Saga Padme the Sith vignette, humor

Blame Jadesolo. She told me to do it.

Also, I'm a lousy typist, so please forgive any mistakes.

Qui-Gon pov. Total humor (I hope).

Padme the Sith



I always knew there was something a bit off about the girl. From the moment I first met her she struck me as not quite right. I suppose my suspicions began in earnest when she decided to follow Jar Jar and I into into the Tatooine desert in search of a hyperdrive. To say that that struck me as odd is an understatement.

After more years in the field than I care to admit, I have learned that there are a handful of absolute truths in life. One such truth is that no fourteen year old girl in the galaxy would willingly leave a cushy airconditioned ship full of her closest friends in order to follow an old fart like me and an annoying Gungan through a desert.

As well educated as she was, I'm sure that the girl knew that Tattoine was devoid of any shopping malls, so I openly wondered what she expected to find. She offered some lame excuse about being "curious about the planet", and we were on our way. I could have told her that the only thing you really ever find in a desert is sand, but I doubt she would have listened.

Another such absolute truth is that young women galaxy wide tend to dote on my padawan. Mooney eyes and drawn out sighs was almost always a given where Obi-Wan was concerned, so the alarm bells really started going off in my aging brain when I explained to this supoosedly young woman that my padawan would not be accompanying us into Mos Espa and she still elected to go.

I made a mental note to myself right there that this Padme Nabierre was certainly not what she seemed. There was no way she was fourteen- and she possibly wasn't even female.

Her behavior seemed even more disturbing to me when we reached Mos Espa and met a young slave child named Anakin Skywalker. I'm sure that most who witnessed her exchanges with the then nine year old Anakin thought them to be purely innocent, but I know a lascivious look when I see one.

Of course, ten years later when the poor boy is at least legal, she couldn't be bothered. Well, maybe that's not entirely accurate. She could be bothered to lecture him as to the reasons why they couldn't be together while wearing a get up fit for a Twi'leck working girl.

It's really no surprise that poor Anakin just snapped. The frustration became too much and he killed a few Tuskens that he probably shouldn't have. A bad case of the blues will do that to a twenty year old guy. I know, I was ready to kill that slimy Balrog for offing Tahl before I could...well, nevermind.

Now, most women would have been a bit taken aback by Anakin's little lapse, but this Padme seemed not to mind in the least. In fact, it appeared that she was starting to warm up to Ani after all. That's when I almost changed my mind and started to think that perhaps she truly was the young woman that she claimed to be. Maybe she just preferred "bad boys"- you know, the type that fall in love with convicts and write letters to serial killers and such.

However,the events that followed shortly thereafter alerted me to the truth. Poor Anakin, having just committed a major faux paus, was determined to be on his best Jedi behavior afterwards. As much as it pained him to learn that Obi-Wan was in trouble, the boy was going to do his duty and stay put.

Naturally, little miss "can my outfit be any more clingy" convinced him to defy orders and go. She hadn't spoken three sentences to Obi-Wan in ten years, and now she was ready to travel halfway across the galaxy for him? I smelled a trap, and sure enough, Anakin was captured and sentenced to death alongside Obi-Wan.

To the casual observer, it may have appeared that dear Senator Amidala was sentenced to death right along with them- she did have to keep up appearances after all. But then she pulled out the key and unlocked her binders, and everything was blatantly clear. No, it wasn't a hairpin like she told everyone. And since when does

 

Brilliant! And it makes so much sense... I did always wonder about Padmé. Great job!

 

* laughs *

Great job! I loved all your insights into Padme's bizarro behavior, and I totally agree with you!

 

Heeheh

Good Job
Reb

 

LOL - Even more funny that it's from Qui-Gon's POV.

So now the handmaidens have Obi-Wan held captive. Lucky girls.

 

lol about the lack of shopping malls and the outfit for a twi'lek working girl!

 

the little miss can my clothes be any clingy, had me dying. great stuff.

 

If I quoted my favorite lines I would have to copy and paste the whole thing!

Absolutely hilarious!

 

Opal That was truly inspired! I've also thought her wardrobe choices were a BIT suspicious! And now we know the truth!

 

Opal!

That was fabulous! That Padmé is now fully revealed! I loved the use of Qui-Gon as the narrator...great choice. And I'm sure Obi-Wan will deal gracefully and stoically with his fate.

Great job! I hope you'll put up more like this - I love your humour!

 

That was simply brilliant. I am stuff wiping away the tears from my eyes from laughing so much. Poor Obi-Wan, what a terrible fate than to be held captive by Padme's handmaidens. Will Palpy's evil ever cease? Great job!

 

I so want to be one of those handmaidens.

 

Aw crap. I owe you an Obi/Bruck now, don't I?

I'm so glad you wrote this. But Jar Jar the Sith? Run away!

And those handmaidens must've been pretty tall to pass as royal guards! Still, I hope Obi appreciates the "predicament" he'll be in for the rest of his life...

 

*smacks head* I forgot to mention that they were wearing platform shoes. Oh, well. You still owe me an Obi/Bruck, Jade...or an Obi/Ani if you prefer.


Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply, and for being nice enough to ignore all the typos.

 

Suddenly it all makes sense! That was a riot, nice job.

 

Too much fun! Especially this line:

The similiarities were glaringly obvious now that I think about it- the hoods, the robes, the way they both just seemed to melt into the background.

 

Maybe she just preferred "bad boys"- you know, the type that fall in love with convicts and write letters to serial killers and such.

Oh, opal, you hit the nail on the head.

 

Ha. Nice. I doubt that Anakin will care about the whole Sith thing though.

 

That's funny!

 

HAHA!! I hope Ani has the sense to join her!!