Saga The Phantom Menace Humorous Version-Repost 2010(humor, silliness)

WARNING: ROTS SPOILERS, general SW SAGA spoilers and possible ST Spoilers!

If anyone has a copy of the original TPM HV please PM me a link to it or I will give you my email and you can email it to me. Thanks-study. PS I WILL include the sexual jokes, or the grand majority of them. I'm mostly going to keep the compilations just the way the authors intended, mostly tweaking them for continuity and language, *ing things out mostly. I even changed some non swear words back into the original swear words.


Title: The Phantom Menace Humorous Version


Author: The Jedi Council and possibly members of MaraandLukeforever will contribute also. First author: Speak.

Rating: PG-16 for language, some drug references and some sexual humor

Characters: Li-Gon Jinn-N-Tonic, Ob-Ewan McNobi, Patme Naberries, Manakin Streetwalker, Senator Palpitatine, Darth Chin, Darth Bludgeon


Genre: Fantasy/humor


Timeline: 30 Y BBY About

Length: An entire Star Wars Shooting Scripts' worth of material

Summary: The Greedy Trade Federation is up to no good, and two Jedi have been sent by Supreme Cameo Valium to negotiate a settlement to end their blockade of the peaceful planet of NuhBOO.......


Notes:
This is a semi- closed thread, meaning only I can post actual additions to the story, though if anyone has any hilarious suggestions to make it funnier, feel free to either post the suggestions on the New Humorous Version Planning thread, or pm me, but also if anyone has a copy of the orinal TPM HV or Purp's Geocities Special Edition, they may post it here without any permission from me, even if its the entire rest of it.

Now, to the story:

Originally posted Saturday, June 12, 1999 by Speak

Somebody on another message board wanted to see what would happen when we took the events of TPM and redid them in a humorous light. Partly as an experiment, I'd just like to see in what ways the two versions will differ. At the end, we can continue the story, keeping the humorous outlook if we so wish =). Please note that this is told in the present tense, because that's how I started to write it. =).

-Speak

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away....

SC 01 EXT SPACE

A vast sea of stars serves as the background for the main title crawl which rolls up into infinity.

STAR WARS:
THE HUMOROUS VERSIONS

EPISODE I
DON'T BE THE PHANTOM MENACE IN SOUTH CENTRAL WHILE DRINKING YOUR JUICE IN THE HOOD

It is a time when people are greedy (when aren't they)
and the evil TRADE FEDERATION is up to no good.
They have set up a blockade of the tiny planet of NuhBOO,
because they're upset over being taxed.
Wait a second...a Star Wars movie that's about some tiny
planet being invaded? How important IS this planet anyway?
Will it really make a difference? Anyway, the CAMEO of the
Senate has dispatched two JEDI to meet with the VELCRO and
bring an end to the blockade....

The camera (yes, there's a camera, even if this is an NES and NOT a movie) sweeps down over a star-filled field of...well, stars. It's space. A republic cruiser flies in towards the Fedration blockade.

SC 02 INT. REPUBLIC CRUISER-COCKPIT

LI-GON: Tell them we wish to board at once.

PILOT: The ambassadors for the Cameo want to be seen at once.

STRANGE LOOKING ALIEN WHO IS JUST REALLY A PERSON IN A RUBBER MASK: Yes, of course.

SC 03 EXT. SPACE AROUND NUHBOO

The cruiser flies into the chief ship.

SC 04 INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP-HANGAR

NOTC-3PO: I am NOTC-3PO at your service. This way please...

They move off down the hall way. Two worker droids look on but say nothing because their lines were not included in the film.

The two Jedi, still cloaked, walk into the meeting room together, being led by a droid which looks like C-3PO did in the famed trilogy, except this one is silver. The two Jedi take off their hoods. They're Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor... er, Li-Gon Gin'nTonic and Ob-Ewan McNobi

INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP-CONFERENCE ROOM

OB-EWAN: I have a bad feeling about this.

LI-GON: That's clever, because your first line is an immediate reminder to all the Star Wars geeks out there of a line that's used often in the Original Trilogy, which will make them happy. But don't worry, my young paddleone, the Velcro is a coward. These negotiations will be short.

OB-EWAN: It's not about this mission, Master. It's something... elusive. And what's a paddleone?

LI-GON: Well, it's the word George Lucas created to mean Jedi apprentice. He invented it waaaaaaay back in an early draft of the original Star Wars movie.

OB-EWAN: Oh, you are wise, indeed, Master.


The other movie and movie script-based Humorous Versions:

• -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  
  Completed HV's:
  
  I (Technically, though it still is incomplete unless there is SOMEONE out there with a copy of the original.)
  II
  IV
  V
  
  Incomplete HV's
  III
  VI
  VII
  
  Not started yet:
  
  VIII
  IX
  
  Extracurricular:
  
  ROUGE ONE
  
  HANDS OFF PART ONE
  
  The Clown Wars- incomplete
  
  The Goofy Bunch-Not started
  
  Rebelliousness- Not started
  
  The Holiday Special is too sacred to touch-hands off
  
  The MacGuffin- Not started
  
  I cant do all this alone. -BLSK"study3600"V
  
  Let's do this thing. I'll post a link to ROTJ, RoTS and TFA HV's soon. But III MUST be finished before VI is completed. That is a must. Now is the time for all good men and women in the JCC to come to the aid of the Humorous Versions.
  God bless.-Brent Ciou.]
  :
  Help for writing in script format:

https://boards.theforce.net/threads/help-for-budding-screenplay-writers.50056314/

The other movie and movie script-based Humorous Versions:

1. https://boards.theforce.net/threads...version-repost-2010-humor-silliness.30643704/
   TPM HV-The beginning, some of it begging to be replaced by the Original......
   
   
   https://boards.theforce.net/threads...contd-add-on-spoilers.30602068/#post-30602068
   ROTS HV COMPILATION
   
   
   
   https://boards.theforce.net/threads/revenge-of-the-sith-humorous-version-spoilers.19980768/
   TO ADD TO THE ROTS HV STORY GO HERE:
   
   https://boards.theforce.net/threads/a-new-hope-humorous-version.177852/
   ANH HV
   
   https://boards.theforce.net/threads/esb-humorous-version-spoilers.203134/
   ESB HV PART 1
   
   https://boards.theforce.net/threads...morous-version-contiued-st-spoilers.50056267/
   ESB HV Part 2
   
   
   https://boards.theforce.net/threads/return-of-the-jedi-humorous-version-spoilers-contd.19294988/
   ROTJ HV Compilation
   
   
   
   https://boards.theforce.net/threads/return-of-the-jedi-humorous-version-spoilers-contd.19294988/
   TO ADD TO ROTJ HV GO HERE:
   
   https://boards.theforce.net/threads/the-force-awakens-humorous-version-spoilers.50036141/
   TFA HV

All story ideas for the Humorous Versions must be discussed on the New Humorous Version Planning Thread, here:

https://boards.theforce.net/threads/the-new-humorous-version-planning-thread.50035610/

But we cannot discuss spoilers on it, but it is linked back to here.

Mav Edit: Locked due to rules violation

 

BTW I'm cleaning the story up, removing some dirty jokes and bad language, while keeping it funny as ever.

[Edit That's not a good idea. I am now just redoing the whole thing, which will look almost completely different from this one. Instead of rewriting the original we are just starting over, with new jokes, many new parody character names, and etc. If I ever continue this thread, it will be to repost TPM humorous Version exactly as it was originally written on Geocities with no alterations except *s over words not allowed by the new JCC policy. -study]

 

Originally posted on the same day, Saturday, June 12, 1999 by Darth Vacuous.

(Paging through my illustrated copy of the screenplay. . . .)

INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP-BRIDGE

NEWT RAYGUN and DOLT DOINGFINE stand, stunned, before NOTC-3PO.

NEWT: Whhat? What did yhou saay?

DOLT: Godzilla!

NEWT: Not yhou!

NOTC-3P0: The Ambassadors are Neeson and McGregor, I believe.

DOLT: Hi knew it! Thhey where sent to fhorce a settlemnt, eh. Blind me, we're done for!

NEWT: Okay. (Pokes out DOLT's eyes)

DOLT: Aaaah!

NEWT: Stay calm!

DOLT: Stay CALM?!?You just put my eyes out, you stupid--

NEWT: I'll wager the Senate isn't aware of the Supreme Cameo's moves here. Go, distract them until I can contact Lord Chin.

DOLT: Are you brain dead?

NEWT: I can put out more than your eyes, you know.

DOLT: Aaah...good point. You!

NOTC-3P0: Yes?

DOLT: Sort it out, will you?

NOTC-3P0 lets out a squeaky sigh and walks off, pausing as one arm falls off.

 

Originally posted by Darth Maul's half brother on Saturday, June 12, 1999.

INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP- CONFERENCE ROOM


Li-Gon and Ob-Ewan sit at the large conference table.

OB-EWAN: Is it in their nature to make us wait this long?

LI-GON: No... I sense an unusual amount of fear for something as trivial and uninteresting to the audience of devoted eight-year-olds as this trade dispute.

OB-EWAN: I mean the stupid waiter!

NOTC-3P0 enters with a tray of drinks.

LI-GON: I told you you should have been patient.


INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP - BRIDGE

Newt, Dolt and Rune Viiking are before the hologram of Darth Chin, a robed figure whose face is ineptly obscured by a ridiculously large hood.

DOLT: This sceme of yours has failed, Lord Chin. The blockade is finished! We dare not go against these actors.

DARTH CHIN: You seem more afraid of the audience than you do of me, Doingfine. I am amused. Velcro!

NEWT: Yes, my Lord?

DARTH CHIN: I don't want that sack of parrot droppings in my sight again.

NEWT: Yes, my Lord.

Dolt pees himself, then drops dead of combined fear and embarrassment.

DARTH CHIN: This turn of event is entirely predictable. We must accelerate our plans, Velcro.

RUNE: Eh, my Lord, how many cliches can you cram into scene?

DARTH CHIN: Quiet, you! Velcro, begin landing your troops.

NEWT: Ahhh, my Lord, is that... legal?

DARTH CHIN: Well, er,... no, not exactly, but I figure... (recovers composure) Never you mind!

NEWT: O-kaaay... and the Jedi?

DARTH CHIN: Make a futile attempt to kill them. We need some sort of dramatic tension here.

NEWT: Yes, my Lord.

 

Originally posted by stinrab on Saturday, June 12 1999.

INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP - HANGAR

The Republic Cruiser sits still. The two bad actors inside realize there is something wrong- considering there is a huge cannon pointed at them. Just to wake the audience up the ship explodes- rather loudly.

INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP - CONFERENCE ROOM

The two Jedi immediately jump to their feet. Gas begins entering the room.

LI-GON: Gas!

OB-EWAN: Sorry, I shouln't have eaten that mustard!

 

Originally posted by Darth Vacuous on Saturday, 6/12/99

Hee hee . . . this is fun.



LI-GON: We haven't time for that now, my young paddleone. (looks at Ob-Ewan) Move your saber, for kriffs' sake, you can't see around it like that!

OB-EWAN: Sorry, Master.

INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP - HALLWAY

A hologram of Newt, surrounded by tinker drones, appears in the hallway.

NEWT: They must be dead by now.

TINKER DRONE 1: Then how can we have a plot?

NEWT: Well, I... ah, well, heck, open the doors.

The door opens and a cloud of gas comes out. Silence.

TINKER DRONE 2: Maybe they are dead.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by Darth maul's half brother, Sunday 6-13-99

Suddenly NOTC-3P0 comes hurling out of the doorway horizonally, crashing into several tinker drones. The two Jedi emerge from the smoke and start hacking and slashing, Ob-Ewan narrowly escaping death several times due to his excessively flashy fighting moves.

 

Continuation of Darth Maul's Half Brother's 6/13/99 post:

INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP - BRIDGE

Alarms are going off all over the place, making it impossible to hear.

NEWT: What in blazes is going on down there?

RUNE: What? You wore a blazer and your underwear?

NEWT: What's underwater? Speak up, man!

RUNE: No thanks, I just ate.

NEWT: We're not late, we're on schedule! WILL SOMEBODY TURN OFF THOSE KRIFFING ALARMS!?!?

No one can hear him. Newt sighs, pulls out a laser pistol, and blasts a control planel. The alarms stop.

NEWT: Now, what were you saying?

RUNE: Ahhh, sir...(points to the ruined control panel) You just opened up all the defensive barriers between the Jedi's location and here.

NEWT: Well, I...Oh kriff!

 

Originally posted by Darth Vacuous on Sunday, 6-13-99

INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP - HALLWAY

Li-Gon and Ob-Ewan continue to knock the crap out of the tinker drones. Li-Gon walks up to the bridge door and gives it a good solid kick. It falls down with a mighty crash.

NEWT: Aw crap! Release the destroyer droids!

Two tricycle-shaped droids come rapidly down the hallway, stopping and unfolding into a laughable imitation of a threatening battle pose

Ob-Ewan: Master! Destroyers!

Li-Gon turns from where he has Newt and
Rune backed up against a wall with his saber at their throats.

LI-GON: Oh, goodie.

He grabs Rune and tosses him into one of the destroyer droids, which keels over and falls apart.


LI-GON: Cheap Nematodan-made crap. Come on, my young paddleone, let's go.

 

Continuation of Darth Vacuous' Sunday, 6/13/99 post:

INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP - LANDING BAY

Li-GON and Ob-Ewan come out of a ventillation shaft and drop twenty meters to the floor. Ob-Ewan twists his ankle on landing, and Li-Gon hits a stack of boxes.

OB-EWAN: Damnit!

LI-GON: Ouch!

They drag themselves to a position where they can see thousands of tinker drones entering a landing craft.

OB-EWAN: It's an invasion army.

Li-Gon gives him a look.

OB-EWAN: Okay, a rather pathetic invasion army, to be sure, but still an invasion army.

 

Same post continued. Apparently they don't want a single post to be too lengthy....

LI-GON: This is an odd play for the Federation. Stow aboard a ship, we'll meet down on the planet.

OB-EWAN: But why on earth would we want to do that, Master?

LI-GON: To keep the plot moving.



Posted by Opi Wan Cannoli, 6/13/99 though not included in Purp's compilation it is for old time's sake and to honor Opi.

Can anyone play? How about this:

INT. BIG BAD WHATEVER
OB-EWAN- I think we have a problem
CAL-GON RUMM- Yeah, they're all going to different places
OE-What?
CAL-Put in your hearing aid
OE-huh?
CAL: PUT IN YOUR HEARING AID !
OE- What was that about the braid?
CAL-HEAR. ING. AID
OE- Oh. (He pulls out a small earpiece on a brown, twisty cord that now runs from his right ear to his pocket.)
CAL-That's the last time I pick a Padawan who's into heavy metal.
VOICE OVER-THE ATTACK CRUISER FOR NABOO AND POINTS WEST WILL BE DEPARTING FROM PLATFORM NINE AND THREE QUARTERS IN FIVE MINUTES. ALL PASSENGERS....

If you don't like the hearing aid/Padawan braid, maybe Jar Jar could grab the braid.

 

HAHA! That's actually pretty funny. Great start, and I hope to see more soon!

~ Estora ~

 

Thanks, Estora. Glad someone's liking this! BTW I'm study3600 so don't be confused.
Just check study's bio.

 

Originally posted by Darth Maul's half brother on Sunday, June 13, 1999....

For those of you who haven't figured it out yet, yes Darth Vacuous and I are the same person. Oh, well.

INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP - BRIDGE

WHAT NOW: Sir, we're receiving a transmission from the planet.

RUNE: It's Queen Padme Naberrie Amidala or whatever they're calling her this week herself.

NEWT: At last we are getting results.

On the lame viewscreen, QUEEN ARMADILLO appears in her throne room. Wearing a massive and elaborate headdress that makes Princess Leia's double buns look like cornrows, she sits, surrounded by the governing council and four handmaidens, Dopey, Happy, Grumpy, and Sneezy.

NEWT: Again you come before us your highness and/or Majesty. The Federation is pleased.

 

Darth Maul's half brother's 6/13/99 post cont'd....

PICARD: Yes we are.

AMIDARILLA: You will not be so pleased when I finish these quasi-royal circumlocutions and get to the point, Velcro. Your trade boycott of our planet has ended.

Newt attempts to smirk, finds that the shape of his head doesn't allow it, and gives up.

NEWT: I was not aware of such a failure.

AMIDRALLA: You are unaware of many things, Velcro. Like the thirty trained assassins sneaking up behind you right now.

NEWT: What the-?

He spins around, panicked.

AMDILALA:(giggles)Made you look! (Coughs, returns to the flat Royal voice) I have word that the Senate is finally voting on term limits. And this blockade of yours.

 

Same post....

NEWT: I take it you know the outcome already-I wonder why they bother to vote.

AMILALLA: Because, Velcro, they're paid by the hour.

NEWT: Ah, I see, yes...

AMIDALLALAA: Enough of this pretense, Velcro! I am aware that the Supreme Cameo's ambassadors are with you now and that you've been commanded to reach a settlement.

NEWT: (breaking into a cold sweat) I know nothing about any Ambassadors, especially not two Jedi being played by an Irishman and a Scot. You must be mistaken.

AMADILLY: Be careful, Velcro. The Federation has gone too far.

PICARD: No we have not!

NEWT: Your Majesty, Highness, or whatever, we would never do anything without the approval of the senate unless we were commanded to by a mysterious dark figure in a robe. You assume too much.

AMIDALLY: We will see. For our royal optician comes tomorrow.

The transmission ends.

 

LOL!! This is great, Pm me when you put more up

 

Be glad to, Glinda.

Here's my pm list:

GlindaForJediCouncil

 

I'd like to note that in just two days such remarkable progress had been made on this thread! Wow! I've been working on reposting it for weeks now!

To continue Darth Maul's Half Brother (or Darth Vacuous') 6/13/99 post....

RUNE: She's right, the Senate will never-

NEWT: It's too late for that now. We have to have a plot, you imbecile!

RUNE: Do you think she expects an attack?

NEWT: She suspects everything. We must move quickly to disrupt all communications (pause) down (long pause) there.

RUNE: Why the pauses?

NEWT: Dang this appliance! Dang the creature shop!


INT. CASERTA PALACE - THRONE ROOM

The Queen, Dopey, Sneezy, and her Governor Some Babbler, stand before a hologram of Senator Palpitatine, a thin, kindly man who sounds a heckuva lot like Darth Chin.

PALPITATINE: How could that be true? I have assurances from the Cameo, his Ambassadors did arrive. It must be (the transmission begins breaking up) a... get... nego... large fries...

The hologram sputters and fades away.

AHMEDALLA: What's happened?

Captain Shatner turns to his sergeant.

CAPT. SHATNER: Check the... transmission... generators!

BABBLER: A communications disruption can only mean one thing. A plot device.

AMIDAALA: The Federation would not dare go that far!

PICARD: Ha!

CAPT. SHATNER: The... Senate would ... revoke their trade franchise... and then they'd... be finished!

AMMIDALA: We must continue to rely on negotiation.

BABBLER: If you say so, President Carter. We've lost all communications! And where are the Cameo's Ambassadors? If this is a consular ship where are the ambassadors? How can we negotiate? We must prepare to defend ourselves.

CAPT. SHATNER: This is a... dangerous situation, Your Majesty or Highness. Our security volunteers in... Nutcracker outfits will be... no match... for a whole bunch of Federation tinker drones.

AMODOLLY: I will not condone a course of action that will lead us to war.

The sound of fighters flying overhead is heard. One wall of the throne room explodes

BABBLER: (testily) I think it's just a BIT late for that, Your Majesty.

 

sorry I can't pm you. The pm button's broke. Again, I apologize for that.

 

OK this will get tricky soon. I want to majorly tone down the sexual humor, but that's going to be difficult to do with the MANI/PATME / LI-GON/SCHMOO scenes that come later.
So I'll have to improvise. Any help here would be hot.

Darth Vacuous, between 6-20 and 6-24-99.

EXT. SPACE AROUND NUHBOO

Six landing craft fly in formation toward the surface of the planet. One of them goes pixelated for a moment before recovering.

EXT. NUHBOO SWAMP - TWILIGHT

Three landing craft(what happened to the other three?) descend through the cloud cover, which mysteriously parts to let them through with a nice wide margin.

OB-EWAN's head emerges from the mud of a shallow lake.

OB-EWAN: (frantically wiping his head clean of mud and small amphibians) Gaack! Ptuh! Blech!

 

Hey,I really appreciate what you're doing, getting rid of the dirty jokes and sex humor, there's really no point to tthat stuff and it's a lot more fun to read with out it
Thanks for the pm, I'll keep reading

 

There are other humorous versions, too, of every movie, and I just started the Clone Wars Humorous Version, The Clown Wars. You'll find links to them if you go on Revenge of the Sith HV cont'd. Unfortunately, I have a lot of cleaning up to do on them too as they are often dirty-mouthed, but maybe someone can help me. I have a lot of work to do yet. I think I'll try to post an update here soon, if not today. So keep checking.

 

Continuation of Darth Vacuous's post.

EXT. NUHBOO - EDGE OF A GEOLOGICALLY IMPOSSIBLE SWAMP REGION - STILL TWILIGHT

A vast army of tinker drones moves out of the swamp (Why ever did they land there in the first place?) and onto the plains, tripping from time to time. OOM-PAH, sitting in his tank, is taking orders (for whatever odd reason) from holograms of Rune and Newt.

RUNE: There is no trace of the Jedi. They probably stowed aboard a landing craft.

OOM-PAH: How can you be sure, sir?

RUNE: How many times do I have to tell you, fool, we have to have a plot!!

OOM-PAH: Oh. Right.

 

Posted by Speak between Sunday, 6/13/99 and Thursday, 6/24/99

EXT. NUHBOO SWAMP - YET AGAIN STILL TWILIGHT

Li-Gon runs through the swamp, with lots of animal-like CGI running around him, away from the mechanical-like CGI. Up ahead, there is a major character CGI.

JAB-JAB:Oh mesa guds!

LI-GON: Get down, you stupid piece of CGI!

Li-Gon runs and knocks Jab-Jab down. The robot CGI tank hovers over them.

JAB-JAB: Oh, mooie mooie, mesa love yousa! Mesa called Jab Jab Rinks! Mesa your humble marketing potential!

 

Posted by Darth Maul's Half Brother between Sunday, 6/13/99 and Thursday, 6/24/99.

LI-GON:(With an "Oh Force, what next" expression) That won't be necessary.

JAB-JAB: Oyi, mooie mooie! Narf! Poit! Egad!

LI-GON: Are you brainless?

JAB-JAB: (nodding cutely) Uh-huh.

LI-GON: You almost got us killed!

JAB-JAB: I spake.

MONTY PYTHON MONK: And Saint Attila spake, saying "O Lord, bless this thy Hand-Grenade, that with it--"

LI-GON: Look, clear off, will you? (to Jab-Jab) The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.

Li-Gon smiles slightly as he considers what he just said.

LI-GON: Now get out of here!