Everything That Can Go Wrong Book III- Obi (ego) torture, humorous angst- complete 1/5

OK well here's the third book in my Everything That Can Go Wrong series. It deos help to read the first two but it's not necessary.


Genre: humor (for us, not for Obi-Wan. )
Era: JA, ten years pre TPM. Obi's 15.
Summary: Obi-Wan is blessed with another mission where everything that can possibly go wrong, does.
Disclaimer: You know who do not belong to you know whom, who in turn is not making any you know what ($$$) off this fic.



Everything That Can Go Wrong III



Chapter I



Jedi Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi coughed, sniffled and gazed miserably out the viewscreen of the transport ship the Broken Blade. He had been sick ever since he and his Master, Qui-Gon Jinn, had left the planet Andarria. He knew he had become ill thanks to a good friend whom he had made there. Obi-Wan sighed, and turned slightly. He cared deeply for his friend, but this was one present he could have done without. The two Jedi had left Andarria several days ago. Most of that time the Padawan had spent stuck in his cabin coughing and sneezing.

He watched small children running along the bridge of the ship and shuddered inwardly. The mission to Andarria had not gone terribly well. It had been successful in the end, but a big strain on Obi-Wan in more ways than one- ways that encompassed babysitting two stuck-up Princesses from Hell, and even being tied up and forced to watch holomercials by a local gang. Now, everytime he saw a young girl, he was reminded of the Princesses. Everytime he walked past a healer's office, he thought of the insane psycho Andarrian medic who, Obi-Wan was sure, had meant him great harm. He'd had so many nightmares since that mission that he was now desperate for a proper night's sleep.

Worse still was the fact that Master Qui-Gon had picked up on his increasing paranoia. The teenager was indignant at that. I am not paranoid. Paranoid means too worried. If you're cursed like I am, you cannot possibly be too worried. In recent days he had learned that his Master did not believe in curses, and so the lectures and the extra meditation kept coming.

You must release your fear, Padawan. Fear, anger, hate lead to the Dark Side, my young Apprentice. Obi-Wan, don't center on your anxieties. He would have to tell Qui-Gon that those lectures only gave him more things to be paranoid over, and really did him little to no good. Right now, however, the best thing for him would be to feel better. He wished he didn't feel so sick. How was he supposed to function properly on a mission when he felt like this? He knew many Jedi techniques for dissipating physical pain into the Force, but how did one dissipate a common cold?

He saw Qui-Gon walking up to him.

"How are you feeling, Padawan?" he asked sympathetically. Obi-Wan wiped bleary eyes with the back of his hand and shrugged.

"All right. I guess."

"If you don't feel up to going on this mission, I could send a transmission back to the Temple...."

"No." Obi-Wan did not want to give up this assignment, not when they were so close to Lennacht, their destination. They still had a few more days. He hoped he would feel better by then.

"Don't worry, Obi-Wan. I'm sure you'll be fine in another day or two."

But Master, that's what you said two days ago, he thought, but said nothing, just nodded slightly.

"But, in the meantime," Qui-Gon continued, "you should really get back to bed."

"Master, I've been in bed this whole trip," he protested and coughed again. His Master's hand came to rest on his shoulder.

"I know. I know it's not pleasant. But there's nothing more either of us can do. And one more thing before you go back to your quarters. I'm serving notice that, knowing your recent luck, I have no intention of letting you out of my sight on this mission unless it's absolutely necessary."

Obi-Wan's eyes widened.

"But Master I thought you didn't believe in bad luck." He grinned, despite himself. "Look who's paranoid now."

Qui-Gon smiled too.

"I'm not half as paranoid as y

 

Oh god it's happening again! Make the insanity stop!...okay enough about History project. Great to see you continueing with poor Obi's misery . Hopefully I'll be able to keep up with this one.

Keep it coming!

Felicia Z.

 

Heh heh and so it continues....

Qui-Gon just doesn't understand, Obi-Wan isn't cursed, he's just Obi-Wan!! Obi-torture, is a noun, not a verb.

 

Up!

 

What is Qui-Gon thinking? Of course Obi-Wan is cursed and needs to be worried. Obi-Torture is practically a religion!

JS

 

Woo-hoo, the sequel's sequel is here!

Qui wants to take precautions regarding Obi?

Maybe things won't be so bad this time around.

Nah, I'm being Obi-optimistic.

 

Felicia: Woohoo! You're now a member of the very cool sect who got first response to one of my stories. SO far they're: Atroanna, four time winner, Aunecah Skywalker, Sabercrazy (I think) and Obi_ew and now you! Talk about useless info!
Niobiie: I think the real curse on Obi-Wan is US.... The fan girls. Fans like us make enemies redundant.
Jazz: I believe in truth, beauty, freedom, but above all I believe in Obi-torture.... Yes he definitely does have something to worry over!
JS: Nope, cuz who said bad stuff can't happen to him right in front of Qui's nose?








Chapter II


Obi-Wan tried desperately to move and yet, somehow, he could not bring his foot off the floor. Oh, Force, naturally, this could only happen to me. How am I not cursed? Now someone's stuck me to the floor. I'll probably have to stay here until I die or something.

"Padawan, is everything all right?"

"No!" He struggled to compose himself. "Master, I have a slight problem."

Qui-Gon raised his eyebrows. "And that would be...."

"I'm stuck."

"You're stuck."

"Yes! I can't move my left foot." He tried again, to prove his point. "You see, Master? I told you I'm-"

"Obi-Wan, let's not make this more difficult. Curses and evil deities and little bunnies with lightsabers have nothing to do with this. I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation. Why not slip your foot out of your boot?"

The teen's face went red.

"Uh... Right. Brilliant, Master." He moved his foot out of his boot, as he had been told, and felt very much relieved, despite the fact that he looked like a paranoid idiot. That still, however, left the issue of his boot being glued to the floor. He had no intention of completing
this whole mission half-shod, not if he could help it.

"You see, Padawan? Nothing to worry about."

"Well, my boot is still glued to the floor."

With a small sneeze, he bent down to pry it off but had no luck.

"Do you need something with which to get it off?"

"That might-" sniffle- "help." Force, he hated being sick with a cold almost as much as he hated having a cursed life. If he lived to see his sixteenth year he would be amazed, truly amazed.

Qui-Gon handed him a small knife.

"See if you can't cut it off. And please do so quietly."

Because everyone is staring at me. He did not need his Master to continue, and obediently began to cut the boot off the floor. In the process he ended up wrecking the sole, which was already filthy with some sort of gummy substance.

"Chewing gum," Qui-Gon said with a brief nod towards the young children running to anf fro on the deck. Obi-Wan suppressed a shudder. He'd recently learned just how diabolical those little kids could be.

"I think only I could get glued to the floor with chewing gum," he said sadly. His Master clasped his shoulder affectionately.

"Nonsense, Padawan. These things happen to everyone from time to time-" oh, really, Master? Obi-Wan thought- "now, go get some rest. If you feel up to it, I would like you to do some meditation as well."

"Yes, Master."

"And, Obi-Wan, if you need anything, just tell me over our bond."

"Yes, Master."

Qui-Gon watched his Padawan slowly turn and trudge off. He could not shake the feeling that they should really be on their way back to the Temple, instead of off on another mission. He had a bad feeling about this.

Oh, great. Now I sound just like Obi-Wan.

 

Chewing gum? ROTFLMAO!

Oh, great. Now I sound just like Obi-Wan.

Ahahahahahahaha!!!!


Does that mean that there's some torture here for Qui, too? Fair's fair, after all. Maybe then Qui will sympathize more with his padawan.

 

First off....

I'm part of a cool sect!?

Awesome!



Second, great start to book III, obi-wannabe, as usual, and I can't wait to see where you take this.....

LOL at Qui's line about sounding like Obi-Wan!

 

Ha! I told you I would follow this, and I am.

I am not paranoid. Paranoid means too worried. If you're cursed like I am, you cannot possibly be too worried.

Honestly, obi , you're one of the best realistic-humor writers ever. I mean, I've read a TPM rewrite, while hilarious was not realistic, but I have read NO story that manages to torture Obi's ego so wonderfully.

Oh great. Now I wound just like Obi-Wan.

I don't mind Qui turning into another Obi. If you ask me, the first thing the Jedi should have done when Obi was born was to take him to Kamino, and have him cloned.

Aunecah

 

JS: can't say. Maybe maybe not! And thanks!
Astro: Thanks. And incidentally you're one of the coolest users out there!
Aunecah: Why thank you. By the way I love the circumlocution in your sig.







Nevertheless, as the transport ship approached Lennacht, Qui-Gon noticed more things amiss with his Padawan's behavior. He coult not help but worry when he saw the way Obi-Wan was acting. He saw, anxiously, how his Apprentice constantly looked over his shoulder, or nearly jumped out of his skin when a little girl came and tapped him on the shoulder. The youth was too anxious to even sleep properly at night, which was in turn beginning to take its toll on his health. No amount of meditation seemed to help.

Qui-Gon knew it was past time to set the matter straight. He only wished he knew how. I knew I should have declined this mission, he thought. Obi-Wan cannot handle it, not with his nerves in this fragile state. I don't think I can handle it. I just hope I won't have to send him to a mind healer. The thought made him smile. His Padawan had been acting very strangely lately. He hoped they could get through this.

"Obi-Wan?" he asked, walking into the boy's room. His Apprentice jumped at the sound, turning around and spilling a glass of what looked like water on himself.

"Sorry, Master," Obi-Wan stammered, hastily attempting to clean up the mess. "I guess I didn't hear you come in."

"That's all right," the Jedi said softly. "I just wanted to speak with you."

"What about?" He turned wide, perfectly innocent eyes on his Master, the kind of face that had the ability to get most kids out of any potentially uncomfortable situations. Not Obi-Wan, however.

"Padawan, you have not been acting like yourself lately. You've been unusually jittery ever since we left Andarria, and I want to get to the bottom of this. And don't tell me everything's fine, because I can see that it's not."

The Padawan sighed. He'd known all along that eventually, the dark secret he'd harbored for several days would have to come out. Still he had hoped and prayed that it never would. He sniffled and took a deep breath to steady himself.

"Master, please pass the tissues. I really think we should sit down and talk about this."

Qui-Gon sat down. He would be patient and let his Padawan tell him what was bothering him. He just hoped Obi-Wan would not be too roundabout or try concealing anything.

"Master, I've been having some very disturbing dreams lately, and I fear they might be visions."

"Go on, Padawan. Tell me what you've seen."

"Well, it's not so much visions. It's more just feelings, really. But there are all these people- some sort of fanatics- after us. And we're not the only Jedi who get this, either. It's like some sort of sect is seeking to harry and root out the whole Order."

Unsure of how exactly to react, Qui-Gon raised an eyebrow and urged his Apprentice to continue. He knew that Obi-Wan was more in tune with the cosmic Force than the living Force. Since Qui-Gon preferred to keep himself focused on the Living Force and the here and now, he was sometimes at a loss as to how to deal with his Padawan's prophetic dreams and visions.

"What about this... sect?"

"Well, they're completely evil in a cruel, sadistic sort of way. And they carry lightsabers of their own, like Sith or fallen Jedi. Strangely, I think they're all women, some as young as girls. And they're mostly accompanied by these bunny like creatures with sharp teeth-"

"Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon interrupted, "I really don't think you have anything to worry about. I highly doubt that these are real visions."

"Really?" Obvious relief flooded the boy's face.

"Really, Padawan. It's much more likely that these are only dreams brought on by your own anxiety, which is why I would like to talk with you."

"Oh. Well, the visions, I mean dreams had me pretty anxious but...."

"Obi-Wan, you've been completely paranoid lately. This must stop. I thought you might

 

First off,

"And incidentally you're one of the coolest users out there!"

You're just too nice, obi-wannabe.....



Secondly,

Great post! Oh, man, sending Obi to the mind healers is just going to make him more paranoid!!



Oh, and third...

*draws and ignites lightsaber*

OK, Mr. Maul, you wanna play?

 

I KNEW IT!!!!!!

I knew it I knew it I knew it!!!!!!!!!

 

Obi needs to go to the mind healers now. Having visions of fan fic writers and plot bunnies can't be good for your health.

Geography teacher, eh?

*throws some heavy Sith lightning, à la Palpy*

Where's your globe now?

 

Astro: No problem! And yes they have a very BIG problem with paranoid Obi and this next mission is not going to help.
Sabercrazy: Whoah, knew what? The mid healer thing?
JS: Nope, almost as bad as dreaming about fan fic, except that I actually enjoy the stuff. Obi?

Thanks guys for all your help and support with the geography Sith. But we gotta be careful- he's armed with his double bladed ruler (gets insane mental images in brain) and even if that fails he could Dark Side talk you to death about the mining industry in Quebec! [face_shocked] I suggest we go in carefully from behind while he's having his coffee break...






Chapter III



"A.. A mind healer?" Obi-Wan asked, stunned beyond belief. This was incomprehensible. Mind healers were for beings with more than just problems, they were for people with real, serious sicknesses. The kind of beings who had conditions so severe, they went on murderous rampages, or something, if they weren't locked up. He was only a little anxious, and with good reason, too. There was no way he was going to a mind healer. How could Qui-Gon even suggest it to him?

"No way, Master! How can you do this to me? I am not a psycho! I have no need for-"

"Padawan, calm down. Just consider it. I would like you to keep an open mind. All I want is to help you. It appears that meditation and Jedi excercises are not helping, and I don't want this to interfere with your training or worse, become a permanent.. condition. I know you've had some difficult experiences, Obi-Wan. I only want to make sure that you can recover. I don't mean to insult you in any way."

Master, please, I am not crazy.

Well the hallucinations with those bunnies in them, chasing you, certainly don't help.

Shut up! Sith, maybe I need that mind healer more than I like to admit. That thought was so apalling that Obi-Wan found himself blinking back tears.

"Master, please can't I just have one last chance? I'll try and be, well, normal. Un-paranoid."

Qui-Gon regretted having been so direct. He put an arm around his Padawan awkwardly.

"It's all right, Obi-Wan. It was only a suggestion. Do you have any alternatives to suggest?"

"Well, it might be relaxing to go on a vacation, if the Council doesn't have any more missions for us, of course- but then I'm sure we'd end up being attacked and eaten alive by savages, or worse. It'd be nice to have some easier missions, but, for me, I'm sure there's no such-" he realized that this was probably not the right answer to give. "Uh, just kidding, Master."

The Jedi Master tried to keep from showing his frustration. This was harder than he'd thought. But at least he saw what the problem was now. His Padawan's active imagination, coupled with the difficult experiences he'd gone through, seemed to be at fault here.

"Say, Master, I have an idea. Is there any such thing as a life transplant?"

Qui-Gon's eyes sparkled, but he kept his voice stern.

"No, and even if there were, you are not getting one."

 

"Master, please can't I just have one last chance? I'll try and be, well, normal. Un-paranoid."

Of course Obi-Wan will try. He's just cursed, and so the more he tries the more he screws up...

"Say, Master, I have an idea. Is there any such thing as a life transplant?"

There is for everyone but Obi-Wan.

JS

 

I lost track of this thread, my loss obviously.

*giggles insanly*

Poor Obi....
(is that phrase trademarked by now?)

Are the bunnies plot bunnies?? Or are they something more sinister??? Are they Holy Grail related??? ("With nasty sharp teeth.") Very curious...

Too funny obi!!!!!!

-Nio

 

I'm back.

This was incomprehensible. Mind healers were for beings with more than just problems, they were for people with real, serious sicknesses.

Well, Obi has this real, serious sickness with finding himself in trouble even on Hoth. Qui-Gon should have taken him to the mind healers ten thousand years ago, but that would make Obi too unhappy, so he shouldn't.

but then I'm sure we'd end up being attacked and eaten alive by savages, or worse.

You liar! Your master will probably insist that there is no better place for a vacation than Tatooine, and you'll end up mysteriously falling into the sarlaac pit and digested slowly for a thousand years.

Aunecah

 

Jazz: Right, and he of all people needs the life transplant most. But we can't have that now can we?
Niobiie: Well thanks! And yes the bunnies are plot bunnies the same way the crazy Jedi hunting sect are fan fic writers- unfortunately I haven't seen Monty Python but in this series you never know what references will crop up!
Aunecah: Hmm you may just have inspired Everything That Can Go Wrong IV. Unfortunately however I don't think mind healers know how to cure trouble magnetism.




"Say, Master, I have an idea. Is there any such thing as a life transplant?"

Qui-Gon's eyes sparkled, but he kept his voice stern.

"No, and even if there were, you are not getting one."

"But, Master, I could definitely use one."

The elder Jedi prepared to go into full lecture mode.

"Padawan, to be a Jedi requires complete commitment even though the student knows that he or she is to expect a life full of challenges."

"Yes, Master, but Jedi life does not have to include getting chewing gummed to the floor in front of the whole ship, or-" he coughed again- "getting set upon by the galaxy's worst cold."

"Life includes those things, Obi-Wan."

"Yeah- mine. No one else's."

"Padawan, everyone has problems."

"I know that, but not everyone is cursed like me." Oops. I shouldn't have said the C-word. Please, Qui-Gon, I am not crazy. Please don't have me locked up.

"I see we're not getting anywhere like this." Qui-Gon definitely did not sound pleased. "Obi-Wan, why don't we try some joint meditations to get that curse idea out of your head?"





After about an hour of meditating, Obi-Wan felt slightly more at peace. At least he did not feel too much like something was about to jump out at him from behind a corner and try to kill him. His cold felt a bit better too, and he figured he might even be able to enjoy the few remaining hours of the journey to Lennacht. After that, he did not know what would be. He tried to summon the excitement he usually felt before a mission, but it was difficult. Numerous disappointments, not to mention near death experiences, had put a damper on his youthful enthusiasm. However, he knew this assignment was important. Two warring Lennachtin tribes had requested Jedi assisstance in settling various scores.

Aside from the recent fighting, Lennacht was a peaceful planet and known for its beautiful scenery. Obi-Wan hoped that he would get some time to enjoy the world's natural loveliness during the mission. He sniffled once, and lay down to get a couple hours' rest. He really did not want to still be coughing and sneezing when they landed.

 

Stupid boards, I replied to your last post, but it didn't show. Grr.

Great couple of posts though.

A life transplant?

Give me two cc's of a dull life, stat!

 

Obi-Wan hoped that he would get some time to enjoy the world's natural loveliness during the mission.

The word is hoped. If it was anyone else, they probably would be able to. But since it's Obi-Wan, he won't get a break just to breathe.

JS

 

Perfect. I like it when I inspire.


"Yes, Master, but Jedi life does not have to include getting chewing gummed to the floor in front of the whole ship, or-" he coughed again- "getting set upon by the galaxy's worst cold."

"Life includes those things, Obi-Wan."

"Yeah- mine. No one else's."



Yep. Everything happens in Obi's honor -- and "Things-that-only-happen-in-Obi's-life" are about to include something when I start my new fic. [face_mwahahahahahaha]


"I know that, but not everyone is cursed like me." Oops. I shouldn't have said the C-word. Please, Qui-Gon, I am not crazy. Please don't have me locked up.



Hmm ... I actually have a very devilish idea about what's going to happen if Obi is locked up in a room, but I'll refrain from speaking.

Aunecah

 

Time for the two words that define his life...

POOR OBI!!!

 

Yes! The Cursed One is back in action! You, and this fic, rock, OW!

The evil bunnies are back!

~Dot

 

Just couldnt resist replying again...

The Cursed One is cursed! Just shut up, Qui! I mean, bad luck only goes so far... when it spans multiple missions, as well as resting time in the temple, u know its got to be more than that! You stupid Lunkhead! And whats this... you're trying to keep Obi from getting something that doesnt even exist? HOW STUPID CAN YOU GET? OH WAIT! THATS A STUPID QUESTION, CAUSE WE ALL KNOW HOW STUPID YOU CAN GET! Oh, and Obi... use ur head... whats the chance that you'll be able to relax?

~Haunt of JC