Beyond - Legends A Year in the Life (L/M, holiday fic series) 25 March The Deepest Note is the Cobalt Sky

Oh..okay. I just don't know what I want more. Lol. I want LM to be happy and to have their happy end, but also I want to read your angst.

 

Thanks! I think Luke and Mara would have had some serious issues to work on so early in their marriage, since neither of them had any real experience with long term relationships.

I couldn't resist the (literal) evil cliffie

I do have a certain niche, don't I? Thank you so much for your kind words - I just love the Luke/Mara relationship so much, for its flaws and complexity as much as anything. I think their accusations are true to a certain extent, just not an important or overwhelming as they think they are - but Luke's doomed relationships did form a kind of pattern and he does have a saviour complex, while Mara is scared of change and losing her independence that was so hard won which can lead her to lash out and be cruel.

One upon a time on these boards I did hold the title of Queen of Evil Cliffies (RedGold and I used to battle it out), so the literal cliffhanger was something that gave me a great deal of pleasure Luke does come to the realisation during the Hand of Thrawn duology that he's been using the Force too much, but that's a hard habit to break, and I think he would have used it his whole life unconsciously that to completely stop would take the absence of the Force itself. Then the whole bond with Mara happened and they are so intrinsically entwined with one another through the Force that they both use it as shorthand in their relationship, rather than actually talking things out, so any concerns get dismissed rather than actually dealt with.

You are 100% correct that this argument couldn't have happened with the bond in place, because with the bond they could always dip into each other's thoughts and feelings for reassurance, but without it they're back to misunderstanding one another with very real doubts plaguing them. In some ways, it's The Fight They Had to Have if their relationship is going to work long-term.

 

This turned out wonderfully, just like I knew it would! I agree with everyone: this a fight that needed to happen. Mara's comment about all those ex-lovers was on point, and it's an angle I'd never considered before, actually. And when she finally told him the truth - about her fear of losing her identity to only become part of his - well, he was right in that, too: she hasn't been honest with him. When she finally owns up to that, and understands how genuinely hurt he is, then maybe they can move forward.

Oh, who am I kidding? Of course they'll move forward!

Now hurry and write moar!

 

AHAHAHAHAHA THIS IS PAIN AND I LOVE IT

No, seriously, good, no-holds-barred emotional L/M fights are like my #1 thing now. There's just so much to work with in torturing these two, LOL. Things that make sense and need to be dragged out kicking and screaming into the light, no matter how much they hurt. In-universe, this is one problematic OTP and that's why we love them.

 

Now I love that bit of implication there. Does the existence of the bond at all automatically mean they wouldn't air their grievances or could they, perhaps, air them in a cushion of safety and trust, expressing themselves out loud and yet using the bond to communicate the undercurrents "No, I meant this not that" and "This is what I'm afraid of" not necessarily in words of course but little nudges, hints across it that "ah, Mara is feeling that for this reason." Or is it, instead, a consequence of their bond + their experiences with romance in the past--Mara not at all and Luke hit-and-miss?

 

LOL, I couldn't resist, it just reminded me of this...

 

Oh boy, a LITERAL evil cliffie!!!!

I love the discussions they are having. So much of their lives is entwined with the Force that it must be hard to tell where their personalities, emotions, and the Force itself blurs. I can understand Mara's point of view. She has never had a time with the Force where she wasn't either in thrall to it (as the Emperor's Hand) or seen as the protégée (as in her relationship with Luke). She had a window where she had autonomy and self-determination when she worked with Talon; it's understandable the she is reluctant to let go of that.
Once again, Mara is overshadowed. Even if it's done out of love, it's still making her feel dependent and less-than.

Luke loves her but he also wants HIS life, too. He doesn't really understand what her independence means to her because he has never really had to fight to be autonomous. No one wrapped his identity up in him being "Obi-Wan's apprentice" or "Mara's husband." The closest he has ever gotten to that is his association as the son of Darth Vader, and Luke is powerful enough (and removed enough from Vader) that it doesn't define him the way his presence defines Mara's identity.

This is fascinating stuff here.

 

I'm stealing this spot to leave a review, hopefully tomorrow!!

 

I'd never thought about it before either before writing this, although I think it makes sense - he certainly had a habit of forming a strong attachment to women who were either unsuitable or guaranteed to die I've said before that I think the bond was a (necessary) cheat, but I think it would have caused a few problems of its own by actually preventing proper communication.

Ha, you know me so well!

I LOVE angsty L/M fights, because really they are both pretty messed up people and actually making their relationship work would be a struggle and require serious examination. They are both people who've never really had a successful or healthy romantic relationship between them, and both are used to living their own lives and not having to make allowances for someone else - learning to compromise and find that middle ground would be particularly hard.

Yep, that's exactly what I was going for! The bond is wonderful and allows them to connect on such a deep level, but it can also be used as a mask or cheat that gives the illusion of communication on some issues when they actually need to be spoken aloud.

A Festivus for the rest of us!!!

Yes, exactly! This is why I find Luke and Mara's relationship so interesting and complex - they know each other so well, and yet there's still so much they have to understand about each other and come to terms with, because they both had such strong personalities that they are bound to clash, then dig in their heels and lash out at one another. But that passion I think also makes it easier for them to reconcile as they don't hold a grudge and respect each other's opinion, taking criticism on board.

I know you're busy gal, no worries!

 

Part 4.1

The water was cold, so bone-chillingly paralysing that for a moment Luke sank, the river coursing over his head. His lungs burned with the urge to breathe but he knew that would mean the end. He kicked out with his legs, searching for purchase on the river bed but the water was too deep and for a moment he flailed as panic gripped him. The travelling pack strapped to his back did not help, the additional weight pulling him down further and Luke only had a second to weigh up whether to detach it. It would make it easier to swim, but the pack contained blankets and their remaining rations - essential if they were to survive once they escaped the water’s deathly grip.

He remembered that the Force was not required for focus, and so stilled for the briefest of moments, gathering his strength and reminding himself how how much was at stake. There is no try was his internal mantra as he forced his legs to kick and his arms to stroke through the water above, driving him back up towards the surface.

The air almost froze in his lungs as he breached, but Luke gulped it in anyway, focusing on keeping himself afloat. On Yavin he’d once forced himself to tread water for three hours in an attempt to improve his swimming, but the placid jungle lakes were literally half a galaxy away from the strong current and coursing rapids he found himself in, and he felt the absence of the Force keenly. But his concern was on Mara - whose still form he saw a few hundred metres downstream, snagged in a nest of reeds.

Struggling just to keep his head above water, Luke forced his numbing limbs into a crude stroke towards her, trying not to recall the vivid memory of her back on Nirauan, face down in a pool of water. When he reached her she was unconscious, and Luke pulled her into his arms, calling her name and cradling her head so she did not sink as he pulled her from the tangle of reeds. One hand came away with a smear of blood across his fingers, and Luke guessed she must have hit her head in her fall from the cliff face above.

Somehow, he found the strength to pull them both to the river bank and ashore, lying Mara on her back so he could check her more thoroughly. It was still raining hard, and the bitterly cold wind made his wet and heavy clothes feel as if they were made from ice. Mara’s head injury was a graze only, but the more pressing concern for both of them was hypothermia. The trees would not provide much shelter, so Luke looked back to the red cliffs above, and the waterfall which coursed down from the ridge and into the river below. Squinting in the sheets of heavy rain, he saw what looked like a cave behind the stream of water.

It was the only option, and Luke gathered Mara in his arms with some difficulty - his fingers had gone numb. The pressure in his chest was made worse as he carried her back up the riverbank, her wet clothes making her heavy and his boots sinking into the red mud. It was slow going, but Luke kept his eyes on the waterfall, knowing that it was their only hope of survival.
Getting to the cave required a somewhat precarious journey across the rocks at the mouth, and brief immersion in the waterfall’s stream, but given they were wet already it seemed of little consequence. The cave itself was much larger than it had appeared from the outside, with a deep pool of water running back into the pitch black of the cave, and alongside that a smooth, flat expanse of rock wide enough to make camp.

Laying Mara gently down, Luke set to work building a fire close to the mouth of the cave. Luckily their travelling packs were waterproof, so the kindling and fire-starters were still usable and the blankets relatively dry. His numb fingers fumbled slightly in the work, but that only made Luke move faster, knowing time was of the essence. The fire lit, Luke breathed a sigh of relief and turned back to Mara. She was still unconscious and cold to the touch, although upon examination her head wound had stopped bleeding.

“Mara,” Luke sighed her name, patting her cheek lightly and hoping to rouse her. When that did not work, he set about trying to get her warm, first laying one blanket down on the hard rock and then stripping off his own soaking clothes, followed by hers and then wrapping the second blanket firmly around them so they could share body heat. She was shivering in her sleep, and Luke rubbed her upper arms vigorously to encourage blood flow and didn’t stop until her skin warmed.

“Mara,” he whispered again as he lay them down and cradled her body against his, hoping to cocoon her with his life and warmth. “Please wake up.”

_____________________________________

It was freezing - but Mara had never been particularly bothered by the cold. She’d been raised in it, blanketed by its icy embrace for as long as she could remember. In the Emperor’s presence it had always been cold, as if there was simply a void of heat and life around him - a black hole in the Force, sucking everything in until not even light could escape. He’d fed her that same nothingness until it was all she knew how to survive on, to purge oneself of feeling from the inside out.

There was comfort and familiarity to those cold depths. It would be easy to stay in the dark, unexamined and unburdened - but there was light burning at the fringes of her consciousness. It drew her attention away from the dark, and all she needed to do was more towards it.

If she wanted to.

When Mara awoke the first thing she became aware of was strong arms enfolding her and her cheek pressed against a strong, firm chest. For a moment Mara nuzzled her face against it, seeking more of his warmth. The last thing she remembered was losing her footing as the side of the cliff gave way under her, scraping against the rock as she fell and hitting the icy water.

It wasn’t difficult to figure out what had happened after that - because she was safe, warm and in Luke’s embrace. His arms tightened around her as she lifted her head to meet his penetrating blue gaze. He touched her face almost reverently, as if making sure he was actually there and not some apparition or dream, and reached back to him, cupping his cheek in her hand. His day-old stubble scratched against the inside of her palm, and relief flooded through her.

“Luke…”

But he cut her off, crushing his lips to hers in a bruising kiss and she responded eagerly, wrapping her arms around his neck and drawing him closer. All of the harsh words they’d spoken to one another were forgotten; all that mattered was the warmth of his body pressed against hers and his invigorating touch, reminding herself that she was still alive.

Afterwards they broke apart and lay breathless beside each one another, not quite touching. Mara looked around and saw that they were in a cave of some kind, light from a fire dancing across the red rock above them. The memories of their earlier argument came flooding back, and Mara knew she had to break the silence.

“I didn’t mean it, you know,” she said, still breathing heavily. Luke looked over at her, so she clarified, “when I said all you did was complain.”

Luke looked back up at the roof of the cave. “I know.”

Sitting up and resting back on her hands, Mara looked around at the cave - the fire burning brightly by the entrance and their clothes drying nearby. She stood, and Luke held out the blanket to her but Mara waved his hand away - she was comfortably warm, and had never really been abashed by nudity. Years of having to keep cover in barely-there dancing costumes had long since eliminated any modesty she might once have felt. What was her body but a vessel - skin covering flesh and blood and bone that signified nothing - it was her mind and heart she prefered to keep concealed.

Their clothes were still slightly damp, so Mara turned them over to dry the other side, and as she looked out through the spray of the waterfall she saw it was still raining heavily. “I guess we’re not leaving anytime soon.” She looked back at Luke, now sitting cross-legged with the blanket around his shoulders.

“Even if it wasn’t I’d advise against it,” he said evenly, and Mara noted the change in language from their earlier argument. “You had quite a fall.”

She couldn’t deny that, feeling the sore spot on the back of her head where her hair was matted with dried blood. A superficial graze, but hardly one which could be ignored, especially after she’d almost frozen to death in the river. Returning to where Luke sat, Mara knelt in front of him, clasping her hands on her lap.

“So I guess we have time to talk.”

Luke avoided her gaze. “Do you want to?”

Mara sighed, thinking back to the painful words they’d spoken to one another on the cliff. “I think we should.”

“Well, I suppose I should apologise,” Luke started, playing absently with the hem of the blanket. “I never realised how you felt - about losing yourself.”

Mara put a hand on his knee. “How could you, when I never said anything?” She remembered her earlier anger at him which had prompted her to lash out, but now it seemed that had dissipated, leaving only a dull ache of sadness. “When I hardly knew myself?”

“Still, through our bond,” Luke looked back at her, frowning. “I should have picked up on it.”

“No, you shouldn’t,” Mara shook her head. “I think that was our problem - we used the bond as a crutch. I expected you to know how I felt rather than simply talking to you - you were right, I wasn’t honest.” She took a deep breath and squeezed his knee again. “I was relieved,” she told him. “When I saw the negative pregnancy test. I’m sure you’ve concocted all sorts of terrible reasons why, but did you wonder whether my reaction surprised me as much as it did you?”

It was clear from his reaction that he hadn’t, and his hand covered hers on his knee, their fingers intertwining. Mara sighed and lay back down on the blanket, tugging on his hand and urging him to spoon behind her. He wrapped the other blanket around them both and held her tightly around the waist.

“Maybe I just wasn’t ready,” she told him, finding the words easier to say without his gaze penetrating her. “I left it up to chance, and I wasn’t prepared for the reality of it - of how I would feel either way.”

“I thought you might have…” Luke trailed of and sighed, so she squeezed his hand in encouragement. “I thought perhaps you did it for me - because you knew it was what I wanted. Another sacrifice you had to make.” His words were bitter, and yet this time they were directed at himself.

She turned around in his arms, cupping his face in her hands and brushing away the tears that had formed. “No,” she told him emphatically. “I did it because I thought it was what I wanted too.”

“And what do you want now?”

Mara bit her lip, giving the question due thought. “I’m not sure,” she answered truthfully. “Who knows how I would have reacted if the test had come up positive? I might have been overjoyed.”

Luke pushed the hair back behind her ear, caressing her head softly. “You had a point you know,” he told her. “About my less than stellar track record with women.”

“I didn’t mean that didn’t care for them, Luke.” She wanted to be clear on that. “But you do have a bit of a saviour complex.”

Luke smiled and ducked his head, abashed. “Acknowledged,” he said. “But you were wrong, about me wanting to save you - I want you to be a Jedi because I believe you would be a great asset to the Order, but I would accept it if you decided it wasn’t the path for you.”

“Would you?” Mara was curious - how many times over the years had he urged her to embrace her Force powers? Being married to him without being a Jedi would surely only mean he would have pressed her harder.

"Mara, you must know that all I want is your happiness,” he said, stroking her hair. “And if being a Jedi...or being married to me doesn't make you happy, well..."

"Well what?"

Luke swallowed heavily. "You tell me."

“You do make me happy,” she told him, rubbing his arm lightly. “And if I commit myself to being a Jedi I should go all in - I’m not sure I’m ready to do that yet. That’s why I wanted to transition slowly, even if that meant not spending as much time with you as I should.”

"I know how much you've sacrificed” Luke said softly, his thumb caressing her cheek. “And I wish I could offer you the same in return."

A old, wild thought struck Mara, one that had appeared in some of her wild daydreams. "Would you leave the Order if I asked you to?"

Luke took a long time before answering, rolling onto his back and staring up at the roof of the cave. "If the circumstances were different - maybe,” he said eventually. “But I was tasked with rebuilding the Jedi, and my work is not yet complete. I can't leave it unfinished, even at the cost of my own happiness."

"I know," Mara acknowledged softly, shifting close to him and propping up her chin with one hand. "I don't think you'd be the man I fell for if you did."

"I could...take a sabbatical," he suggested, turning to her again. "Put off training a new class for a few months, and instead spend the time with you. Maybe that’s what I should have done after we got married"

Mara stroked his chest absently, tracing the light fractal scars that were his souvenir from his encounter with the Emperor. “Maybe,” she said. “Or maybe I should have made a clean break and joined you on Yavin.”

“Or, like you said - we shouldn’t have gotten married so soon.” Luke’s gaze was downcast, clearly troubled.

“What do you think would have happened?” she asked. “If the bond hadn’t formed?”

“To be honest, I wouldn’t have proposed,” he looked up and smiled wryly. “But...I think I would have accepted my feelings for you, and dismissed my fears. Maybe I would have asked you out on a date.”

Mara laughed. “That seems so...normal. Hardly in character for either of us.”

“I guess not,” Luke said, a wide grin splitting his face. He tickled Mara’s sides and her laughter increased, batting at his hands and losing her balance, falling into his chest. He held her there and continued his onslaught, their combined laughter echoing down through the cave.

 

I NEEDED THIS SO BAD THIS MORNING THANK YOU *staggers away making soft incoherent squeals of melancholic delight*

 

WUH?? There's more?!?

I love the description of Luke's swim, particularly given his trepidation in Chapter 3. Very intense! Mara's "waking" thoughts are equally so, and the "if she wanted to" was downright heartbreaking. Their immediate need for each other once she wakes just shows us that, yes, they are still very much connected despite their angry words. And the open honesty of the subsequent conversation was exactly right.

One correction I would suggest:

I think you meant she?


But brava, lady, as always.

 

Ahem! pterydactyl screech of bliss!* SQUEEEEE! SQUEE! Trademark vintage JadeLotus marvelousness of candor and yum! So, so worth the wait. I love the tone of this talk. It's caring and tender and honest - each with themselves and one another, weighing their feelings and their options. I also agree that if the bond hadn't formed, their relationship would have transitioned into "normalcy" with a date LOL

 

Wow, this is the best depiction I can remember of Luke and Mara not getting along later in their relationship, and it's done perfectly. I'm really impressed at how you've picked out the issues that might go unspoken for a while and how the bond might provoke rather than resolve the problems. And of course, I'm looking forward to seeing what emerges from this particular chrysalis. The talk in the latest chapter is wonderful and a step in the right direction, but it's clear that they've got a way to go before the ghosts in the room are laid to rest.

Nice interpretation of how a weakness can be a strength and the other way around. I remember in the SOTP/VOTF duology there was a bit about how Luke's way of connecting to the Force has pitfalls, ones that he learns to see from Mara -- and I like that here, we see that she also has her own vulnerabilities in that area that correspond to her personality/experiences. It's not that one way is necessarily "better" but that it's formed by who they are, and both have to learn to balance their own particular natures.

The minute's relief Mara feels is something that I could easily imagine; it seems like a pretty normal reaction to the possibility of a major change -- even one that would be overall good. And there are the ambivalent feelings that we later hear her express, which make a lot of sense. It's awful timing that Luke happens to witness the whole thing, but on the other hand I agree with your post about how this is something they would need to bring out in the open and resolve. You've done an awesome job of setting up what does ring true as a necessary argument for these two.

Liked the conversation with Leia and Mara, and how we see their friendship and the way that the whole issue of Leia's pregnancy (and Mara's not being pregnant) makes things a bit awkward. I'm really intrigued by how the outcome of this story, and I'm not sure what it will be, will affect them as friends.

Also, I'm glad to know that this is AU re: Leia's youngling.

Ouch, and yet entirely believable. Luke's reaction seems very on-target with what I remember of him. He's a wonderful human being in so many ways, but this would stab him right in the heart and I can see him not responding in his usual reasonable manner. Everyone has their vulnerable points.

The opening shots of their disagreement are definitely revealing, and as everyone has mentioned it gives a great deal of insight into their characters. It also goes to show (and continues in following chapters) that the people who are closest can unfortunately hurt each other the most with their words. Mara and Luke know each other almost through and through, and yet in some ways that contributes to making things worse for them before it can get better.

Couldn't help smiling at this, in spite of the rather difficult situation. They just have to do everything the hard way.

The description of Kaurna is really interesting, and I like that it seems to be a vaguely Australian planet although colder. Nifty! And I'm very curious whether this absence of the Force will turn out to be a deliberate trap or something far weirder -- the mentioned great serpent is an intriguing detail.

I don't think she's anywhere near a hundred percent right there, but can totally see how Mara might see things that way. At least when she's listening to her worst fears. Yikes.

And yikes again. I really love (in an angst-bucket kind of way ) how both of them have issues here that are completely understandable and tap into things that we know about them already -- their personalities, the experiences they had earlier in life, and the earlier installments of this series too.

Really good symbolic moment there!

Aww! *sniffle* Just a minute, got something in my eye...

They are so adorable there, especially with all that's happened. And of course the near-miss is inspiring them to at least start on really talking to each other rather than flinging accusations.

Loved this part of the conversation; though I suspect it's nowhere near finished, they've started to be more truly open and vulnerable instead of aiming for each other's weak spots. And that bodes well for them.

 

Fantastic! Some really good meta about their relationship in here (especially about the bond as a crutch), and it's good to see them making up. Interested to see what they decide to do to resolve their issues though.

 

"Squealing like a little pig" SQWEEE!SQWEE! NEW UPDATE! SQWEE! I love their conversation. They have to learn how to communicate and understand each other without help of their bond and the Force. And I am sure, that they have to try making babies while on the planet. Even if babies will come later, it worth an extra scene.

 

OH YES! I just loved it! exactly what I needed today. I love Luke's warmth and honesty.

 

I love it!

 

Thanks gal, I'm glad this could cheer you up!

The second half of the chapter still requires a few tweaks, but I should be able to post it tomorrow.

Being from a culture where strong swimming is emphasised from a very young age it's hard to imagine only learning to swim as an adult - and Luke was in an even stranger position where he probably never even had a water shower until he left Tatooine, let alone swim in a river - I think its kind of interesting for him to have this love of the water but not particularly comfortable or capable in it.

Thank you! I know the "let's get naked and share body heat" is a trope, but I couldn't resist

I did, fixed! Thanks gal - you know me and typos!

Thank you! To be honest I would have liked to see Luke and Mara "date" but I understand why Zahn wrote it the way he did. It was important for me for the tone of their conversation to be much softer and more open than their argument - they don't hold and grudge and after reaffirming their desire for one another it was easier for them to let go and actually talk through their issues.

Thank you for the wonderful long reply! We never really got to see Luke and Mara talk through their various issued in the profic, and I guess that wasn't really the medium for it. I really enjoy exploring the complexity of their relationship because there would be genuine issues, doubts and fears they would need to face that the bond may act as a smokescreen for. And it's not an easy fix - you're right, they have a way to go!

I certainly think they have differing experiences and skills in the Force and they can learn from each other - he has a natural, rawer connection to the Force but tends to over-rely on it, and Mara has a variety of technical skills but struggles with focus and meditation. The complement each other, if they allow themselves to.

Thank you! I thought a lot about the natural progression of events, and even seeded some of the issues like Luke's frustration about Mara not making time for him in earlier parts of the series, so the eventual argument (hopefully) didn't seem out of the blue.

[quoteLiked the conversation with Leia and Mara, and how we see their friendship and the way that the whole issue of Leia's pregnancy (and Mara's not being pregnant) makes things a bit awkward. I'm really intrigued by how the outcome of this story, and I'm not sure what it will be, will affect them as friends.

Also, I'm glad to know that this is AU re: Leia's youngling.[/quote]

I didn't want to put poor Leia through too much heartache this year - I already gave her a stillborn child in one fic and killed her brother in another, so it was time I wrote something happy for her! I am a big fan of Leia and Mara's sisterly relationship, but yes these circumstances will alter things between them, but how remains to be seen...

They know each other so well, but that also means they know exactly how to hurt each other. Luke is my favourite character, and sometimes I have the blinders on when it comes to him because most of the time I think he's perfect, but obviously he does have his flaws, which is a tendency to blame himself and shut down rather than communicate, and reacting in anger when he is pushed too far.

There was someone on Tumblr that called Tatooine "Space Australia" which fits, I guess , but yes the landscape was inspired by places I've visited with a somewhat altered climate. The mythology will (of course) come into play as well.

I do think that both of them raised valid points - although the way they did it was probably not the best Which is why their make up discussion was more them acknowledging what the other was complaining about, and finding a compromise.

It's a trope for a reason, and I really enjoyed writing it!

Yes, exactly - they need to talk more but they've taken the first steps back to each other.

Thank you! I think the bond is a gift and a curse - it allows them to connection on such a deep level, and let they each lose a bit of their own selves to it which is a big thing so two people who are so independent.

Thank you! I am actually posting a higher rated version on A03 (PM me if you want the link).

Thanks! That's old fashioned Farmboy honesty Mara could learn from it.

Thanks!

 

4.2

Night fell on Kaurna and the rain was still falling heavily, delaying their journey for another day. Mara wasn’t disappointed, despite her previous desire to get to the village as soon as possible. She had settled herself against the wall of the cave, drawing the blanket closer around her. Luke was back in the cavernous darkness, exploring with a glowrod in hand. He’d found a series of cave paintings depicting the serpent of Kaurna legend, and had suggested that their cave was perhaps a holy site.

Trusting that there was nothing to be found except perhaps a stray bat, Mara had stayed behind, but she found her thoughts wandering and so distracted herself by reading through The Jedi Path - the manual Luke had brought with him for study. He’d accused her of not taking her status as a Jedi seriously, and Mara could not deny he had a point. He’d tried to compromise - offering to take time away from the Academy to spend with her, and it seemed only fair that in return she stop avoiding the Jedi issue.

Still, she stared at the scrawled red name of Darth Sidious inside the cover for a full five minutes before she had the courage to turn the first page. She made a point not to read the notes Palpatine had scrawled in the margins, instead confining herself to Luke's own commentary and occasionally, that of the other Jedi who had owned the book.

Although many of the passages made Mara roll her eyes, the hubris and self-importance of the old Jedi clear, her attention lingered on the chapter regarding the Trials undertaken to become a Jedi Knight. The Trials of Skill, Insight and Courage she was sure she’d mastered in her life, and the Trail of the Flesh, which was directed to giving up a close bond Mara knew she’d done twice over. But she read over the passage regarding the Trial of Spirit several times, absorbing the words about battling one’s own mind and putting aside desires and temptations in service of a greater good.

I do not know the fears coiled in your heart, she read, once you accept that grief, shame revenge and all other emotions that centre on the self have no hold on you, you will emerge victorious.

She’d once thought she’d conquered her vengeful thoughts when she decided not to kill Luke and fulfil the Emperor’s last command - but could it be characterised as such? She’d hadn’t forgiven Luke for his alleged crimes and decided not to avenge the Emperor, she had been proved wrong, and Luke had shown he had done nothing which deserved an assassin’s justice. Mara knew in her heart that she had faced such a challenge- and so perhaps she was not a true Jedi yet. For all that Luke had proclaimed her one, perhaps she still had doubts, and that was the reason she was reluctant to embrace knighthood.

The soft patter of bare feet against the stone floor interrupted her thoughts, and Mara looked up to see Luke returning.

“No serpent ghosts, I hope?” she teased him.

Luke laughed good-naturedly, walking over to the fire and warming his hands. “No, but I did find some glowworms.”

“How interesting,” Mara said dryly.

"There was something else - the rock back there is made of cortosis," he told her, a smug smile on his face. "It looks like the caves are full of it."

"So your theory is right?" Mara asked, but Luke only gave her a shrug.

"Perhaps.” He turned back to the fire and suddenly seemed very interested in the backs of his hands. "That should make Karrde happy at least - the stuff is worth a fortune. If you can convince the Kaurnans to let you mine here, of course."

Mara frowned - it would be a coup for the organisation, but the thought troubled her. "But surely you don't want material resistant to lightsabers and potential ability to block the Force disseminated to the highest bidder."

"No," he agreed. "But I would never ask you to forgo such a lucrative business opportunity."

Mara did not respond, letting the point drop to be pondered over later. Instead, she was distracted by the sight of Luke removing his tunic. “What are you doing?”

“Taking a bath,” he answered as he unbuttoned his trousers and kicked them off. “I still smell like river slime.” Retrieving a bar of soap from the survival kit, he walked to the dark pool of water running through the cave. Strangely enough despite the roar of the waterfall and the storm outside the water was still, until Luke gingerly lowered himself into it and rippled the surface.

Mara winced. “Isn’t that cold?”

“No,” he grinned, splashing around a bit. “It’s quite nice actually - I think there’s hot springs underneath this cave.”

Mara watched him for a little while, feeling her heart bloom for her husband who took such joy in the simplicities of life. He’d made several notes in the margins of The Jedi Path, and as she had read through the book Mara found herself tracing the words gently. They were written in a simplistic, almost crude hand, utilising block capitals and sharing his thoughts freely. Some observations made her smile - like Luke wondering whether he would have been part of the Jedi Starfighter Corp if he’d been a member of the Old Order. Others made her proud, as he’d underlined the words about shunning emotional commitment with the notation that membership would be voluntary, with no child taken from their homes or encouraged to break ties with their family.

But her attention kept coming back to one scrawl in particular. I don’t believe in banishing attachment, he’d written. I can’t imagine my life without Mara, Leia or even Han.

He’d put her first. Despite the close, unbreakable bonds he had with his sister and his best friend of almost twenty years, Mara had been the one he’d thought of first when writing who he couldn’t live without. Could she say the same? She’d clung to the idea that her life with Luke as a Jedi would be taking her away from everything she’d achieved, but what had been so great about her life before? She’d been content, certainly, but had she been happy? Mara looked over at Luke in the water, the man who’d had such a profound impact on her life, that had shown her kindness, then friendship, then love. The times they’d actually been together this past year had been some of the happiest of her life, and to think she was pulling away from him, that she wasn’t sure if she wanted to fully embrace that life seemed ridiculous..

What was she waiting for? Another Force-bond, another sign that gave her no other choice?

No. That had been her error - she hadn’t told him she wanted to start a family with him, she’d suggested they stop taking precautions and see what happened. Mara had deferred making a decision by taking it out of her own hands - leaving it to the will of the Force or some silly fertility ritual. Therefore, if she did have a child she would force herself to adjust without ever needing to address whether it was what she wanted. Because she feared that if you wanted something too much, you only set yourself up for disappointment and heartbreak.

It had been her pattern for some time - she hadn’t sought out Luke despite the last command from the Emperor - he’d dropped right in her lap. She hadn’t stuck around at the Jedi Academy despite the gaps in her knowledge, she had waited for Knighthood to come to her. Even with her marriage, she hadn’t let Luke know of her changing feelings for him even though she’d had every opportunity to do so. She’d done nothing, and it had taken the Force bond to bring them together.

Her life had been made up of fail safes and the abdication of responsibility. It was how she’d been raised, and how she’d survived. It had kept her safe, but Mara realised that it wasn’t enough to be comfortable any more - it wasn’t enough to guard her heart and always expect the hard choices to be taken away from her.

She needed to decide what she wanted - and pursue it without regret.

_______________


Luke was halfway through bathing himself when the water around him rippled, and he turned to see Mara beside him. She remained the only person who could sneak up on him, and most of the time Luke enjoyed the surprise. He opened his mouth to speak, but Mara moved in front of him, pressing her fingers against his lips and requesting his silence.

Without a word, she took the soap from him and rubbed it between her hands to create a thick lather. Then she set about the task of washing him, running her soapy hands over his shoulders and chest, working it into his hair and massaging his scalp. Her touch was chaste, but all the same her fingers trailed a blaze over his skin, invigorating and relaxing him at the same time.
Once she was done she put her arms around him and urged him to dip under the water with her, rinsing off the soap. While immersed he held his breath and allowed her to run her hands through his hair to siphon off the suds; the sensation so different from his frantic swim in the river outside. Then he had been all panic, pulled down by the weight of the water which had stolen the air from his lungs. But this time Mara pressed her lips to his, and for a moment they shared the same breath as her arms encased him tightly.

When they breached the surface Luke felt revived, not willing to let her go. Her hair was dripping wet, falling around her like a shroud, but her face was alive and full. After a few moments of silence, Mara took his face in her hands and stared deeply into his eyes.

“I do love you, Luke” she told him softly, the firelight dancing on her face. “I didn’t agree to marry you because of our bond in the Force, but because I want you - every part of you. If we were stuck on this Force-forsaken planet for the rest of our lives, I’d still want you. Because…” She took a deep breath, visibly steeling herself. “Because I can’t imagine my life without you.”

Luke grinned and pulled her to him, his heart leaping for joy to hear those words - finally - from her. She kissed him full on the mouth, her warm lips sliding against his own and he knew this time it was a not a kiss fuelled by desire. It was her reaching out to him, showing him with her body what she had just told him with her speech. Luke crushed her to him, returning her kiss with equal fervor as they gave themselves to one another. It was strange, without that secondary connection through the Force, but Luke found himself more aware of their physical union than before, the feel of her body, the dance of her touch and the taste of her lips.

He encouraged her to swim with him back into the cave to the place he’d discovered earlier, where thousands of glowworms lived in the rock above. They were luminescent, glowing a bright blue and almost giving the appearance of stars in a dark endless sky. It was as if the entire universe was with them in the cave, and they were the only ones in it - that each other was all that mattered.

“It’s beautiful,” Mara breathed as she looked up, a wondrous smile on her face lit up by the blue glow above.

Luke took her in his arms again, kissing her deeply as they swam through the deep waters of the cave, keeping one another afloat in a pool of a thousand glowing lights reflected from above. They found each other again in those glowing waters, knowing that there would still be dark days, and they was much they still needed to reconcile.

But suspended in the beauty that surrounded them, Luke and Mara both knew that whatever else they had each other, and neither was willing to let go.




References

Spoiler

Rainbow Serpent

Katherine Gorge, Northern Territory, Australia



Waitomo Caves, New Zealand



I've been to both of these places, and they are just beautiful.

 

Blisses! Blisses!

Marvelous insights from Mara into her choices and using a pattern of holding back and waiting and seeing to make her hard choices for her. It is one of the best portrayals of her inner motives I've read.

I love the bit in the water--all of it! Gorgeous description of where the radiant glowworms shimmered above.

Her vulnerability and her words - they meant more than anything to Luke! A true treasure!

 

Very lovely update! I love that note in The Jedi Path. And awesome places of inspiration.

 

OMG! It's so beautiful, that I had to read it for the second time while listening to the James Horner-The bioluminescence of the night as a soundtrack. This was one of the most beautiful LM scenes I've ever read. Thank you so much! You made my day!

 

Demendora - yes, that is - I just listened to it and oh boy, now I've really gone and melted!

 

This melody just came to my head while reading. It's just so perfect for this chapter.