Saga A Saga of Unfortunate Events, Book the First: The Sulky Slave (TPM, tragicomic) - 2/3: Chapter 2 up!

WARNING: READING THIS FANFIC WILL LIKELY RESULT IN SEVERE MELANCHOLY.


[image=http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v348/caliekitty/sulkyslavebutton.jpg]


***

Dear Reader,

I can only hope you have unintentionally clicked the wrong link, and that now your little cursor is scampering to hit the ?Back? button. I can only pray you would not willingly subject yourself to the horrors within this fanfic when you might be spared.

To preserve your innocence, I would highly recommend not reading about the following things you are likely to find in this miserable tale alone: bossy holograms, grumpy queens, confounding local dialects, and irritating childhood nicknames.

I have entrusted Fate with these tales, as it seemed fitting. But there is no reason why you, dear reader, must proceed further.


With all due respect,

Riskeny Pickett


***


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ For Fate
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Why, you cruel vixen? Why?


***

Prologue


If you are looking for a cheery fanfic, in which charming characters dance giddily about maypoles, have crumpets in the light of the afternoon suns, then jump to hyperspace with minimal effort and amid a fountain of falling stars, you would be better off reading some other fanfic entirely, for such things as maypoles, crumpets, and laziness imply a happy tale, and as much as it pains me to admit it, this fanfic simply is not. In fact, I resent the very term ?fanfic? as a matter of principle. A fanfic, as you are likely aware, is a private interpretation of a popular film or series of books that, while often clever, is seldom verifiable by actual fact. Not so this tale. I defy you to prove otherwise, with the fierce hope that the process of doing so will keep you too preoccupied to read any further.

I continue.

A maypole, as you probably know, is a sturdy piece of wood or metal with colorful streamers attached to it, by which dancers swing merrily about to celebrate the first of May for reasons that entirely escape me. But if you should be so foolhardy as to read this depressing fanfic, while you may well encounter characters in the act of screaming, ?Mayday! Mayday!?, they will likely be doing so while plummeting to their deaths, instead of in the spirit of festive cheer.

And crumpets, as you no doubt have heard, are circular strips of stale cake often accompanied by tea and polite conversation. But there is very little cake to be found in this dismal story, either stale or otherwise, no tea at all, and conversation that is impolite to the extreme, a phrase which here means, ?rude, insulting, and not at all the sort of communication you?d expect to find at a tea party.?

Finally, though you will probably notice a few conveniently-timed hyperspace jumps peppered throughout this distressing fanfic, and though they will often be accompanied by meteor showers, they will nonetheless be hyperspace jumps filled with misery, discomfort, and ration bars, which are far staler than the stalest piece of yeasted flour to be found on any world.

In the face of all these dismal facts, it would be far better for you to put this fanfic down right away and click on something cheerier, rather than persisting in reading something so wretched, so utterly appalling, so brimming with tormenting torture and tortuous torment that you are bound to find yourself in the throes of sorrow, a phrase which here means, ?weeping, gnashing your teeth, and tearing your hair out.?

I do not particularly enjoy writing stories such as these, and yet it is my sad duty to do so, that the truth behind this woeful tale might finally be seen, in spite of all the propaganda, a word which here means, ?cups, t-shirts, and beverages that all display the same attractive logo, that the unassuming masses might be collectively misled, a phrase which here means ?tricked, the lot of them, into spending their last bits of paper currency on the products so heavily advertised.?? But in spite of my noble mission, I wish I could tell you a happy tale, in which

 

Count me in! I can't wait to see what happens next. The prologue was wonderful.

 

Fate: *cackles* Excellent. Glad you'll be along for the ride, LukestheMan.

Riskeny Pickett: *sighs* I warn them, but they never listen. It's always the same - I always warn them...

 

Can't wait for your next post! Very nice work mimicking all the aspects of A Series of Unfortunate Events, I love that author's style of writing, and I love Star Wars! Interesting combination, keep me posted on your next update

 

Dear Riskeny Pickett, I have been warned, and I'm still foolhardy enough to follow your lead in this dark, dank and dangerous journey.

Lead where ye will!

 

Fate, and you claim I'm a morose addict! Look at you! So funny! Love the comment about May day...

 

Dear Riskeny Pickett,

Unfortunately, I am not looking for a cheery fanfic, in which charming characters dance giddily about maypoles, have crumpets in the light of the afternoon suns, then jump to hyperspace with minimal effort and amid a fountain of falling stars. Therefore, I would conclude that I have found exactly the story to suit my tastes. I would be rather pleased if I could read the first chapter of your new book soon.

Yours,
Valiowk

 

*giggles* I am just now starting to read the Unfortunate Events books with Violet, Klaus and Sunny and this fanfic's title caught my eye........ I'm definitely in for reading it!

 

Wow! That was great. I can't wait to read more, despite the horrors and pain it might introduce me to.

 

Wow! *addicted immediately* More, please!

 

Fate: This is awesome.

Salmeera: Thanks so much. I've adored those books ever since The Bad Beginning, mostly due to Mr. Snicket's incredible sense of writing style. I actually listened to most of them on tape - all of the ones narrated by Tim Curry. Riskeny Pickett would have liked Mr. Curry's help with this particular endeavor, but sadly, it's a no-go.

(By the way, I love your icon and sig.)

ithesock: I'm glad you liked it - Pickett's doing an awesome job. I'm glad I got picked to be Pickett's representative - for once, my screenname came in handy.

DarthIshtar: *laughs* Trust me, I had nothing to do with it. There I was, minding my business... but we all know how that story tends to end.

Valiowk: *nods gravely* I will convey your good wishes to Pickett at once.

Jedi_Liz: I love those books, especially little Sunny. They just kept getting better and better. Unfortunately, I've read them all, so now I have to wait for more.

Vague: Addicting, isn't it? The actual books are even more harrowing, but don't tell Pickett I said that.

EmilieDarklighter: *grins* Great, isn't it? I'm glad you'll be along for the ride.

---

Riskeny Pickett: I prithee, be so good as to ignore the unbridled optimism of my giddy representative. For my part, I am unable to decide whether to be grateful that I am not alone in my quest for peace and resolution in this weary galaxy, or to bemoan the fact that such a dizzying amount of foolhardiness should be compressed within this thread.


[b]Salmeera:[/b] *nods* Thank you for your support. I have more than once attempted to contact the elusive Mr. Snicket, but he has repeatedly rebuffed my offers, else I would pass your admiration on to him. However, much against my better judgment, I shall indeed keep you informed as to the progress of this woeful tale.

[b]ithesock:[/b] *shakes head* I can only hope that at this story's dismal end, you will still be rejoicing with the aid of emoticons.

[b]DarthIshtar:[/b] I might have known that my representative would claim credit for herself - she can be quite insolent. But I assure you that I, and I alone, have put in the research necessary to compile such a tale. [b]Fate[/b] has the bad habit of gallivanting with pirates, and is now sadly, largely due to their vile influence, anything but reliable.

Also, I note the grim spirit of your icon, and I rejoice that such an annoyingly cheerful creature will soon pass out of this life forever.


Dear [b]Valiowk:[/b]

Ah. A 'kindred spirit', as a spunky, red-headed girl once put it. Very well. At least you are under no illusions as to the content of this ghastly tale. Proceed with caution.

With all due respect,
Riskeny Pickett


[b]Jedi_Liz:[/b] I am sure I speak in behalf of the fabled Mr. Snicket himself when I beg you, in the name of all you hold dear, to toss that horror-laden book into the nearest incinerator while you still can.

[b]Vague:[/b] You may change your tune when the true horror begins, but for the moment, I am grateful for your support.

[b]EmilieDarklighter:[/b] My dear young woman, I am sure I could think of a good many things better for your health. I suggest you cultivate an addiction to "Dora the Explorer" instead, for indeed she is so cheerful, my tainted soul can hardly bear to think of her.


Thank you all for your expressions. You may expect more on Monday, should I live that long.[/i]

 

Dear Mr Pickett,

Or Riskney, if I may be so bold. Which I frequently am. In fact, I am often told I am a most impertinent creature, and it is this lamentable character trait which has forced my attention to this tale.

My master has instructed me to read your words carefully, so that I may recieve wisdom from learning about the folly, woe and misery that is the inevitable consequence of the character and action of the protagonists, and thus warned, turn away from my hitherto wayward nature.

I'm sure you will convey the necessary stern moral warning which my master seeks, although I hope for a ripping good yarn in the meantime. I really only have one more question for you: given that Fate is transcribing this story for you, (and in the light of your previous correspondance) are there likely to be pirates? I'm very fond of piratical adventure.

Yours sincerely,

Myth.

 

Fate, this is simply delicious! You've captured Lemony Snicket's voice so beautifully that I'm really impressed! Wonderful beginning

 

Heh heh heh... I cannot wait for an update. This looks very promising, and despite the fact that it will no doubt be riddled with misfortune and woe, I must beg of you to count me in.

 

Riskeny Pickett: Regrettably, the following chapter has been delayed due to circumstances beyond my control, chief among which being the fact that Fate decided to spend the weekend gallivanting by the seashore instead of retrieving my notes as requested, leaving me to privately despair of ever getting this first installment to the general public. Fortunately, the suspense is at now an end. Unfortunately, more suspense is soon to follow, as I must now respond to the kind, if foolhardy, readers that I chanced to miss before.


My Dear Myth (if I may be so bold as to assume you so),


The sweet words of your warm letter were greatly appreciated, particularly on such a bitterly cold evening. I savored them as I drank my thin broth, and felt better, if only for a moment.

Although I must lament the deplorably bad literary taste your master evidently possesses, I cannot fault with such a summary of this sad tale, and can only hope you may glean from it all that you wish, in spite of the fact that alas! there will be no pirates. Before you deface your monitor, let me assure you that Fate is disappointed as well.


With all due respect,

Riskeny Pickett


PS: Boldness is an admirable quality, one that I hope you will never lose.



LadyPadme: *sighs* Even in her absence, Fate has laid claim to the fruits of my labor. Very well, milady. I will convey your good wishes.


Siaynoqsbride: I shall indeed 'count you in'. I shall count you in the rapidly increasing number of precocious - if woefully foolhardy - individuals I have had the fortune of communicating with. I only hope you will not sob too bitterly - my last handkerchief was confiscated quite some time ago.


I thank you all again for your kind words, and should you wish to speak to Fate - though I cannot imagine why - she will hopefully reply to my repeated correspondence within a day or so. At the moment, my informants tell me that she is sleeping, and so I have been forced to break into this internet café and -

But they are approaching. I must post this chapter at once, or all will be lost.

- R. P.

---

Chapter I


If you have stubbornly persisted in reading this fanfic, it is not for lack of effort on my part, so I certainly cannot be held liable, a word which here means ?responsible for any injury you may choose to inflict upon yourself, your family members, or your public terminal while in the throes of despair.? But if I were you ? alas, I am not ? I would damage none of the above, and particularly not the third, since public terminals are, by their very definition, items belonging to the community at large, and are thus not yours to bash in simply because you are angry. Regardless of what the tragic results of your violent outburst may be, however, it gives me comfort to know that I cannot possibly be blamed for them. Civil suits can be expensive, after all, and not only am I not made of money, but as I am rudely stripped of what little paper currency I possess whenever I am forced to leave the country, any legal action taken against me could quite literally cost me an arm and a leg, particularly if such legal action took place on Tatooine, which is a ghastly desert planet that will unfortunately feature prominently in this saga, a phrase which here means ?be visited over and over again, though once is really more than enough.?

I digress. You will find that I frequently digress. You will also find that I leap from one topic to another with very poor syntax - a phrase which here means ?lengthy sentences and too many commas? - and possess the infuriating habit of interrupting myself mid-sentence for no good



If you should ever have the opportunity to visit another country, or even to encounter a culture vastly different from your own, you will likely notice a few local customs right away. The citizens of the land you are visiting might all bow as they greet you, for instance. Or perhaps they will shove you heartily beside their fire and insist that you share a kola

 

My dear Ricketty,

I should hate to comment on my master's dubious literary taste in public, but since your wise discernment has already noted this minor flaw in my master's otherwise impeachable character, I feel quite comfortable in admitting what is obvious to a learned man such as yourself.

However, in an effort to please my master I have begun a list of the various moral lessons I have learnt from this scurrilous tale:

Chapter One

1)Public property should not be wantonly destroyed, regardless of extremities of emotion.
2)Foreign cultures will have strange customs: be grateful when you escape unscathed.
3)Invading other countries is rude.
4)Curling upper lip in gesture of withering contempt is useful marker of evilness, and preferably should be practised in private, in front of mirror, before displaying in attempt to bully minions.

I look forward adding to my list, but I must go and find a suitable (and flattering!) mirror,

Yours fondly,

Myth.

 

Dear Mythos,


It does my tainted soul good to see such wisdom in one so young. You have learned well, and I compliment you on your excellent, extensive, and effervescent vocabulary.

As evidence of my gratitude, I will pass on a bit of wisdom I have only recently learned. Listen carefully. Or read thoroughly, if you like.

Now, then. If you should ever happen across a tale so appalling, so utterly wretched, that you can do no other than learn all you can about it, you will likely begin waking up in the night, drenched in cold sweat. You will probably realize that the cure to your ailment is a simple one: namely, that you must share this miserable tale with as many people as possible. But how can you, in good conscience, foist such misery upon your fellowperson? By ensuring they will never read it, naturally.

I will tell you how. If your initial warning fails to stimulate an appropriate amount of terror - if you should actually discover people flocking to learn about your dreary experiences rather than fleeing the country, as common sense would dictate - you must then take drastic action. One way to do this is by posting the latest installment of your fic at an hour when other, saner souls are happily in bed. That way, by the time the sun has risen, and the saner souls have broken their respective fasts, the sheer volume of posts in the board you have chosen to host your woeful fanfic within will have pushed the said fanfic down several pages. Only the most tenacious of readers will dig that deeply for something so miserably obscure, a phrase which here means "depressing and difficult to understand", but you will be able to sleep in peace.

Such is my lesson. I only hope you were taking notes.



With all due respect,

Riskeny Pickett

 

To,
Riskeny Pickett
Chronicler Extraordinaire of Events Equally Extraordinary

Dear Sir,

With reference to your latest instalment of 'The Sulky Slave', I lay before you my own humble impressions of your efforts at chronicling the events that occur on a planet of little strategic importance. The presence of grumpy Jedi, coining phrases such as 'from a certain point of view', snatching drinks from frantic droids is entertaining, to say the least. I find the introduction of the cowardly Neimodians equally intriguing - despite that fact that he cowers before a projection of blue light - a villain undoubtedly. I expect, therefore, the introduction of a beautiful damsel in distress, who will be attired in flowing skirts and be the epitome of feminine delicacy.

Verily, you present tales of great mystery, intrigue, and plotting, infused with examples of human frailty of which cowardice is not the least. I entertain great hopes of this Saga being touted as an example of excellent values, worthy of being read industriously by a multitude of readers.

In great hopes that you will continue to unfold future events of 'The Sulky Slave',

I remain,
Your willing reader,
ithesock.

 

Dear Riskenny,

Despite all your warnings to the contrary, I have found your tale to be a delightful recounting of a saga of woe. Pray do carry on, and I shall be eagerly (that means with great anticipation) awaiting your next installment.

Sincerely,

LadyPadme

 

I will not listen. (---> I just bought #8 to take with me to read on vacation.)

Alas, I might not see the next update as I leave for parts unknown very soon, a phrase here that means "Yet another vacation to the state of Colorado"

 

Whatever happened to this story?

 

Fate: I'm afraid that I happened, fie for shame. Not just me; RL helped, too. But this is boring. *clap-claps regally*

A worn, exhausted Riskeny Pickett appears - frail, anemic, and crinkling at the edges.

Fate (with satisfaction): There. I've dug him up. You may direct all complaints to him.

Riskeny (wheezing): H-hello.

Fate (impatiently}: Well? Get on with it. We've no time for histrionics here.

Riskeny: I begin herewith.

To,
ithesock

Dear Sir,

I thank you for your title. Alas! fatigue prevents me from dredging up the faculty to match it. And so, to speak briefly, your summary was accurate, succinct, and more enjoyable than anything so tainted with woe has any right to be. I despair that I cannot match it. Months of unwilling quietude have clouded my senses; I only pray I may continue to keep my vow to expose the sinister truth behind the events and characters we've been cruelly led to enjoy.

I thank you, and remain,

Your weary researcher,
Riskeny Pickett


To,
LadyPadme

Dear Madam,

Alas! Alas! I cherish the hope that these terrible events will sink swiftly in the bubbly froth of star-crossed love and destiny propagated on these boards. And yet I am grateful for your kind support.


Yours despairingly,
Riskeny Pickett


To,
Jedi_Liz

Dear Madam,

You addressed your letter to my foolhardy publicist, and yet I must reply, if only to beg you to reconsider. Listen to warning, I prithee. On the other hand, perhaps you've not returned from Colorado and will wisely forget you were ever unfortunate enough to stumble across such a horrendous tale.


With all due respect,
Riskeny Pickett

PS: Unless my memory has failed me at last, I believe #8 of Mr. Snicket's unfortunate series involves a hospital of a somewhat hostile nature. I believe I express his good judgment when I say t'would be far better that your copy lie at the bottom of a bedpan than that you should read it to its completion. But I fear I am too late.

---

[i]I have been hindered for far too long. The truth about the Skywalkers must be known. I shall spend the following 72 hours compiling my notes concerning the next miserable chapter in this loathsome saga. - RP[/i]



[face_rose]

 

Dear Reader,

I don't like breaking my word. Nor do I particularly enjoy penning a paltry post. And yet, as Fate would have it, it appears I have done both within the past 132 hours, for which fact I am now weeping profusely. Enough. Here follows another segment of the sorrowful saga, if a woefully slim one.

With all due respect,

Riskeny Pickett

---

[b]Chapter 2[/b] (part 1 of 2)


It is exceedingly impolite ? a phrase which here means ?not at all the sort of behavior that would warrant you a crumpet? ? to blow up someone?s ship when you have already served them beverages. If you really must engage in acts of terrorism, a proper time to do so is always before teatime. A proper time for Nute Gunray to have blown up the Republic space cruiser, for instance, would have been as soon as its unfortunate occupants were visible on his radar screen. He might even have waited until he could clearly see the Jedi within the cockpit of the approaching ship. But it is completely and inexcusably rude to allow two people into your battleship - albeit unwillingly - keep them waiting for an extended period of time while you consult a bossy hologram, then serve them beverages at last, only to blow up their friends. As the leader of an large organization, Nute Gunray might have known better, and I was appalled to learn of his lapse in etiquette. I even began to realize why Neimodians are so disliked ? until I considered matters from Nute Gunray?s point of view, and as I am the reluctant narrator of this particular story, you will be forced to consider them as well, unless you had the good sense to leave this fic long, long ago.

Nute Gunray?s point of view stands as follows: it may indeed be rude to blow up someone else?s ship, but it is also rude to board one as an unwelcome guest. For example, just the other evening I found myself alone beside a quiet stream. The moon hung ripe and golden above my weary head, and I was in the act of trying to gain comfort from the sound the water made as it [i]ssshushed[/i] over the riverbed when I happened upon a canoe. I decided to board it, found myself in the middle of a top-secret convention, and was subsequently deported, a phrase which here means ?forced to leave Peru without a midnight snack?. So I can assure you that it is always in bad taste to board a vehicle without permission, even if it does appear to be vacant. But as rude as that may be, it is even ruder to board a vessel when you are unwelcome, [i]especially[/i] with permission, because the very fact that you have gained entry outright ? a phrase which here means ?without having to sneak aboard? ? can only mean that you have somehow managed to bully your reluctant host into letting you onboard his vessel.

Not only is it ruder to be an unwelcome guest than an uninvited one, it is also foolhardy. For if you choose to sneak aboard a battleship as an uninvited guest, your enemies will remain unaware of your presence and you will be able to conduct your business peacefully while they enjoy a quiet snack and tea-like beverages. But one is always aware when one is in the presence of an unwelcome guest. One knows it instinctively, for such people bully their way into homes and vehicles and then refuse to leave until long after consuming every tea-time snack in sight. Such people are hated. Such people are mocked. Such people are the subjects of many practical jokes. I?m sure you can see how this rule would hold true for an intergalactic battleship as well, and I certainly hope you never decide to board one as an unwelcome guest.

But the two Jedi [i]had[/i] boarded the Neimodian starship as unwelcome guests. So while the resultant loss of their interstellar vehicle was unfortunate, I can?t say I would have treated them differently, for it is difficult to remain peaceable when confronted with rude behavior, and as we have established, it is always rude to arrive in someone?s battleship as an unwelcome guest. Furthermore, these particular Jedi, in a brilliant stroke of irony, have been sent to bully the Neimod