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{***A Tangle of Tears***} Obi/character tortue, JA time period, EU, slight humor, sad stuff, too.

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by Niobiie-of-Belfalas, Dec 1, 2002.

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  1. Niobiie-of-Belfalas

    Niobiie-of-Belfalas Jedi Youngling star 2

    Oct 15, 2002
    Hi! If you don't like reading long stories that aren't finished becuase the authors either drop it mid story, or take forever to post, I'll say now I've already wrote this story, and will try to post once a day.

    Usual disclamers,
    no $$ is being made,
    some character's are Jude Watson's or Geoge Lucas's.
    Some are mine, please ask if you'd like to ever use them. (not that they're interesting enough for that) :D

    I am a bad speller, give me slack if mistakes are found. ;) Critics are welcome.

    This story is nothing special, but I tried to make the plot a tiny bit less predictable. ;)


    Quick Introduction

    Seventy-two year old human Jedi Master Jennifer Uunum and her nineteen year old human apprentice, Kelper Da-Yee, were sent to the planet of Jye for negotiations during a civil war.
    They were captured by one side, and freed three weeks later.
    Jennifer Uunum died two days after being freed, from multiple tortures.
    Kelper Da-Yee returned to the temple, and was treated for her wounds.
    She never told anyone what had happened to them during those three weeks.
    At nineteen, the council decided she needed another master, but she declined.
    It was decided she could be a Jedi knight, on the conditions that she not take an apprentice until her thirtieth birthday, and that she share missions with other, older master/apprentice teams.
    Kelper went on few missions for two years.
    Then, after speaking to the council, she went on her first mission alone.
    Then many others, always to the same planet.
    She always returned safe and successful, but one time, she brought something back with her....


    Tangle of Tears

    Jedi apprentice Obi-Wan Kenobi
    squinted up at the clear, hot summer day
    sky, and tried not the fidget. He and his
    master Qui-Gon Jinn had been standing
    there for over an hour, waiting for the ship
    to arrive.

    ?A Jedi?s calm never leaves him,
    Obi-Wan,? remarked Qui-Gon. Trying not
    to smile. ?Even on a very long wait on a
    docking platform, waiting for a ship that?s
    very late.?

    ?Yes, master,? dutifully responded his apprentice.

    ?I?m sure she?ll be here soon,?
    continued Qui-Gon. ?Anyway, we leave
    tomorrow. Whether she?s here, or not.
    Kelper?s never late though.?

    ?She is now,? Obi-Wan thought.
    Instantly wishing he hadn?t, because
    Qui-Gon?s sideways glance showed he
    had picked up on the thought, or at least
    the feeling. Obi-Wan shifted his feet, and
    changed his eyes to watch the speeder
    traffic below them. Streaming along in
    the heat, like busy ants, rushing to
    wherever they were going. Rather like the
    assembly line alien workers he had seen
    on his last mission.

    About ten minutes later, Qui-Gon?s
    voice broke his musings. ?There she is.?

    A small, rather dingy black public
    transport tram came into view, and
    landed, not over gracefully, on the sleek
    dock. A small door open, and a ramp slid
    out. A tall woman, wearing a dark gray
    cloak strode out, and was followed by a
    slightly shorter figure, wearing a shabby,
    stained green cloak. The woman walked
    boldly up to them, and was followed
    cautiously by the second person.

    Qui-Gon bowed easily, ?Greetings
    Knight Kelper, it has been many years
    since I have seen you.?

    Kelper bowed in return, but said
    nothing. She was darkly tanned by the
    suns of many worlds, she had rich black
    hair, and slanted black eyes. She had
    been looking at the ground till now, and
    Obi-Wan almost jumped when she
    looked up.

    Her eyes, their shape, their color,
    looked like they should be sharp,
    snapping, glittering. They were instead,
    dull and sad. Her brows, so black and
    beautiful, were gently creased in a
    permanent frown. She looked mild, but

    ?Was your mission successful???
    asked Qui-Gon, though he knew the

    Kelper nodded, but still said nothing.

    ?Who is your young companion???

    Her dull eyes gave one strange glitter
    before sliding b
  2. Wild_Huntress

    Wild_Huntress Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jul 15, 2002
    Whoah, this looks interesting. ANd there's something about Kelper. Great start!
  3. Starkindler

    Starkindler Jedi Youngling

    Nov 9, 2002
    Cool. I've never read a story where a Jedi has a slave, it must be a big hoax. I'll keep an eye on this. ;)
  4. Sarah_K

    Sarah_K Jedi Master star 4

    Jun 10, 2001
    Guess I'll be posting tonight after all! :)

    Wow, Niobiie, I didn't realize you did drama so well! I mean, the only stuff of yours I've ever read has been the way-over-the-top, Monty-Python-esque type of thing. This will be cool!

    Kelper really has me intrigued here-- I'm not buying it (no pun intended) that she just was walking through the outer rim one mission and said, "Oh, I think I'd like someone to wash my never-dirty, never-wrinkled, never-different Jedi robes! This kid looks nice." Uh-uh. Not with a vague history like that, it's just not possible.

    Okay, that decided, why *did* she pick up the girl?? ?[face_plain] Whatever the reason, the Council sure isn't happy, but I'll just *bet* that it never occured to the writers of the Jedi Code to put in 'Don't Keep Slaves', just like it probably slipped their minds to add 'Don't Mug Old Ladies'. Such things generally go without saying. Poor Yoda. :D

    Great job on Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan!! Holding them true to their original characters can be tricky. LOL especially on Obi-Wan on the platform. ;)

    Eagerly await more!

    Sarah >^,,^<
  5. Niobiie-of-Belfalas

    Niobiie-of-Belfalas Jedi Youngling star 2

    Oct 15, 2002
    Sarah: I know what you mean about slaves probably never being addressed. I figured I could get away with it. ;) Poor Yoda always gets stuck with stuff like this.

    Never thought about that, I guess you never have read anything other than I weird humor. Believe me, I've got enough drama, but I take forever to finish.

    Wild Huntress: Thanks!

    Starkindler: ;) We'll see....

    Kelper is supposed to intrigue, she's been in a horrible situation, and nobody (hint hint :D ) knows what happened. I'm afraid the idea isn't very origanal though.

    I'm going to make myself only post once a day.
  6. SiriGallia

    SiriGallia Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jan 28, 2001
    WOW!! My girl isn't only writing humor!! *hugs Nio* I'm so proud!! Not, of course, that I don't adore your humor! ;)

    Oh this is a WONDERFUL start!! I can't wait to see how this goes!!

    You do excellent description and I really like the way you write Qui and Obi. And your Original Characters are GREAT!!!

    *starts jumping in excitment!* Can't wait for more! :D
  7. Jedi_Suzuran

    Jedi_Suzuran Jedi Knight star 5

    May 22, 2002
    Most intriguing beginning you have here. :D Can't wait for more. :)
  8. Jedi_Jewl

    Jedi_Jewl Jedi Youngling star 2

    Sep 26, 2001
    Hi-ya girl! Oh I am SOOO glad you brought this story to my attention. To think I could have missed it. :eek: ;)

    Ooooh this is SUCH an interesting plot idea. I can't wait to see more! You know something else that makes this so intriging, is it's creeeepy! I mean, that is something I can SO enjoy, though I could never write it.

    I can't wait to see what's going on!

    MAN, Nio, I had no idea you could WRITE so well! I'm so impressed. Well, a clever girl like you is bound to be good at anything, especially literature. ;) No, really, I'm not just buttering you up. It looks like you write something besides humor now. AND WELL!

    Tangle of Tears...*sigh*...I completely LOVE angst and sadness and..well..tears! Call me strange, because, well...everyone else does. :D

    Oh, let me guess. Cerasi's going to LOVE this. She loves sad things like I do. Remember when you and her sat down to read Wraith and Cast My Soul Into The Sea? That was hilarious! We couldn't peel you off the angst! :D

    Well, as Hannah and Sarah will tell you, I talk to much especially when writing reviews. And, well yes, in general. ;)

    I'll see you!

    Namarie nin maer mellon!
  9. Niobiie-of-Belfalas

    Niobiie-of-Belfalas Jedi Youngling star 2

    Oct 15, 2002
    Siri: Hey! No story would be complete without my buddy to cheer (and possibly boo) me on!! :D Sooo, cousins at in Engeland, eh? Tell Joey and the gang I said hi. (you know, that person they've never met and probably never heard of?)

    Jedi Suzuran: Hello, glad you like it!

    Jedi Jewel: Yup, I can write stuff other than humor. I actually just do humor in my in between times, when I can't do tears. But that's usually all other people read. ;)

    Sorry anyone who's reading, I would have posted earlier, but I was busy finally seeing Harry Potter and TCOS. It was so cool (that's meant for you Siri :D 8-} ) I liked it better than the first one, I really enjoyed it!

    And so, back to Star Wars....


    Obi-Wan sat on his bed and stared at the wall. What reason could any Jedi give for owning a slave, that master Yoda would think enough? And yet, tomorrow Qui-Gon, Kelper, Yannle, and he were leaving for the planet, Atad-Yamdla, where kidnappers/terrorists had kidnapped a young princess and supposedly sent her to work in the rock mines. Yannle was still Kelper?s slave, and it seemed, she would remain so.

    ?Obi-Wan,? croaked Qui-Gon from his bed on the other side of the room, making him jump. ?Would you go to sleep?? We have to leave at five in the morning, it is one o?clock now, and you haven?t slept a wink yet!?

    ?Sorry, master,? Obi-Wan lay down, and turned off his glow lamp.


    Qui-Gon stared out of the dark window. It was six o?clock, and Obi-Wan was sleeping like a dead thing. If only teens could go to bed early, and get up early, instead of the other way around. The darkness was thick and humid; the buzz of night was not fully over. Blinking lights and the whine of night speeders and buses still broke the quiet. Qui-Gon knew the planet they were going to would be cold, possibly even snow.

    Qui-Gon?s peace of mind was shattered. Even in the groggy shadows of sleep, the strange words had pounded in his ears. ?A slave, a slave.? it whispered. ?A Jedi owning a slave, the council allowing it.? How could it happen??

    He wanted to believe that it was all a big fake. That they were perhaps keeping the girl safe, or she was pretending to be a slave to help them catch someone. But at the same time, he knew it wasn?t true. The girl was a slave. She looked like a slave, she had the dull, mindless obedience of a slave. She not only acted like a thing, she also thought like a thing. A mindless possession, an object to own. He couldn?t understand Kelper wanting to own someone.

    ?What was Kelper like before her master died??? asked Obi-Wan suddenly, breaking into his thoughts.

    Qui-Gon sighed, and, without turning around, spoke. ?Though it was eight years ago, I remember Kelper well. She and Jennifer. Jennifer, kind and gentle as always, and Kelper. Eager, cheerful, bright, always ready to talk and always ready to please. Her eyes, now so dull and mournful, were bright and lovely. They were glittering and snapping with happiness. I often saw her eager smile make the most reluctant person, guard, even senator, smile and laugh. Always joking, and never serious. What a horrible change. What a horrible, ghastly change.?

    ?What happened???

    ?No one really knows,? shrugged his master. ?Jennifer was horribly killed, and that?s all I know. She?s never told anyone what happened during the three weeks Jennifer and her were captive. Never. I know they were tortured, and Jennifer died. That is all.?

    ?That?s terrible,? whispered Obi-Wan. Staring thoughtfully at the boot in his hand, as if thinking it could do something to help.

    ?Come on,? sighed Qui-Gon, trying to tear himself away from so much gloom. ?We have to be at the docking bay in half an hour. You want to cook breakfast, or should I??
    (ominous music from the kitchen ;) )


    Tell me if this format for the story is easier to read than the one I (accidently) did for the first post.
  10. Jedi_Jewl

    Jedi_Jewl Jedi Youngling star 2

    Sep 26, 2001
    Aww SO good! Yeah, this format's easier to read. Though, I don't suppose the other was all so bad either.

    Anywayz, WONDERFUL post. I like your descriptions a lot.

    Oh! Now I feel bad for Kelper...*sniff*...the whole thing with Jenny's so sad! *sniff*..... :( ...... :_| I'm already in tears! Golly girl, you can write angst! ;) Something, in my mind at least, to be SO comended! :D

    *quotes Drover* "Now I'm all sad and upset." ;)

    This is reeeally good so far! I can't wait for more!

    Namarie till then!
  11. Jedi_Jewl

    Jedi_Jewl Jedi Youngling star 2

    Sep 26, 2001
    Oh, one more thing, I updated Obi-Brat, if you're interested. Well, I dunno, after this, I don't think I can put myself back into a humor setting! :_|....sorry. *sniff* :(

    Well see you!
  12. SiriGallia

    SiriGallia Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jan 28, 2001
    Oh dear :( I have a feeling we will eventually get at least an idea of what is going on here.

    THAT IS SO SAD!!! I all ready feel really sorry for her :(

    I really really like the way you do Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan!! They both act JUST perfectly and I got a kick out of the 'sleeping early rising early' thing :D See I'm a little wierd that way I stay up late and get up early, then crash for a nap about five days after starting the trend :p

    Glad you liked HP girl!! I liked it better! :)

    Yeah, Joey knows who you are. I made SURE of that!! *laughs*

  13. Sarah_K

    Sarah_K Jedi Master star 4

    Jun 10, 2001
    That *is* horrible! I've decided Kelper must have an incredibly magnetic personality, cuz I never actually *saw* her before she'd become so withdrawn, and yet only hearing about it makes me want to cry! *realizes that she'd been warned that might happened when she first read the title* I wonder what's Latin for 'let the *reader* beware'...

    You also feel really bad for Qui-Gon, because he's having to deal with all sides of this: his previous friendship with Jennifer and Kelper, then Jenny's death, Kelper's transformation, and now this whole slave thing and all that it could be mean, all while trying to deal with Obi-Wan's odd sleeping patterns, and a new mission! Heaven's to Betsy, I'm amazed he's sleeping at all!!

    On the side: Yeah, this format's easier, thanks! :)

    And I'm SO glad you liked CoS!!! I liked it better than the first one myself. Were you surprised at the ending, or did you guess it? It was a lot harder to guess in the movie than it was in the book, I must say.

    Must bounce off! We're doing Christmas with the cousins...

    Great post!!!

    Sarah >^,,^<
  14. Niobiie-of-Belfalas

    Niobiie-of-Belfalas Jedi Youngling star 2

    Oct 15, 2002
    Jewel: Oh, I like humor any ol' time... :D Glad you like my story, I didn't realize it was this sad, maybe I should reread it.

    Siri: ;) I would of posted earlier, but the internet was crawling slower than a bantha on hoth, and I gave up.

    Sarah: I did not figure out HP & CoS, though I did figure out who's house Dobby belonged to. That wasn't that hard though. My favorite character was Gilderoy Lockhart, he was played by Kenneth Branaugh, our favorite Shakespearian actor.

    Kelper sat back in with a soft sigh in the comfortable chair of the ship. She bit her lip thoughtfully. Yani still didn?t know they were going to Atad-Yamdla, and she wasn?t sure how to tell her. Unfortunately, Qui-Gon?s apprentice broke the news.

    ?I?ve never been to Atad,? he remarked, plopping down in his chair. ?Have you Master Da-Yee???

    Under her green hood, Kelper saw Yani?s clear yellow eyes go wide with fear, and she slumped, ever so slightly, down in her chair. Kelper leapt up, and leaned over her, whispering in her ear.

    ?Oh great,? thought Obi-Wan. ?My first five seconds, and I already blew it.?

    Kelper sat down again, and Yani sat silently covering her face with her sleeves, probably crying. ?Aye,? answered Kelper, as if nothing had happened. ?I?ve been there.?

    Just then, Qui-Gon came in and sat down. He could feel Obi-Wan trying to send him a verbal message.

    ?-don?t....say......anything....about.....the planet-?

    Qui-Gon glanced just slightly at Obi-Wan, to let him know he understood. He also made a mental note that Obi-Wan needed to work on his silent communications.

    Kelper looked at the floor, the girl didn?t say anything. There was a long, uncomfortable silence.

    ?What was your last mission about??? Obi-Wan asked Kelper at last.

    ?Find the roots of a terrorist group,? she answered shortly.

    ?Did you find them??


    Suddenly, Yannle jerked violently and threw her hood back, making a gasping sound.

    Qui-Gon had never an alien like her before. She was human shaped, and had all the normal human features except ears. That ended the resemblance. She had completely yellow eyes, no hair what so ever, and orange gills on the sides of her head. These were what was gasping.

    Kelper leapt up and ran from the room. She returned a moment later, holding a cup of something. She almost brutally forced Yannle to drink it. Yannle relaxed, and seemed to fall asleep.

    ?Will she be all right?? Obi-Wan asked, he looked almost sick.

    ?Ja,? was all the information Kelper offered.

    ?Amphibious?? guessed Qui-Gon.

    Kelper didn?t answer. She was again staring at the floor, silent and dreary. An assistant pilot came in and Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon gladly talked with him for the remainder of the morning. The flight took nearly six days, and Kelper didn?t say over five words all though it. She stayed in her room with Yannle most of the time. She would come out for meals, and take something back for Yannle.


    Kelper opened her eyes the last day of the flight, and bit back a tear. Hiding in her room was the only way she could escape seeing a master/padawan team again, but she was so lonely. Yani was sick all the time, part from the lack of sweet water, and part from sickly worry.

    Kelper slipped on her tunic and boots. She braided her hair and pinned it up. Then she stood and looked musingly at Yani, who was still sleeping.

    ?My life is a tangle of tears,? she muttered. ?My tears, and now Yani?s.? She stared down at the sleeping child, and even Obi-Wan would not have called her bitter and cold. Her eyes were gentle and soft, still unmeasurable sadness, but they had a glint of pleasure. She now loved someone who was not dead.

    Yannle opened her eyes, and their eyes met. A pair of dull, muted black, and cold dazzling yellow ones.

    ?We arrive today?? she asked.


    That was all they said to each other.


  15. Sarah_K

    Sarah_K Jedi Master star 4

    Jun 10, 2001
    First off: I loved the accents!! Absolutely *the* coolest thing about that conversation, aside from the newest load of stuff it gave me to wonder about... I can't wait to find out what exactly Kelper knows about all this; obviously, she has more than a passing acquaintance with this singularly ugly planet.

    Great back history too -- told in an easy, to-the-point fashion that left you intrigued instead of yawning (which takes a good deal of talent, believe me).

    THANK YOU FOR MAKING YANI AN ALIEN! Ask Hannah what my biggest pet peeves in the SW fanfic world are, and she'll probably tell you 1. when people bring the Sith into thier stories before TPM, and 2. the way everyone is human. With such a big and varied galaxy, it makes no sense for 99% of the characters to be human, and every time someone pulls out an alien, cool, ugly, or otherwise, I just want to applaud. *applauds* :)

    So, here I sit, eagerly awaiting more, and wondering what kind of trouble these four will get into *this* time. Have I mentioned that I really like Kelper?

    Sarah >^,,^<
  16. Jedi_Suzuran

    Jedi_Suzuran Jedi Knight star 5

    May 22, 2002
    Yannle and Kepler really have me intrigued. Their relationship is so unusual. :)

    ?I don?t think I like flying anymore,? he remarked to Qui-Gon.

    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] Loved that little line. :)
  17. Starkindler

    Starkindler Jedi Youngling

    Nov 9, 2002
    I like Kelper, too. And I t-o-t-a-l-l-y agree about the alien thing, Obi and Qui never seem meet anyone but other humans. I've always wanted to write a SW story where there are almost no humans, and tons of really weird aliens.
  18. Niobiie-of-Belfalas

    Niobiie-of-Belfalas Jedi Youngling star 2

    Oct 15, 2002
    Sarah: Man girl, you sure know how to make my story sound like more of an acomplishment than I really think it is, ;) [face_blush] . Thankx!

    Jedi Suzuran: Thanksaton! Kelper is turning out to be a more popular character than I thought she'd be. When I had done the story about halfway, I toned her down a lot. I liked her, but she was so rude and hard to get along with I had to change stuff in these parts you're reading now.

    Starkindler: I agree with you and Sarah about the alien thing. I would have made Yannle more outlandish, but (even for fanatics) it's easier to read a story where the main character's are more human. If you even write that story, I'd love to read it!


    It took them nearly a day to reach it, but Kelper was glad of it. The hard work and exercise help her forget the horrors she was willingly walking into. Once or twice, she almost told Qui-Gon this might not be a mission for such a young apprentice, but she wasn?t sure how he would take a statement like that.

    When they reached the gate, she groaned inwardly at who the gate keeper was for today.

    ?Hello Brarui,? she said.

    ?Who are you,? he said stubbornly.

    ?Here,? she slipped something to him.

    ?Good to see you Nimna!? he cried. Then he looked at Yannle. ?Wait a minute,? he said suspiciously. ?Isn?t that....?

    ?Of course not,? Kelper interrupted. ?And you were just going to offer us your hospitality, at a price, of course.?

    ?Of course,? he licked his teeth, which were sharp like Yani?s. ?My my, four travelers gets into deep debt.? His eyes, which were pure red, seemed to leer at them.

    ?Aye,? agreed Kelper easily. ?But friends (especially friends who have good memories) always get special prices.?

    ?Ja ja,? he agreed, licking his teeth again. ?Come.?

    They followed him though a small side door, and up a long stairwell. ?I?m so afraid you cannot have the first room. It is already occupied. Second is very available though.?

    He showed them into a small, surprisingly clean room. ?Anything else I can do to make my dear friend and her companions happy??? he simpered.

    ?Aye,? answered Kelper lazily. She flicked a small coin at him. ?Who?s got ?t first room.?

    ?My friend is very curious,? hissed Brarui.

    She threw two more coins at him. ?Oh, a very nice gentleman,? coughed the alien. ?Paid in advance, is going to number sixty-three, and arrived....? he coughed again.

    Kelper sighed and flick another coin.

    ?...about two hours ahead of you. He is very curious,? he licked his teeth and grinned. ?Just like you.?

    ?Aye,? muttered Kelper. ?I guess he would be. If I were you, I?d make him pay a high price to know we?re here. No names, unless, of course, he pays higher than I do.?

    ?Of course,? repeated the gate keeper.

    ?Better go back to the gate,? snorted Kelper suddenly, making him jump. ?Remember what happened to Derirt??

    Brarui looked nervous, and sniffed. ?My poor brother, only a drink of water did he step out to get.?

    ?A long drink.?

    ?Ja ja,? agreed the alien, turning to go. ?It was a very long drink.?


    I like Baraui, he's a type of character I find funny.

  19. Jedi_Jewl

    Jedi_Jewl Jedi Youngling star 2

    Sep 26, 2001
    Whoah girl! Coo-L! Sorry I didn't post on that last chapter, I didn't realize you'd posted.

    Oh man, I am SO with Sarah! I love the accents! That's what reeeally makes this sound so real. I mean, honestly, this is starting to sound like Timothy Zahn! :D

    I'm real curious as to where this is going to go. It'll be veeeeeery interesting!

    I like Baraui too! He's funny. Gee, you can put comedy in anything, can't you! And well too! ;)

    Wow. You should really try original fiction some time, Nio. You could publish something some day!

    This is a really awsome fic! I can't wait till the next part!

    Namarie for now!

  20. Niobiie-of-Belfalas

    Niobiie-of-Belfalas Jedi Youngling star 2

    Oct 15, 2002
    Jewel: ;) Thanks. I don't like reading accents in books, and I don't particularly like writing them, but they set a more precise tone to the book, flat words always seem too unflavored, as if everyone in everything speaks just the same.

    We got a beautiful six inch snow the other day, the first snow, for us, of winter.


    Qui-Gon leaned against the wall, and looked at Kelper out from the corner of his eye. Kelper seemed to know her way around, and he wondered if she just viewed him and Obi-Wan as an added nuisance.

    ?You must have a good one on him,? remarked Yani to Kelper.

    ?I do,? answered the Jedi Knight, opening her pack and looking for something. ?I know the particulars of his daily earnings, and a few other things.?

    ?He recognized me,? sighed the slave.

    ?Aye, he did. He won?t tell though, I?m more worried about Tyyja. He doesn?t know enough about it all to know you, but he might describe you.?

    ?You should have shot him.?

    ?I told you,? said Kelper, suddenly looking stern. ?We do not kill for no reason. Only in self defense.?

    Yannle muttered something under her breath, and Obi-Wan looked at Qui-Gon. As usual, he was taking it all in stride. As for himself, Obi-Wan was tired from the climb, and his head was muddled from hunger. He didn?t understand any of what was going on.

    ?When are we going to meet our contacts??? asked Qui-Gon.

    ?Tomorrow at noon,? answered Kelper.

    ?Did you buy Yannle from the Mellean??? inquired Qui-Gon suddenly.

    Yannle turned pale, and hid under her arm. Even Kelper looked a little sick. ?Aye.? she said shortly. ?Dona ask about it.?

    Qui-Gon took her advice.


    Hee hee, next bit has more of the planet. I wouldn't want to live on this planet, but I had a lot of fun writing it.

  21. Jedi_Jewl

    Jedi_Jewl Jedi Youngling star 2

    Sep 26, 2001
    Oh awsome job, Nio! This is sooo interesting! More planet stuff. *shivers* that's always interesting.

    Snow? Oooooh lucky you! It's been dead-cold out here, but refuses to snow. Stinks, doesn't it? ;)

    I'm hoping for a white christmas, but at this rate, it'll end up more like a white new years. *sigh* punctuality is NOT a priority to our weather.

    And you're right. Accents are kind of annoying to write, but really do add a lot of character to well the characters! :D

    I can't wait for the next segment!

    Oh, and "Dad, your line is 'I love you'" is up, in case you're interested. ;)

    Namarie nin maer mellon!
  22. Sarah_K

    Sarah_K Jedi Master star 4

    Jun 10, 2001
    Rita, your posts are like mushrooms: turn your back and they appear! ;)

    The plot is slowly thickening... Every time I look, someone does/says/drops-a-hint-about something new, and I drive myself half wild trying to figure out how it fits in to the rest of the story! Since your whole fic is really one big mystery and there is very little to put together, I am forced to calm down rather quickly, but I remain insatiably curious all the same. It's a bad habit of mine; comes from too much fanfic reading! :D

    Brarui must indeed join the ranks of Interesting Characters! He has the happy quality of filling out his lines with a personality, though he has had no time yet to show us anything of his past. Maybe it's those half-finished conversations he and Kelper keep having... they add to the feeling that there is a great deal more here than what you see on the surface. For example: *who* went out for a long drink?? ?[face_plain]

    Really liked the bargaining there: it showed both Brarui?s funny side, and Kelper?s experience. One thing I really like about her is the way she wastes neither words, nor credits. Have I mentioned that I like Kelper?? :p

    Kelper must be something of a walking contradiction to poor Obi and Qui. One minute she says, "I'm gonna keep a slave, and the code can't stop me.", the next she's *quoting* the code to the aforementioned slave, as if she were nothing more or less than your basic, rule-abiding, straight-forward Jedi Knight. We readers get to see little peaks behind the mask, but they never do, and you have to feel a little sorry for their confusion.

    Maybe we should start a club: Fanfic Readers For the Inclusion of Downtrodden Aliens. F.R.F.I.D.A. Ferfida. :) It's nice to have company in your opinions, isn't it?

    And don't sell yourself short, Rita, you're doing a great job with this fic so far! I'm saying no more than is strictly true. :)

    Sarah >^,,^<
  23. Niobiie-of-Belfalas

    Niobiie-of-Belfalas Jedi Youngling star 2

    Oct 15, 2002
    Jewel: Ooo, I haven't read that, it sounds funny. Eagerly awaiting Obi-Brat (slight hint ;) ). Glad you like it.

    Sarah: The way you put things makes this board sound like an actually book reveiw, instead of a bunch of silly girl friends having a pow wow over a computer. Glad you like it, and I'm glad you think there's a mysterious feel to the planet. I wanted that feel for the planet, and Kelper, too. Yup, you did mention ya like her, meesa glad! :D Hope you won't be disappointed, Brarui's past with Kelper, and any past for that matter, don't really come up. Make one up for youself. Or I'll write one, "One day, an innocent alien named Brarui was walking along, minding his own business when suddenly..." ;)


    ?I?ve never seen something so big!? cried Obi-Wan, looking at the mines.

    In the black cliff, thousands of platforms were built. All had different numbers on them. Each number was a different mine, each mine probably had about five hundred workers in it. They were going to number sixty-three, but Obi-Wan couldn?t figure out why.

    ?Who works in these mines??? asked Qui-Gon.

    Kelper looked at him, ?Slaves,? she said shortly.

    ?Of the Mellean???

    ?Most, not all. Some are private owners, they bribe of the Mellean, of course.?

    Qui-Gon was beginning to understand a little how this planet worked. ?Of course,? he said neutrally.

    She smiled grimly, her dark eyes gleaming slightly.

    The driver of their hover speeder stopped in front of mine sixty-three. Kelper slipped him a little extra to help motivate him to wait for them, and they went in.

    Much to Qui-Gon?s surprise, the mine was completely dark. There seemed to be no one here. He had assumed they were following the man from the other room, but this mine was deserted.

    ?Why did we come here?? he asked softly. He decided it was time Kelper begin to share her plans with him.

    ?Zip it,? she hissed. ?You want to get us killed? I know what I?m doing.?

    Once again, Obi-Wan winced at her impudence to Qui-Gon.

    Qui-Gon only mildly stared at her, and she colored slightly. ?Sorry,? she muttered. ?I?ll explain in a moment.?

    She drew a deep breath, and stepped farther into the icy gloom. She disappeared from view. There was a sudden scuffling sound, a soft scream, the sound of a lightsaber being turned on, and then perfect silence.

    ?I hate it when you do that,? hissed a voice from the darkness.

    ?Dona you think I know that? ?N you were the first to draw. Put that knife away.?

    Kelper emerged from the darkness, followed by an alien. He had the by now familiar bald head with gills, sharp teeth, and glowing red eyes.

    ?This is Thinyig, he is our contact,? announced the young Jedi Knight.

    ?Hello Thinyig,? said Qui-Gon, frowning softly. ?May I speak to you alone, Kelper???

    She looked at him with a challenging expression, but only nodded.

    They stepped back into the gloom, and Qui-Gon snapped a glow string. The mournful blue light reviled a small tunnel hollowed out of the black rock.

    ?Kelper,? he started. ?I know losing your master was hard...?

    Kelper grimaced slightly.

    ?...but that is no excuse for incivility or unkindness.? continued the Jedi Master. ?Obi-Wan and I are not obstacles to overcome, nor are we useless burdens the council gave you to take care of. Now, I?m glad you know this planet and its inhabitants so well, but you need to at least tell me what your plans are, and what?s going on.?

    Kelper looked silently at her boots for a moment. ?Aye, I guess,? she said at last. ?I dona know. Well, anyway, I know where the girl is.?

    Qui-Gon stared at her, ?You do.? he said carefully.



    ?She?s in mine three, probably in the Delgo section,? Kelper looked at Qui-Gon with a slightly amused look on her face. ?The Yyma sent Thinyig to meet us because they don?t dare even admit that the Mellean can j
  24. Sarah_K

    Sarah_K Jedi Master star 4

    Jun 10, 2001
    S'okay about Brarui; I wasn't necessarily expecting anything. ;)

    I really appreciated Qui-Gon's speech to Kelper! I like her a lot (guess I've mentioned that, huh?), but she really wasn't being very fair to Qui and Obi. Just because they're willing to adjust to her moods, and go along with her plans doesn't make them droids. Hopefully the brief talk will clear the air a bit!

    Just in time for me to become worried, as a matter of fact. Becoming slaves to go under cover and rescue a princess from a crime ring sounds like one of those things that doesn't take much to go wrong. You know, Kelper trips, her tool falls, it hits Yani on the foot, she stumbles into Obi-Wan, he topples into a mining pit, he scratches himself up badly, Qui-Gon pulls him out with the force and: voila! The cat?s out of the bag, and we understand why you mentioned 'Obi-Torture' in the title. *clucks tongue worriedly* Okay, so maybe not *that* simple, but you understand what I mean!

    As for my reviews sounding bookish: um, old habit, I guess... I can be awfully weird sometimes, too, though, so beware! :p

    Sarah >^,,^<
  25. Niobiie-of-Belfalas

    Niobiie-of-Belfalas Jedi Youngling star 2

    Oct 15, 2002
    Sarah, dear, my saying they sound bookish was a HUGE complement. I think you sound just T-O-O nice, the way to talk about my writing. I would love to be a writter some day, I think you'll be a great accet. 8-} and I can be weird, too.

    But that's not what least, not exactly........ [face_devil] [face_devil] :D
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