Saga A Jedi No Longer (one post- Obi-Wan vignette)

This is basically the first piece of fanfiction I've ever managed to finish, and I'd love feedback, positive or negative. Please just take a minute or two, even if just to tell me it's being read.

Thanks to Jedi Keladry and bobilll for beta-ing this.

Thanks to everyone who takes the time to read this.

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Obi-Wan Kenobi no longer lived. There could be no more risk, no more chance. If his name got out, Anakin would find him. If Anakin found him, Kenobi would be killed.

Perhaps not such a bad thing?.

For a long time, the Jedi had felt as much. He had for months considered ending the chase, searching his apprentice out, dying with the knowledge that the last thing he had done was try to bring Anakin back to the light.

Try. If Master Yoda heard that word from him again?. Obi-Wan had heard that lecture more times than he could possibly give number to. Yet, trying was always what Obi-Wan had done. The Jedi had tried. He could not just ?do,? nor could he be content with doing not. Trying was a compromise. Obi-Wan had tried, for example, to do what was best for the children. Was he actually doing what was best? Who could possibly say?

The girl had been easily taken care of. Leia would be raised an Organa, the daughter of Bail and his wife, Saché. The child looked so much like Padmé?s former decoy it would be a wonder if anybody figured out the truth. Padmé and her daughter would have occasional visits, but they would never be seen in public together; Vader would never make the connection. Leia Organa would fit very well on Alderaan.

The boy, on the other hand, had no place. So he had been sent to the planet where he was least likely to be found, put in the trust of the last two people Anakin would suspect? and a Jedi in exile.

*********

Obi-Wan could hardly bear to meet Padné?s eyes. ?It?ll have to be the boy. He and Vader look too much alike.?

?But why?I still don?t understand ? why can?t they both stay with me? He won?t go after
Bail again, not after what happened before.?

?He won?t go unless he?s given a very good reason. Luke would be exactly that.?

The former senator pulled her son closer to her. ?You told me he wouldn?t go to Alderaan. You said that I would be safe there.?

?And so you will be, both you and your daughter. Vader won?t suspect, so long as you and Leia are never seen together, that she is his child. If he sees Luke he will know in an instant. Perhaps you would be able to hide it until he was three or four, but then Vader would realize.? He shook his head, locking eyes with her.

?Palpatine will know. My lady, if Palpatine finds out he will turn your son into something terrible. If Luke is trained from the beginnings of childhood he will become a ruthless, fighting machine, free of conscience and soul. He?ll-?

Padmé?s voice was harsh and pained. ?He?ll become like Anakin??

A lightsabre twisted into Obi-Wan?s gut and turmoil flashed through his eyes. He faltered, gripping the edge of the table with white-knuckled fingers. A mix of fear and concern swept over Padmé?s face.

?Obi-Wan, I?m sor??

?Yes. He will become just like Anakin,? Obi-Wan cut her off, eyes blazing, a bite to his tone. Yet his voice was tired. The Jedi was weary, weary of the war, weary of running, weary of the guilt and the accompanying pain.

Nobody could successfully face a trial so great. Losing a padawan was like losing a son or daughter. Losing a padawan to the Dark Side was like watching a child bind himself to the Jedi funeral pyre and set himself alight. Losing Anakin meant failing to fulfill his master?s last wish, and that was worse than anything Obi-Wan could imagine. He could not bring peace to his mentor, the closest thing he had to a father?.

?Where will he go?? The senator?s voice had become despondent, subdued.

Obi-Wan recovered himself. He tucked his thumbs under his chin, touched his hands beneath his nose then looked back up.

?I don?t know, milady.?

?He

 

Wonderful story, but sad.

Very well written.

 

Excellent viggie! I love your writing style. Great explanation of how Obi-Wan chose the name Ben.

It hurt to hear Padme able to form solutions instantly that Obi-Wan would perhaps never realize. Yes, his former padawan had spent a lot of time with the senator in the past few years, but he and the boy had been together for the ten before that. He should have known it would be Tatooine.

I liked this. It was very poignant, as if Obi-Wan is almost resentful because Padme shared a closer bond with Anakin than he did.

 

Excellent job, babe! I must say, for a "first piece," it's a heck of a lot better than my first every was!

I liked the emotions you've given Obi-Wan. Very thought out and real.

And since I suck at replies, I'll just give ya a Thumbs Up and a grin.

 

Oh, wow.

I really liked Obi-Wan's emotions here. They seemed very on-key. Padme's reaction was very nice, and I liked Obi-Wan's thoughts about the bodyguard comment. It added a nice touch. You have a nice, lyrical style that I adore. Excellent work.

I enjoyed the connection to the name "Ben". It added a depth to it that without it would have gone unoticed. It was really... eery, for lack of a better word. It was very sad, thinking of Obi-Wan before Anakin's fall planning on something that could not happen. It was very sad.

Great job.

-Krystal

 

Jedikma: Thanks!!! And yeah, it is sad. I submitted this to the TF.N archieves a day or two before I posted it here. Here's hoping. ::crosses fingers::

Gina: You know, it's funny that that particular passage spoke to you, because it's one of the ones I thought about the least. It just seemed natural. I'm really glad you liked the piece!!!

Mi: thanks, Dudess.

KrystalBlaze: Wow. Thanks for writing me such a long comment! I love getting feedback, even if it's negative feedback. The "Ben" thing is eerie, isn't it? Sad....


Thank you guys so much for reading!!! I really like comments, as I've already said.

Hopefully, this'll end up in the archieves sometime soon...

 

That was simply superb.

 

Great work!! Loved the emotional by play there! Padme stating about Luke perhaps becoming like Anakin if grabbed by Palpy. Loved the thoughts of Obi there! Great grasp on his feelings!!!
Loved this lil viggie

 

Very well written. I like the use of the flashbacks to tell the story, and the characters remain true to the saga.

 

Your characterization is very good! Nicely written, I enjoyed every moment of it. Well done!

 

Hehe second time reading it and think it's cool. It's a really deep and realistic interpretation of Obi-wan's relationship w/ Anakin. The rise of Ben Kenobi at the end was also a cool touch.

 

I enjoyed this. Being someone who has an interest in the character (hence my own little fic), i loved the way you portrayed Obi-Wan.

Nice work

 

That was beautifully written, Erela. The passage where Obi-Wan loses Anakin is wonderful. You did a great job interspersing all the flashbacks in with the story.

You've grasped Obi-Wan's feelings so well here as he spends his last night as a Jedi. The description of what Obi-Wan foresees for Luke on Tatooine was beautiful.

Well done!

 

How good... how very, very good...
The writing here's amazing, and you've got the characters perfectly, as I see them anyway.

?We are both dead, you and I.? Obi-Wan mused.

aw... aw, I just... I like that line. It... shows perfectly that the Jedi are gone, and the Order's gone, and Obi-Wan as well...

Brilliant stuff. ^^

 

Very beautiful and very sad. I loved the quiet of the ending and how it summed up all of his memories and tough choices, never knowing if they had been the right ones.

 

Beautifully done! You captured the characters and their dilemas with such sincerity and plausibility. Thank you for a wonderful vignette!

 

Wow! I'm so thrilled that so many of you have taken time to read and comment on this! Thank you!

Sabe126: Thank you so much!!! I'm glad you think so.

Kynstar: Thanks! You know, it's interesting... My very first draft of this didn't have any flashbacks. I thought it was missing something, so I added them in. I tried really hard to get Obi-Wan's emotions down; I'm happy you think I succeeded!

trfcrugby: Thank you! Like I said to Kynstar, I put the flashbacks in because I thought the piece was really missing something. I'm glad you think they were effective. Thanks for the character compliment.

VaderLVR64: Thanks so much! I really care about how my characters come across. I'm glad you liked my take, and I'm really glad you liked the piece!

bobilll: I had no idea you were on the TF.N boards. Thank you so much for beta-reading this. You helped make this way better. Thanks for taking the time to comment too!

Kartanym: I'm so happy you liked my characterization, and the vig. as a whole. Thank you!

tangled_sphere: Wow! Hearing praise from you is an honor; Dark Legacy is such a great work. The passage where Obi-Wan loses Anakin was the most emotional for me to write, except perhaps for the very end. I'm glad you like the writing style, and the characterization. Thanks!

djcati: Thanks! The line you picked out is one of my favorites in the vig. I'm glad you liked the characterization and flashbacks!

red_rose_knight: Thank you for your kind words! I'm glad you liked the ending; I wanted its dynamic to show the kind of person Obi-Wan had transformed into. Thanks for reading this!

jedimommie2: Thanks! I was hoping to capture the characters not only in a way I saw true but in a way others would respect as well. I'm pleased that you thought I had the characters, and their situations, down.



I'm still surprised (and so happy) to have received all of these comments. I want to thank all of you for your praise and for reading!

If anybody has any suggestions for improving the vig., I'd love to hear those as well. I don't expect it'll make it into the archieves the first time around, and I'd love to improve it. If you don't want to post suggestions on here, you can always PM me. Thank you!!

 

This is a really nice piece. With the ending of Obi-Wan comes the end of the Jedi and a whole new era of bitterness and waiting. It's really sad to see Obi-Wan blaming himself so much, but one has to believe that he would. It will take a long time for him to work through those things and be able to train Luke.

I loved your style, using the vivid flashbacks to capture emotions that can't really be put into words. This was a good fic, for a first piece or otherwise. I encourage you to keep writing; I for one would be interested in what other ideas you have


-sj loves kevin spacey

 

solojones: Thank you!

It's really sad to see Obi-Wan blaming himself so much, but one has to believe that he would.

Yep. That's Obi-Wan (in my view, at least).

This was a good fic, for a first piece or otherwise. I encourage you to keep writing; I for one would be interested in what other ideas you have.

Wow! Thanks! I've got a couple plot bunnies, and beginnings of drafts, and somewhat finished drafts sitting around my desktop and house. Hopefully, I'll get something together enough to post.

 

wow! A powerful viggie, in which I love the vivid flashbacks and the tie-in with the past and the future: "Ben". Simply great.

 

Laine_Snowtrekker: Thanks so much! I'm glad you liked the flashbacks. I enjoyed writing them (even though they made me really sad. ).

 

I want to once again thank all of you for reading and your comments. I just found out that this was accepted to the TF.N archieves!!! Not sure when it'll be posted yet (I still have to get cover art and stuff), but I just thought I'd share my giddyness!

 

Congratulations! Can't wait to see it up!

 

Congrats, -Erela-!

 

Congrats... I really enjoyed reading this. The emotion in it is really powerful. After reading it I can almost see the story come to life as if it was actually in the movie. Bravo! Hope your next one is just as powerful if not better.