A Great Scene for the EU (Exploited Universe) in Episode II

Here... this is TOTALLY random, it's over fifteen years old, don't ask WHY or HOW it was written... maybe someone will get a laugh out of it. Idk... it does seem that this thread has come to an end unfortunately... i wish we could just get a few more readers.

Anyways, just sing the theme song to "The Beverly Hillbillies" as you read this, and maybe it will make sense.

There once was an oggie and his name was jed
they found him in a shack and he really looked dead
but then they realized he had no brain
So they kicked him senseless- pain, pain, pain

So the boggie went to town and said hello
he said i'd like to buy my favorite jello
the guy said you stole it you stupid phillitpant
but the boggie said i was innoscent

So the oggie went to his death at the firing squad
for his last meal he asked for scrod
they said no way we're gonna do that
so they gave him a big piece of pumpkin fat

There once was a boggie who wanted cable
but he was too fat to sit at the bargaining table
so they sent him away with an empty plate
and told him to come back when he lost some weight

So the boggie wanted revenge on the OCC (oggie cable company that is)
so he drank up the entire Dead Sea
and he spat it all over the baby oggies
and he upset the Oggville and even Mr.T

So the oggies pulled out all the Boggie's hair
then they took him to their county fair
they tickled his feet and poked him in the eyes
and the one who killed the boggie would win first prize

but the boggie was clever enough to escape
he said he had to go buy some grapes
and the oggies thought that he would come back
but the boggie sent instead a fleet to attack

the oggies repelled but to no avail
the boggies seemed destined to prevail
but the oggies sent out a kamikazi squad
and everyone died except for one og and bog

So the boggie kicked the og in the foot
and it started a fire in his boot
so oggie spat venom in his face
but boggie repelled it with second base

the oggie retorted by singing japanese
but boggie didn't like it and tore his knees
the oggie wondered why the boggie did that
but then boggie's knees were in his hat

so the cripped bog pulled out his gun
he decided it was time to have fun
so he shot the oggie in the head
then took the roller coaster and went to bed

when boggie woke up he kicked his face
the oggie laughed hard enough to break his case
then out came some bubblin crude
and the boggie decided that oggie be'd sued

so the boggie got his lawyer involved
told him he wanted this case solved
the lawyer said how much money do you wanna get
boggie said let me think about it while I go to the vet

well oggie took his only chance to escape
he decided to hide himself in a giant cake
well that wasn?t a really good move
cause the bog came home and was in a hungry mood

to be continued in another fifteen years???.

 

Did anyone else notice that one of the first posts on this thread dating back to '00 (the one where Sidious Force Lightnings his apprentice out the window) is eerily the exact same way our good friend Mace Windu 'didn't go out like a punk'?

 

^^ Yes I noticed that too. I never seen this older thread before because I'm usually over on the CT. But that was interesting.

Now we know where GL stole that idea from.

 

Wow, I remember when I first saw this thread, years ago. What the hell?

 

Bump. Although that might not be enough to revitalize this thread...

 

/bump

 

Finally someone gets it. EU sucks.

 

Gonna base your opinion off of anything there?

The PT is only there because of the EU.

 

If you're talking to me, I''ve read quite a few EU books. And none of them holds up to the films. I actually stopped reading the books because they just got further and further away from the Star Wars I know and love, and they grew into meaningless, fan drivel that was so far removed from the Star Wars that Lucas created.

I read the first Zhan trilogy. That was pretty good. Not great. Not bad.

Enter Kevin Anderson.

I read his lame-ass trilogy Jedi Academy. Not as good as Zhan's series. I read the first two books, of the series.

While waiting for the final book to be released, I had the un-priviledge of reading Crystal Star. Talk about boring. Who wants to read crap about kidnapped children. That's not Star Wars material. That was the subject of only HALF of ANH. If the whole movie had been about them trying to save Leia, ANH would've been extremely boring. On top of that then you have this whole blob-Waru-thing that would've been great in Star Trek, but isn't up to snuf for Star Wars.

I also read the Correlian Trilogy. This was outright boring and forgettable. Now we're introduced to Han Solo's cousin. Talk about unimaginative. Why does everyone in the Star Wars EU have to be related to everyone? Why can't these EU authors create something new, original and believable that fits in the Star Wars Universe. Zhan is really the only author I've read that has pulled that off. Anyway, I got through two of the books, but couldn't bring myself to attempt the third. The author had failed to keep my interest.

So back to Anderson's finale. I get to book 3 in this series and the climax is a green-clone-dude using the force to PUSH AN ENTIRE STARFLEET OUT OF THE ENTIRE GALAXY????!!!! ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?? That was the last Star Wars novel I read. That was when I realized what a joke EU is. Period.

There used to be a time when Star Wars put out quality books that stayed within the bounds the Lucas created. (Han Solo trilogy, Lando Trilogy, Zhan Trilogy, etc...) Now Star Wars publishers (Del Rey, etc...) have become a marketing prostitute for anything that will sell. (I.e. killing Chewbacca off??)

So, I have no plans on ever reading any more EU again. As far as I'm concerned EU is crap with only VERY FEW exceptions (and those are only marginally good at best.)

 

Well, to be fair, Lucas told them to kill Chewie after nixing killing Luke. The whole point of that was to make the stories more realistic, because none of the film characters had anything major done to them like in the films. No sense of danger. As to the Force powers, Lucas even toyed with the idea of Jedi and Sith being superpowerful. Anderson was just going off the fact that the films had limited budgets and that there was no way to really determine how powerful a Jedi could be. Once Lucas locked it in, the stories had Luke pulling back on his Force use. As to Dorsk 81 doing a massive Force shove, it wasn't just him. It was several Jedi working together at once. And it wasn't out of the galaxy. It was way out of the Yavin system. Note that Lucas approved of Clone Wars, where the Jedi and Sith were doing outrageous things. Yoda did a massive Force shove on several Confederacy ships. Mace fought thousands of Battle Droids with and without a saber. Dooku and Ventress floated in the air as they fought.

 

Good points all around DS. However, I see things a bit differently.

The point here is that the authors are unabile to create any meaningful characters that we care about. If these authors were good enough to create characters that we care about, then they could actually kill off their own characters and we'd actually care about their deaths. But we don't. And that speaks to the the authors inability to create characters that we care about. As a result, they take the easy way out and just kill off a main character that someone else created. Think about it...does anybody remember ANYTHING about Vector Prime other than the fact the Chewbacca died?

Regardless, it's not even in the REALM of believable.

That's a good point. However, cartoons can get away with more because the exxaggerated powers are done for stylistic, visual purposes. Books are supposed to be more visceral and emotional and need to be more believeable in order to achieve the desired cathartic release. Whereas, with cartoons, the catharsis comes with the visuals, style, movement and pacing.

 

Actually, several eu & film characters were killed. Borsk Fey'la was killed during the seige of Coruscant in "Star By Star". That same book featured the death of Anakin Solo. Mon Mothma passed away in sleep between "Union" and "Vector Prime". Admiral Ackbar died peacefully after "The Unifying Force". Master Ikrit was killed in "Edge Of Victory: Conquest." Ganner Rhyshode was killed in "Traitor". Wuruth Skidder in "Agents Of Chaos" or "Balance Point". Tenniel Djo in "Dark Journey". Roganda Ismaren was killed sometime after "Children Of The Jedi". Her son Irek became Lord Nyax and was killed in "Behind Enemy Lines: Rebel Stand." Vergere was killed in "Destiny's Way".

As to memorable characters, many fans have their favorites. Quinlan Vos, Corran Horn, Kyle Kataran, Omega Squad, Tycho Celchu, Jacen Solo, Jaina Solo, Vergere, etc.

As opposed to sound in space, fire in space, people who cannot hit the broadside of a barn, faster than light travel that does not send you through time, Midichlorians, the Force and Lightsabers?

First, cartoons can be visceral and emotional and believeable just as much as books are. So that doesn't even wash. Second, books like cartoons are limited by technology. Your imagination is free of limitations. Something Lucas has lamented from the beginning regarding the OT, ANH in particular. That's why he had a better time doing the PT, because everything was already in place and the ability to get it done was possible. A book should not be limited as they can linger on a scene for as long as possible. They can do whatever without worrying about breaking the bank as there is no bank to break.

 

That never happened in Champions of The Force. That was Darksaber, so you may have missed the last book.

 

I'm not saying that EU authors don't kill off their own characters. In fact, there are several characters that did die at the hands of their "maker". My point here is that, generally speaking, EU authors seem to have trouble creating many memorable characters. (In particular, authors since Timothy Zhan). Only few have "stood the test of time" and those happen to be the ones that Zhan created. (ie Thrawn and Mara Jade) In fact, a lot of EU authors "piggy-back" on each other's characters for "continuity" purposes. I see this as lazy and unoriginal. Mara Jade's an interesting character, but does she HAVE to be in every other novel? Again, some call it continuity. I call it uncreative and boring.

Also, I may be mistaken here, so correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Quinlan Vos a character developed in the comics? And Kyle Katarn was initially created in a video game. So, I wouldn't include those on the list. As a matter of fact, I think the Comic book characters and EVEN video game characters are more interesting than most of the characters from the novels.

What I mean here is that the specific case (pushing a fleet out of the solar system) wasn't in even close to the realm of believability in the world that George Lucas created. (the Star Wars universe.) Naturally, the Star Wars universe itself pushes the realm of believability quite a bit. But we've accept the rules the GL created. Their his rules and when an EU author is writing in his universe, they need to take care to stay within REASONABLE proximity of those rules. OF course, they should be encouraged to stretch and bend the rules. But if they strech it too far, then they run the risk of turning their audience off.

 

My bad.

The point still remains, though. The idea of using the force to push a fleet out of a solar system is ludicrous. Yoda, Mace, Palpatine and Anakin were the most powerful Jedi/Sith during the "Prime of the Jedi" (as Lucas put it). That means they were the best of the best. The most powerful Force users ever. Even Anakin (who had the highest midichlorian count ever), wouldn't be able to drive a fleet out of the system. And I highly doubt that all four of those Jedi could've accomplished that impossible feat together.

Even in the Clone War's cartoon, where the Jedi's powers are exxaggerated for stylist purposes, the Jedi wouldn't be able to force push something out of a planet's gravitational pull.

Again, someone was smoking something when they came up with that idea because it just doesn't FIT into the Universe that GL created.

 

This isn't really the place to discuss points of contention in the EU. It was long ago established that this thread would be a neutral zone in terms of canon debates. Enjoy the stories, guys, regardless of your opinion on the EU.

 

There's no hate here. This is just a friendly discussion. I think everyone's being respectful.

 

Mara continued due to her popularity, as well as the fact that once each author signs on, Lucasfilm and it's subsidaries own the creations. Thus they have the right to let others use them. In Mara's case, Anderson choose to keep her around. But Zahn agreed to write "The Hand Of Thrawn" on the provision that she and Luke get together. So Lucasbooks had to keep her around, but she didn't appear in every novel. Missing out with "The Crystal Star" and "Black Fleet Crisis", which was explined in "I, Jedi". Once they got married, it was required that she stay on. Thrawn largely appeared in stories by Zahn and Stackpole. Corran Horn found life beyond Stackpole. With continuity, you have a supporting cast. Stories to be told with a fixed universe.

Doesn't matter where they originated from, they're just the same as all the others. Characters created to be a part of the expanded universe, which allowed the authors to avoid having to rely on the film characters all the time.

Well, who says that the Jedi don't do that in the films? Lucas didn't establish what the limits were.

I don't buy that one bit. Every form of fiction, from realistic to the fantastic, allows you to suspend belief. CSI: Las Vegas, Miami and New York would have you believe that they can solve a crime in short order. Yet in real life, it takes months to get it done. Rambo would have you believe that he can be shot at near point blank range and not get hit. Jack Ryan in the novels does some things that by rights he shouldn't be able to pull off.

How can that be impossible? They're all related to each other. Films, books, comics, video games, cartoons, etc. If you have an imagination, nothing is impossible.

 

I understand that Lucasfilm/subsidiaries are allowed to borrow from the collective Star Wars universe. There's no disputing that. What I'm saying is that, the reason Zhan's original trilogy is still considered by most to be one of (if not THE) best of the Star Wars novels is because he used the core characters (Luke, Han, Leia, etc...), but created everything else. (Thrawn, Mara Jade, ysalamari, etc...) He CREATED. He didn't borrow from Alan Dean Foster or any other authors before him. He took the basics...Lucas's authentic Star Wars and added to it. So the stories weren't as watered down. They were/are the closest thing to the real Star Wars universe that GL created.

My point is that the novels (aside from Zahn's original trilogy) seem to have less memorable characters than any of the other forms of media (Comics, Video gams)

 

ExU oldbie bump.

 

Sigh... still no new authors.

In hindsight, doing Sithlemania II was a mistake... cuz i've had writers block for almost a YEAR now with no desire to come up with meaningless matches that sorta already mirror what Darth Holliday did long, long, ago... which I guess he would approve of since it sorta would validate the whole Exploited Universe theory.

And SueAsideRide, thanks for the Roy Holladay update... is he your dad or something?

I think it's time for Mr. T to "change" the storyline... maybe i'll have something up in the next couple of weeks.

 

Episode III If It Was Written by EU Authors

DARK JEDI REVENGE

While Anakin Skywalker healed from his nearly life-ending wounds inside his black life-sustaining armor, created by Palpatine's team of medical experts, Senate Leader Palpatine entrusted Anakin to be cared for by the evil Sith. For Palpatine's grand plan to succeed, Anakin's loved ones must not learn that he is still alive until it is too late. Anakin's intense hatred sped his healing process. As Anakin healed, Palpatine solidified is control over the Senate, re-enforced his alliance with other powerful individuals and syndicates around the galaxy and watched as the Mandalorian and the Jedi slaughtered each other.

After becoming unhappy with the Council of Jedi Masters' handling of the Clone Wars, a few rogue Jedi left the council in frustration and were quickly seduced to the darkside by the nefarious Palpatine. The Jedi and the Republic's war with the Mandalorian was at a stalemate. Palpatine remained officially "neutral" in the conflict and the Jedi and the Republic reluctantly needed his help to bring a quick resolution to the war. Palpatine used this leverage to tremendously increase his power base and soon, as part of his grand scheme to take control of the Republic, he would betray the Mandalorian. Palpatine and his dark Jedi Master realized that only two individuals could possibly persuade Anakin to abandon the dark side of the Force: the Beauty and Anakin's mother. Palpatine knew exactly how to deal with those two threats . . .

In a couple of years, Anakin was fully healed and more powerful than ever. While learning to adjust to his body armor, the Sith were attacked by raiders (an attack secretly ordered by Palpatine). In a spectacular battle, Anakin, with the help of Palpatine's troops and the dark Jedi, soundly defeated the raiders. Although the Sith suffered great losses from the attack, Anakin had saved the Sith from utter annihalation and the Sith bestowed upon him the title of Dark Lord of the Sith for his valor. Palpatine was elated to see that his pupil was stronger and more powerful than ever and told Anakin that to keep his identity a secret Anakin must choose a new name. Hence, Anakin became Lord Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith. Vader would keep his borne name secret from his enemies until the right moment.

Palpatine, the Republic and the Jedi came to an agreement that Palpatine and his forces would join the war against the Mandalorian and their allies. Vader was reluctant to join the war against the evil Mandalorian because he admired their ruthlessness, in spite of the fact that they murdered all of his family except for his mother. Palpatine knew that without Vader leading his troops and dark Jedi; the war would take much longer to win. To force Vader to enter the war, Palpatine had to deal with Vader's mother. Palpatine's agents leaked a secret to the Mandalorian that General Kenobi's wife, Vader's mom, would be aboard a small fleet bound for Calamari. The Mandalorian believed that by killing Kenobi's wife this incident would demoralize the morale of the Republic and the Jedi. Instead, by murdering Vader's mother, the Mandalorian issued their own death sentence. After the Mandalorian murdered his mother, Vader, who would become the most feared warrior in galactic history, entered the war . . .

However, Vader would agree to fight in the Clone Wars only if he could fight side-by-side with Kenobi. At Vader's mother's funeral, Vader stared silently as his beloved mother's remains were consumed by the funeral pyre. Vader told Kenobi that they would avenge Kenobi's wife's death. Kenobi could sense that Vader was pure evil and immensely powerful. Somehow Kenobi could sense that he knew this mysterious cloaked figure. Vader simply explained to Kenobi that even he could not abide cowards who destroyed defenseless fleets carrying only women and children. Vader peered into the eyes of his bride, who was also present at the funeral, and could see that she was almost ready to bear a child. Vader inquired of

 

I'm a pale imatator compared to most of the writers here, though I was planning to finish my story about ep. III being done as ep. IV (I never gave that story a title). But no matter what I wrote as the next few chapters (about getting off the DS), I didn't like it, though I have good ideas for the other chapters. Not neccisarily writers block, just I'm not happy with resolving the escape.

I just read Star wars : dark lord : the rise of Darth Vader by James Luceno. Maybe I can fun of it. Though I thought the Vader and Sideous parts were good. I think any book that has Sideous as some unsung hero because he kept the galaxy together is bs. I'm annoyed how they have Palpatine preparing for the invasion of the...wait, what were their names? The ones that tons of writers wasted tons of trees on publishing books about them? Eh, again, hate when they portray Palpatine as some hero who unified the galaxy. Like, should we think that Hitler is a hero?

editI dont' think we ever plugged another fic in here that wasn't mocking the EU. But I found this fic and I thought is was funny.Phantoms and Slayers. It's Buffy from the beggining of BTVS season 3 as a captured slave during TPM, and progresses from there. If you don't like Buffy or BtVS, then you won't like this. But I like Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan in it, though there isn't much Anakin. But this fic might make some people rip out their eyes...just because Buffy is in it. ANd there are some errors, like misspellings and missing words, though it seems the person who wrote it likes Star Wars and knows Star Wars beyond the movies.

 

Those that portray Palpatine as a hero are part of the Imperial Remnant. Their views would probably reflect the fact that they thought Palpatine was a great saviour who reunited the galaxy under one regime to have peace. Also, Palpatine was unaware of the Yuuzhan Vong. The Empire-supporters claimed that Palpatine would have known how to deal with the Vong, never that he was preparing for it.

 

True. I mean, there were no doubt worlds that flurished under Palpatine, or people making money off of the stability. I remember reading the 6-issue Mara Jade: by the Emperor's Hand, and one panel had rebels attacking and a bunch of civilians getting hurt, and Mara was blaming the rebels for the unhappiness. Of course, she never saw the underside of Palpatine's rule. Seems like most people who wrote about Mara Jade made sure her hands were kept clean. That she only punished bad guys who stole and kill, not a nice politician that believed in the opposet of Palpatine.

I thought Palpatine knew about the Yuuzhan Vong; that that is why he sent Thrawn outside of the galaxy or something. But I havn't read any New Order books, though I would be interrested in reading a book on Leia and Luke finding about Padme.