Before - Legends A Mission Alone. (KOTOR) Constructive Criticism Wanted. First Fic.

Title: A mission alone
Genre: Action/Adventure, possibly romance
Era: Few years after the destruction of the Star Forge
Characters: Revan LS, Bastila, Jolee, Carth, T3, HK and most of the KOTOR crew as well as a few other characters.
Disclaimer: All these characters belong to George Lucas or are registered Star Wars characters from the EU. However there may be a few of my OC?s at a later date.
Note: This is my first fic, and therefore I may post the second part a lot later, when I have experience, but hopeful it will be ASAP.

Chapter 1

?Hey, wake up kid? shouted a rather moody Jolee. Revan?s eyes opened slowly and for a moment it looked as if Jolee was a cross between a small rancor and a large bith. Revan rather tipsily attempted to stand up, he failed however and hit the bed like a slab of rock.

?You ok, kid? said Jolee, with a humiliating tone in his voice.
?I?ll be fine, thanks. Where?s Bastila?

?Well, your wife was rather annoyed with you this morning, if I remember correctly you told her, you, would collect the supplies from Dantooines Best Shop, and it looks as if you?ve revoked your word?

?Oh? Revan said with a touch of guilt. ?I think I?ll go and find her now, I think we need to talk?

Revan stood up successfully this time and made his way to the cargo hold to change, as he walked in he seen Zaalbar practicing swift, elegant movements with Bacca?s Sword.

?Looking good? whispered Revan, as he strode past Zaalbar to pick up his brown robe.
?Rarrr-ra-hha-ahhh? Zaalbar bellowed trying to keep a hold of his breath; he began to swing the sword from side to side once again.
?Zaalbar, if you wanted to I could teach you one or two lightsaber forms, perhaps form II Makashi, since it?s meant for sword against sword, and since you won?t be deflecting blaster bolts I suggest that as a place to start.

?Urrahhh-Rahhhh-ah-Rahhh? roared Zaalbar in a higher than usual pitch.
?Well it?s entirely up to you?

With that sorted Revan regained a smile, muffled up his robe to suit his posture, attached his green lightsaber to his belt and with a burst of speed headed to the large entrance of the Ebon Hawk.

He was about to leave when he spotted HK, hiding behind his swoop bike taking cover and shooting at the wall. How immature, Revan thought. He then decided to act on his thoughts.
?HK? do you think you could calm down a bit, there may be some action later, for now if you wish shoot use some of the remotes for practice?

?Apologetic: Sorry, Master. I will try to control my lust for blaster fire. In the meantime is there anything you would have me do?

?Yes, please HK, could you pleasego and help Carth and Jolee sort out the hyperdrive and try and mend T3 if you have time?

?Nonsense: Master, do those ?Meatbags? really need my assistance??

?YES? Revan said with emphasize. With that HK walked towards the Hyperdrive room and Revan continued on, off the Hawk.

 

Good first attempt. Keep em'coming!

 

Thanks. That was just kinda opening the story. The next chapter will be much more descriptive, on the plains of Dantooine and more characters will be introduced

 

that was a good start! it was a bit short, but it worked well as an intro!
i enjoyed the humor that was evident from the beginning when jolee woke him up and you said he looked like a cross between a small rancor and a large bith.
you pulled of zaalbar talking without translating his roars, which is a tricky thing to do. generally authors put wookie text translated in brackets, but i liked the way you did it. it gives it more of a movie feel, not getting his speech put into english.
i look forward to seeing where this goes! if you could pm me when you update i would appreciate it!