Saga 2 Shifts at the Ladies Only Strip Club in Mos Eisely. OBI. Humor. Updated 012506

ROTFLMAO That was even better that the first part. Poor Obi! I can't believe he's so easily flustered by an innocent bounty hunter

Not that he could hide anything, working as a stripper. It tended to be a very revealing line of work. Gotta love that sense of humor.

Wouldn't it be funny if Beru Lars went to see him? Bet that'd make Owen a bit wary of the Jedi (does this cualify as an evil plot bunny?), such a bad influence he could have on little Luke...

 

That is EXACTLY what happens and I'll post it soon.

 

poor Golden_Jedi...I learned that lesson the hard way a few years ago. But you're right, this fic should come with a warning NO EATING OR DRINKING WHILE READING - IT COULD CAUSE IRREPAIRABLE HARM TO KEYBOARD...not to mention the reader

Keep up the fun!!!!

 

the lack of food was causing him to hallucinate.


I'll say!!! lol I loved it! I hope there will be more. And I don't blame that girl for smooching him! I would have done the same thing!!!




Jasmine

 

He,he...

Gee, I wish I was there!!

But how dare she kiss him!!

He's mine!!

 

Well done, you are definately the funniest author on the Saga Boards.

Poor Obi-Wan, he does always seem to get into trouble.

More soon please!

 

Part III -


It was now the fifth month of Jedi Master Obi-Wan?s exile and the fourth month of his no-longer new job as the headline stripper at the Ladies Only Bar in Mos Eisely.

Obi-Wan had come to terms with his job. He had received no training for such an occupation at the Jedi Temple and he could only imagine what Master Yoda would say if he saw what he was reduced to. Or what actions he would take.

"Gyrate, you should not," the old Master would admonish, giving Obi-Wan?s shin a whack with his stick. Or perhaps not his shin, but his, ah, means of living. That would be extremely painful, if not detrimental to his job.

While Obi-Wan was extremely sad; indeed suffered from nightmares regarding the Jedi Purge, part of him was glad that no Jedi survived to see his current circumstances. This thought pained him greatly, but it was true.

A bigger pain was that his old Master, Qui-Gon, had somehow survived, at least in part, his death. Qui-Gon was highly amused at Obi-Wan?s new profession and delighted in tormenting his former Padawan with sly innuendos and suggestions on improving his routine. Obi-Wan often wished his old Master would just stay dead. Then he could continue to mourn him, rather than listen to him.

The bar?s owner was well pleased with her newest headliner. Business had increased tenfold. Word had spread, and it wasn?t just Mos Eisely women who crowded the bar, but women from the outlying areas who in the past had rarely come to town. On Market Days the women lined up outside the door, braving dust storms and the disgusted look of the passing males.

Trouble was brewing, and the unassuming Jedi Master was the totally unaware center of the storm. While the women crowded the bar, the men sat glumly in the cantinas, well aware they no longer measured up in their wives eyes. Obi-Wan was becoming a wanted man around town. Wanted by the women and wanted away from the women by the men.

After his shifts ended, Obi-Wan would wrap himself back in his Jedi robes, pull the hood over his head and sit in a shadowed corner to eat his evening meal. Tonight started out no different from any other. It ended up far different: When the events started in motion ended, Obi-Wan would be exiled a second time.

Just as Obi-Wan was finishing his turn, he thought he felt something. He was inordinately relieved the touch was against his mind, rather than his skin. He was a bit ticklish, truth be told.

In fact, the twists and wiggles he gave as he earned his tips were as much a direct result of the credits being stuffed in his, ah, as it was his routine, considering the eager, grasping hands of the women fighting to leave their tips.

He found the brushing of female hands against him to be rather distressing, though it was infinitely preferable to the groping hands of the more inebriated or bold females. To better elude their reach, he had taken to spreading lotion over himself before taking the stage. While his skin was no longer impoverished by the blast furnace that was Tatooine?s winds, for some reason his glistening skin had seemed to attract more hands than before.
It was like these females were shopping...he had the goods and they wanted -.

Nuts, Qui-Gon offered pushing a bowl forward suggestively on a table below Obi-Wan.

Okay, Obi-Wan thought grimly, change the metaphor and get off this subject. It was like he was a delivery man and they wanted - .

They want your package, Qui-Gon slipped in, only to laugh as Obi-Wan nearly missed a step and fell. Obi-Wan bit his lip and wrenched his mind back to analyzing, not making metaphors.

No, he thought he had felt someone?s mind, someone he knew, though not well. The number of females he was acquainted with - for it was a female?s mind - that he knew on Tatooine could be counted on one hand. The bar owner and ? he blanched. Beru Lars!

He looked around and saw her next to the stage, a hand over her mouth in shock. Her other hand was extended with a rather large tip, ready to stuff it in his, ah,

 

Perhaps the Force had a sense of humor. Or maybe it was female and just needed something to keep its spirit up after the Purge. It had never let him down.

This one caught me at work...Not good for my curriculum, not good...

 

Holy crap that was hilarious. Good old Beru, who knew (didn't mean for that to rhyme).

Great job!

 

I'll be posting another section tomorrow! Thanks all for your kind comments - especially to Aiel who wrote: "you are definately the funniest author on the Saga Boards."

 

Continued....

Size matters not, Qui-Gon whispered in a wicked imitation of Yoda.

Obi-Wan was scandalized. He pushed Qui-Gon out of his mind and locked the door to his shields behind him. Taking a deep breath, he pushed his stripper persona away from him and became all Jedi.

?How is young Luke?? he inquired. ?I wanted to give you some time to bond as a family before I visited, and I also wanted to gather information and be sure my identify was not compromised beforehand.?

Beru snickered as her eyes went to his lightsaber, carefully tucked away. ?Don?t you think your waving that thing about sort of ?compromises? you??

Obi-Wan blushed. ?They all think it?s black market stuff. It?s not like we engrave our names on them, or anything. Besides, it?s mainly human females who come in here. Other than that bounty hunter last month, they don?t seem to be looking for a Jedi.?

Oh, no, who would look for a Jedi when they could just look at this Jedi, Beru thought with a half-smile.

Until she had entered this bar, she would never have believed that Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi was the man who was the talk of Mos Eisely. This soft spoken man with a wry smile and sad eyes.

Along with his other attractions, his tendency to blush made her insides turn to mush - Beru blushed herself and reminded herself she was a happily married woman. With a family. And there was no way Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi would ever ? she blushed again.

?If you think it?s safe, then please come to see us. You?re always welcome, you know. Owen will be pleased to know you?re settling in so well, and so happy to see you.?

Not as happy to *see* you as she is, Qui-Gon snickered. He?d known how polite Obi-Wan was, so he?d knocked on the doors of his shields, knowing Obi-Wan would play nice and let him back in.

Who?d have thought it, Obi-Wan Kenobi, heart--throb to dozens.

I only do what I must, Obi-Wan thought back. Do you think I actually enjoy it? Besides, you pushed me into this.

Only so you?d survive the next 19 years. There seemed a twinge of sorrow behind the thought.

Just what is this about 19 years? Obi-Wan wondered. You might as well tell me. I?ve got a pretty good idea that I won?t get off Tatooine until then.
Um, yeah, that?s it, Qui-Gon agreed quickly. Too quickly.

Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow. He didn?t need to consult his dog-eared copy of The Idiots Guide to the Ideal Master and Padawan Relationship, chapter 10, How to Break News to your Padawan, to know Qui-Gon was speaking less than the full truth.

The book hadn?t helped him at all with training Anakin. He had given it 1 ½ stars on Galaxyopinions.com and put it up for sale on GFFA-Bay after Anakin turned evil. The winning bidder had been none other than Emperor Palpatine. He hoped the Emperor had greater success with it than he had.

Obi-Wan sighed; it was pretty clear that Qui-Gon had consulted the Jedi Master Mortality Table, for he now had a pretty good idea that with all these evasions and references to 19 years, that something life shattering was going to happen in 19 years. But, he cheered up, he had 19 years ahead of him. He would start to worry in about, oh, 18 ½ years.

However, he had forgotten he had been on Tatooine for nearly half a year. He was going to get quite a shock in 18 ½ years. Not 19.

That?s right, Beru had asked that he come by for a visit. Not being wise in the ways of the world, he never once thought what it might look like to a busy man like Owen Lars: being invited to visit a woman whose husband was to busy to spend any time with her.

The Jedi?s eyes crinkled with pleasure at the thought of seeing young Luke again, that cute spawn of the Scourge of the Galaxy, the sparkle drowning the shadows hidden in the depths of his eyes.

He had at least 19 years before rejoining the Force; Luke would be over the age of majority by then and would just have to take care of himself if Obi-Wan died or retired. His job was to protect

 

Oh poor Obiwan he dosen't get what Owen is upset over. Excellent work with all the double stuff.

 

Hahahahahahahaha....Can't breathe.....

 

Now, at least,we know why Owen doesn't seem to like Obi-Wan. Glad you all enjoyed it. This was actually hard to write at times; kept going serious when it was supposed to be tongue in cheek.

 

truly hilarious!

And of course the Force is female! It played the male role to get Shmi pregnant, now 'she' needs a male to bring balance! And it looks like it chose a nice specimen

 

The Idiots Guide to the Ideal Master and Padawan Relationship,



I love it!

And Palpatine bought it?



I also enjoyed Obi-Wan's...uh...unworldlyness!

Great update!!

 

Once, the Jedi had even given her a private demonstration of his skill with the lightsaber, hoping it would set her mind at ease.

(smilie to fainting)

 

::giggles at all the inueundos::

Most funny. Now we all know why Owen doesn't like Obi-wan, envy.


Post more!

 

You want more?! Okay, throwing the future direction of this story to the readers - any where you'd like this story to go?

 

Absolutely hilarious! And take it where your muse leads, even if it is in an unexpected direction. The muse generally knows best!

 

No touching allowed! Obi-Wan was adamant on that. House rules.

Would anyone happen to have seen Closer lately?

This is really good.
MORE PLEASE!!!!!!!!

 

Oh nooo! Poor Obi Wan! PLEASE let him get the chance to prove it to Owen that he didn't mean, ah, you know. Well, at least let Beru tell him. Anyway, I love this! Please add to it!







Jasmine

 

Obi-Wan screwed up his eyes and stuck a finger in his ear to see if he could dislodge Qui-Gon from his mind. If he could see Qui-Gon, the Jedi Master knew he?d be standing in front of him with his head thrown back crowing with joy, his arms crossed, and his eyes twinkling with mirth at Obi-Wan?s dismay.

oh...my......
could i get the adress to this place please?

 

It was now going on a year since Jedi Master ? now Master Stripper ? Obi-Wan Kenobi had found his new calling in life. Unfortunately, with the menfolk locking their women up and threatening all sorts of trouble, the bar was no longer filled at night. His tips were down, way down, and it was time to replace his ? ah, that thing ? with another that wasn?t all stretched out with past credits stuffed into ? ah, that-yes.

Those didn?t come cheap; he had had to order them on-line and they were pricey ? custom made as he didn?t fit the standard sizes the company offered. No, if the ? ah, was big enough ? it was made for a much bigger man, such as his old master, Qui-Gon. If it fit his hips, it was too small ? ah, there.

He was on his way to the refresher when the bar owner called him aside and advised that she regretted it, but that she knew she had to let him go.

?I know, that?s where I was headed,? he said in some confusion, blushing even though it was a perfectly natural part of life, and pulled away, being in a bit of a hurry.

He was doing what needed to be done, when he heard: You?re being let go. Qui-Gon appeared before him, explaining helpfully.

Qui-Gon! The Jedi Master said in a strangled voice as he hurriedly covered up. Don?t you ever check first to see if it?s a good time to just drop in? People may find it embarrassing.

You?ve got nothing to be embarrassed about, Qui-Gon advised, though he politely looked away. Obi-Wan just sighed.

So I?m being let go where? Maybe a nice island where the living is easy?

You don?t want to go to the island, really. It?s not good for your health. You?ve been let go. Released. Out of work. Unemployed, you know, fired. Qui-Gon waved a ghostly hand.

Sith Spawn! Not again! Obi-Wan cursed. That apprentice of his had really ruined his life ? first he had killed all his colleagues and exiled Obi-Wan to this desolate place. Just when he?d found a new purpose in life, he lost that career, too. He really was a failure. Just how badly was he going to screw up young Luke?

Gloomily, he re-entered the main room and walked up to the owner for his last wages.

?I?m sorry, Ben,? she said. ?You were the best thing that ever happened to this town, so of course them jealous menfolk had to spoil everything. However, I?ve got some good news for you, if you?re willing to hire yourself out for private parties. The work will be sporadic, I?m sure, but private parties pay well.? She smirked. Obi-Wan straightened and stared her in the eyes, tilted his head to one side ? and thought about it.

?Okay, I?ll consider it,? he said upon reflection. ?You know how to reach me.?

?Oh, I?ll be in touch,? she agreed, her eyes running up and down his body. ?Umm, yes, I may be throwing a party myself, soon. Later, Ben.?

Well, by the Force! Qui-Gon chortled beside him. Are you really loosening up, Obi-Wan? I mean, you?ve never before, um, partied, have you? You?ll be in for quite a treat, I?ll say.

Huh? Obi-Wan stared blankly at him. Parties, only in private residences, rather than here in the bar ? just what are you talking about?

More like some one on one activity was what I thought she meant, Qui-Gon grinned, as Obi-Wan stared at him, thought about the words, and suddenly blushed.

Oh. Well, I can always say no, right?

But why would you?

For once in his life, Obi-Wan Kenobi, he of skilled tongue and known never to be at a loss for words, had none. He wondered, suddenly, just which of them was the wiser man.