A Problem Shared Is A Problem Multiplied Some More...

OK. The original version got well and truly mangled. It is now languishing stuck between two completely unrelated topics. Did I say Sith happens? Well, I'm not letting this horrible board mash up the story, so with the permission of all those who have added on, I am reposting the lot. Please hang in there whilst I whip this thread back into shape.

So there Snowboard! (Sticks tongue out)
***************************

?Would you like to explain that one to me again?? Kenobi?s expression became incredulous.

Jemmiah elected to use a sheepish expression. ?It?s just a bit of a laugh, Ben. Outwith my study hours.?
?Let me get this straight.? Simeon rolled onto his back and stared up at the sky. ?You are telling me that you have decided to become the temple agony aunt.?
?Yup.? The Corellian girl nodded. ?If it?s broken, I?ll fix it. If it ain?t, I?ll break it and then put it together again.? She winked at Obi-Wan.
?What makes you think that anyone?s going to be interested?? Kenobi smiled, picking a blade of grass from the lawn in the temple gardens and chewing it lazily.
?People ALWAYS have problems.? Jemmiah replied. ?Sometimes it helps to talk to someone. It could be a complete stranger. Just talking is therapeutic. And I?m sure there are plenty of screwed up individuals within the temple who are just aching to tell all their troubles to Auntie Jem.?
?You can?t call yourself Auntie Jem!? Kenobi spluttered with laughter. ?We?ll have to think of a name for you. How about ?Naughty Nell.??
?Yes,? Simeon grinned, rolling his black padawan braid between his fingers, ?that has possibilities. ?Naughty Nell?: the shrink from hell!?
?Cheers, Simeon.? Jemmiah batted him on the head.
?Ouch!? Cates rubbed his hurt cranium. ?I think you?ve got a secret masochistic side to you, Obi-Wan, for you to go out with this Sithcat. How do you survive all the bruising??

Kenobi grinned.

?She?s just being playful, aren?t you Jemmy?? He scratched her under the chin as if she were a tame feline. ?All hiss and no claws.?
?I wouldn?t say that.? Muttered Simeon.
?And just as fond of cream. Or should that be trifle?? Obi-Wan laughed before he fell under Jemmiah?s onslaught of pinches.
?What?s the big attraction, anyway? Why do you want to do this? Out of the kindness of your heart??
?I?m studying psychiatry.? Jemmy smiled. ?I thought it would make an interesting experiment.?
?And?? Obi-Wan asked.
?And what??
?There?s a definite ?and? coming on. I can tell.? He folded his arms.

Jemmiah shrugged, the sunlight reflecting off her chestnut hair. ?I thought it might be fun if we got a little group together. A consortium. We could take it in turns to write the replies to the questions we receive.? Her eyes lit up. ?Just think of all the fun we could have trying to guess who the messages came from!?

Simeon pounded his hands against the grass with laughter. ?Can you imagine,? he said after recovering his breath somewhat, ?Healer Leona writing us a letter? ?Dear Naughty Nell, I have this height problem. The person I am seeing is far too tall, and I am really short in stature. I know they say that size isn?t everything, but having a romantic conversation with somebody?s navel is beginning to get me down. What shall I do? When we have a romantic meal together, I have to sit in the high chair! Yours gratefully, HL.?
?Oh, I do hope An-Paj writes in!? Jemmiah pleaded to any listening gods. ?Anyone with six wives has got to have a whole stack of problems to cope with.?
?How are you going to do this?? Kenobi asked her. ?You?ll need to make certain that all the replies aren?t traced to you.?
?Letina?s going to help there. She?s the technological wonder.? Jemmiah replied. ?I?d love to see everyone?s faces when they try to find out who are mystery head doctor is! It?ll have them in SUCH a tizzy, they won?t know what day it is!?
?So, when?s the big kick off?? Obi-Wan asked with interest.
?Tonight. My apartment. Evla?s on night shifts with the kiddies this week. Plenty of opportunity to have some fun!? She quirked an eyebrow at Obi-W

 

?Where is it you?re going tonight, padawan?? Qui-Gon asked with a sigh. Since had started seeing Leona on a semi-regular basis, and Obi-Wan was more often than not in Jemmiah?s company, nights were rarely times that Qui-Gon and his apprentice got to spend with each other.

?To see Simeon.? Kenobi replied. ?I want to see the kind of punishment that An-Paj inflicted on him for missing Master Quirida-Xac?s hemorrhoid operation. I?ll bet he had to clean every fresher and empty every bed pan at the healers.?
?Don?t laugh at other?s misfortune.? Admonished the tall Jedi, although he too was smiling a little. An-Paj was a very thorough individual?
?I shouldn?t be too late. Expect me when I?m back, though.? Obi-Wan waved a quick goodbye and headed for Jemmiah?s apartment.

Qui-Gon wondered briefly what was the cause of his Padawan?s haste to excuse himself from his master?s presence.

Jemmiah, no doubt.

Shaking his head, Qui-Gon set about making himself presentable for Leona.
***************************
?Sorry I?m late.? Obi-Wan said, slightly flustered, as Jemmiah opened the door to her flat and let him in. He pecked her quickly on the cheek.
?Is that it?? She frowned.
?Just a warm up.? Obi-Wan smirked.
?I didn?t think you needed warming up. Are you that old that I need to find myself a younger model already? Have I worn you out so fast?? Jemmiah said innocently.

?Very funny.? Obi-Wan looked into the living area to see Letina already seated by the holo-net terminal, fingers working furiously. Simeon stood behind her, with a sour expression on his face.
?What did he do, Simeon?? Obi-Wan asked his friend.
?I?m on fresher duty for the next week. And as for the bedpans??

Obi-wan stifled his smile.

?Here we go, guys.? Letina said. ?Our advert is up and running.?
?Let?s see.? Obi-Wan let go of Jemmiah and wandered over for a better look. He read the advert. It said:
?Fed up with your master? Padawans getting you down? Feel that you have reached the end of your tether?
If things are making you blue, why not share them with the temple?s own advice columnist, Naughty Nell. She?ll be there to offer you sensible advise on all matter of topics. No problem is too big or too embarrassing.
Remember that a problem shared is a problem halved.
Don?t delay!?

?That?s good.? Simeon mused. ?What do we do now??
?We wait to see how many fishies bite.? Letina snickered. ?This is a time when a lot of the padawans and a considerable amount of the masters are using their holo-connection. And they can?t trace this advert back to us. I?ve made sure of that!?
?Good.? Jemmiah smiled, pouring everyone a drink of sparkling Alderaani wine. ?Now we sit back and wait for the fun to start. I hope there are some really juicy questions flying our way!?

I just hope we don?t get caught, thought Obi-Wan.

Qui-Gon will not like this!

 

Ewwww....

Reposting it all will be quite a job...

 

Yeah, but I'll have the satisfaction of knowing that I BEAT THIS SITHLY THING AT ITS OWN GAME!

************************
Next part by JEDI_DAPHNE:

Beep. Turning towards to holo, Jemmiah opened up the first reply.

Dear Naughty Nell,

Problem I have. With female it is. Smother me she does. Feed me gruel for meals she does. Call her 'snugglebuns' I must. Embarrassing it is. Laugh the Council does. Advice you will give?

Y.

Rubbing her hands together in a very Sithly fashion, Jemmiah began to type.

 

Dear Y,

Are you a man or a mouse...actually; are you a man at all? I think we have to establish who the 'Master' is here.

It isn't you, is it?

I suggest you ask her to find an embarrassing name to call you, and see if she likes it. Something like "hot-lips sweetie-pie", or "flossum-wussums". That should send her running to the nearest swamp, er, hiding place.
What does she smother you with, out of curiosity? Treacle's my own preferred substance. Far easier to lick off...

You're complaining about eating gruel? I think she should force you to take all your meals at the temple refectory. That would soon convince you of the relative merits of gruel. Seven days of eating that filthy muck would make your taste buds think they were in heaven after returning to 'Snugglebuns' fave recipe.

As for the Council, they have no right to laugh at anything. I recommend that you remind them that they are the select few. Chosen for their wisdom, compassion and dignity.

Then force them to spend an entire session wearing only there underwear. If that doesn't ram home the meaning of embarrassing, nothing will.

Affectionately yours,

Naughty Nell (your little 'Dido-Dumpling-Diddums)

******************
"There, Jemmiah said proudly. "You can do the next one." She ruffled Obi-Wan's short hair.

"Snugglebuns."

 

Posted by JEDI_DAPHNE

Beep.

"Your turn 'Snugglebuns'. Step on up to the plate."

Dear Naughtly Nell,

I seem to have a problem getting a certain someone - let's call her Healer L. - to act naughty. She seems feel I need to be treated in a Masterly fashion all the time. How do I convince her otherwise.

QGJ

 

Ahhh! A wonderful thread like this could never fall to the Dark Side! Thank You Jemmiah for saving it!

 

Dear QGJ,

Frankly I think there's too much 'licking the master's feet' going on, without you wanting to corrupt this poor female into doing the same.
If you don't want HER to treat you like the master, might I suggest she buy's a cane? Then she can have some of the fun!

I think she has a perception problem. Could it be that you are perceived as a rigid, unbending, strict disciplinarian; the type who would never let their padawan stay out late or do anything remotely fun? The kind of stern, severe-faced individual whose idea of a good time is to meditate cross-legged for five hours at a time?

You are?

Then it's time for the holos. Take the time to show yourself in a new light. Start out by making sure she sees all the candid and revealing shots of yourself in the shower by leaving them lying around on the table.

If that doesn't work, ask her if she wants to see your etchings.

Fond regards,
Naughty Nell (available on demand from 9.00am - 9.00pm)

 

Posted by WAMPASMAK:

*Beep*

Dear Naughty Nell,

I have SO MANY problems! First of all, people seem to find me boring. This is because their idea of fun is not mine. As a result, I don't talk to many people and my social life is somewhat lacking.

Second, I owe this bar (or at least it used to be a bar.) a large amount of credits for some...damage...I did to it some time ago. I do not have enough money; do you know a way I can earn some? (Within two weeks to avoid trial.)

Regards, GH~

 

"My turn!" Simeon nudged Obi-Wan out of the seat. "I think we can all guess who this is from!"
Simeon Cates cracked his fingers and settled down to type his reply.


Dear GH,

The quickest and easiest way to make money is of course to go on 'the game'. Some people might think that this is not perhaps the greatest career move, but on the plus side you get to meet lots of interesting individuals from amongst all sorts of species. And some people find the Jedi uniform a bit of a turn on, anyway. And you can always choose the hours you want to work. It may not improve your social life but the conversation should be fairly limited anyhow, so I imagine that would suit you just fine.

Who thinks you are boring? Has anyone told you this? Is it a case of you being boring or...zzzz...zzzzzzzzzzz...zzzzz...zzz.

What?

Sorry, fell asleep typing your reply.

Yours yawnfully,

Naughty Nell.

 

Posted by JEDI KYLENN:

*Beep*

Dear Naughty Nell,

I'm a bit nervous, um...I've never admitted this before and if anyone ever found out I would just die!

I sorta have a crush on another padawan in the temple and I don't know how to tell him or even if I should tell him at all. He's a friend but I don't know if he likes me in "that way." I get this queasy feeling everytime I see him (no, it's not an upset stomach - it's a "good" kind of queasy) but I'm too shy to say anything. What should I do?

K.

 

"Mine! Mine!" Letina growled, slapping Simeon on the wrists in an effort to get him to vacate the chair.
"Why do women always hit me?" Simeon asked miserably.
"It's to do with the kind of face you have, sweetie-pie." Jemmiah tweaked his braid playfully. "Now let Letina have her turn, there's a good boy!"

Dear K,

How does he like you, then? Chained to a wall or standing on your hands in black stockings?

My advice would be to hold out for a while before telling this padawan the way you feel. If you say how deeply you care for him, he might be extremely flattered.

More realistically, he'll probably say: 'I'd sooner smear my genitalia in Takkini for the ants to enjoy than go out with you.'

Wait a while. Drop subtle hints. Offer to do his laundry or carry his bag to the training rooms. Buy him expensive aftershave. Offer to darn his socks. Slave away over a hot stove all day and cook him his fave food.

If he doesn't take the hint, it's time for the turbo lift test. Time to find out the real meaning of the word CRUSH! Lock yourself in with him, then press the emergency stop button. It'll take the best part of an hour to get it going again. You can learn a lot about a person when you're stuck in a confined place with them.'

"Yes," grinned Obi-Wan, reading over Letina's shoulder, "like being stuck on a games table in a darkened cellar in a smoke filled Cantina."

Letina continued-

'If he doesn't take the hint, he's probably not worth knowing. It's not as if you'll be missing out on very much anyway. Unless being groped every two minutes is your thing."

Naughty Nell (who still has the bruises to prove it)

"You can't put that!" Kenobi laughed. "It's obviously Jay Abran she's talking about."
"And why not?" Letina shot back. "He's got elasticized hands that appear from nowhere round corners. Isn't that right, Jemmy?"
Uh-huh." Jemmiah nodded. "Jay can be mighty unobservant when he wants to be. Kylenn could probably slide down the banister naked and he wouldn't notice her efforts."
"Poor girl." Simeon muttered. "She's so good hearted, she's bound to take your advise seriously. I bet the next time we see her she'll be carrying his bag for him!"

They all laughed.

"You were right about one thing," Jemmiah grinned, "the turbo-lift test sure reveals a lot about a person."
"Yup," Kenobi concurred, "Jemmy and I were in the middle of finding out a lot about each other when the doors opened. It was a pity my Master and Mace Windu were standing outside at the time."
"And you were correct about Abran, too." Jemmy smiled. "She won't be missing much. There wouldn't be a lot for the ants to eat if he tried that Takkini thing."

Obi-Wan stared at her.

"From what I've been told." She added.

 

Posted by LADY JEDITH:

Dear Naughty Nell!

I?ve got a problem.

I am fond of a Padawan ? name him Obi K. ? but he doesn?t care! I?m beautiful, smart and kindhearted, and I bet I kiss much better than that silly girlfriend of his! And I look better, and dance better, and? Oh Sith, she isn?t even Force sensitive!

I do my best to attract him, but you know I?m eager to be a Jedi so it would be disgusting to use the Force in my personal interests. Therefore I acted according to the Handbook of Current Black Magic by Dr. Th. Sidious, it?s really respectable manual; but even dried Bantha wool added to his soup didn?t work at all! Padawan Amb-ca says it?s stronger to use dried Bantha poodoo instead, but I have a doubt: is it actually scientifically proven? What do you think? And please if you know more of those powerful formulas ? TELL ME!

Terribly-eager-to-be-Jedi Isadora L.

 

There was a deadly silence.

"Do I know this amoeba?" Jemmiah frowned, crossing her arms, "or do you just like your women to be jail bait?"
"I have NOTHING to do with this!" Kenobi panicked. "Believe me, you wouldn't want to meet Isadora Lucey. Pray you never have to. She has a thing about the male padawans. I think it's the braid."
"How does she know so much about me?" Jemmy grimaced.
"Everyone knows about you." Muttered Simeon.

He received another swipe on the back of his head.

"Owch! I thought you said she was harmless." he moaned at Obi-Wan and glaring at Jemmiah.
Kenobi snorted as he stared at the message. "This one is MINE."
"Uh-uh." Jemmy shook her head. "I'm the injured party here. I'm gonna fix this little runt good and fine!"

She started to type.

"Dear Isadora,

You're going about this entirely the wrong way.
Love potions are all well and good, but they work better when you take them yourself. I have a VERY effective spell for you:

1 tin of Alderaani fresh prunes
1 tin of Bandomeerian fresh figs
4 large spoons of Corellian Dandelion cordial
5 spoons of Corellian castor oil.

Mix well together and eat as soon as served.

I think you will find that it will have pretty explosive effects.

Yours (smiling in the knowledge of a deed well done)
Naughty Nell."

She sat back with a satisfied expression. "Nobody tangles with me lightly!"
"I know." Kenobi murmured, smiling. "I've still got the scars."
"You and half the other guys in the temple." Simeon said under his breath.

He sighed.

Alas, not including him.

 

Posted by HEALER LEONA:

Dear Naughty Nell,

I'm a young, virile padawan. Top of my class. Handsome and strong, I can have the pick of any woman I want (my master has even told me so).
I know, so what problem could I have? Well, I'm interested in a Corellian spitfire and she doesn't even give me the time of day.

Infact, she's taken up with a dweeb of a padawan who spends most of his time on his back in the infirmary (he's such an oaf). He's no where near man enough for her, at least in comparison to me.
What can I do to bring her to her senses and drop her loser of a boyfriend?

Your Jedi stud, KH

 

"I'm going to kill him.? said Kenobi.

Jemmiah stood there with her mouth open. "It's him." She frowned, pointing at the screen. It's HIM. Kryztan Sithspit Harkley." She shook her head in dismay. "I thought he'd sorted this thing out! He promised us he'd got himself under control."
"Evidently not!" Snapped Obi-Wan.
"Don't have a go at me, I haven't encouraged him." Jemmiah hissed back at him.
"Stop dressing so provocatively." Obi-Wan growled. "He might take a hint."
"What, so you want me to go about looking like an old sack, is that right?" Jemmiah snarled.
"Did I say that?" he threw his hands up. "Although frankly, I think you get a kick out of having him look at you with those big, baby eyes."
"It's better than going out with a big baby." She glared at him. "I have never asked him to follow me around. I don't hand a sign round my neck saying 'all stalkers and weirdo's please call me at my apartment.'"
"He called me a dweeb." Kenobi said disgusted, not caring a jot that Letina and Simeon were watching the heated argument swing backwards and forwards.
"Maybe he's got a point."
"I'm SOOOOOO going to kill him. When my master's not looking."
"Very brave." She retorted.
"I'll bet you're really enjoying this."

That was the last thing he got out before her fist connected with his face.

"Sith!" He held his head in his hands, blood poring from his nose. Jemmiah was likewise doubled over in pain, holding her wrist with her other hand.
"You can be such a git sometimes, Ben." She grimaced. "See you down at the healers."

Jemmiah struggled out with the help of Letina, who put a supportive arm round her shoulders.
"That miserable vrelt. Why did he have to have so hard a head? I've broken my hand for sure." Jemmiah moaned as she headed out the door.

Simeon went into the fresher room, and came back with a large wad of tissue which he stuffed up Obi-Wan's nostrils.

"You're nose is broken. Better get you to the infirmary, too." He said finally. "Unless you want to spend the rest of your life looking like Qui-Gon!"

Kenobi glared.

"Not yet. I'm going to fix that Gamorrean swine before I move anywhere."

He typed with bloodied fingers:

Dear KH,

I always find that the people who boast about their abilities are usually the most ineffectual. If you're as virile as you say you are, why is this girl going out with the dweeb, as you call him? Maybe you aren't man enough for her after all.

Take a good, long look at yourself in a mirror. I'm sure your 'short comings' will make themselves evident. Then maybe you'll understand why this oaf has got the better of you. If you're really insecure, there's a telescope in the observatory that can see millions of light years away. It might just do for you.

Don't get too depressed. I'm sure there are many other poor, deluded females who aren't as picky. After all, size matters not.

Well, not if you?re a Krayt Dragon.

Naughty Nell."

"Finished?" Cates asked ruefully.
"Yeah." Kenobi grunted. "Oaf indeed!" He staggered out of Evla's home, much as Jemmiah had only minutes before.

"Take me to the healers." He said.

 

"Right." An-Paj looked up from the notes he was studying, "who have we got next?"

Ferdi Xadaani raised an eyebrow.

"Not Kenobi?" An-Paj mumbled in disbelief. "He was only in here last week!"
"Nope. Next best thing- his partner in crime."
"Jemmiah." An-Paj stated resignedly. "We haven't had her in since that concussion business."
"Operation fountain, I believe was your code name for the affair." Xadaani smiled. "That Cantina-thing was a bit of a lark, wasn't it?"
"Mace Windu wasn't smiling." Grinned An-Paj. "If only he knew that we still have the holos from that momentous occasion." He wiped a tear of laughter from his eyes. "What's the girl done now?"

They walked out into the corridor, deftly avoiding padawan healer Dimallie, who sat scrubbing fruitlessly at some stain on the floor, amidst a large amount of debris which might once have been bedpans and specimen jars.

"I thank my blessings that Kenobi never took up with Leona's padawan," he said fervently, "because I'd really hate to see any offspring they might eventually produce. Do you think accident-prone genes are something you're born with, like midi-clorians?"

Ferdi laughed. "Jemmiah's through there. She seems to have damaged her hand, somehow." She looked towards the far entrance as if prompted by the force. "I asked her how it happened, but all she would say was that she ran into something heavy and dense..."

An-Paj followed her eyes to the doorway in time to see Simeon Cates urging, no, dragging a protesting figure through the doorway.
"Kenobi." An-Paj folded his arms. "I'd say you've found your heavy, dense object."
"True love never did run smoothly." Xadaani pursed her lips in contemplation.
"Some of us have to suffer it six times over." He joked.
"I'll see what the damage is." Xadaani ignored the reference to his multiple wives.
An-Paj agreed. "Whatever it is, that girl must have a powerful right hook."

**************************

"Do you want the good news, or the bad news?" Letina asked as Jemmiah sat waiting to be treated with Bacta soaked bandages. Her hand was severely bruised, but it seemed that nothing had been broken. In truth, she felt rather silly coming down here in the first place.
"Do tell." The sarcasm dripped into her Corellian accent.
"The good news is that our 'Naughty Nell' Agony Aunt thing has caused a REAL stir around the temple!" Letina sat on a chair next to Jemmiah. "It's proved to be exceptionally popular. Everyone is talking about it!"
"Good." Jemmiah smiled. "I knew it was a good idea." She stared at the brown haired girl, suddenly uneasy. "What's the bad news?"
"Some of the Council members have apparently said it was a disgraceful misuse of temple resources, and they've decided to try and hunt the culprits."
"But you said it couldn't be traced back to us!" Jemmy's eyes widened in concern. "Sith! Evla will ground me for ten years if she finds out!"
"Relax. I told you." Letina tried to calm her down. "Things are very slow in here today, and An-Paj says you can go home as soon as he's bandaged your hand. Want to dispense some more advice to our audience?"
"You bet!" Jemmy was defiant. "If I'm going down on a sinking ship, the only salute I'm giving is of the two fingered variety."
"Good!" Laughed Letina.

There was a cough from outside.

"Come in Simeon." Letina smiled.
"Is it safe to come in? She isn't going to hit us, is she?" Cates joked, waving a white handkerchief around the curtain.
"Ha ha!" Jemmiah winced.

Simeon entered the private cubical first, followed by a rather apologetic looking Obi-Wan.
"I'm sorry my head collided with your fist." He offered miserably.
"Is it broken?" She asked hesitantly.
"What, with my track record? Did you expect anything less?" He shifted uncomfortably.
"Sorry." She mumbled.
"What was that?" Frowned Obi-Wan, ear to hand.
"Yeah, OK. Sorry." She repeated louder. "Will you be alright?"
"It's been fixed." Kenobi muttered. "I just have to walk around with this artificial Bacta beak on my nose for the next twelve hours."
"It's very fe

 

"Right." An-Paj looked up from the notes he was studying, "who have we got next?"

Ferdi Xadaani raised an eyebrow.

"Not Kenobi?" An-Paj mumbled in disbelief. "He was only in here last week!"
"Nope. Next best thing- his partner in crime."
"Jemmiah." An-Paj stated resignedly. "We haven't had her in since that concussion business."
"Operation fountain, I believe was your code name for the affair." Xadaani smiled. "That Cantina-thing was a bit of a lark, wasn't it?"
"Mace Windu wasn't smiling." Grinned An-Paj. "If only he knew that we still have the holos from that momentous occasion." He wiped a tear of laughter from his eyes. "What's the girl done now?"

They walked out into the corridor, deftly avoiding padawan healer Dimallie, who sat scrubbing fruitlessly at some stain on the floor, amidst a large amount of debris which might once have been bedpans and specimen jars.

"I thank my blessings that Kenobi never took up with Leona's padawan," he said fervently, "because I'd really hate to see any offspring they might eventually produce. Do you think accident-prone genes are something you're born with, like midi-clorians?"

Ferdi laughed. "Jemmiah's through there. She seems to have damaged her hand, somehow." She looked towards the far entrance as if prompted by the force. "I asked her how it happened, but all she would say was that she ran into something heavy and dense..."

An-Paj followed her eyes to the doorway in time to see Simeon Cates urging, no, dragging a protesting figure through the doorway.
"Kenobi." An-Paj folded his arms. "I'd say you've found your heavy, dense object."
"True love never did run smoothly." Xadaani pursed her lips in contemplation.
"Some of us have to suffer it six times over." He joked.
"I'll see what the damage is." Xadaani ignored the reference to his multiple wives.
An-Paj agreed. "Whatever it is, that girl must have a powerful right hook."

**************************

"Do you want the good news, or the bad news?" Letina asked as Jemmiah sat waiting to be treated with Bacta soaked bandages. Her hand was severely bruised, but it seemed that nothing had been broken. In truth, she felt rather silly coming down here in the first place.
"Do tell." The sarcasm dripped into her Corellian accent.
"The good news is that our 'Naughty Nell' Agony Aunt thing has caused a REAL stir around the temple!" Letina sat on a chair next to Jemmiah. "It's proved to be exceptionally popular. Everyone is talking about it!"
"Good." Jemmiah smiled. "I knew it was a good idea." She stared at the brown haired girl, suddenly uneasy. "What's the bad news?"
"Some of the Council members have apparently said it was a disgraceful misuse of temple resources, and they've decided to try and hunt the culprits."
"But you said it couldn't be traced back to us!" Jemmy's eyes widened in concern. "Sith! Evla will ground me for ten years if she finds out!"
"Relax. I told you." Letina tried to calm her down. "Things are very slow in here today, and An-Paj says you can go home as soon as he's bandaged your hand. Want to dispense some more advice to our audience?"
"You bet!" Jemmy was defiant. "If I'm going down on a sinking ship, the only salute I'm giving is of the two fingered variety."
"Good!" Laughed Letina.

There was a cough from outside.

"Come in Simeon." Letina smiled.
"Is it safe to come in? She isn't going to hit us, is she?" Cates joked, waving a white handkerchief around the curtain.
"Ha ha!" Jemmiah winced.

Simeon entered the private cubical first, followed by a rather apologetic looking Obi-Wan.
"I'm sorry my head collided with your fist." He offered miserably.
"Is it broken?" She asked hesitantly.
"What, with my track record? Did you expect anything less?" He shifted uncomfortably.
"Sorry." She mumbled.
"What was that?" Frowned Obi-Wan, ear to hand.
"Yeah, OK. Sorry." She repeated louder. "Will you be alright?"
"It's been fixed." Kenobi muttered. "I just have to walk around with this artificial Bacta beak on my nose for the next twelve hours."
"It's very fe

 

Posted by HEALER LEONA:

Mace Windu sat in front of Qui-Gon's holo connection, Qui-Gon and Leona hanging over each shoulder.

"Alright now!" Mace rubbed his hands together enthusiastically. "Let's see what kind of question Uncle Mace can come up with for Agony Aunt."

Hunched over the keyboard, Mace began to type furiously.

Leona stood behind Mace, side by side to a much taller Qui-Gon. Bending forward, one hand resting on the desk next to Mace for support, Qui-Gon placed a casual arm around around the healer, resting it lightly around her waist.

Glancing over the top of Mace' domed head, Leona cast a demur peek at Qui-Gon turned her way with a warm, half-quirked smile. Quickly turning away, an evident smile coming to her lips, she took a small step closer to the large Jedi.

"That should get us some results, even if I say so myself." Mace announced triumphantly, sitting back in the chair, finished with his task.
Leona read it over, then gazed at Mace with a bemused look. "Split ends? Really now Mace. The only results you can expect from that is laughter."

She read the paragraph aloud.

Dear Naughty Nell,

I have a particularly taxing problem. I suffer from a dreadful case of split ends and being that my body is covered in long luxurious hair I find myself having to spend hours defrizzing my hair just so I don't look like an overgrown tribble. Then there's the added problem of the amount of static electricity it creates. I find I'm constantly shocking everything and everyone I come in contact with.

The other Council members always complain of finding strands of my hair in the most unusual places, especially during the time I shed.
Please help me with my problem.

Oppo R.

"How do you expect something like that to flush out the little Dagoban weasels responsible for this."
"If you think you could do better, then be my guest." Mace challenged, holding his hands out to the holo terminal.

Qui-Gon wore a wide grin at the dare.

Seeing it, a devious smile crossed the healer's face.

"Ok, move it." she told the brown-skinned Jedi master. "Let me show you how it?s done."
Relinquishing his seat, Mace glanced at Qui-Gon who was equally surprised by the normally shy woman's acceptance.

"You've got to use your imagination.? she said beginning to hit the keys in rapid succession. "It's got to sound realistic, like a serious problem. Something out of their adolescent capabilities that will lead them to reveal themselves by their belief."

Dear Naughty Nell:

I suffer from a serious addiction to a very natural act. Being a Jedi I'm fully aware of the need to control emotions and desires, for this reason I have managed to remain abstinent for a good many years.

Recently I've been seeing someone whom I'm very fond of and fear that involvement in a relationship may prove hazardous to his health.
I'm a very exhausting individual and though this friend is big and powerfully built, I'm afraid pursuing a friendship with me may prove fatal.
As much as it pains me to admit my last friend did not survive the relationship.

I don't know where else to turn.

H.L.

Mace stared at the screen with bulging eyes, his mouth hanging open. Nudging Qui-Gon, he winked lasciviously.

"Tell me Leona," Mace asked with a smile that spanned his entire face, "is this imagination or reality?"

Getting up from the chair, she reached down, pressing the send button.

Looking at him with a small smile, Leona answered, "Wouldn't you like to know?" and walked away from the holo connection.

"I'll make some tea while we wait for a response." she said leaving the two men to look at the screen once again then each other.

 

Simeon and Letina made their lone way back to the healers. Jemmiah was still waiting to get her hand seen to, and Obi-Wan had decided to stick with her in the hope that the wounded might be able to offer succor and comfort to each other in whatever way possible. That had proven to be a laugh, Simeon thought happily. The sight of Kenobi trying to kiss and make up with a large Bacta beak on his snout had almost taken away the lingering memory of all those bedpans?

With the promise of following them back in due course, they had sloped back to Jemmiah?s place and let themselves in.

?You make a start on cleaning the blood from the carpet.? Simeon seated himself by the still activated terminal.
?Why?? Frowned Letina.
?Because it looks like a murder scene.? Simeon answered.
?No, I meant why me? You?ve got two arms as well.?
?Well.? Simeon shrugged. ?I mean, it?s obvious isn?t it. You?re a woman??

Before he knew it, Letina had whipped him off his feet, hands on collar, and held him just a few vital inches away from the red stained carpet.

?Men bleed VERY easily, don?t they??

Simeon swallowed. ?I?ll clean the carpet, shall I??
?Sensible boy.? She released her hold on him and stalked over to the holo terminal.

She studied the messages, open-mouthed.

?Oh, I have GOT to do this one!?

*****************************

Leona came back armed with a tray laden with mugs of steaming hot stim-tea. She listened, amused, as she heard the two Jedi master s excitedly discussing their next campaign of terror.

?Let?s make this REALLY good.? Mace rubbed his hands together. ?Why not pick one of the padawans??
?Like?? Jinn prompted.
?I don?t know. How about your padawan? Or Simeon Cates, Dimallie or Ambianca?? They grinned at each other suddenly.
?Sal-Fina!? both chorused together in glee.
?Why not go for the icing on the cake.? Qui-Gon smiled.
?Who??
?Jemmiah.?
?It?s more than my life?s worth.?
?What? You coward!? Jinn taunted.
?She?ll kill us.? Windu warned, not looking unduly frightened.
?I?m not scared.? Qui-Gon responded.

Mace thought about it.

?Ok. Jemmiah, Obi-Wan and Sal-Fina, and anyone else we can come up with.?
?Done.? Qui-Gon shook his friend?s hand.
?Aren?t you going to read your reply.? Leona smiled, as she looked round Qui-Gon?s broad shoulder at the screen.
?Whoa!? Mace said. ?Let?s see what advice has been dispensed to the afflicted.?

They all sat down with their hands round their mugs, reading the answer.

Dear Oppo R,

This is all very distressing for you, I?m sure, but help is at hand!

What you need to do is invest in several pairs of ladies silk stockings and sew them together. It will reduce the static wonderfully and will prevent hair loss. When you walk, there will be only a minimum of friction. You need never be afraid to shake someone by the hand again for fear of shocking anyone. But I would be very careful if you should ever find yourself walking into a bank incase they mistake you for an undesirable customer?

Don?t concern yourself with the amount of hair you?ve got, or if it falls out from time to time. You should be grateful that it grows back in. It doesn?t always happen; there are certain persons on the council who can testify to that.

Most females find hairy males very exciting. That would also explain why certain members of the council don?t have a good track record in the romance department.

Finally, if things are getting too much for you and those split ends are getting you down, why not try something else.

How about an all over body wax?

Yours follicley,

Naughty Nell.

PS, If the other council member?s find your hair in their crevices, I?d say it was a case of bad housekeeping on their part.

Qui-Gon and Leona sat quaking with laughter, silent tears streaming down their faces. Mace stared at the screen as if it had just personally declared war on him.

?What!? He yelled indignantly. ?What does it mean, ?not a good track record in the romance department!? I do very well thank you!?
?Calm down, Mace.? Jinn

 

Qui-Gon wracked his brains for all of five seconds.

Dear Naughty Nell,

I am having a lot of problems with the Healers. I seem to spend my entire life in the infirmary, and if it?s not me with my leg in a sling then it?s invariably my master. This is beginning to affect my love life, as you can imagine. It?s very difficult to kiss someone when your head is swathed in bandages. Sometimes, there?s not an inch of me that?s not in plaster (yes, I mean literally).

My girlfriend says whilst most men smell of aftershave, I smell of Bacta, and that I?ve been patched up so often that she?s afraid she might cause me some permanent damage. She also says that she won?t have a shower with me because I?ve got more perforations than a sponge.

I hyperventilate at the very thought of a hypodermic, or even a thermometer. It brings me out in a nasty rash all over (which means I have to go to the healers) and my girlfriend doesn?t like that much.

I?m beginning to wonder if the Healer?s have me marked out as a laboratory specimen. They?ve even unofficially named a ward after me. The last time I was whisked in after a ?water related incident? there was a sign hanging on the end of the bed with my name written on it- and ?welcome back? underneath!

My medical bills are proving extortionate to say the least and shares in Bacta have trebled since I became a padawan!
Please help me Naughty Nell, you?re my only hope!
OWK.

It struck him that perhaps he was being just a little bit unfair to his padawan, but then he mentally shrugged with indifference and pushed the thought aside. He wanted to see the reply his letter got. It might prove very revealing?

The further worrying thought stuck him, that if Leona ever found out that he had sent a letter earlier regarding their fledgling relationship, she would do something Sithly to him with a pair of tweezers?

 

?I?m sorry, Ben.? Jemmiah looked at her boots. ?I guess I didn?t realize my own strength.?
?I?ll say.? Kenobi retorted. ?What am I going to say to my master when he sees me like this??
?I thought you liked me to be rough with you.? She joked.

He glared. ?You really owe me for this.? He pointed at his nose.?
?It?ll heal just fine. Another ten or so hours and you won?t even know you?ve broken it.?
?Ten hours too long.? He groused. ?If one more person comes up to me to ask if I want a piece of Corellian Cuttlefish, I am going to scream very loudly.?

He stopped as they rounded the corner to her flat.
?Think we?ve got any surprises waiting for us on the Holonet?? He grinned.

*********************************

The surprise was not one that Obi-Wan took very kindly too.

?But that?s ME!? He waved his hands impotently at the screen.
?I?m glad you recognized yourself.? Jemmy added dryly.
?How?how is this possible? Someone?s having a laugh at me!?
?Yes, us!? Simeon grinned. ?Calm down, Obi.?
?Calm down? This is positively slanderous and he says ?calm down?. I don?t believe it!?
?It?s only slanderous if it?s not true, Ben, and sadly it is.? Jemmiah sighed. ?Who could be doing this??
?I don?t know.? Kenobi frowned deep enough to crack his face in two. ?But I am going to find out if it kills me!?

Jemmiah sat down to reply:

Dear OWK,

Having your leg in a sling is not good as it?s more difficult for the blood to pump to your lower extremities, although some people would quite like the idea of being tied down to a bed in bandages. Does your girlfriend know that the plaster on your master?s leg is affecting your love life? Kissing someone swathed in bandages can sometimes be a bonus, especially if you want to forget what they look like?

When you say there?s not an inch of you which isn?t in plaster, I hope you were not referring to specific measurements. For your sake.

There?s nothing wrong with patching a much loved and well-worn object. Just remember that well-worn objects tend to get discarded sooner or later in favor of something a little less threadbare. You can only darn a hole so often before the original sock disappears. It sounds as if you have a few toes poking through already?

If your girlfriend gets fed up with the rash, she can try joining the dots. That should keep her mind (and yours) off your skin problem. Until the next time you turn into a walking pustule.

It?s better to have a ward named after you than a tombstone. And don?t worry about being seen as a laboratory creature. I?m sure they?ve seen many specimens in the infirmary. What water related incident? Did you persuade your girlfriend to have that shower after all?

If you are worried about medical bills: DON?T.

You could be dead tomorrow.

Hope you are well,

Naughty Nell.

?You can?t put that!? Kenobi gasped as he read over Jemmiah?s shoulder.

She pressed the button.

?I just did!? She smiled.

 

Qui-Gon sat and read the reply with total astonishment.

Well, he thought, whoever wrote that it certainly was NOT Obi-Wan.

He had considered that possibility, but knew that there was no way his padawan would write something like that about himself. The boy did have some pride. And the bit about the shower was artistic license.

He hoped.

If he ever caught the pair of them together in a situation like that, it would take more than An-Paj to stitch him back together again afterwards?

?What now?? Mace grumbled. ?We?re no further forward to catching them out than we were before.?
?Let?s do Jemmiah.? Qui-Gon said finally.
He knew that he?d said earlier to Mace that he reckoned the Corellian girl was innocent of this particular crime, but something pricked at his fingers. Perhaps the force was trying to tell him something.

Dear Naughty Nell,

I am having trouble with my boyfriend. He has the most disgusting habits!

For starters, he snores. Like all men he denies this, but he most certainly does! He doesn?t change his socks for the best part of a week. He also eats non-stop like a total Gamorrean and drains his Master?s supply cupboards within minutes. When he eats he gets most of it all down his front.

He also has a disturbing fetish for uniforms (especially the school variety). I?m beginning to worry about buying him that holocam he asked for on his birthday. I mean, you read such strange things about people. When I said that I fancied something in leather for my birthday, I didn?t expect to see him tied up in a bow wearing a thong! And when he mentioned making our relationship more binding, the gift of the fur lined wrist manacles was not quite what I expected.

I?m beginning to wonder if I?ve hooked up with a bit of a pervert!

I would appreciate your advice before he manages to untie himself from his chains,

Yours,

JG.

?Sith! They don?t really get up to that sort of thing, do they?? Windu chuckled.
?Do you really think I?d let them?? Qui-Gon replied.

Leona gulped.

Now would not be a good time to mention the recent incident in the cantina cellar on top of the games table...

 

It was Jemmiah?s time to gasp in amazement.

?I don?t believe this!? She yelped as if scalded. ?I would never say anything like that about you.? She looked affronted. ?There?s no way, Ben?except for maybe that bit about the socks.? She paused. ?And possibly the food. The rate you shovel food away is incredible. Where it all goes to I don?t know. It?s like watching a Sarlacc or something.?
?Thanks.? Blinked Obi-Wan.
?And you do drop crumbs everywhere.? She added.
?What, is this national ?Let?s have a go at Obi-Wan? day and I wasn?t told about it?? He frowned at his girlfriend.

She looked at him in surprise.

?You?re getting really tetchy in your old age.? She said finally.
?Great. I?m tetchy, messy, greedy AND unhygienic. Anything else you want to add whilst you?re at it?? Kenobi bristled.
?Uh-oh.? Letina sighed, ?they?re at it again.?
?And I?ve just put the carpet cleaner away!? Simeon replied.
?I just happen to agree with one or two points in this letter.? Jemmiah shrugged. ?Somebody knows you VERY well.?
?In that case, why didn?t they say that you were a nymphomaniac, flirtatious, Corellian streetwalker.? Obi-Wan burst out.

The room went deadly silent.

After a pause, Jemmiah stalked out the room and slammed the door that led off to her bedroom. It was followed shortly thereafter by the sound of something being smashed against the wall.

?I didn?t even mean any of that.? Obi-Wan was stunned.
?Are you going to go in there and tell her that?? Simeon gulped.
Obi-Wan fingered the Bacta beak on his nose. ?Maybe I?ll let her cool down a bit first.? He replied.
?Good.? Simeon said. ?Just make sure all the sharp things in this flat are under lock and key before you do it.?
?That was a REAL argument!? Letina whistled. ?It must be love, Obi.?
?Love doesn?t stop people from murdering each other.? Kenobi mumbled, eyeing the screen.

Well, whoever you are, I just want you to know that you?ve probably managed to split up my girlfriend and I.

?Simeon, you do this one. I?m going to work on my apology speech.?
?You think you?d have it off pat by now.? Cates suggested.
?I?m refreshing my memory.?

He stared towards the direction of Jemmiah?s room, where an eerie silence now prevailed.

?I may be some time.? He muttered.

 

Simeon started to tap away on the keypad.

Dear JG,

If your boyfriend snores, I suggest you tell him that you?ve mad an audio recording of what he sounds like. Then play back the sound of two Flipperphants mating. It?ll either send him straight round to the healers to see if he has any medical problems or he?ll keep the recording to play back to his friends and tell them that they were his ?bedroom noises.? Which would be correct.

From a certain point of view.

Alternatively, you could take one of the great unwashed socks and stick it in his mouth the next time he starts sounding like someone with a tree saw. He?ll either wake up at the terrible smell and thereafter change his socks every day (thus killing two birds with one stone) or alternatively he might die of asphyxiation (again killing two birds with one stone). Either way you can?t lose.

Doesn?t change his socks, leaves a mess whenever he eats?I think he just wants to be mothered and looked after. Buy him a bib. Put those chains you mentioned to good use. Wind them round the refrigeration unit. If he doesn't stop munching he?s going to get a bit of a paunch, and face it nobody wants to sleep with Atilla the Hutt!
He sounds kinky enough as it is.

I?d be worried about the holocam. Make sure you take plenty of incriminating pics of him first.

Then forward them to me.

Be sure he wears his sock? somewhere. Then threaten to cut the toes off if he doesn?t change them more often.

Oh, and please make sure those pictures are of a suitable size to send.

Yours in anticipation,

Naughty Nell.

Letina frowned. ?Whatever turns you on, Simeon.?
?I?m trying to think like a woman.? Simeon retorted. ?It?s not something I pretend to understand.? He stood up and looked about him, watching as Obi-Wan paced up and down. The padawans lips moved silently, rehearsing such well-known phrases as ?Jemmiah I?m sorry,? and ? How about we kiss and make up,? and his personal favorite ?it?s not my fault!?

After a moment, Kenobi straightened his tunic and breathed out dramatically. ?Those of us who are about to die salute you.? He muttered as he steeled himself to open Jemmiah?s door.

?It was nice knowing you!? Letina called.
?If I?m not out in ten minutes, come and rescue me.? He gulped.

*******************************

Qui-Gon looked at Leona.

?Who next?? He asked, beginning to enjoy himself.
Leona knew exactly whom she wanted to lampoon.

?Let?s do An-Paj!?