A New Hope - The Retold Comedy

I'm wondering where the initiator of this thread is?

 

ST is probably leaning back in his chair saying, "Now I am the master..."

 

Come on everybody, this is a funny @$$ story. Doesn't anybody have anything more to contribute?

 

I have an idea of where the story should go next, but it's too late at night for me to think of any dialogue.

Obi-Wan is having Luke practice with his lightsaber using the remote. All of a sudden, Obi-Wan doubles over like he has a stomach cramp. Luke asks him if he's alright and Obi-Wan said that he ate too much at the All-U-Can-Eat buffet that Han prepared for them, so now he did have a stomach cramp.

 

[Aboard the Millenium Falcon, Luke spars with a mini-globe]

LUKE: Ow! I just got shot in the ass!

OBI-WAN: Damn you suck. Come on man, I've seen two years old do this blindfolded.

LUKE: This sucks. I wanna go back to Tatooine. They say Alderaan's full of hippies anyways.

[Han Solo walks back smoking a joint]

HAN: I outran those Star Destroyers if anyone cares.

OBI-WAN: That's cause you're a Jedi, you just don't know it cause you smoke too much.

HAN: Jedi schmedi. Hokey tricks and nonsense is no match for a blaster at your side.

OBI-WAN: Yeah we'll see about that, burnout. Luke, here, put this helmet on. [Plops the helmet on Luke]

LUKE: I can't see a thing in this helmet.

OBI-WAN: Your eyes can decieve you, Luke. Things aren't always what they seem. You never know if that foxy girl with the sweet ass you can't keep your eyes of is your sister.

LUKE: Dude your sick! [The globe shoots him in the ass] Ow! This sucks!

HAN: You know you like it. He likes it doesn't he Chewie? Chewie likes ass shots too. Right Chewie?

CHEWBACCA: GrroROOROROROW! >Shut the hell up before I rip your arms off you little punk. I'm sick of you changing around my words to make me looks stupid! I'll eat you!

OBI-WAN: What did he say?

HAN: He said, "Yeah, I love that schitt."

CHEWBACCA: GROWOROWORW!

OBI-WAN: Luke. Stretch out with your feelings. And bring your ass in. You fight like a girl.

[Luke blocks three bolts in a row]

LUKE: You know, you were right. It did help to bring my ass in.

OBI-WAN: Congratulations. You've taken your first step into a larger world.

HAN: [blinks] You guys are so gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

CHEWBACCA: GRORWOROORORWW!

HAN: Chewie says it's cool though. He thinks its nice.

CHEWBACCA: GRROWOYAYAYAYAYAYAYA!

 

luke: ooohhh--- but my friends..
owen: *backhands luke* dammit, stop whining. that's really starting to piss me off.

actually, i think the entire movie could be made infinitely more funny just by adding subtitles for r2.

 

INT. THE MILLENNIUM FALCON

A light flashes and produces an audible alarm. HAN looks over at it.

HAN
Looks like we're coming upon Alderaan.

HAN, LUKE, BEN, and CHEWBACCA all race back to the cockpit. CHEWBACCA pulls them out of hyperspace only to reveal a cluster of rocks causing the ship to bounce.

LUKE
(exasperated)
Where's it at?!

HAN
Where's what?

LUKE
The planet, you idiot.

HAN
I dunno kid! Blowing up a planet ain't like dusting crops boy!

LUKE
You already told me that

HAN
Oh...

BEN
Must have been done by that small moon...

LUKE
(Interrupting)
A small moon can blow stuff up?!

Suddenly, a small red light beeps and moans incessantly on the cockpit main panel.

LUKE
(pointing at the light)
What's that flashing?!

HAN
Damnit kid, we already went through this! Are all the other kids on that Dust Bowl this whiney?

LUKE
Hey! Tattoine isn't that bad. Besides, all the kids have left for the Academy.

BEN
As a Jedi, I have been taught patience. But frankly Luke, I'm on my last nerve with you. Now shut-up or we'll leave you for the Ewok's....Oh look, we're coming upon that space station.

HAN
That's too big to be a...oh damn, you're right again old man.

BEN closes his eyes and then opens them again

BEN
Luke, your fath...I mean Vader is on that space station.

LUKE
So....WAIT! He's my father?! You weren't supposed to tell me until '80! And don't give me that 'from a certain point of view' crap either!

 

HAN: Dude, Alderaan is toast. But look, there's one of its moons.

KENOBI: That's no moon. That's a space station.

HAN: What? Get outta here. It's a moon.

KENOBI: Dooku was right. Dammit!

HAN: What!? Dooky from the moon? Your sick! I'm landing...

LUKE: Is that some kind of metallic planet?

KENOBI: It's a space station you gonads, look.

HAN: Oh yeah, okay I'm turning around.

[ship shakes]

HAN: The ships shaking! Man I wish I had a girly on my lap right now.

LUKE: We're still going in!

HAN: What're ya a virgin? No sch1tt! But they won't get me without a fight.

KENOBI: You can't win. But there are alternaives to fighting.

[a few minutes later they all form a chorus line]

EVERYBODY: Hello my baby! Hello my darlin! Hello my ragtime gaaaaal!!

KENOBI: [to stormtroopers] Uh, we're the entertainment Lord Vader sent for?

TK421: Fine. But where's the girls?

Chewbacca: GRROROWOOWOW!

TK421: Oooh... hairy broads. I like. From Germany?

KENOBI: Uh... sure.

LUKE: I can't see a thing in this wig!

HAN: Shut up kid!

LUKE: Why do you get to be the pimp?

HAN: Take a guess you wuss.

C-3PO: Well, uh, what is my role in all of this?

TK421: Ah. Are more... alternative... soldiers will like the goldenrod if you know what I mean.

C-3PO: Oh dear.

 

:::::::::Inside The Controll Room::::::::::::

C3PO: R2 have u found the tractor beam generator yet?

R2D2: beepboopbop<: no but i found a Casino and a Strip Club.

C3PO: 'mumbles' wow this place really got the hookup

R2: bleepboop<: o wait i found it shes here shes here shes here!

Luke: what is it?

C3PO: I don't quite know sir he said i found her and keeps repeting shes here!

::::::::::::::take it from here!:::::::::::::

 

this is not as fun as the topic Jettison.

 

yeah right. i've been there.

 

OBI-WAN: Luke, your father wanted you to have this.

*ZZZ!*
*Arm lops to floor*

LUKE: AHHHHG! MY ARM!!!!

OBI-WAN: *sighs*

C-3PO: I think I'll shut down for awhile now. I feel better about my arm.

 

OBI-WAN: Luke, I need you to come with me. I'm getting too old for this crap.

LUKE: No way! Alderaan is like a million miles from here!

OBI-WAN: That's your uncle talking.

LUKE: No. If my uncle was talking he'd say something like, 'Luke, your father was a piece of crap. Never called, visited, nothing. Screw em. I guess this makes me your uncle. You're no good, Luke. Just like your father. Now go scrub the toilets--'

OBI-WAN: Alright! Geez, I get the point. Look, I need your help. She needs your help. And when's the last time you've gotten laid. Huh?

LUKE: Well...

OBI-WAN: Huh? When?

LUKE: That's none of your business!

OBI-WAN: *coughs*virgin*coughs*

LUKE: I heard that!

OBI-WAN: The force is strong with you. You going or not?

LUKE: Not.

OBI-WAN: Fine then. Go home. *chuckles*

LUKE: What is so funny?

OBI-WAN: You'll see... *giggles*

 

LUKE: They killed them! My Uncle & Aunt! Gone!

OBI-WAN: Whad it smell like?

LUKE: Chicken. And Bantha poodoo.

OBI-WAN: Yes well... [packs his stuff]

LUKE: Where are you going?

OBI-WAN: For a drink...

[Later on a hill overlooking Mos Eisley]

OBI-WAN: Never will you find a more wretched hive of villany and scum. Except for this bar on Coruscant I used to go to. Great whores though.

LUKE: Uhm. Why are we going to drink?

OBI-WAN: [peers at Luke odiously] Because I'm an alcholoic Luke.

[MOS EISLEY CANTINA]

BARTENDER: HEY! No droids! Get them the hell outta here before they start shooting up the place!

C-3PO: Uh, I think we should wait outside.

LUKE: No way! 3PO is harmless! He wouldn't hurt a fly. He's incapabale of firing a weapon. Right C-3PO?

C-3PO: Uh, well...

R2-D2: [plays back a transmission] Die, Jedi Dogs!

LUKE: Whoa...

C-3PO: Like I said, we'll be outside...

LUKE: Great. Hey Obi.

OBI-WAN: [Guzzling down blue vodka] Wha?

LUKE: What's that, blue milk?

OBI-WAN: [peers at Luke odious] Sure, kid.

LUKE: I'd like some--

[An ugly villan face growls at him.]

LUKE: Goddamn walruses.

DR. ZEG: He doesn't like you.

LUKE: Sorry. [to bartender] Blue vodka please.

OBI-WAN: Actually Luke, it's called a Blue Russian.

DR. ZEG: I don't like you either. You best watch yourself. I'm wanted in--

LUKE: Dude, go screw yourself.

DR. ZEG: GAAAR! [Throws Luke to the ground with one arm]

[A smuggler and a wookiee laugh obnoxiously in the back.]

[Obi-Wan steps over Luke]

OBI-WAN: Christ, kid. Maybe I should take you back to Anchorhead.

DR. ZEG: Maybe you should!

OBI-WAN: Hey, shut the hell up. I'm in a good mood today, okay? Don't ruin it.

DR. ZEG: I don't give a---

[*zzzz*whoosh!*Ahhhhhg!]
[Bloody arm on the floor]

OBI-WAN: Heh. Just like old times.

[Helps Luke up]

OBI-WAN: See that big hairy gorilla looking freak that could probably rip your arms out of your socket just for breathing wrong on him?

LUKE: Yeah.

OBI-WAN: Think you can take him?

LUKE: No.

OBI-WAN: Me neither. That's our ride.

LUKE: What?! What is that thing?

OBI-WAN: Trust me, I've dealt with much much worse sidekicks in my lifetime.

LUKE: I can't even imagine.

[A loud noise as someone makes an entrance]

JAR JAR BINKS: OBI!!! MEESA SO GLAD TO SEE--

[*zzzz*whoosh!*Ahhhhhg!]
[Bloody arm on the floor]

OBI-WAN: Like I said. The gorilla's fine.

LUKE: [blinks] Remind me to never get on your bad side.

OBI-WAN: After what I did to your father, trust me. You don't.

LUKE: [shudders]

 

[Obi-Wan and Luke walk to the Falcon.]

OBI-WAN: I ever tell you the time I jumped through out your mother's window to save her from--

LUKE: Somebody's following us. Some thing with a long snout. And no more 'mother' jokes, dude. Seriously, I never knew mine.

OBI-WAN: Nobody's following us. One time, she was giving me plans to defend Naboo from an invasion of skinny robots. No prob, but she kept giving me this look, like, Obi, I want you--

LUKE: Dude! Enough!

OBI-WAN: Okay, okay. Just like your father. Anyways, there it is.

LUKE: What a piece of junk!

HAN: It'll make .5 past lightspeed. Not that you'd know anything about it. Get on board.

LUKE: Says who?

HAN: Says about a dozen stormtroopers standing behind you.

LUKE: Yeah right, you think that's gonna work on me?

[Han and Chewie creep on board.]

LUKE: He thinks he's so cool, you know Obi? Obi?

OBI: [from inside the falcon] RUN LUKE RUN!

[Luke Runs, and screams like a girl]

 

CHEWIE: GRAAROOOWOOOW!

HAN: Chewie, shut up about Episode III and pilot.

CHEWIE: GRARROOOWOOW!

HAN: I know.

LUKE: What did he say?

OBI: He said we're screwed.

LUKE: How do you know?

OBI: An assumption based on the fact that theres two Star Destroyers on our arse.

[Ship shakes from fire. Red light flashes]

LUKE: What's that flashing!

HAN: Flapjacks are done! Chewie go get them. And don't eat them all! And wear a hair net, I'm sick of choking on your fur!

CHEWIE: GROOAORAR!

OBI: Uhm, shouldn't we worry about flapjacks later and concentrate on...

[Ship goes into hyperspace]

OBI: Uhm... do you have maple syrup?

 

I can't think of a way to turn ANH into a comedy. Any Star Wars comedy would be a box-office flop.

 

For added amusesment....I suggest everyone read my parodies of every SW film to date. Its in the "Jettison-JETTISON!!...Script Humor" thread.

 

While in hyperspace, Han thinks back to his encounter with Jabba the Hutt before they blasted out of Mos Eisley

Han: Hey Jabba! Why are you the only Hutt remaining?

Jabba: Because I'm so fat, I can't, well, uh, you know, hook up, if you know what I mean.

Han: lurches forward about to puke at even the thought of two Hutts 'hooking up' Yeah, how do two Hutts do 'it'? For that matter, I've always wondered how two fat humans 'hook up'. The logistics stagger me.

Han, disturbed by his thoughts awakens out of his day dream...