Discussion in 'United Kingdom' started by Ooh_Aah_Cantona, Mar 7, 2002.
Sorry guys. Clean jokes or none, from now on.
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ladies and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get wood. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his
little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ... ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get wood."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?
"I couldn't even get on the bed.."
Lady Di is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
Peter asks: "Oh dear, what happened to you?"
Di answers: "I died in a car crash, but wait till you see my friend,
he looks much worse".
Half an hour later Dodi shows up and St. Peter says: "My God,
you look terrible."
Dodi replies: "This is nothing. Wait till you see my driver."
Half an hour later some bones and flesh move slowly to the Gates,
and St. Peter says: "So you're the driver?"
"No, I'm Mother Theresa.
Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the shopping centre entrance.
As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill.
idly enough, he was holding a hundred pound note in his hand.Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong.He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nineyears old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time
jobs.She made very little to support her large family.
Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred pounds to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off,by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy
presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home.
He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred pound notes and disappeared into the night.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
The boy said, "I did."
"And nobody came to help you?" I wondered.
The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired.
The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"
I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.
ROTFLMAO @ Arun. I know that's bad taste, but it cracks me up.
Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; If you have a penis, it's not time.
On behalf of women, I find that joke offensive
A man goes up to the minister at the local church. "Reverend," he said,"We have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What should I do?"
"I've noticed this and have an idea if you're up to the task," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp object.
"Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the minister's quick reply.
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. And again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr.Jones.
"My God!" howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin. "Right again!" bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face.
Before long, Mrs. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
As Mr. Jones enthusiastically poked his wife's thigh with the hatpin piercing her skin she screamed, "You stick that bloody thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen!" replied all the women in the congregation.
Just cause I felt like it.
LOL @ Garrett
You'll getchaself reputation as a slapper
I am offended by that remark TTG!
I wonder how long it'll be before someone realises that I'm not actually offended and that I just like slapping people?
THREADKILLER strikes again.
Anakin - was that a, "Hey Garrett" in a "How you doin'?" kinda tone? Heh heh
Get knotted PINKY
How you doin' EGGBERT?
Ahhh PINKY is coming onto me!!
When you shout Pinky, are you looking looking down your trousers? And are people giving you funny looks and mumbling, "EGGBERT'S gawn mental!"?