The First Place- post TPM, Obi-angst, vignette

OK this is something that I wrote because of a stupid little plot bunny that wouldn't leave me alone. Major angst and bitter depression warning BUT there is a sequel/ companion piece that will help somewhat. Here it is.






The First Place







There was always someone who came first. You never lacked anyone to take my place in your heart, Master.

First there was Tahl. When she was alive, she always came before me. Of course, it was only natural that she should. She was blind. She needed you, or so you thought, even when she didn't want you around. Even when she didn't need you half as much as you insisted.

Yet you never cared when I needed you. I, your Padawan. Half the time it was as if I wasn't even there. You just couldn't be bothered with me.

After Tahl died it only got worse for a long time. I wanted to help you, to understand you. I was so sure we could get through it together. But you didn't want my help. You didn't want me. You never let me forget that you never wanted me in the first place. I know you might not have meant it as a slight, but that doesn't change anything. The fact is that you did it. You hurt me. That never occured to you, did it? You must have been very blind, Master. I don't know how you didn't see what you were doing to me. I was too much of a coward to say anything. I was too scared of being sent back.

It's not that we never had our good times. I remember successful missions where you actually seemed proud of me,the rare times you actually showed a bit of warmth. But they were so few and far between. Most of the time you were so cold to me. It left me doubting whether you ever cared at all.

Then you found Anakin. And all of a sudden, there was someone to take my place again. I know I shouldn't be envious but I am. A Jedi knows no hate, yet I am certain I despise this kid who, in the space of two weeks, came to fill a place in your heart you never even let me dream of. Why, Master? Does being the supposed Chosen One make him so much better than I? I guess so. I hate him. I hate him, yet I will train him for you. I keep my promises, Qui-Gon, and I would rather die than fail you. Didn't you remember Bandomeer, and all the other times I would have gladly laid down my life for you?

My whole being cries out against this unfairness. My jealousy is choking me. Am I being selfish? A lousy Jedi? Probably. But you could have healed me, Master. You could have at least acknowledged me when you died. Yet you didn't. You had to gush about Anakin and ensure that his future was secure. I was of no consequence- the instrument of looking after your precious Chosen One, nothing more. I could hate you for that, but that I love you. Never knew that, did you? You must have been even more blind than I thought. I wept when you died, but you didn't care. You were too busy worrying about Ani.

Thank you, Master, for making my last memory of you one of hurt. If you had at least said goodbye to me properly, I wouldn't be suffering like this. You could have taken two seconds to give me peace and closure. I would still be grieving, but I wouldn't be bitter like this. Instead you gave me everything I don't need- more pain and an Apprentice I don't want. At least now, maybe, I'll understand how you felt all these years. Why even when you were dying you couldn't be bothered to care about me.

Why you always managed to find someone else to come first. Am I failing you, Master, and Anakin? Possibly. But I'm only human. I'll do as I promised, but don't expect any miracles. You've torn a hole in my heart that nothing will ever heal. In time I will make myself get over my hate, but the ache inside will never stop.


Thanks to you.

 

That was such a sad piece of prose, obi . I both love and hate it--the former for the way it brings out the emotions, and the latter for the way it's true. Poor Obi. He most definitely is a tragic hero who only wants to be loved.

*Sighs*

Aun

 

Thanks, Aun- incidentally there's a companion to this too, which I'll post if people want it.

 

Ummmmmmmmmm, yeah!!

You'd better post the companion, piece, young lady!!

We demand it!!





Seriously, though, o-w, great, great work, and yes, please post the companion!

 

Oh the heart crushing angst!!!!!

I love it!

 

Up!

 

Waaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU'D BETTER POST THE OTHER PIECE!

Okay, sorry for shouting, but I want more of this!

Great job, o-w.

 

Aunecah: Thanks- Don't worry, I hate this piece too, incidentally. I normally don't think like that- I don't know why I wrote it. The companion piece helps though.
Astro: Thanks, I'll see about that companion later, if more people demand it.
Arwen: Thank you. I did say at some point that I intended to stop writing angst and concentrate on humor.... But....
JS: Once again, thank you.

 

Up? Please? More feedback, someone? :'( Don't make me beg cuz that's just sad.

 

All right lemme try this one more time.......