{***A Tangle of Tears***} Obi/character tortue, JA time period, EU, slight humor, sad stuff, too.

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by Niobiie-of-Belfalas, Dec 1, 2002.

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  1. Sarah_K Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 10, 2001
    star 4
    ACK! Okay, so the Corlak's dead. That's nice. But what's all this 'falling ceiling' stuff you've got going now? Do they never get any rest? Don't answer that.

    Qui-Gon as HANK?? AAAAAH! All of a sudden, that LOTR stuff is looking only *mildly* bizarre. Incredible. Oy.

    LOL on your toothbrush thing!! You mean it took your parents *this long* to discover what an odd ball of a daughter they'd raised? My my. ;)

    And I remind you of your mom? Thanks! :)

    I'd write longer, but I have go out into the freezing garage to switch some freezing laundry from the freezing washer to the (you got it) *iced over* drier! See ja!

    Sarah >^,,^<
  2. Niobiie-of-Belfalas Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 15, 2002
    star 2
    Qui/Hank is being saved till farther notice, I was really joking about it, but maybe I'll do it when I post the sequel.

    I figured out what you meant by the explosives, their being used by the good guys, but are not that good a thing.

    -----

    "Area secured commander," said a tall man with yellow eyes coming up to them. "All fights extinguished, and their leader captured."

    "What does the leader look like?" asked Frenth.

    "Tall chap, blue eye 'n blond hair. Rather pretty, if you can use that word to describe a man."

    "Here he comes now," said Qui-Gon. "Frenth, this is Errda. He runs this show."

    Errda's eyes widened in an innocent expression, and Frenth swallowed. "Hello Cruin," he said softly.

    Errda looked smug, Hello Frenth, how's your sister?"

    "None of your business. You're going to court Cruin, I hope they put you somewhere where you can't make any more trouble....for anyone."

    "Not much brotherly love," Errda smiled insolently.

    "Can't spare much, the shape she's in."

    Errda shrugged, and allowed the lieutenant to chain his hands. "I'll come and see you some time," he said.

    Frenth nodded thoughtfully, "I'd like that, a lot. I've a blaster and a shovel and I doubt anyone would miss you very much."

    "I'll remember that."

    A soldier lead Errda away.

    -----

    the 'blaster and a shovel' came from a story my dad told me.
    Okay, this guy wants to court this girl, but the dad doesn't like him, so he says, "I've got a forty-seven and shovel, and I doubt anyone would miss you very much." (and no, it didn't take my parent this long to figure out whata weirdo they had produced.

    -Nio
  3. SiriGallia Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 28, 2001
    star 4
    Oh great post! Despite the fact that I CAN'T STAND that guy! You did really well writing him :)

    *breaths in relief* YEAH!! We escaped Hank the Qui-Gon...for now :D
  4. bobilll Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 8, 2002
    star 4
    Wait, Errda's Cruin!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!! Okay, maybe I'm just dense... but that's news to me! Okay, this is a major breakthrough in the story, I take it... I agree with Frenth. Take a blaster and a shovel and do away with the idiot loser!

    Then again, I said the same thing about Vader before he changed...

    I guess you never know about people...

    You read MAAWC??? *Jumps up and down* You know, there was a sequel that was just completed... I'll stop advertising now!
  5. Sarah_K Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 10, 2001
    star 4
    AHA! Errda has another item to add to his 'Why I'm A Creep' list!

    The blaster and shovel line was great; a nice end to a very nimble bit of conversation there. You got the idea loud and clear: Errda is not repentant, and Frenth is both furious and satisfied.

    Now all they have to do is rescue all the others! :)

    Sarah >^,,^<
  6. Niobiie-of-Belfalas Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 15, 2002
    star 2
    Siri: Yeah well, Errda's a special dud. (oops, dude.) 8-}

    Bobil: Oh, hooRAY! You didn't guess?? I tried so hard not for it to be completely obvious... ;)
    I read some of Midsummers Nightmare, (goodness dear, you're a fiend!! :D ) But, just as a personal prefurance, I don't care for stories with Obi lovers. But I'm sure it's all very cool. ;) No offence!!! :D

    Sarah: Errda doesn't have a "why I'm a creep list" it's more of a desk full of papers.
    Now all they have to do it rescue the others...yeah, that's all...

    -----

    The dust settled slowly. Obi-Wan breathed faintly though his sleeve, and slowly came too. A thick darkness had invaded his brain after hitting it on a rock. His hands trobbed on the burning dusty rocks, pain clouded his mind. He remembered Kepler and Yannle were somewhere in the darkness, hurt. He wiped blood out of his eyes, and coughed weakly. He slowly sat up.

    "Kelper," he called weakly. "Yannle?"

    He though he heard a faint sound in return. He stood up. It was pitch black. Their weak torch had been concurred in the last shower. He felt about, and his hand fell upon it. He breathed gently on the hot coals, but they refused to light. At last, Obi-Wan tried an old trick from jedi scout camp, and felt it with the force. He concentrated the heat, more and more intensely, and finally managed to extract a feeble glow. It slowly got brighter, and he finally could see a small amount with it. He went in the direction where he'd heard the sound.

    He saw a blackish lump, and ran to it. The top shape was Kelper, the bottom Yannle.

    Around them it was almost clear of shards. With a massive strength in the force Kelper had held almost all the shards off of them, and Obi-Wan, too. Almost, but not all.

    Looking at Kelper, he discovered she was bleeding in the stomach, chest, and leg. Her arm was badly burned. He torn off a strip of cloth from his tunic, and started to dab up the blood, and Kelper touched his hand.

    "Leave them," she said in a surprisingly strong voice. "There is nothing.....you can.......you can do."

    "Kelper," he said softly. "We must get you to a medical, even if it means going back to Errda and his men."

    "No," Kelper's eyes were strangely bright. "Stay and be silent. I have something to say.

    I have often told Yannle stories, stories of when I was young, and stories of Jenny and me. They were all happy stories, but one I have never told. Now I must tell, before it is too late." Kelper swallowed, and closed her eyes.

    "I remember it all as if it were yesterday. Jenny and I were staying with the side that called themselves the Kynaas. It was a word in their language that meant "freedom". We soon discovered that the war wasn't exactly a civil war. It was really a war between the natives of the planet and the Mellean. (we didn't know they were called the Mellean at the time) The Mellean had had a small outpost organization there, and they had been slowly incorporating into the people. They would soon have as much control as they have here.

    The people were poor, and needed employment. They didn't question where the new jobs and money were coming from. But the society steadily got worse and worse. Robberies and cheating were now common in a people that had formerly had strict laws. Some people thought it wasn't worth it, and started a revolt.

    The head of the revolt was a man and his wife. He had been a minor leader and the people were happy to look up to him. This was the point when Jenny and I entered the scene.

    This man's name was Debor, and I never met him. His wife's name was Giinni, and I'll never forget her. When we arrived on the planet, we stayed with Giinni. Debor had taken a large force of soldiers, and was going to try and take a huge base of the Mellean.

    Giinni was very tall, she had pale skin and brightest, fiercest eyes I'd ever seen. They were jet black, just like her hair. I alternately saw them sparkle with pleasure and snap with anger. She had a hawk like nose, and a very pronounced chin. She wasn't exactl
  7. bobilll Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 8, 2002
    star 4
    Yeah, this IS sad! *bursts into tears* How could poor Kelper die like that???????? Argh, I have HAD it with those guards! As soon as I get my hands on them... just wait, guardies, you'll wish you've never been born!

    Yes, I'm a little violent, but who here DOESN'T want to take a whack at those evil people?

    Oh, so that's why not many people liked AMNN that much... okay. I usually don't mind if Obi gets a girl, it's Obidala that drives me over the edge, so I sort of know how you feel.
  8. SiriGallia Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 28, 2001
    star 4
    *sobs* OH NIO!!! That was TERRIBLE but so GOOD!! *SOOBS!!!* That was SO mean of you!! I'm going to CRY now!!! *sniff* :(

    Okay so it was an EXCELLENT story!! You had better get the sequel up soon young lady or I will put coal in your stocking! Yes I will! :D

    GREAT STORY!!

    Thank you so much for sharing!!

    See ya girl!

    --SiriGallia
  9. Sarah_K Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 10, 2001
    star 4
    I can't give feedback. I'm crying to hard. :_|







    *sniffle* Okay, maybe a little feedback. That was so SAD, Nio! Just a horrible, tear-jerking, blood everywhere, people crying S-A-D!

    Oh sure, it was incredibly well written, and while you may say you hate angst/mush/whateveryouwantotcallit, you're very good at putting it unforgettably in your stories.

    And why did it have to be poor Obi-Wan who got to listen to the last dreadful story of Jenny and Kelper?? The poor kid! And poor Yani too. She is *not* going to be easy to rescue.

    Best line in the post: "When I bought you, I hated you. You hated me, we were a bad match."

    Don't ask me why, because it's late, and I'm tired, and I couldn't tell you if I tried, but it was the best one in the post. ;)

    Good work! Kudos! Etc.!

    Sarah >^,,^<
  10. Niobiie-of-Belfalas Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 15, 2002
    star 2
    Bobil: Well, she's dead. Believe it or not, I wrote the story simply for the sake of killing her. ;)
    I don't mind if Obi likes someone, but lovers doesn't need to happen. I don't think it needs to happen in any story or movie at all! Don't feel bad if people don't read your stories a lot, there are just so many out there no one knows what to try!
    Thank you so much for being such a sweet reader!!! I know I'll talk to Siri and Sarah, but I'll miss you!!

    Siri: Sequel is in the process of being mangled, I promise. I shall try to write fast, but, uhhhh, maybe I'd better not say how long it takes me to finish stories.
    Thanks for sticking around for the craziness!!

    Sarah: :D I wrote to whole death scene long before I finished....and erased to whole darn thing because it was WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY to much mush, the whole "Yani....I love you Yani......be good...." deal. BLAH! So just be glad I let her live long enough to talk some before death's icy claw gripped her heart and stilled it. (sorry, I spend all yesterday writing mornful poems for a story...guess that way of talking hasn't worn off yet...)
    Thanks for being a great commenter, and making it sound like I meant to do all those things in the story...

    Cry of the Babes, is in process, as I already said. I can't say any more!!

    And now, without farther blab...

    -----

    Afterward

    Jedi Knight Qui-Gon Jinn and his padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi left the planet Atad-Yamdla five days later, accompanied by YannleTeprop-Qui-Ell and the body of Jedi Knight Kelper Da-Yee. The funeral was held the day of their arrival.

    Yannle took a job as a maid in a hotel, and died seven years later in the Great Fire of Corascant.

    Reemsa married a freed slave, and had nine children after moving to a different planet with her husband.

    Frenth went on to be a great military leader of the Yyma, and fought faithfully against the Mellean until his death at age seventy-three.

    Qui-Gon was a Jedi Knight until his death eight years later on the planet of Naboo.

    Obi-Wan went on to be a general in the Clone Wars of Corascant, and died at the hand of his first apprentice many years later.

    Faa was found, badly injured in the mines, and sent to prison. He escaped nine years later, and lived on the planet of Tatooine till he died.

    Errda was executed for treason, and other various charges two days after the battle.

    Dee-Badffaough worked as a slave till he died, remarrying once.

    Ke-Huun married her friend, and worked as a slave till she died. She had three children.

    Cor-Lous worked as an overseer/agent, and then left the planet. He studied medicine and became a volunteer healer for refugee. He married, and had six children.

    Author?s Note

    I don?t know if you?ll read this, I know I frequently skip author?s notes in books. They seem to drag out the end of the book, and are often boring. This one is short, and you don?t have to read it.

    The character Kelper was born when I was cleaning the bathroom, and thinking about my science test. The last name, Kepler, was one of the names in the test, and I thought Kelper would be an interesting name for a character. To amuse myself, I then started to think of a life for her, obviously deciding on a Star Wars career. Kelper became a person in my head, like about twenty other people, but unlike those other twenty people, she got written down. She was created soly because I liked that name Kelper.

    Yannle was origianlly Kelper?s padawan. I changed that before I even started writing. Padawans are generic, and obvious. However, I have yet to read a Star Wars story in which a Jedi owns a slave.

    Kelper?s veiws on slavery are supposed to be different because she has grow used to the mind set on (and of) slaves on the planet of Atad. This also helped show that she is a different type of person. Her way of handling a tramatic experience may be unoriganal, but her way of thinking, for a Jedi, i
  11. bobilll Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 8, 2002
    star 4
    It's over? It's really over? :_| I'll miss this story!

    Hmmm, Reemsa got nine children? Wow, can she handle them all? Kelper originated in a bathroom, huh? Hehe, very creative!

    Yeah... I see what you mean about some people not needing a lover... I just felt compelled to write some kind of mush...

    Awwwww, I'm gonna miss you too, Nio! You're so nice!
  12. Sarah_K Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 10, 2001
    star 4
    That was a great Author's Note (and it's the forwards I usually don't read)! :)

    But even better than that was the afterward. I'm a big fan of Epilogues, because I get so involved with the characters, I just can't stand leaving off and not knowing what becomes of them. You filled even my wildest desires (i.e. you covered EVERYONE) It was cool having Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan just sort of in the middle with everybody else; it took them down from the High And Mighty Cannon Characters pedestal and allowed them to be normal people. Funny how many of the others wound up with a bunch of kids... ;)

    Kudos, Nio, and then some! Your first drama fic was both engaging and well-written, and Kelper is definitely an OC to be proud of. Keep writing! :)

    Sarah >^,,^<
  13. Niobiie-of-Belfalas Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 15, 2002
    star 2

    Bobill: Thankx!! The next one is a love story (breath Siri, breath, no heart attacks allowed on this thread). My first one that I plan to finish.
    I think the nine children is a foreshadow of what I want some day!!

    Sarah: The only danger is that I'll write too much. First drama posted went well!!
    I thought that did kind of bring Obi and Qui back to earth (?) with a bump!

    -Nio
  14. Master_Ponta Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 11, 2003
    star 4
    I'm on page two so far but what I've read is interesting, in a good way. I'm not much into computers so I guess that's why I haven't found out about your story sooner, anyway what I've read is cool.
  15. Niobiie-of-Belfalas Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 15, 2002
    star 2
    Thanks Ponata. I came in here to get a link for someone, and I saw your comment. I know it's hard to comment when you know that no one, including the author, will read it, so here I am! 8-}

    -Nio
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