there is only Darth Stalker!" He threw the holo at the trash slot in the far wall. It missed by almost a foot and bounced back, hitting the man in the doorway right between the eyes.

"Oops," Stalker said, "sorry about that."

* * * *

The SITH Shall Rise Again

* * * *

Qui-Gon let his Starblast Nexu drop rapidly through the layers of cloud, then slowed as he neared his objective. He saw the small unmarked door with the crumbling bit of ledge and slid the speeder down and alongside, finally stopping. He stood up and turned to face the door, only to see that it was ten feet above his head. Sitting back down, he activated the Nexu's repulsors and lifted it. He started to get out again, and this time saw that he was ten feet above the doorway. Rolling his eyes, he tried again.

Three or four attempts later, the speeder was even with the ledge, and Qui-Gon got out and walked to the door. He started to enter the passcode, then stopped and looked back at the Nexu.

"Of course!" he said, slapping his head as he realized that the expensive red speeder would be a tempting target for the neighborhood's many thieves and criminals. He went back to it and tucked the "No Radio" sign under the windscreen. "Ah, much better."

That done, he finished entering the code and went inside. He walked along the unadorned corridor without pausing; every few yards, another set of blast doors slammed closed behind him. At the end of the hallway, he entered a turbolift and gave a new code. The lift doors closed, and he was carried up.

After an hour or so, the lift stopped, and Qui-Gon emerged into a small gray room, empty except for a snoring droid. He started to walk past it when its eyes opened. "Oh," it droned, "it's you. You could have come to the Temple the normal way, you know."

"Oh really?" Qui-Gon asked. "What do you know about it?"

"I know you wouldn't have been late for your meeting if you had," the droid said.

"Late? I'm not late, I'm right on..." Qui-Gon ran from the room.

A few flights of stairs later, he stood in front of his boss, who was busy poring over the paperwork that littered his desk. Qui-Gon waited patiently for him to finish, using the chance to check his hair in the reflection off the Jedi Councilor's head.

"Would you stop that?"

"Stop what, Chief?" Qui-Gon asked, standing to attention.

Mace Windu looked up, his eyes boring into Qui-Gon's. "Calling me 'Chief' for starters, Smart. I called you here because we have a problem."

"What kind of a problem, Ch... Master Windu?"

Mace lowered the lights and activated the desk's holographic projector. The room filled with a glowing map of the galaxy. "Ah," Qui-Gon said, "of course! I see what the problem is!"

"You do?"

Qui-Gon nodded and raised a single finger. "Yes!" He walked over to an empty area of the room. "There are no stars in this region of space, but something's pulling on the neighboring systems."

"Oh, that's just because the map's low on memory," Mace explained. "A lot of systems aren't loading right." After a long pause, he continued, "The actual problem is on this planet here, Chimpan 3."

"Chimpan 3?" Qui-Gon asked.

Mace rolled his eyes. "Yes, Chimpan 3. There's been some civil unrest there, and..."

"Civil unrest?"

"Yes, civil unrest," Mace repeated. "Anyway, we have reason to believe SITH are involved." Qui-Gon opened his mouth, but Mace stopped him. "If you repeat 'SITH' I will have you reassigned to the AgriCorps Fertilizer Division."

"The AgriCorps Fertilizer Division?"

Mace drew on

 

Title: The SITH Shall Rise Again
Author: Drabbo Fett
Timeframe: pre-TPM
Characters: Qui-Gon Smart
Genre: AU, Crossover, Parody
Keywords: AU, Crossover ("Get Smart")
Summary: Jedi agent Qui-Gon Smart gets a new padawan for a new mission that could bring him face-to-face with some old ones.
Notes: This was begun for the Obi-Wan challenge thread, but I'll be posting the full three-act story here.

 

I love Get Smart. And I love that Qui-Gon lost all those apprentices to the Sith. Seems to me that the Jedi shouldn't let him take another one! His track record isn't good... LOL.

Looking forward to seeing your next post.

 

Qui-Gon liked the pilot's seat in the Jedi shuttle; it was so comfortable, he could sleep easily in it. He didn't even notice as his body started to slide out of the chair until his head smacked against the edge of the instrument panel, waking him instantly. His powerful mind instantly recognized that sprawled on the floor was not the proper position for him to be in, and he took immediate action. With almost superhuman levels of grace and dignity -- which still didn't amount to much -- he stood up and climbed back into the seat. And this time, he fastened the safety harness.

He glanced over at his co-pilot; Nien Dinienb was staring at him and suppressing a giggle. "I meant to do that," he stammered.

She smiled and leaned on the arm of her seat. "Of course, master," she breathed.

After a moment, Qui-Gon's eyes widened. "I know what you're thinking, and stop it right now!"

Dinienb smiled innocently. "Stop what?"

"You're infatuated with me," Qui-Gon said. "It's understandable, of course, but nothing can ever come of it. It'd violate the TOS!"

"The TOS?"

"The Terms of Smart!" he told her. "'Never date your padawan.' I decided on that rule back with my first padawan, and I've never broken it!"

"But your earlier padawans have all been male," Dinienb said.

"Yes, well." He hit a few random buttons on the console. "Nien, eh?" he asked.

"Pardon me?"

"The Niens are one of the grandest families on Sullust," Qui-Gon said. Dinienb shrugged. "In fact," Qui-Gon added, "a few years back, I once met a Nunb while working on a case."

"That'd be my uncle," the padawan said.

The news impressed Qui-Gon. "Really?"

"Well, probably. It's kind of a common name in my family; I have two Uncle Nunbs, plus five cousins, a nephew, and a younger brother. Oh, and an aunt, but that's a long story."

While Qui-Gon was formulating his response, the ship came out of hyperspace. Chimpan 3, a world covered with thick rain forest, floated in front of them.

* * * *

"Master?" Dinienb asked.

"Yes?"

"I have a bad feeling about this." The two Jedi stood at the edge of the elevated landing platform that hovered over undeveloped jungle; surprisingly, they had yet to see another living soul.

"Oh, there's nothing to worry about," Qui-Gon said. "No one's tried to kill us yet, have they?"

"Maybe," she admitted reluctantly, "but it did sound like the control tower voice was giggling rather a lot."

Qui-Gon waved the concern away. "You're going to have to get used to that if you're going to be my padawan." He folded his arms and thought a moment. "If you're really worried, you may remain with the ship," he offered.

A second later, the craft exploded, and shrapnel flew past the Jedi. As the fireball died away, leaving only a burning hulk, Qui-Gon shrugged. "Though I wouldn't recommend it."

* * * *

Darth Stalker wanted to scream, but settled for a shout. "You missed!"

"Vhy," his master asked, "vould ve bring Schmart all ze vay here if ve vere just going to kill him ze moment his head comes into view?"

"Then..."

"For vhat he's done to us, he must suffer!" the older SITH said, showering Stalker with saliva.

* * * *

"I don't know how much more of this I can suffer!" Qui-Gon moaned as he swatted at another of the myriad flies buzzing around his head.

Dinienb admired his restraint; she was relying on a gentle force push to keep them at bay. Maybe when she became a full-fledged Jedi agent, she'd have the courage to resist such dependence.

"Ow!" he screamed again.

"Oh, master," Dinienb said. A noise ahead of them attracted her attention, and she stopped to listen more carefully. "Do you hear that?"

"Is it a buzzing?"

"No," she said, "it's more of a crashing sound, with a bit of thumping and banging thrown... wahey!"

Qui-Gon had grabbed her hand and was now pulling her through the jungle, in a line perpendicular to their original path. They leaped over fallen trees and squeezed through the foliage, their feet barely touching the ground.

The cra

 

So Xan has a lisp....LOL and I loved that Qui thought she was hitting on him.
"The Terms of Smart!" he told her. "'Never date your padawan.' I decided on that rule back with my first padawan, and I've never broken it!"
"But your earlier padawans have all been male," Dinienb said.

Very funny!

 

Cheers. It's not a lisp, but a broad, vaguely German accent; anyone who was a fan of Get Smart can probably guess where that's going... [I'd thought about putting the full reveal at the end there, but the second part needs to be done with Obi-Wan -- excuse me, Darth Stalker -- and Smart present.]

 

I just found this! It is HILARIOUS! Loved it!

 

Thanks.

EDIT: HL, sorry I didn't get back to your post sooner. The basic conceit of the story is that Qui-Gon has been recast with Maxwell Smart.

 

I just wanted to jump in to thank those who've nominated me for the Best Crossover Award! I feel so honored, and a bit surprised.

 

I remember this one. I'm glad to see you are continuing the insanity!

 

Qui-Gon could see trees being shoved aside by something with large and pink. He waited a moment, making sure it was still coming straight for him. Then he leaped to the side and watched as the creature passed right by him.

It was almost ten feet tall, running on powerful hind legs while its forelimbs knocked obstacles out of its way. It was covered with a wrinkly, pink hide, punctuated by a few tufts of hair. Its body was a single muscular mass; no neck separated head from torso.

Once the beast had disappeared into the jungle, Qui-Gon stepped out into the open and looked at the trail its devastation had left. "Well," he said as he started walking back along the path.

He hadn't gone far, though, when the back of his neck started to feel warm. He stopped and turned around. The creature stood inches away, its body shaking as it breathed heavily, exhaling right into Qui-Gon's face.

The Jedi's eyes watered, and he reeled from the overwhelming odor. "Eeewwwww."

* * * *

Dinienb struggled against the electrified shackles that held her wrists and ankles to the wall. "You'll never get away with this!"

"Really?" her captor taunted. "And who do you zink vill schtop me?"

"Qui-Gon," she answered with utter confidence.

Xanatos just laughed.

"Even now," Dinienb said, "he's on his way here to..."

"And so I should hope! I've gone to a lot of effort to get him here, and it vould be a shame if he missed all ziss."

On cue, a buzzer began playing "How Much Is That Banthie in the Window?"

Xanatos shook his head. "I did not pick zat," he insisted. "It came vith ze house." He turned on a monitor, and Dinienb could see an image the top of Qui-Gon's head. Xanatos activated a comm. "Can I help you?"

Qui-Gon looked up into the camera and grinned. "Umm, yes, ah, I was just driving past, and my airspeeder got a flat. I was wondering if I could use your phone."

Xanatos muted the comm and looked back at Dinienb. "Ziss is your great hero?" Turning the sound back on, he said, "I find zat very hard to believe."

"Okay," Qui-Gon tried, "would you believe I just moved in next door and need to borrow a cup of muja berries?"

"No, I vould not," Xanatos said.

"How about I'm a Jedi agent, and you're surrounded?"

"On ze contrary, Qui-Gon Schmart, I zink it is you who iss surrounded!"

On the screen, a lightsaber came up under Qui-Gon's chin. "Ah."

* * * *

Two men in SITH robes shoved Qui-Gon into the room. Darth Stalker followed, carrying his former master's lightsaber. "Xanatos!" the Jedi gasped. "I should have known."

"Yes, you should," the villain said. "However, you are wrong about vone zing. I no longer go by ze name Xanatos! I am now Darth Siegfried! And you have already met my apprentice, Darth Schtalker!"

"It's Darth Stalker," the youth said, rolling his eyes.

"Zat iss vhat I said! Never mind. Lock Schmart up next to ze girl."

The two henchmen shackled Qui-Gon to the wall beside Dinienb. "Have they treated you well?" he asked.

"Yes, but I am glad you're here." She smiled at him.

"As am I," Darth Siegfried said. "Now ze fun can really begin. You know, I vass beginning to vonder if Vindu vas going to go zrough every other Jedi in ze Order before sending you."

"What happened to the other Jedi?" Dinienb asked.

"Oh, zey're dead." A large window irised open on the far wall, and the SITH agent pointed out to the jungle beyond. "Your precious Jedi Order iss so schtupid, zey sent all zose agents out to schtop civil unrest on a planet vitout any intelligent lifeforms!"

"Aha!" Qui-Gon shouted. "It would appear that I wasn't the only one wrong about vone zing -- I mean one thing! You have made a fatal miscalculation."

"No he didn't!" Darth Stalker yelled.

Darth Siegfried put his hand on the youth's shoulder. "Now, now, let us humor him a moment. Vhat error have I made?"

Everyone turned to look at Qui-Gon. "The Tlumps," he said.

"The vhat?"

"You know, pink, about so tall," Qui-Gon explained, trying to wiggle his hand in it

 

And, oh yeah, a big thank you to everyone who's read this story, especially those of you who voted it the...

Readers' Choice Crossover!

 

Very funny, Drabbo!!!!

I enjoyed that.

 

Cheers, KMA!

 

Sorry, Drabbo, thought I'd replied!

Great job - only you could have married SW with Get Smart. Not sure if that's a compliment or not.

It is, actually. Wonderful work.

Shaindl

 

hee hee hee hee hee. Oh golly. That was fun. I miss Get Smart. Must go hunt and see if they're on DVD yet.

KD

 

Thanks, you two.

only you could have married SW with Get Smart.

Well, as I've said before, if you're willing to be fairly silly -- or short -- you can cross over almost any two (or more(!)) properties. Remember when SNL had Jerry Seinfeld transferred to Oz?

Must go hunt and see if they're on DVD yet.

Not that I've heard.

 

Great job, Drabbo. Can't believe I haven't read this before. Must be insane.

I love this.

 

Thanks, and don't worry. We're all quite mad here.

 

This is a really fun story. I'm not familiar with Get Smart, but I still enjoyed it very much. Gudanya!

 

Gudanya!

Oh, ta!

 

Absolutely great, Drabbo! I don't know Get Smart, but it's funny anyway. I loved Xan's accent, the 'no radio' sign and above all Qui-Gon's clumsiness. I laughed very hard through this. Although I'm feeling kind of sorry for the new Padawan. Wonder when she will join Xan's ranks. Very cool!

EDIT - can't do markup codes

 

Thanks, HL and Indra! I'm sorry I never responded sooner. I just hadn't realized...