Chic, IL A Great Scene for the EU (Exploited Universe) in Episode II...

Schaumburg Book Club people will remember this as the thread I was talking about that makes fun of the EU (prompted by Dan's question about the Dreadnaughts in Episode III). Enjoy.

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And now an Episode II scene for all the people who love the EU (Exploited Universe):



Obi-wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker stand back-to-back fending off an army of stormtroopers, Mandalorians, and bounty hunters.

A ship drops out of the sky and lands on the battlefield, squashing the bad guys. Out step Grand Admiral Thrawn, Jorus C'boath, Prince Xizor, Dash Rendar, Garm Bel Iblis, Kyle Katarn, Mara Jade, a dozen cloned Emperors, a gaggle of Solo-babies, hundreds of Noghri, and a ysalamiri in a pear tree.

Obi-wan: Who are you people?

Thrawn: Well...that's a very long, boring, convoluted......

Xizor: ...and crappy, don't forget crappy!

Thrawn: ...yes, and crappy, story.

Anakin: Why are you here?

Thrawn: Because fanboys wanna see us. Aren't we cool?

Obi-wan: Umm.......no.

Xizor: Not even a little bit?

Obi-wan: Not even a little bit.

Thrawn: But, but, but........ZAHN RULES!!!! Besides, we brought you a delivery: some spaarti cylinders.

Anakin: Some what?

Thrawn: You know, spaarti cylinders. They're used to make clones.

Anakin: No they're not.

Jorus C'Boath: But you can imagine what it would be like if they were. Right?

Anakin: No. This is the Clone Wars. Don't you think we'd know about these things?

Thrawn: The CLONE WARS!!!!! But, that's supposed to happen when you're four years old. You don't look four to me.

Anakin: Good point. Why don't you guys go back to Bpfassh, Myrkyr, Bakura, Shaba-daba-doobie-doobie-doo, or whatever crappy planet you come from?

Thrawn: How dare you! Feel the wrath of my ysalamiri! It blocks out Force powers, you know.

Anakin: I feel fine. How 'bout you Obi-wan?

Obi-wan: I feel fine, too. Whoever told you guys that a lizard could block out the Force?

Thrawn: Well....

Mara Jade: Don't you at least like our ship? It's a Dreadnaught, you know.

Obi-wan: Looks like a real POS to me. You sure that's a real starship?

Thrawn: Not really, no. But I'm told they used to be all the rage in the galaxy during the Clone Wars.

Obi-wan: Do you see any 'Dreadnaughts' around here?

Thrawn: No....Come to think of it, I don't see any Z-95 Headhunters either.

Anakin: Thank the Force I don't have to pilot something called a 'Z-95 Headhunter'.

Xizor: Come on, give us a chance. Trust me, it all 'fits together' somehow. You just have to use a little 'imagination'.

Obi-wan: I sense a disturbance in the Force.

Anakin: I have a bad feeling about this.....

 

Here's part two of the scene...

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And now for scene II of the EU-tastic Episode II....


INT. Palpatine's apartment.

PALPATINE stands near the window, staring out into the dazzling lights of the Coruscant nightlife. Next to him stands the new Sith Apprentice, DARTH ZAHNDERSON.

PALPATINE: We must do something about that pesky Jedi Obi-wan Kenobi and his plucky sidekick Anakin.

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: And that little Whill buddy of theirs, too. Right Palps?

PALPATINE: That little what?

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Whill....you know, Master Yoda.

PALPATINE: Right.........'whill'.........anyway, we must do something about them.

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Something...............evil?

PALPATINE: Yeah, something evil. You got a problem with that?

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Well, we do something evil every night Palpy.........

PALPATINE: (glaring menacingly) grrrrrrr.......

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Okay, okay....evil it is. Your the boss Palpy. Anyway, I've hired some new help for you, sir.

PALPATINE: You mean, like an intern?

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Sort of.....

In walks MARA JADE. She almost trips over Palpatine's coffee table, but manages to steady herself by grabbing onto his robe.

PALPATINE: Who is this?

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Her name is Mara. She's gonna be your 'Emperor's Hand'. Pretty nifty, eh Palps?

Palpatine lifts his hands up, examining them carefully.

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: No, not that kind of hand. She'll be like your special servant--running your errands, doing your bidding, washing your laundry, etc.

PALPATINE: Isn't that your job?

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Let's talk about something else........ahhhhhh, one moment please.

Darth Zahnderson leaves the room, reentering alongside a freshly-cloned Emperor Palpatine.

PALPATINE: ???????? What's the meaning of this?

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: It's a clone....of you. You can never have enough clones.

PALPATINE: He is kinda cute. What should we call him.

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: I was thinking.....Paalpatine.

PALPATINE: That's my name!

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: No, it only sounds exactly the same. It's actually spelled with two 'a's.

PALPATINE: How creative.

In walks another cloned Emperor....

PALPATINE: And what should we call this one?

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Palpaatine.

In walk two additional clones.

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Allow me to introduce you to Palpatiine and Ppaaaallllppaaaaaattttttiiiiinnnee.

PALPATINE: Good lord.

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Okay, so which clone would you like to use for the Soul-Transfer.

PALPATINE: The what?

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: You know, the soul-transfer. Where you transfer your soul from that decaying body of yours into a fresh clone.

PALPATINE: First of all, my body is not decaying. Second of all, you've obviously been reading way too many comic-books, Zahnderson.

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: I can't help myself....

PALPATINE: Where did you learn about all this 'soul transfer' mumbo-jumbo'?

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: The teachings of the great Sith Lord, Exar-Kun.

PALPATINE: There's never been a Sith Lord named 'Exar-Kun'. He doesn't even have the word 'Darth' in his name. That 'Darth' thing is the first thing they teach you at Sith school. Haven't you learned anything from me, Zahnderson?

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: I have a short attention span. Well maybe you'll like this clone better...

In walks a tiny cloned Mini-Palp.

PALPATINE: What is the meaning of this!? Are you trying to mock me?!

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: I thought it would be funny...

PALPATINE: Oh, brother......

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Oh...I almost forgot....I bought some ysalamiri for you.

PALPATINE: Some what?

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Ysalamiri....you know, they block out the Force.

PALPATINE: Will you fall for anything? Where did you get the money for those?

DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Well....I...kinda....spent my allowance...

PALPATINE: I gave you that money to buy a new double-bladed lightsaber!!!!!! You spent it on some furry lizzards!!!!! You know they don't let me have pets in this building!!!!! That's it!!

 

Thanks for digging that up and reposting, Kevin!


And did someone say there are gonna be doughnuts at Episode III?

 

I have never read an EU book in my life, but I've been around the SW world long enough to recognize some of the characters. Absolutely hilarious!

~H~

 

Sithy...you freakin crack me up dude!!!

 

These are awesome. Thanks for sharing them.