Saga Day to day: Qui-Gon's journal just after Naboo/ updated 07/23

Title: Day to day
Author: Seremela
Timeframe: Just after TPM. Qui-Gon Jinn has survived the duel with Darth Maul and is slowly recovering.

I wasn't going to enter more than one diary and I know this isn't terribly original, but I felt the need to write a 'recovery' diary, so here is my second entry for the 'Dear diary' challenge.

Since today is the 15th of January, that means two entries are required

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[i]//Entry posted 01/14/ 969 RR
//Entry time 11:03//[/i]

It hurts to just sit. Everything hurts and I so tire of it. But I have to try this. I need a way to focus my thoughts.

I think I will go mad otherwise. No, I feel I already am mad.

They just ignore it when I lose my words or can?t hold onto my thoughts, but it frightens me, more than I?ve ever been frightened before. More even than when the Sith blade entered me. Because this is about my mind.

I don?t want to lose who I am, I would rather die.

Healer N?oab says this is normal. That it is because of the long time I have been in the bacta tanks and because of all the sedatives and painkillers. Thank the Gods of the Seven Paths he also said I will need no other operation. Or bacta. I think I have come to hate the stuff.

He says it will pass, but it still frightens me when I cannot focus.

To focus is such an important part of connecting with the Force, what if I never again-

 

//Entry posted 01/15/ 969 RR
//Entry time 18:34//


Today I forgot again that Obi-Wan is a knight now. It?s so hard to take it in. I know he was ready, but to wake up and have it already happened, just like that?.

Seeing him without a braid gives me a jolt every time. I just can?t keep it in my head. Maybe now that I type it down I will remember it the next time I see him.

It?s just such a struggle to make up the sentences, find the words.

Have to stop now. Too tired.

 

//Entry posted 01/16/ 969 RR
//Entry time 11:12//

I woke up and couldn?t remember where I was or what happened. I?m afraid I panicked. Tried to get out of bed and escape. N?oab wasn?t happy about it. He did say it proves I?m healing just fine. He gave me his lengthy explanation again about why my confusion is perfectly normal.

They just woke me for some more prodding and poking, keeping an eye on how I?m doing I guess. After that I tried to meditate, but I still can?t focus enough. What?s the use of telling anyone? To hear again how normal this is? And that I have to be patient?

Oh Force, a soulhealer just stepped inside.




//Entry posted 01/16/ 969 RR
//Entry time 15:33//

Can?t believe this pad still works. I managed to throw it all the way to the wall and I thought I heard a cracking noise when it hit.

Salina, my other healer, was actually pleased with my throw. Said she hadn?t expected that much strength yet. Whatever, as long as they keep that soulhealer away from me, because he?s the last person I will ever talk to again.

Depressed, my ass.

 

This is really good!! Interesting idea, with Qui-Gon surviving. It must be really hard for him to be kept in the healing ward that long. How long has he been in there? And I'm interested in this soul healer. Wonder why our guy hates him so much.

If you've got a PM list, please add me!!

 

Love it! Please add me to your PM list.

 

NYCitygurl: thank you very much, glad you like sofar As for the soulhealer, I think it might be more what this being said to Qui-Gon than that he actually hates the person We'll see! And more on the time in the next part.

VaderLVR64: thank you very much!

And it's my honor to pm you both with updates.

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[i]//Entry posted 01/17/ 969 RR
//Entry time 17:00// [/i]

Some good came out of my not so stellar behavior yesterday, I was allowed up. Force, that wasn?t as easy as I had expected while lying in my bed. It was so much harder to move without the adrenaline of panic or anger fuelling me on. I?m still not sure how I ever made it to the chair by the window.

I think I know what Obi-Wan would have called it. As if he?s never stubborn himself.

We fought today, sort of.

He came in when I was still in the chair and he was so happy to see me there. By that time I wasn?t feeling all that good about it anymore. Those new lungs they gave me aren?t up to much yet and my belly is still agonizing me, even with the pain meds. He had to help me back to bed and when I tried to find some support within the Force, I couldn?t do it. I just couldn?t.

This time it was Obi-Wan saying I should be patient, that I couldn?t expect to heal overnight after they took almost three months to repare me. But it?s been two weeks in this bed by now, after the last time in the bacta tank, how long should it take?

I do think the soulhealer was right about one thing, my emotions really are in shambles. It was a good thing this pad wasn?t as close at hand as my caf, I?m quite sure it wouldn?t have survived another encounter with the wall.

Healer N?oab wasn?t very enthusiastic about the brown stain that?s now right beside the door. But what is worse, Obi-Wan only gave me this... angry... look and then he just left. Not a word, nothing. It worries me. Something is off with him and I know I should deal with it, even if I can?t keep my thoughts in order. I?m his Master after all.


No, I?m not. When will I be able to keep remembering that?

 

A lot of changes for EVERONE to deal with.

Great update.

 

Oh, nice...I missed a lot - so now I had a lot to catch up on. Poor Qui - and I'm sure he'll now be worrying about Obi-Wan.

 

Aww, poor Qui-Gon!! The slow recovery must be horrible, especially since Obi-Wan's out and about and moving on.

 

VaderLVR64: Thank you! And yes, a lot of changes for everyone. But since the others all have had a few months to get used to it, while he was recovering, he's not entirely op to speed yet, the poor man

Valairy_Scot: Thank you for reading! He definitely is worried about Obi-Wan....

NYCitygurl: It is, definitely; and if he's patient with it...??? Thank you for reading!

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//Entry posted 01/19/ 969 RR
//Entry time 11:13//

Now I'm in trouble with everyone and not just Obi-Wan. I hadn't managed to get Obi-Wan to talk to me, he can be really evasive when he sets his mind to it and when he was gone Anakin sneaked in last night. He was so unhappy, talking some nonsense about everybody hating him, including Obi-Wan who, he thinks, doesn't want to train him at all. I let him climb into bed with me, so I could hold him for a little while. He was just so lost and in need of comfort. It truly was meant to be only for a little while, I didn't mean to fall asleep with him. I told them that this morning, but it seems that half the temple was looking for him before he was finally located in my bed and that had some tempers flaring.

Force, but some beings can stay vexed for a lot longer than is useful. Or healthy for them.

And I still haven't talked with Obi-Wan. I'm going to remedy that today, even if I have to steel a hoverchair to get to him.

I have some things to say to the Council as well. No child should feel as unwanted and lonely as Anakin is feeling right now. At least I could point out to him that they were worried enough about him to launch a full search. I hope it helped some.

 

Oh how did I miss this one before? This is really very interesting. Poor Qui-Gon, I think you've captured well the frustration of a slow recovery in the hospital. I've never actually seen a diary from this time period from Qui-Gon's pov before. Please put me on your PM list so I don't miss any updates!

Qui-Gon is such a lovable, flawed character. Nice job!

 

I have some things to say to the Council as well. No child should feel as unwanted and lonely as Anakin is feeling right now. At least I could point out to him that they were worried enough about him to launch a full search. I hope it helped some.

Nicely done!

 

Good job of writing Qui-Gon! I really like this.
Could you add me to your PM list please?

 

Oh, poor Anakin!! I feel so bad for him, lost and alone without any friends except Qui-Gon, who isn't even allowed out of the med bay

Great post!! Probably my favorite one yet

 

Jinngerbread: Thank you very much, glad you liked! And I'm honoured to put you on the pm list. Ah, yes... Qui-Gon And he wouldn't be half as adorable without some flaws

VaderLVR64: Thank you very much, Vadey, glad you liked

GeneralKenobi7: Thank you, I'm glad that you like this! And it's an honour to put you on the pm list

NYCitygurl: Thank you so much! I've always felt bad about Anakin, standing so forlornly and lost in front of the Council

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[i]//Entry posted 01/19/ 969 RR
//Entry time 17:58//[/i]

I wanted Obi-Wan to talk to me and he did. Oh Force, it seems I?ve left a terrible mess and the worst of it is, that I don?t really understand how it happened.

Obi-Wan truly is angry with me, for wanting to abandon him over Anakin, he says. And then, when I lay dying, pushing the boy on him to train.

I never meant for Obi-Wan to feel abandoned! Or to feel burdened with Anakin's training. It was my choice to take Anakin with me from Tatooine.



[i]//Entry continued 18.33//[/i]

No, it was the Force? I should never forget that. Anakin is the Chosen one, I just know it. And with the Sith we encountered on Tatooine and the Council refusing him, what could I do? What if the Sith had found him?



[i]//Entry continued 18.54//[/i]

I didn?t mean to push Obi-Wan away. As I remember it, when the Council refused Anakin, I got so angry with them. Why couldn't they see the danger? Or the importance of what was happening? Didn't they feel the Force in it all?

I guess I also saw another opportunity to have the Council let Obi-Wan finally take his trials, at least I think that was a part of it. I mean, he?s 26, it was past time for him to be knighted and he was getting more and more exasperated with my way of doing things. I do remember that. Don't I?

It?s still so hard to think clearheaded, what if my memories are false as well?



[i]//Entry continued 19.15//[/i]

I?m sure the only reason the Council was evasive about my requests for Obi-Wan to go through his trials is because they wanted someone to supervise me, to keep me and my impulses, as Mace calls them, in hand. They already have my former master Dooku running wild through the galaxy.

But it wasn?t fair to Obi-Wan.

When I begun to suspect the Council's reasons to keep Obi-Wan from his trials, I couldn't bring myself to tell him. He was getting fed-up with me enough as it was and now my behavior with the Council, that which he spoke out against the most, might be keeping him back? I wanted to confront Yoda about it first.

But then our mission to Naboo happened. And Anakin. And the Sith.



[i]//Entry continued 19.48//[/i]

I realize I'm still a bit thrown that Obi-Wan considers the idea of Anakin as his padawan a burden. I?ve always enjoyed teaching so much, especially my padawans, that it would never have crossed my mind that someone else might not see it as something good, enriching, to have one.

I guess I didn't really think at all when I made my request. But then, I was dying, and desperate.

Oh Force, I was dying, I was. So how did I survive? No one ever told me how I survived.



[i]//Entry continued 20.23//[/i]

I wish I could have said some of these things when Obi-Wan was here. That I could have found the words. But again my mind didn?t cooperate. I must have been hours on this entry, putting it away when I tire too much and going on when I have some strength back. It?s so frustrating, you can?t have a conversation this way, especially not when your lungs protest in a rather painful way after a certain amount of sentences.

All I did manage to say is that he shouldn?t blame a little boy for my mistakes. Force, that probably felt like another rejection to him. This time of his feelings. He was gone before I could try and say something more.

Both of them, Obi-Wan and Anakin, are hurting right now because of my decisions. I need to make this right, but how can I, bound to this room? This bed? H

 

Awwww poor guy, hope he can eventually talk to them and that Obi-Wan will listen more. Maybe he should show him what he's written. it might help Obi-Wan be more understanding.

Nice job!

 

It's really a mess they're all in and poor Qui-Gon somehow has to clean it up.

Really good entries!

 

Poor Qui-Gon!! And Obi-Wan, feeling so rejected I hope Q&O can talk it out.

And I'm curious to know how he survived as well.

Great post!

 

Oh, I absolutely love this! Please add me to your PM list if you have one. You strike just the right balance between frustration and depression. I hope Qui does send that entry to Obi-Wan. Maybe it will do some good. Then again....

 

You portrayed his conflict so well!

 

Jinngerbread: Thanks! And if Obi-Wan reading the pad will help... more in the next part

GeneralKenobi7: Thank you . Yep, quite a mess!

NYCitygurl: Thank you As for talking it out... more in the next part. But if that has all the answers...

p_stotts: Thank you very much and it's my pleasure to put you on the list!

VaderLVR64: Thank you, glad it came over well. Nice icon by the way

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[i]//Entry posted 01/20/ 969 RR
//Entry time 8:44// [/i]

Anakin slept here again last night. I don?t remember him coming in, I was pretty much exhausted yesterday and for once slept the night through. Or maybe they gave me something so I wouldn?t wake up in a panic, again.

Anakin was lying wrapped in a blanket on some pillows, right before my bed, fast asleep. I wonder where he got them. Maybe Obi-Wan had something to do with it. He was there as well, in the chair near the window, looking at us. It made me feel uncomfortable. I?ve never been uncomfortable with Obi-Wan before.

I asked him if we could talk, but then Anakin woke up and Obi-Wan had to help him get breakfast and go to classes. He had brought some clean clothes and let Anakin shower in the small ?fresher beside my room. He was his usual patient self with the boy, he?s always been good with children. But he didn?t smile much and he felt? distant, I guess.

He did promise to come back later, after he and Anakin had eaten and Anakin was in class.

My breakfast is coming through the door right now. Force, not gruel again! They keep complaining about my appetite and then they serve me crap like that.





[i]//Entry posted 01/20/ 969 RR
//Entry time 10:32// [/i]

Obi-Wan did come back. He was a lot more distant and colder than earlier, when Anakin was here. He was clearly still angry with me, but he also said I was right, he shouldn?t take his feelings out on Anakin. And that he was going to talk with the boy this afternoon.

I?m really happy about that, I hope they?ll come visit me afterwards and let me know how things went. Maybe they will, since Obi-Wan doesn?t seem to be so angry with me anymore.

It?s because I gave him this pad to read. I tried to apologize with words at first, but what I wanted him to know refused to form into coherent sentences. My thoughts still jumble every which way. Writing them down is much easier, because I can pause and take as long as I need to collect them.

I can also keep breathing while I write. When I?m talking that?s still kind of an issue.



[i]//Entry continued 10.56// [/i]

Giving Obi-Wan this pad didn?t exactly have the effect I expected. I saw his face fall as he read and then he started to apologize! I tried to stop him, I gave him the pad because I wanted to apologize to him, not the other way around. But he wouldn?t listen.

I?m afraid he?s beating himself up over his anger with me now and that?s just wrong. He?s not to blame for anything. I should have been much clearer about things, not simply go with my feelings and expect him to understand.

He reacts so strongly to everything, not at all like my level-headed padawan. I?m still afraid there?s more going on. Maybe Yoda can talk to him.

Have to stop, I can hear them coming for more checks on my new lungs and other implants. If everything still looks as good as yesterday, I?m starting physical therapy this afternoon. About time too, I?m getting very sick of this bed and this room.

And I still don?t know how I survived on Naboo.

 

Awwwwwwww. I think they all need hugs.

What a heart breaking situation for them. Had to laugh, complaining about his appetite then serving crap. Not the best way to get anyone to eat!

Nice job!

 

This time it was Obi-Wan saying I should be patient, that I couldn?t expect to heal overnight after they took almost three months to repare me. But it?s been two weeks in this bed by now, after the last time in the bacta tank, how long should it take?

I do think the soulhealer was right about one thing, my emotions really are in shambles. It was a good thing this pad wasn?t as close at hand as my caf, I?m quite sure it wouldn?t have survived another encounter with the wall.

I reread the entire story and I caught this that I missed the first time around - good thing Qui didn't throw the pad at Obi!

Giving Obi-Wan this pad didn?t exactly have the effect I expected. I saw his face fall as he read and then he started to apologize! I tried to stop him, I gave him the pad because I wanted to apologize to him, not the other way around. But he wouldn?t listen.

I?m afraid he?s beating himself up over his anger with me now and that?s just wrong. He?s not to blame for anything. I should have been much clearer about things, not simply go with my feelings and expect him to understand.

He reacts so strongly to everything, not at all like my level-headed padawan. I?m still afraid there?s more going on. Maybe Yoda can talk to him.

Gah, Qui is trying to be master again and having trouble because of his health. As for Obi - gah, who knows what's going on with him, but it is SO like him to fee guilty now - perfect characterization there.

 

Poor Qui-Gon has to eat gruel
I hope they manage to sort out their problems eventually, though I think I shouldn't get my hopes up
Typical for Obi-Wan that he blames himself now

 

That's what he gets for running ahead and trying to kill the Sith by himself. If Obi had done that, Qui would have been all over him like stink on.... Well, you get the idea. It seems like Qui and Obi are experiencing one big knot of miscommunication. Perhaps Yoda should mediate. That way, he can rap one or the other of them on the shin every time they try to jump to a wrong conclusion. Great stuff here! I look forward to more.