"A Jedi's Redemption" - PLEASE critique my fanfic!!

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by jedi_master_gimpy, Mar 14, 2000.

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  1. Alli-Wan Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    Excellent. Awaiting more. --AWK
  2. Nightowl TFN Timetales Writer

    Member Since:
    Jul 8, 1998
    star 4
    I have been considering creating a full-length (2 to 2 1/2 hour) animated fan film based on the Timothy Zahn novel "Heir to the Empire" using Shockwave Flash. It would be broken into six downloadable parts of about 6 meg each. If successful, film adaptations of "Dark Force Rising" and "The Last Command" would follow. I need to find some talented artists/animators, voice actors, a sound mixer and a skilled musician to provide a soundtrack. Does anybody on this forum know where I can find anyone who would be interested in this?
  3. Happy Ninja Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 20, 2000
    star 6
    I would have to say that this is a Kick Butt idea! Two thumbs way, way up!

    This is definetly the place to find people like that, but I might suggest that you try the miscellaneous forum too. A lot of people read that one, so might have a better chance going on to that one.

    Good luck, and keep us posted!
  4. Gita_Naranek Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Feb 12, 2000
    I'm not sure about the legalities of that. It's not the same as creating your own story. You might want to find out before you invest too much time.
  5. Zayn Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Aug 1, 1999
    star 3
    umm... well nothing we do is really legal... I mean GL owns the copy rights on all star wars stuff- even words like light saber are copy righted...

    anyway that's one I'd like to see


  6. Azeem TFN Staff, Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Apr 12, 1999
    star 4
    You have one more problem for Heir to the Empire. Timothy Zahn and whatever publisher also own rights to that story. They could shut you down themselves even though GL doesn't mind. I would highly recommend staying away from copying someone else's material.

    TFN FanFilms
  7. howlrunner22 Moderator Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Oct 24, 1998
    star 5
    And besides, production would take forever!
  8. jedi_master_gimpy Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Thanks, you guys!! And I'll try to keep that in mind, Angel - thanks for the constructive critiscm. Sorry it took me so long to post more, but here it is...

    The first things she was aware of were the sounds. The soft sighing breath of someone sleeping peacefully nearby, a steady dripping, the muffled beeping of machines. She swam through the dream-like waters of unconsciousness, heading towards the light. Now she could feel her body, could smell the stiff, sterilized air and feel the crisp rustling of sheets beneath the weight of her arm. A brief sigh escaped her lips. The haze that surrounded her was so peaceful, it would be so easy to slip back into the darkness?and she remembered.

    Talja?s eyes snapped open and she sat up in bed. Or tried to, but the pain that lanced through her abdomen and made her dizzy forced her to lie back down. Talja shut her eyes and clenched her teeth until the pain subsided. When she felt better she opened them and then slowly turned her head to the side, curious about her surroundings. Her bleary gaze took in the IV needle in her arm ? the source of the dripping noise. Muted beeping came from machines monitoring her life signs. Soft, cool light spilled in from a window, Talja guessed it to be evening.

    A chair had been pulled up beside her bed. Talja craned her neck until the figure lounging in it became visible. She squinted her eyes and the face swam into focus: Daren, sleeping peacefully. Talja smiled as she watched him sleep, a slightly concerned expression etched on his face.

    Talja realized she could really use a trip to the refresher. Remembering her earlier attempt to sit up, Talja slowly rolled onto her stomach and then slid her legs off the side of the bed until she could stand. The room spun on her first attempt to straighten up. Gradually Talja was able to shuffle down the hall to the infirmary?s refresher unit, her IV rolling along behind her, repressing yelps as her bare feet touched the cold floor.

    Talja made use of the refresher unit. As she was washing her hands she glanced in the mirror and did a double take. Was that pale ghost really her? Her usually silky blond hair was limp and tangled. Her face was pale and drawn with a nasty bruise and gash by her right temple from a Massassi warrior?s staff. She splashed cold water onto her face, trying to rub some color into it. Then she examined her wounds.

    Talja carefully unwrapped the bacta-soaked bandage from her forearm. The nasty cut that had been there was now only a bright pink scar line, slowly beginning to fade. Talja put the bandage back on securely and then pulled her infirmary gown to the side to reveal the thick bandage underneath.

    Talja?s eyes narrowed as she unfastened the material and gauze that covered her navel and then studied the wound in the mirror. A long gash ran from just below her ribcage on the right in a curved slash that ended near her left hip. Small, neat stitches were visible, the skin only starting to heal together the right way. Talja replaced the bandage and attempted to run her fingers through her hair a few times before considering it hopeless without a brush.

    Talja shuffled back down the hall to her room, surprised by how tired it made her. She quietly entered her infirmary room again, trying not to wake Daren. Talja crawled into bed, being careful of moving the wrong way. She wasn?t quiet enough, though. Just as she settled herself back onto her pillow, Daren sat up and rubbed his eyes.

    ?You?re awake!? he exclaimed. He leaned forward in the chair, reaching out to grasp her hand eagerly.

    ?Yes, it would appear so,? Talja managed to joke in a weak voice.

    Daren smiled at that, but it wasn?t really funny to either of them, knowing how close it had been.

    Talja cleared her throat to break the uneasy silence. She gestured to the faint light coming through the window. ?Looks like evening. Was I unconscious all afternoon??

    ?You?ve been unconscious since the battle yesterday,? Daren replied.

    Talja was stunned. ?Ye
  9. jedi_master_gimpy Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    And it's revealed....my story does have a plot!
    Talja lifted her arms above her head and stretched, looking at the various Knights milling about the small classroom. She smiled to herself. No pain. One week of rest and relaxation later there was no bandage, no stitches, no pain. //Almost no pain//, Talja thought ruefully as a repairing stomach muscle gave a small twitch as she stretched it.

    Luke Skywalker entered the room and waited for everyone to take their seats. Daren and Jordyn slid onto the bench on either side of Talja; they had been very protective ever since the battle.

    Master Skywalker began without preamble. ?I called you all here to talk about the events of the last week or so. Almost all of you fought in the battle. Three of you did not make it.? The Jedi Master bowed his head for a moment and silence reigned as they remembered their fallen comrades.

    The towheaded Jedi looked up and cleared his throat before continuing. ?Many of you noticed that the attackers bore a strange resemblance to the Massassi. Tionne, our resident historian so to speak,? Luke permitted a small smile, ?has confirmed that they are, in fact, the Massassi.?

    A murmur passed through the crowd of Jedi Knights and the Jedi Master crossed his arms and calmly waited for it to be quiet before continuing. ?For those of you unfamiliar with the history of Yavin IV, the Massassi were natives brought here by Exar Kun in the time of the Sith. Ulic Qel-Droma and Exar Kun, two powerful Jedi, were turned to the dark side through the temptation of two Sith amulets, used to save their lives. Ulic Qel-Droma and Exar Kun became enemies battling each other for power. After one particular fight on the planet Cinnager, the two Sith united their power and the power of the amulets. Kun brought the Massassi here, to Yavin IV. The Sith changed and adapted them to their use and forced them to build all the temples here.?

    Several Jedi gasped at the thought of slaves being forced to build the numerous jungle temples. ?The temples were made for Exar Kun in order to focus his power through the Force,? Luke continued. ?Later on, Ulic Qel-Droma told the Jedi of Kun?s base here and they attacked, destroying the Sith. Kun used the last of his strength along with all the Life Force of the Massassi to transport his own Force presence into one of the temples, killing all the Massassi in the process.?

    ?Many of you were here when, not long ago, we defeated Exar Kun once and for all. Supposedly all the Massassi have been dead for millennia, but recent discoveries show how they?ve survived.? Luke stepped to the side and motioned to someone in the front row. ?I?ll let Commander Wedge Antilles of Rogue Squadron explain.?

    Talja craned her neck to see the famous pilot as he jumped to his feet. Wedge Antilles ran a hand through his unruly dark hair and smiled rather uncertainly. He looked almost?nervous? Talja smiled at the thought of the New Republic hero being queasy speaking in front of a group of Jedi Knights.

    Wedge coughed rather nervously into his hand and then began to speak. ?I?m not much of a speaker or diplomat, in fact I hate diplomatic functions and speeches, which is probably why I?m a pilot and blow things up instead.? A titter ran through the crowd and everyone seemed to relax a little bit, including Wedge. ?So, um, I?ll try to explain this as quickly as possible and let you get back to meditating and moving rocks with your mind and, um, whatever else you Jedi do.?

    ?Over the past week Rogue Squadron has been investigating where the attacking Massassi came from. We?ve discovered five underground bases throughout the jungle.? Gasps went up across the room and Wedge held up his hands in a placating gesture. ?Let me finish. If the entrances hadn?t been standing wide open from when the Massassi left, we never would have found them. What?s more, one of them is someplace several of you have been before and never sensed there was anything there. Luke, um?Master Skywalker seems to think tha
  10. Alli-Wan Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    Very good posts, both of them. You alternate tension and humor well. Sorry I haven't commented sooner. Too much homework. --AWK
  11. jedi_master_gimpy Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    I know the feeling well!! I think teachers try to cram everything in at the end of the semester to make up for how much they slacked off during the rest of the year. And thanks, AW! I try!! (Actually, I've found it's almost impossible for me to write something completely serious)

    Darth Surien stormed through the halls of the Governor?s Palace on Cinnager, his two Massassi bodyguards a few behind. The Sith Master fumed. This was taking too long! The takeover should already be completed.

    Darth Surien strode around the corner and saw St?ral hurrying towards him. The Massassi?s high position was evident by his ornate headdress. ?Is everything taken care of?? Surien growled.

    [Yes, Your Excellence.] St?ral answered. To anyone else it sounded like a series of clicks, growls and other sounds make deep in the throat, a language long forgotten by the rest of the galaxy. [We have disposed of the Governor and his aides. The capital city is completely under our control, as are all the spaceports and communication centers. As per your orders, no one leaves and no unauthorized messages are sent.]

    ?Good,? Surien hissed. Finally, something was going according to plan. Cinnager was effectively his. And soon, the rest of the galaxy would be as well. After he was sure everything was going well with the takeover then the next phase would begin. With the Sith amulet?s power he would awaken many bases at once on dozens of worlds across the galaxy. No one would be able to stop the surprise attacks on Coruscant, Corellia, Bothawui, Kashyyyk, and other major worlds.

    Darth Surien strode into the Governor?s office, his dark robes billowing around him while his bodyguards and St?ral followed a few respectful steps behind. He slammed his fist into the keypad and the ornate door swung open. White marble walls and a tiled floor held a sense of elegance. The large wooden desk was as big as the ego of the Governor it had belonged to, which was massive.

    Just as the Sith lord entered he saw the polished boots of the Governor and his personal guards disappearing through a side door, leaving a slight red trail of blood behind. ?Get maintenance up here to clean that up!? Surien snapped.

    St?ral bowed low. [As you wish, Your Excellence.]

    Surien settled back in the cushy nerf-hide chair and rested his forearms on the desk. Yes, he thought, it would do nicely. ?See that I?m not disturbed,? he ordered. Surien smiled to himself, a slow smile that pulled up the corners of his mouth in a snarl. A week. A week, and it would be time to complete his takeover of the galaxy. But first, to plan an attack that would destroy the Jedi along with the rest of the planets, one they wouldn?t escape this time.


    Talja hurried through the cool halls of the Great Temple with determined strides on the way to Master Skywalker?s quarters. She paused just outside and raised her hand to knock just as a voice called, ?Enter.?

    Talja jumped. //I hate it when he does that!// She fumed as she entered the room. //I can just see my funeral now! ?But why did she die so young?? the master in charge will say, ?She?s only thirty.? ?Yes,? everyone will reply, ?but Master Skywalker scared fifty standard years off her.?// Talja grabbed a seat beside Jordyn, across from Master Skywalker.

    Master Skywalker folded his hands in his lap. ?I called both of you here because I have a mission for you. Actually,? he smiled ruefully. ?A mission for us.?

    Talja leaned forward in her chair, intrigued. ?For us? Will you be accompanying us then, Master Skywalker??

    The Jedi nodded. ?Let me start at the beginning. There has been disturbing evidence that the dark Jedi in question has launched another attack. The planet Cinnager has almost completely cut itself off from the rest of the galaxy. There have been almost no communications from it, and the messages that have been received are very brief. No ships have left in a couple of days. Not to mention a most disturbing
  12. jedi_master_gimpy Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Here's the next part!! Don't everybody post at once, now!

    The jungle morning was as bright and crisp as usual. //The world doesn?t stop turning because not everyone is happy//, Talja observed. She stretched in the frigid air, her jumpsuit already damp from the dew-laden plants.

    Off to the side stood two transports. Rogue Squadron was doing some last checks before blasting off for space to rendezvous with the Destiny for their ride to Cinnager. One of the transports was being loaded for a covert information-gathering mission to Cinnager, the other for an all-out search on Coruscant.

    Talja watched as some of the younger apprentices practiced their Force control as they loaded a few last boxes on her transport. She grew sober at the thought of the grim cargo that shared the hold with the supplies, the three bags of belongings and stasis fields full of - Talja?s thoughts skipped a beat and rushed on. All of it to be transported to grieving families. She would not think about it, about the blue eyes staring up into an equally blue sky. About the white fur, matted with bloo-//Stop it!!// She scolded herself. //Now is not the time nor place for grief.//

    Talja picked up the duffel bag resting against her legs and slowly walked up the transport to deposit the bag just inside the door. She heard the last of the X-wings roar up into the atmosphere as she shuffled up the gangplank. The chilly, metallic transport reminded her too much of the medical machines she had been cooped up with for a week and Talja hurried back outside into the sunlight for as long as possible.

    Talja leaned her shoulder against the rough rocks of the Temple as she watched the jungle come to life. Exotic birds flitted from tree to tree, the far of cries of woolamanders carrying in the faint breeze.
    Talja sighed with contentment. It was so beautiful that she could almost forget the blue eyes- But no, she wouldn?t think about that now.

    Suddenly strong arms pinned her arms to her sides and a voice whispered in her ear, ?BOO!?

    Talja jumped a foot in the air. ?Eeek!? she yelped. When her feet were safely on the ground Talja stomped her right foot down hard on her attacker?s shoe and then whirled to face him, ready to jam an elbow into their stomach if need be ? and saw Daren wincing as he hopped up and down holding his foot.

    ?Ow!? he complained. ?Remind me never to sneak up on you ever again.?

    Talja held a hand to her chest, willing her racing heart to slow. She had been so absorbed in the life around her she hadn?t payed attention to her immediate surroundings. ?Holy Force don?t do that to me!! I swear if you had been Master Skywalker I would have smacked you so hard you wou-? Talja softened as she calmed down, seeing the genuine ?pain? he was
    in. ?Sorry,? she apologized. ?I?m kind of uptight today.?

    ?I noticed,? Daren commented dryly. Then his features relaxed and he slipped an arm around her waist. ?I would be too if I were you,? he confided. Daren shuddered, ?I just
    want to forget about Ryun.?

    Talja snuggled against him. ?So do I.?
    Just then Master Skywalker strode out into the clearing by the Temple, the sunlight gleaming on his straw colored
    hair. ?Everyone be on board and ready to leave in five minutes,? he announced before walking into the transports to see to last minute details.

    Daren turned to Talja. ?Well, I guess this is it,? he said, a touch of sadness entering his voice. ?I?ll see you whenever our mission ends.?

    Talja found herself a little choked up. Daren was such a good friend, and something much more special, too. ?Yeah. With only one of you boys around hopefully I?ll finally have some peace and quiet!? she teased lightly.

    Daren smiled and then sobered, seeming to struggle with his words. ?Talja?when we get back, I need to talk to you. I?ve been thinking a lot lately, about us, and being a Jedi, and a lot of stuff.? He looked into her eyes, and then bent down and kissed her softly.

    Talja wrapped her arms around him and her head was spinning when they broke apart a sh
  13. Alli-Wan Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 1999
    star 3
    So sorry I was MIA. Too much homework. Very good writing. Plot, dialogue, action and emotions all coming along nicely. Awaiting more. --AWK
  14. jedi_master_gimpy Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Hey, Alli-Wan I'm the one who's thanking you just for reading my story fairly regularly!! I really appreciate it!!

    Talja huddled on the floor beside the crumpled body. It was so cold, so very cold. She shivered, wrapping her arms around her knees as her body was wracked with silent sobs, silent tears running down her face.
    ?Why? Why!?? Talja asked the person, incapable of understanding what had happened. ?WHY!?? Now it was a scream, but there was no answer. There never would be.
    Talja reached over and stroked the pale, masculine cheek of one of the people she held most dear in the whole universe. Her voice lowered to a hoarse whisper, ?Why did you have to do it? Why did you have to leave me??

    She could almost pretend he was only asleep, his features relaxed in careless abandon. There was no blood. Lightsabers don?t leave blood. Lightsabers. Lightsabers?

    Lightsabers were the final solution. Talja slowly raised her gaze to take in the other body on the far side of the room. The prone form of what had once been destined to be her dark Master.

    The one she had stabbed. The small scaffolding that was keeping Talja lucid collapsed and she fell, drowning in her memories, forced to relive the past few minutes?

    Talja was running. There. The room. Fighting. Blazing lightsabers. Clashing. Hissing. No, she couldn?t let him get hurt! Helping. Trying to help. She had to save him!

    Destroying the dark man. Soon. Before he can hurt anyone else, before he can hurt that person so close to her. Talja stopped the dark man once and for all. But her friend, her protector was lying on the ground, dying. And it was her that had killed him.


    She snapped back to the?present??sobbing against the cold body. She hadn?t meant to do it. Had she? Talja shook her head confusedly. No! No no no nononononoNO!

    Talja sat up in bed, gasping for air. The sheets from the cramped bunk on board the transport were twisted around her legs in a death grip. //It was only a dream. You?ve never had visions before, why start now?// Talja sucked in breath after breath, slowly bringing her heart rate down from its rapid fluttering. //It was only a dream.// Breathe, don?t forget to breathe. //It was only a nightmare?//
    Sorry it's kinda short

    [This message has been edited by jedi_master_gimpy (edited 04-10-2000).]
  15. jedi_master_gimpy Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Up! Up! Up! Hm...will I get any more readers besides Alli-Wan? (Whom I really appreciate for sticking with my story!)
  16. Maelisaandii Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Feb 3, 2000
    star 2
    Fear not! For I bring glad tidings! Yes, very glad. My wonderful self is reading your story!

    <catches her ego huffily and stuffs it back into its blimb hangar>

    Yeah. Anyways, I'm really liking this (I love stories about Ulic and Exar Kun). And its very well-written. Now I gotta go lock the blimp hangar...
  17. jedi_master_gimpy Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Heheheh *laughs at Maelisaandii's very cute post* Thanks Maelisaandii!! You just made my day! I'll try to have some more up later, k?
  18. mouse2 Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Oct 29, 1999
    star 4
    I'm reading, I swear!

    Please post more. I tend to lurk and not post and I'm sure that there are others that do the same. Don't get discouraged and continue posting!
  19. Maelisaandii Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Feb 3, 2000
    star 2
    Anytime, Master Gimpy, sir! I heartily enjoy making days.
  20. jedi_master_gimpy Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Hey mouse2, s'okay! Thanks for delurking to let me know you're reading it, I really appreciate it!! And I'm reading yours at JN - I LOVE Rela!! Btw Maelisaandii, that's anytime Master Gimpy, ma'am! Here's the next part peeps, and once again thanks a bunch for reading it!!


    ?Are you okay? You?ve been rather quiet lately,? Jordyn observed.

    Talja kept her eyes down on the street so as not to let him see how much she was disturbed. ?I?m fine,? she said with false bravado. ?Just a little tired and worried is all.? //O?Force, will I never get over that nightmare?//

    ?We all are,? Jordyn comforted, although Talja couldn?t be sure if he really believed her or not. They had arrived at Coruscant only hours before and now the three Jedi were making their way to the wherehouse that had been Darth Ryun?s dark academy at one time. ?I hope this goes quickly and we can go back to Yavin soon,? Jordyn said glumly as they walked.

    ?Patience, Jordyn,? Master Skywalker rebuked him. ?A Jedi must always be patient. There is a time for waiting, just as there is a time for acting.?

    ?Is there a time for walking down dirty streets in a poor section of Coruscant looking for an evil Sith lord as well?? Talja asked with a grin.

    Master Skywalker smiled. ?Apparently so.?

    Just then a familiar, dilapidated building came into sight and the two younger Jedi?s paces inevitably slowed. Master Skywalker walked slightly ahead and knocked on the old door.

    There was no answer, and Jordyn slowly wiped at a dust-covered windowpane with the corner of his cloak until he could peer through. ?Looks like the reports were right, and it?s just used for storing things no,? his slightly muffled voice said. ?There?s just a bunch of boxes and crates in there.?

    Master Skywalker nodded. ?I don?t sense anyone in there. Jordyn, do you remember where Ryun used to go whenever he left the building??

    Jordyn furrowed his brow, a look of concentration on his face. ?Ryun used to leave the academy about every other day or so and whenever he came back he would have new orders, from his Master I guess. He was only gone for a short time, so it had to be close by.?

    ?Did you ever see where he went?? Master Skywalker asked, a small touch of urgency underlying the patience in his voice.

    Jordyn closed his eyes, sifting through memories from two long years ago. ?Yes?? he said. ?I went with him once to help carry a package?I?I had to wait outside the door.? He began to speak faster as the memory returned. ?He went down the street to the left and turned right a block or so from here.? Jordyn proceeded to give them a few more directions and then confidently led them to another building in a slightly better neighborhood.

    ?There,? he said with a ring of certainty in his voice. Master Skywalker banged on the metal door.

    There was no answer, and the Jedi Master knocked again. ?I?m comin?, I?m comin?,? came an annoyed voice from inside. ?Hold your banthas.? The door creaked open and an elderly human stuck his head out the door. ?Whada?ya want?? he croaked out in a rough, cracked voice.

    ?I?m Lucas Ski and these are my associates,? Master Skywalker said, waving a hand in Talja and Jordyn? general direction. Talja gawked at her Master; he wasn?t exactly the kind of person to go around under an assumed name. ?We would like to inquire about someone who used to stay here.?

    The man rubbed a hand across his eyes and took a closer look at them. ?One of my old tenants, heh? You folks don?t look too bad, guess it won?t cause no harm.? The man grasped Master Skywalker?s hand in his grubby one and pumped it up and down vigorously. ?Rik Lorien.? He opened the door a little wider and ushered them down a dingy, poorly lit hall to a small kitchens/sitting room combined. He turned abruptly and shook a dirty finger in Master Skywalker?s face. ?But no trouble, you hear? Any questions I don?t like and you?re outta here,? he fingered the blaster strapped to his rather ample waist. ?One way or another.?

    Talja was surpris
  21. jedi_master_gimpy Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
  22. jedi_master_gimpy Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    As promised, I have decided to give everyone another post in my attempt to slowly catch up to where I am on the other sight. Here ya go!

    //Whoever thinks worry isn?t logical is wrong.// Talja thought to herself remorsefully. She could write a very logical math equation of how her worry grew in a manner directly proportional to the closer they got to Cinnager. Talja stared glumly at the star lines shooting by the cockpit windows. The terrible feeling of foreboding she had experienced ever since her nightmare was getting worse and worse and seemed to be centered around the planet itself.

    Talja couldn?t get it out of her mind. She kept trying to convince herself that it was just a nightmare, but it had a ring of truth to it. There was still the possibility that it was a vision of the future?Talja shivered. Would she really be the one to kill him in the end? It didn?t seem possible that she could d-

    An insistent beeping from the board in front of her yanked Talja from her thoughts. ?Master Skywalker, Jordyn, we?re coming up on Cinnager.? A sleepy Jordyn walked in yawning, a completely different picture from the composed Jedi Master.

    ?How long until reversion to realspace?? Master Skywalker asked alertly.

    ?Thirty seconds,? Talja replied after checking the chrono on the board, once again the picture of perfect concentration and dedication now that she had something else to concentrate on. A few long seconds ticked by in the silent cockpit, Talja forcing her mind not to wander. Then the clock hit zero, and she slowly eased the lever back as the star lines broke up into separate pinpricks of light in the darkness of space.

    Below them in space was Cinnager, a brown and blue planet hanging in front of them. To the right in their viewport the cruiser Destiny could be seen. ?We?re being hailed,? Talja reported, flicking the comm unit to life.

    ?Attention shuttle, please state your business at Cinnager,? came a gruff voice.

    ?This is Luke Skywalker in command of the shuttle Yavin. Is there anyway I can talk to commander Antilles??

    ?Just a second sir?? the voice was suddenly very business like. ?I?m connecting you now.?

    The distracted voice of Wedge Antilles came over the comm unit. ?Luke? Is that you??

    ?Wedge!? Luke grinned like a schoolboy. Then he remembered his company and instantly composed himself. ?Commander Antilles, how are things going on this end??

    ?Not very good,? Wedge said tiredly. ?Right now I?m talking with Captain Onaki, in charge of the Destiny.

    ?It?s nice to hear from you, Master Skywalker,? the Mon Calamari?s gravelly voice echoed in the cockpit of the Yavin.

    ?And you as well, Captain Onaki. What?s wrong, Wedge??

    ?That?s what we?re discussing, Luke. Your group of Jedi has been on the planet?s surface for about a day now. We?ve kept Rogue Squadron up here until they?re needed. Unfortunately, the Jedi were supposed to check a number of hours ago but all communications from the planet are being jammed. Captain Onaki and I just decided to send Rogue Squadron along with a transport of troops down to take a look at things. Does your arrival here mean what I think it does??

    ?If you mean that we traced the Sith lord to Cinnager, then yes it does,? Luke replied.

    ?Sithspawn! Well, at least we know who we?re up against to some extent.? Wedge said grimly. ?Someone very dangerous.?

    Luke thought for a moment. ?Let us land and give us three days before Rogue Squadron and the troops come in. It will be easier for us to find the Sith lord if he?s not expecting it.?

    ?I agree,? Wedge said. ?As long as you save some of the action for us.?
  23. Maelisaandii Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Feb 3, 2000
    star 2
    Coolness, Master Gimpy ma'am! Did I get it right, hmmm?
  24. jedi_master_gimpy Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Omigosh! My story sprouted another page!! Let's celebrate! *an Ewok village, bonfire, and stormtrooper-helmet-drums mysteriously appear as the party begins*

    Yep, Maelisaandii, you got it right! *tries to unwrap a baby Ewok from her knee* No problem, I've done that before, too! Sometimes it's really hard to tell!
  25. Y.O.D.A. Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Jul 13, 1999
    VERY GOOD, JEDI MASTER GIMPY! I'm saving it all to my computer.

    ::Saves 'A Jedi's Redemption' to his computer::


    ::Tosses a Mudball at Jedi Master Gimpy's face whilst running away and laughing his arse off::


    ~Jedi Master Y.O.D.A.
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