Beyond - Legends 800 years after ANH (chapter 1) ( AU)- need advice on POV

Hey all,

Im looking for general adive and specific advice on POV changing.
I changed the POV here to invoke readers emotions.

The entire piece is unfinished, but it solely centres around Trei's perspective, (both 3rd limited + 1st)
I made a decision when and where i wanted to change, but my proofs either like it or hate it!

Can ye throw out some critique's i can take the good with the bad.
(im tying this in with the POV thread in the resource forum)

no title,
senario 800 years after ANH.
There is the legacy of the jedi and their teaching but there is no centralised school of jedi or organisation. There are force users all over the galaxy but they stay introverted in thier own worlds and clans.

The thought and teachings have fed down thru generations thru direct family learnings, i.e. Corrans teachings to his children, and down to his kids kids etc have become warped and now are completely different to KYP's ~+ Lukes legacy....
they are all in comflict, most are at war.

KEY POINT: there is no good/evil, right or wrong, there are only choices, and the context in which the decision is made.

As ive said this is a work in progress and is a serious of 8 shorts that may or may not be developed into books later, as a cal basis...

anyway back to the POV issues, what do ye reckon here................

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Chapter 1

This is Trei

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An orange glow of darkness surrounded them. The eternal night warmed to the blaze of fire and ruin.
And they ran. Running as hard as they could, from something, to something, it didn?t matter, just running.

"Get Down" barked Trei's father.
His rough hands caught the scruff of Trei's neck forcing him to an unyielding union of earth and face.
"Don't move" his father ordered "Don't think. Don't make a sound"

Trei lay, in fear, considering this strange combination of damp mud and dry ash that forced its way thru his senses.
He lay on the lives and homes of many and none, years of conflict and moments of peace, and he was lost, he was found.
Almost.

Nothing bad could happen to Trei with his father by his side, or could it?
He had never seen his guardians act like this before. Sure, a 7 year old kid, like Trei, was allowed fear, almost expected to embrace it, to keep him on his toes, but the fear his father felt was different.
Much Different.
Trei could feel it. In what brief understanding of the force he could feel things, maybe not understand them but he could feel them, and his father felt wrong.

Blinding lights and thunderous ROAR, his fathers apprehension parried by the increased pressure forcing Trei to the floor, as the aircraft flew barely meters overhead. Trei felt pulled into the air, practically sucked into the aftermath of the passing craft. For that moment Trei felt the end, and felt relieved.
Almost.

"Too close" his father now said, whispering, "They know we are here! Up, Up. We got to go"
Trei was hauled to his feet and pushed to a trot.
Over brick, thru muddy streams, into open doors, passing bodies and shrapnel everywhere, this place was hell. This place was home.
Almost.

After a solid twenty minutes of pace they jerked to a stop. "No!" Trei's father exclaimed, sudden realisation on his face. "How could I have been so stupid!" and added in a whisper ?no?
"What is it? What?s wrong?" Trei cried in panic.
His father was statuesque as he looked around.
"Father, what is it!"
"Stop, listen, can you feel it?"
Trei stopped and listened, like any good boy obeying his fathers command, but frustration washed over him.
He didn?t feel it.
He closed his eyes and tried harder, almost imagining blood pouring from his head with the pressure, self imposed but still pressure, no less.
And he couldn't feel it

"No, no I can?t. Dad what?s going on? I?m scared"
Oblivious to his son, apparently, his sweepin

 

i dont mean to be rude, but should i be quiet and take this (no response) as a negative?

Should i rewrite leaving out the 1st person shift?

Ta

 

That was...that was...FANTASTIC! That was the most moving thing I've ever read! It was...sad,
and beautiful and heart-wrenching...and VERY well-written.

And just so you know, I didn't even notice the shift! I had read your 2'nd post before I read the actual
story, and I was almost at the end before I realized the POV had even changed, and that was only because
I knew the shift was there.


WONDERFUL job on this story, bobdonny.
That was absolutely brilliant.

 

I really, really appreciate the time you took to read my story.

You have no idea how much your comments mean to me,

Thanks again

Bob