Saga A Jedi (Obi-Wan Angst, RotS Spoilers)

Title: A Jedi
Author: Luthe
Characters: Obi-Wan, some Anakin
Genre: Angst
Timeline: Intertrilogy
Summary: Things a Jedi does not know.
Notes: Here there be spoilers.

Well, hopefully this is the end of my writer's block...

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[i]Pain[/i]

Obi-Wan has been hurt before. Accidents in the sparring room, blaster bolts that had not been blocked in time, beatings he could not stop without breaking his cover, the lightning of Count Dooku; these all had hurt. But that pain was inconsequential compared to the pain he felt now.

Now he knew true pain. He had thought Qui-Gon's death was the greatest blow he would ever suffer. It wasn't. Anakin's betrayal, his choice to turn his back on everything Obi-Wan believed in, everything Obi-Wan had worked so hard to teach him, that was a greater blow. The knowledge that Anakin had not only betrayed the Order but had murdered his fellow Jedi, right down to the younglings, was unbearable.

And the pain only got worse. Anakin almost killed Padme, the woman he claimed to love, the woman he had married in direct defiance of the Code, and then he had tried to kill Obi-Wan. He had known then that he had no choice but to kill Anakin, the boy he had grown to think of as a son, as a brother, as the greatest friend he had.

There was no greater pain than that of leaving Anakin on that lava beach to die. But he had no choice. A Jedi does not know pain.

[i]Anger[/i]

He still rages about it, deep in the dark of the Tatooine night. He curses Anakin and his impetuousness, his disregard of orders and rules, his decision to keep secrets from his fellow Jedi until it was far, far too late. He howls his frustration at the stars, wishing there had been other choices, other ways of dealing with the situation. He sometimes wishes in his deepest heart that he had refused to honor his promise to Qui-Gon, that Anakin had been killed in the Battle of Naboo, that they had never stopped on the dustball world of Tatooine in the first place.

Rarely, very rarely, he takes his lightsabre out into the desert night and does katas. But they are not the peaceful soothing katas of a Jedi. They are the angry katas of a man who cannot hold his his feelings in one moment longer. On those nights, he thinks he knows what Anakin felt when he decided to fall; the power and the falsely cleansing rage of the Dark Side, the pure energy that it seems to give.

After those nights, though, he spends days scrubbing his soul clean. He should not give into such base emotion. A Jedi does not know anger.

[i]Hatred[/i]

He hates Anakin.

No. That isn't true. He doesn't hate *Anakin*. He hates what Anakin has become. He hates what Anakin has done. He hates what Anakin does to him.

He knows he should not feel so much when he thinks about his former Padawan, but he can't help himself. Anakin was the lodestone of their hopes, their dreams, their lives. So much faith had been placed in him, so much trust, and he betrayed it all. He stepped willingly into the Darkness and left them alone and bereft in the Light.

It's worse, though, because Obi-Wan blames himself. It he had just seen, if he had just known, he could have changed things. He could have stopped this. But he didn't see, he didn't know, he couldn't stop it. So now he feels. Guilt, sorrow, pain, anger. All of the emotions that a Jedi should not have. And why? Because of Anakin.

He hates Anakin for this. And he hates himself. Because a Jedi does not know hate.

[i]Love[/i]

The tragedy, the irony, the fact that scares him most of all, is the knowledge that despite everything that has happened, despite all that he has witnessed and all that he knows, is that if Anakin came to him and asked his forgiveness, he would grant it in a heartbeat. He shouldn't, of course, not after the betrayals and the lies and the murders, but he would. Because Anakin was his Padawan and he loves him.

He had blinded himself to the fact for years, of course. But it was there, growing all the time, waiting for acknowledgment. That acknowledgement came too late to

 

Oh, what a gem. Very powerful, and dramatic. I simply loved it!

 

Beautifully done! I love the way you explored the range of emotions that Obi-Wan has for Anakin - each one more powerful than the last. Bravo

 

Very intense and very incisive writing. Marvelous, simply put. What can I say? I love it

 

Oh this is brilliant and so true to the contradictions of which Obi-Wan must find himself in.