"A Jedi's Redemption" - PLEASE critique my fanfic!!

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by jedi_master_gimpy, Mar 14, 2000.

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  1. jedi_master_gimpy Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Okay, I hope you guys enjoy this. I've had a LOT of fun writing some of the less...serious...scenes, so be forewarned!!
    ---------------------------------------

    A Jedi's Redemption

    Jedi Master Luke Skywalker stepped up to the speaking dais in the Grand Audience Chamber at the Jedi Academy on Yavin IV. He clasped his hands in front of his dark brown robe as he addressed the assembled Jedi Knights, apprentices, and candidates in his simple, straightforward manner. "The path of a Jedi is hard to follow. It is a constant struggle that many do not finish. Therefore I am very pleased to be able to welcome Daren Maryo to the ranks of the Jed Knights." He held out a hand as a tall, brown-haired boy mounted the dais. "Congratulations, Daren. And may the Force be with you. Always."

    As applause swept through the large chamber, Daren bowed formally and then a huge grin broke out on his handsome face. His clear blue eyes searched the crowd until they came to rest on a familiar figure.

    Twenty-two year old Talja Ducherra smiled proudly back at Daren as Master Skywalker shook his hand. Daren wore a simple black jumpsuit and his father's lightsaber gleamed at his side. Talja pushed a strand of long, blond hair out of her green eyes and subconsciously touched the small, cylindrical hilt of the lightsaber at her own waist. Talja had become a Jedi Knight not even a year before. A wide grin split her face at the happiness radiating from Daren.

    The crowd began to break up and Talja moved towards the front of the room to congratulate her special friend. She felt a movement by her side and turned to see her thirty-one year old brother Jordyn step up beside her. He smiled at her, a slightly different face with the same eye and hair color, before turning back to the stage and cupping his hands to his mouth, yelling, "Good job, Daren!"

    The twenty-three year old on the dais smiled even wider. He then struck a pose that could have come straight off the cover of a superhero Holovid, his feet apart, fists on hips, shoulders thrown back, gazing off into the distance. "I am Daren Maryo, Jedi Knight and overall keeper of peace and justice in the galaxy," he announced majestically.

    Jordyn rolled his eyes as he and Talja arrived at the dais. "Next thing you know he'll be thinking he's a member of the Jedi Council and will start ordering everyone around."

    "Quiet, boy!" Daren exclaimed with mock sternness, pointing a finger at Jordyn. "I did not give you permission to speak!"

    Jordyn hid a smile. "Someone's been hanging out with the woolamanders for too long."

    "Come on down here, O Great Jedi Knight, and grace us with your presence," Talja said, grinning from ear to ear.

    "At least someone here appreciates me," Daren grumbled, shooting a mock-scowl in Jordyn's direction. He jumped lightly down from the dais and swept Talja up in a warm hug, then stepped back for a quick peck on the cheek.

    Daren draped an arm over her shoulder as the trio headed for the turbolift. "So...." he said with a sly look. "Is the party in the mess hall?"

    Talja gave him a surprised look. "And what party would you be referring to?"

    Daren sent Talja a hurt look. "So far there's been a small party for all the new Jedi Knights. Don't tell me you guys aren't going to hold on for me."

    Talja threw her hands up in the air. "I give up! It's in the mess hall."

    When the group of friends arrived the party was in full swing. There was plenty of food and drink, as well as a lot of good-natured joking around. The younger candidates and apprentices, as well as some of the older ones, were enjoying a game of "Pin the Tail on the Gundark.'

    "We were going to play 'Put the Lightsaber through the Sith', but Master Skywalker didn't quite approve of that," Jordyn explained. The three friends joined the celebration with a smile.
    ---------------------------
    Okay...so what'd you think? I have quite a bit more written, but I'm not going to post it unless people are actually reading it. Let me know...I really enjoy people's coments!!
  2. jedi_master_gimpy Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Humdeedumdeedum *twirls fingers while waiting for anyone to come read her fanfic*

    I know you're out there!!

    EEEEEEEEEEK! A BIG, HAIRY, POISONOUS GROSS SPIDER!!!!!

    *SQUISH*

    Eeeeeewww!! Yucky!! Now I've got big, hairy poisonous spider guts on my paper!! Gross!! *scrubs the microscopic spot vigorously with rubbing alcohol and other disinfectants*

    Hi there, Jedi Master Gimpy.

    *slaps hand to forehead* Not you again!!! Why do you always have to follow me around, Darth Crippled?!?

    Isn't that what evil twins are supposed to do? Mwuhahahahahah

    Get away!! *throws her 50 kilaton math book at Darth Crippled, hits her on the head*

    Hey!! Now look what you did!! I'm bleeding!!

    Have a bandaid!! *slaps a bandaid on Darth Crippled's forehead*

    Why thank you, Jedi Master Gimpy!! *starts singing* I am stuck on Band-Aid's brand, 'cause germs don't stick on me!


    *sigh*....I'm bored....
  3. Alli-Wan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    Well written. Awaiting more.
  4. jedi_master_gimpy Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Why thank you, Alli-Wan!! I don't have time to post more right now, but I will this afternoon. Btw, I've read your fanfic, and I love it!! It is soooooo funny!! I just haven't gotten around to posting on it yet...my stupid computer takes forever to load anything, especially replies.
  5. epic Ex Mod / RSA

    Member Since:
    Jul 4, 1999
    star 7
    Don't I know you from somewhere, jedi_master_gimpy?

    Post more of the story!
  6. jedi_master_gimpy Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Hm....why does the username epic remind me of "w/superhero costume"? (LOL your usernames) Btw, whatever happened to your fanfic? It was really good! Thanks for reading mine!! Here's the next part.
    -----------------------------------------
    Deep underground, in the bowelse of the planet Cinnager, a man sat at a table, brooding. His wrinkled face was hidden under the darkness of his cloak, his orange eyes glowing with his inner anger.

    It is time, he though. Finally time. A frown briefly flitted over his face as he thought about the two-year delay in his plans.

    At one time his control over the galaxy was assured. His apprentice, Darth Ryun, had many promising students attending his academy, training in the ways of the Force. But Ryun had been too confident, had underestimated the Ducherra girl and her friends. She had trained at the academy with her brother, after Ryun had murdered their parents. Later on she had recognized who he was, the murderer of her parents, by his Force presence, after he had let his anger get the better of himself. Talja had fled, but Ryun had tricked her brother Jordyn into staying. Talja had later returned with Daren, Ryun's own nephew. Daren had killed Ryun in a lightsaber deul, and now the dark man's plan was ruined.

    The man's eyes hardened as he thought of all the hard work his apprentice ahd destroyed. His anger became a palpable thing, and across the room a metal chair shattered under the force of it.

    Darth Surien bottled up the rest of his anger. It would serve him better later on, when the three young Jedi were helpless before him. Then they would see the true power of the Sith.
  7. jedi_master_gimpy Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    HELLO...hello...hello

    Anybody out there?
  8. jedi_master_gimpy Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Okay...I'm going to keep going. Is there anyone lurking out there reading this? If there is, I would REALLY appreciate it if you could post so that I would know it's worth the effort to keep posting this.
    --------------------------------
    Talja slowly opened her eyes to the cold light of dawn pouring into her room in the Great Temple. She lay there for a few moments listening to the chirping of birds, before luxuriously stretching. She quickly pulled on a gray jumpsuit and then headed off for her morning run.

    The calmness of the jungle rushed over her as she ran through the dew-covered plants. The jungle slowly awoke around her, birds flitting here and there, a pack of woolamanders crashing through the underbrush nearby. When Talja arrived back at the Great Temple she was tired and hot, but refreshed and awake.

    Talja walked into the mess hall and grabbed a tray of food. She slid onto a bench beside Jordyn and Daren. When Daren left to get a second helping, Talja turned to Jordyn and asked in a low voice, "When should be do it?"

    Jordyn checked to make sure Daren was nowhere near them before replying, "How about this afternoon, after our classes?"

    "Sounds great," Talja just had enough time to whisper back before Daren rejoined them.

    After breakfast Talja attended a class on levitating objects taught by Master Skywalker. The calm Jedi addressed his students, "The Force is in all things. You, me, the air, the walls of this temple, the chairs you're sitting on. The Force allows us to move these objects." He swept an arm out to encompass a pile of rather large rocks on the ground beside him. "I want each of you to practice moving these rocks with the Force."

    A chorus of groans met his announcement. He turned to the new candidates who had voiced their feelings. "My Master once told me that 'size matters not'," he said, his presence radiating calmness and serenity, a smile playing around his lips. "Do not let the size of the rocks intimidate you."

    "I guess it's worth a try," one dark-haired boy commented, plunking a rock down in front of him.

    "Do or do not," Master Skywalker corrected him. "There is no try."

    Talja smiled inwardly at the boy's skepticism. She grabbed a rock of her own and sat down cross-legged with the rock on the ground in front of her. She let her eyes slide shut as she reached out with the Force. Talja sensed the rock and explored its surface until she knew every bump and crevice. Then she imagined it being as light as a feather, and pictured it rising up to her eye level. When she had a very steady Force grip on the rock hovering before her, she whirled it around her head in dizzying circles and spins. Talja heard an appreciative gasp from one of the younger candidates, and slowly let the rock settle to the stone floor.

    Talja blinked her eyes open and smiled in surprise at Master Skywalker standing a few feet away. "That was good, Talja," he encouraged. "Your telekinetic powers are certainly improving. Why don't you try it with two rocks now?"

    Talja smiled mischievously. "Do or do not. There is no try. And I never can resist a challenge."
  9. jedi_master_gimpy Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Come on, people!! It can't be that bad!!
  10. jedi_master_gimpy Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
  11. Alli-Wan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    Good work. Interesting happenings.
    (Don't worry about the few comments as of late. Things are a little screwy since they started the second forum. Just keep writing. We're reading.) --AWK
  12. jedi_master_gimpy Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou Alli-Wan!!! I'll take your words of wisdom to heart!!
    ---------------------------------------
    Talja and Jordyn crouched behind some boulders in the clearing outside the Great Temple. ?Are you sure he?s coming?? Jordyn asked impatiently.
    Talja checked her chrono. ?My message said to meet us out here right away. And his class ended five minutes go, so he should be here any second.? She tried to stretch her aching muscles, sore from her strenuous lightsaber practice after lunch.
    ?There he is,? Jordyn said. ?Shhhh.?
    Daren stepped out the hanger bay doors of the temple?s lower level into the bright sunshine. He looked around the clearing for his friends, stepping forward a few steps. Jordyn and Talja both let out a war cry and jumped out from behind the rock, letting loose two mud balls. Daren whirled at the sound, and got pegged, one in the face and one in the chest.
    Talja scooped up another mud ball from a puddle forming due to a recent rain. She threw it at Daren, and it hit his shoulder. His mouth dropped open in amazement. Talja struck an official pose. ?We now initiate you to a full Jedi Knight.? Suddenly something cold and wet smacked into the side of her face. Talja raised a hand to touch it and came away muddy. She turned to a laughing Jordyn. ?You are sooooo dead.?
    Talja threw a mud ball in Jordyn?s direction right before she ducked behind a rock, barely escaping a dirt clod thrown by Daren. Soon mud and dirt were being tossed every which way in an every-Jedi-for-themselves mud war.
    Talja wound up for a particularly hard throw, and with a flick of her wrist threw it at Daren. Daren ducked just as Master Skywalker walked out of the open hanger bay doors and the Jedi Master got beaned right between the eyes.
    Talja gasped in horror. Master Skywalker slowly wiped the mud off, a look of surprise on his face. He cleared his throat. ?What is going on here??
    The three troublemakers stepped out from behind their mud-spattered shelters and nervously stood in front of him. Talja traced a line in the mud with her toe. ?Um, we were?ah?that is, my brother and I were initiating Daren to the rank of Jedi Knight?in our own little way.?
    Master Skywalker pondered that for a moment. ?Very well?carry on.? He turned and walked back towards the temple, laughter in his eyes and a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.
    The three friends never saw the huge globs of mud until they hit them right in the face. At the same time a strong Force tug yanked their feet out from under them and they landed on their backs in the mud.
    Jordyn sat up and stared at the retreating figure of Luke Skywalker. ?Are Jedi Masters allowed to do that??
    ------------------------------------
    Wow!! I just discovered the little 'copy and paste from a disk' trick!! Jeez that was fast!!
  13. Alli-Wan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    Is Luke turning to the Dark Side , or the Dirt Side tongue.gif of the Force. (LOL).
  14. ATATzsinj Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 11, 2000
    star 2
    I'm reading! It's good - keep goin'
  15. mouse2 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 29, 1999
    star 4
    I'm reading. Mudball strikes again!

    Keep posting! I love it!
  16. jedi_master_gimpy Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Oh, wow!! There's actually a few people reading this!! Yesyesyesyesyesyes!!!! I'm so glad you guys enjoyed the famous "Yavin IV Jedi Academy's MudWar of the Century" Dirt side, LOL AW!!! Hey mouse2, I hope you don't mind, but your story kinda gave me the idea.

    Okay, here's a more serious part, it gives a little background to the characters, because this is actually a sequel to another fanfic I wrote. However, there's more humor on the way!!
    ------------------------------------------
    Talja lay stretched out on her back on the flat roof of the Great Temple, her arms crossed behind her head. Above her the stars twinkled brightly in the warm jungle night. Daren lay beside her. ?Look,? he said, pointing at one bright star. ?There?s Coruscant.?

    ?Coruscant is a planet, stupid,? Talja returned. ?That?s Coruscant?s star.?

    Daren grinned in the dark and punched her playfully in the arm. ?You know what I meant.?

    Once again silence descended as they became lost in their own thoughts. The mention of Coruscant brought back painful memories for both. Two years before, Talja and her brother had been training under Master Ryun in the ways of the Force. At one point Ryun had let down the walls he kept around his Force presence and Talja had finally recognized him as the man who killed her parents in order to cut her off from the only tie keeping her from training with him. She had tried to get Jordyn to leave with her, but he hadn?t believed her about Ryun. So Talja went on by herself, and met Daren. He had gone back with her to try to convince Jordyn once again to leave.

    Ryun had confronted them, and that was when Daren had told Talja that Ryun was his uncle. Daren?s father had been a dedicated Jedi Knight while his younger brother, Darth Ryun, had delved into Sith teachings. When Daren was eleven, Ryun and some of his friends had attacked and murdered a group of Jedi Knights. When Daren?s father had confronted him they had fought, but Daren?s father had been unable to bring himself to kill his brother. So Ryun had killed him. Not long after that Daren?s mother had killed herself, unable to stand the grief, and Daren had been taking care of himself ever since. Darth Ryun had challenged him to a duel, and Daren had killed him and reclaimed his father?s lightsaber. Now the three Jedi ? Talja, Jordyn and Daren ? trained at the Jedi Academy on Yavin IV.

    Daren was the first to break the painful silence of remembering. ?Is Jordyn okay with us being Jedi Knights and all? I mean, he has slightly better control then us in the Force, but he?s still in training.?

    Talja remained silent for a minute, pondering the question and phrasing her answer carefully. ?I think he understands and even agrees with Master Skywalker?s reasons for holding him back. Jordyn knows he went extremely close to the dark side, and may have even crossed the line for a short time. He needs to give himself time to recover and relearn how to use the Force without anger or fear.?

    Daren nodded, the movement barely perceptible in the pale moonlight. ?I?m glad he understands. Sometimes I worry that?? his voice trailed off as he collected his thoughts. ?He?s very hard on himself about what he did under Ryun. Jordyn?s constantly trying to make up for it; he can?t forgive himself. I just hope that someday he doesn?t put himself in a lot of danger to save others in an attempt to make up for it.?

    The thought disturbed Talja by its accuracy in analyzing Jordyn. Daren seemed to sense her turmoil. ?I?m sorry,? he apologized. ?I didn?t mean to worry you.?

    ?Don?t worry about it,? Talja said quietly.

    Daren slowly stood up, feeling her need to be alone. ?I?m going to turn in now. Good night.?

    ?Good night,? Talja replied absently. ?I?ll see you in the morning.? She stared at the twinkling stars above her, then rolled onto her side on the smooth rocks that had been laid there a millennia before. Talja pulled her jacket tighter around her as she thought about what Daren had said.
  17. jedi_master_gimpy Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Okay, peeps!! Here's some more!!
    * * * * * * * * *

    Darth Surien sat quietly reflecting in a bare room on Cinnager. Before him on the metal table rested a square amulet engraved with strange symbols. The amulet would help him rule over the whole galaxy. The amulet that not even his older brother, Emperor Palpatine, had known still existed.

    The memory of his brother brought a scowl to Darth Surien?s face. His brother, the great Emperor. When the Sith had come when they were little, it was the older, slightly more Force-sensitive Palpatine that had been chosen to train. But it was himself that was the smarter of the two.

    By the time Surien was three he was teaching himself how to manipulate people and objects through the Force. By the time he was eight he was pulling up all the documents on Jedi and Sith alike. It was when he turned twelve that Surien realized that his older brother would consider him a problem in his quest for power. That was when Surien casually murdered his parents and set fire to their home, making it look like the whole family had died in the resulting destruction. Palpatine believed him dead.

    While his older brother was beginning his political career, Surien was learning more and more, continuing his Sith training. He went from planet to planet, visiting Sith temples long forgotten. It was on Cinnager itself that Surien had made his ultimate discovery, that of the amulet and its power, the best kept Sith secret since the time of Ulic Qel-Droma and Exar Kun. A secret only he knew of.

    Darth Surien let his eyes drift shut as he greedily fingered the amulet. He reached into its deep powers. It was time to reveal the most dangerous Sith secret to the rest of the galaxy. And when he did, the Jedi would die. Surien gasped slightly as a rolling tide of the dark side swept over him through the amulet, as dark forces left dormant for a millennia slowly awakened?

    Halfway across the galaxy, on a small jungle moon, ancient doors groaned slowly open. Gases and breathable atmosphere invaded rooms previously filled with sterile vacuum. Coolant hissed into long halls, awakening the beings that had lied waiting for so long?

    * * * * * * * * *

    Talja sat with a few of her friends in the mess hall. It was rather early, and trainees were just beginning to trickle in for breakfast.

    Beside her was sitting Caelosi, eyeing her heaping plate of food hungrily. One would never be able to tell that she ate so much from her slight frame. Caelosi was beautiful with her exotic violet, cat-like eyes and long, reddish-brown hair with its blond streaks.

    Caelosi elbowed Talja in the ribs. She raised her chin to indicate a handsome boy entering the mess hall. ?What about him?? she asked.

    Across the table, Atril?yla peeked at the young man and then turned back to the two girls, amusement rippling the Bothan?s white fur. ?He looks like a boxers kind of guy to me,? she commented in her deep, throaty voice.

    ?I don?t know,? Talja said, tapping her chin with her finger. ?He strikes me as a brief?s person.?

    Caelosi raised one sculpted eyebrows. ?If you guys are really that adamant I?m sure we can use the Force to resolve the whole issue.?

    Talja clapped a hand to her mouth to stifle her giggle. ?You wouldn?t.?

    Caelosi grinned back. ?Nope. But you should have seen the look on your guys? faces!?

    Atril?yla motioned to a skinny, freckled boy who couldn?t be more than sixteen. ?What about that one??

    ?Briefs,? Talja said immediately.

    ?Definitely briefs,? Caelosi affirmed. ?With X-wings and Wookies on them.?

    Atril?yla shook her head. ?That?s a little more than I needed to know.? Caelosi flashed her a wicked smile.

    Just then Master Skywalker serenely walked in. Unable to help herself, Talja leaned forward conspiratorially and asked, ?What do you think Master Skywalker wears??

    ?Briefs,? Atril?yla said at exactly the same moment Caelosi said, ?Boxers.?

    ?Oh, yeah,? Talja said with a smile. ?I could see him lounging around his quarters in bright green boxers with Yoda and Darth Vader on
  18. jedi_master_gimpy Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Hm....no replies? Oh, well. Let's see if this will pique your interest...
    ------------------------------
    Master Skywalker tensed and his eyes seemed to drift off, looking into nothing as if he were communicating to someone else ? possibly Kam ? through the Force. Then his gaze snapped back into focus, his look turning grim. ?Tionne,? he snapped. ?Get all the younger candidates and apprentices gathered in the Grand Audience Chamber. Kirana Ti, send a message to the New Republic and any ships in range. Tell them we are under attack and request assistance.?

    The room began to empty as Master Skywalker turned to the remaining Knights and advanced apprentices. ?The Temple is in grave danger,? he said. ?All of you have had practice with lightsabers. It is up to you to protect those who have not.? The Jedi Master indicated the last of the younger kids being herded out by Tionne. ?Everyone pair up. Stay with your partner. Work together, you will be stronger and can help each other out. Prevent attackers from getting inside the Temple. The young must be protected at all costs.? He met each of their gazes. ?May the Force be with you all.? With that he whirled and led them outside.

    As they reached the open hanger Talja saw the first signs of fighting. In the open hanger bay doors was a line of struggling Knights, led by Kam Solusar. Their lightsabers were ignited and sizzled through the air. Around them buzzed humanoid forms, a thick blur of reddish-purple.

    The Jedi at the doors were hopelessly outnumbered but fought valiantly. They cut down many of the attacking humanoids, but Talja saw at least two lying motionless on the ground.

    As she made her way to the door, Talja sensed a motion down and to her right. Squinting, she saw a young man lying in a heap against the wall. His sorrowful eyes watched her as puncture wound in his abdomen. Talja recognized him; he was a nice, extremely talented young man who always had a caring word for everyone. ?Cilghal!? she called, catching sight of the veteran Mon Calamari Jedi in the rolling sea of Jedi pouring towards the battle to help their comrades. The healer turned and flowed to Talja?s side, crouching beside her. ?He?s injured,? Talja said unnecessarily.

    ?I will stay with him,? Cilghal promised.

    Suddenly, looking at the injured man, Talja felt cold all over. Jordyn and Daren had had a training session that morning?with Kam. Talja searched through the milling bodies, trying to spy the two boys as her stomach clenched itself into an icy knot. Then, with a flood of relief, she felt their familiar presences and spotted them fighting side-by-side off near the edge of the battle.

    ?Caelosi!? Talja called. Her friend appeared at her side, and with unspoken agreement the two friends pushed their way to the boys. As they closed in, Talja got a better look at the attackers.

    They were humanoid, with reddish-purple skin and spiky reddish-purple hair. Most wore simple loincloths or dresses made of animal hides and carried spikes, clubs, and deadly knifes and spears. Most frightening of all was the blank, empty looks on their faces as they automatically and efficiently attacked anything in their path. They threatened to overwhelm the Jedi by the sheer number of them.

    ?Massassi,? Caelosi breathed. Talja started. Massassi? The slaves brought to Yavin IV by Exar Kun and the Sith Lords had supposedly all been killed off. But sure enough, the muscular humanoids perfectly matched the pictures depicting the ancient race.

    All of it passed through Talja?s mind in a split second. Now was not the time to think about who the attackers were, now was the time to fight in order to protect the young candidates, her friends, her teachers, and herself.

    Caelosi and Talja arrived at the front line and stood beside each other with their lightasabers drawn, standing far enough apart that they could use the full length of their lightsabers for their benefit without worrying about hitting each other.

    The Massassi, if that was what they were, were upon them immediately. T
  19. Alli-Wan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    Very good description of the battle, and the attackers. Emotions handled well. Keep up the good work! --AWK
  20. jedi_master_gimpy Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Thank you, Alli-Wan!!! Here's the rest of the battle!!
    -------------------------------
    The Massassi seemed to be getting smarter and smarter even as Talja got more and more tired. As Massassi fell up and down the line, the remaining ones appeared to concentrate more and begin coordinating attacks.

    Out of the corner of her eyes Talja spotted a dozen black dots in the atmosphere, getting closer. Her heart soared, and around her she sensed her friends? morality improving. They continued to fight as the dots became identifiable as a squadron of X-wings.

    They came blasting out of the sky, raining laser bolts on large knots of the Massassi. A cheer arose from the group of defenders as they recognized the crest of Rogue Squadron. The lead X-wing waggled its wings. Around the Jedi the Massassi were vaporized where they stood. The natives closely surrounding the Knights remained unhurt, though: if the X-wings shot they might accidentally hit the defenders themselves.

    As the outside Massassi dropped like flies, the closer ones became extremely vicious and intelligent. As a large Massassi male squared off with her, Talja noticed Atril?yla fall under the blow of a lethal axe off to the side.

    Talja froze, and barely got her lightsaber up in time to deflect the Massassi warrior?s spear. It hit the hilt and slid down it, the wooden staff scraping Talja?s knuckles raw. She anticipated the warrior?s swing to her right shoulder and pivoted around to block it, her lightsaber slicing neatly through the middle and breaking it into two pieces.

    Only the slight smile of victory on the warrior?s face as well as a small warning from the Force prepared Talja s the wooden staff of the Massassi behind her bashed into the back of her legs, knocking her to the ground. Talja twisted in the air and scissored her legs with the Massassi?s, sweeping him off his feet. In one smooth movement she rolled to her knees and swung her lightsaber around in a lazy circle to cut the Massassi in two.

    Talja was too late to stop the knife that slid delicately up her arm, drawing blood. She turned to face the original, smiling Massassi male as he danced back out of reach.

    The knife slid back into its sheath and the warrior picked up a spear from a dead comrade. He twirled it in his hands as if saying, ?Now that I have your attention, let?s begin the real thing.?

    Talja squared herself as they began circling each other. The Massassi lunged and feinted a few times as if testing her. Talja easily blocked them although her grip on her lightsaber began to weaken as the handle became slippery with blood from her cut.

    The Massassi brought the staff up as if to bash it into the right side of her head and then immediately switched directions and brought the opposite end around in a wide sweep meant to yank her legs out from under her.

    Talja jumped up, using the Force to propel herself above the wooden stick. As soon as she touched the ground she was forced to duck again as the staff came towards her left temple. And in that split second the Massassi brought the knife up with his left hand and flicked it across her exposed stomach.

    Talja gasped as pain shot through her. The Massassi stepped forward, planning on a killing blow to the chest. Talja sidestepped to the right as the battle seemed to slow, the world around her going eerily silent. Her lightsaber seemed move of its own accord as it came around behind the Massassi and cut through the back of his neck. He fell in slow motion to the ground, surprise written on his face.

    The rest of the Massassi were busy between Rogue Squadron and the remaining Jedi, leaving Talja silent and alone in her pain. Blood roared in Talja?s ears as she fell to her hands and knees on the ground, the edges of her vision becoming spotted with black. She looked down and saw the red stain of blood soaking her tunic and dripping to the ground to join the blood coursing down her arm.

    White in the corner of her eye caught her attention. Talja crawled to it as time seemed to come to a standstill around her, figures ble
  21. Return of the Wattowatta Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Mar 11, 2000
    star 4
    Good job, jmg!


    Hey, did you reply to one of my fan-fics at Jedi.net?


    I seem to remember someone by your name there...
  22. Alli-Wan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    You describe the battle very well, which is no small task. Very sad post. Please write more. --AWK
  23. jedi_master_gimpy Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Thanks!! Sorry it took me a little while to get the next part up. And yes, RotW, I am the same Jedi Master Gimpy from JN! Thanks for the encouragement AW, I had to rewrite that battle scene quite a few times before it sounded right!
    -------------------------------------
    Luke Skywalker passed through the battlefield, alerting healers to serious cases, splinting an arm here, bandaging a wound there, and alleviating pain. Wherever the Jedi Master passed the suffering was not as bad, the moans a little less frequent.

    He turned as Wedge Antilles bounded across the grass to meet him, helmet tucked under arm and dark hair on the brink of chaos. ?Luke!? he called, a wide grin breaking across his handsome face. The two friends shook hands and clapped each other?s back.

    ?Wedge! It?s good to see you,? Luke exclaimed, a boyish grin lighting up his face. For a moment they seemed like young boys instead of tired war heroes. Then his face became quiet and more withdrawn as he looked at the carnage around him. ?I?m glad you got here when you did, Wedge.? Luke rested a hand on Wedge?s shoulder as they begin to walk towards the temple. ?So what brought you here anyway?? he asked, forcing cheerfulness.

    Wedge ran a hand through his unruly hair. ?You were there when we chased off Leonia Tavira. The New Republic decided it would be a good time to have the famous Rogue Squadron visit a few worlds and raise moral. We were flying by on our way to Mon Calamari when we heard your distress signal.? He scowled. ?Thank the Force we did, too. It could have been a lot worse.?

    Luke nodded. ?I know.? He turned to watch as Wes Janson approached them. He held his datapad in his hand as if it were a blaster and pointed it at every Massassi he passed, hitting the ?Transmit? key rapidly as if shooting. He proceeded to ?kill? all of the dead Massassi. Luke eyed him with concern. ?Is Wes all right??

    Wedge sighed. ?I think this attack saved us, Luke. It?s all these Sithspitting diplomatic functions.? He ran a hand through his hair again. ?I hate diplomatic formalities. The squadron was about ready to kill each other.? He waved a hand around, trying to explain. ?Sometimes you get extremely tired of saying ?Yes, I?m happy to be here but I don?t want to marry Governor so-and-so?s daughter,? and just need to blow something up!?

    Wes Janson reached them just then, Corran Horn just a few steps behind. Wes saluted and announced, ?Operation ?kill any survivors? has been successfully completed, sir.?

    Corran clapped a sympathetic hand on Janson?s shoulder. ?Let it all out, Wes. Let it all out.?
    -----------------------------------
    Okay, that post was kind of short, and a kinda in-between-the-plot-of-the-story post, and I apologize!!! I'll try to post again tomorrow!

    -Jedi Master Gimpy
  24. L's angel Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 28, 2000
    star 1
    This is getting real good keep it comming maybe use some more force powers as well, just an idea though.

    "never have i seen an angel fly this low"
  25. Neon Star Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 30, 2000
    star 5
    Pretty cool story! Keep it going.
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