A New Hope-Humorous Version

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by study3600, Jul 22, 1999.

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  1. Scruff Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 25, 1999
    star 4
    Now that you mention it, I doubt there is an online script for the SW-HS. It'd be too tedious to watch the tape enough times to do it right, but I'm game if anyone else is. If anyone wants a copy of the tape let me know.
  2. Purp Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 19, 1999
    star 1
    INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

    Hands and Chunky are sitting at the controls, starting up the engines.

    HANDS: I hope the old man got that tractor beam out of commission, or this is going to be a real short trip. Okay, hit it!

    Chunky pulls back on a lever. The Fountain lurches violently, but doesn't move.

    HANDS: Feels like we're stuck... hang on, I'm gonna check it out.

    INT. DEADLY STAR - MAIN FORWARD BAY

    Hands runs out of the ship and checks the landing gear. There is a big yellow piece of metal attached to one of the pads with the words, "Property of Deadly Star County Sheriff's Department." Right next to it is an expired parking meter.

    HANDS: Crap, they booted my ship!

    INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

    Chunky is still looking around nervously as Hands comes back in.

    HANDS: Did you take care of those parking tickets like I told you to?

    Chunky cringes.

    HANDS: Damnit, Chunky! Oh, screw the boot, we're leaving.

    He throws full power to the engines. The ship rocks, but still doesn't move. Lee enters the cockpit.

    LEE: You know, the ship doesn't go anywhere if you don't put it in gear!

    HANDS: It is in gear! They put a boot on it.

    LEE: Oh, great. This rescue just keeps getting better and better.

    INT. DEADLY STAR - MAIN FORWARD BAY

    With a loud screech, the landing strut rips in half. The Fountain shoots out of the hangar bay, leaving a piece of landing gear still stuck to the floor.

    EXT. SPACE

    The Millenium Fountain flies away, leaving the Deadly Star behind.

    INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - MAIN HOLD AREA

    Marcus is sitting at the chess board, staring blankly into space. Lee walks over and sits down next to him.

    MARCUS: I can't believe he's gone.

    LEE: There's nothing you could have done. I'm sure he wouldn't blame you.

    BEEN: (v.o.) Don't bet on it.

    Lee looks up sharply.

    LEE: Did you hear something?

    INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

    Hands and Chunky spot incoming ships.

    HANDS: Coming up on their sentries. Hold 'em off, I'm gonna start up the main guns.

    He reaches under his seat and pulls out a stack of quarters.

    INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - MAIN HOLD AREA

    Hands rushes in, pausing to hand Marcus a handful of quarters.

    HANDS: Come on buddy, we're not out of this yet.

    INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - GUNPORTS

    Marcus and Hands climb into the two gun turrets. They each put a quarter in the slot, and the guns power up.

    LEE: (over comm) Here they come!

    Four BOWTIE fighters streak past the Fountain, firing laser bolts. Hands and Marcus return fire. Hands hits one of the fighters, which explodes spectacularly.

    Marcus tries to shoot one BOWTIE fighter that suddenly dips below his firing field. Unfortunately, Marcus keeps trying to track it and pumps several rounds into the Fountain.

    LEE: We just lost the lateral stabilizers!

    HANDS: What happened?

    MARCUS: Uh... they got us.

    Marcus' gun suddenly goes dead. He puts in another quarter, and it powers back up.

    LEE: There are still two more of them out there!

    HANDS: But I've only got one quarter left!

    The BOWTIE fighters come back in for another pass. Marcus manages to get one this time.

    MARCUS: I got him! I got him!

    INT. BOWTIE FIGHTER - COCKPIT

    The remaining BOWTIE pilot is lining up for another attack run. The Fountain is badly weakened, and this pass will finish it off.

    VACUOUS: (over comm) Wait! Hold your fire, pilot.

    PILOT: Uh... sir?

    VACUOUS: We want them to escape, so we can find their base. Don't kill them.

    Return fire from the pirate ship is starting to get dangerously close.

    PILOT: Sir, couldn't I just retreat?

    VACUOUS: No, it has to look realistic. Let them kill you.

    PILOT: Can't I at least eject?

    VACUOUS: Just follow orders, numbnuts.

    PILOT: Oh, f-

    EXT. SPACE

    Fire from the Fountain catches the last fighter, which explodes in a brilliant display of light.

    INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - GUNPORTS

    HANDS: We did it!

    Everyone cheers, and Hands and Marcus climb down out of the gunports. (Hands pausing to enter his initials for the new high score)

    INT. DEADLY STAR - CONTROL ROOM

    Tarpin is gazing at a huge viewscreen as Darth Vacuous enters.

    TARP
  3. darthcleo Administrator Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Feb 8, 2000
    star 4
  4. Purp Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 19, 1999
    star 1
    <<Just a quick question: who is this Tes, and why are we ignoring her? >>

    INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

    Hands is pulling off his gloves, smiling. Lee is sitting next to him in the cockpit.

    HANDS: Not bad, huh? Like to see somebody beat that high score.

    LEE: Oh, please. They let us go. It's the only explanation for the ease of our escape.

    HANDS: Easy? You call that easy?

    LEE: Remember the stomptroopers in the hangar?

    HANDS: Well, uh... maybe they were just new recruits.

    LEE: And the pilot who stayed in your sights for nearly half a minute?

    HANDS: Well... ok, so maybe it was a little easy! But what's the point? They can't be tracking us, we'd pick up the signal from the homing beacon.

    LEE: I still say they're tracking us. At least the information in Artoo is intact.

    HANDS: What's so important? What's he carrying?

    LEE: The technical readouts of that battle station! We can only hope they left a glaring design error that will allow us to destroy the entire station with one well-placed proton torpedo.

    HANDS: You don't get out much, do you? Look, I just spent five bucks on those gun turrets. I expect to be reimbursed.

    LEE: Fine. If money's all you care about, that's all that you'll recieve.

    She gets up to leave as Marcus is entering.

    LEE: Your friend there is quite a mercenary. I wonder if he really cares about anything... or anybody.

    MARCUS: I'm sorry he upset you, your highness. Perhaps I could... comfort you.

    He winks at Lee and licks his lips. Two audience members are so disgusted they begin projectile vomiting.

    LEE: Get lost, pervert.

    She walks out. Marcus walks over and sits down next to Hands.

    MARCUS: She wants me.

    HANDS: How terrible. I'm certain there are self-help books designed for her.

    MARCUS: You think a princess and a guy like me could...

    BEEN: (v.o.) NO!

    MARCUS: Well, screw you!

    HANDS: What? I didn't say anything!

    EXT. SPACE AROUND THE FOURTH MOON OF YAVIN

    The battered pirate ship flies towards the fourth moon of Yavin, a nearly invisible line of fishing wire trailing behind it.

    INT. MASSASSI TEMPLE - MAIN HANGAR DECK

    Marcus, Hands, and Lee are greeted by the rebellious commander, Willard.

    WILLARD: Thank god you're safe! When we heard about All-drained, we feared the wo- hey, what's that attached to your bumper?

    They all look at the Fountain's bumper, where a passing Rebeller has become tangled up in fishing wire.

    HANDS: Uh... nothing.

    Meanwhile, two Rebelling techs have attached a cord to Artoo and are downloading the data onto a portable datapad.

    LEE: You must use the data in this Artoo unit to plan your attack. We haven't much time.

    TECH: Uh, commander? We have a problem.

    He hands the datapad to Willard.

    WILLARD: (reading) Half a pound of ground beef, two jars of salsa, extra spicy... what the hell is this?

    Lee grabs the datapad and scans it. Her faces brightens.

    LEE: Hey, this is the Organa secret family recipe for nachos! I've been looking all over for this thing!

    WILLARD: But where are the Deadly Star plans?

    There is a long pause as everyone stares at Lee.

    LEE: ...oops?

    WILLARD: Oh, great! What next?!

    TECH: Uh, sir?

    WILLARD: What?

    TECH: The Deadly Star just entered the system, sir.

    WILLARD: F***!!

    Everyone turns to glare at Lee, who smiles nervously.

    LEE: Anybody feel up for some nachos?

    [This message has been edited by Purp (edited 02-28-2000).]
  5. Darth Vacuous Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 29, 1999
    star 1
    INT. DEADLY STAR - CONTROL ROOM

    VACUOUS: ...and then there was this clarinet player in the third row....

    TARPIN: Damn, man, I wish I'd gone to your high school!

    VACUOUS: Eh, you probably wouldn't have had any better luck with the chicks than I did.

    TARPIN: But didn't you end up marrying Queen Am--

    Whack

    TARPIN: Oh yeah. Right. Have to mess up continuity as much as possible in this episode.

    The comlink buzzes.

    TARPIN: Yes?

    DEADLY STAR INTERCOM VOICE (nice short name, innit?): We are approaching the planet Yavin. The Rebel base is on a moon on the far side of the planet. We are preparing to orbit the planet.

    Pause.

    TARPIN: Didn't they teach you about coordinating conjunctions in school?

    INT. WAR ROOM BRIEFING AREA AND BREAKFAST NOOK - REBEL BASE

    Dodonna stands before a large electronic wall display, conspicuously blank. The room is filled with pilots, navigators, and astropop droids, all enjoying nachos.

    FIRST PILOT: These are some damn good nachos. Taste like they're made with three or four kinds of cheese.

    SECOND PILOT: That's impossible, even for a computer.

    FIRST PILOT: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

    DODONNA: At this point, we had intended to brief you on the mission to be flown against the Deadly Star, aided by the technical readouts brought to us in the droid.

    Pause.

    DODONNA: Well, since Her High and Mighty Eminence of a B!tch over there f***ed up, we have no idea how in the hell you're going to pull this one off. Just get out there and start shooting, maybe you'll get lucky. Christ, I should have stayed in bed this morning. Damn kids.

    He notices everyone staring at him.

    DODONNA: Er. Man your ships! And may the Force be with you!

    [This message has been edited by Darth Vacuous (edited 02-28-2000).]
  6. The Musical Jedi Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 13, 1999
    star 5
    *rotflmao* This is hilarious!! I would also like to commend the original writers of TPM!!! You guys are great!!!
  7. Purp Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 19, 1999
    star 1
    EXT. SPACE

    The Deadly Star nears Yavin 4.

    INT. DEADLY STAR

    Tarpin and Vacuous are still sitting around in front of the viewscreen.

    VACUOUS: ...so I open the car door, and she's in there with the drummer!

    TARPIN: No! Oh, that's low, man. So what'd you do?

    VACUOUS: Well, I--

    DEADLY STAR INTERCOMM VOICE: Orbiting the planet at maximum velocity. The moon with the Rebel Base will be in range in thirty minutes.

    VACUOUS: One more person interrupts me in the middle of a story, I'm gonna have to get Dark Side on them.

    TARPIN: Vac, just chill man. Think calm blue ocean.

    Vacuous is massaging his helmet lightly with two fingers.

    VACUOUS: (muttering) Calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean...

    TARPIN: So... didja kill 'em?

    VACUOUS: Well, the drummer, sure. He was always a half-beat off anyway. Force-lifted him out of the car and demonstrated why you should never stand too close to an active lightsabre.

    TARPIN: (leaning forward eagerly) F***in' A. What about the girl?

    VACUOUS: I just wiped a few selected memories and picked up where the little drummer boy left off.

    TARPIN: (leaning farther forward even more eagerly) Where was that?

    Vacuous smiles under his helmet.

    VACUOUS: Not too far....

    The comlink buzzes.

    VACUOUS: DAMMIT!!!

    Lightsabre blazing, Vacuous heads for the communications room.

    VACUOUS: THIS IS GONNA BE A DAY LONG REMEMBERED!!!

    <<side note: the changes to this scene were suggested by Darth Vacuous. Of course, now I have to kill him.>>

    [This message has been edited by Purp (edited 02-29-2000).]
  8. Scruff Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 25, 1999
    star 4
    tes was supposed to read "test". An Admin was fixing a problem with the thread. Sorry I haven't contributed in awhile-the creative juices just aint flowing. Rest of you-good job.
  9. Darth Vacuous Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 29, 1999
    star 1
    INT. REBEL BASE - MAIN HANGAR

    Hands ignores the frantic preparations of the fighter pilots, as he's fixated on the reward envelope.

    MARCUS: You got your reward and now you're just leaving?

    HANDS: . . . so? I've got some old debts I gotta pay off, and this (holds up the envelope) is going to come in really handy.

    Hands lustfully draws the check from the envelope.

    HANDS: Here it comes . . . feast your eyes on this, kid.

    Pause.

    HANDS: FIVE BUCKS?!?!

    MARCUS: Covers your expenses, doesn't it?

    HANDS: Friggin' cheapskates!

    MARCUS: Hey, Hands . . . since the Deadly Star is coming and we're all about to die a pointless death and all . . . you think maybe I could come with you?

    HANDS: Hell no!

    MARCUS: C'mon! Attacking that battle station isn't my idea of courage. More like suicide!

    HANDS: Yeah, sucks to be you. Bye.

    MARCUS: All right. Well, take care of yourself, Hands. I guess that's what you're best at, isn't it?

    HANDS: Damn straight.

    Marcus turns to go.

    HANDS: Hey, Marcus . . . one word: Plastics.
  10. Purp Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 19, 1999
    star 1
    INT. MAIN HANGAR DECK - MARCUS' SHIP

    MAN'S VOICE: All pilots to your stations. All pilots to your stations.

    Marcus walks over to his fighter, where Lee is standing.

    LEE: What's wrong?

    MARCUS: (starts sobbing) I don't wanna die!

    Lee grabs Marcus' shirt and slaps him a couple times.

    LEE: Hey! HEY! Now listen up! You're gonna go up there, and you're gonna die like a man! You hear me!

    MARCUS: (sniffing) Yes... it's just... I wish Been was here!

    BEEN: (v.o.) I'm right behind you!

    Marcus spins around, startled.

    MARCUS: Where?!

    BEEN: (v.o.) No, over here! No, not there, here!

    Marcus keeps spinning around, eventually getting dizzy and falling down. We can hear Been's ghostly voice laughing his transparent blue @ss off.

    INT. REBELLIOUS HANGAR DECK

    Marcus is staggering towards his ship, still dizzy. Another pilot runs up and grabs his arm.

    BIC: Marcus! I don't believe it! How'd you get here?!

    A black cat runs in front of Bic.

    MARCUS: Bic! I'm gonna be up there with you! Man, have I got some stories for you.

    Bic walks underneath a ladder as Red Leader walks up.

    RED LEADER: You're Streetwalker, right? You checked out in a T-65?

    BIC: Sir, I'd be glad to vouch for Marcus.

    Red Leader reaches into a pouch and pulls out some papers. As he does so, something else comes out of his pouch and shatters on the ground.

    RED LEADER: Oh, my mirror... here, sign these.

    Bic signs the papers.

    RED LEADER: While we're at it, you still need to sign your life insurance.

    He hands Bic some more papers. Bic starts to sign them, then shakes his pen.

    BIC: Huh. Must have run out of ink. Oh well, I'll sign them when I get back.

    MARCUS: Hey Bic, you still working on that conspiracy theory of yours?

    BIC: That's right, Marcus. In fact, I found the evidence I've been looking for.

    MARCUS: You mean you can prove once and for all that Senator Palpatine and Darth Sidious were the same person?

    BIC: That's right. I've got the evidence right here in my pocket.

    MARCUS: You think you should leave it down here?

    BIC: Come on, Marcus. I'm in a starfighter. What could go wrong?

    MARCUS: Yeah, I guess you're right.
  11. CaptainArdiff Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 26, 1999
    star 4
    Damn, guys! This is so good I'm nigh on falling off the chair!

    MTFBWY
  12. GENERAL RIKKAN Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 28, 1999
    star 1
    In a seperate scence in the Slain Jedi Knight afterlife pub.....

    BEEN-THERE is sitting at the bar, sipping on spectral gin and juice and talking to another historical figue in the world of Star Wars

    BEEN: So y'know baby, I was always thinking about that....what was the deal between you and that little twept slave boy... was it because he was blond haired, or was it because he had a big,long, d...

    SUDDENLY, THE SOUND OF A LOUD VOICE, TRYIN TO CLEAR ITS THROAT INTERRUPTS BEEN IN MID-SENTENCE, BEEN TURNS AROUND TO FIND...

    LI-GON'S GHOST : So, Obi-Ewan, this is where you spend most of your time. In case you haven't been ( no pun intended ) aware, your wanna be padawan is now engaging the deadly star in battle.

    BEEN ( While sipping on his drink some more, as two more slave girls come up and start rubbing up behind him ): So ? I've done my bid for king and country..He's a big boy, now. He can take care of himself.

    LI-GON'S GHOST : But you must continue to show him the path to enlightenment. he still needs your guidence.

    BEEN : Oh, I see. hmmmm, well, I needed your guidence, but all I got from you for the last forty years was the same corny lines you've repeated from TPM.

    LI-GON'S GHOST : Are you going to keep blaming me for lines from a movie that I didnt write ? I mean, really ? I didnt have any control over that !

    BEEN: Well, I know one thing. i'm glad you're not my father. I would never burden my son with such esoteric crap....

    LI-GON'S GHOST: You should be very proud of your son, he gives without any thought of reward....

    BEEN : See!!! there you go again....

    LI-GON'S GHOST ( with a shocked look on his face): WHAT ?!!! I didnt say anything.....

    BEEN ( Wiping his face in disgust ): Listen, Li-Gon, I appreciate the friendly mentor to student visit...but guess what ? I'm dead now. And I'm very happy to be in this state. I got a drink in my hand, two fine ladies by my side and jawing with another, I no longer care about the mis-adventures of a whinning perverted farm boy and his near sighted dimwitted smuggler friends...And you know it to be true...

    LI-GON'S GHOST : From your point of view...

    BEEN LOOKS AT HIS TEACHER SUPICIOUSLY AND CONTINUES TO TALK...

    BEEN: The boy is a whinning little scardy cat pervert, you should have heard him in the hanger just a few minutes ago, crying like a little b***h.." I dont wanna die !" "Oh,god hands, please take me with you !! " Wheres that famous Skywalker backbone, thats supposed to have been passed on from his father...

    LI-GON'S GHOST : He's not dangerous ! His future's uncertain, but hes not dangerous. The council will decide Marcus' future, that should be enough for you...now get on board !

    BEEN: Uhhhh, Li-Gon?... You're doing it again.

    LI-GON'S GHOST( Looking up and round the pub ): No I'm not...

    BEEN: Whatever ! Listen, I'm not going to bother with him or you so if you will excuse me,( turning to one of the slave girls and smiles broadly )I have some unfinished business to attend to..

    LI-GON'S GHOST : A well conceived plan..but there's great risk....

    BEEN ( Now throughly annoyed ): Okay, Li-Gon, since tryin to talk to you is like F***in walking through the deserts of Tatooine naked ( doesnt make no sense ), I figured on doing you a big favor...I'll continue to help Marcus through his difficulties on one condition...

    LI-GON'S GHOST : What is your condition , my young padawan ?

    BEEN : That you will cease and desist all actions regarding tryin to offer me advice of ANY kind and never, eeeeeeeverrrrrrrr, pop up on me unexpectedly again... okay ? does this sounds good to you ?

    LI-GON'S GHOST( Frowning and mumbling a curse under his breath ): Okay, Obi-Ewan, you got this one.

    BEEN THANKS HIS LATE MASTER AND GIVES THE TWO LADIES BY HIS SIDE A KISS. HE GULPS DOWN THE REST OF HIS DRINK AND WALKS PAST LI-GON IN WHICH HE SOON STARTS TO DISAPPEAR..

    LI-GON IS STANDING STILL AS THE TWO LADIES CONTINUE TO LOOK AT HIM LIKE A TOTAL RETARD....

    THE LATE SLAIN JEDI MASTER TURNS BACK TO THE SPOT WHERE BEEN DISAPPEAR FROM....

    LI-GON'S GHOST : The ability to speak does not make
  13. Purp Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 19, 1999
    star 1
    Double post. Haven't had one of these in a while.

    [This message has been edited by Purp (edited 03-02-2000).]
  14. Purp Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 19, 1999
    star 1
    As Marcus is climbing up into his beat-up starfighter, the crew chief points to Artoo, who is being loaded into a socket in the back of the craft.

    CHIEF: This Artoo unit of yours looks a little beat-up. You want a new one?

    MARCUS: Are you kidding? This is the most beloved character in the whole trilogy!

    He climbs into the cockpit.

    MARCUS: You ready, Artoo?

    Artoo beeps and whistles as usual, but an electronic voice comes from a speaker in the cockpit.

    ARTOO: Gee, let me think. I'm sitting in the back of an outdated, underpowered, dangerously cheap piece of crap with a farmboy who's never flown before and was sobbing a few minutes ago as my pilot. Yeah, I'm just peachy, thanks for asking.

    MARCUS: Wait a minute, since when can you talk?

    ARTOO: It's called a translator, you back-water hick. Droid's not much good if the pilot can't understand it, wouldn't you think?

    MARCUS: You're... mean.

    ARTOO: Well, duh. Didn't you ever hear all the crap I gave Stinky-O?

    MARCUS: Yeah, but when he had to repeat it, it seemed more... cute.

    ARTOO: So you picked me because I'm cute? Oh yeah, you got the killer spirit. You're gonna do great up there.

    MARCUS: Hey, can I get another droid?

    CHIEF: Sorry, time for launch.

    MARCUS: But I changed my mind--

    He is cut off as his canopy closes. All around the hangar, X-Wings begin to lift off.

    EXT. MASSASSI OUTPOST - JUNGLE

    Paradise. Birds and other small animals flit and flutter about, overseen by a beautiful rainbow. The silence is shattered as a series of Rebellious X-Wings roars through the scene, sucking birds into their intakes and scorching the grass with their engines.

    INT. MASSASSI OUTPOST - WAR ROOM

    Lee and several other Rebellious types are gathered around a display.

    MASSASSI INTERCOM VOICE: Standby alert. Deadly Star approaching. Estimated time to firing range, fifteen minutes.

    Lee holds up a platter.

    LEE: More nachos, anyone?

    EXT. SPACE

    The Rebel X-Wings move past the camera, towards the Deadly Star. Close-up shots reveal that duct tape covers most of the fighters, and one of the fighter's canopies has been replaced with the driver's side door from a '89 Dodge Civic.

    RED LEADER: All wings report in.

    RED TEN: Red Ten, standing by.

    RED SEVEN: Red Seven, standing by.

    BIC: Red Three, standing by.

    RED SIX: Red Six, standing by.

    RED NINE: Red Nine, standing by.

    RED ELEVEN: Red Eleven, standing by.

    MARCUS: Red Five, chickening out and leaving.

    RED LEADER: Get back here, Streetwalker!

    MARCUS: Sorry.

    Pause.

    RED LEADER: Wedge?

    WEDGE: What?

    RED LEADER: You need to check in.

    WEDGE: Oh, right.

    Pause.

    RED LEADER: You're number two, Wedge.

    WEDGE: Red Two, standing by.

    RED LEADER: Lock s-foils in attack position.

    The wings on the starfighters separate, making them look like X's. At least, in theory. Half the fighter's wings get stuck, and several pilots are forced to open their windows and pry them apart manually.

    RED LEADER: We're passing through the magnetic field!

    WEDGE: Are you sure? I get no readings.

    Groans from various cockpits.

    BIC: Wedge, you have to turn on your sensors first.

    WEDGE: Oh, right. (he gasps as the Deadly Star appears on his computer screen) Look at the size of that thing!

    RED LEADER: Oh, for pete's sake. Red Two, accelerate to attack speed. You're gonna lead our attack. Cut across the axis and try to draw their fire.

    Pause.

    RED LEADER: Just speed up and start shooting at the big metal thing!

    WEDGE: Copy that.

    [This message has been edited by Purp (edited 03-15-2000).]
  15. Purp Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 19, 1999
    star 1
    Another double post. It's a conspiracy, I tells ya.

    [This message has been edited by Purp (edited 03-02-2000).]
  16. Purp Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 19, 1999
    star 1
    EXT. SPACE

    The Rebel X-Wings dive towards the massive Deadly Star.

    EXT. DEADLY STAR SURFACE

    Huge turbolaser emplacements track the incoming fighters and begin firing. Huge laserbolts fill the air.

    Wedge's fighter streaks across the Deadly Star, rolling and dodging to nimbly avoid all the turbolaser fire. Using precise bursts, he takes out turbolaser emplacements with deadly accuracy.

    WEDGE: Heavy fire, boss! Coming in from fortyteen degrees.

    Pause.

    MARCUS: This guy ain't that bright, is he?

    BIC: Yeah, he's a moron, but he sure can fly.

    WEDGE: Momma always said stupid is as stupid does.

    RED LEADER: Cut the chatter.

    WEDGE: Sorry, Lieutenant Dan.

    RED LEADER: And stop calling me that!

    Marcus suddenly puts his X-Wing into a dive, heading straight for the Deadly Star.

    MARCUS: This is Red Five, I'm going in!

    Laserbolts streak from Marcus' weapons, creating huge fireballs on the surface.

    ARTOO: Hey farmboy.

    MARCUS: What?

    ARTOO: Gee, how do I put this... PULL UP!

    Marcus suddenly realizes he's heading right for the fireball he's just created.

    MARCUS: Crap!

    Unable to pull up in time, he flies into the fireball, and emerges from the other side, slightly singed.

    BIC: Marcus, you okay?

    MARCUS: I got a little cooked, but I'm okay.

    ARTOO: A little cooked?! Next fireball, you come out here and I'll sit in the cockpit. Then we'll see how you like it!

    MARCUS: Would you please shut up?

    ARTOO: You don't like my company? Eject.

    INT. DEADLY STAR - HALLWAY

    There is confusion and chaos in the Deadly Star. Darth Vacuous strides down the hall, a beacon of calm. As he passes the crewers, they all start snickering at the KICK ME sign that's still taped to his cape. One officer rushes up to Vacuous.

    OFFICER: We count thirty Rebellious ships, my lord. But they're so small they're evading our turbolasers!

    VACUOUS: We'll have to destroy them ship to ship. How many fighters do we have?

    OFFICER: About 12,485, my lord.

    VACUOUS: Excellent. Get the crews to their ships.

    The officer, who had begun to walk away, suddenly stops.

    OFFICER: Crews?

    VACUOUS: Yeah. You know, pilots? We do have pilots, right?

    OFFICER: Well, after you made that one pilot sacrifice himself, the union has been demanding better working conditions. The pilots are all on strike.

    Vacuous rubs his helmet in frustration.

    VACUOUS: What next?

    A passing crewman sees the KICK ME sign and is unable to resist. He kicks Darth Vacuous, who whirls about, his brightsabre ignited. The crewman goes pale.

    CREWMAN: Uh... it was him!

    He points at a nearby stomptrooper.

    TROOPER: What? ...AUGH!

    The unfortunate stomptrooper is... well, let's just say he's half the man he used to be.

    [This message has been edited by Purp (edited 03-03-2000).]
  17. Scruff Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 25, 1999
    star 4
  18. Jaya Solo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 12, 1999
    star 5
    <laughs uncontrollably> I'm so glad I found this again. Keep posting!
  19. DarthDVD!!!! Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 16, 2000
    star 1
    plz plz finish it plz.....

    DarthDVD!!!!
  20. Purp Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 19, 1999
    star 1
    <<Sorry about the delay, guys. Spring break is always fun, but I have virtually no computer time. I also seemed to have misplaced my copy of the annoted screenplay, so forgive me if the scenes get a little out of order.>>

    EXT. SPACE

    An extrememly obese man played by Mike Myers is wedged tightly into an X-Wing cockpit. He tries to pull up, but his arms are pinned against the sides of the cockpit and he can't pull the stick back far enough.

    FAT B@STARD: I gotta' problem 'ere.

    BIC: (muttering) Yeah, a heart problem.

    Everyone snickers over the comm.

    FAT B@STARD: No, I'm nay jokin'! There's somethin' wrong with me X-Wing!

    MARCUS: Too small? Maybe the cleaners shrunk it.

    More snickers.

    FAT B@STARD: Dammit, I'm serious! I'm a losin' it!

    RED LEADER: Whatever he's losing, it sure isn't weight.

    Louder snickers from the other pilots.

    FAT B@STARD: I knew I shouldn't a' trusted that salesman. "Oh, yousa be likin' dis here fighter. Itsa one size fits all!" Damn glubglub.

    His X-Wing plows into the Deadly Star and explodes.

    INT. MASSASSI TEMPLE - REBELLIOUS CONTROL ROOM

    One of the radar controllers is eating nachos over his screen, dropping crumbs all over it. Lee looks up from the next batch of nachos she has warming in the microwave.

    LEE: Hey, how are things going up there?

    The controller looks down and his screen and nearly chokes when he sees all the crumbs.

    CONTROLLER: Oh my god, they're everywhere! Red squadron, they're all over you!

    WEDGE: (over comm) My scopes are negative, I don't see a thing!

    RED LEADER: (muttering) What a surprise. (louder) Pick up your visual scanning.

    Pause.

    MARCUS: Uh... I don't see anything either.

    BIC: Me either.

    RED LEADER: Are you sure about this, control?

    The controller looks closer at his scopes, then blushes and wipes off the crumbs.

    CONTROLLER: My mistake. There's only three of them.

    RED LEADER: Three?

    Loud explosion over the comm.

    WEDGE: (excited) I see one! I saw it first! I saw it first!

    The controller looks down as his instruments beep. A look of confusion crosses his face.

    CONTROLLER: Uh, Red Leader, are you targeting Red Two?

    RED LEADER: Wouldn't you?

    LEGIONS OF WEDGE FANS: NO! You can't kill Wedge, he's the only fighter pilot to live through all three movies!

    RED LEADER: What?! You mean I'm gonna...

    LEGIONS OF WEDGE FANS: Yep.

    RED LEADER: Well... what about my fans? Where are they?

    Silence.

    RED LEADER: Anyone?

    A cricket chirps.

    RED LEADER: (muttering) "Join the Rebellion," they said. "See the galaxy!" they said. Shoulda known better.

    [This message has been edited by Purp (edited 03-15-2000).]
  21. General Cargin Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 15, 1999
    star 4
    Please sir, can I have some more?
  22. Purp Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 19, 1999
    star 1
    Actually, does anyone know if there is an online version of the Star Wars scripts? It's looking more and more likely that I took my copy home for Spring break and left it there.
  23. DarthDVD!!!! Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 16, 2000
    star 1
  24. DarthDVD!!!! Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 16, 2000
    star 1
    um......

    TO THE TOP WITH YOU!!!!

    DarthDVD!!!
  25. epic Ex Mod / RSA

    Member Since:
    Jul 4, 1999
    star 7
    Heh Heh. Funny thread, dis!
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