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Before - Legends "Visiting Hours";; (angst, JA) Obi-Wan's vigil is interrupted -------one shot----------

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Charmisjess, Mar 13, 2006.

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  1. Charmisjess

    Charmisjess Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jul 31, 2003
    Hello, my dearies. A fic for you. :) I'm going a bit out of my comfort zone with this, I haven't written in Obi-Wan's POV in quite a while. Enjoy!!

    ~*~

    Obi-Wan Kenobi pulled his feet up onto the awkward chair and hugged his knees. Somewhere down the hallway, the healer?s chimes sounded out the hour, like the mournful chirping of some lonely nightbird. The boy looked up. It was terribly late.

    He was still here, even after everyone else had gone. The Healer?s wing was deserted, its patients sleeping, drugged into peace. Through the cracked door of the room, he could just see the bluish desk lap of the Healer on the midnight shift. Now and then, a datasheet rustled.

    Obi-Wan sighed, and squeezed his knees a little tighter to his chest. He didn?t know where else to go. Home would be far too lonely, but he couldn?t stand the thought of companionship either. It was as if he had fallen into an awkward crack and now become horribly stuck, claustrophobically immobile. As if his body were neither here nor there; spliced. He felt so...lost.

    Because it was Master Qui-Gon sleeping drugged into unconsciousness on the bed in the room.

    It had been his fault. It was always his fault, thinking back. He hadn?t moved quickly enough, or been as careful as he should have been, and his Master suffered because of that. Clumsy, he sighed into his knees. Useless and clumsy.

    Of course, his Master would have disagreed with him vehemently. But Qui-Gon was currently unconscious, so that mattered very little.

    Oh, it was no good.

    The mission had been going fine. They always went lovely and fine, up until the calamity. Then ambush had come without warning, as ambushes usually did. And everything had fallen apart, and the pieces had shattered. Now, even back in Coruscant?s safety, he felt as if he were trying to fashion dust into answers.

    Obi-Wan scrubbed at his eyes with the sleeve of his robe. He wished Qui-Gon would just wake up, already.

    The light from the hallway abruptly flickered and Obi-Wan looked up. He almost toppled off his chair in an effort to wipe away any tear tracks that might glimmer too tellingly in the low light. Someone was standing in the doorway.

    Strange. And a bit rude. Obi-Wan frowned. Visiting hours were long over, weren?t they? And who would want to be visiting a comatose person in the middle of the night?

    Besides him, of course.

    The silhouette in the doorway was tall, broad-shouldered; around Qui-Gon?s height, perhaps. For a moment, the figure simply stood there, watching. Then it swept inside, noiseless as a cloud.

    Obi-Wan wondered for a moment if he wasn?t dreaming this. But the chair was too uncomfortable, and the pain in his chest too raw for this all to be illusion. Without making a sound, he leaned back out of the window?s light, moving into the room?s deep shadow. Perhaps whoever it was wouldn?t realize he was there.

    The man was paused over Qui-Gon?s bed, looking down at the unconscious Master, his back to Obi-Wan.

    The boy reached out carefully with the force. He had always been good as masking his presence, ever since he was a little child hiding from the bully, Bruck. He had never exactly wanted to be invisible, but more a bit of the background, an unobtrusive member of the initiates, not stumbling or embarrassing himself into attention. Now he did it, flattening out his force energy, blending it into the night air. The mantra of his early childhood came back to aide him, as he held his breath for silence. Don?t notice me, don?t notice me...

    The figure didn?t turn. He was still leaned over the bed, whispering softly to Qui-Gon as if the Master were awake.

    Obi-Wan drew closer in. The man?s intentions were hard to feel in the force, his aura flitting around like a shadow, unable to be pinned. He reached out with everything he had, but he still could not get a sense of the person. Whoever it was, he was clearly better a master at hiding.

    So Obi-Wan decided to wait, and watch, hopefully remaining invisible to the intruder. He always followed the po
     
  2. VaderLVR64

    VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus star 8 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Feb 5, 2004
    Wow! How perfectly you captured everyone here!

    Obi-Wan stopped, blinking in surprise. He couldn?t believe this, the man was so distanced from Qui-Gon?s life that Obi-Wan had never even see him before, yet he had casually broken a galactic contract to check in on him. ?Oh...?

    ?If the Council knew I was here...? Dooku trailed off with a slight shrug, his tone light with what Obi-Wan was beginning to recognize as characteristic nonchalance. ?But it all matters very little. Sometimes Qui-Gon and I do better when one of us is unconscious.?


    That was both funny and sad, and extremely well done! I loved how you portrayed Obi-Wan's doubts in himself, and his feelings toward Qui-Gon. Lovely, absolutely lovely! =D=
     
  3. DarthIshtar

    DarthIshtar Chosen One star 10

    Registered:
    Mar 26, 2001
    OH, what a wonderful and poignant run-in!
     
  4. Layren

    Layren Jedi Master star 5

    Registered:
    Oct 28, 2003
    Oooh Jess that was simply WONDERFUL! =D==D==D= I adored it!!
     
  5. MASTER_KAYM

    MASTER_KAYM Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Aug 3, 2004
    That was a wonderfull one post :) Well done
     
  6. Valairy Scot

    Valairy Scot Manager Emeritus star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Sep 16, 2005
    Ah, very nice story.

    The mission had been going fine. They always went lovely and fine, up until the calamity. Then ambush had come without warning, as ambushes usually did. And everything had fallen apart, and the pieces had shattered. Now, even back in Coruscant?s safety, he felt as if he were trying to fashion dust into answers.
    Ain't that the truth!
     
  7. Arwen-Jade_Kenobi

    Arwen-Jade_Kenobi Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Feb 9, 2002
    Awe that was sweet. So sad though, that line about their relationship only being better when one is unconscious. That just was perfect for them. Awesome work!
     
  8. LilQui-Gon

    LilQui-Gon Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Jul 29, 2004
    Nice job! =D= =D= =D= :D
     
  9. Kestrel_Kenobi

    Kestrel_Kenobi Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Sep 26, 2005
    What a lovely story...I really enjoyed this. You've made me see Dooku in a new light!

    This line was great...

    Obi-Wan sighed. ?You don?t understand. Master Jinn loves everything. The more disreputable or impaired the better.?

    :D

    Well done. =D=
     
  10. Healer_Leona

    Healer_Leona Squirrel Wrangler of Fun & Games star 9 Staff Member Manager

    Registered:
    Jul 7, 2000
    Wow, that was very, very nicely done. :D

    Can't help but loved all the angsting Obi-Wan does. Also the fact Dooku would come while Qui-Gon is unconscious is so very telling. I love how he explains the reason Obi-Wan's never heard of him. Outstainding fic Charmisjess.
     
  11. dianethx

    dianethx Jedi Grand Master star 6

    Registered:
    Mar 1, 2002
    That was great. I loved that Dooku thought that they go along better when one of them was unconscious. Says a lot about their relationship - that and not staying around until he wakes up.

    Loved the dynamics of Obi-Wan asking if Qui-Gon liked him. That's so sad and deeply Obi-Wan.


    Great job.
     
  12. -Darksaber-

    -Darksaber- Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Mar 22, 2005
    You've done a wonderful job of Dook and Obi-Wan in this...Well done!

    And with that, the man was gone. Obi-Wan stared at the doorway for a long moment, the crumpled candy wrapper in his hand. Then he scooted his chair closer to the bed, and took hold of his Master?s hand.

    He would.


    Very sweet.

    -DS

     
  13. Gkilkenny

    Gkilkenny Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Mar 27, 2004


    ?Do you know if Qui-Gon likes me?? Obi-Wan spoke up suddenly, the words coming out before he had even realized what he had said. It was such a desperate desire to know, he had to ask, despite the consequences

    Poor Obi-wan never really knowing if Qui-Gon likes him or not
    That was a great POV from Obi-wan well done=D=
     
  14. Rilwen_Shadowflame

    Rilwen_Shadowflame Jedi Grand Master star 6

    Registered:
    Mar 27, 2005
    Awwww...such a touching fic.
    I love that Dooku came back to see Qui-Gon...
     
  15. Charmisjess

    Charmisjess Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jul 31, 2003
    Eep! *hugs you all* Thanks so much for all the lovely comments! :)



    VaderLVR64: Aw, thank you, I'm so glad you liked my Obi-Wan. I had quite the drama trying to write him decently, it's seriously been like four years... :) I'm glad he came out all right.

    DarthIshtar: Thanks!! :D

    Laurie: Hehe, see, I do occasionally post. ;)

    MASTER_KAYM: Aw, thank you! Yes, I'm really starting to prefer writing one-shots to big fics. :)

    Valairy_Scot: Yep, yep. I suppose even at this age, Obi-Wan is an expert at calamity. Poor kiddo.

    Arwen-Jade_Kenobi: Qui-Gon and Dooku's relationship is a lot of fun to play with. Sort of love-hate like that, I think. Thanks for reading! :)

    LilQui-Gon: Thanks you!!! :D I love your user pic!

    Kestrel_Kenobi: Ooh, you made my day! I don't think Dook gets all the credit he deserves as a Master. *huggles on him*

    Healer_Leona: *blushes* Thanks so much. Yes, angsting Obi was a lot of fun to write.

    dianethx: I think at this point in their relationship, most of Qui-Gon's feelings on things are a complete mystery to Obi-Wan. Dooku probably comes across as somewhat of an answer key for the boy. :) Thanks for reading!

    DS: Thanks! :) Characterization is my favorite part of writing, so I'm glad they came out all right.

    Gkilkenny: Hehe, yes, Obi's just about the most pitifully cute kid to write. *huggles on him* Thanks for reviewing! ^^

    Rilwen_Shadowflame: Yep, I don't think Dook was really such a bad master. *grins* Thank you!!


    [face_good_luck]
     
  16. River_Stone

    River_Stone Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    May 7, 2005
    The mission had been going fine. They always went lovely and fine, up until the calamity. Then ambush had come without warning, as ambushes usually did. And everything had fallen apart, and the pieces had shattered. Now, even back in Coruscant?s safety, he felt as if he were trying to fashion dust into answers.

    Wow, that's poignant!

    I really enjoyed reading this fiction. I like how you've crafted Obi-Wan's protectivity towards his Master by making him perceive any other person as a potential threat (the way he thought Dooku was being rude because he had not come during visiting hours was, I felt, a defense mechanism). You've written Obi-Wan as vulnerable (yay! :D ) and so it makes his exchange with Dooku and the events that led to it even more unfathomable to an already worried Padawan.

    Good job!

     
  17. Darth-Vassago

    Darth-Vassago Jedi Master star 5

    Registered:
    Jun 28, 2004
    Ah, Jess. Well done, as always. You capture Dooku so well, and Obi-Wan, too! This reminds me of Firefly, even if only a little. Was it the fic you spoke of that you had upcoming? Either way, you've done so well with this one. I was completely captivated by the entire story; the atmosphere, the interaction, everything. So well done.

    Do please post more soon. :)

    ~Vassago
     
  18. obi-isa

    obi-isa Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Apr 25, 2005
    awww!!!! I loved it! great characterization of Obi-Wan! I'm rather impressed. Write him again soon please? [face_praying]
     
  19. Charmisjess

    Charmisjess Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jul 31, 2003
    River_Stone: (what a creative user name you have! :)) Thank you so much! Vulnerable Obi=love, I quite agree!

    Darth-Vassago: Vassago, my dear, thank you for your kind review! You are the conussiuer of all things Dook, and I highly value your opinion and friendship. :) I will post more for you soon.

    obi-isa: Aw, thank you so much!! I don't know--I did have a lot of fun with little Obs. I may take another crack at him sometime soon. :)
     
  20. -Erela-

    -Erela- Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Jun 9, 2004
    Very nice! I actually thought it was Xanatos at first, but it was cool to see Obi-Wan/Dooku interaction. We don't get much of it.
     
  21. Fifilla

    Fifilla Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Mar 9, 2006
    Nice story - I especially loved the part with the sugarbar, that was so sweet! :)
     
  22. Araxie

    Araxie Jedi Master star 3

    Registered:
    Mar 6, 2006
    "He always followed the policy to play to his few strengths."

    That is a very good insight to Obi-wans approach.
     
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