Saga Remember Laughter-OBI1 & Q-GJ, Jinn's death.OBI's thoughts/angsty, End of TPM. New 101405.

Author's note: I thought I would challenge myself to write in 1st Person; it does not come naturally.

?No!? I scream and turn horrified eyes to my Master?s astonished eyes; he stumbles back as the Sith?s lightsaber passes through and is withdrawn from his midsection. It wasn?t supposed to be like this; my Master was going to be at my side when I made the rank of Jedi. The words beat at the back of my mind, battering and shoving their way forward. I resolutely push them back. No, as long as Qui-Gon Jinn lives, my thoughts will be of him, not of myself, of how to avenge his death, for even I can see that is the ending.

Avenge him, take not revenge! I repeat over and over to myself as a mantra, waiting for the field of energy holding me trapped to open so I can spring out and ? what? Go to my Master?s side - but if I do, I will surely be cut down too, and his last sight will be that of my death. Continue the fight, alone - but turn my attention away from my dying Master. I cannot choose.

The energy field recycles and the way is clear. I rush forward and find myself doing what duty demands, what my training requires I do. I leave Qui-Gon to his suffering and rush the Sith. I have power, I have passion. My sorrow drives me on; my fear of letting Qui-Gon down lends strength to my moves. I drive the Sith back. Ah ha, does he fear me now? No, I mentally drive the thought away, perhaps he has more respect for my skills, but he does not fear me. Don?t get reckless, Obi-Wan, keep your wits about you. Fight on: fight for Qui-Gon, win for Qui-Gon, live for Qui-Gon.

I am tiring, but the Sith seems not to. His eyes?they grow ever brighter, more gleeful. He knows, and through him, I know, the fight is nearing its end. It can?t be my end; it can?t. I must be at my Master?s side at his end ? not as much for him, but as for me. He can find his path to the Force; he always has walked hand in hand with it. It is a selfish wish of mine, to be with Qui-Gon when he takes that final step.

In my distraction, I lose a fraction of a second of concentration and the Sith sees it. He swings and I barely ride the force of his kick. I land on my feet. The fight is still on, I exult. I still have a chance.

I am tumbling, flying over the edge of a pit. What? How? I am stunned; without thinking, I reach out desperately, wishing for something to break my fall, willing for something to be there ? and it is! A handhold! I hang from it, wondering. Was it there, or did I wish it there? Qui-Gon would tell me it was there; that I used the Force to reach it. He was right. I marvel at this: all I had to do was reach into the Force and let it guide me. All these years, I tried to use the Force, and what saved me was letting the Force use me!

I am not safe yet; Qui-Gon Jinn slips ever closer to the threshold and I am staring up at the Sith. My lightsaber skims over the pit?s edge and clatters its way down, down, down. A long way down. I refuse to look.

There is no fear. There is only the Force.

Find that connection to the Force again, Kenobi, I urge myself. Let yourself feel, let it align with your thoughts ? be one with the Force. I close my eyes and reach ? no, open ? myself ? and I see a way. Qui-Gon?s lightsaber is up there; I can call it to my hand. I know I can do this; the Force is telling me.

?You can do it, Padawan,? words that aren?t really words encourage me. Is it Qui-Gon?s thoughts, or my memories of his words? It doesn?t matter. What matters is ending this fight and hurrying to my fallen Master.

I breathe in and gather the Force about me. I spring up and somersault over the dumbfounded Sith and at the same time call Qui-Gon?s lightsaber to me. I flick its emerald beam on in midair and with barely a thought, I land behind the Sith and swing. His eyes stare at me; however did I miss? I didn?t; he tumbles away from me, cloven clean through. I stare; transfixed; this is the power of the Force. It saved me; not I.

I remember,

 

I would not have guessed that writing in first person wasn't your preferred way of writing! Lovely job! You captured all of Obi-Wan's pain and fear quite nicely!

 

You slowly reach up and brush one of those tears away with a gentle finger. Even as you lay dying; you are thinking of others. You offer me comfort with your last efforts; I should be comforting you. I hardly know what words you are speaking aloud; I agree, I will agree to anything you want, dear Master, if it comforts you.

What a poignant new way to approach this tender moment...

You do write very well in the first person, and I really enjoyed reading this!

 

aww

 

Great job on this.

I particularly liked how Qui-Gon tried to comfort Obi-Wan with images of their past together as he lay dying.

Bravo!

 

Thanks all...let's continue with the story....

I sit on a cold floor with a cooling body in my arms, shivering. I hear voices, footsteps, running my way, slowing to a respectful walk. They surround me, their voices silent. I feel their eyes on me; they are waiting for me to speak, to guide them to their reactions. I, I am just a sorrowing Jedi Padawan. I have no strength to guide myself, let alone others. I look up and see their faces, solemn and grieving like mine. No, not like mine, I want to shout. He is MY Master. You don?t know him at all, you can?t feel the depth of grief for him that I do. I want to rage, to cry, to plead ? I want to feel more than this numbness settling over my mind. I then understand; I can?t rage against reality. The numbness is part of the grieving and rage will only prolong it, perhaps make it permanent. Qui-Gon has taught me how to live; I will honor his teachings by living them.

I look at them through red-rimmed eyes; I allow them to help me to my feet. Their grief is no less real than mine, though oh so much less personal a grief.

?I will take him,? I say as they raise Qui-Gon?s body, and take his body in my arms. I stumble under his weight; he is a big man and I am exhausted. I pretend not to notice the helping hands at my side. Together, they guide us out of the melting pit chamber, past the hangar where Qui-Gon and I last advanced as a team ? I nearly break down at the sight of our cloaks still lying there side by side.

Slowly, our solemn procession winds through the halls of the Naboo Royal residence, until we arrive at a room in the upper levels, a suite set aside for the Chancellor?s ambassadors should they require it during the negotiations with the Trade Federation regarding the blockade. That was another world; another time. A time when I remembered how to smile. Oh, what I would give to hear Qui-Gon chide me for leaving my lightsaber on again. Another scolding, another smile, another word ? anything. But these lips will never smile, never scold, never praise again. Nor will those eyes ever smile, ever scold, ever praise again. His hand will never pat me on the back, clap my shoulder in success, squeeze my forearm in warning.

Stop it, Obi-Wan, I tell myself sternly. You know what you have lost; you don?t have to dwell on it. Qui-Gon Jinn is at peace with the Force; as long as I have the Force within me, I will have Qui-Gon Jinn within me. I think I hear a chuckle.

?Master?? I whisper. ?Is it you? I will remember; as long as I have the Force, I still have you. And I will remember, someday, how to smile, and how to laugh. I promise.?

 

continued....

I sit by the bedside, knowing I must report to the Jedi Council, composing myself so that my inner turmoil is hidden. When I am ready, I make my way to the holoprojector. I can tell the Council is shocked at the news; their very silence is proof of that. Extraordinary control of their emotions, I wonder if I?ll ever match them. Their silence as I report gives me strength even as my insides revert to mush. Mace Windu closes our session by promising the Council?s arrival to give Qui-Gon Jinn a proper Jedi send-off. Oh, Master, I think, you are finally getting the recognition I have wanted for you all your life.

I make another report, this time to the Chancellor, and one final report to the Naboo themselves. The young Queen sits solemnly on her throne; she feels the loss of all the lives deeply, though not a hint of emotion shows on her face. I sense her look at me; her deep compassion for my hurt, and I realize that I am not the only one in pain. I nearly blush in embarrassment; how self-centered grief can be. More than one just and kind man died this day, more than just I grieve. I hang my head in shame as I let my grief flow out of me, into compassion for everyone, all those who died and those left to mourn them. And as the grief flows out of me, the compassion fills me, so that instead of emptying myself, I am filling myself. The black hole of despair that has threatened to engulf me is disappearing. I stand proudly, firmly. My heart is large enough to enfold all beings. I now truly know what being a Jedi is. I am a Jedi. I want to smile, I want to laugh, I want to celebrate this, but know now is the not the time.

As I leave the throne room, young Anakin sidles up to me with a questioning glance. I haven?t heard of his part in the battle; all I see is a small and scared little boy who feels lost and sees a friendly face. I wasn?t so friendly to him before, I chide myself. He looks at me and slides his hand into mine. I curl my hand around his and bend down to his level.

?You won?t go away, leave me, will you?? he pleads. I know he is speaking of Qui-Gon?s death.

?I will never leave you, Anakin; you will have to leave me if you ever get tired of me.? I promise. I hoist him to my shoulder and we stride off, together.

 

I have barriered what remains of my grief to stand by the young Queen?s side as the transport bringing the Chancellor and the Jedi to Naboo arrives. I bow as the Chancellor gives me thanks, but I need no accolades. I have done only what I must. I bow again as the Council embarks. On Qui-Gon?s behalf, I am honored by the presence of the entire Council.

After the Naboo have turned the Noimoidians over to the Chancellor?s guards, I follow the Council to the Royal Palace. They will want my report, and I am sure that they will want to ?counsel? me as follows every trial that a Padawan has faced. I have come through my personal fire stronger and better; I have no doubt on that score.

I gather my thoughts and report on all that has transpired. I am pleased that no ripples pass my emotional barriers; I am calm and composed alone for the first time before the Council. I acknowledge the hole beside me where Qui-Gon should be, but I don?t let it distract me. I hesitate when I report on the battle with the Sith, for surely he must have been one, and I am not sure I can keep my calm when reporting of Qui-Gon?s death. Yoda interjects a question, and I appreciate his gesture, for I see that he is giving me a moment to collect myself before proceeding.

When I am finally dismissed, I wait until I am well away from the room to give a sigh of relief. I have two more ordeals ahead: saying my final farewells to Qui-Gon, and defying the Council, if need be, to train Anakin as I have promised my Master.

I wait in a high tower room above the city below, watching the sun sink towards the horizon. The room is spacious and airy and seems full of peace. I am at peace here. I am reminded of the many times Qui-Gon and I would stand on a Temple balcony watching the sunset on Coruscant. It had become a routine of ours that I always looked forward to, a calm ending to the day.

I sense a presence behind me; Master Yoda has entered the room. I turn and kneel down beside him, curious as to his presence here, now. It is not yet time to bid farewell to Qui-Gon.

Without preamble, Yoda informs me I have been promoted to Knight. I am a Jedi? I am a Jedi. I close my eyes and think of Qui-Gon, sending thanks for his training and friendship to wherever in the Force he might be. What of Anakin? I made a promise, and Jedi do not break promises. Yoda lets me know he disapproves. I expected no less. I inform him I will train Anakin, with or without the Council?s approval. He accuses me of having Qui-Gon?s defiance. I accept that as a compliment. I have always felt some kind of bond with Master Yoda, which while never as strong as with my Master, allows me a little familiarity I would never take with any other Jedi Master. I bury a sigh of relief, though, when he reluctantly tells me Anakin will be my Padawan with the Council?s approval.
That he will tell me this, now, underscores his concerns and I assure him I take them to heart. I will go slowly and carefully with Anakin?s training. After all, no Jedi has ever trained one so late to his training.

It is time to bid farewell to my Master. We who honor him file in and surround his funeral pyre. I stand staring at Qui-Gon Jinn?s body; it is the last sight I will ever have of my Master. I look around at those who are here to honor him, and I find contentment in the sight. Perhaps Qui-Gon had been a maverick ? well, there was no perhaps about it ? but I never realized the Council did honor and respect him, despite their misgivings about the way he followed the Force. Indeed, I had felt no different than they, though my concern was borne out of my need to see my Master acknowledged as right and theirs as misgivings borne out of their own experiences.

Ah, Master, I see so much clearly now. Has the pain of losing you washed away my blinders, or have you slipped into my mind and left some part of yourself behind? Why could I not see so clearly when you were with me?

My tears have washed away the film that stood between the Force and I; could I not have lea

 

wow that is really great.. I luv it.. is always good to hear Obi´s thoughts... more when he was in such a difficult situation...

Well done...

Mary

 

So sad, but so wonderfully written!

 

Thank you for your "shameless" self promotion (the little reference you link for us in your other story)or I would not have found this to read.

It was very touching, very beautiful.