Saga Star Wars - The Real Story (Parody in six scenes)

Finally - the true story of what really, possibly, might have actually happened in that Galaxy Far Far Away. A foolish parody with virtually no redeeming features - except it's quite short! I hope I've got this right, I've never posted fanfic here before

 

TPM – The Real Story

Spoilers: For The Phantom Menace
Disclaimer: All recognisable characters, locations and other elements remain the property of their respective copyright holders. This work is not for profit.
Summary: A different view of the events in TPM. Qui-Gon is surprised, Anakin is disappointed and Obi-Wan has a bad feeling about this.

A/N: This is just a bit of nonsense that came to me out of nowhere. I should warn you that it is really very silly but if (like me) you found Anakin a bit annoying in the movies, you may feel that they should have gone like this. The story is written as a magazine article.



Dear readers. I'm sure you will be as shocked as I was to discover that everything we have been told about what happened a long time ago in a galaxy far far away is a compete fiction!

Recently, archaeologists discovered a recording device from a J-type 327 Nubian starship and were able to recover a short audio file, featuring three people. These have been identified as Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn, Jedi Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi and one Anakin Skywalker. The following is a transcript:


Obi-Wan: Master, I have a bad feeling about this.

Qui-Gon: Obi-Wan, you have a bad feeling about everything. What is it this time?

Obi-Wan: I just don't understand why we are taking this boy with us.

Qui-Gon: He could be the chosen one, Obi-Wan. You saw his midichlorian count.

Obi-Wan: His midichlorian count, Master?

Qui-Gon: Yes, Obi-Wan, I asked you to check it, remember?

Obi-Wan: Oh, you wanted his midichlorian count? I thought you said chlorine count.

Qui-Gon: What?!!!

Obi-Wan: Sorry, Master, it wasn't a very good transmission, what with the sandstorm and everything.

Qui-Gon: Well, now what are we going to...

Anakin: Hi there, Master Qui-Gon Sir

Qui-Gon: Ah, Anakin. Er, yes, well...

Anakin: Is something wrong, Master Qui-Gon Sir?

Qui-Gon: Tell me, Anakin, do you go swimming a lot?

Anakin: Oh yes, I love swimming. I go to the Mos Espa pool whenever I get a chance.

Qui-Gon: I see. You know what, Anakin? I've been thinking and I'm not so sure that you should come with us now. It doesn't seem fair to make you leave your mother.

Anakin: But, Master Qui-Gon Sir, you said you had freed me and I'd learn how to be a Jedi.

Qui-Gon: Ah, yes I did say that, didn't I? Well...hahaha, gotcha! Yes, that was just my little joke. I love joking, don't I Obi-Wan?

Obi-Wan: Do you, Master?

Qui-Gon: Yes, Obi-Wan, you know I do. Now go and land this ship.

Obi-Wan: Yes, Master.

Qui-Gon: Well then, Anakin, it was nice to meet you. Thanks for all your help and I'm sure we'll see you again some time.

Anakin: But, Master Qui-Gon Sir...

Qui-Gon: OK, it's time for you to toddle off home. Don't want to keep your mother waiting, bye.

Sound of door opening and shutting.

Qui-Gon: Let's go, Obi-Wan.

Anakin (muffled): But, Master Qui...

Qui-Gon: Now, Obi-Wan!

Obi-Wan: Yes, Master.

Sound of Nubian starship taking off.

- Recording ends.


As you can see, the reality makes far more sense than the ridiculous story that has been fed to us for so many years. Now, it's time for the galaxy to hear what really happened. Pass on the message to all your friends and family - let's get the truth out there!

 

AOTC – The Real Story

Spoilers: For Attack of the Clones
Disclaimer: All recognisable characters, locations and other elements remain the property of their respective copyright holders. This work is not for profit.
Summary: Anakin tells Padme how he feels. (This chapter disregards the events of chapter one).

A/N: I think this makes a lot more sense than what happened in the film. I should mention that my Obi-Wan bias may be showing just a tiny bit in this one




E-mail to George Lucas

Dear Mr Lucas

I must inform you that certain information has recently come to light that throws doubt on the accuracy of parts of your docudrama 'The Attack of the Clones'.

Researchers in the Deep Space Archive Service have uncovered a security hologram from the guest suite assigned to the senator from Naboo when she was visiting Coruscant. I have attached a copy and include a transcript below:


Anakin Skywalker (pacing about sulkily): Don't get me wrong; Obi-Wan is a great mentor. As wise as Master Yoda and as powerful as Master Windu.

Senator Padme Amidala: Mmmm yes, and he's kinda hot too.

Anakin (not listening): But he won't let me move on.

Padme: The way he jumped out of my window and grabbed hold of that courier droid was soooo impressive...

Anakin: I know why he does it - he's jealous of me.

Padme: I seriously doubt that.

Anakin: He is, he knows I'm the chosen one and I'm more powerful than him. I'm cuter too and I get to wear this cool leather tunic, while he's just got those boring old robes.

Padme: Er, Whinykins... I mean Anakin, I'm sure Obi-Wan is doing what's best for you.

Anakin (stamps his foot): No, he isn't. He's trying to stop me from being the coolest Jedi ever and it's just not fair!

Padme: Anakin, please calm down.

Anakin: I'm sorry Padme, I get a bit emotional sometimes but I don't want to upset you. You know I think you're really nice.

Padme: Well, thank you...

Anakin: Yeah, I really like you Padme, can I kiss you?

Padme: Er, look I'm flattered, Anakin, but you are a bit young for me.

Anakin: No I'm not, I'm really mature for my age. Look, I've started shaving and everything.

Padme: To be honest, I prefer older men. And that reminds me, I don't suppose you've got Obi-Wan's personal comm number, have you?

Anakin (stamps his foot again): No, no, no! I'm the chosen one, not him. You have to make out with me! Me me me!

Padme: Oh well, never mind, I'll get it from Master Windu.

She goes out, leaving Anakin on his own.

Anakin: That is SO unfair!

- End of recording.

 

ROTS – The Real Story

Spoilers: For Revenge of the Sith
Disclaimer: All recognisable characters, locations and other elements remain the property of their respective copyright holders. This work is not for profit.
Summary: The Jedi Council discuss a big problem.


“Hello, this is Augustus Crump on LOL News. The Deep Space Archives Service has announced the release of some previously unavailable Jedi records today.

These secret Jedi Council meeting vids had been under embargo for three thousand years and that time is now up. So we can finally see just what went on in that galaxy far away...”

The vid recording shows the interior of the Council Chamber, with Jedi Masters Yoda, Windu, Kenobi and various generic masters in attendance.


Obi-Wan: I have a bad feeling about this.

Windu: You always say that, Obi-Wan.

Obi-Wan: I really mean it this time. We need to do something about this situation.

Yoda: Agree with Obi-Wan that discuss this matter and a solution come up with we must I do.

The other masters stare at him for a moment.

Yoda: What?

Windu: Yoda, old buddy, it's just us council members here - you don't need to put on the old 'talk backwards I do' routine with us.

Yoda: Oh, thank Force for that. It drives me nuts trying to work out those sentences. It was doing my head in.

Obi-Wan: You aren't the only one.

Yoda: No, there is another...

Obi-Wan: What?

Yoda: Never mind. So what are we going to do about this problem?

Windu: Whatever it is, we need to make a decision soon. Things can't go on like this.

Yoda: Of course if you'd listened to me in the first place, we wouldn't be in this mess.

Obi-Wan: Hey, don't blame me, I never wanted to train the little runt. If you recall, I told you I had a bad feeling about...

Windu and Yoda: Yes, Obi-Wan, we know.

Obi-Wan: And I certainly didn't teach him to stomp about like some overgrown toddler, whining about how 'unfair' everything is.

Yoda: OK, OK, it's not your fault, but we have to get this sorted soon. It's getting embarrassing. Just the other day, Bail Organa asked me why Anakin was wearing a tunic with 'I'm The Chosen One' printed on it.

Windu: What did you tell him?

Yoda: Well, I wasn't about to mention any secret Jedi prophesies, so I said it was a fashion statement. You know, like Ki-Adi-Mundi's pink tutu.

Obi-Wan: So, does anyone have any ideas?

He looks around the room. The generic Jedi masters sit in silence, shaking their heads.

Windu: Well, there is one possibility...

Yoda: Come on then, baldy, don't keep us in suspense.

Windu: Well, you know that Sith guy?

Obi-Wan: You mean Darth Sidious?

Windu: Yep, that's him. I was just thinking he must need a new apprentice since the last one got his head sliced off.

Obi-Wan: Surely, you aren't suggesting...

Yoda: You think he might take on Skywalker?

Windu: I reckon he might be dark and twisted enough to make use of the annoying little brat.

Yoda: That's brilliant, Windu. But how can we contact him to make the offer?

Windu: No problem. I'll ask Chancellor Palpatine - he seems to be pretty close to the Sith lord.

Yoda: Great plan, buddy. OK, there's no need to waste any more time. Let's go and see the Chancellor.

Yoda, Windu and the generic Jedi masters leave the chamber. Obi-Wan remains in his seat staring at the door.

Obi-Wan: I have a bad feeling about this.

- End of vid.

 

ANH – The Real Story

Spoilers: For A New Hope
Disclaimer: All recognisable characters, locations and other elements remain the property of their respective copyright holders. This work is not for profit.
Summary: Darth Vader and Obi-Wan chat about old times during their epic duel.


We have all heard about the last great duel between the legendary Jedi Master Obi-Wan (Ben) Kenobi and the evil Darth Vader. However, we have not been told the whole story. Here, at last, is the full conversation between the old Master and his former Padawan.


Vader: When I left you I was but the learner; now I am the master.

Obi-Wan: Only a master of evil, Darth.

Vader: And don't you forget it, old man. Just look at my cool Sith outfit, while you're still wearing those boring brown robes. You never had any fashion sense.

Obi-Wan: Well, at least I've still got all my limbs.

Vader: Now, that's not fair. You cut them off and left me to die in a puddle of lava.

Obi-Wan: If you had just listened to me, that would never have happened.

Vader: Oh come on, Obi-Wan, who are you trying to kid? You jumped at the chance to spoil my good looks. You were always jealous of me.

Obi-Wan: Anakin, my deluded former Padawan, everyone knows I was the hottest Jedi since the Order began.

Vader: That's not true! Padme didn't think so anyway.

Obi-Wan: I think you'll find that she did. That's what she told me during our secret meetings.

Vader: You're lying! She never met with you. Why would she want a boring old master like you, when she had an exciting, handsome and fashion conscious Jedi knight already? I was the Chosen One, the coolest Jedi around, the fastest pilot, the best...

Obi-Wan: Oh for Force's sake, kill me already.

Obi-Wan puts his lightsaber up and Vader slashes at him, cutting right through his suddenly empty cape.

Vader: Yeah, Anakin for the win. Now I'm gonna go find my son.

Obi-Wan (echoing Force-ghost voice): I've got a bad feeling about this.


- END

 

TESB – The Real Story

Spoilers: For The Empire Strikes Back
Rating:This chapter is rated 'PG13' for one naughty word and a slightly naughty concept
Disclaimer: All recognisable characters, locations and other elements remain the property of their respective copyright holders. This work is not for profit.
Summary: Darth Vader reveals a terrible secret to Luke...or does he?


I am sure our readers will remember all too well the shocking confrontation between the evil Sith lord Darth Vader and Jedi wannabe Luke Skywalker near the end of the biopic, The Empire Strikes Back.

What they may not know is that parts of the dialogue were dubbed over and the original conversation was quite different. Here's how it really went...


Vader: Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke (clinging to a pole above the air shaft): Oh yes, he told me all about it before I left Dagobah.

Vader: He wouldn't dare tell you the truth... I am your father, Luke!

Luke: Actually, Obi-Wan is my father.

Vader: That's a lie! I am your father.

Luke: Well, I know you believe you are, but Obi-Wan explained it all to me. I had a DNA test and everything.

Vader: But I'm Anakin Skywalker. We've got the same surname. You must be my son.

Luke: Yeah, I can see why you might think that but, apparently, I'm not.

Vader: I suppose you're going to tell me that Padme Amidala wasn't your mother.

Luke: Oh yes she was, but she and Obi-Wan kind of had this thing...

Vader: NO! I will not believe that. She would never choose him over me.

Luke: Well, I heard that he was quite hot in his younger days.

Vader (stamping his foot): He wasn't hot, he was just a stupid boring old master. Padme liked me, with my cool leather gear and pouty expression. I know she did. She did, she did...

Luke: Look, Darth mate, I can see you've got a lot on your mind right now and I've got to go meet my friends, so I'll leave you in peace. Catch you later.

Luke lets go and falls into the air shaft.

Vader: Bugger.

 

ROTJ – The Real Story

Spoilers: For Return of the Jedi
Disclaimer: All recognisable characters, locations and other elements remain the property of their respective copyright holders. This work is not for profit.
Summary: Three Force-ghosts meet up at the celebrations on Endor.


Have you ever wondered what the ghostly Jedi masters were saying to each other at the end of Return of the Jedi? Well, now we have the answer.

Ghostly Yoda and ghostly Obi-Wan are standing to one side of the celebrations, smiling happily at young Luke Skywalker. Suddenly a third translucent glowy figure appears beside Yoda and the other two look round at the newcomer.

Yoda: Your old Padawan, that is, Obi-Wan?

Obi-Wan: Yes, Master Yoda, that's Anakin.

Yoda: Hmmmm. Wearing that ridiculous Sith outfit he is not. Thank Force for that.

Anakin: Hang on a moment, what ridiculous outfit is that?

Obi-Wan: I think he's referring to that over-the-top black helmet and swishy cloak get up that you've been sporting for the past twenty years or so.

Anakin: Oh come on, that was not a ridiculous outfit. My storm troopers were always saying how cool I looked.

Obi-Wan: And that had nothing to do with the fact that you were an evil Sith lord who could throttle them just by waving your hand?

Anakin pouts but says nothing.

Yoda: Stupid you looked.

Anakin: Well that's rich, coming from a wrinkled old troll who looks like he's wearing a sack. At least my robes show off my manly figure.

Yoda: Hmmph. Very sexy for my age I am. Look this good at 900 years you will not.

Anakin: Well we'll never know will we, seeing as I'm dead and everything.

Obi-Wan: Don't worry, my old Padawan, it's more fun than it looks. You get to hover around giving out advice to young Jedi wannabes.

Anakin: Ugh, that sounds sooo boring. What about lightsaber fighting, speeder racing, making out with girls?

Obi-Wan: Really, Anakin, you should have grown out of this immature behaviour by now. You're not a teenager any more.

Anakin: Hello! Have you looked at me? I've been magically restored to my whiny adolescent stage. Isn't it cool?

Obi-Wan: Force, what did I do to deserve this?

Anakin: Hah, you're just jealous of me. You always were.

Obi-Wan: Yeah right, like I'm going to be jealous of an irritating brat who's only just started shaving. You can only dream of growing a magnificent beard like mine.

Anakin: Everyone knows you only grew that beard to cover up your face. I was the best looking Jedi in the whole Temple, Padme said so.

Obi-Wan: Well, Padme told me...

Yoda (sighs heavily): Argue over which of you Padme fancied the most you will not. A time of celebration this should be.

Anakin: You're right Master Yoda. I should be enjoying this great victory alongside my son and his friends.

Obi-Wan mutters something that sounds a bit like 'not your son'.

Yoda (waving his gimer stick menacingly): Something to say have you, Master Kenobi?

Obi-Wan: Uh, I was just agreeing with Anakin.

Yoda: Good. Get along we must... Eternity we have together.

Anakin and Obi-Wan stare at each other in dismay.

Obi-Wan: I have a bad feeling about this.


THE END.

 

Rofl. Can't wait for your take on E7! I suppose in the meantime you could poke fun at the tv show.


This message brought to you by the letter S and by the letter W.

 

That was very funny. Loved the "Obi-Wan, we know" about the bad feelings.

If you like this sort of thing, I suggest you check out The Vader Monologues by BlindMan. Welcome, enjoy, and I hope to see more silliness out of you!

 

Lol! Very funny this was so fun

 

ESB: "He was quite hot in his younger days"

Lol, why yes indeed he was!!! Can we blame her? another great one!

 

The entirety of RotJ was so funny! Brilliant, loved all the banter between Obi and Anakin

 

Thank you very much. We will have to see what Episode VII brings - hopefully it won't actually be worse than a parody!

 

Oh, RoTs and RoTJ took the prizes! Can you do a parody of LoTF please? The whole thing was a parody Looking forward to your next hilarious posting!

 

This whole thing was absolutely hilarious, but this part was what made me :

Luke: Look, Darth mate, I can see you've got a lot on your mind right now and I've got to go meet my friends, so I'll leave you in peace. Catch you later.

Luke lets go and falls into the air shaft.

Vader: Bugger.