Saga The Dork Wars Episode 1: The Random Menace

The Dork Wars: Episode I
The Random Menace

Not such a very long time ago, in a galaxy not that far away?

Chapter 1
Finally, the Galactic Republic Snoozer? ship dropped out of hyperspace, and Obi-Wan Baloney got his first good look at the beautiful planet Achoo- well, really, at the menacing cloud of not-so-beautiful Spade Federation battleships that hovered around it like a cloud of annoying gnats. Actually, Obi-Wan thought, they were about as impressive as gnats. In his years as a Dredi Padawan serving under Qui-Gas Jinn, Obi-Wan had seen a lot of battleships. These were not very high up on the scale of galactic impressiveness. Besides, it wasn?t the ships that were the most important in this case, although there was the small matter of them keeping ships from landing or taking off from the planet. It was the beings inside that really mattered, although, in Obi-Wan?s opinion, they weren?t very high on the important-ness scale either.
The small viewscreen in front of the captain lit up, signifying an incoming call. Sticking his head over the captain?s shoulder, Qui-Gas stared at it. The screen showed a Pneumonian, a strange, fish-like species with grayish skin and weird, bulbous orange eyes. This particular one was wearing an odd three-pronged headdress that made his head look like a fish stuck on a pitchfork. Maybe it was a fish stuck on a pitchfork. So this must be one of the Spade Federation?s treasured so-called Riceboys. Unless of course it actually is a fish head stuck on a pitchfork. What does that mean? Riceboy? The Spade Federation deals in poker cards, not rice! I?ve heard that Pneumonians are a nervous species, but holding a fish up on a pitchfork and pretending it?s a Riceboy is stretching it a bit, Qui-Gas thought.
?Captain,? he said. ?Tell this thing that we request permission to board at once. And of course, saying ?request permission? is just a silly tradition we keep because it?s politically correct. What we really mean is that we?ll board immediately whether they want us to or not.?
?Um,? the captain said intelligently. The pitchfork-fish-face-guy, as Obi-Wan was beginning to think of him, cocked one eyebrow.
Qui-Gas pushed past the captain and addressed the possible Pneumonian himself. ?Dude, with all that respect and stuff that we have for the Spade Federation, *cough* whichdoesn?tsaymuch *cough*, we, the great and powerful ambassadors for the Cream Supreme, request permission to board at once. And by that we mean that we?ll board immediately whether you want us to or not, because ?request permission? is just a silly, out-dated term which has become obsolete. Yo, got that, dude??
Then the fish-head-on-a-pitchfork spoke, and Qui-Gas realized that it really was a Riceboy, and not a fish on a pitchfork. Awkward. ?Um, uh? yeah. Yeah, we got it. Sure, um, dude,? the Riceboy answered nervously, barely reacting to the unusual manner in which he was being addressed. ?Er, I hope you realize that our, uh, blockade is legal, um, perfectly legal. At least I think it is?? his voice started to trail off, then he shook his head and said, ?Oh, whatever. We never want to lay eyes on your ugly faces. Uh, I mean, we?ll be happy to receive you, ambassadors?.? The communicator shut off.
Ahead drifted the largest Spade Federation ship, apparently the flagship. Qui-Gas closed his eyes, carefully testing the feel of the Forks. Most of the ship?s passengers and crew are Pneumonian. Nervous Pneumonians. Exactly what I expected. All hail me, the powerful future-seer! Qui-Gas smiled happily and pumped his fists, imagining the cheering of the crowd as he told them that in the future, they would make him supreme ruler of the galaxy or they would all die a horrible death.
?Uh, Master?? Obi-Wan?s voice shattered the illusion. ?Is something? wrong?? The apprentice sounded concerned.
Qui-Gas realized he must have been making crowd-cheering noises out loud. Oops. ?Be quiet, Padawan!? he snapped. ?I?m trying to meditate!?
?Ahhh,? said Obi-Wan, as if he didn?t quite believe this explanation, but wanted to keep hi

 

My cowriter, called Lumi (I'm Plaid, and the other two members are Fahizz and Kit Fit) says she can't believe no one likes this story enough to post! Well, if anyone cares, we have a website for it now...

You can find it at www.acornrack.com/dorkwars

Thanks!

^nudging upwards

 

i knew the title was promising and i like it enough to post!
very funny! yes, it is a little hard to read but thats ok.
i hope you keep posting it here but if not, see you on the website.

 

?What, your breakfast??

rotflol

I actually like this! (Well, mostly.) Do you have any idea how much I generally hate these kinds of things? And can't read fics without paragraph breaks?

I think it's your mix of humor styles. Though "stupid" humor is probably the major forerunner, you have other elements, too. Like? irony. "And of course, they couldn?t hear anything over the rather loud hum of their light utensils."

[face_shocked] A lightspoon?! And I thought QGJ's lightfork was bad enough? At least that has points.

?Uh, who, then has the lightknife? [face_blink]

-Misti

EDIT: My brother would probably like this a whole lot more than me, I think. It seems? guyish.

Eh, I really need to work on my English degree.

 

Thanks guys.. I think... lol just kidding! Me and my cowriters are planning to update this on the website as well, so check that out too, become members... please? My alias on the website is Plaid, so look for Plaid, NOT Fahizz. (That's my crazy cousin!)