Saga A Coffin Full of Credits (OC, vignette, pre-ANH)

Title: A Coffin Full of Credits
Author: Benjamin Denes
Timeframe: 3 years BBY
Notes: An attempt at a cross between Star Wars and spaghetti westerns. Also my first posted story. Enjoy!



The bulky ship settled down with the whine of ion engines, rusted over from ages of neglect. Dust and sand kicked up around it, bellowing out in thick yellowish clouds. The landing claws dug deep into the craggy rock floor, giving out a squeal of metal on metal, soon followed by another groaning sound, that of the passengers ramp opening up, letting the dead desert smell and cloying dust into the ship.

Down the ramp came a tall human male, not dressed as the type whom would pilot the freighter he did. He wore dark pocketed trousers and a short bantha-skin jacket. Slung low on his leg was a blaster, hanging in a worn out leather holster. His blue eyes scanned the landscape. The world was small, a fragment of a moon that probably imploded eras ago, but was safe enough to leave the air-filtering helmet in the ship. Scoured rocky land stretched out towards the horizon, a flat wasteland which rose into squat mountains far in the distance. Above, a single scarlet sun blazed on, the ground below it cracked and blasted, worn down by its millennia-long presence.

The stranger squinted into the stretch of desert. A sudden wind blew in, and he raised his hand up in a futile gesture to ward off the sand swirling around him. He scanned the world that lay in front of him. At first glance he saw only the wasteland and the mountains that lay beyond, gutting the yellowed sky, but as his eyes adjusted to the glare he could make out an odd structure many meters from him, down in the west. It wouldn?t take too long to reach, and there was nothing else on this blasted planetoid visible to the unaided eye that could be worth pursuing.

He had followed the life signature to these coordinates. There was nothing else to follow.

With a slight grimace he bent down on one knee. Growing from the rocky terrain was wild grass, a pale colored weed insisting its right to live in this forsaken environment. He pulled a stalk out and placed it between his teeth. His other hand had fished out a small control remote from a pocket, pushed the lit button on it and stood up. Then he pressed the controls on the ships side, watched as the passenger ramp rose and closed, and then began his walk towards the structure.

The red sun above had remained scorching, and although he hadn?t been walking for long sweat had begun streaming down his face. His steady lope towards the shape had lost its pace only when he wiped the stinging perspiration out of his eyes.

What lay ahead was a building that looked out of place yet strangely familiar in these surroundings. It was squat and rectangular, with a V-shaped roof that rose above it. He could see that it was not made from any synthetic material but crafted entirely of rock. Whether it was stone native to this world or from another was impossible to tell.

As he got closer the stranger noticed many strange markings around the double doors that served as the structures seemingly only entrance. They seemed religious in nature, perhaps Bendu or even possibly Whill, but the stranger couldn?t tell. The galaxy was abundant with various wild religions, almost more than could be catalogued, and at this moment only one interested the stranger, and its symbol could not be seen anywhere. One hand dropped to his side, just in reach of the DE-10 that lay hanging there, the other gently pushing open the wide stone doors. They swung inward with a puzzling ease.

The stranger slipped inside, his eyes quickly accommodating to the shadows within. It was a small, bare room with two entranceways on either side. He stepped into the chamber, and with both arms he slowly eased the doors back closed, careful not to make a sound. The room turned out to be adequately lit, and he found that the ceiling over his head rose quite high up. Slits carved into the stone allowed some light in, and the stranger

 

bdenes ~

It is very rare that I read stories outside of my prefered era but I simply couldn't resist the title! So very enticing!

You crafted incredible characters, so first of all lots of for that. There was no trace of a Gary Stu anywhere in sight. Each had their strengths and their weaknesses.

Oh the irony! Tell you Empire that we will never be tricked again! Oops.

It was also a cruel way to die. To see your attacker, know it is for money, escape, hope, and BOOM. You've been had.

I am thoroughly impressed.

I don't know how familiar you are with these boards, but oqidaun runs an OC challenge thread called OCs Anonymous in Resource. I suggest checking it out. Just pop in and say hi, they may bite, but they've at least had most of their shots.

Welcome to the boards! That was quite a debut.

Zonoma

 

Incredible job!

Rola?and Deadwood promised himself that he would spend this jobs pay on something completely trivial and utterly enjoyable. He would drown the strangely unwholesome feeling he was currently experiencing with some kind of luxury, maybe spend a week at a pleasure planet, drink a cask of Corellian brandy, hire a Twi?lek servant girl; anything that would take him away from the coffin full of credits in the cargo hold.

The engines fired up, and the Evanjileen Blue lifted up from the harsh desert floor, passed through atmosphere into the black of space, leaving nothing but a wasted freighter behind

Amazing!

 

Thanks for giving my story a chance! I always made sure to give my stories some kind of interesting title, but not too crazy as to not have anything to do with the story. I was hoping it'd give the feel of those old 60's italian westerns. What is your preferred era? I think my interests might be too obscure for most readers (pre-Old Republic and Legacy era) but hope I'll manage to get a few readers. I will also give that OC thread a shot one day, but not until I put in some more time writing Thanks again for your positive input!

Ben

 

Pre-Old Republic and Legacy era? That is quite a broad spectrum. I don't write Before the Saga often, but can recommend excellent OC writers over there, if you like. I certainly enjoy them, anyway.

In Beyond, which is where I tend to stay, I can also recommend writers. Especially if you like Dark Jacen, or have a particular relationship that you enjoy reading. I'd need to know more where your interests lie over there, though, because there are so many writers.

As for the OC thread, it is a lot of fun. The challenges are very small (sometimes only two sentences) and fun. oqi knows how to teach.

Good luck to you! If you have any questions while you are looking around, my PM box is open to you.

Zonoma

 

Yep - sucked in by the intriguing title, I had to give this a read -

Well done!! I love OC's, especially well written ones that compliment such a clever piece as this!

Bravo!

 

The title was indeed brilliant.
I read this in a bit of a rush the first time around, but I'm back.

Spaghetti-Westerns and Star Wars, what a beautiful combination. Few folks know that I used to write creepy westerns. I'm going to put on some Ennio Morricone and take this all in.

You do a really nice job setting the scene. You've already given us a hint with the genre tag, but you take it beyond the stereotypical dusty planet and give it some oomph. Nice.

That's an awesome entrance...
Down the ramp came a tall human male, not dressed as the type whom would pilot the freighter he did. He wore dark pocketed trousers and a short bantha-skin jacket. Slung low on his leg was a blaster, hanging in a worn out leather holster. His blue eyes scanned the landscape. The world was small, a fragment of a moon that probably imploded eras ago, but was safe enough to leave the air-filtering helmet in the ship. Scoured rocky land stretched out towards the horizon, a flat wasteland which rose into squat mountains far in the distance. Above, a single scarlet sun blazed on, the ground below it cracked and blasted, worn down by its millennia-long presence.

Your architectural descriptions are vivid to say the least.

I didn't trust that monk. Great confrontation!

"Even here, on this nameless rock in the vastness of space, your kind still manages to find me.?

?I can assure you it wasn?t easy?, answered the gunman almost conversationally. ?When it comes to out of the way, middle of nowhere hunks of floating space junk, you chose the best.?

Wow. Another great exchange. I loved the gunman's overview of life in the New Order. I can see Clint Eastwood in this role.

The gunman?s stance loosened a little, although the worn barrel of his DE-10 pistol never looked away from the Jedi. ?Don?t pass judgment on me, holy man. While you?re hiding away on this rock, the rest of the galaxy is busy scrabbling for bread. It?s a New Order out there. Some folks only choices to live are smuggling, dying in the Empire?s navy, or farming drops of dew on some backwater dustbowl planet.?

?Or manhunting,? gibed Pey.

And I have to give you credit for maintaining the characterization and the pacing through the end. It was a real clear-cut ending and I really liked that. Very orginal, yet also in keeping with the grittiness of the darker spaghetti western type story. This is undoubtedly been one hell of a good read and I really really like the OC that you've crafted for this story. I hope you continue his tales, because I imagine that's there a lot more adventure out there for Rola?and Deadwood.

Good to the last drop.

The engines fired up, and the Evanjileen Blue lifted up from the harsh desert floor, passed through atmosphere into the black of space, leaving nothing but a wasted freighter behind.

 

Oqidaun - wow, thank you so much for your comments and kind words, they are appreciated greatly! I personally enjoyed this story very much and writing it was easy for me (I've had it fermenting inside my head for a while now, just took this board to tease it out) but now I'm afraid all my next stories are going to stink! Thank you so very much for reading it!