A New Hope-Humorous Version

ROTFLMAO!! The scene with the thesaurus was great! Funniest thing I've ever read!!

 

I'm with Purp.

 

TOP.

 

EXT. SPACE

(Imperious BOWTIES race toward the DEADLY STAR.)

INT. DEADLY STAR-DETENTION CELL

(Princess Lee is playingwith her Barbie dolls, when suddenly, Darth Vacuous enters, followed by a black machine. Considering Darth Vacuous IS a black machine, maybe
there was a better way of saying that.)

VAC: And now, your Highness, we shall dialogue about the whereabouts of your secret hidden Rebel hideout.

LEE: You will never make me talk!

(A stomptrooper grabs one of her feet and straps it to a little table extended from the robot.)

VAC: Oh yes, you will. We have ways of making you chat.

{A feather extends to Lee's foot, and starts tickling it.)

LEE: You should - he he - know that - ha - hehe - I would - hoohoohoo - never - ha-ha-ha - consciously - tee-hee-hee - wooh-hah-hah - betray the - wah-hoo - oh stop - ha - re - re - re - re - hoo-hoo - bell - hahahahoooo - ion - ooh - please stop - ha ha - he....

(Vacuous makes a gesture with him fingers, stepping foward. Lee starts gasping.)

VAC: I find your lack of-

TROOP#2: Oh, please, not again.

(With that, Vac starts choking troop#2)

TROOP#3: Enough of this! Vac, release him!

(Vac starts choking troop#3

Now, with Vac trying to choke three people at once, Han Solo enters, blaster drawn.)

HAN: Now you can't block my blaster bolts or pull my gun away!

(Han is suddenly staring into the nozzle of Greedo's blaster.)

GREEDO: Oota Goota, Solo?

HAN: What the hell did you just say?

STUDY: Hold on, people, one scene at a time, one movie at a time! You'll all get your chances!

GL: I'm with study.

(Anyway, next scene.)

 

Did you guys die on me?

 

EXT, Waistlands of Patooee

Marcus and Been-There throw bodies of Javas onto bonfire. every so often, one of the Java gets up and runs off screaming.

MARCUS: I want to come with you to All-Drained. I want to get drunk and hit on Pricess Lee.

Whack

BEEN-THERE: What did I tell you about leaving your twin sister alone?

Whack

Voice of YOGURT: Not yet, I told you!

BEEN-THERE: (mumbling) Freakin muppet...

EXTERIOR, PATOOEE,

Long shot of speeder with BEEN-THERE, MARCUS and droids. Speeder glides past camera from left to right, a few moments later, the speeder glides past, right to left. Everyone in speeder is gesticulating wildly.

 

EXT PATOOEE, MARCUS and BEEN-THERE stand on bluff overlooking city.

BEEN-THERE: MOST EASY Spaceport... You'll never find a higher concentration of cross-dressers and drag queens in the galaxy. We must be cautious.

MARCUS: Why?

Whack

 

A Street in MOST EASY, MARCUS' speeder is stopped by a STOMPTROOPER.

STOMPTROOPER: Let me see your identification.

BEEN-THERE: <makes small gesture with hand> You don't need to see his identification.

STOMPTROOPER: I...don't need to look at your ID card.

BEEN-THERE: <irritated> These aren't the droids you're looking for.

STOMPTROOPER: uh, we know these aren't the droids.

BEEN-THERE: <getting really angry> He can go about his business.

STOMPTROOPER: Um, uh...

BEEN-THERE pulls script out from under the speeders dashboard and throws it at STOMPTROOPER.

BEEN-THERE: This has got to be the simplest acting job you will EVER have!! All you have to do is repeat after me!

GL: OK, OK, take it easy.

STOMPTROOPER: <reading script> You can go about your business, MOVE ALONG!

Speeder pulls away, BEEN-THERE muttering.

 

EXT, MARCUS AND BEEN-THERE CLIMB OUT OF SPEEDER IN FRONT OF OLD CANTINA

MARCUS: Do you really think we will find a pilot to take us to All-Drained?

BEEN-THERE: Most of the best freighter pilots come here.

MARCUS: How do you know?

Whack

BEEN-THERE: Do I need to throw the script at you too? <calms down> Only, watch your step, this place can be a little ... rough.

MARCUS, BEEN-THERE, and the droids walk into cantina. As the crowd in cantina sees them, they start howling and blowing wolf whistles. As camera pans crowd, there are many different humans and aliens, some in outlandish dresses. A drag queen is on a small stage crooning a song. He/she winks at MARCUS and BEEN-THERE as they walk in.

 

Sorry, maybe I should not have watched VELVET GOLDMINE right before sitting down to the computer. <Hangs head> I couldn't help it.

 

INT : PUB

WOOOH-HOOOO: Hey. Your Droids. You'll have to leave them outside.

[MARCUS approaches bar]

MARCUS : Uh.... Warm milk please

WOOOH-HOOOO: You want what?

[Marcus realises this is a cantina and decides to order something a little more.... dangerous]

MARCUS : Uh... one of those fruit cocktails with an umbrella in it?

[Woooh-Hoooo turns around, muttering to himself. Meanwhile, Marcus has attracted the attention of some rather unsavoury characters]

NOSE-MAN : Hey, watch it.

[the whole bar goes silent]

NOSE-MAN : He doesn't like you

ENTIRE BAR [chorus]: HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU

NOSE-MAN : I don't like you either

ENTIRE BAR : [chorus]WE DON'T LIKE YOU EITHER
_____________________________________
okay?

 

I don't have any ideas right now. Is anyone gonna help or not?

Helllooooooo?

 

Oh, fine. If I must, I must.


NOSE MAN: I suggest you watch yourself!
We're wanted men. Well, at least a man and some kind of alien, but we're wanted!
I have the death sentence in 12 systems.

MARCUS: Yawn. I'm tired. I have a booger collection. Want one?

NOSE MAN: Arrrgh!

(Pushes MARCUS into a stack of crates.)

BEEN: Sorry, but I can't let you do this.

(Takes out brightsabre. Slices both criminals in half.)

BEEN: (sighs.)

 

BEEN-THERE pulls MARCUS to his feet and points to Cookie Monster

BEEN-THERE: Nebbacca here is first mate on a ship that may suit us.

MARCUS follows BEEN-THERE and the Cookie to a booth where HANDS OFF waits.

HANDS: Hands Off. I'm captain of the Millennium Bug. Nibbles here says that you are looking for passage to All-Drained.

BEEN-THERE: Indeed, if it's a reliable ship.

HANDS: Reliable? You've never heard of the Millennium Bug?

BEEN-THERE: Yes, but perhaps under a different context...

HANDS: Well, she's reliable enough for you old man. What's the cargo?

BEEN-THERE: Only passengers. Myself, the boy, two droids, and no questions asked.

HANDS: Some kind of local trouble?

Whack

BEEN-THERE: I said no questions asked.

 

Mooooo'n on up...
Mooooo'n on up...

 

(To all contributors): (WHACK) Come on people, we need some more fanfic around here!!!

 

Hey, don't stop! Must have more humorous ANH...please, WHACK!!!




[This message has been edited by My-lon Ginn (edited 08-22-1999).]

 

Been so busy on the Jedi Academy Dorms thread, that I haven't pulled up my ANH script to look over it.

 

OB-EWAN: Lets just say we'd like to avoid playing twister with the Imperiouses....

HANDS: Now thats a real trick, and its gonna cost you a little extra....10 thousand, all in advance!!!

OB-EWAN (pleasantly surprised): Great, I have 20 thousand republic dactaries!

WHACK!

SPIRIT OF LI-GON: thats not going to work young padawan....(shakes head sadly)

OB-EWAN: (exasperated) when are you going to quit calling me padawan!!! Yoga knighted me 32 years ago after I did a better job polishing off that Smith Lord than you did!!!

MARCUS (impatienly): If we can get back to the buisness at hand...

WHACK!
WHACK!

MARCUS cowers from the double whack from LI-GON and OB-EWAN...

SPIRIT OF LI-GON: (to MARCUS) Silence!!! I will not tolerate your insolence!!! If it werent for YOUR daddy no one would be in this mess right now!!!

WHACK!!!(fed-exed from Dayglobah)

YOGA'S VOICE: Down, Li-Gon...the time for this it is not....

SPIRIT OF LI-GON: Very well, Master, back to the boredom of the after life I go....(fades)

 

OB-EWAN: We can pay you 2000 now, plus 15 when we reach AllDrained

HANDS: Seventeen thousand, huh?

OB-EWAN: No, I meant 2015 total....

NIBBLES: (growls in warning)

OB-EWAN: ok, ok seventeen thousand it is...

MARCUS: seventeen thousand! we could almost buy our own ship for that!

WHACK!

HANDS: but who's gonna fly it kid? you?

MARCUS: you bet i could! i'm not such a bad pilot myself, you know....

NIBBLES: (laughs in cookiespeak)

MARCUS: whats so funny hairball???

HANDS: nibbles says he's seen you fly and that paper airplanes and model rockets dont count.

MARCUS, turning red in the face with anger and embarassment, forms a circle with his thumb and middle finger, narrowing his eyes in concentration.
HANDS: (choking) ok, ok...dont be so sensitive...

OB-EWAN: Vader-er- Marcus! release him!

MARCUS complies, but sulks.

WHACK!

OB-EWAN: stop your G.D. whining! I think we can afford this pilots terms. (to HANDS) we just need to go get the 2 thousand together. How soon can we be going.

HANDS: soon as your ready, docking bay 94.

OB-EWAN: 94.

HANDS: (notices stomptroopers infiltrating cantina) Looks like someones taking an interest in your handiwork old man....

[This message has been edited by anfpt315 (edited 08-22-1999).]

[This message has been edited by anfpt315 (edited 08-22-1999).]

 

i hope someone is still reading this...i want to know if any one thinks it is any good...
if so i have an idea for a *SMALL* item at the beginning of the saber duel with ob-ewan and darth vacuous (sp?)

 

(One lone voice crying out ... hopefully one of many) ... "I'm reading it!"

It's very funny stuff!! To the top.

 

"Stay on target."

Come on, guys! This thread is great; we need more. MORE Ob-Ewan! More Whacks! More interesting little comments from characters appearing in the past/future. *g*

 

CANTINA SCENE

HANDS: Well looks like someone beginning to take an interest in your handiwork.

STORMTROOPES IS SEEN WALKING TOWARDS THE DIRECTION OF OUR HEROES. THE TROOPERS WALK PAST HANDS AND NIBBLES WHILE OUR HEROIC VERMIN SMUGGLERS GIVE THEM A LOOK LIKE " YOU CAN MOVE YOUR A** ALONG,TOO"

HANDS: Seventeen thousand, those poor *******s must really be desperate.. this could really save my neck... get back to the ship and get her ready.

NIBBLES WALKS OUT THE CANTINA AND AS HANDS STARTS TO LEAVE , HIS ARCH NEMESIS, GREEDY YO, STEPS TO THE PLATE

GREEDY YO( Translated from huttese): Yo, mutha****a, whats up? you didnt think you leaving my lonely a** without kissin me good bye, now was you?

HANDS: Naw, Greedy yo, I just going to see your boss...Tell pizza that i got his money.

GREEDY YO: What did you say..?

HANDS: I was just going to see your boss...

WHACK

GREEDY YO( As he points the blaster in hands face): Let me tell you something, human flesh excrement, I dont have a boss. I have a freelance employer, you got me,you pizza loving bootlicker...

HANDS( Wiping off the blood from his mouth where he had gotton pimp slapped): Yeah Greedy yo, whatever man, you got this one.

GREEDY YO: I thought so beeatch. Anyway if you give me the money I might forget that I even saw you..

HANDS: C'mon, son, dont get at me like that dog, i dont have it with me, tell Pizza...

UNBEKNOWIST TO GREEDY YO, THAT HANDS IS REACHING FOR HIS BLASTER ON THE LOW

GREEDY YO: ***k all that, Pizza dont be having no time for people and their bulls** excuses. Punk a** wanna be smugglers who drops their shipment at the first sign of trouble..

HANDS( While cooly pulling the blaster from his holster): Even I get borded sometimes. You think i have a choice..

GREEDY YO: Tell that lame excuse to Pizza, He may only take you ship..

HANDS: Over my dead body

GREEDY YO: Thats the idea. ***t,You would be better off trying to spread some love,not war/ cause war is some thing Pizza has been waiting for..
I tell you this, I ve been waiting for this moment for a long time

HANDS( With his blaster under the table pointing dead at Greedy yo): Yes, I bet you have

GREEDY YO: Any last words besides requesting me to tell your momma to get out her black dress and make all the necessary arraignments ?
HANDS: Yeah, Only that when you get to hell, tell the devil that Hands sent you...

KAAAAABLOOOOM

GREEDY YO DROP DEAD FACE FIRST ON THE THE TABLE WITH SMOKE COMING OUT OF HIS BACK

HANDS SLOWLY GETS UP THE OTHER CUSTOMERS IN THE CANTINA NOT REALL GIVING A CRAP, BUT ONLY CURIOUS ABOUT HOW THE POOR ******* CAUGHT IT.
hE WALKS PAST THE BARTENDER AND THROWS SOME MONEY IN HIS DIRECTION

HANDS: Sorry about the mess..

BARTENDER: Who was that ?

HANDS: An employee I had to let go.

So speaks the General....

 

EXT. SPACE-
(Several BOWTIES approach the DEADLY STAR (again.))

INT. DEADLY STAR -- CONTROL ROOM

VAC: Her resistance to the mind probe was considerable.

Whack

VAC: Hey!

TARPIN: We already knew that.

OILY: Ha-Ha!

Whack

(An Imperious officer interrupts the meeting.)

OFFICER: The final check-out is complete. All systems are operational. What course shall we set?

TARPIN: Perhaps she would respond to an alternative form of persuasion.

VAC: Taking her Barbies away?

TARPIN: No, I've got a better idea. I think it is time we demonstrate the full power of this station. Set your course for All-Drained.

TROOPER: With pleasure!

VAC: What are we going to do when we get there?

TARPIN: Well, if she doesn't tell us where her base is, we'll blow it up.

VAC: Wait a minute! I thought that superlaser would be used for mining and urban renewal!

Whack

TARPIN: You're really beginning to try my patience. Go clean out the kitchen and you can go home.

VAC: YIPPPEEE!

(turns and runs down the hall, excited)

TARPIN: He just wasn't ever cut out to be a Sith Lord. (Sighs.)