Phx A question for all you Mom's and not so long ago teenagers.

Sorry if this rambles and doesnt make sense. It's late, or early, depending on how you look at it.

As most of you know Teresa is with us every moment possible and we're still waiting to find out if she is coming to live with us full time (I'm gonna learn to say "NO" one of these days, really I am )

It feels kind of strange sometimes because she came into our lives well before the problems with Maryna started, yet, close enough sometimes it feels like it was part of the problem (sharing "parents" and having a "sibling" so close to your age and so different and such)I miss Maryna very much but am unwilling to neglect one child for another, no matter where they came from or how they came into our lives.

With that being said.. It's very interesting to see the changes in Teresa over the last 2 months, she seems to be thriving here and she loves just the simple attention. Jeff taught her to play chess the other night and I think he may have let her win a game or two, but boy did she have fun.

She and I have been baking for the last couple of days... something she's never gotten to do and she loved it.

Kre and DH came to visit last night and the next thing I know Kre asks her to "run and errand" with her... They are gone for a bit, and come back and Kre's gotten her a Tarot Deck... She hasn't let it out of her hands for more than about 2 minutes... lol

She had a little friend over this weekend that she grew up with when she was in grade school that moved to Mesa a couple years ago. She's never been able to have her over because her friend has Asthma and can't be in the cloud of smoke that looms in Teresa's Mom and Step Father's apartment.

And it doesnt seem to be the money. When she asks for things it's stuff she needs. Like shampoo and sanitary stuff and a jacket because she didn't have one and even then when she asked about looking for one she asked if we could stop by Good Will and look (which my mother "grandma" of all people bought her a really nice one as well as some makeup and perfume)but she seems to just crave attention and she appears to shine when she gets it.

Perhaps this is just a front, but it's been a couple months and she seems to be consistant. She's made herself very at home in the nursery and is very verbally protective of her space. She brought every piece of clothes (which isn't much) and every personal item with her when she came over for Christmas vacation. We unpacked everything and while she was gone with Kre, I finished what laundry she had started (she brings her clothes over and even if they aren't dirty she washes everything because she doesn't want to smell like smoke) and put it all on hangers or in drawers. But it's cute and kinda sad at the same time because I don't know what stability we can show her yet..but she walked in and saw that I had put all her stuff away and she puffed up like someone had put wind in her sails and ever since she's been very.. Ohh I left it in MY room, or MY bed, MY closet etc.

about 3 weeks ago I took her to have her hair styled at a salon. Just a cut and some highlights. It was the FIRST time she had ever gotten to go to a salon. She got her eyebrows waxed too.. another first

Maryna and I got her some makeup and showed her how to put it on. She was wearing very gothic style dark makeup. It's still a little more than I'd like around the eyes, but it's a huge improvement.

I guess the biggest change that I have noticed is her honesty and obedience. Her Mom told us "horror stories" about what a bad and difficult child she is. We sat her down when we realized she would be spending time here with us and gave her the rules. Black and white this is what is expected of you and you will obey (peroid) She's very obedient with us and her mom told us that she's changed significantly. She's quit ditching school, and she's getting better grades and she hasn't been grounded (which apparently before was a constant thing by her stepfather amongst a lot of other stuff we won't go into here).

I'm just very hesitant to think that this

 

Kids respect adults who set boundaries and love them within those boundaries. "This is what you are allowed to do and I expect you to obey this".

Will she keep being consistent? God only knows but she is human. Don't hold her to a measuring stick. If she messes up, be ready to love her anyway but bring her back to the expectation of behavior. Love and forgiveness are essential.

 

I think it is the fact that you're showing a vested interest in her and that you're setting boundaries. Kids feel their lives are more chaotic without those boundaries. They act out more and resent parents who don't set boundaries. Plus, you don't do some of the stuff that she obviously hates, for instance, smoking.

Trust yourself, you're a better mother than you think.

 

Sometimes kids just need the right attention. To be told they are good at some things, to be told they can be what they want and the world isn't as dark a place as they can sometimes see it. Love, pure and simple, given to a child is the absolute best gift they can recieve.

I think you guys are doing a WONDERFUL job, and being some of the best people I know with hearts so big they fill the room you're in!
I guess I'm just saying, it doesn't matter where the improvement has come from, just that there IS this improvement and you ARE nurturing that growth!

 

Speaking as someone who works with troubled youth... What you have done is a wonderful and difficult thing. It sounds to me like you have done exactly what was needed.

Now, as to whether or not this change is permanent... Depends... Some kids are very maleable, and they will adapt and respond to the environment they are in out of survival. If they live in an "out of control" environment, they will be out of control. A structured environment also tends to bring out that same structured behavior.

As for the tricky part, if you can create a nuturing and supportive, yet structured environment that she feels safe enough to allow you to see her true self then you have been successful. Many times these kids work very hard at being what others want of them, and lose sight of who and what they are. If you can allow her to reach that safe place where she can see those things within herself and bring them to the surface.

Right now she is going through the "perfect child" syndrome. She will do anything to keep your image of her in tact out of a survival instinct that she may not even be conscious of.

All in all, I'd say that you should keep up what you are doing. Consistency is the key element that kids need, next to love of course. My only advice would be to not be too surprised if the "honeymoon period" ends, and prepare for the things that may arise from that eventuality.







Pretty good for a person with no kids, huh?

 

I just want to say that she is a very sweet kid, and if you guys ever want me to come out to your house to hang out with you guys, let me know. I'm a phone call away.



Oh, wait.




PM sent with number. lol.

 

I personally don't think you could possibly be doing any more than you already are. With what she has apparently gone through previously, I think her appreciation for what she's getting will last for a while. The best thing you can do is keep doing what your doing and keep up with the discipline.

Having recently been a teenager, a solid level of strictness is a GOOD thing. My parents were really quite strict until they realized that was able-bodied enough and smart enough to understand the ways of things, which, for me, happened at about 17. In their eyes, I had matured enough.

But different kids mature at different ages, and a lack of structure and rules will draw that timeline out significantly...you're fairly lucky you got her at what seems to be a very maleable age. Take advantage of that, and God Bless.