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Before - Legends The Discovery on Mirial

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by AniLaminara, Nov 22, 2008.

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  1. AniLaminara

    AniLaminara Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Sep 15, 2008
    This is a fanfic posted for a challenge that JediLuminaraUnduli posted a week and a half ago, about Luminara's early life, discovery, etc.

    Enjoy!

    ___________________________________________________________________________________

    Chapter One

    Mace Windu landed on the planet of Mirial, along with Master Yoda, Master Koth, Master Piell, Master Poof, and Knight Jinn, his friend, expecting this to be a routine mission. However, little did he know that it would not be the case, especially when he and the rest of the team felt a small tendril reaching out into the Force.

    /Help me/ it said. Mace Windu noticed it before anyone else did, weirdly enough.

    "Masters, did you feel that?" he asked. The other Masters felt it right then.

    "Yes, we did; thank you Knight Windu," Poof said formally.

    "I wonder what it was?" Qui-Gon wondered.

    ?Well, we certainly can?t do anything about it now,? Master Poof said firmly. ?Now, are we
    agreed on what we all need to do?? Everyone nodded.

    ?Go inside the meeting hall, make sure they don?t do aggressive negotiations, have them sit and listen to each other, perhaps have a treaty signed and we?re done,? Jinn said, ticking them off his fingers.

    ?Not to mention that we may get a Force-sensitive infant to train ? if we?re lucky,? Mace added. Piell nodded his agreement.

    ?Alright,? he said in his scratchy voice. ?Let?s go.? Together, they headed towards the building in where the fight was going on. Mace still wondered about where that voice had come from.

    5 minutes later?

    ?Wait, what was that?? Qui-Gon asked. He and Mace had just gotten out of another meeting to survey the premises and protect the Senators from being attacked, yet again.

    ?What was what, Qui?? Mace asked, biting his lip. Qui-Gon motioned towards the bushes.

    ?Someone or something just ducked behind that bush over there,? he pointed to a clump of bushes about a meter away from them ? and from the Senator?s meeting hall.

    ?Qui, I highly doubt that there?s someone hid ?? Mace began, when suddenly they heard a noise and a whisper.

    ?Jedi, come over here.?

    ?Why, Mace asked suspiciously.

    ?Just come over here, please, for this is her last chance,? the voice continued.

    ?Her?? Qui-Gon asked pensively.

    ?Last chance?? Mace wondered aloud. Sharing a look, they both nodded their agreement. Together, they headed towards the bushes, being aware of their surroundings at the same time. When they were surrounded by the bushes, they stopped and cast the Force about, searching for the elusive presence.

    ?Here,? Mace whispered, sensing two beings right behind them. Crouching and motioning Qui-Gon to do the same, he turned around and was face to face with a yellow-skinned being holding a green-skinned baby ? both obviously Mirialans.

    ?Hello,? Qui-Gon greeted them both warmly. He then stared at his friend, who was gazing at the baby with his mouth agape. ?Mace, what in the name of the Force is wrong with you??

    Gesturing towards the baby, Mace replied, ?It?s her, Qui-Gon. I kept sensing a presence in the Force, as though it was calling out for help, and it was her all along.? He turned to the mother. ?Am I right in suggesting that your baby girl is Force-sensitive?? She nodded pensively.

    ?Yes,? she whispered hoarsely. ?Quite so. My husband and I want her to be trained, but there?s another power at work to keep her here, beyond the age limit through which you accept Force-sensitive babies.?

    ?I assure you, Madam, that we will do everything in our power to train her,? Mace said as convincingly as possible. ?What is the baby?s name?? She looked straight into his eyes.

    ?Her name is Luminara Unduli,? she said, biting her lip and looking about. ?I?m afraid that I can?t give her to you right now, as the elders want to be present when we giver her to you, but,? here she looked beseechingly at Mace Windu, ?could you please imprint my daughter, Master Jedi?? She ducked her head shyly. ?I somehow feel that yours and my daughter?s destinies are intertwined somehow, yet I cannot describe it.
     
  2. ardavenport

    ardavenport Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Dec 16, 2004
    Awww, Jedi to the rescue. Of little Luminara, too. :)

    But it would be so much more readable if there are blanks lines between the paragraphs, especially when new people speak.

    ?Fair enough.? She slunk quickly and quietly through the bushes, careful to not leave a hint of her passing.

    Once she was gone, Qui-Gon and Mace quickly made their way back to the Senate building, resuming their positions once more.

    ?Mace, do you think that was wise?? Qui-Gon questioned.

    ?I have no doubt that it was the right thing to do, and I sensed no deception from her,? Mace retorted. ?However, we must keep our guards up, as a potential Jedi could be lost to us.?

    He could not know, at that moment, how right he was.


    It's really hard to read when all the text is scrunched up together.
     
  3. AniLaminara

    AniLaminara Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Sep 15, 2008
    Thanks! I updated it just now!

    -P.A.L.
     
  4. JediLuminaraUnduli

    JediLuminaraUnduli Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Jul 12, 2008
    Great job, Paddy :D!! Keep going!! *plops down on couch, holding bag of over-buttered popcorn*

    I agree with ardavenport.. It would make it much easier to read. Don't repeat words (adjectives) too often.. Also, remember what I told you about ?bluntness?. Keep those two things (spaces, wording) in mind, and you should do fine!!

    -M
     
  5. JediXManSerenaKenobi

    JediXManSerenaKenobi Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 27, 2007
    Awesome first chapter, Al! I can't wait to read more! :) Keep it up, my friend! :)

    - Serena
     
  6. AniLaminara

    AniLaminara Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Sep 15, 2008
    Thanks, guys! I'll try to post the next chappie, soon!:)
     
  7. mujapple-juicey

    mujapple-juicey Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jul 21, 2008
    That was really good! More!
     
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