Saga A Devil Who Despairs - Response to the January OC Challenge

Title: A Devil who Despairs
Author: Luton_Plunder
Characters: OCs
Timeframe: Intertrillogy

Author Notes: Response to the January 2007 "Essential Guide to OC's" challenge. The challenge was to base the entry around the quote "Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods". Hopefully this one is a bit of an unusual take on it. Feel free to post any response, negative or positive!

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[b]A Devil who Despairs

[/b]
Not even the cleaning droids were still on duty. The Corellian Ministry of Foreign Affairs was completely dark, taken by that hollow feeling that buildings get when the people were gone. There was light and sound of course - the hum of equipment and the din of the outside world was conspicuous - but all the same the corridors lacked the spark of life that transformed them into a functioning workplace. It was a shell, a template, waiting for sentient beings to make of it what they would.

It was in the small hours of that weekday morning that the Minister for Foreign Trade had decided to make his home of it. He slumped forward on his desk, comlink in hand, waiting for a call that was three hours late. In his other hand he clutched a glass of expensive Corellian whisky that pre-dated the building by about three hundred years.

With bloodshot eyes he looked at his comm, willing it to buzz. His buyer, a man known to him only as Mephesto, had never spoken to him face to face. As far as the Minister was concerned he didn't exist outside of a name and a comm frequency. He was one of those enigmatic buyers, obsessed with his anonymity, valued his privacy and all the other clichés that his type tended to spout. He probably wore an annoyingly expensive black coat too. Slavers were all the same in that regard - oblivious to stereotype.

He downed the last of his whisky. "Where the hell are you, Mephesto, you arrogant pratt?" The words were like barbs firing from his mouth, the whisky setting them on fire. "Good price for thrifty transport, [i]thrifty[/i]. I can't have a bunch of filthy homeless scum sitting on-"

"Your private landing bay, bound and gagged?" a deep, dry voice cut across his. The Minister nearly jumped out of his chair. His glass tumbled to the ground and his hand scurried for the top drawer of his desk. Blurry eyes could barely make out a shadowy figure standing in the corner of the room, unmoving. It was talking, though. "I think Mephesto has been loose with his promises, Minister."

His hand finally found the drawer he was looking for and he dared to take his eyes off the intruder for a moment. The blaster that he normally kept in there was gone. In the heat of the moment he refused to believe that fate could be so cruel that it could have been taken, and checked every other drawer just in case. There was nothing. His gun was gone.

This seemed to amuse the intruder. "Why is it," he asked, taking a step closer but still not advancing. He was careful to keep his face hidden in shadow. "That even though everyone knows politicians and businessmen keep their blasters in the top draw, you still insist on leaving them there? Honestly."

Two lances of red light cut through the office, slicing the legs out from under the Minister. The comparatively deafening sound of the blasts was punctuated by screams as he fell to the floor, smoke from his wounds stinging his eyes. "Who are you?" he demanded, trying to keep a level voice through the pain. "What do you want with me?"

The shadowy figure moved forward yet another step. His silhouette was becoming slowly more discernable, but nothing nearly to identify him. Near as he could tell, the intruder was young enough to be at the peak of his physical fitness. If it came down to a fistfight - even without charred legs - the Minister would be no match. The pain was overwhelming and his breathing was coming in gasps. "Please," he begged. "Just...tell me what you want."

"Come now, Minister," the intruder admonished. He sounded disappointed. "Your whimpering is ruining my

 

This was a really well written fic. I really loved the character of Mephesto. Great job.

 

BRAVO!!!

That was very very well written. I loved the twist with Mephesto. Had kind of a Hitchcock feel to it all.
Excellent use of the challenge quote. Fantastic plot.



The intruder held up his hands. "That'd be mighty pointless of me now, wouldn't it? Asking you to make calls when I'd blocked communications? I might be a mysterious, shadowy terrorist with a gun at your head, but I'm not crazy."

I think the only way to describe your OC Mephesto is utterly cool.

 

Definetely a very original take. That was very thrilling and kept the tntion up until the very end. Great response to the challenge

 

This was the very definition of the gripping thriller, Luton. It's really incredible how deftly you crafted a story with this kind of depth with so few words and based upon a single quote.

That final scene was pure brilliance.

You're an extremely gifted writer, that's for sure. Superb work

 

wow, very very well done. Mephesto is an excellent character, fitting the mold of cruel vigilante while adding a lot of depth to the story. He reminds me a lot of the punisher.

brilliant story

 

Oh, dang. How do you do that? This was absolutely flawless. Without a doubt, you're my favorite OC author here. *hopeful eyes* Will we see more of this tortured vigilante? The best kind, of course. A little back story, maybe? Again, perfect, suspensful, utterly delicious. Nothing that I don't expect from you, though!

 

Wow. Great work, LP. Simply awesome. This was just so slick and well-crafted. You put the tension, the set-up, the execution... It was good enough to make me unable to craft complete sentences in its wake. Everything went together so smoothly; it was like watching a con movie, except with vigilante justice instead of stealing. The OCs were all well done, particularly our Dark Stranger.

I love that!

Superb challenge response, LP.

 

Great, evil little story! Some guys just think of everything, don't they? Love how you cut to flashback scenes each time the poor Minister tries to call one of his friends. Speaking of...why do I have the strong suspicion that, were we to have been given the Minister's name, it would sound strangely like "Faust"?

 

My...Goodness.

To say that the reaction to this fic has been awesome is understatement. To say that it's an UNDERSTATEMENT is an understatement . Right here I'd like to send out a massive blanket 'thankyou' to everyone who read and replied to it!


Slow_dawn: Thanks so much! I'm glad you like Mephesto - he's been kicking around in notebooks for a while now. It was about time I gave him a voice

oqidaun: Wow, thanks for stopping in Glad that the twist worked - it needed to finish in a nice, round way And haha, I always think that gray-moral touting vigilantes work best when they're utterly cool. It suits them.

Alley_Skywalker: Thanks so much for reading! I'm glad you liked and that it held you till the end

Exeter: Hey Exeter! Your comments humble me It's really great to hear that the quick, short-length style of the story worked for the challenge. Thanks so much for reading

Vivid_Scripts: Thanks so much! Mephesto, like I said earlier, is a character that's been kicking around for a long time now - and now that he's managed to draw such a great response from you all, I have to wonder why I didn't bring him out sooner Perhaps I can do a Punisher/Mephesto crossover fic

Furrylittlebantha: Oh wow, your comments have totally made my day and made me blush. That's two things I've been made. Well done As for seeing more of Mephesto, I can answer resoundingly: Yes. He's going to become a regular character in the psuedo-TV series fic I'm writing, so keep your eyes out Plently of back story, and present story, and future story. Hope to see you there!

Face: Face, I have taken the liberty of shortening your user name to "Face" because it saves typing 'The_' at the start, which would take up valuable seconds in which I could be responding to your excellent comments. Of course, typing that sentence has just taken about thirty seconds longer than simply typing the extra characters in the first place (and in turn, this sentence pointing that out has added another thirty seconds), but I stand by my decision.

Thanks for your response! Even though my replies to GG have been sadly lacking lately I am so, so very nearly caught up with you, I swear! As for the comments, they built upon the others that had already made my day, which turned my day into some kind of super-day. Thankyou!

1Yodimus_Prime: Heya Yodimus! Thanks alot for the response - flashbacks are a bit of a hobby horse of mine Though they were justified here I think.

And HA! Foreign Trade Minister Fowst, I'd say I'm glad you picked that up I named Mephesto after Mephistopheles, the fallen angel. It's significant to his character, not in a theological way, but more in a metaphorical kind of way. But, more on that in later stories



Thanks so much all of you ! I feel like writing a 100,000 word novel now

See you all about!

 

That's AWESOME Luton!! I loved it! I really liked how Mephosto (sp?) was the black dude. I love stories with a twist.

 

(actually that emoticon doesn't make sense, I shouldn't be shocked) That was incredible L_P!!!

I lovd Mephisto's character, and if you are going to write more of him, let me know.

The whole time I was thinking of someone who looks like Frank Castle (esp. after you mentioned the black overcoat).

The flashbacks were incredibly woven in too! Excellent response to the challenge my friend.

 

loved this little post!!! i do hope you decide to make a story from it, ill be keeping an eye on ths post just in case, pm me if you get a story going

Thanks

Matt

 

I swear, LP, I really am going to go read everything you've ever posted here, because everything I've seen so far is pretty much amazing.

First of all, I love the way this is structured. (I'm a big fan of non-traditional story structures, and this semi-flashback-thing is no exception.) And the plot is great, and it's an excellent take on the challenge quote. And Mephesto is a great character; I love how he plays the minister the whole time.

More than that, though, I really appreciate the intelligence and maturity of your writing. It's true in your "Zeroes and Ones" fic, too: you give the reader a lot of credit. You show us the story instead of telling it, and if we don't get it, that's our fault.

(On that topic, I think my favorite moment is the revelation that the intruder is Mephesto. He doesn't announce it; he just answers his comm. That was great.)

Every character in this fic seems so real - and it's because you've given them just enough personality to make them unique, just enough background to give them depth, and then you left everything else out. That way, we see the people like Bartrix and Deil'mah in their scenes almost the way they see them - those scenes are just a moment in their lives. There were other moments before and there will be other ones after, but we only know what we need to know for the story. And that is what makes characters realistic.

Anyway, sorry for rambling about good writing. I can't help but talk about it when I see it. Fantastic job with this, LP; keep up the awesome work!

 

That was incredible! I love the way you revealed the fate of all the people the minister called, and when he tried to call Mephesto, I had an inkling of what was going to happen, but not enough to ruin the surprise. I love the way you turned the minister from a sympathetic character to one who is completely despicable.

Well done!!!!

 

This is a truely amazing story. Mephisto was one of the coolest OC's I have ever read. He is one of those baddies like Atrimis Entiri from R.A. Salvatore's books. You want to hate him so bad, but he is just way to cool to hate.

 

Wow, more replies! I am humbled once again. I'm consistently humbled around here

Jedi_Eruanne - I love stories with a twist too, and it was that moment at the end of the story that inspired me to write the whole thing Glad you liked it, and thanks for the reply!

'Ale - Thanks so much for the response I have to admit, I wasn't sure who 'Frank Castle' or The Punisher were before all these replies, but now I'm fully versed thanks to Wikipedia And yes, I'd say that the characters are quite similar. There'll be more on how similar, and yet different they are, in later stories of mine, heheh. How's that for a tease? Thanks again for your reply!

Matt-Darklighter - Hi Matt, thanks for the response! Mephesto will be used in upcoming episodes of my series-length fic, 'The User'. I can definitely let you know when he crops up I'm glad you enjoyed this one-poster.

talkingbanana - Aw, you flatter me. I am flat.

I'm glad you liked the structure - it was experimental, but I enjoy such things Flashbacks are one of my favourite things, so if I start going overboard with them, do let me know won't you? heheh.

Hah, well that would be putting it bluntly, but I really believe in letting the reader sort through the unfolding story themselves. The downside of that, of course, is that I'm in danger of communicating too little information and leaving everyone in the dark. A constant worry of mine, so its good to know this one worked Thanks so much for your response, I was blown away. See you around the boards

Rogue_Pilot_2347 - I'm glad you liked the character twists on both of the lead characters In the beginning I wanted to show the intruder as the bad guy and the Minister as the victim, then swap it over gradually, so it's great to know it worked that way. Thanks so much for your response

CodyMonKenobi - Wow, thanks so much - I'm flattered by your comments! Mephesto's 'bad guy' status is something that I'll be questioning in future stories of course, but I'm very happy he came across this way He's ever the enigma. Thanks for your response!


That goes for everyone - I could never have predicted the positive response to this little one-poster. for all!

 

I am absolutely speechless.
?Incredible? doesn?t begin to describe this. Let?s see?
The characters were fascinating, the plot riveting and suspenseful, and the writing technique superb.
Superb! That?s the word.

 

Hey Meredith_Kenobi - Thanks so much for your comments! As I said I've been thrilled with the response to this little story, I was quite attached to it I think I'll participate in more challenges from now on, they're terrifically fun!

Thanks again - see you about, fellow OC writer

 

Excellent job! The names were perfect and you had me on a string until just before the comm rang. Great OC, emotionless and on a mission. Loved it. My favorite line was' in all the world there is nothing more absurd than a devil who despairs.' Looking forward to reading more from you.

 

hey, thanks PadawanKayla - I'm so sorry, I must have missed your reply! But as a very late author response, thanks for the wonderful comments, I'm just glad yo enjoyed it and it's always great to hear that the names are working well

 

There is so much to say about this fic, Luton, and you deserve it all. This little piece of NOIR was well written and fun. Most Noir is just depressing, but this peice had flare and egde. There was no tongue in cheek, just engaging prose with stand out characters. Excellent fic!

This fic is interesting, slick, devious, sleak, mysterious, and chock full of all the great villain cliches. I say that with great admiration. Mephisto is at once a cocky, talky bastard that made me want to roll my eyes, but my confidence in him grew with each pillar in the Minister's organiztion that he kicked over. Ultimately, Mephisto has unforseen depth.

Now, that said, I loved the supporting flashbacks just as much as the main storyline. More perhaps. I adored Deil'mah. The voice you gave him made me admire him and want him as my friend. As a matter of fact, this was my favorite scene in the fic. It was rich in character and prose. Again, the character's voice jumped off the page. An honest cop, it seemed to me.

I look forward to reading more of your work. Is Maitland like Deil'mah?

 

Well, you've gotten my attention here.

Especially with the character of Mespheso (and yes, I suspected correctly where his name came from). He is, to put it mildly, a very grey, charcoal grey character, and he knows it. He gets his work done, and he's witty while doing it. I can't help but wonder how he got involved in the situation that led up to the story, and what motivates him. Somehow, I think he would prefer that I not know much about him.

He's got that air about him.

Then, there's the Minister. He strikes me as the sort of high ranking official who doesn't mind doing nasty things--as long as he has minions to do the real work so he doesn't dirty his hands. He does evil things, and yet, he's not really evil. He lacks the flair for it, somehow. Just another man in power without a conscience.

The flashbacks (which felt like another narrative, echoing the main one, to me), which matched each of the three attempted comm calls, really build up the tension. We see despicable people, like the security chief and the Imperial he meets. (Though I had to laugh at the security chief's prim comment about not using the K word in front of the prisoners. Acquire or kidnap, it all means the same thing). And we see other men, like Deil'mah, who want to do the right thing.

I have to admit that I wasn't really surprised to see that the intruder was Mephesto, but not because it was predicable. It almost felt...inevitable, really. Mephesto, the unknown and mysterious buyer, was the gun at the beginning that had to go off before the end. And oh, did he play the Minister there.

I see that you're planning to write more about Mephesto. I'll be curious to see what his back and present and future stories are.

 

Brodiew: Thanks for your reply! Even though I responded in PM a little while ago, I again extend my sincere thanks

Pandora26: Hi, thanks for reading/replying!

I am blessed with how well this character of Mephesto went over with everyone. He's one of my favourites, even though this is the only place he's been given life before. I am indeed planning on including him in part of my fic series, but he's got a little while to wait before he's introduced as a major character. I think his backstory is one that not many people will guess

I'm glad the structure worked out well too - flashbacks are a go-to device of mine

Thanks again for your readership!

LP

 

'in all the world there is nothing more absurd than a devil who despairs.'

I love this line. It captures the whole mood of the story and its characters.
This story is amazing! Its better than amazing, I can hardly describe how much I enjoyed this fic.

Saying "Great job" simply is not enough.

WOW!