Before - Legends Incompatible - slight Siriwan - Bonus Post for DarthBane95

Okay, this is my first attempt at fanfic that I would ever post. Comments would be greatly appreciated.

Special thanks to my totally awesome and very patient master, Vivid_Scripts, for betaing this and encouraging me. Enjoy.

 

.

 

Not terrible, not at all. Very good, indeed. I like and I'll be following this.

 

Yay! Would you believe that every time I get online I check to see if I got readers? I'm so obsessed.

I'll try to post once a week.

Yay again!

 

good to see you finally decided to start posting this

 

Interesting fic, Kassie. You should do a PM list . Add me if you choose to.

Anyway, I have a little ConCrit. Hopefully it should help you with your writing, even if I'm not your master. XD

First off, I think this would interest people even more (meaning more readers ) if you started sentences with verbs ending in -ing, because it starts out the sentences with more action and action interests people.

For example: Instead of saying "Siri ran" you could say "Running, Siri (does something)", therefore allowing you to add more into the sentence also.

Also, I think it would probably be easier (for both reader and writer ) if you stayed consistent with the point of view. After all, sometimes it's easier to keep track of who's saying things when it's all third person view, not when one person narrates in first-person, and the other is narrated in third person.

And remember, this isn't complaints, it's constructive critism, so it's meant to help. But if you don't want to, you don't have to use the critism.

And sorry for the long post, haha.

 

Valairy_Scot: Not terrible, not at all. Very good, indeed. I like and I'll be following this.-- Thank you! I'm glad you like it.

Vivid_Scripts: good to see you finally decided to start posting this -- No kidding! I'm actually really happy I started posting.

KotORBF2Female_Revan: Interesting fic, Kassie. You should do a PM list . Add me if you choose to.-- I'm glad you like it, Revan! Sure I'll do a PM list.

Anyway, I have a little ConCrit. Hopefully it should help you with your writing, even if I'm not your master. XD-- That's okay, any ConCrit is appreciated!

First off, I think this would interest people even more (meaning more readers ) if you started sentences with verbs ending in -ing, because it starts out the sentences with more action and action interests people.

For example: Instead of saying "Siri ran" you could say "Running, Siri (does something)", therefore allowing you to add more into the sentence also. -- Huh. I never thought of that. I'll start doing that on my next Fanfic, because I've already got this one all written out and I'm too lazy to go fix it. However, you're right, that would make the sentence more interesting.

Also, I think it would probably be easier (for both reader and writer ) if you stayed consistent with the point of view. After all, sometimes it's easier to keep track of who's saying things when it's all third person view, not when one person narrates in first-person, and the other is narrated in third person.-- Just the very beginning was third person. The rest is in Obi-Wan's twisted narration, I promise. I didn't realize it would confuse people, but thinking about it, I understand it better because I wrote it.

And remember, this isn't complaints, it's constructive critism, so it's meant to help. But if you don't want to, you don't have to use the critism.

And sorry for the long post, haha.-- You're forgiven for the long post.

 

.

 

Oh, also, could anyone tell me how to update the topic so it says "Updated: 6/22/09"?

 

Edit your FIRST post, then when the response screen comes up, edit the subject line.

Great update - poor Obi is falling for Siri - and Siri tried to be nice! Progress!

 

I am UPPING myself!

UP
UP UP
UP UP UP
UP UP UP UP
UP UP UP UP UP

Okay, I'm done upping now.

 

Great update! Siri actaully tried to be nice!

CONTIIIIIINUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!

XD

EDIT: Oh and the Millenium Falcon had a different name than the one we know and love at this time. Can't remember what it's name was originally...
(This is what happens when I try to read the entire EU...I finished reading Millenium Falcon...)

 

That was really good, I have to admit, it is easily better then mine. I like the way you mentioned the Millennium Falcon. And that Obi-Wan actually was on the same ship even before Han.

 

Valairy_Scot: Edit your FIRST post, then when the response screen comes up, edit the subject line. --THANK YOU!

Great update - poor Obi is falling for Siri - and Siri tried to be nice! Progress!-- I can't even remember what empowered me to make Siri be nice. But yes, progress!

KotORBF2Female_Revan: Great update! Siri actaully tried to be nice!

CONTIIIIIINUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!

XD -- Trust me, I am as shocked as you are that Siri tried to be nice.

EDIT: Oh and the Millenium Falcon had a different name than the one we know and love at this time. Can't remember what it's name was originally...
(This is what happens when I try to read the entire EU...I finished reading Millenium Falcon...)--Oops. Well am I really expected to know this? I just thought it would be awesome if it was the Millennium Falcon they were flying!

DarthBane95: That was really good, I have to admit, it is easily better then mine. I like the way you mentioned the Millennium Falcon. And that Obi-Wan actually was on the same ship even before Han.--I'm glad you like it.

And now, my one man PM list:
KotORBF2Female_Revan

Lemme know if you want PM's or if you want off the list.

 

Put me on the list pleazze! And I just posted a new fanfic it is much better then my Jar Jar story.

 

.

 

Triangle developig and Obi's feeling protective. Beet Siri will kind of enjoy that but not let on, too. Lovely update.

 

That was really good!

 

Yay!! *Hugs Eric*

Okay, adding you to the PM list now, because if I don't do it now, then I'll never add you to the PM list, and wouldn't that be sad?

MY NEW PM LIST:
Revan (KotORBF2Female_Revan)
Eric (DarthBane95)

 

How many rounds do you have left of this story?

 

There's six rounds in the story. It's pretty short. But it is my first try, so gimme a break. My next fanfic will be longer.

 

Haha, Obi loses again. That was kinda funny to me when he was getting all possesive about Siri around the prince guy.

Awesome update!

*clappity clappity*

 

Thanks for reading, everybody. I guess the update is a day late, but I was REALLY busy yesterday.

Anywho...
Valairy_Scot:Triangle developig and Obi's feeling protective. Beet Siri will kind of enjoy that but not let on, too. Lovely update. --I'm glad you liked it. And since the whole thing's in Obi's perspective, he probably won't catch on that Siri likes the attention.

DarthBane95: That was really good!--Thanx! How many rounds do you have left of this story? --There's six rounds in the story, and I think I'm about to post Round 4. You do the math, I'm too lazy.

KotORBF2Female_Revan: Haha, Obi loses again. That was kinda funny to me when he was getting all possesive about Siri around the prince guy. --Yes, Nadroj is definitely something. Of course, Siri likes the way Obi-Wan is fighting for her, but he'll never catch on.

Awesome update!

*clappity clappity* --Thank you, thank you! *takes a bow*

PM's will be sent later whether you like it or not because my mom says I need to get off the computer. Like... Now.

 

.

 

Goodness gracious, why is Qui-Gon always so quick on the trigger with Obi? He's one angry, or easily irritated master.

That said - Siri's seems to be Qui's pet, but I wonder if its sneaky reverse pyschology - she seems (sometimes) to try to be nice, though when Obi tries it gets him a punch or verbal smack.

Poor smacked up Obi.