Episode .5: The Phantom Diet Plan!......(why not?)

Don't ask...couldn't tell ya... It was just a funny idea that came to me 'round midnight...
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Title card: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, far, far, far, far away.....(and be glad it is...)

(//Space serves as a backdrop for the title followed by a roll up which disappears as it nears the top of the screen//)

Episode .5: The Phantom Diet Plan

Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation on low-fat products is causing poor people everywhere to become over weight.

(Suddenly Obi-Wan Kenobi's voice cuts in, reading the roll-up)

OBI-WAN: ...While congress of the Republic debates this alarming chain of events, the Supreme chancellor has secretly dispatched two Jedi knights...hey! That's us!

INT. Republic Cruiser
(Obi-Wan stands, looking out the window at the roll-up. Qui-Gon stands a little ways off. Obi-Wan continues to read.)

OBI-WAN: ..the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy to settle the conflict... Master! You have to see this! This is so trippy!

(Qui-Gon joins his apprentice at the window and peers out. He then tugs Obi-Wan away from the window.)

QUI-GON: Obi-Wan! You aren't supposed to be reading that! We want everyone in this movie to figure out that we're the good guys on their own!

OBI-WAN: But Master...it's so obvious that we're the good guys! I mean, we dress in white, we're friendly, heroic theme music follows us everywhere and I'm cute... No one this cute can be a bad guy!

QUI-GON: You have much to learn, my young padawan.

OBI-WAN: You mean cute people can be bad guys?

QUI-GON: Well, that...And you're not as cute as you think you are...

OBI-WAN: (looks shocked, then depressed) oh.

CAPTAIN: (off-screen) Next stop, the oppressed planet of Naboo!

QUI-GON: (pulls a bell-cord, much like those on buses to signal the stop) This is our stop.

EXT. Naboo Docking Bay
(The Cruiser lands)

INT. Republic Cruiser
(Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan stand at the door. Obi-Wan still looks depressed.)

QUI-GON: Alight, Obi-Wan, do you remember our mission?

OBI-WANsighs and rolls his eyes) To seek out all of the fat oppressed people.

QUI-GON: Aaaand...

OBI-WAN: And find them a cheap diet plan.

QUI-GON: Goooood!

(The door opens and the Jedi start out.)

QUI-GON: (cont') And be HAPPY!

(Obi-Wan smiles a huge, fake, disgustingly sugar sweet smile and exits the cruiser with his master.)

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Whoo...this is bizarre...oh well...more later!

 

This is silly But good

 

Thankee! My other story is pretty serious at this point and I needed to write something just plain dumb! Glad you like it!

~Caddal

 

Another chunk...
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EXT. Naboo Docking Bay
(The Jedi leave the cruiser and stand, staring. Thin, healthy people swarm around and don't seem to notice the Jedi, despite the latters' attempts for attention. They all wear black T-shirts that read: 'A Maul Malt a day is all *I* need.' Obi-Wan bursts into sobs on Qui-Gon's shoulder.)

OBI-WAN: AAAAUGH! I feel so *rejected*! First, I'm not allowed to read the big yellow words in space, then I find out that I'm not as cute as I previously thought, and now THIS!? NOBODY CAN BE THAT THIN BY DRINKING ONE MILKSHAKE A DAY! NOBODY!! (He burst into fresh sobs)

(Qui-Gon catches a passer-by's arm.)

QUI-GON: Excuse me, but is this the oppressed planet of Naboo?

PASSER: Yup.

QUI-GON: But...Where are all of the unhealthy, poor people?

PASSER: (giggles annoyingly) Oh, nobody is fat now that we've got the Phantom Diet Plan!

QUI-GON: The Phantom...ah...I see. Thank...you.

(Time lapse)

EXT. Streets of Theed
(Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan are wandering down the street. Obi-Wan has an ice cream cone that was ment as a comfort, but he looks at it guiltily between licks. They stop infront of a Cirillian Inn.)

QUI-GON: Well, I suppose we can't do much for these people now. Let's rent a room here and figure this all out later.

(Obi-Wan sniffles)

QUI-GON: (cont' He looks off screen and brightens.) Well, looky there, Obi-Wan! It looks like some captured pilots! Why don't you go free them fom the battle droids!?

OBI-WAN: (Starts to smile, but stops as he looks off screen) Um...wow....there are certainly a lot of droids....and uh...they all have pretty big guns don't they? (Starts to back away) You know what, they look pretty happy as they are...why don't we just-

QUI-GON: (Interrupts) Nonsense! Size matters not, remember? (He pulls the lightsare from Obi-Wan's belt, ignites it, puts it in Obi-Wan's hands and shoves him off screen) Got get em, tiger!

(Immediatly, many blasters can be heard, along with with screams of terror from Obi-Wan. Suddenly all the noise stops and Obi-Wan staggers back up to Qui-Gon. He almost falls, but holds himself up by clinging to his masters tunic.)

OBI-WAN: I...don't think....the pilots wanted...to be....rescued. (Slides to the ground below the camera line)

QUI-GON: Well, dang if they didn't *look* like captured pilots...

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I love this!! It's always nice to read a funny story! waiting *patiently* for the next part!!

 

Yes, all diets are Sith plots!

 

Hey, this is cool! Love Qui-Gon telling Obi-Wan that he's not that cute!

 

Whoo hoo! looks like we're on a roll here...cool, here's the next pointless chunk...
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INT. Hotel Room
(Obi-Wan sits watching Mr. Midichlorine cartoons and singing along to the theme song. He's patched up in several places. Qui-Gon sits a short distance away, trying to meditate over the noise. Suddenly the cartoon blacks out and the Jedi Council appears on the TV screen.)

OBI-WAN: (Jumps up, clutching his heart) GAH!

YODA: Padawan Kenobi, your Master were is?

(Obi-Wan's eyes are as big as frying pans as he points in Qui-Gon's direction. The TV set levitates and floats over to Qui-Gon.)

YODA: (cont') Done what there have you, Qui-Gon?

QUI-GON: (Opens one eye.) Nothing, Master Yoda. There is nothing here to do thanks to a certain Phantom Diet Plan...

MACE WINDU: A Phantom what? You've done nothing because of this...diet plan?

QUI-GON: That's right.

YODA: Useless we must not look! THERE DO MUST SOMETHING YOU!!!!!

(There is a loooooong pause)

OBI-WAN: (who has by now joined his master) Come again?

QUI-GON: Translation please?

MACE WINDU: He means that you can't just sit there being useless, you have to be heroic somehow.

QUI-GON: Ah...I see, and how do you prepose we go about being heroic?

KI-ADI MUNDI: I have just pulled up some information on this Phantom Diet Plan. Evidentially, no one has ever met the one who invented the super shake, Maul Malt, but he has a secretary named Toby...

MACE WINDU: You must seek out this Toby and make an appointment to meet the mysterious One behind the Maul Malts.

YODA: Find the faults in this diet plan you must!

QUI-GON: Of course...

JEDI COUNCIL: (in a chorus) THe Force will be with you!

QUI-GON: Thank you.

OBI-WAN: Thanks...

ADI GALLIA: (Stands up quickly) Wait! I'm a female Jedi...and I WILL get to spea-

(The TV screen goes blank and falls to the floor. The two Jedi exchange glances.)

 

Hey, this isn't pointless, this is a great to get me to laugh.