Saga 2 Shifts at the Ladies Only Strip Club in Mos Eisely. OBI. Humor. Updated 012506

Title: Two Shifts at the Ladies Only Strip Club in Mos Eisely
Author(s): Valairy_Scot
Timeframe: Post Purge
Characters: Obi-Wan Kenobi
Genre: Humor, silliness and double entrendes with puns
Keywords: Obi-Wan Kenobi
Summary: Just how did Obi-Wan Kenobi finance his exile?



Plot bunnies are coming out of nowhere in Fan Fiction Resource. I just had to write and see what came out. I'm twisted, and evil, and going to Mustafar. And I enjoyed every line. And if I get censured for this; well, those who sent evil plot bunnies are going down with me.

Quote:Even if he worked two shifts at the Ladies Only Strip Club in Mos Eisely.



Two Shifts at the Ladies Only Strip Club in Mos Eisely



Desperate times called for desperate measures. Oh, sure, Senator Bail Organa had set Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi up with a nice little shack out by the Jungland Wastes on Tatooine and stashed some credits in the Tatooine OuterRim Credit Union to carry Obi-Wan through the first, and possibly last, nineteen years of exile.

Why 19? Obi-Wan often wondered. He had searched the Force for answers, but it stubbornly refused to give one. Perhaps it had consulted the Jedi Master Life Mortality Table and knew that was his remaining expected life span. Obi-Wan knew he would die someday, might as well be 19 years from now. But it would be nice to know.

If that was the answer, it was the first time the Force had gone wrong. Or maybe it was the fact that it was Senator Bail Organa, not Jedi Master Bail Organa, that couldn?t read the future. Whatever the reason, the Credit Union had lost all its records and refused to acknowledge any account for Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Or even Ben Kenobi, for that matter. Maybe it had something to do with its acquisition in an hostile takeover by the Palpatine Empirical Bank.

Regardless of the reason, Obi-Wan Kenobi was broke. And he was hungry. He had nothing to barter for supplies. No one even wanted a young babe full of Force potential ? yikes! Obi-Wan flinched at the thought that had crossed his mind; the lack of food was causing him to hallucinate. Indeed, desperate times calling for desperate measures.

He trudged wearily through the dusty streets of Mos Eisely, wondering if it was permissible to use a mind trick to swipe a bit of Gorean stew off some shady character?s plate. He wouldn?t do it to an honest person; that is, if there were any such in a place like this.

The Jedi wiped a shaky hand over his brow, leaving a salty streak in the dust that clung to his face, the only part of him open to this unkind environment. He was truly getting in a bad way. He would have to find work. It wouldn?t be an honest day?s work. Not in Mos Eisely.

He tried anyway. He knocked on doors and offered to do odd jobs. He tried to be hired as a Bantha Burger chef at the local Bantha Arches. They only sneered and said he was too cultured. I?ll culture you! He thought, then drew back in horror. A Jedi would not cheerfully push a youngster?s face onto a hot grill. Thank the Force he had stopped before he put thought into action. Obi-Wan?s face flushed with embarrassment and shame. He was truly getting desperate.

One shop advertised its need for a retail clerk, selling cloaks. Obi-Wan thought he had a chance here. With all the cloaks he?d discarded over the years in out of the way places, he knew cloaks. He had the proper background. But he didn?t have prior experience.

He stumbled against a door, trying to hold back his sighs and sniffles. His stomach was growling and his head hurt. He never did like himself when he got hungry like this. It wasn?t dignified, and when he got hungry enough, he would do anything for food. Even if the Force told him not to. Right now, it was quiet.

The door slid aside as he leaned against it. Inside it was cool and welcoming, after the retina-burning explosion of light outside that was Tatooine.

?Well, stranger, here to audition, are you?? a husky

 

I loved it! Now that's how I picture Obi-Wan spending his years in exile!

Why 19? Obi-Wan often wondered. He had searched the Force for answers, but it stubbornly refused to give one. Perhaps it had consulted the Jedi Master Life Mortality Table and knew that was his remaining expected life span. Obi-Wan knew he would die someday, might as well be 19 years from now. But it would be nice to know.

For some reason, I found this extremely funny! Wonderful work!

 

Ah, Obi-Wan stripping for a living...



Suddenly Mos Eisely sounds like an interesting place to live!

Good job on this!

 

?It?s my lightsaber, madam,? he informed her with as much dignity as he could muster. He was busy swiveling his equipment belt back to where it belonged, so the lightsaber would hang where it belonged. By his side. Not, ah, where she had seen it.




Hilarious!

 

This was hilarious. Loved that he became a stripper because Palpatine's bank took over the creditunion.

You could earn enough to eat well. You don?t have much in the way of talent that could work for you here, Qui-Gon?s voice needled at him. It could be a long and hungry nineteen years. Don?t wait too long, you are getting older. Strike while the iron is hot. That Qui-Gon would tell him that is just mind-boggling and quite funny.

Loved it.

 

*snickers*

ahah thanks for the visual

wow. ya ya i cant see it now .. ewan retiring in 30 years and becoming a stripper lol

 

Lol! Loved it... Obi-Wan as a stripper!

 

LOL!! Ha ha, you are twisted.

 

If only...

 

Poor Obi-Wan! And lucky ladies!

 

I can see many people moving to Tatooine...
OB1: Wanna see my lightsaber? I can just imagine him very, very drunk and saying that

 

Very funny!!

Think I'll be moving to Tatooine now...

If only for those two shifts...

Keep up the good work, this was great.

 

Some time later.....

Attack of the Bounty Hunter

It was the fourth month of his exile and the third week of his new job. Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi found he was enjoying stripping, as long as he didn?t think about it. What he enjoyed was the credits he was fast accumulating, and the food he was able to eat on a regular basis. The information he overheard was a bonus.

Maybe the Credit Union?s takeover in a hostile acquisition, which had caused him to lose access to all his funding, was a gift of the Force. Not exactly welcomed, perhaps, but the Force worked in mysterious ways. Not only was it providing him a means of survival, it was providing valuable tips that would help him in his primary goal ? protecting young Luke Skywalker.

Already, the Jedi Master had learned much. Unfortunately, first and foremost, he had learned that a certain female bounty hunter had taken it upon herself to watch him. Unfortunately, that meant she was at both shifts, every night. Staring. Smiling. And tipping very well.

The Jedi Master wished she wore a concealing mask, not just a partial face mask. It was quite unnerving to see the hungry look in her face; the face of a hunter faced with its prey.

There was nothing soft or feminine about her. Her lithe body was clad in moderately loose clothing that neither revealed or concealed her figure. The clothing allowed mobility without hindrance, yet foiled any accurate descriptions to any witnesses. Her hair was concealed within a tight cap, giving no hint of its color, texture or length.

It was a real downer. But he had to uphold his act. He could not give less than his best, no matter what he was doing.

Lately, Obi-Wan had an uneasy feeling that she was stalking him. It was the way she looked him over, top to bottom. Licking her lips as if in anticipation of her reward. It made Obi-Wan very uneasy, so he avoided visiting the Lars and young Luke.

She?s got her eyes on you, Qui-Gon spoke in his mind one evening.

Duh ? you just noticed? Obi-Wan thought back.

Touchy, are we? There was amusement in the thought.

No touching allowed! Obi-Wan was adamant on that. House rules.

Not to say Jedi training! Though there was that time?.

I don?t need to hear that, Qui-Gon! We both know celibacy was never required. Though you never hesitated to break any rule when you thought it?necessary.

Touche! Though entertaining young ladies was not exactly encouraged.

I do what I must to survive. You?re the one who encouraged me! Obi-Wan kicked Qui-Gon out of his mind and swept onto stage for the second shift. He was very conscious of the bounty hunter. She was sitting at a table right next to the stage, eyes intently fixed on him. He could sense she was preparing for action. Soon. He ended his turn, as always, by whipping out his lightsaber as the lights dimmed around him.

In its glow, he saw the bounty hunter get to her feet. He gave a start as she clamped one gauntleted hand on ....

To be continued....

 

He gave a start as she clamped one gauntleted hand on ....

You're leaving off there?

Enjoyed Qui-Gon's taunts.

Good job (except for the cliffie)

 

Good heavens- was that his lightsaber...or his lightsaber ?

 

"Good heavens- was that his lightsaber...or his lightsaber ?"

Whatever do you mean?

Besides, didn't you see it glowed? Glowed? This isn't Battlestar Galactica and its glowing spines, you know.

Gotta to keep it PG13 and gotta to keep my reputation sorta intact. But I have to admit, innuendo was running rampart through my mind as I wrote. Even stuck in (and removed) an author's note: ha ha, got you readers right after the line about whipping out his lightsaber to end his act.

Wait til you see part 3 (next installment is 2nd half of part 2 which I'm struggling with - can't find the tone I want. Part 3 is going, let's say, a little too well, as it keeps going in 2 directions at once).

 

continued: even if no one is interested. There will be another sequel.

recap: In its glow, he saw the bounty hunter get to her feet. He gave a start as she clamped one gauntleted hand on....



? his arm and hauled him into a seat at her table. She slid the hand on his arm up to his shoulder, traced the curve of his neck up to his chin and tilted his head back to stare deeply into his surprised blue-grey eyes. Obi-Wan bit his lip and tried to look innocent, not like a wanted fugitive with something to hide.

Not that he could hide anything, working as a stripper. It tended to be a very revealing line of work. He tried to avoid looking down in confirmation.

?Hey handsome, let me buy you a drink,? she purred. It was the purr of a Denebian Devilcat, full of menace and deep threats. This bounty hunter was determined to get her man, coiled and ready to make her move.

?Uh, no, thank you,? Obi-Wan declined with the utmost politeness. If she were planning to blast him, he would need all his wits about him. Besides, until she actually did try to blast him, there was no reason not to be polite. More than anything, Obi-Wan hated rudeness.

It had been four months since the titanic duel that had ripped apart Master and former Padawan, leaving Obi-Wan striving to stay afloat in the heaving sea that was now the galaxy, as the Empire ripped apart the Republic like a behemoth tearing apart a ship. That ship of friendship had sunk, never to rise again.

Four months, and the Jedi Master was still huffy about Anakin?s rudeness, not to mention his betrayal, there on Mustafar. He could have fought Obi-Wan, burst into flames, even proclaimed his hate for Obi-Wan, without having to be so rude about it.

Would it have hurt him to scream, ?Sorry, but I hate you??

But, noooooooo, Anakin just had to scream, ?I hate you,? like a child.

Obi-Wan would have liked to have reminded him how politeness always paid off, but had decided to let him learn his own lesson on how lack of manners erupted in one?s face. Let his bursting into flames be the last lesson that he would teach Anakin.

Surfacing from those disturbing memories of the past to the disturbing context of the present, the Jedi reached into the Force. Thus distracted, he failed to respond as the bounty hunter made her next move.

?Gawww, ack,? he mumbled as his lips were smushed by hot lips as she plastered herself against him, pinning him against the chair. His hands flailed helplessly in the air as he tried to grab some air. Even more disturbing than his inability to breathe; her gauntleted hand was reaching for his lightsaber. This was just wrong. No one should interfere with a man?s tools.

Calling on the Force with all his energy, Obi-Wan sprang into the air. The bounty hunter was quick, though, and she snagged his ankle and slammed him back into the seat he had just vacated.

Gaw, more rudeness, he thought bitterly. To make it worse, she had pinned him to the chair and was planting another one on him. Without so much as a by your leave, or pretty please may I.

Obi-Wan managed to wrest his face away from hers and take a deep breath, but she captured his face again and planted more wet kisses on him.

Obi-Wan, Jedi Master, began to panic. He was not trained to combat this kind of threat. The Jedi Order had never contemplated such a threat to a Jedi and come up with countermeasures. Obi-Wan was on his own. The Jedi Master was resisting her frontal attack with everything he had.

Hey, Jedi, getting? some action? Qui-Gon?s chuckles beat in his ears. You haven?t seen much action since Mustafar, certainly nothing like this. By the Force, she really wants your lightsaber.

I?I beg your pardon! The beleaguered Jedi Master gasped desperately, again surfacing from a kiss.

Use your lightsaber, Qui-Gon suggested helpfully.

Qui-Gon! I can?t believe you?re trying to tell me to, oh! Obi-Wan gasped in horror, only to turn bright red with mortification. Qui-Gon meant

 

enjoyed this very much, especially
the 3rd post it was very very good.

The little Master would be quite severe with Obi-Wan. ?Your lightsaber, for defense only. Not entertainment. Not to impress young females.?
?He?s not a Jedi, that?s for sure. No reflexes, no attempt to even use his lightsaber in defense, was flustered and unable to defend himself. Must have stolen or found that lightsaber somewhere. No way he could be a Jedi. Waste of my time.? Hey, Jedi, getting? some action? Qui-Gon?s chuckles beat in his ears. You haven?t seen much action since Mustafar, certainly nothing like this. By the Force, she really wants your lightsaber.

I?I beg your pardon! The beleaguered Jedi Master gasped desperately, again surfacing from a kiss.

Use your lightsaber, Qui-Gon suggested helpfully.

Qui-Gon! I can?t believe you?re trying to tell me to, oh! Obi-Wan gasped in horror, only to turn bright red with mortification. Qui-Gon meant his lightsaber, not his, ah, lightsaber. This job was corrupting him. Yoda would not be pleased if he knew.

Those were just some of my favorite lines.

 

This was just wrong. No one should interfere with a man?s tools.

This is just way too good.
I am loving this story...
Got my ticket for Tatooine, just hope Obi is still working
by the time I can get there.
Loved this
Keep up the fantastic work.

 

Ahahahaha...No wait. Poor Obi. But still...Ahahahahaha!

 

Would it have hurt him to scream, ?Sorry, but I hate you?? [/i]



Wonderful update!

 

I showered my keyboard with cheese cookie crumbs while reading this...

Even more disturbing than his inability to breathe; her gauntleted hand was reaching for his lightsaber. This was just wrong. No one should interfere with a man?s tools.

 

This is hilarious!

 

Why, thank you, I am honored to have earned my first "showered keyboard" post ever! As high an honor as a Pulitzer, an Emmy, an Oscar. I curtsy and bow.

Thanks to all of you for laughing and enjoying this. Part III, or at least the first part of part III will probably post 102805. I'm on a roll (thankfully, that has not happened to our Obi-Wan. At least, not yet. Hmmmm.)