Before - Legends A Part Of Me Lost - KOTOR OC vignette

Title: A Part Of Me Lost
Characters: Mezzo Binir (OC)
Genre: Vignette, (Some) Drama, (Some) Angst
Summary: A Jedi's expierence of the destruction of the Enclave on Dantooine
Star Wars doesn't belong to me. Don't kill me.

Please read. It's probably not very good, considering this is the first vignette I've written, so give me some ConCrit please.
Sorry that if it doesn't have indents. Not sure why TF.N isn't letting me indent...

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Mezzo walked around the strange-looking Rakatan ruins. He wondered what it took to build it, why they would want anyone to know about their Star Forge super weapon factory thing, why this place was starting to bring him dark thoughts?

Suddenly a loud BOOM noise sounded, bringing him out of his thoughts. What the hell is going on? Mezzo wondered. He walked out of the cave holding the ruins, and saw what was happening.
Someone was destroying the temple.


He looked at the sky, and saw none other than a Sith attack cruiser. Hiding behind a rock, he watched as the structure crumbled under the fire. Watching the fire come closer to him, he ran away to the Rakatan ruins, and meditated as he waited for the danger to pass.


When he sensed that the Sith had stopped firing on the enclave, and that the fires burning it died down, he walked to the charred ruins of what had been his home. He walked around, staring at the dead bodies, feeling a void grow inside him as he saw each one.

?Zhar? Vrook? Vandar? Dorak? Anyone??

There was no reply. Just silence. Mezzo continued walking. He saw more and more dead bodies lying, looks of surprise on their lifeless faces.

Suddenly, he came across the dead body of his best friend, Lando Kadar. The tears that had kept theirselves behind his eyes all of a sudden came rushing out, blurring his vision. He fell to the ground, overwhelmed by the sight in front of him.

When he had finally pulled himself back together, he knelt at his dead friend?s side, and took the lightsaber off the his lifeless comrade?s belt. It was all he had left of his almost-brother.


Mezzo sensed a disturbance in the Force, coming closer and closer?
Sith troopers. He swore under his breath. Just when he had seen enough death, he had to kill more people.
Mezzo, clutching his and his friend?s saber, sprinted to the Rakatan ruins, the only place where he had felt safe from the Sith threat. He then fell into a deep meditation.


Despite being in meditation, Mezzo could still sense the Sith heading in his direction, somehow able to know where he was, despite being his enemies? non-Force sensitivity. He knew it was futile to try to run away from the threat again. He channeled the Force to him, empowering himself in preperation for the fight he would find himself in.


Hearing the sound of feet walking in his direction, Mezzo kept his back against a wall, preparing to spring into action if-no, when-the Sith attacked him. He stood for a few minutes, expecting an enemy to start firing. Finally, one did. He pressed the ignition button on both sabers and slashed at the Sith troopers. Feeling the power his anger gave him flowing through him, he attacked even fiercer. He killed the entire squad of commandos quickly.

As the last body hit the floor, Mezzo fell with it, exhausted and frustrated with himself from his usage of the dark side.

?What have I done?!? he exclaimed, shocked. But he knew very well what he had done. He?d killed Sith in vengeance for his friend. It was completely fine to him, but in the back of his mind, he wondered, Would Lando have done this if I had died and he had lived?

He pushed the thought away. The action had been completed, the damage done. He could only think of one way to resolve the conflict inside him. It wasn?t to go to Coruscant and receive more Jedi training, and it wasn?t to join the dark side.

It was to cut him off from the Force completel

 

First of all, welcome to the wonderful world of fanfic.

I really like the idea behind this story, and Mezzo sounds like he could become a really interesting OC. Do you have any plans to continue his story? If you do, you should definitely check out the OC thread. *wink wink, nudge nudge*

As for concrit... well, it could structurally use some work. I won't go into too much detail here (though if you'd like me to, feel free to throw me a PM), but it feels a little short. Like you have the outline for the story, but not many of the details. Though, as I said, I do like the concept.

Anyhow, go you for being open to concrit- you'll find that these boards have some amazing writers, and you'll be able to find all the help you could ever want when it comes to fanfic. I hope to see more from you!

 

I do have an outline for a story, but it isn't going to be in the form of fanfiction...In fact, this fanfic was written mostly to lead into my story and show a little of my OC before his major appearance...
Anyway, thanks for reading and the concrit.

 

It was to cut him off from the Force completely.

WOW

That's a stiff penalty to pay but considering how easily Mezzo gave in to the desire for revenge, perhaps it's a good thing.

Very nice job on this. I enjoyed it

 

Thanks! But I could have used a little concrit, y'know...but thanks for reading anyway.

Hmmm...maybe I should write more Mezzo fics. *hehehe*

 

Not bad. Not bad at all.

I'm not up to date to most of the Pre-Saga history, but the plot behind the story is interesting. The protagonist sounds like he could develop into a truly interesting and exmplary character.

Keep up the good work.

~The One
~The Only
~The Flir

 

Haha, thanks Brant_Flir!

My drabbles definitely show a lot of my OCs, but I haven't used Mezzo as much as my other characters...

 

Nice. I'll have to look into that some time.

Keep up the good work.

~The One
~The Only
~The Flir

 

Very nice! Mezzo has the potential so I hope you write more.

 

I love the Force-cutting/stripping-esque theme ever since the first KOTOR (with Nomi and Ulic). So naturally, I enjoyed that last part.

Very good vig, nicely written.

 

Thanks, both of you!