A New Hope-Humorous Version

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by study3600, Jul 22, 1999.

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  1. Scruff Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 25, 1999
    star 4
    almost done,...the stuff with Wedge was hilarious.
  2. Miana Kenobi Admin Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Apr 5, 2000
    star 8
    Hey guys, this is too funny. Keep it up.
  3. DarthDVD!!!! Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 16, 2000
    star 1
    um i think there's a copy in http://www.theforce.net/multimedia http://www.theforce.net/multimedia
  4. Purp Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 19, 1999
    star 1
    <<Woo-hoo! Found it! >>

    MARCUS: Bic, you've picked one up! Watch it!

    BIC: I can't see him!

    Laserfire shoots past Bic's fighter.

    BIC: Oh, never mind. There he is.

    MARCUS: I'll be right there.

    Marcus slips into firing position behind the BOWTIE fighter. It is directly in his sights.

    ARTOO: MISS!

    Marcus jerks, and his shot goes wide. Artoo starts laughing.

    ARTOO: Made you miss!

    MARCUS: What the hell did you do that for?!

    ARTOO: I'm bored. I'd pick my nose, but I don't have any hands.

    The entire audience goes "Ewwww..."

    MARCUS: I am so wiping your memory when we get back.

    INT. DEADLY STAR

    Darth Vacuous strides purposely down the hall and stops in front of two men putting on BOWTIE pilot suits.

    VACUOUS: Several fighters have broken off from the main group. Follow me!

    PILOT 1: Uh, sir? Uh, hi, I'm Bob, I usually work down in accounting, but my manager just ran up to me and said they needed pilots or something, and since I wasn't really doing anything, I said fine, and he said-

    VACUOUS: What's your point?

    PILOT 1: Well, we were just wondering, uh, do we get hazard pay for this?

    VACUOUS: Uh... sure.

    PILOT 2: I've actually already finished my shift, so would this count as overtime?

    VACUOUS: Yeah, whatever.

    PILOT 1: Oh, should we use our regular time cards, or should we check with the office to get Flight Division time car-

    VACUOUS: Just get in the f***ing ships already!

    EXT. SPACE

    BIC: Marcus, pull in!

    WEDGE: Watch your back, Marcus!

    Marcus spots the BOWTIE fighter trailing him. He tries to pull away, but the BOWTIE fighter fires, scoring a minor hit on Marcus' X-Wing.

    ARTOO: Woah! This ain't good.

    MARCUS: I'm hit, but not bad. Artoo, see what you can do with it.

    ARTOO: What the hell am I supposed to do, beep at it?

    MARCUS: Can't you... you know, weld it or something?

    ARTOO: Are you kidding? These Rebel fighters are made of nothing but Kleenex and spit.

    MARCUS: Well then spit on it!

    <<That's all I got for now. Hopefully more later.>>
  5. Jaya Solo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 12, 1999
    star 5
    Woo-Hoo! A new post! Yay! Keep them up!
  6. Yoda's Twin Sister Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 22, 2000
    star 1
    *gets ready to knock this thread back to the top of the forum*

    Whack!

    much better. now c'mon, someone keep this story going!
  7. Purp Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 19, 1999
    star 1
    RED LEADER: Red Six, can you see Red Five?

    RED TEN: There's a heavy fire zone on this side. Red Five, where are you?

    MARCUS: I can't shake him!

    INT MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

    Hands is grinning from ear to ear.

    HANDS: Yahoo!

    EXT. SPACE

    The Fountain fires, taking out the fighter trailing Marcus.

    HANDS: You're all clear, kid. Now let's blow this thing and go home!

    GL: CUT! Damn it, Hands, you came in too early!

    HANDS: What?

    GL: You weren't supposed to come in until later! Now you've ruined the surprise ending!

    Hands whips out his script and peers closely at it. With a quick glance to make sure no one's watching, he pulls out his glasses and puts them on.

    HANDS: Aw, nuts. Sorry.

    GL: Get the hell out of here!

    The Fountain flies away.

    GL: Okay, let's pick it up with the Y-Wing attack run.

    GOLD LEADER: Red Leader, this is Gold Leader. We are starting our attack run.

    Several Y-Wings peel off towards a sign labeled "Exhaust Port exit 1/2 mile. Right lane must exit."
  8. Wedge33 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 18, 2000
    star 1
    Hey, I'm in the last stages of completing a fan film, it's the Highlander/Star Wars film, "Ascension," mentioned in a previous post. Anyway, I'm running into the problem that my files are WAY too big. I've heard Media Cleaner is a good program for video compression, but my wallet isn't exactly overflowing right now. Does anyone know of any free or shareware programs that will do really good compression from AVI format into something else? I seriously need help with this. Our release date is this Friday (the 21st) and I've got to get these file sizes down! Thanks for any help.
  9. Miana Kenobi Admin Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Apr 5, 2000
    star 8
    Right lane must exit?!?! lOL loL LOL!!!!!
  10. jedi_furiated Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Aug 11, 1999
    Depending on how big your original file size is, you could bring it down to a reasonable file size. The only low cost solution (if you want to go with Quicktime) is to get the Quicktime Pro upgrade for $24.95. (Save yourself the hassle. After all, you want to get your film up by Friday. It comes with a stripped down version of the Sorenson codec)

    The only other thing that I could think of is the Xing MPEG encoder trial ( http://www.xingtech.com) which will convert your AVI's to the MPEG format. You get great compression, but the downside is that the quality isn't always top notch.

    Apparently, Media Cleaner does sell a EZ version for $99... (Maybe Azeem can fill us in on this one. Has anyone used it?) Personally, I think they should have a full 30 day trial version that people can try out before spilling $999 for the real thing. (Yeah, they have a crippleware trial version but that only allows you to output for 30 seconds with a ridiculous logo that says something like "Made with Media Cleaner Pro")



    [This message has been edited by jedi_furiated (edited 04-18-2000).]
  11. GENERAL RIKKAN Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 28, 1999
    star 1
    OUTER SPACE BATTLE SCENE:


    GOLD LEADER, ALONG WITH THREE Y-WING FIGHTERS, STARTS HIS ATTACK RUN INTO THE TRENCHES OF THE DEADLY STAR:

    MEANWHILE PRINCESS LEE, AND THE OTHER LOW LEVEL MINIONS GAZE INTO THE LARGE PANAVISION THX-1138 CERTIFIED 44'INCH MONITOR. SHE BENDS OVER TO PICK UP SOME MORE NACHOS AS THE OTHER ROYAL LACKEYS START TO OGLE HER REAR END..

    RED LEADER ( Voice over the cockpit ): I copy gold leader, just haul a** to the exhaust port, we'll try to hold these guys here !

    THREE TIE FIGHTERS WITH DARTH VACUOUS IN HOT PURSUIT IS CLOSING IN ON OUR HEROES...

    VACUOUS: Okay you morons, lets go over this one last time... stay in attack formation... not in defense formation. Remember...you are the pimps in this battle... these rebel scums are your hoes... you must , I repeat, you must layeth the smacketh downeth on these rooty pooty, fresh and fruity, tender roni, phony a** jabronies....is that understood ?!

    ALL THE PILOTS : YES , SIR !!!!

    VACUOUS: Aiight, lets show these punks the power of the darkside.... ( While he rolls his tongue ) IF YOU SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOWWWW .... WHAT THE " VAC" ...IS..COOKIN !


    BACK TO THE BATTLE IN THE TRENCHES:


    RED LEADER: The exhaust port is...

    GOLD LEADER : ...Marked and locked in.

    THE THREE Y-WING SPEEDS DOWN THE TRENCHES


    GOLD LEADER: Switch all available power to front deflector screens

    PILOTS VOICE: G**dammit !! Sir ....I don't have no deflector screens !

    GOLD LEADER AND THE OTHER PILOT START TO LAUGH HYSTERICALLY

    GOLD LEADER: Gold two , are you kidding me ? You have no deflector screens at all ?

    PILOT ( Gold Two is sounding very nervous over the comlink ): Hey man, I wouldn't kid you about a thing like this, now c'mon....I need some help here !

    GOLD LEADER : ( while still snickering under his breath ) Alright, Gold Two...I'll see what I can do...by the way, how many guns do you see up there...Gold Five... Gold five ? HEY GOLD FIVE ?!!


    GOLD FIVE OVER THE COMLINK IS HEARD WAKING UP FROM HIS LOUD SNORING.....


    LAZY A** GOLD FIVE: Ahem !! sorry, sir...I must have dozed off for a second...wont happen again!

    GOLD LEADER: How may guns do you see ?....

    LAZY A** GOLD FIVE : Huh?... whats that ?

    GOLD LEADER ( yelling into the comlink, with a pissed off look ) : How many guns do you see ?... Gold Five ?....

    THE SOUNDS OF GOLD FIVE SNORING IS HEARD LOUD INTO THE COMLINK OF GOLD LEADER...

    GOLD LEADER : I swear, Gold Two, I'm gonna throw him under the stockade when we get back to base.

    GOLD TWO : Uhhhh, sir ? I don't mean to be a pain in your a**, but, how do you know if we're gonna live through this mission, or not ?

    GOLD LEADER : Relax number two... we're Gold Fighters. We are the experts at this sort of thing...C'mon, what could possibly go wrong?....I don't mean to sound like I'm a cold hearted bas***d, but, I betcha we'll last longer than those newcomers, Wedge and Marcus..huh ?

    GOLD TWO : Yeah, sir ... you're absolutely right ! What the hell was I thinking ?


    INSIDE THE REBEL SCUM BASE

    VOICE OVER LOUDSPEAKER : Deadly Star will be in range to blow your sorry @sses into oblivion in exactly five minutes !....Thank you.. and have a pleasant flight !


    MEANWHILE BACK IN THE TRENCHES :


    GOLD LEADER : Switch to targeting computer... ( while giggling ) Hey Gold Two...you at least have that don't you ?

    GOLD TWO: ( speaking with the voice of Arnold Swarzenagger, from the movie The Terminator ) **** you, A**hole !..... Hey?! The Guns...they stopped ! Gold Five ?! what the hell is going on up there ?!!

    LAZY A** GOLD FIVE ( Sounding like hes waking up again ) : Stabilize...."snort, snort " rear.....deflectors...

    GOLD TWO ( Sounding really nervous ): Wait a minute ! I don't have any deflectors...hey Gold Leader ?... where is my deflectors you was supposed to get me ?!

    GOLD LEADER : You **** outta luck, pal...there's nothing I can do...they're coming in, three marks and two tens !!!

    GOLD TWO ( Panicking and crying like a little biznitch ) : Oh God, deliver me from this terrible evil.... Please...I'm too sexy to die !

    GOLD LEADER STARTS TO SING A SONG : I
  12. Azeem TFN Staff, Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Apr 12, 1999
    star 4
    I have only used the full version of Media Cleaner Pro and on the macintosh. QuickTime Pro is a good alternative but also check out our compression tutorial under Filmmaking - Post-Production. There are a couple of websites that really explain compression and the codecs.

    Azeem
    TFN FanFilms
  13. Purp Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 19, 1999
    star 1
    INT. DEADLY STAR - CONTROL ROOM

    A nervous officer walks up to Tarpin, who is setting up a table for what looks like a party.

    OFFICER: We've analyzed their attack, sir, and there is a danger. Should I have your ship standing by?

    TARPIN: What? Hey, do me a favor, would you? Set these forks out (he hands the officer a fistful of forks) and put out the namecards. Don't put me next to Vacuous, I get sick watching him eat.

    OFFICER: But sir, the Rebels attacking the station-

    TARPIN: I don't have time for that! The guests are going to start arriving any minute to watch the Rebel base blow up, and everything has to be ready!

    INTERCOM VOICE: Rebel base, three minutes and closing.

    TARPIN: ****! I still have to do my hair!

    EXT. SPACE - DEADLY STAR

    RED LEADER: Red boys, this is Red Leader. Rendezvous at mark six point one.

    DAGNABIT: (over headset) Red Leader, this is Base One. Keep half your group out of range for the next run.

    RED LEADER: Next run? Are you kidding? We're not attacking, we're getting the hell out of here!

    Whack

    RED LEADER: Ow!

    LEE: (over headset) Now you listen to me, you little twerp! You're gonna blow up that Deadly Star, you're gonna be a hero, or I'm gonnna come up there and kick your @ss!

    RED LEADER: (mumbling) Yes, ma'am.

    The other pilots snicker.

    RED LEADER: Marcus, take Red Two and Three. Hold up here and wait for my signal to start your attack run.

    BIC AND WEDGE: HIM!?

    MARCUS: ME?! What do you mean, me?!

    BIC: He just joined the squadron ten minutes ago, and you're putting him in charge?! Why?!

    RED LEADER: Because it's in the script.

    Red Leader and two other X-Wings peel off and head down to the trench.

    RED LEADER: This is it!

    Whack

    RED LEADER: Ow!

    RIC OILY: Ha ha!

    The three X-Wings zoom down the trench, evading dozens of turbolaser blasts from mounted guns.

    RED TEN: We should be able to see it by now.

    Suddenly the guns stop firing.

    RED LEADER: Keep your eyes open for those fighters.

    RED TEN: There's too much interference. Red Five, can you see them from where you are?

    MARCUS: Yeah.

    RED TEN: What?! Why didn't you say so? Where are they?

    MARCUS: Right behind you.

    Red Ten is incinerated by Darth Vacuous' laserfire.

    RED LEADER: Almost there!

    ARTOO: Hey Marcus. Why don't you just get behind the BOWTIE fighters and shoot them down?

    MARCUS: Well, because... um... because...

    ARTOO: Yes?

    MARCUS: It's a... it's a human thing. I can't explain it.

    ARTOO: Bull****.

    MARCUS: No, seriously, I, uh-

    RED LEADER: It's away!

    Marcus looks down just in time to see Red Leader's proton torpedoes go directly into the exhaust port.

    MARCUS: Holy crap, he did it!

    INT. DEADLY STAR - CONTROL ROOM

    Tarpin is standing in his best dress uniform, welcoming the guests.

    TARPIN: Yes, wonderful to see you again, Admiral. You're just in time.

    ADMIRAL: So what do you have planned for us?

    TARPIN: Well, we watch the Rebel base blow up, maybe go blow up a few more planets to tighten our stranglehold on the surrounding systems, have a light dinner, and then maybe charades.

    ADMIRAL: Well, sounds like you've got quite a party planned.

    A officer rushes into the room screaming at the top of his lungs.

    OFFICER: HE HIT IT! HE HIT IT! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

    He dives into the corner and curls up into a fetal position. After a few seconds, it dawns on him that the station hasn't blown up.

    TARPIN: Are you quite done?

    OFFICER: But... but he hit the exhaust port.

    TARPIN: Do you really think we'd leave such a glaring weakness in this battlestation? How dumb do you think we are? The building inspector caught that two months ago.

    OFFICER: You mean... we're not going to die?

    TARPIN: Of course not. We moved the reactor to a safe location. One where no one will ever find it.

    EXT. SPACE

    BIC: So... now what?

    MARCUS: I dunno.

    BEEN: (v.o.) Use the Force, Marcus.

    MARCUS: What the?! Who said that?

    BEEN: (v.o.) Use the g*ddamn Force already!!

    MARCUS: (mumbling) Yes, sir.

    Wedge and Bic snicker.

    MARCUS: Okay, so I have to use the Force. No problem. I can do that.

    ARTOO: Yeah, right.

    MARCUS: Really! I just hav
  14. Purp Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 19, 1999
    star 1
    WEDGE: You did it!

    Everyone cheers over the comm.

    BIC: I knew we could do it! Didn't I tell you? We're two shooting stars that ain't never gonna be stopped!

    A shadow falls over Bic's fighter.

    BIC: What the-

    INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

    Hands is grinning from ear to ear.

    HANDS: Yahoo!

    EXT. SPACE

    The Fountain fires, blasting Bic's X-Wing to pieces.

    HANDS: You're all clear, kid! Now let's blow this thing and go home!

    MARCUS: Hands!! What the hell is wrong with you!?!

    HANDS: What are you talking about? I just shot that fighter off your back.

    MARCUS: THAT WAS MY CHILDHOOD FRIEND!!

    A pause. A very, very, long pause.

    HANDS: (weakly) Oh.

    MARCUS: DAMMNIT! Why aren't you wearing your glasses?!

    HANDS: Well- I- that is...

    MARCUS: And in case you didn't notice, we already blew up the Deadly Star!

    HANDS: Uh... sorry?

    INT. MASSASSI TEMPLE - HANGAR

    Marcus and the others have landed and are getting out of their fighters. Everyone is rushing up to greet them.

    MARCUS: Carrie! I mean, Lee!

    She runs up and throws her arms around him. Marcus is about to make the best of this opportunity when a sudden surge of crewmen seperate the two. (they've seen RotJ) Hands runs up and flings his arms open. Everyone just stares at him.

    HANDS: Well, isn't anybody going to thank me?

    LEE: Why the hell should we? You showed up too late and killed his best friend.

    HANDS: Yeah, but... I came back. You know, there's more to me than money, and all that?

    Everyone simply stares. Hands looks embarrassed.

    HANDS: Okay, fine. I came back because I forgot Chunky. There, you happy now?

    INT. MASSASSI TEMPLE - MAIN THRONE ROOM

    Hundreds of soldiers line the vast throne room in perfect formation. Marcus enters at the back of the room.

    ANNOUNCER: For destroying the Deadly Star and saving our base, you are being presented with the highest honor we can give. Step forward to recieve your reward.

    Marcus walks proudly to the end of the room, where Princess Lee awaits. She has an ornate medal, which she hangs from Marcus' neck. Lee then gestures at the guards near the door. They shove in Hands, naked and blindfolded.

    ANNOUNCER: For killing one of our pilots and generally just being a jerk, you are being presented with the highest dishonor we can give. Step forward to recieve your award.

    All of the soldiers lined along the path pull out paddles. The guards shove Hands forward, and all the soldiers start whacking at him as he passes.

    HANDS: Augh! Stop it! That hurts!

    Marcus and Lee smile at each other. Artoo beeps something cute, and everyone starts laughing.

    HANDS: OW! Why the hell are you laughing at me? This isn't funny!

    Iris out, with Hands' pained screams mingling with cheerful laughter.

    THE END
  15. DarthDVD!!!! Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 16, 2000
    star 1
    At last its fin....
    it was/is great....
    now for esb....
    DarthDVD!!!
  16. Purp Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 19, 1999
    star 1
    Phew! All done!

    Don't worry, DarthDVD, ESB is coming up. I just want to have a chance to catch my breath before starting on the next one.

    Now that it's finished, do you think you could give me some feedback? (all of you, not just DarthDVD) You know, what worked, what didn't, what you'd like to see more of, etc. Either no one's reading this or you're all just being very quiet. If it's something you don't want to post on the forum (scathing insults, offers to bear my children, etc.) feel free to send me an email. I'd really appreciate your thoughts. Thanks.
  17. DarthDVD!!!! Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 16, 2000
    star 1
    im not the only one (i hope)[come on guys post say that u read it]
    ok u catch my breath...
    my lungs still hurt from loling to hard
    DarthDVD!!!
  18. Purp Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 19, 1999
    star 1
    I got bored today and tried to make a poster for this thread. Before you start thinking too poorly of me, remember this is my first attempt.
    http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/2062/anh.gif
  19. JediFinrod Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 4, 2000
    star 3
    I read this while pretending to be a serious student in my school's computer lab. My little fascade was hard to keep up reading this story! That last space battle scene was too funny!

    I'm glad you plan on doing ESB! I hope to see it soon!
  20. Yoda's Twin Sister Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 22, 2000
    star 1
    Guess I'm one of those "quiet" people you were talking about. I thought both TPM and ANH humorous versions were hilarious!!! Can't wait for ESB!
    BTW, I love that poster, Purp.
  21. Purp Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 19, 1999
    star 1
    Okay, I've been discussing this with a few people over ICQ, and I'm getting conflicting opinions. So, we're going to have a poll.

    What would you prefer the authors in this thread to do first:
    a) Start working on Empire Strikes Back.
    b) Go back, compile this version, fill in any blanks, possibly add another scene or two, and make ANH Special Edition?

    Darth Vacuous wants to do the Special Edition first, and has offered to help. GENERAL RIKKAN and I have been playing ICQ tag, but once we get online at the same time we can figure out what his thoughts are on this. What do you want?
  22. JediFinrod Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 4, 2000
    star 3
    ESB - NOW!

    (The special edition comes after you complete the whole trilogy!)
  23. Purp Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 19, 1999
    star 1
    Forum16/HTML/000568.htmlHere you go!

    (Okay, so maybe I should have waited for more than one response, but hey, I've got a short attention span.)
  24. Jaya Solo Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 12, 1999
    star 5
    LOL! The story is so funny! When do we get more?
  25. Purp Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 19, 1999
    star 1
    When you click on that link above your post.
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