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FF:NZ A Brief Description of Our Fair Country

Discussion in 'Oceania Discussion Boards' started by SWNZ, May 24, 2001.

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  1. SWNZ

    SWNZ Jedi Padawan star 4

    Nov 27, 2000
    Written by an unnamed person from the North Island living in Auckland.

    New Zealand is situated the same distance eastwards from Australia as London is to Moscow. So if anybody tells you it's right next to Australia, tell them to piss off.

    It is bigger than Connecticut, but smaller than Canada. There are two main islands - The North Island and The South Island. There are also about a zillion other islands dotted around and about, none of which
    should concern you. The South Island is slightly bigger than the North
    Island, but South Islanders that refer to themselves as "Mainlanders" are grogans.

    The largest city in New Zealand is Auckland, which has a population of approximately 1,200,000 people, many of whom own Holdens (see below).
    The capital is Wellington, which is really boring and windy so don't go there.

    The fourth largest New Zealand city is called Bondi, a suburb of Sydney. It has more New Zealanders in it than Hamilton.

    Lake Taupo, situated in the centre of the North Island, is very big, but smaller than Texas, and has less guns but more trout.

    The worst place in New Zealand goes by the tantalising and evocative name of Bulls, population two men and a dog. It has achieved its dubious distinction by having the bones of stranded hitch hikers scattered along all points of egress. It is a hole; if you manage to escape it within five hours of having entered it, you can count yourself
    very lucky indeed.

    All you need know when travelling in New Zealand is:
    North Island = beaches
    South Island = mountains
    And don't go to Dannevirke, you'll hate it.

    I was recently told about the perfect NZ tourist's map. It is a world map produced by an English publisher for use in schools, probably in the 1940s or 50s. It has marked on New Zealand three cities - Auckland,
    Wellington and Bennydale. Go to Bennydale, it's choice. Mollusc's dad got beaten up by a big Maori woman in the Bennydale pub in 1976.

    If you're a Crowded House or Split Enz fan, a pilgrimage to Te Awamutu is essential. You will see why Split Enz split, and why Neil Finn now lives in Auckland.

    Hamilton is a strange place - very foggy in winter. If you are hitchhiking in the area and somebody offers you a lift "as far as
    Hamilton", you can guarantee you will end up walking from one side of town to the other.
    This will:
    a) take about two hours, and
    b) not endear you to any part of the stinky, boring, flat, green Waikato plains.

    Many years ago a bloke called Maui went fishing with his brothers, using his grandmother's jawbone as a fish hook (apparently his grandmother's jaw fell off through overuse, an object lesson in

    He caught a big fish and hauled it to the surface. It was a big fish (man). Like, really really big. About as big as the North Island. In fact, if the truth be told, it *was* the North Island. But that's okay, because Maui's canoe was pretty large as well, as big as the South Island (get the

    Maui's brothers, seeing the size of the fish, became jealous and laid into it with their meres and axes, thus conveniently
    transforming it into a fairly rugged bit of heavily forested fish (or land, as geologists prefer to call it). A bit after that, in a huge migration from Hawaiiki (probably no relation), the Maori people arrived in this new land of Aotearoa, The Land of The Long White Cloud.

    After spending about 1000 years not inventing the internal combustion engine, nuclear Weapons, those horrible guttering systems which get clogged up with leaves and twigs and dead sparrows and need to be
    cleaned out every six months; or Unix, the country was colonised (invaded) by Europeans, bringing blankets, muskets, whaling ships, God, herpes, tuberculosis and guttering systems.

    The Maoris, overwhelmed by the European's staggering generosity, occasionally went berko and killed some settlers, but to no avail.

    By 1840, the Treaty of Waitangi - popularly advertised as New Zealand's founding document - was signed by the Governor of New Zealand (representing Queen Vicky of
  2. Obi-Jace

    Obi-Jace Jedi Youngling star 3

    May 20, 2001
    Isn't it funny how since it's written by a Kiwi it's funny, but if it was written by 'ootmians' most Kiwi's would want revenge (or even the chance for a witty rebuttal)?
  3. Humble extra

    Humble extra Jedi Youngling star 5

    Jun 12, 1999
    my philosophy about crappy places where people live is that all places are crappy and boring, with stinking scenary and rubbish people, unless of course your happy and don't therefore think properely...and what with mass western culture everywhere is everywhere else, you can buy your coke, check your hotmail, eat a burger and log on to the jedi council almost any old place

    is summary nz sucks, so does everywhere else, parochialism is alive and kicking and about the only thing people that seems to matter
  4. Grieyls

    Grieyls Jedi Knight star 6

    Dec 2, 2000
    Do I have to read all that, it's a bit much to take in one sitting you know.

    JEDIPAULAW Jedi Knight star 5

    Dec 7, 2000
    Here here Grieyls , guys let's just face it the whole world sux lol
  6. Chansplace

    Chansplace Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jan 2, 2001
    Yeah, I agree with Grieyls, do I have to read all that, or can someone sum it up in one sentence for me?
  7. SWNZ

    SWNZ Jedi Padawan star 4

    Nov 27, 2000
    Grieyls??? What the hang are you doing here? This must be your first adventure in to the unknown. Nice to see you, to see you nice :D

    Stuffed if i'm summerising that lot. There's nothing really wrong with our country, we could be worse off you know.
  8. Humble extra

    Humble extra Jedi Youngling star 5

    Jun 12, 1999
    a visitor eh?

    remember to check in with the sheriff
  9. maestrino

    maestrino Jedi Master star 4

    Feb 12, 2000
    Well I bothered reading all the way through that and found it quite amusing :)

    I only hope that when I finally get up enough money and time to head over to NZ, for some hols and general gawping at scenery etc., that you guys won't all laugh at me for being Australian..
  10. SWNZ

    SWNZ Jedi Padawan star 4

    Nov 27, 2000
    Who says we're not laughing right now [face_laugh]
  11. Humble extra

    Humble extra Jedi Youngling star 5

    Jun 12, 1999
    aussies shmozzies, its hard to tell i find once you get past the accents, we tend to focus our hate on the smelly french

    oh, saw The Dish yesterday, the aussie PM, brilliant acting
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